Single! Young Christian Woman by On My Own Now Ministries

single!

A PUBLICAT I O N O F O N M Y OW N N OW M I N I ST R I ES

JUNE 11

Young Christian Woman

To tattoo

or not to tattoo Mouse Wheeling

and dealing Memories

Single

And Loving It!

The Real Advantages to Being Single

www.onmyown now .co m

with a double edge

single!

JUNE2011

Young Christian Woman

A publication of ON MY OWN NOW MINISTRIES

www.onmyownnow.com

STRAIGHT TALK FROM THE PROVERBS

A Few Hundred of My Closest Friends By Donna Lee Schillinger MOVING OUT ... SETTLING IN

To Know Me is to Understand Me By Kimberly Schluterman

CENTER RING

By Felicia Rose

Single and Lovin’ It (for all the Right Reasons)

SPARE CHANGE

10. Get Your Beach Reads without Shelling Out Too Much By Julie Ann FASHION DIVINA

EDITOR IN CHIEF Donna Lee Schillinger

www.twitter.com/D_L_Schillinger

ART DIRECTION Daniela Bermúdez

12. To Tattoo or Not To Tattoo By Tamara Jane THE RECAP

14. Purity’s Big Payoff / Premarital Sex is a Big Rip-off By Trina Wright-Courtenay JUST WHAT YOU NEED

18. Mouse Wheeling and Dealing By Jeffrey Bridgman

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY, SINGLE! Click the birthday muffin and see what weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been doing these past two years.

+1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1A +1 +Few 1 + +1 +1 +1Hundred +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1of+1my+closest +1 +1 +1 +1 friends +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 +1 + yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy STRAIGHT TALK

by Donna Lee Schillinger

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy A woman of many champions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a sister.

Proverbs 18:24

y y y y y y

yy L

ast night I had a dream that I was in Greece, in a traditional home, having lunch with a few people from my church and… Julia Roberts and her kids. It was Julia’s grandmother’s house. Even while I was dreaming, I reflected that I was giving Julia a chilly reception. Later, after I woke up and as I was pouring my morning coffee, I said out loud (to the dog), “I am jealous of Julia Roberts.” I channeled those thoughts into speech so I could recognize that feeling, however silly, and get on with my morning. It’s one of those feelings that is based in sinful, human nature – a feeling the spirit of God gives us power to overcome. I envy her because she seems to have it all. The truth is everyone has a measure of trouble and heartache in life. If we could swap lives with people, we’d trade and trade again to find out we were probably not so bad off to begin with. I don’t want Julia’s life; I love my life. Nonetheless, one of the things about Julia that makes her enviable is that she has a lot of champions, as our verse calls them. Today, we just call them by the simple misnomer “friends.” Everyone wants to be Julia’s friend. I bet she was popular in high school. She’s a variation on the theme of that person we all know from school, church or the job – that elusive other who seems to have it all, and in particular, a following of the most popular people.

Yes, some people do have a certain “I don’t know what.” But you know what? That “I don’t know what” won’t keep them from becoming a “you know what” some day. Even the Julia Robertses of the world have personal devastations. It seems we all get our share of them in life. And when that happens, will Ms. Popular have spread her affections so thin that no one friend in particular is invested enough to come to her aid? When we’re at our lowest point, if we are truly blessed, we will have one, maybe two friends who we don’t even have to turn to because they are already there. This is the friend you don’t have to seek out because she’s been with you through it all and she’s not leaving now that times are tough – now that you’re no fun and can’t make her laugh. She is there to share the hurt in your heart in a way that even your sister can’t (unless that friend is your sister!). Do you have a friend who is closer than a sister? A close friendship is a gift. You can’t just make one with anyone you pick at random. God has to place that right person in your life. If that person is already there, invest yourself heavily in that relationship – it pays off! If you don’t have that kind of friend yet, ask God to send you one, and while you’re waiting, know that we all have a friend in Jesus. He’s there too, if you will just open your heart to Him.

Even if we have some close friends and know just how blessed we are by that, we may still be tempted to feel jealous that we don’t have the following that Ms. Popular has.

