ISSUE 1 VOL 4 MARCH 2015
LIFE STEPS TO TRANSFORM TO A NEW YOU!8 ARE YOU A WORRIER14
TWO KIDS COOKING 19 DATING FOR GUYS AFTER DIVORCE 13
WWW.DIVORCE411MAGAZINE.COM
“DAD’S NIGHT OUT” D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Annual Fundraising Event to benefit the Fatherhood Support Network
Saturday, April 4, 2015 6pm – 9pm
Aliante Casino + Hotel + Spa
7300 Aliante Parkway, North Las Vegas, NV 89084
Cocktail 6:00pm
Dinner 7:00pm
Tickets $100
(Includes buffet dinner, cash bar, silent auction and “Dad of the Year” Essay Contest Winners) SEMI-FORMAL ATTIRE
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
DJ THUMP
POWER 88 Las Vegas (KCEP FM 88.1) GUEST SPEAKER
BILL MADLOCK
4-time Major League Baseball National League Batting Champion, World Series Champion and Proud Dad
PURCHASE TICKETS at: www.fatherhoodsupportnetwork.org/dads-night-out/ **The Fatherhood Support Network is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization
For more information call (702) 216-2960
2 | Divorce 411 March 2015
Support Network “Helping fathers maintain an active role in the lives of their children.”
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Divorce 411 is a very popular magazine that empowers individuals who are undergoing a divorce or the ending of a relationship to lean towards a positive shift in their lives. Plus we are now developing an online divorce community for sharing valuable information and experiences. Divorce 411 puts a modern twist on the process. It’s about having a paradigm shift. The modern divorce is about transformation. It’s an opportunity to reflect on the past and move forward to the unveiling of a new chapter in life. It’s time to rediscover you: • Revive • Restore • Renew The resources and information needed to navigate the process are presented with a positive The community seeks to help individuals relieve their distress, anxiety, pain, grief and anger through thought sharing processes and finding out how other people coped with similar situations. Check out the divorce portals grouped by area codes at www.divorce411magazine.com. BECOME A MEMBER TODAY!
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 3
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Special Recognition WRITERS Allana Pratt Aubrey Parker, Esq G. Eric Miles Jeremy D. Morley, Esq Leticia Murphy, M.A.
G. Eric Miles
MarQue
Margaret Pickard, Esq MarQue Shei Small Zorana Edun-Caldwell STAFF
Margaret Pickard
Leticia Murphy,
Shei Small
Allana Pratt
M.A., LMFT, LADC
Publisher, Cynthia Spirlin, J.D. Associate Publisher, Patty Gines Editor, Kiera Kennedy Graphic Designer, T. Javier Photographer, Zeny Hilton
Disclaimer: No part of this website or digital magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher. The content in this magazine is for information purposes only. DIVORCE 411 Magazine, assumes no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate, delayed or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance thereon. The information contained about each individual, event or organization has been provided by such individual, event organizers or organization without verification by us. The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. Therefore, DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. carries no responsibility for the opinion expressed thereon. Comments are welcome, but they should be on-topic and well-expressed. Abusive, antisocial or off-topic comments will be deleted by web administrators.
Copyright Š2015 DIVORCE 411 Magazine. All rights reserved. 4 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Contents Parental Alienation Awareness Calendar of Events
6
Get Your Groove Back With A Divorce Support
7
Life Steps To Transform To A New You!
8
My Body, My Temple
10
Dating For Guys After Divorce
13
Are you a Worrier?
14
Parenting Pearls
16
The Golden Year
18
Financial planning tips
20
Two Kids Cooking
22
LGBT Prenuptial Agreements
23
The Plight Of The Expatriate Spouse
25
Beauty Talk by Z
31
St. Patrick’s Day Treat’s Video
32
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 5
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Parental Alienation Awareness CALENDAR OF EVENTS USA Bubbles of Love Day & Parental Alienation Awareness Day Friday, April 25, 2014 11:30 Main Street Square, 512 Main St Rapid City, South Dakota, USA contact: Amanda Lindbloom, Salm3747@hotmail.com Bubbles of Love Day & Parental Alienation Awareness Day Friday, April 25, 2014 12:00 pm The Huntley Apartments Club House 100 Huntley Ap Pelham, Alabama, USA Bubbles of Love Friday, April 25, 2014 4:00 PM, YMCA Pelham, AL, USA Stand Up For Gus - Press Conference & Check Presentation to Levitt Quinn Friday, April 25, 2014 10am City Hall, Los Angeles Los Angeles, Ca., USA contact: Chris Blanchard, chrisb@ themtmgroup.com Bubbles of Love and Picnic (FOOD PROVIDED!) Friday, April 25, 2014 6:00 Pearl Park 414 East Diamond Lake Road Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA contact: Brian Kelley, kelley01@visi. com Bubbles of Love Day DFW Friday, April 25, 2014 12:00pm - 200 E Weatherford Street Fort Worth Texas, Texas, USA contact: Wendy Archer, wendyarcher@ rocketmail.com Bubbles of LOVE for PARENT ALIENATION AWARNESS Tuesday, April 22, 2014 6:00 SNOW HINTON PARK Tuscaloosa, AL, USA contact: Vicki Wade, vickirenaewade86@yahoo.com Bubbles of Love Friday, April 25, 2014 12:00 711 Wheeling Ave Cambridge, Ohio, USA contact: Michael Port, president@ parentsunitedus.org 6 | Divorce 411 March 2015
