Doork East Magazine - Vol. 1 "Inside the mind of a Doork"

ALWAYS

D OORK E AST

MAGAZINE Volume 1

Inside the mind of a Doork

June 2022

EDITOR IN CHIEF

Ramiro Baldwin

EDITORS

Ridley Chiesa

Clair Ventucci

REPORTERS

Lincoln King

Ramsey Castillo

Redford White

MAGAZINE DESIGN

Upwind Strategy

DE LORE DEPARTMENT

Toggen

DE ART DEPARTMENT

Amans Best

Tranter Roberts

COVER

Tranter Roberts

PROOFREADING

Cardano Shield

Mrs Brown

AUDIOBOOK VERSION

Upwind Strategy

youtube.com/@doorkeast

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The Doork East Magazines are not intended to be and do not constitute financial advice, investment advice, trading advice, medical advice, dietary advice or any other advice or recommendation of any sort. None of the content contained here constitutes an offer (or solicitation of an offer) to buy or sell any NFT, cryptocurrency, currency, product or financial instrument, to make any investment, or to participate in any particular trading strategy. All rights reserved.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the first volume of the Doork East magazine. It is the fruit of the lively imagination of the community of Apes in our district.

OUR STATEMENT

“We, Apes of Doork East, have gathered in the most affordable district around a simple idea: to take an active role in the construction of the ecosystem that surrounds us. Without pretension, but not without fun.”

This magazine is an expression of that spirit, of our passionate desire to communicate our aspiration to see the Ape Society contribute to a thriving ecosystem that benefits all, in and beyond the Ape Society.

LETTER FROM KING DE’ MEDICI

Author: Upwind Strategy

Dear Apes of Doork East,

I was delighted to receive your letter conveyed to me by Royal Advisor Ansley Lavigne when he presented your idea of creating a magazine that aims to be a testimony of the precocious development of your district. I feel sure that his stay at the Court of Clovelly Gardens will be remembered as a happy and valuable one in strengthening the friendly relations which already exist between the districts.

I strongly encourage your initiative, being convinced that documenting our lives and ideas can play a role in the development of the Ape Society.

Thank you for your kind remarks about my forthcoming visit to your district.

I look forward with the greatest pleasure to my visit and to meeting the apes of Doork East.

Your sincere Friend, Edward

“I strongly encourage your initiative, being convinced that documenting our lives and ideas can play a role in the development of the Ape Society.”

- Edward de‘ Medici

THE STORY OF THE DOORKS

OR HOW AN INVALUABLE TREASURE WAS DISCOVERED

Authors: Amans Best & Upwind Strategy

A gathering of the Doorks

1. INTERIOR COTTAGE - DAY - A GATHERING OF SOME DOORKY APES

APE 1

A message hit my mailbox this morning from an anonymous Ape, containing a very intriguing question: “What makes a million-dollar jpeg?” That’s all, nothing else!

APE 2

How can someone leave you alone with such a deep philosophical question without giving you the answer?

APE 3

Yeah, that’s cruel!

APE 1

Utterly cruel, indeed. He could also have asked “Is reality real?” while he was at it!

APE 2

That’s another mystery to me! How can we solve all these philosophical questions without another pint of fermented banana beer?

APE 3

I just thought of another difficult question: “What if we, handsome, charming, inquisitive Apes, claimed a district for our own?”

APE 4

What? A land seizure? This is a rhetorical question! Of course we have to do that! Apes, tool up!

APE 3

Calm your professionally distorted spirits my dear Military Officer friend! I was thinking of a peaceful gathering of likeminded Apes in a district we would choose!

The whole group of apes cheered at the idea, shouting with excitement and enthusiasm.

APE 4

Even better! I prefer to keep my sword clean! What do you think of Doork East? Aren’t we those who always fly the flag for the Ape Society, the Nerds, the Geeks, the ... Doorks?

So, they examined the map and like the idea even more because it looked like the most affordable district, accessible to all Apes.

The message spread, and the Apes soon found there were a lot of them who felt they too were Doorks.

A spark igniting a fire

2. INTERIOR ESTATE IN DOORK EAST - A FEW DAYS LATER - AN EVEN BIGGER GATHERING

APE 1

New Apes, thank you for joining us here! What we saw when we first looked at the map was an opportunity. We wanted this to be an inclusive postcode, and so it is! We want that our neighbors feel strongly enough about The Ape Society to make memes, write articles, and generally climb on the roofs of their cabins and bang their pots and pans as loud and as proud as they can!

APE 10

And it doesn’t end here! It seems that our actions have been picked up on by others. We challenged other communities to gather in any districts they see fit. We already

heard that District 19 has become the stronghold for Space Apes.

APE 69 - chuckling loudly with some other Apes Moon boys…!

APE 1

I will clump you with your own pots and pans if you don’t stay quiet!

Silence fell, but the smiles remained on their faces.

APE 10

Have you heard District 35 has been claimed by a group of Apes calling themselves Thai?

APE 1

We don’t even begin to know what this means or where it will all go, but we Doorks support it wholeheartedly! Anything that brings Apes together for the good of The Ape Society is okay with us!

ALL APES TOGETHER - lifting their beverage Aye!

APE 3

One thing we have learned is that when you gather a group of like-minded Apes, magical things begin to happen. Friendships are born, creativity forms and even a glossy magazine appears!

And that’s simply how an unvaluable treasure of friendship was discovered!

GAME THEORY APPLIED TO THE APE SOCIETY

An interview with Brent Monet

Author: Upwind Strategy

The following is a discussion with the Royal Advisor Brent Monet, an internationally renowned researcher in the fields of mathematical economics at Birkbeck, University of Doork East. In this interview, he provides some insight into the world of game theory and how it applies to the Ape Society.

Good morning, Professor Monet, thank you for welcoming us to your lovely cottage on Birkbeck Road! So, let me begin with my first question, and I know that we have many readers from all other districts that are also eager to learn about it: what is game theory?

Game theory studies mathematical models of social interactions, or “games”. Game theorists analyze the strategic decisions made by Apes when they compete or cooperate with others.

A key concept in game theory is an equilibrium – a strategy for each Ape that is best for them, assuming the strategies of the other players are

fixed. Game theorists can ask whether the actual behaviour of the Apes is accurately described by the equilibrium, and if not, why.

In the Ape Society, the rules leading to the desired equilibrium of optimal collective wealth creation are crafted by the Ape Force 1, the founding team. They designed the initial rules of the Ape Society considering economic and game theory as found in prosperous societies in the history of our ancestor humans, and they can marginally add new incentives to improve the equilibrium outcomes for the whole Ape Society, and even think beyond in considering what’s good for the whole Cardano ecosystem.

What is happening in the Doork East district is interesting, because it is the first substantial deviation from their undivided control of the rules, because by creating joint initiatives, the Apes can themselves also become a driving force of their own value creation for the whole society. In a sense, it could be seen as the birth of the self-conscience of the Apes or the first manifestation of Apes taking their destiny into

their own hands to go beyond what is expected from them.