Even if we have some close friends and know just how blessed we are by that, we may still be tempted to feel jealous that we don’t have the following that Ms. Popular has. Why is everyone so fascinated with her? That’s a hard question answered best with the French expression je ne sais quoi (pronounced: szhun say quah). It means “I don’t know,” but we often use it to mean “a certain something.”

Of all my friends and family, Jesus stuck closer to me than anyone during my dark time. He’s got the advantage of being omnipresent, of course, and I really needed that on some sleepless nights. And with a friend like that, who needs personal cheerleaders? Yea, Julia’s got nothin’ on me. Hold this thought: Having a lot of friends is not nearly as important as having one really good one.

MOVING OUT

by Kimberly Schluterman

To know me is

To Understand Me

n The Experience Economy, B. Joseph Pine said, “The experience of being understood, versus interpreted, is so compelling, you can charge admission.” I was intrigued by the statement at first, but it wasn’t until my husband and I were sitting across from each other at Cici’s Pizza that I came to recognize the wisdom in it. After nearly a year of marriage, I realized that we have moved from getting to know each other more each day to already knowing each other. Obviously, we knew each other pretty well before we married, and likewise, living together as husband and wife deepened that knowledge. We’ve been more-than-just-friends for more than four years, and married for one year, but it’s just now that I’m feeling like we know each other sufficiently so that learning about each other isn’t the most obvious function of our relationship. With this much familiarity, it would be easy for us to be bored. After all, when the relationship is no longer interesting (new), it seems natural to lose interest in it. And for some marriages, that may be true, but not a godly marriage. In a godly marriage, each partner recognizes that familiarity and the intimacy of being known is so much more compelling than the thrill of getting to know. This dynamic of being known to be understood is active in other relationships as well. If you watch any reality show in which strangers are suddenly required to live or work together (Celebrity Apprentice, Big Brother, Survivor, The Real World), it quickly becomes apparent that the most stressful part of the experience for most people is living with strangers. It’s so easy to be misunderstood and to misunderstand, and so much more difficult to know a person, that misunderstanding and conflict run abound. Actually, both in real life and in “real”ity TV, true conaflict is often the result of misunderstanding. In retrospect, I realize that one of my favorite things about college was the ability I had to control the company I kept. At worst, I was forced to work with someone I disliked for a class project – the duration of a semester. Pretty much everyone else I didn’t like, I could avoid. However, when I started working, I realized that I no longer had control over my company. I was forced to work with the same people whether I liked them or not, trying to remain professional and respectful, day in, day out, week after week and month after month. There was no four-month cutoff to liberate me from irascible people. If we had conflict, we could either work it out or be miserable every day. And when conflict came from misunderstanding, as it so often did, the only real solution was to learn to understand the other person.

In my relationship with my husband, I know that even when I say something the wrong way or it just comes out completely different than it was in my head, he will take the time to try to understand what I really meant. Furthermore, he has years of previous context in which to frame it. If I say something out of character, he will recognize it as such and either ask me to explain or realize it wasn’t what I meant and move on. Even better, I don’t have to constantly defend my imperfections because he already knows what they are and has accepted me despite them. And that’s really the best part of any familiar, knowing relationship. When someone already knows you, you don’t have to pretend to be better than you are. “Company behavior,” I call it. Not that you shouldn’t always put your best foot forward, and not that those who love you don’t deserve the best version of you, but when your humanity really does come to the front, those who understand your heart will know how to take it.

Not that you shouldn’t always put your best foot forward, and not that those who love you don’t deserve the best version of you, but when your humanity really does come to the front, those who understand your heart will know how to take it.

Finally, it occurs to me that nobody knows us as well as our Creator. Even better than we know ourselves, He knows our hearts, our minds, our intentions, our motivations and our humanity. When something comes off really wrong, but we know in our heart that it was meant as good, He knows that our heart was good. When we make a nice face even though our heart is ugly at the moment, He knows that too. At the end of the day, the experience of being known, rather than guessed at, really is pretty fantastic. I’ll admit I don’t always want to take the time to know the other person because sometimes I simply don’t like her. But just as Jesus knows us perfectly and thus can love us perfectly, the better we know, the better we can love. I’m not really happy about it, but there it is. In our lives and relationships, we should make a point to understand as we want to be understood – to listen and ask questions when something is unclear – so that we can come closer to the perfect love that we enjoy every day from our Creator.