The mission for the organization is to educate the public and professionals about prevention of, and responses to, Parental Alienation, parental alienation behaviors and Hostile Aggressive Parenting by offering seminars, conferences and meetings and by collecting and disseminating information on these topics. More information is available at http://www.paawareness.org/. Bubbles of Love Day and Parental Alienation Awareness Day 2014 Friday, April 25, 2014 10 am-2 pm Balboa Park Pepper Grove Playground 2200 Park Blvd San Diego, CA, USA contact: Liza Alvarado, liza.alvarado@ paaousa.org Bubbles of Love in Oklahoma Friday, April 25, 2014 2:00 2300 North Lincoln Blvd., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, contact: Rebekah Bradley, rebekah. ssac2010@gmail.com
Bubbles of LOVE for parent alienation awareness Friday, April 25, 2014 12:00, Bessemer, AL, USA CANADA Missing to Me Friday, April 25, 2014 6:00pm 1520 Stone Church Rd E Hamilton, ON, Canada contact: Oleta Thomas, missing2me@ gmail.com
Lakeland Florida Bubbles of Love event Friday, April 25, 2014 11:30 am Barnett Family Park 121 S Lake Ave, Lakeland, FL 3 Lakeland, FL, USA contact: Danica Joan Fields, info@ kidsneedboth.org
Oshawa, Ontario - Parental Alienation Awareness Day 2014 11:30am Nathan Philips Square - Toronto City Hall Toronto, Ontario, contact: Paulette MacDonald, kidsneed2parents@gmail. com
Colorado Celebrates Parental Alienation Awareness Day Friday, April 25, 2014 12:00 pm Colorado State Capital building -200 East Colfax A Denver, CO, USA contact: Katie Rubano, katierubano@ gmail.com
Raising Awareness to Build Our Future - Speakers Saturday, April 26, 2014 9:30am Army and Navy Hall, 151 Lorne Ave Stratford, Ontario, Canada contact: , stratfordworkshop@gmail. com
Proclamation Ceremony with Bubbles of Love Friday, April 25, 2014 11am Veteran’s Memorial Park, Cornelius Harnett Bl Lillington, NC, USA contact: Denise Galloway, ddfgalloway@ gmail.com
A one day workshop for Men and Women experiencing divorce, separation, parental alienation, single parenting, legal and domestic issues. With keynote speakers: Dr. Sol Goldstein MD, FRCP (C), DLFAPA, FRSH Brian Ludmer, B.Comm, LLB Lunch provided. Donations welcome. 9:30am to 3:30pm.
7th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day Candlelight Vigil Friday, April 25, 2014 6:00-8:00 South Steps State Capitol 1900 Kanawha Blvd East Charleston, WV, USA contact: Kelly Rice Parent Alienation Awareness Day: Bubbles of Love Friday, April 25, 2014 9am USA Flea Market 11721 US 19/Port Richey, Florida, USA contact: Penelope Sheldon, nightingale. rn@aol.com
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Get Your Groove Back With A Divorce Support Support groups are great ways to connect men and women who are going through the struggles of coping with separation and divorce. I lead three group on Meetup. com in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Las Vegas. But this is not group therapy, It is a social mechanism to find others that are going through the same thing you are. We are a welcoming, inclusive, warm and a fun group of people; an instant cadre of friends who know what it’s like to have your life turned upside down! Go to meetup.com and find a group in your area. Below are a few, I found on meetup.com: AUSTIN, TX
www.meetup.com/LetGoLetGod/
BOYNTON BEACH, FL
www.meetup.com/Divorce-Support-of-Palm-Beach-County-Meetup/
CHICAGO, IL
www.meetup.com/Chicago-Divorce-Support/
LAS VEGAS, NV
www.meetup.com/Divorce-702-Support-Group-Transition/
LOS ANGELES, CA
www.meetup.com/divorce-411-support
MONTCLAIR, NJ
www.meetup.com/womensdivorcesupportnj/
NEW YORY CITY
www.meetup.com/divorcesupport-56/
PHILADELPHIA, PA
www.meetup.com/DC-Divorce-Support/
RALEIGH, NC
www.meetup.com/Triangle-DSSG/
SAN FRANCISCO, CA
www.meetup.com/Good-karma-Divorce-Meetup/
SANTA CRUZ, CA
www.meetup.com/Santa-Cruz-Divorce-Support-For-Women/
WASHINGTON, DC
www.meetup.com/DC-Divorce-Support/
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 7
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Life Steps To Transform To A New You! By MarQue
F
or whatever reason, you have found yourself at a crossroad called... Divorce.
So let us accept this crossroad, for all intense purposes, as change. Opening your heart and accepting that this is indeed a crossroad is very important to the healing that needs to take place. It is at this crossroad that we want to embrace wholeheartedly by opening our minds to new visions, new thoughts and new ideas for a NEW YOU.
but it preservers and makes the change. This is very much like the transformation you are beginning. It is a complete change in every aspect. Everything about the butterfly is different. How it moves, looks, feels, acts, eats, sleeps... - I think you are getting the idea. Transforming takes self-awareness, a knowing of who you are, what you want. Transformation does not take place in denial.