From a game theory perspective, the Apes of Doork East can be considered as forming a cooperative game (or coalitional game), creating a prior non existing competition between districts. In absence of external enforcement of cooperative behavior, the forging of alliances was a predictable outcome that I foretold in a recent article published in The Ape Journal of Mathematical Economics.

Can you give us a real-life example of game theory in action?

The Real Estate market is a real-life example of a game. If you are bidding on a cabin, how much should you bid? Certainly, you should bid less than the most you would be willing to pay, but the lower your bid, the smaller your probability of winning. If you are selling your cabin, would you be better off using an open auction – used by all current NFT marketplaces – or should you follow another practice of asking people to submit sealed bids? Game theory helps us to understand why Apes do what they do, and whether they could do better.

What are you currently researching in the field?

Take cabins for example: they have been allocated randomly for whitelisted Apes first, then from those that have not already been claimed, a public sale randomly distributed the cabins. In the whitelist round, Nobles received with 100% probability a Chateau.

We can therefore say the Apes could trade probabilities of receiving a Chateau in advance by buying a Noble. But has the price of Nobles changed before and after the Chateau drop?

We haven’t seen any loss of value of Nobles on the market, on the contrary: so, can we infer that the market didn’t price in Nobles the value of Chateaus? Could that be the sign of a market inefficiency? Personally, I don’t think so, I think that this event made the market more aware of the potential unsuspected future value that Nobles will have. I can corroborate my conclusions through my observations of the Kings which led me to the same conclusions.

The Ape Society provides many data points for our research, and Doork East will be an important area to watch. I don’t exclude a situation with multiple equilibria, as we still must determine which outcomes all Ape stakeholders will seek and favor.

What we can observe so far is that “Doorks” seem to focus on seemingly economically unprofitable subjects, such as philosophy, art, and literature, which could seem superfluous at first sight, but personally it is a feature that made me want to move to this neighborhood, as the conversations I can have with my neighbors broaden my perspective on life and allow me to discover new intellectual horizons.

Of course, having said that, I still spend time in all the other districts, all Apes are interesting! The complexity of interactions that can be observed in the whole Ape Society could well open a whole new field of modern applied mathematics.

How

would you describe what is happening in Doork East?

Cooperative game theory provides a high-level approach to describe the different structures, strategies, and payoffs of coalitions.

It remains to be seen if other coalitions will

form, and which approach they will take. Once we see other groups forming (or maybe nothing happens and all Apes just gather in District 11 by some sort of first-mover network effect traction?), but the finite number of cabins in the district could compel the formation of other groups to choose another more affordable district to join a newly formed movement. We could also see “Doorks” officially expand and take over new territories.

We can already observe non-Ape NFT holders gathering in some other districts. The game theory mechanics and incentives for other communities to join the movement as soon as possible seems to be obvious. But I’ll leave that topic for another time.

The permeability between the Apes and districts will make coordination inside of the groups more complicated, as it will be difficult to forge hidden strategies that would remain secret for very long. Each group could get “infiltrated” by other Apes for example.

In many instances, insufficient information will probably be available to accurately model the formal procedures available to the Apes during all strategic stages of the evolution of the Ape Society. I am certainly very interested in following these developments. Perhaps what is now a society will become a civilization in the future?

It is too early to say, but some of my calculations seem to show that we could attribute a non-zero probability to this scenario.

Doork East is particularly interesting for me as a researcher because it may well be at the forefront of a push towards the first significant breakthrough in Ape evolution.

Do you think all Apes should consider Doork East?

Intuitively, a cooperative game creates an opportunity cost for a coalition of not joining another coalition. But in the case of mutually non-exclusive coalitions, the analytical framework suggests that there might be more instances of winning outcomes for all parties. In other words, if the Doork East district is very successful, it could also help all other districts to get more visibility.

Considering the theoretical concepts of efficiency, payoff splitting vector, uniqueness and marginality, I predict that we might have a situation of, at first, a payoff only weakly greater for Doork East than the rest of the Ape Society districts. But in the long run, the additivity of effort allocations by other districts could create synergies and marginally higher payoff for the “active” districts, which could result in a nonzero-sum collective gain, but only if the advantage in the favor of “active” districts persists. It remains to be seen what forms this advantage could take. Only the future can tell! The creativity of apes is legendary, from an evolutionary point of view it seems to be derived from an increased capacity for random thought. But owning a cabin here, and hence, maybe being a little bit biased, I would strongly advise that you do your own research about it, explore the streets, and discuss with some our Apes here to make your own opinion.

Professor Monet, you can rest reassured that our readers love research too! Thank you for your thoughts on this subject, you gave us some interesting food for thought, I’m sure many Apes in Doork East and beyond will meditate on this.

DOORK EAST A GEOGRAPHICAL PROFILE

Author: Toggen

The Ape Society map is split into 35 distinct districts. Each district is assigned a number, where district 1 is in the far northwest corner and district 35 is located far southeast. Apart from having just a number, each district is also known by a common name. In this geography profile we will have a closer look at district 11, Doork East.

Located in the northeast part of the Ape society, Doork East is surrounded by four districts. To the north Brotaw (BR), to the northwest Buroont (BU), to the west Gictus (GI) and to the south Fragodd East (FE). It is also worth noting that it is bordering a big blue wall to the east. No Ape, yet, has been able to penetrate the wall. We have no further knowledge on what lies beyond.

Doork East (DE) is ranked as the eight largest in terms of cabins per district. The total amount is 304 land plots divided between 19 chateaus, 50 estates and 235 cottages. The map ranking of these houses according to postcodes goes from Q to Z. The highest ranked chateaus are Q, the highest ranked estates are U and the highest ranked cottages are ranked V.

The DOORK’S MAP

Kingswood Road

Martin Lane

Mornington Road

Mason Court

Holly Hill Avenue

Melendez Way

Victoria Grove

Regent Place

Wright Buildings

South Zam Street

Birkbeck Road

Walnut Street

Sutherland Place

Taylor Avenue

Laurel Road

Warwick Road

Jericho Way

Betton Street

King Avenue

Canmard City Avenue

Brown Avenue

SkyView Avenue

Cahuenga Boulevard

Manor Lane

Franciso Monet & Brent Monet & Ansley Lavigne

Raleigh White

Dagobert de la Cruz & Bolton Wright & Snowden White

Wheeler King

Washington King

Radcliff White • Dempster Ventucci

Fairfax Chiesa

Thatcher Maddock

Geronimo Wright

Théo Edwards

Marlow Amato

Antonio Ventucci & Washington Lavigne & North Monet

Addison, Hamilton de Balboa & Burne de la Cruz

Thatcher de Balboa

Durward Mars

Clair Ventucci

Ford Edwards & Tanner Best & Francisco Baldwin

Bentley Baldwin & Linwood Ventucci & Jorge Best

Florimond Brown & Tye, Thatcher, Kippn Brewster Green

Garfield Ventucci • Brandon Baldwin •Wilfred Thomas & Gabriel Baldwin

Damas De Balboa & Baron Baldwin & Amans Best & Antonio Rich & Rylan de la Cruz • Fairfax Cox