CENTER RING

by Felicia Rose

single and loving it!

(for all the right reasons) 8

s being single really all that great? And if it is, why then does most everyone end up married? The Bible says that God created man to leave his family and become one flesh with a woman. But if marriage were really a manifest destiny, then why would Paul urge people to remain single if they can? A lot could be said to support the efficacy of staying single or being married, but in the end, it’s not an either/or issue for any of us. God has a perfect will for our lives and for some, it includes marriage, for others, it does not. But for all of us, God wills a season of being single – even if it’s just until we turn legal age to marry! So the question is not “Should I remain single?” but “What does God want to accomplish in my single years – however few or many they might be?” There are many pros to being single, but most of the ones that readily come to mind, and that you might find in some mainstream magazine are not really as advantageous as they seem. In fact, most of them are short-term gains at the expense of future happiness. For instance, some might say advantages of being single are having total control over your own downtime, having your own space, keeping your own schedule, spending your money the way you want, not having to answer to anyone else, being able to have a totally girly bathroom and bedroom and the list goes on. Yes, being single brings freedom that one simply cannot know while being in a relationship. However, all of these “freedoms” really just boil down to the freedom to be more selfish, and therefore, are not conducive to our number one goal as disciples of Christ: becoming more like Him. And in a more practical application, they are counterproductive to developing the character that will help us be successful as wives and mothers, in the likely event those things happen for us.

I am 24 years old and single. Not only am I single, but I am showing no signs of my status changing anytime soon. Some would hesitate at that thought but I embrace it! It is incredible the freedom that I have to do God’s work. Because I have stayed single I have grown in God in a way that never would have happened otherwise. Because I have no husband, no earthly companion, I have to rely on God to fill that place. I find comfort, passion, hope, supply, and an overwhelming love with God. God, I have learned, loves me so much more than a man ever could. God also knows how to romance a women and He fills our hearts with a flame for life that no man would ever ignite, at least not long-term anyway. Having the ability to do as God calls without other considerations is one of the most important reasons to stay single. Most people fumble through their first few years as an adult. Many don’t know exactly what they want to do, and adulthood does not come naturally. It takes time to build a successful foundation for a prosperous future. Once that foundation is set, which could take several years, then it’s time to listen to God’s voice for life direction.

You have probably known someone who got an amazing job or ministry offer but had to turn it down because of a relationship – it would take her away from a boyfriend or she stayed put because her husband had a good job. These things can and do happen on a daily basis. Are these women missing God’s best for their lives because they rushed into or forced a relationship for fear of being single? Marriage when done too soon and at an ill-prepared stage in life can have devastating results on a person’s life in many areas, but most importantly in spiritual development. However, marriage done in God’s time can be one of the happiest, most joyous occasions of a person’s life and provide a joy that lasts a lifetime! And yet Dig deeper and we can identify retrospective realization that we jumped the gun on the true pros of being single: the marriage is not excuse to important work for God’s glory that ditch it. God hates divorce, the Bible says just that, and we can accomplish more effectively so once the commitment as singles than as wives or mothers is made, it is imperative to make it work.

Dig deeper and we can identify the true pros of being single: the important work for God’s glory that we can accomplish more effectively as singles than as wives or mothers. There are spiritual benefits to staying single. Singles often have more time to dedicate to personal spiritual growth, which will have life-long benefits. Many of us, unfortunately, arrive at adulthood with a fair amount of baggage that requires time, reflection and sometimes counseling to work through. Single years are great for unpacking our bags! The unencumbered years are also the best for doing something radical for God’s kingdom, like foreign missions. The extra time in our social calendar may be placed there by God to direct us to a ministry He wants us to commit to before we commit to marriage. Even when we just can’t bring ourselves to like our single status, God can be growing and refining our character through developing in us trust, obedience, patience and joy in all circumstances.