So you must be willing to look at yourself and identify the changes that you desire to To transform means to change, going from take place. Note: when rehabilitating an one identity to another - just as a caterpillar injury, we must identify what is injured and transforms into a butterfly we want to begin a process to restore it to health. transform into a healthy, whole, complete I am sure the caterpillar had no idea what person ready to achieve all their dreams, and goals. Notice the transformation of the transforming into a butterfly would be like, but it preservers and makes the change. caterpillar to the butterfly. The butterfly This is very much like the transformation has no traces that it was ever a caterpillar. you are beginning. It is a complete change I am sure the caterpillar had no idea what transforming into a butterfly would be like, in every aspect. 8 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
Everything about the butterfly is different. How it moves, looks, feels, acts, eats, sleeps... - I think you are getting the idea. Transforming takes self-awareness, a knowing of who you are, what you want. Transformation does not take place in denial. So you must be willing to look at yourself and identify the changes that you desire to take place. Note: when rehabilitating an injury, we must identify what is injured and begin a process to restore it to health. When we accept that some relationships may not last forever, then we can choose to move forward and proceed with our lives. We can take the path that will transform us. Just like the beautiful butterfly, and we will be BETTER. In my book, The Many M’s of Me, I identify four characters that I created and lived with throughout my life. Of course, when I was doing this, it was completely unknown to me as I was living in survival mode. My situation in the book is a little different as it stems from abuse that attributed to a lack of “self-awareness” that caused
4 1 1
the loss of relationships and ultimately two of my own divorces. The Many M’s of Me has a self-help section called “Workbook Revelation” that aids you in beginning the process of identifying and getting to know yourself. I encourage and invite you to the link:Workbook Revelations (For Divorce 411 Magazine ONLY). It will help you get started on the road to a New YOU! I have learned, over the years, that when we do not take the time to nourish ourselves, we become neglected. This begins a process of internal breakdown. Stop, take inventory and work on yourself to regain wholeness, healthiness, and fulfillment from within so that what is radiating on the outside attracts the same positive energy. It’s extremely important at this point to be kind to oneself and be responsible. I’d like to introduce you to NEW Year New YOU! and give you instant access to a video that has some very powerful thoughts and ideas that I’m sure will inspire you. NEW Year - New YOU! will teach you a new way of thinking, give you a fresh vital outlook, along with some very effective tools and techniques. I don’t believe in coincidence. Every part of our lives has a divine purpose. This crossroad is a gentle shake to awaken you and help you focus on the unique reason and purpose you were created. So be encouraged and inspired to take the first step. Self-awareness begins your transformation leading you to the NEW YOU! Divorce 411 March 2015 | 9
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
My Body, My Temple Shei Small
T
he effects of divorce are not only mentally devastating and stressful to a person, but they can also affect a person’s physical health and wellness. Ignoring your physical health by not exercising and eating right, is an invitation for illness into your body and with just a few minutes out of your day; dedicated to fitness, can help prevent some long term illness caused by the trauma experienced during a divorce.
reduce stress and depression, increase your stamina, boosts your energy, and help improve your mood, not to mention, it will make you look and feel great.
The stress associated with a divorce can lead to cardiovascular disease, depression, weight gain/loss, insomnia, diabetes and anxiety, just to name a few. It is understandable that this is a time where insecurities and self-doubt is at an alltime high, that you feel overwhelmed with stress, and you lack the energy and motivation to do anything. I am here to tell you that exercise is the answer you are looking for.
The simple answer is to make the time. Here are a few things I have tried to help incorporate a workout into a busy schedule.
Exercise offers benefits beyond what the eyes can see, and after a while, the benefits that your eyes will see, won’t be bad either! Exercise can help hike up your self-esteem, help to clear your mind, help
10 | Divorce 411 March 2015
For most of us, the challenge is finding the time to squeeze a workout into our busy schedules. From working all day, to running around with the kids after school supporting their after school activities, how can you find the time, yet alone the energy to do a workout?
After work, while you are running around with the kids taking them to piano lessons, basketball practice, or tutoring, after you’ve drop them off, if time allows, find a nearby park where you can take a brisk walk or a jog, if you have a dog, while taking it for a walk try running for a minute and walking for 15 seconds and repeating, or if you can, and have access to a local high school or college, go for a walk around the field, you can try walking the curves and running the straights.
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
If you are at work, park as far away as possible, try using the stairs, during your breaks, if possible, take a nice, brisk 10 minute walk around the building. If you can, keep 2 lbs-5 lbs. dumbbells at your workstation or desk and do a few sets of dumbbell curls during breaks, in between calls or on your lunch break, you can try doing something like 3 sets of 15 dumbbell curls each arm. You can do some squats every time you use the restroom, do 25 squats each time, and for added burn, strength and endurance, hold the last squat in place for 30 seconds. At home, I find it best to work out early in the morning, you have less distraction and your mind tends to be less cluttered with the day’s troubles. If you prefer not to have to wake up too early, you can try doing some quick workouts to get your heart rate up and give you a jump start to your day. A quick morning workout I would recommend is 30 jumping jacks, 25 squats, 20 sit-up, 15 mountain climbers, 10 lunges each leg (you can add 2-5 lbs. dumbbells and doing a curl each time you go into your lunge) and 30-second plank.
You can try doing crunches, lunges, jumping jacks, pushups, wall-sits, arm curls, etc.; the possibilities are endless with this workout, you can get creative with it and work on different part of the body each day, for example, you can work on arms and shoulders on Monday/ Thursday and legs, glutes and abs on Tuesday/Friday.