Alex White

Domingo Taylor

Packard de’ Medici & Bede Chiesa & Ochoa Best

Thorpe Cataldi & Rodman García

Privat de’ Medici

Grayson de Balboa

Osmin Baldwin

Justinien Green

Raven Walker

Crépin Wright

Esmond Smith & Jarman King & Sabastian Hill

Kenton Monet & Machin de’ Medici

Rae Maddock & Ruffin Mars

Fleming Ventucci

Agathon de’ Medici

Lucas Baldwin

Élien Evans

Bonaventure Cataldi

Webster de’ Medici

Miller, Charles, Ramiro de’ Medici

Thorpe Brown

Bentley Lavigne

Newman Brown & Thane Wilson & Claudien Taylor

Pell Baldwin

Wheaton Best

Josephin de Balboa

Elmar White

Jorge Ventucci

Brinley Baldwin

Lievin Cataldi

Rochester Hill, Fiacre Rich, Sherman Ford

Hunter Castillo

Milton Mars

Blade Wilson

Voltaire Mars

Crépin Monet

Sanford Ford • Ochoa Ford

Kipp Baldwin & Alfred Baldwin & Snowden Wright • Pell Cox

Colby Mars • Lucas Mars • Rigby Cataldi & Barden Chiesa & Harman Ventucci • Lincoln King • Bronson Green • Dunstan Ford & Estevan Baldwin & Harold Baldwin

Nicolas Walker

Olin Maddock • Tranter Roberts & Marlow Wilson & Simon Best

Alfonso Lavigne • Wyndam Brown

Bonnet Castillo • Francisque Cataldi

Seabert Hill

Blas Maddock

Miguel de Balboa

Landon Baldwin • Digby Monet

Rudyard Lavigne • Thane de la Cruz & Blas Castillo

Machin Cataldi

Marden Taylor

Wesley Taylor & Redford White & Claudien Brown

CREST of Doork East

Authors: Toggen & Upwind Strategy

Illustration: Upwind Strategy

This attractivity has played a major role in creating the history and cultural diversity of Doork East.

Culture

First and foremost, this district is the perfect choice for the lovers of all kinds of arts. The cultural heritage of Doork East is assembled by many renowned collector residents, of which the Doork East Apes are rightly proud. Noble Apes of many other districts chose Doork East as their primary or secondary residency, very often coming with their art.

Excellence of craftsmanship

Doork East’s culture is also famous for the crafts: mainly, clockmaking. The industry of Doork East clocks gained a respectable reputation through the ages. The Doork East Clock Museum shows a vast collection of beautiful timepieces. Although there might be noise coming from the ticking of these clocks, this museum is a relaxing place to visit.

Privacy

Timekeeping is not the only flourishing industry in Doork East. In a world of open data and blockchains, the need for more privacy has seen the emergence of new cooperative solutions that have helped all classes of Apes facilitate their communications in a secure way.

Tailor-made services

Apes have been at the forefront of looking beyond traditional financial products. They are looking for skills going far beyond knowledge linked to a local market. Doorks have historically specialized in discretionary services as a core part of their DNA:

• Craftsman would often come to find very wellpaid jobs in the crafting business.

• Artists would come to Doork East to find an Art Patron or enjoy the inspiration of beautiful nature in the cabin offered rent-free by a Noble.

• Explorers would come to synchronize their maps and plan new expeditions together.

• Merchants could come to make their largest overthe-counter trades.

• Military Officers prepared their biggest coups with their Kings in the beautifully decorated interiors of their cabin in Doork East.

• Royal Advisors could find the best place for their appointments with their King(s) and synchronize their accounting parchments at the local branch of the “Doork East Baank”. They could also secretly meet other Royal Advisors in all secrecy.

• Nobles could find in Doork East land and protection for their preferred artists, a way for them to influence the art and secure the supply from their favorite artists. Doork East being a strong financial center, they would also use it as the best place to provide funding and supplies to the Kings or other visiting notoriety.

• The Kings would keep their most valuable items in the vaults of Doork East, whose walls are considered the most impenetrable in the world.

Heritage of the crest

The crest of Doork East is an expression of the power and prestige of the district and reflects the success of the entire Ape Society.

The keys are a symbol of knowledge and of guardianship deeply rooted in the culture of Doork East. The two keys crossed in saltire are the emblem of an ancient halo Ape who is believed to hold the keys to the gates of heaven, and this emblem shows how important it is for Doorks to aim for peace and prosperity among all Apes, as symbolized by the figure of the Ape above the keys.

In ancient times, it was believed that the flesh of the peacock would not decay. It was therefore used as a symbol of resurrection and immortality. The two peacocks on the crest counterbalance the effect of timekeeping by keeping in mind the immortal nature of The Ape Society.

Doork East can boast with highly preserved and living traditions which have been perpetuated by generations of Apes to the present day. It’s high quality of life, immense cultural diversity, and beautiful natural landscapes make it an extremely appealing destination for all Apes.

The peacocks are the symbol of the Doorks who are searching for meaning, for philosophical and artistic enlightenment. They seek a life lived to the fullest. They seek to leave a legacy for future generations.

The crest is also guarded by a pair of spears, which marks the district’s devotion to honor and chivalry. The spearheads represent the dexterity and nimbleness of wit, and the culture of Doork East Apes to penetrate and understand matters of the highest consequence.

The banners on the spears reference to the early conquest of Doork East by a small army of valiant Military Officers. They were the first to believe the importance of having a neutral land of peace.

Above the Ape is a crown symbolizing the important historical link between Doork East and all the kings, of which King de’ Medici, which awarded special rights to Doork East to operate in the businesses of timekeeping and safekeeping. The feathers in the

crown signify the serenity of mind that kings and all Society enjoys in Doork East. But don’t be fooled, their peace of mind does not prevent them from being boisterous! While the district center near the landmark is well kept and a place of refined living and commerce, the outskirts of the district are known for their unpredictability. The Apes residing here are still proud of their history and customs but are known for embracing their true Ape nature of rowdiness and shenanigans.

At the bottom of the crest is an inscription engraved with the motto of Doork East:

“Always on the right side Of the Map.”

This motto humorously illustrates how committed the Doorks are to building stable relationships and alliances with their neighbors for the common good of The Ape Society.

The

Authors: Toggen & Upwind Strategy

To honor all Apes who reside within the borders of Doork East, King Monet proposed that a badge was to be issued to each Ape living in Doork East. The measure was unanimously adopted. The King’s office remains in charge of issuing and revoking the badges. They may have only an honorary value, but they are very useful when it comes to recognizing a fellow Doork in a large crowd.

The silver plate, to be pinned to the right side of the chest, means not only belonging to the same family, but also, an identification with the distinguished values of Doork East.

The badge is commonly worn in all formal settings and has already become an integral part of local customs, as it can also be found on many objects crafted in the district and sold exclusively in local shops.