Whether you are reading bridal magazines despite not having been on a date in six months, or wearing white is not even on your radar screen, you can experience joy and satisfaction being single. Embrace your walk with God! Embrace the good freedoms of being single and learn to love every minute of it! You won’t know what you missed until you take the chance to receive it! Recently graduated from college, Felicia Rose works in social services. She is a spirited person who loves working with others and participating in outdoor activities such as hiking, putt-putting, and camping. She also enjoys settling down to a good book on rainy days.

SPARE CHANGE

by Julie Ann

Get your beach reads Without Shelling Out Too Much

ow that the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are upon us, it’s time to start tackling that summer reading list! Whether it’s a requirement of your academic program or just for fun, the costs of all those books can add up if you purchase them. However, with a little bit of creativity and resourcefulness you can drastically cut down on the money you are shelling out for the pleasure of reading. Here are some suggestions.

Local Library:

Audio Books:

This is probably the oldest and most obvious tip, but sometimes it’s easy to forget what a great resource your local library can be. A few years ago, after realizing I was spending way too much money on books, I started to frequent my local library. I checked out books on everything from royal families to the Holocaust to the Titanic. I learned a lot, saved lots of cash, and I don’t have books lying around that I will never read again. So if you haven’t been to your local library in a while, head on down, sign up for a library card and start checking out those books. (Bonus: Most libraries also offer a ton of other services and items to check out such as music and videos.)

If you are heading out on a road trip or want to lounge poolside with your eyes closed dreaming of other worlds, you may want to consider audio books. You can check out audio books from many libraries and can also download free audiobooks from iTunes. One of the best places I’ve found is Lit2Go from the University of South Florida. To find their free collection on iTunes, go to the iTunes U section and then search for the University of South Florida. Within minutes you can be engrossed in The Count of Monte Cristo or Wuthering Heights.

Also, don’t forget about university libraries and church libraries. Many libraries also participate in an inter-library loan program, so if you can’t find what you need at your library, ask and they may be able to obtain it on loan from another library.

eBooks: A few months ago my mom got me a Kindle for my birthday. I was very excited because I don’t like the hassle of hauling a heavy book around. In general, eBooks are cheaper than printed books (and environmentally friendly) and you can also download some of the classics for free. I’m currently reading Tolstoy’s classic Anna Karenina on my Kindle, which I downloaded free. I’m looking forward to reading other classics from Jane Austen, Jonathan Swift and Charles Dickens. Depending on your book-buying habits and the location of your local library, it might be a worthwhile investment to buy an e-reader such as a Kindle or Nook. The device has the potential to pay for itself in a short time, so be sure to calculate the cost vs. benefit if you are thinking of purchasing one.

Other Resources: Finally, go beyond the obvious in seeking out new books. For example, swap books with friends, check out local secondhand stores (even some libraries have secondhand stores) or visit a coffee shop or café that encourages you to take and leave a book. Opportunities for free or inexpensive books are everywhere. So as soon as you finish reading this issue of Single! head to your local library, start downloading or raid your BFF’s bookcase and start crossing those books off your reading list!

If you don’t have a Kindle, Nook or other e-reader device, you can still read eBooks by downloading a free app to your iPad, iPhone, Android, Blackberry, PC or MAC. I’m not convinced that I’d want to read War and Peace on my cell phone, but you can check out these free apps on your device to see if it’s right for you.

TO TATTOO OR NOT TO TATTOO

FA SHION DIVINA

by Tamara Jane

hat is the question. Last year when I went to a local waterpark, I noticed something new and in abundance: tattoos. After a long, hard winter, I hadn’t seen much bare skin in a while, and as my first time at a public pool for the year, the tattoos really jumped out at me – some in an “in your face” sort of way, while others seemed more tasteful, like art on the body. Then I contemplated the tattoo. If you were to poll random Christians, you would get a variety of answers about their views on tattoos. Many are staunchly opposed to defacing the human temple. Others are unsure, and if I had asked members of biker churches, I bet they would be strong supporters of tattoos. Of course, the Bible doesn’t mention tattoos one way or another and there are cultural contexts to consider as well, so it’s not easy to say tattoos are “right” or “wrong.” And yet, given our cultural context, there are definitely some pros and cons of tattoos. And perhaps they can help you to decide if a tattoo is right or wrong for you.