You can also try a “quick burnout” work out where you do 5 moves as many times as you can for 45 seconds each with 15 second of rest in between each exercise. Divorce 411 March 2015 | 11
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
It is important that you complement your workouts with the right foods. After all, you wouldn’t want to waste all that hard work and sacrifice for an unhealthy meal. Eating the right foods will help reduce and maintain you weight, it gives you the energy your body needs, improves brain function, boosts your moods and helps prevent diabetes, heart disease and other diseases. Changing your eating habits doesn’t have to be a difficult task, you can start slow and work towards a goal. You can start by changing simple things like not drinking sodas, not eating fried foods or foods high in fat and/or cholesterol, eliminating fast foods and processed foods from your diet, and you can start drinking more water, eating whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, fish and lean meats, you can even have a glass of wine a day! The bottom line is that our health and wellness is not just connected to our mental state, but also to our physical state from the inside out, and exercising along with a good healthy meal, will give us the energy and longevity we need to start our lives over and live a long, happy, healthy life, and look good while we are doing it. Love yourself and the rest of the world will follow.
12 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Dating For Guys After Divorce by Allana Pratt, Intimacy Expert
Hover here and click
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 13
Are you a Worrier? DD I I VV OO RR CC EE
44 11 11
The 5 Action Steps to Recovery
Leticia Murphy, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Henderson, NV www.LeticiaMurphyTherapy.com
E
veryone worries, but some people tend to have received a “double dose of worry.� This type of worry could keep us up at night or even wake us up in the middle of our rest. We worry about our bills, finances, jobs, health, family, and relationships. Some of us even worry about what we said during a conversation, hours after we had it. Excessive worrying can have negative effects on your health, relationships, and prevent you from making decisions. Here are 5 action steps that can help you decrease some of your worries.
14 | Divorce 411 March 2015
1. Write: Grab a piece of paper and write
down every thought, fear, and things you need to get done. Identify what you can do about each thing and set a date to do something about it. This will allow you to free your mind and pick up your list the next day and revisit the issue.
D I V O R C E
2. Stop: Use thought stopping.
Verbally use the word “STOP� and replace the thought with a picture of a calm, secure place. Use your visualization skills to describe the place in as many details as possible. This is a great tool for mediation.
3. Action: Get up and do
something. I encourage people to do the 1 thing that they dread the most. For some people it may be exercising or cooking a meal. If you are going to be up worrying anyway make it productive.
4 1 1
4. Affirm: Develop positive
affirmations such as I will get through this rough time in my life. I have survived rough times before. You can use the same encouraging words you would give a friend, except you are saying them to yourself. Say them out loud or record yourself and play it back.
5. Read: Read a boring book.
Something that is non-engaging. If you become too interested in your book you may not want to go back to sleep.
Worrying does not change your circumstances. It can however be detrimental to your health, mind, and spirit. All you can do is be proactive, have faith, and hold on. Divorce 411 March 2015 | 15
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Parenting Pearls: Keys for Effective Parenting in Separation and Divorce By Margaret E. Pickard, Esq.
T
he top three parenting skills that predict children’s overall happiness, health and success are:
1. Love and affection 2. Stress Management 3. Positive Relationship Modeling These basic skills are essential for a child’s long-term psychological wellbeing. Without these life lessons, children are very likely to develop high conflict personalities later in life. (Epstein, Scientific American Mind, 2010). Children who are caught in their parent’s conflict don’t generally learn this valuable trio of lessons in their family relationships, leaving them at a distinct disadvantage compared to their peers living in less conflictual home environments. Sure, we all love our children, but it’s hard for parents in conflict to give affection and be patient with their children when they’re upset. Similarly, when a parent is stressed out because they’re battling with a co-parent, it’s hard to teach children to manage their own stress.
16 | Divorce 411 March 2015
In fact, research indicates that children learn how to interact with others by watching how their parents interact. If children are caught in the middle of their parents’ war, not only do they learn to treat others with contempt and bitterness, but they expect to be treated the same way in their own relationships. In a 25-year longitudinal study by Judith Wallerstein, entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, researchers found that children who experience persistent conflict
D I V O R C E
following their parents’ separation generally experience long-term difficulties in their own interpersonal and intimate relationships in adulthood. In fact, Wallerstein found that children tend to blame themselves for the parental conflict, which negatively impacts their self-esteem. The message for separating and divorcing parents today is clear:
“Stop fighting and start parenting.”
Children who do not learn stress management and positive relationship skills from their parents are very likely to develop high conflict personalities such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. When coupled with the fact that in all high conflict custody cases, one or both parents have a personality disorder or a substance abuse problem, the likelihood of children in conflictual custody disputes developing either of these traits, is astronomical. That is, unless at least one parent decides to end the conflict in their home and provide a stable environment for the child. The key to helping your child heal from your separation and divorce is for you to heal. Children watch their parents for emotional cues and if they feel that one parent is particularly needy, they are very likely to become that parent’s
4 1 1
caretaker, much like the child of an alcoholic protects and safeguards their alcoholic parent. This type of unhealthy family dynamic sets our children up for difficult relationships of their own in the future. If you want your children to have positive relationships in the future, you have to model it for them. If you and your co-parent don’t have a good relationship, it’s vital that you stop the conflict on your end and provide a positive environment for your child in your home. This starts by making positive comments about your co-parent, no matter how small, to show some level of connection between your child’s two worlds. For example, the simple comment, “I like mustard on my hot dog, just like your Dad,” can go a long way to removing your child from the battle between homes. No one is advocating that you tell your child that Mom is Mother of the Year, but positive comments will help reinforce that your child doesn’t have to choose sides between parents. Children never win in a battle between their parents. Margaret Pickard, Esq. is a family law attorney, author/educator, parenting coordinator, and mediator, specializing in family mediation and high conflict custody cases.