Bede Chiesa

Illustration: Upwind Strategy

THORPE’S THOUGHTS - INSIDE THE MIND OF THORPE BROWN -

Author: Thorpe Brown

You wake up one day in your cabin and everything looks the same, yet it feels different. You wonder: How did we end up sleeping in beds? Why do we use the tools we use to eat? Why do we interact with others the way we do? What is work and what purpose does it serve me? All this suddenly reveals that there is a deeper question to be answered: Why is my reality the way it is?

You are waking up to the constructed nature of your reality. Your reality is a construction. This reflection can make our worlds crumble and lose meaning. Waking up from the illusion is not always easy. What is reality? What is all this we call ‘the experience of life’ about? The world around us, our perceptions of it, our likes and wants, or communities and societies, are all constructions, aren’t they? What are we putting ourselves through and what are we living for?

These questions are also incredibly liberating though and can transform our minds; our realities are ours to create.

Where there is chaos, there’s also opportunity. As Nietzsche said, “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star”.

If our realities are constructions, that means that we can de- and re-construct them. We have a say in what gives meaning and value to our experience of life. And when we have meaning, when we have a why, Nietzsche’s wisdom has also something to say “... who has a why to live for can bear almost any how”. When you own and construct your reality, you move forward towards the meaningful life.

Now, we can see our lives as our canvasses, imagination as our painting, and experimentation as our technique.

Military Officers in Doork East

Author: Toggen

We sent out one of our junior Ape journalists to get a better understanding of how our beloved Doork East Military Officers spends their day. Here is an extract from an interview with renowned officer Brinley Baldwin!

The clouds had just lifted, and the sun was finally able to give some much-needed warmth after a stormy night. As I walked along Jericho way, trying to avoid the wet puddles of rain from the night before, I peered across the myriad of cabins and found my way over to Betton Street. I had an appointment with renowned Ape, Brinley Baldwin, at 9AM precisely. Of course, I wanted to be on time so I was trying to navigate the streets as fast as possible.

Further down Betton Street I would soon glimpse what looked like a pile of chairs stacked up outside a modest cabin. Suddenly the chairs tipped violently over, and I could hear some clever profanity being uttered by a tall looking majestic Ape that was now lying flat on his back. I quickly ran over. “Are you ok Sir?”

“Yes! yes! young Ape. It’s the bloody logistics you know. What am I supposed to do with all these chairs? I tell you, the craftsmen in this area are bloody stupid. Instead of making billiard tables and gramophones they only make chairs! I swear, they only do it because the Browns started, and now they all are aping after them. These Apes have no talent! What a mess! Anyway, my name is Brinley Baldwin and you are late. It’s 9.04AM young Ape!!”

Baldwin looked at me with a big grin revealing his signature golden teeth. I immediately was taken a bit back by

Brinley Baldwin. Illustration: Amans Best

his demeanor but regained myself when he presented his hand.

“I am very sorry” I said as I shook his hand back!

“No worry young Ape. I was having trouble with these blasted chairs from last night’s raiding anyway. You see, we are now forced to stack them outside as the cabin is filled to the ceiling with chairs from raids last week. It’s all very frustrating, you know. The transport from Blab and Canmard City is stuck in the mud and we are stuck with the chairs! I tell you, if they are not coming soon, we probably will have to make some kind of burning mechanism to get rid of them. More chairs are being looted every night”

“Wouldn’t it make sense to stop the looting of chairs for a while then?”

“AaHahaHah” Brinley almost choked on his gold teeth as he burst out in laughter.

“Young Ape, don’t be foolish! We are military officers, it’s our job to keep the crime going in this place. By royal decree from Edward De’Medici himself we are obliged to loot 10% of all the items manufactured by the craftsmen. In return we make sure that no one else is allowed to steal.”

“I see, and what happens if someone else tries it?” “Have you heard of the Johnsen family, young Ape?”

“Johnsen family. No Sir, I can’t say that it rings a bell”

“There is your answer right there! No one has heard of the Johnsen family because the military officers took care of business. I mean, if everybody could just go about stealing bubblegum and mailboxes, where would that leave us? I’ll tell you young Ape, we would have chaos! That’s what would happen. As it is now all Apes are happy. The craftsmen will know that 10% of their wares will be looted and they have a receipt to prove it. If we let anyone loot, who knows how much they would take, maybe 20%, maybe even 50%! I dread to think of it! Now we have predictability and order. Any you have us military officers to thank for it”

“Now that is quite impressive, I must say. Changing subjects, why did you move to Doork East, and what makes this place good to live?”

By now it seemed Brinley was a bit more relaxed. He pulled up one of the many chairs and casually slumped down as he took off his spinner hat!

“Ah young Ape, Doork East is the place to be. All Apes here are like family. It’s clean, the air is fresh, the streets are free of donkey droppings and almost no cabin is empty! You see, it seems all the most devoted and clever Apes are moving to Doork East. We also have a great working relationship with the other officers here. I cover all the looting from Manor Lane to Jericho way, Ralph Wright covers the turf up till Wright buildings and Geronimo Wright is in charge all the way up to Kingswood road. You can often see Ralph and Geronimo patrol the streets smoking their pipes. I can’t smoke pipe as it makes my gold teeth go gray!”

“It sounds like you like Doork East very much, but there must be some negatives about this place as well?”

“You know, no place is perfect! Lately it seems the cabin prices are going up very fast! I tell you, if it continues like this normal Apes will no longer be able to afford a place to live here, that’s a real shame! I think it would be wise to move here fast or they could be stuck in Gocon City or Fort Craras or somewhere else with too many loud Apes!”

Brinley sights and leans back in his chair.

“There is another problem you know. This gang of Green Apes have been roaming the streets. I am sure they are up to no good as they broke out of prison in Yocalt! They are known as the Gruesome Greens, there are four of them and I know they are hiding out in a cabin somewhere in Doork East. So far, they have not stolen anything, but the military officers from other districts are making faces at us for not being able to find them. It needs to stop. We are on high alert young Ape!”

After the last question Brinley was jumping from his chair making all kinds of Ape noises and without warning proceeded to climb up on the cabin roof and stuck his head down the chimney. At this point I figured that it would be difficult to get anything more productive out of him. Seeing that the interview most likely had ended, I strolled away happily and enjoyed the now sunny view of cabins and estates on Betton Street. Praised be the military officers of Doork East for making the streets safe.

DOORK EAST REAL ESTATE UPDATE

Author: Toggen

Osmin Baldwin, Military Officer and part time real estate broker will cover the latest news on markets in Doork East.

Mr. Baldwin is known for his aggressive sales techniques and business acumen and has thrived in the industry for years. As the go to guy for all news related to sales and markets we needed to sit down to understand more of where this exciting business is headed.

“Mr. Baldwin, first of all, it would be good to know why you chose to become a real estate broker. As a military officer surely, you have enough on your plate and can make a decent living?”