PROS:

CONS:

• They’re a good way to express yourself and to instantly communicate something about you to the world.

• Let’s start with the one that’s also a pro: tattoos are permanent. But the problem with that is that we are not. We change with time and often quite drastically. So an image we feel is our icon today might not be something we’d like several years from now. For example, a Hello Kitty tattoo might be the cat’s meow for you today, but when you’re older? And maybe you think a tattoo totally fits your carefree and countercultural lifestyle now, but 15 years from now when you’re up for that supervisor position? Better wear long sleeves to the interview.

• They’re artsy or edgy at best and can make you feel like you’ve got a little flair. • They last longer than Sharpie! So if there’s something you want to permanently impress upon yourself – like your favorite Bible verse – it’s there, to stay! But on that last point: don’t think that just because you get a cross, picture of Jesus, or your favorite Bible verse tattooed on, that it will endear you to Grandma. Some Christians think it’s sacrilegious to tattoo the things of God. But if you’re so inclined anyway, don’t contradict your witness by placing the tattoo someplace that forces a man to exercise self-restraint as he reads it! I’ve seen young women with references to verses tattooed across their chest or right above the fanny. Doesn’t match up, if you get what I’m saying.

• Tattoos are expensive – you could buy an original piece of art from an up and coming artiest for about the same amount of money needed for a decent tattoo – and they hurt, a lot (which is why many people need to be drunk to get one). • Over time, tattoos fade or begin to turn yellow, especially when they are exposed to the sun. So for a long-lasting tattoo, you need to put it where the sun doesn’t shine, but then who is going to see it? A catch 22. • The strongest con of all is not about you or the tattoo, but about everybody else. People are pretty judgmental and in our culture, tattoos (whether you agree or not) are associated with lower class, hard living, rebellion, promiscuity, drugs and drunkenness. Now I’m sure there are plenty of prim and proper, upper class virgins with tattoos out there (ehem!) but they are not the image that pops into the average American mind when it hears, “She’s got a tattoo.” While you shouldn’t be punished or overly inhibited by what others think, you should still be aware of this.

Weigh the pros and cons for yourself, but remember that God knows your heart, and that’s what He judges, not our appearance. Also remember, people aren’t as understanding, and they do judge you for appearance, and in this world where we are to be salt and light, that can be pretty important too.

THE RECAP

byTrina Wright-Courtenay

Purity’s big

payoff Premarital sex is a big rip-off

he most difficult task in the life of a Christian single today is maintaining purity until marriage. The payoff is perfect love and sex, just as our Creator intended. But if that’s so awesome, why aren’t more people choosing it? And how can premarital sex be so bad if so many people are doing it and loving it? People who were virgins when they married aren’t usually the type to kiss and tell. And when premarital sex goes wrong, no one wants to Tweet it. This awkward silence from both contingents isn’t helping the next generation to decide well on the issue of premarital sex. Purity’s Big Payoff/Premarital Sex is a Big Rip-off is a collection of 17 first-person narratives about successfully waiting for marriage to have sex – or not. Contributors on both sides of the issue candidly share in face-reddening detail what they learned on their way to the wedding bed. Young people aiming to remain pure will be encouraged and learn practical strategies for resisting sexual temptation. Those who wish they had waited will learn that it’s never too late to restore purity with God’s grace. The following is an excerpt.