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 17
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
THE GOLDEN YEAR By G. Eric Miles
M
arch has always been seen as a time of rebirth. With the coming of the vernal equinox and the end of winter; the world emerges from its chilly hibernation to the promise of new life. Nature, of which we are a part, reboots and creates the environment conducive for growth and fruition. In addition I have my own personal circumstance that creates even more of that rebirth feeling because I celebrate the anniversary of my birth in March. And one year ago on my birthday I began a rather significant time for me. Last March I began my golden year. For those of you who are unaware, a golden year is when you turn the age of the year in which you were born. I was born in (19)57 and I turned 57.
18 | Divorce 411 March 2015
The golden year is said to hold potential and promise of accomplishing great things. As an advocate for healthy aging and happy, holistic lifestyles I was greatly anticipating what would unfold during the past twelve months. I am pleased to be able to report that the past year was truly golden for me. Not only was it good to me it was also good for me and those in my life. However now that my G year is ending, what’s next? First to recap, professionally I started a company (with the help of my wife) dedicated to healthy aging and sustainable, holistic lifestyles. Things are going well with the business and the movement gains momentum every day.
D I V O R C E
Also through that business we have launched a weekly radio show on CBS News-radio. The show also is gaining numbers. Yahoo! On the personal side I am working with and closer to my wife than we have ever been (I never though working together would bring us closer but it has). Also I feel stronger, more focused, vibrant, confident and motivated to fulfill my purpose. In short, my Golden Year lived up to the hype. But now what? What happens after the year GY ends on my birthday? What can I realistically expect of the next twelve months and beyond? When I look at the real truth of the matter one thing jumps to my attention. The main reason many (if not all) of these accomplishments occurred is attributed to my faith that great things were going to happen! It was my unshakeable belief that I was destined to have great achievements and major breakthroughs that kept my eyes open for opportunities, my mind sharp and creative and my spirit positive and driven. In short, it was my expectation and intention that laid the groundwork for success. Of course, not every effort was successful but every endeavor was enlightening. The most important lesson of the entire experience being ‘I am able to do everything I believe I can do’! When that faith was solid everything I required begin to appear. I can not over emphasize the power of your thoughts and the things you say to yourself. That is my take away from the experience
4 1 1
and my offering to you. Any year can be golden if you want and know it to be so. Therefore whatever you want to accomplish this year, whether its a new job or a fulfilling relationship or just a healthy peace of mind; it is as close as your decision to believe you can have it.
The opportunity and potential is always there. The Universe is willing to conspire with you. So get out there and discover the gold mine hidden in your mind and start living golden years all your own!
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 19
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Financial planning tips M
arried, Single or Divorce you must be savvy about your finances. Don’t take chances. Get the facts. Keep organized records. Then you can make informed decisions. Use the tips below to get started:
1. Gather financial documents. Are you sifting through 2014 receipts in preparation for filing taxes by April 15, 2015? Consider gathering all your important financial documents. For a list of important financial and legal documents, review our checklist. Make copies and set meetings with your financial planner, insurance agent, etc. Store the copies with a trusted friend or family member, or use a safe deposit box that your spouse can’t access.
2. Assess your credit. Request a copy of your credit report, and correct any misinformation it contains. Good credit is the foundation of your financial future, so watch it carefully! Without credit it can be near impossible to obtain q mortgage loan, rent, or even to manage the expenses of running your household. Keep an especially close eye on credit card statements. If your spouse is using your joint credit cards to make suspicious purchases, you’ll want to be able to document that.
20 | Divorce 411 March 2015
DD I I VV OO RR CC EE
3. Open accounts in your own name. You will need your own bank accounts and credit cards. It is not too soon to set these up. Use a different bank than where you currently have joint accounts, and open both savings and checking accounts in your name alone.
4. Begin to assemble a professional divorce team. Gone are the days when, if you or your husband wanted a divorce, the only thing to do was for each of you to retain lawyers who would then work through all the legal matters. Today, financial portfolios –and the regulations that govern them –are much more complex, and many women find they need multiple layers of professional help to navigate all the legal and financial details.
21 | Divorce 411 March 2015
44 11 11
If you’ll be divorcing in 2015, it’s a good idea to begin researching divorce professionals who can steer the process. I recommend you start with a matrimonial/family law attorney, a divorce financial planner, a therapist and a divorce support group. Gather and compare information and schedule time in your calendar to research and complete your due diligence.
5. Monitor your your finances monthly.
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 21
DD I I VV OO RR CC EE
44 11 11
Two Kids Cooking
I
f you’re looking for some ways to spend quality time with your kids, tuning into Two Kids Cooking will provide ideas to get the whole family having fun together in the kitchen. Two Kids Cooking is filmed from the family’s home kitchen in White Bear Lake, MN. The show has been airing online at TwoKidsCooking.com since 2009, sharing recipes, ideas and a little bit of craziness with their growing audience. Kelly Biedny, the Mom who cooks alongside the ‘two kids’ on the show—son, Alex (age 12) and daughter, Sophia (age 8) inspire other families to get excited about cooking together. For St. Patrick’s Day Holiday celebration this year, create a family cooking ritual. For ideas, check out Alex and Sophie’s video where they decided to try out an Irish recipe and made Boxty....an Irish Potato Cake.