“Yes, the life of a military officer is good, but you need to see opportunities when they present themselves. Think of it this way: the military officers oversee law and order in the district. Real estate brokers have always had a shady reputation and are generally not to be trusted. So, the obvious answer was to travel to all the licensed brokers in the district and warn them of the dangers of spontaneous combustion. That sort of thing does wonders for their motivation!”

“So, you basically told all the brokers that you would light them on fire if they did not stop? That sounds horrible!”

“Look, I did no such thing! I just told them that Apes have the potential to become overheated and catch fire. If anything, I did them a favor as a fellow Ape and informed them of the importance of regular cool downs. It’s not my fault that they suddenly stopped brokering homes. Anyway, at that point someone needed to step up and take their place, so who better than the good old, trusted, Military officers?”

“I see, but you’re the only military officer who is brokering cabins. Why are there not more officers doing the same?”

“Well, after all the brokers suddenly quit, I suggested to the mayor that he should issue broker licenses to all the military officers in Doork East. He thought that was a great idea and issued the licenses the same day. He left me in charge of the distribution. It was very unfortunate that all of them except mine were eaten by Goats before they got handed out. That is why it now falls to me to manage this market, but I would wager that I’m the best qualified Ape anyway. Just look at how we are doing!”

“Speaking of that, how is the Doork East real estate market, and where do you see it heading?”

“Hahaha, business is booming. It has never been this easy to move people here. I mean, Doork East is a great place to live, but you sometimes need to give Apes some extra enticements to come over!”

“What do you mean? Like advertisement posters in other districts, discounts on cabins and such?”

“By the Gods no! Don’t be silly, those sorts of things don’t work. You need real reasons to move. For instance, it was a huge shame about the termite infestation in Fraggod East. Several Apes moved across the border shortly after, and now all the area from Manor Lane to Canmard City Avenue is almost completely sold out. We are thinking of doing similar campaigns in Gictus and Brotaw to get even more Apes over.”

“There still seems to be quite a lot of land plots for sale near the Brotaw border though. Why do you think that is?”

“Those bastards from Brotaw keep sending over their Donkeys and Horses in the night to defecate in the main well at Kingswood Road, but we have a plan to get them

back. Soon the residents of South Brokaw will find an anonymous letter in their mailbox where it says, “Dear Ape! Please move to Doork East.” It will also have a skull and crossbones on the envelope. Let’s see where that takes us.”

“Any other tricks you have up your sleeve to close the deals on potential sales?”

“Always bring the contract with you when you show Apes a cabin! Say that the common showing brings three Apes. I then put the contact in the middle of the room. Once the Apes are inside I like to block the exit, draw my sword and yell: “WHO IS BUYING THIS CABIN!!!” usually one of the apes will sign immediately.”

“You are threatening to murder them if they don’t buy?”

“No, no. That’s just salesmanship. I just ask them who will buy it. It’s not my fault if they perceive the situation differently. Usually, they are even motivated to pay 5% more than the ask price. It’s win/win situation for all.”

“Buy the sound of it, it seems you have it all under control. Is there anything that worries you about the housing market in Doork East?”

“The only problem is that we will soon run out of properties. You know, there are now only 13 properties for sale in all Doork East, and we are the most popular district around! If we continue to be this successful, we might run out of properties to sell. People better be smart and buy if they want to live here. They can rely on top service by Osmin Baldwin. I never had a complaint after a sale”.

And there you have it. This month’s real estate update from Osmin Baldwin. We will try to get more of Mr. Baldwin’s views in the next edition of DE Magazine.

Osmin Baldwin & Raven Walker. Illustration: Amans Best

DOORK EAST HAVING A BALL

Author: Amans Best

Sending invitations

EXTERIOR EARLY EVENING -

High up on Sky View Avenue, District 11 Doork East. Green expanse between the neighboring cottages. The sunlight is starting to fade. In the distance you see the glow from the cabins in the western districts as the Apes are starting to settle down for the evening. Here in Doork East the air is electric. There’s an organized commotion, a certain chaos that appears to ebb and flow like the synchronized mechanical pistons of a well-oiled machine. The air is still warm and the wind is starting to pick up which seems to be agitating some of the Apes.

CLAY NATION #0971

“Am I the first Clay to set foot in Doork East, for that matter any district in the Kingdom?”

AN APE

“I believe that is correct Miss. All NFTs are welcome in the Ape Society Kingdom. You’re just one of the first to be invited to an event where you can actively participate. Most visiting NFTs have to reside in the rather lovely frames in a quaint cabin, comfortable estate or if you’re lucky, a luxurious Chateau”

INTERIOR -

Desk top computer screen, in some far off unusual nonApe habitat.

A notification appears on an application called a desktop wallet extension. The mouse cursor scrolls over it and you hear a ‘click’. The words - WL invite - with a note attached which reads:

Dear Clay, We Doorks of Doork East, cordially request your presence to witness the launching of the first Biannual Doork East Ballroom Dance. We are reaching out far and wide to allow others to come and experience everything we have to offer here in the Doork East District 11 of the Ape Society Kingdom.

CLAY.

“At first glance I thought it wouldn’t interest me, but this felt like too rare an opportunity to pass up” APE.

“You’re right Miss, this event will be remembered not only across the entire Ape kingdom but all the visiting guests will be able to report back to where they came from. You see we Doorks are keen to show everyone what we’re capable of. And tonight we’re getting the ball rolling, if you’ll excuse the pun.”

A joyful gang arrives

EXTERIOR - Sky Avenue.

At the foot of a large wooden A-frame ladder. There’s a Havoc, number #557. Queuing behind him are two neon Disco Solaris and in front on the ladder itself are two small but angry looking Puuurrty Cats and a rather pushy cat who describes himself as a Boss Cat. At the very top of the ladder there is this rather cool looking Ape in a full suit of armor and white slatted sunshades. His role is to assist the visiting guests into the event through the door of a giant circling sphere.

Each and every time the door comes rolling round, he tenses up and shoves the next guest in.

EXTERIOR - on the edge of the green. The CLAY moves onto another Ape and start talking. In front of them this giant circling wooden sphere, somehow, keeps rotating around so that after each complete cycle the only doorway ends up in perfect alignment with the top of the A frame ladder.

BRINLEY BALDWIN

“Sphere, it’s just a posh name for Ball’’ Do they teach you absolutely nothing where you come from? What on earth were you expecting, a square room for a ‘Ballroom’ dance’, don’t make me laugh”

Brinley - Looks agitated, he’s starring at the Clay with an intense look, as though his eyes have formed x-Ray powers and are starring right through her skull just to see if there was anything there. He is an unusual character, a strong, stern authoritarian, dressed in a smart brown suit. He has a dazzling set of gold teeth and an almost childish multicolored hat with a little spinning dial on top. The breeze picked up and the small dial began to spin. Brinley looked up, wet a finger, and held it aloft, then cries out.

BRINLEY

“Get a bloody move on Damas, sorry for my indiscretion miss,” he nods towards the clay, “if this wind picks up, we won’t be able to load all our guests. Stop flirting with the guests Damas and get working!”