Memories with a

double edge T

he winter of my ninth-grade year, while others were hoping for a white Christmas, I was planning a much different event, one that would change my life forever. My boyfriend and I were going to take our relationship to the next level. We were planning because we didn’t want to become parents, so we purchased protection. The awaited day came and went, and with it, my purity. For the next two months I thought I had made the right decision by giving my most precious gift to a well-deserving guy. After all, we talked of being that couple — the one that dates all through high school, marries and goes off to college together. My bubble burst shortly after Valentine’s Day when he broke it off with me, using some ridiculous excuse about sports which I couldn’t hear over the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces and crashing to the hardwood floor of his bedroom. My decision to give away my virginity at such a tender age was the first of several decisions made all for the wrong reasons. I actually believed that a guy couldn’t have sex with me unless he loved me. That’s how my confused young mind processed things. If a boyfriend said those magical words to me, the next

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the end of my senior year, instead of shopping for a prom dress in the City, renting a limo and deciding how to do my hair for the prom, I was hunting for my first apartment, working after school and trying to afford a proper nursery on minimum wage. A poor decision, from which I never turned back, coupled with a moment of forgetfulness, created a new future for me and did away with all the memories I thought I would one day have. I thought I would have memories of my parents’ joy as they learned they were going to be grandparents. Instead I remember the way my mother stared at me with those sad, haunting, light green eyes. At the time I thought I was seeing shame, hurt and maybe betrayal, but now that I’m a mother of a 17-year-old girl, the age I was when I became pregnant, I know it wasn’t that. What I saw reflected in my mother’s eyes was the future she was envisioning for me and my unborn child — a life she knew would be hard, trying, and at times, hopeless. I thought I would have the memory of seeing my husband’s eyes light up when I told him he was going to be a daddy. Instead, my memories are of a stomach

I thought I would have the memory of seeing my husband’s eyes light up when I told him he was going to be a daddy. Instead, my memories are of a stomach so tightly wound I would have rather eaten cold vomit than to tell my boyfriend I was pregnant.

step was intimacy — that’s all it took. The next guy who said those words to me broke my already shattered heart into mere flecks.

so tightly wound I would have rather eaten cold vomit than to tell my boyfriend I was pregnant. His reaction was to be expected, “What are we going to do?”

By my senior year in high school, becoming intimate had become the natural progression of a relationship for me. As natural as getting up every day, dressing, eating breakfast and taking my birth control pill. Except, that is, on those mornings when I slept in because I had been drinking the night before. On those mornings I took the pill later in the day. And thus, at

Time revealed that there was no “we,” there was only “me.” We didn’t break up right away, but since I lived in another town, I spent my pregnancy alone, sharing the highs and lows of pregnancy whenever we next saw each other. No one was with me to hold my waist-length hair out of the toilet during my bouts of morning sickness. No one was with me during the hot summer nights when the baby decided to kick up a

storm. And, no one was with me when my water broke after a soothing bubble bath. In fact, I drove myself to the hospital while in the early stages of labor and my boyfriend met me there. Our good intentions to stay together lasted until our daughter was nine months old. As if that whole child-out-of-wedlock experience wasn’t hard enough, I produced a carbon copy of it three and a half years later. The second time I truly thought things would be different. I was older, I thought I was more mature and this time my new boyfriend and I talked of marriage prior to finding out that we were expecting a child. In the end, I found myself alone and once again driving myself to the hospital. Even with different details, I got the same result. I understand now that I was still doing the same thing to produce the results: I was having premarital sex. My poor choices really hit home when I found myself a young, single mother for a second time. Alone is not what I wanted to be. I never dreamed of raising children on my own! But because I didn’t seem to be able to make the right choices when it came to dating and sex, I decided that alone is just what I needed. It was better to be alone than to be with someone and feel lonely, which is what I felt during most of my relationships. And so, I spent the next four years alone — getting to know who I was and what I wanted for myself and my daughters. I went off to college. Instead of spending late nights hanging out with the girls and studying while eating microwave popcorn, I was bathing kids and attempting to hold my eyes open with toothpicks in an effort to study or complete assignments. Life on campus was a good experience for my children. It made my daughters want to continue their education but in a way that they would get the full experience. And I don’t mean running children to daycare and school. No, they desire an experience which includes the freedom to study when they need to, not just when they can, which is how it was for me. My memories are not the normal ones associated with college life, but the silver lining was that my children were in the audience during graduation — not a bad memory, but a memory with a double edge. During those four years, I also learned what courtship was meant to be. Most of all, I learned to respect myself and to treat my body as the gift from God that it is. And that decision opened the doors to some very positive experiences and memories for which I’m grateful. While at a family Bible camp at the end of my first year of college, I met a divorced father of three. On the last day, he took my picture and, unbeknownst