22 | Divorce 411 March 2015
Hover here and click
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 22
DD I I VV OO RR CC EE
44 11 11
LGBT Prenuptial Agreements: What State You Live in Makes a Difference By Aubrey Parker, Associate Attorney at Law
BEERMANN | PRITIKIN | MIRABELLI | SWERDLOVE LLP www.beermannlaw.com
W
hen heterosexual couples consider marriage and potentially entering into a
prenuptial agreement before tying the knot, they don’t have to worry about where they intend to live after they’re married—their prenuptial agreement will be recognized anywhere they reside in the United States. Unfortunately, this is still not the case for LGBT couples. Why not? The key to whether a prenuptial agreement will be recognized lies in whether the underlying marriage or union will be recognized, and laws concerning prenuptial agreements are highly state-specific.
Many states are now recognizing samesex unions and marriages; however, many are not. This means that even if an LGBT couple enters into a prenuptial agreement and later decides that they want to enforce their agreement because they are dissolving their relationship, they may be out of luck. They may have unknowingly entered into a prenuptial agreement that was not recognizable from the start. For example, under Illinois law, prenuptial agreements for same-sex couples are recognized. Ever since June 1, 2011, Illinois has recognized same sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions. Divorce 411 March 2015 | 23
D I V O R C E
This means that even if a couple is married in a different state, such as Hawaii or Iowa, Illinois will undoubtedly recognize their marriage and their prenuptial agreement will likewise be recognized. Same-sex couples in Indiana, however, are not so fortunate. Under Indiana law, “Only a female may marry a male. Only a male may marry a female. A marriage between persons of the same gender is void in Indiana even if the marriage is lawful in the place where it is solemnized.” See Indiana Code Annotated, Section 3111-1-1. Accordingly, any prenuptial agreement entered into between same-sex individuals will not be recognized in Indiana and will be void, because their marriage will not be recognized. Other than a prenuptial agreement being recognized or not recognized for LGBT couples, there is also a third possibility: their prenuptial agreement might be recognized only if they first convert their existing marriage or union into a domestic partnership. In California, for example, while same-sex marriages are legal thanks in part to the 2013 United States Supreme Court decision in Hollingsworth v. Perry, which restored the effect of a federal district court ruling that overturned Proposition 8 as unconstitutional, the Family Code, Section 299.2 currently reads: “A legal union of two persons of the same sex, other than a marriage, that was validly formed in another jurisdiction, and that is substantially equivalent 24 | Divorce 411 March 2015
4 1 1
to a domestic partnership as defined in this part, shall be recognized as a valid domestic partnership in this state regardless of whether it bears the name domestic partnership.” As applied to samesex couples, their prenuptial agreement will be recognized in California so long as they first register their marriage or union from a different state as a domestic partnership in California. With a registered Domestic Partnership in California, LGBT couples can have recognized prenuptial agreements and all community property laws will apply, absent contrary conditions being contained in the prenuptial agreement. While The Uniform Premarital Agreement Act, written by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Law in 1983 has been adopted in many states and encourages the enforcement of prenuptial agreements, it is important for LGBT individuals to realize that prenuptial agreements are still subject to statespecific laws and may not be recognized in certain states. As an attorney that understands LGBT issues on both a personal and professional level, I can help LGBT couples sort through differing states laws regarding prenuptial agreements and other family law related issues. I encourage you to contact me today so that I can assist you in the legal matters surrounding LGBT prenuptials greement and leave you with more time to focus on the fun things—planning the ceremony and honeymoon!
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
The Plight Of The Expatriate Spouse Jeremy D. Morley Matrimonial Strategist
I
nternational child relocation applications raise substantially different issues from those raised in domestic relocation cases, whether intrastate or interstate. Unfortunately, the fundamental differences are not often adequately appreciated by lawyers and judges. This is partly because both domestic and international applications are governed by the same legal principles. It is also because, even in today’s globalized world, international relocation applications are relatively unusual.
A second critical difference is that while sister states have similar laws and legal systems, the legal systems in foreign countries vary dramatically in their recognition and effective enforcement of U.S. custody and access orders. This factor will be the subject of a subsequent article.
A key difference between international and domestic cases concerns the nature of the applicant. Parents who apply for international relocation have fundamentally different circumstances, concerns and needs than do parents who want to relocate domestically.
Expatriate parents who seek to relocate internationally with their children typically share similar experiences and challenges, which need to be better understood by lawyers who act as their advocates and by judges who decide the fate of their children. (This article does not cover applications by American
SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES OF THE APPLICANT
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 25
D I V O R C E
parents who wish to move overseas for love or work). In my experience, based on counseling very many expats in family crises, applications by expats for international relocation are usually made by mothers who want to return to their country of origin. They seem to fall into three distinct categories. (In an article such as this, there is no way to avoid making generalized observations. The purpose is not to stereotype people, but to promote better understanding of their circumstances.)
The Trailing Spouse
4 1 1
is sad that she will have to leave her teaching job. Three years later their entire world has changed. H is thrilled with his assignment, loves his job, thrives on being independent of head office and has adapted well to life in New York. His “only” problem is that W is having an entirely different experience. W is lonely, isolated and miserable. She does not work and is upset that her German teaching qualifications are not transferable to the U.S. She misses her family and her friends in Germany. She has experienced far more culture shock than she expected. While her language skills are reasonably good, she is finding that English is far more difficult than she realized. She has no one to complain to -- except H, and when she does, H becomes increasingly impatient.