CLAY

“When I received the message inviting me to attend this Ballroom dance, there was a note attached with a beautiful painting of a geodesic sphere, it had all sorts of mathematics and sub notes. One of which described the flooring inside as a never-ending sea of brown walnut, varnished with 16 coats of tobacco varnish. Is this true?”

BRINLEY

“Well that’s not strictly true Miss, but don’t let a bit of creativity with the numbers put you off. You see we need some of the tobacco for the cigars the brass band have ordered. Bloody fussy these musicians. They send a note in advance called a rider. Have you heard of such a thing Miss?”

The clay shakes her head. No.

BRINLEY

“Bleeding artists, the damn lot of them. They want breaks every forty five minutes and at midnight just as we’re planning the flame throwing competition. The have a longer rest break and have asked for.

Brinley pulls out a list and begins to read.

“Two-Doork-dozen bananas, that’s twenty two, four bottles of dark rum, a bucket of crushed ice, one liter of Ape-soft hand sanitizer, three room temperature blankets and fifteen of the finest cigars our merchants can get their hands on.

Well we couldn’t quite amass fifteen so we soaked some of the papers from old County disputes courtesy of the town council. We soaked these papers in the floor tobacco varnish and rolled the brown stained papers into home fashioned cigars. We don’t think they’ll realize which is why we negotiated the cigar break at midnight. Hopefully they’ll be too God dammed pissed to know what they’re smoking. Have you ever heard of such nonsense as room temperature blankets?

I mean when has an indoor blanket ever been anything but room temperature, I just...”

Sanford Ford

Illustration: Amans Best

The Clay spots another Ape walking across the green and she turns to Brinley and cuts across him talking.

CLAY

“I’m so sorry to cut you off but I think that’s Brandon Taylor over there. He’s the craftsman who messaged me. Please do excuse me officer.

Brinley looks relieved that he no longer has to speak to the strange Clay Nation and calls after her,.

BRINLEY

“On your way dear,”

EXTERIOR -Edge of the green. The Clay Nation runs towards an Ape who has a VR headset covering his eyes and who’s fur is flowing freely in the breeze.

CLAY

“Brandon, excuse me, it is Brandon, isn’t it?”.

BRANDON TAYLOR

“Yes Miss, I’m pleased you could make it here, it’s very kind of you to attend.”

CLAY.

“Tell me why did you and the other Craftsmen…”

Brandon cuts her off. He seems agitated. “We’re not Craftsmen!”

Brandon realizes from the Clays reaction he’s coming across aggressive . So he takes a deep breathe and his shoulders relax, he says.

“Miss please remember where you are, you’re in Doork East and you won’t find a single craftsman here,’ he said with a cheeky grimace. “You will only find Master Craftsmen in Doork East, if you need a craftsman I’d look to our neighboring districts. Here we are Doorks and only the finest craftsmen have chosen to make Doork East our home. We craft the finest home accessories by day and in our spare time we have been constructing this. The largest ‘Ballroom’ dance hall in the whole of the Kingdom. I challenge you to find anything as grand as this and anywhere else”.

EXTERIOR - At the very top of the A-frame ladder. Damas thrusts the two Puurrty cats through the opening and the ball twists off on its now larger circle.

Damas begins to address the next in line on the Ladder which happens to be Havoc #557

“What are you then? You one of those hissy Boss Cats? Well don’t even think about hissing at me or I’ll…”

He pauses his ears almost visibly prick up.

Damas Bellows

“Hei, Dai, Uvavoo”

He turns and grabs firmly onto the Havocs shoulder and shoves him through the door.

INTERIOR OF THE SPHERE - Large dark concave wooden walls all lead steeply down towards a group of what appears to be dark silhouettes of line dancing Apes.

Damas’ loud voice echos into the room.

“See you at the end ‘Hissy, Man Cat’, do as you’re told and GET INVOLVED!”

EXTERIOR - Brandon is explaining the evening to the Clay.

BRANDON

“A ballroom dance in anything other than a ball is just a dance and who would want to go to that.”

The Clay nods in agreement with a slightly puzzled look.

CLAY

“What’s it like in there, do you not get sick?’

Brandon’s body language and mannerisms shows he’s starting to warm to the Clay.

BRANDON

“That really depends how much you have to drink. Do you like to drink Miss?”

The Clay smiles politely and bashfully nods her head.

CLAY

“Tell me how it works, have you done this before?”

BRANDON - With a scrunched up, confused look answers.

“Well, how do all dances work? We send out the invites, those who are interested turn up, we load everyone safely

into the ball, they dance, they drink, they eat.

BRANDON - is visibly getting more excited now. He continues

“Ooh this year Sanford Ford, the funny ape with the rainbow Jacket, agreed to provide seafood canapés. He has enlisted the help of some of the roller-skating Disco Solaris to help serve them from scalloped shaped trays. We Doorks love seafood canapes, do you Miss, do you?”

CLAY - You can tell from her expression she doesn’t like seafood but politely smiles, clearly not wanting to offend. She quickly changes the subject.

“I see there’s only one door and no windows....”

Suddenly all the Apes, that are still outside the Ball, start making this loud unified screeching noise.

BRANDON - Excitedly cries out.

“This is it! Please excuse me Miss.”

He turns and bounds off screaming and jumping just like the other apes as they all drop whatever it is they are doing and dash towards the giant sphere.

The giant sphere At the bar

INTERIOR - Point Of View of Havoc #557Far bellow through his feet you see about 40 apes stood in rows, 5 wide and 8 deep. He is sliding faster and faster down the dark concave walls on a collision course with the feet of the Dancing Apes. The sensation is that of a ten-pin bowling ball hurtling straight for a strike, an Ape strike.

The Apes in an absolute synchronized motion see the inevitable and impending collision. They take one large, synchronized gulp and sigh as they all stepped left, forwards, then left again. Fortunately, this action has somehow moved the weight of the circling sphere which in turn has moved the Havoc onto a new trajectory and he misses the Apes by an arm’s length. Just then an arm reached out and an incredibly strong Ape hand grabs the Havocs right arm. He is flung into the air and lands solid and still on both feet.

THE NEAREST DANCING APE

“Good evening, Sir! Don’t stand still, follow the dance, it’s simple, the brass band is straight ahead, strictly no requests until we’ve finished loading. Canapes will come to you, just raise an arm, drinks are to the right, hold out your empty glass it will be replaced for you. GODDAMIT don’t stand still this is a ballroom dance, so dance!”

The Havoc looks utterly bemused and realized if he doesn’t move soon the line dancing Apes will dance straight through him. The Apes are performing this rhythmic almost hypnotic dance that is somehow keeping the giant sphere circling around so the door repeatedly comes within striking distance of the top of the A-Frame ladder but never topples it. Just then...

ALL THE LINE DANCING APES SCREAM IN UNISON.

“BEAR!!! Der, dum, dai, hai, UVAVOO”

A large ice white Polar OG Bear is sliding down the wall straight towards the Havoc. An ape from the formation leans towards the Havoc.