to me, placed it in his Bible and sent up a prayer to Our Heavenly Father. He prayed something like this, “If she’s the one for me, Father, I pray you’ll bring her home when she’s finished with college.” Two weeks before I was scheduled to move back home after college, this man phoned my best friend to see if I needed help with moving and to see if it would be okay to call me. My best friend passed on the information, and for the next two weeks, we were in touch by phone. When he showed up for the move, not only did he help load and drive the moving truck, but he helped finish the cleaning. He also lined up some men from the church to help unload my furniture into my auntie’s garage, and then four days later, to move my girls and me into our new place. During a breakfast date a couple of weeks later, he asked if I would consider going out with him. I remember feeling butterflies in my stomach and I’m pretty sure my face turned red as I asked, a bit baffled, “Isn’t this what we’re doing?” I told him that no one had asked me to “go out with him” since ninth grade. A twinkle lit up his warm, brown eyes as he replied that the question was long overdue. He continued to court me in this same fashion over the next couple of months. I could tell he was falling in love with me by all the little things a man does when he’s putting a woman first. Yes, I did just say “man,” and that was the difference in him and my past boyfriends. He was a man, not just some random guy. This man showed me his love by the way he acted. He took things slow, showing me how love was supposed to feel. By the end of our fourth month together, I knew he was different than others I had dated. For the first time in my life I was able to imagine how we’d look 50 years down the road in the old folks home, side by side on rocking chairs, as he smiles an almost toothless grin with that same twinkle in his eyes and mumbles words of affection to me. And so, I casually showed him three different rings I liked, knowing in my heart he wanted to make me his wife as much as I wanted to become his wife. One year and one month after he asked me out, I became his wife for better or worse, in sickness and in health, all of the days of our lives. Sounds like my life experiences brought about a pretty darn good ending, doesn’t it? But this is not the end. It was just the beginning of a new type of struggle. About three years into my marriage, well after the honeymoon was over, I was more convinced than ever that my husband was a loving, caring man and I was more in love with him than on the day I said “I do.” Then wham! Memories of the past started flooding

in. The devil was now using my memories to cause me grief — not only from memories I have, but also for memories I could have had. The past had never been a problem in any other relationship. In fact, I would use it to try to figure out where I had gone wrong. Never had it caused this kind of emotion. That’s when it hit me, my “Ah-ha!” moment. I realized if I hadn’t given into temptation when I was young, the Devil wouldn’t have any ammunition — these double-edged memories to cause me pain. The Enemy knows just when to bring back those dormant memories to cause the most hurt. Such moments of pain bring great pleasure to the Enemy. Finally I understood the truth in I Thessalonians 4:36, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality: that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God: and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.” Besides the risk of unwanted pregnancy, I had not understood why it was important to wait for marriage to have sex. My rationale had been, “Would you buy a car without test driving it first? I think not!” As distorted as it now sounds to my own ears, I often used that to justify my behaviors. Now, finally I understood why Our Heavenly Father not only wanted us to remain pure but also warned us against sex outside of marriage.

As quickly as I could, I dismissed the memories of past sexual relationships and the emotions attached to them, and I threw them back into the pit of hell, asking my Lord for forgiveness. However, the Enemy saw how those memories had affected me. He knew exactly the way I’d react and because it gave him pleasure to see my pain, he used it again and again. And I had a seemingly endless well of memories from which to draw — things I had long ago forgotten, but the Enemy hadn’t. My saving grace is the forgiveness I received from my Lord, without whom I’d be extremely messed up, not knowing how to deal with these memories. So easily and readily I made a major life decision to give up my virginity, and that single decision has reverberated throughout my adult years, causing waves of poor decisions. If I could have only one prayer answered it would be that others would learn from my experience — for others to understand that the easier road is to learn from someone else who has been there and done that. And in doing so, they just might save themselves from a heart broken into a million pieces and memories that cut like a double-edged sword. If I could do it all over again, I may still have dated the guys I did, and I can hardly regret the blessing of my daughters, though I wish they had had the benefit of a complete family. But one thing you can bet I would do differently would be to save myself for my husband. All my memories of intimacy would be of him and with him, the only man in my life who deserved my most sacred and precious gift. And, in doing so, I would claim the gift of beautiful memories that our Lord desires us all to possess.