A “trailing spouse” is one who accompanies her husband on an assignment to a foreign country, usually for a limited number of years. The husband has usually achieved significant success in his career and is pleased to improve his situation by making an international move. It is a situation that is often fraught with danger for the trailing The relationship between H and W has spiraled downward. H comes home later spouse. and later. He ultimately has an affair and A typical scenario might be as follows: a divorce and custody case ensues. H H and W are Germans and have lived in announces that he wants to stay in New Germany for all of their lives. H works York, while W wants to go back home to for a technology company and W is a Germany with C, who is now a happy and teacher. They have a two-year-old child healthy five-year-old. W is shocked that (C). H is offered a promotion conditional H refuses to allow her to take C back on his moving to New York for a fouryear to Germany. She feels that he cheated assignment. W is excited about the her by dragging her to a foreign country prospects of living in the Big Apple but
26 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
and then refusing to allow her to return home with her child. She is furious that he does not appreciate the sacrifices that she has made for his career, that he has broken his vows of fidelity, and that he is shockingly compounding his betrayal by forcing her to live in an alien country without support, family, friends or career. In court, H opposes relocation on the grounds that C has lived most of his life in New York; all of C’s friends are in New York; and C is thriving there, except for the fact that W is moody and silent. H contends that W is being selfish in wanting to take C away from his father to Germany, a place that C does not remember, and away from everything that C knows in his home in New York. H’s argument is compelling and often is the winning one, especially if the focus is on C to the exclusion of W. While the court may acknowledge that a happy mother is a better mother, the court often gives more weight to the fact that the couple and their fiveyear-old child have spent three years in New York.
The Romantic Expat A “romantic expat” is someone who moves from his or her home country for romance. Perhaps H from Chicago meets W in Japan and convinces her to marry him and move to Illinois.
They have a baby, C. Life in Illinois is not what W expected. Americans are “rude, pushy and inconsiderate.” Public transportation in Chicago is inconvenient and unpleasant, and she is scared to drive on the busy roads. She has made no friends except for a couple of Japanese women who were on temporary assignment with their spouses and who have been fortunate enough to have gone back home to Japan. She misses her family and friends and finds it hard and stressful to speak in English. She worries that C is being raised as an American and not as a Japanese. Inevitably the marriage breaks down, and W wants to go back home to Japan with C, who is now aged three. She is shocked when H insists that she cannot do so; after all, she came to this country only because of H and now that he has “let her down,” she cannot understand why he wants to keep her a prisoner here.
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 27
D I V O R C E
In court, H presents all of the arguments that the husband in the previous “trailing spouse” scenario presented, with the additional factors that: 1) C has lived his entire life in the U.S.; 2) relocation will remove C not only from H but also from H’s family, with whom C has become attached; and 3) Japan is not a party to the Hague Abduction Convention, does not enforce foreign custody or access orders, and does not acknowledge a foreign father’s right to play a significant role in the life of his children.
4 1 1
TYPICAL JUDICIAL RESPONSE
In all three scenarios, H’s arguments are compelling and often win, especially if the focus is on C, to the exclusion of W. As mentioned above, while the courts may ac-knowledge that a happy mother is a better mother, that consideration is typically trumped by the fact that C lived or remained in the U.S. The courts will focus on the “best interests” of the child without fully appreciating the drastic impact that the mother’s unhappiness and often justifiable Holdover Expats bitterness will have on the child’s well-being. Not only are the mother’s A “holdover expat” is one who left his concerns insufficiently understood, they or her home country for a temporary are often labeled unfairly by lawyers and period of time, perhaps coming to the judges as selfish, irrational, crazy and U.S. to study or on a work assignment. obsessive. In each scenario the mother After some years here he or she has a love affair in the U.S. and decides to stay is the primary caregiver. She is the one who is typically required to choose here. between abandoning her child and Perhaps W is from Colombia, came abandoning her family, friends, career to study in Florida intending to return and culture in her home country. It is home when she had a degree. After difficult not to feel great sympathy for a couple of years here, she met and her predicament, especially if she is the married H who asked her to stay in one who has been abandoned. Florida. Their child, C, is two years old when they decide to divorce. Again, W wants to go back home with C, but H is opposed to relocation. H uses the same arguments as the husbands used in the two prior scenarios, but with the added factor that W was already living in the U.S. when H met her and has lived in the U.S. for a longer period of time than the other wives.
28 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
RESULTS OF DENIAL OF RELOCATION APPLICATION
4 1 1
A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING
There is no quick and easy solution to these problems. However, a starting Denial of an application for relocation point is to understand better the plight of can have severe and devastating the expatriate spouse. In my experience, consequences. A typical downward spiral clients who wish to return to their is as follows: country of origin in situations such as • The mother feels that she is these often find that their lawyers and, imprisoned in this country. therefore, the courts, do not adequately appreciate the extent of their plight • The mother considers abducting the child. and the merit of their cases. Many such spouses complain with justification that • The father increasingly fears that the they are treated as difficult, uncaring or mother will abduct the child. crazy, even by those who are supposed • Each parent tries to increase his or her to be helping them. It is essential to control over the child. understand what it is that these people • The mother takes steps to take the are going through and to appreciate child to her home country. -- and communicate effectively to the • The father makes an emer-gency court -- that their responses are the application to court to prevent natural and typical consequences of abduction. the situations in which they have been placed. • The court issues an order preventing the mother from leaving the jurisdiction. Such understanding exists in the business • The relationship between the parents world, where it is commonly accepted is completely destroyed, to the that spouse/partner dissatisfaction substantial detriment of the child. and other family concerns are the The consequences may then include: most significant cause of “expatriate parental alienation; criminal child assignment failure” -- defined as “the abduction; Hague Convention litigation; inability of an expatriate to perform enormous expenditures on legal fees; effectively in a foreign country and, parental inability to agree on anything; hence, the need for the employee to and increasing police and judicial be fired or recalled home. See, e.g., intervention, all of which cause awful Relocation Trends Surveys, a wideconsequential damage to innocent scale, yearly report issued since 1993. children. International companies now devote
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 29
D I V O R C E
substantial resources to what I have termed the “plight of the expatriate spouse.” The legal system should encourage similar understanding.