DANCING APE

“My dear sir why don’t you go grab yourself a drink and get yourself out of harm’s way.”

The Ape shoulder barges the Havoc and he finds himself trekking slightly uphill towards what looks like a bar.

INTERIOR - BAR ON A STEEP INCLINE. You can vaguely make out a small group of excited apes stood shuffling near the bar talking about the evenings events.

BAR APE 1

“No, I’m not fussed about that you daft Ape fire eating is just like eating in Wetherby’s cafe, only that fire stays with you all the way through to the other side. No, I’m not interested in the fire eating at all, or the chocolate fountain or any of that other nonsense. That’s just here to entertain the non Apes amongst us tonight.”

BAR

APE 2

“Why are all these strangers here anyway? I don’t like the look of some of them. I wish the craftsmen had allowed the dance blanket to be laid to protect the flooring. I’ve had to source all this walnut wood from every corner of the kingdom. I digress. If they’d allowed the dance blanket when the ‘guests’ all start dancing on it. I could’ve pulled it away from underneath them a bit like that game we played at merchants’ college. We could quite literally pull the rug from beneath their feet and watch as they all tumble and fall. It would be truly delightful.”

BAR APE 1

“Truly delightful, yes! But too glaringly obvious what had just happened. Would you want to be stuck in this contraption with a swarm of angry bears, cats and the like. NO! The answer is AXE throwing. The Military Officers have provided us a Doork-dozen, weapon sharp, axes for the axe throwing competition which will be taking place just after the fire eating at midnight. We wonderful Apes will put on our infamous Axe throwing demonstration then the guests will be invited up to imitate what they have just seen. It’ll be truly delightful, they’ll decimate themselves and we can dance back and enjoy the view. LOOK SHARP there’s one of those sour faced Havocs coming our way.”

BAR APE 3 - Laughing

“Look sharp!! I get it, I get it. Good evening Havoc welcome to the ‘Terror Dome’. Can I say how SHARP you are looking this evening.

All BAR APES - Chuckle

In the village

EXTERIOR - Village green.

The apes are jumping up and down and start to form an Ape pyramid, still chanting louder and louder. One Ape climbs on top of the others. A very nonchalant Sanford Ford moves effortlessly towards the top of the Ape pyramid. The sphere swings around gently striking the edge of the ape tower causing them all to tumble. Sanford takes one small step forward as the ape pyramid crumbles below him. He stands proud, in the doorway as the sphere lunges towards the top of the hill. The doorway facing the steep decline.

SANFORD FORD calls out.

“Those on-board, boogie, those not on board be bored! I bid you a farewell and good night. I do hope we meet again.”

With the weight of Sanford high on one side of the Sphere. The door lunges towards the top of a steep hill. Sanford jumps off his high vantage point and lands heavy on his feet. He stands as cool as a cucumber in the middle of the road. The Sphere looming down on him.

BRINLEY - Shouts from the safety of the curb. “Sanford you bloody idiot, Stop SHOWBOATING!”

Just then the sphere appeared to swallow him hole as it started off down the hill. When the sphere rolled on further it’s obvious that Sanford has stood exactly where the doorway would strike, meaning the ball had simply passed over his head.

THE REMAING APES ON THE STREETS ALL LET OUT A CHEER.

“Hooray!”

Sanford, egged on by the crowds reaction, effortlessly reaches out and arm and grabs hold of the edge of the door frame. He’s whisked off of his feet, high into the air where, just like an ape gymnast he does a double somersault and disappears back in through the doorway and with that the door slams shut.

From the vantage point of the Clay at the top of the hill. We see the ball wobble like it has struck an obstacle in the road.

BRINLEY - Angrily exclaims.

“Bloody Idiot! He just can’t bleeding help himself, one day that apes going end his own existence”

Brinley turns to the Clay who was stood close by and witnessed the full displeasure of Brinley’s out burst.

BRINLEY

“Miss please do excuse me, with the majority of the Doorks in that contraption I must run a few errands.”

Brinley gives what can only be described as a mischievous smile and heads off into the night.

DAMAS DE BALBOA

“Excuse me Miss”

CLAY

“Yes?”

DAMAS

“Please follow me, we need to head the sphere off at Jericho way, so as not to spill into damn Fraggod. We explorers are the experts on the geography of D11 and we’ve been tasked with ensuring the ball doesn’t venture into the neighboring districts. This would not go down well and could cause all sorts of tensions and infighting.”

INTERIOR - The door slams shut and some incredible lighting comes on, it emanates outwards from a central point with the motion of fast flowing molten gold. The fingers of glowing wire mesh follow the lines of the walnut flooring 360 degrees out from the central starting point. Suddenly this rather flamboyant ape in a flashy Rainbow jacket come sliding down the wall almost like he was surfing barefoot on the immaculate walnut flooring. He looked cool as ice in his fluorescing multicolored jacket whilst chewing a single strand of wheat.

Sanford FORD - Screams at the top of his voice. “To be continued!”

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Author: Toggen

Half price off cigars. Some joker mixed a batch of regular cigars with exploding cigars. Most likely, 1 out of 3 will explode when lit, but we can’t figure out which ones! Great price if you don’t mind a bang. Visit us at “Apes finest” at Warwick Road for explosive prices.

Be careful when driving at Regent place. Rumors have it that some unknown Ape has buried his Diamond Grillz there. More than 20 Apes have been seen digging random holes in the middle of the street. Local military officers have been quoted. “This is an outrage. The mayor needs to stop this madness!” We tried to get a comment from the mayor’s office, but unfortunately the mayor had already left the office carrying a shovel.

Flying Donkeys have been observed near Martin Lane 2 days in a row. One Ape was surprised no one had reported it missing since this probably was a super rare trait. On closer inspection nearby, several empty bottles of Absinth were found.

Plea from the Doork East gravedigger: “Please stop selling pipe tobacco to the local Zombie Apes. They can’t stomach the stuff and use the graveyard as an outhouse every night. I am tired of cleaning up their mess!”

Calling all available Craftsmen in Doork East!

Lightning struck at the Robot Ape’s annual Morris dancing fair at Victoria Grove this weekend. Unfortunately, all the Robot Apes were holding the flagpole at the time of the incident, and they are now all short circuited. The organizer commented “We only charged 3 $Society for entry, and now the Robot Apes are just crawling around shouting for refunds and free bananas! I really hope some craftsmen can help us out fast, or we’ll go bankrupt within days”

Expect delays when traveling from Manor Lane due south to Fraggod East. The Fraggods have sold sombreros and harmonicas for half price all week. Congestion on both sides of the border remains quite heavy. Some Apes have attempted to build a giant slingshot for hurling Apes across the border though. If you are in a hurry, you might consider this option. Do so at your own risk!

Doork East resident explorer

Damas De Balboa has been seen standing on a pile of boxes on the square at Sutherland Place for a couple of days shouting to all Apes passing by. “We need clarity on what lies east of East Doork” He has uttered. “When I try to explore areas to the east, I just bump into an invisible blue wall. This does not make any sense! Someone in

charge needs to give us an explanation. How will we explorers make a living if we keep bumping into things?”

