Horrorscope | Michael Johnson

Apologies to all our Gemini readers, but for the foreseeable future the predictions will be specifically for the Gemini leading our nation. It’s a difficult task, and one that he is completely unsuited for, so is obviously in need of guidance.

GEMINI

Another trying month for the Gemini in power on the right side of the political divide. Financial issues have raised their ugly head. Namby pamby scientific advisors are once again at variance with both your libertarian goals and the numerous amoral cronies waiting to line your pockets. Eventually you will have to go with your gut instincts and stockpile the moolah. Piles of bodies on the streets will be less of a burden on the N.H.S. and can be easily cleaned up by refuse collectors, who you have yet to antagonise. Romance might be on the horizon again as well, so try and keep in contact with the bridesmaids who were at your recent wedding.

CANCER

That bubbly Cancerian personality means that you are generally the life and soul of the party, always out and about, socialising with both work colleagues and friends. But now might be the time to duck your head below the parapet for a while. With Pluto drifting into your 6th house, opposing Venus, a plague of boils may well strike at the start of the month, with a good chance of scabies and impetigo as well.

LEO

The sun is out, summer is in full swing, and it’s time to get out and mingle with friends. You may well have been feeling a little isolated recently, as well as somewhat run down. You need some exercise, and team sports may well be the order of the day. Something like cricket, where you can enjoy the open air. Saturn at Short Square Leg and Venus in the Gully means you should enjoy your time at the crease. But with the Umpire conjunct the Third Man and Mars at Silly Mid On watch out for the short ball on an uneven wicket, your box may not be enough to protect you.

VIRGO

The new moon in the middle of the moon is a sign that things are brightening up for you. It’s time to get out into the world; time to put away those drab rags you normally wear. Splash out on some bright, summery clothes. No one gets invited out if all they’re always dressed in jumble sale leftovers.

LIBRA

It’s time to take a stance, really show people what you believe in. Your opinions have often been derided by your circle, and quite rightly so. They’re the usual mish-mash of wishy-washy Libran nonsense. But now is the time to assert yourself. Don’t mind the howls of laughter as your explain your point of view, it’s character building.

SCORPIO

With the full moon coming in the middle of the month this will be a time to re-evaluate your past. All your current problems, the mess you’re in, perhaps if your dig back deep enough you can find someone else to blame. It is not unheard of now, for example, to sue parents if you feel they didn’t do enough for you.

Horrorscope

SAGITTARIUS

Numerous setbacks in your life recently have made you question some of your decision-making processes. You are becoming more analytical, scrutinising the advice you are being given with a scienti c eye, with more rigour, looking at things logically. You’re not reading this anymore, are you?

CAPRICORN

Someone close to you is harbouring a secret and they need a friendly face to con de in. Your sympathetic, trustworthy manner will make you seem the ideal person. With a bit of luck this will be something salacious enough to give you a signi cant hold over them, possibly leading to extortion, therefore easing those money troubles you have been having recently.

AQUARIUS

The alignment of the planets this month is not doing much for your well-being. Look to some other natural forces to raise your spirits and boost your con dence. Make sure you have your birthstone with you at all times and regularly rub it all over your skin - for an Aquarius that stone is a Coprolite. A good friend of mine is also creating a range of vegetable based scented candles for the various star signs, which should also help. I believe there’s a boiled cabbage one which should be perfect for you. Please email for details.

PISCES

After some very di cult times a day will arrive very soon where there will seem to be some very positive changes. Those troublesome work colleagues that were making you so unhappy are suddenly full of praise. Romance is in the air, either a new acquaintance or a re-kindled love. And nancial worries are gone after a win on the lottery. But, sadly, it will turn out to have been a dream and everything will be just as miserable as before.

ARIES

A very unusual alignment of planets in your houses this month, something I’ve not seen before. So unusual I contacted a colleague who works with Chinese star signs. Don’t know why I bothered. He mumbled some nonsense about it indicating your Chi was weak and out of balance, if you believe that sort of mumbo jumbo. Just to be on the safe side, though, perhaps get some Chi from your local Chi shop in case you feel a bit wobbly. I think it keeps in the fridge for a month or more.

TAURUS

After a couple of di cult months you have been feeling quite down. A good friend has advised you to take stock, look deep inside yourself and draw on those inner strengths, that moral integrity they know you have. This would not be advisable as sadly they are mistaken. There is nothing to nd and looking for it will only make you feel worse.