A POSSIBLE SOLUTION In many of the cases with which I have dealt -- representing mothers and fathers, both expats and local natives -- it would have been far better if the parties had agreed -- or if the judges had ordered -- a fair, appropriate and enforceable compromise solution. If the other country has a developed and effective legal system, child custody laws that reflect a similar philosophy to ours, and strong laws to prevent international child abduction, an appropriate solution might include the following terms: • Authorizing W to relocate with C once specific conditions have been fulfilled; • Requiring extremely generous visitation of C with H; • Requiring daily Internet contact, with webcams, between H and C; • Providing for joint decision-making between H and W as to all important matters affecting C; • Requiring W to obtain an order from the court in her home country that mirrors the terms of the order in H’s jurisdiction, that acknowledges that the court in H’s jurisdiction has
30 | Divorce 411 March 2015
4 1 1
continuing exclusive jurisdiction concerning all matters as to C’s custody and visitation, and requiring the appropriate authorities in W’s home country to enforce such orders; and • Imposing a significant penalty on W if she fails to comply with the order, including a severe financial penalty. This might take the form of a substantial bond or a reduction or suspension of financial support. Or a substantial portion of the assets being divided upon divorce might be held in escrow.
Such a solution is far from perfect, but it would often be far better than the present policy in many courts of routinely denying most international relocation applications even in compelling cases. Law Office of Jeremy D. Morley International Family Law 230 Park Avenue 10th Floor New York. NY 10169
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Beauty Talk by Z by Zorana Edun-Caldwell
S
ome of the new looks for spring/ summer 2015 need to stay on the runway !!! Riccardo Tisci’s vision for Givenchy was “to make the girls look angry” -and the amazing Pat Mc Grath delivered. However I don’t know any woman who would knowingly want to give off that negative vibe,”just sayin’!!” I prefer dewy, dazzling, luminescent skin (that’s always in fashion.) Effortless and uncomplicated! For amazing skin try NuFace Mini Facial Toning Device (available at Nordstrom, $199). It helps with renewing the skin by using micro current technology to rev up cell renewal & the production of firming collagen & plumping skin. My favorite products for this summer are: Nars pure radiant tinted moisturizer, Nars multiples, Chanel Mediterranean collection, Bobbi Brown limited edition collection. Eyes shadows for this season include: vibrant purples, mossy/jade greens, & pastel pinks. Call today and let me give you a beauty renewal!!!
I will customize your beauty regime, create your expressive eyes & create your signature lip look. Nordstrom provides quality lines and products that will help you spring forward into this new fabulous season!!! I look forward to hearing from you (702)784-1054.
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 31
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
St. Patrick’s Day Treat’s Video
Hover here and click
32 | Divorce 411 March 2015
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
SPIRLIN DIVORCE ASSOCIATES Cynthia Spirlin, J.D. 702-409-5703 Savvy Divorce Consultants specializing in Divorce 101 Planning & Paralegal Services, Mediation & Publishing www.spirlindivorceassociates.com Project1_Layout 1 11/6/13 9:30 AM Page 1
As a facilitator, publisher and divorce consultant, my approach to the modern divorce includes goal planning before, during and after divorce, a predivorce review of the legal and financial landscape, and emotional support. Working with a professional who understands the complexity of divorce will allow you to be emotionally supported during the process, while planning for the years following your divorce, and developing a strategy to achieve them.
Our work together will help you maintain stability for your family during this challenging time in your life.
Divorce 411 March 2015 | 33
D I V O R C E
4 1 1
GOLF INSTRUCTION AT RED ROCK COUNTRY CLUB WITH
TOM LEESE
CLASS “A” PGA PROFESSIONAL
Director of Instruction at Red Rock Country Club Has served as International Instructor for the PGA Tour Academies in Asia and Central America Golf Digest Magazine’s #4 Top Teaching Professional in NV Golf Tips Magazine’s top 25 Teaching Professional in the U.S. Director of Instruction for National Golf Schools and U.S. Golf Schools in Las Vegas
GIVE THE GIFT OF GOLF! GIFT CERTIFICATES ARE AVAILABLE For THE HOLIDAY SEASON
34 | Divorce 411 March 2015
Training the top Junior and College players around the world, Tom’s focus is on fundamentals, short game, goal setting, and fitness. His training methods have propelled him to the top of his profession among his teaching peers. His students range from PGA Professionals and College golfers, to novice golfers of all ages. Tom Leese, Director of Instruction Red Rock C.C. Las Vegas, NV
(702) 858-2498 Tom@sienagolfacademy.com
Crome Law Firm D I V O R C E
4 1 1
Crome Law Firm based in Las Vegas, Nevada is experienced in handling Law in Las Vegas, and throughout the state of Nevada.
WWW.CROMELAWFIRM.COM 520 S. 4TH STREET LAS VEGAS, NV 89101 Chaka Crome, Esq.
î &#x; 702-384-5563 Divorce 411 March 2015 | 35
D I V O R C E
36 | Divorce 411 March 2015
4 1 1