This story was excerpted from the new book Purity’s Big Payoff / Premarital Sex is a Big Ripoff, edited by Donna Lee Schillinger. A collection of 17 true stories about love that waited – or not! – for sex until marriage and the consequences of that decision. Learn more at PuritysBigPayoff.com. Now on sale at major online booksellers, through your local bookstore or for a special price of $12 plus free shipping at www.OnMyOwnNow. com, which receives as a donation half of the proceeds of its sales. Also available in Kindle through Amazon.com. También en español: La Gran Recompensa de la Pureza / La Gran Estafa del Sexo Prematrimonial. Visite www.VivaLaPureza.info.

Mouse Wheeling

JUST WHAT YOU NEED

by Jeffrey Bridgman

And Dealing

hat’s that in your purse? A wad of cash? Or is it receipts where money used to be? Regardless of your cash flow or net worth, if you’re planning a purchase, you should exercise due diligence to get the best deal. More information than you need or want is available on the Internet, but if you’re not careful, you can waste so much time trying to find it that you’ve diluted your deal. And browser beware that Internet surfers can be carried away by cyber riptides and end up buying things they don’t need or products more expensive than they planned to buy. The tide can quickly turn on this technique that is meant to save you money. So mentally prepare yourself before you jump in by setting a time limit for finding what you’re looking for and a spending limit. Write these things down with a list of the must-have features you’re looking for in a product. Stay focused! Stay focused! With those cautions, I recommend a two-pronged approach to purchasing. First, do some research a few weeks in advance by checking some sites and signing up for some newsletters that are likely to alert you of a deal on what you’re buying. Second, on the day you buy, scan the Web to make sure there’s no better deal before you click “buy now.” Here are a few of my favorites for research and keeping a watchful eye for a sale over a period of a few weeks prior to purchasing: www.dealnews.com – This website has over 200 select deals each day, and they are confirmed to be legit from trusted retailers. What’s their slogan? “Where Black Friday is Every Day.” You can search for and subscribe to email alerts for a particular item, subscribe to one of several newsletters for different types of products, or subscribe to RSS feeds for whatever you need. You can also get coupons to use on brand-name websites. (In case you’re wondering, RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication and allows users to avoid manually inspecting all of the websites they are interested in, and instead, subscribe to websites such that all new content is pushed onto their browsers when it

becomes available. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you are really simple if you didn’t know that!) www.techbargains.com – This site has hand-picked bargains on electronics among other things. It also includes coupon codes, etc. Deals change frequently, so you want to check this site often. It has a newsletter and custom alerts you can set up, too. www.woot.com – This is a fun website to check out: “One Day, One Deal.” Every day they have a different deal. It hooked me for a while. www.deals.com – This is a community for sharing and finding coupons, deals and promotions. Finally, on the day you buy, the price-comparison websites can check various retail sites to find the best price. Search for a specific product or a general category and filter the results down to see the various prices offered on desired items. Most of these sites also have a price history feature that show what prices were charged for a particular item in the past. This function allows us to see if the current offer is a good deal, or if we should wait a few months for a better price. Some websites also have customer ratings and reviews, as well. Here are some good ones to check: • • • • •

www.pricegrabber.com www.nextag.com www.google.com/products shopping.yahoo.com www.half.com

This is only scratching the surface of all the resources available, but it should get you started finding deals and comparison-shopping. If this seems like a lot of work, compare it to going to three or four stores around town and the gas, time and effort involved. Add up those resources and keep them in mind when allotting your time to search the Web.