Taylor Avenue Artist association is looking to buy a reasonably priced pipe organ, preferably studded with steel plates. After we changed our rehearsal times from 8PM till 2AM our old organ inexplicably had bullet holes and bite marks in it when we came back the next day, and is now out of commission.

Announcement from Walnut Street welfare committee: Whoever is putting marbles in pies cooling off in the windows. Stop it at once, it’s not funny! This is the 3rd time it has happened in a week. We are soon forced to call the Military Officers for help. Two Apes have already needed gold tooth replacement and another Ape swallowed ten of them. The poor thing is still sitting in the outhouse, as only eight have come out again.

APE REVIEWS

Author: Tranter Roberts

I would like to impress upon any fellow hungry ape considering refreshment here that it mixes food fit for a Noble with traditional homemade cooking. That it somehow manages to achieve the impossible and craft mouth-watering dishes from the tiny ramshackle kitchen. That the service reaches levels of strategic planning and execution only the Military Officers would recognise. That it is the quintessential, latest, must-see addition to Doork East’s proud collection of fine-dining.

I would ‘like’ to do that...but I can’t.

I don’t know whether it was the broken, stained ceiling tiles, the tired, tiny wooden tables, the dirty walls or the rickety chairs and wobbly staircase. Maybe it was the shocking levels of service. Quite frankly we were treated like animals. We waited for well over an hour for our drinks whilst the bar staff monkeyed around. When the food arrived they had mixed up our oder which went to some nervous looking merchants sat near the window. Our complaints fell on deaf ears.

We made good our escape and paid someone to let us out of the front door. We can only hope that those we left behind, later managed to find safe passage out, possibly when the guard’s backs were turned by means of some distraction.

The cheapest possible food at the highest possible prices. Avoid Avoid Avoid.

Image credit: banana

NEFARIOUS ALIEN ACTIVITY IN DISTRICT 11?

Author: Toggen

Several residents at Melendez way and Mason court have reported strange lights and sounds coming from the secluded properties of Holly Hill Avenue for several weeks now. After the sun has set, flashes of light and eerie sounds seem to emanate from random spots all around the area. Apes are increasingly becoming scared of venturing outside during nighttime and even dogs and cats seem reluctant to approach. What is going on? Are the aliens behind this, or is the water supply yet again being messed with by the Brotaw Apes? We have decided to get to the bottom of this and sent out two reporters to investigate.

The banana stands were being moved from the curb back into the stores and the local military officers were loading the day’s last looted chair on the back of their wagons. As the sun was setting on Melendez way, we were on our way to investigate the strange occurrences taking place in the area. As the lights went out in most shops, we noticed that one vendor was still standing in the street and his stall seemed to be open for business. We approached the vendor and introduced ourselves and our task.

“Marlow Amato here! The Ape said as he straightened his spectacles. “You know, all the Apes in this district are craven jellyfish! A little bit of noise and some lights on the sky and they all run to hide in their cottages. It’s bad for business I tell you. Just look at the state of things. The only Apes that come out after dark to acquire wares these days are the ones that are desperately out of Whisky! If this doesn’t end soon I am forced to close early as well.”

The merchant Ape looked agitated but did not seem particularly afraid of the aliens.

“Are you not afraid that the aliens will come out and beam you up or steal your organs and such?”

“Nonsense! I know who is doing it, you know. It’s that Brown Ape over in the Chateau on Holly Hill. He used to come around here to shop in my

store. As you can see from the storefront, I sell “All Accessories”. Now he thought that meant I have everything. Came asking for anti-matter quark splitters and element 115 gyro stabilizers. I am a simple Ape selling simple things, so I told him to sod off. Haven’t seen him since. Tell you what, why don’t you go up and talk to him? Maybe you can get him to stop whatever it is he is doing!”

The Chateau was located some way away from the other cabins. As we approached, it was clear that the reports of strange lights were true. The entirety of the building was glowing and pulsing in a kaleidoscope of different colors. Mustering further courage, we continued to the front gate and knocked hard on the door. To our surprise this triggered a rather large explosion somewhere in the house and instantly eradicated the surrounding lights. Footsteps came next, and the door was torn open.

“What do you want?” An obviously irate Alien Ape stood in front of us. “Don’t you know that knocking on a copper plate during electric strain testing of neutron vibrators will cause a collapse of the magnetic balance of the electrons? I mean, that is obvious isn’t it?”

“We are very sorry for that, we didn’t know! Look, we were just coming here to ask you a few questions. The local residents are scared by all the

commotion up here. What do you have to say Sir?”

“Well, they have nothing to be afraid of, quite the contrary. I am just experimenting on a new and more efficient way to make soup! This will surely benefit all the Apes in the neighborhood, won’t you agree? Soup made in half the time with twice the taste, what’s not to like?”

“With respect, Sir, that doesn’t sound very plausible. We were just visiting with merchant Marlow Amato, and he claimed that you asked about element 115 gyro stabilizers. Surely, whatever that is, it can’t be needed for soup making?”

“Ah, you don’t understand! You see, it has been discovered by the Alien council that Doork East has a super conductive layer of dirt just beneath the topsoil. It is quite arcane knowledge, but it has to do with soup. I just need a little more time. I’ll tell you what. If you come back here in four weeks’ time I’ll give you the soup recipe. You can also tell the residents to stop hiding in the night, nothing secret is going on here. I now bid you farewell!”

After this the alien shut the door and we were left outside with more questions than answers. Clearly this alien was hiding things, but what could it be? In any case it seems we’ll revisit Holly Hill in four weeks for an epic soup recipe. Maybe we will learn more of what they are really planning?

What is it like to live in Doork East compared to the central districts in the Ape Society?

Author: Toggen

DE Magazine recently took to twitter to find out what Apes from central districts fancied, the busier urban life or the tranquil and easy-going life of the rural areas. Naturally it took some preparations prior to releasing this poll.

We are proud to say that we sent our resident military officer and real estate broker Osmin Baldwin on an all-expenses paid 3-day vacation to each of the central districts just prior to the poll (Gocon City, Tasama City, Canmard City).

All available military officers of Doork East were also sent to the border of Brotaw with extra ammunition a few days before the voting started. The merchants of the districts were also ordered to give out free samples of beer and cigars for two whole days prior to voting. Some might say it was somewhat unfortunate that a series of incidents plagued our biggest cities just before the voting could start.

It seems someone had filled the central sewage junction of Gocon City with concrete, making all the main streets overflow with foul smelling garbage water. Meanwhile in Tasama City someone had mixed tranquilizers in the feedstock of all the horses and donkeys in town. They were all extra sluggish for days and caused terrible havoc in traffic. Even worse offenses were seen in Canmard city where a group of goons had stolen the entire supply of bananas.

The residents were unable to source as much as a peel for days causing several cases of acute abstinence and anxiety.

Illustration: Thorpe Brown

In Doork east the entire population seemed to have an unusually merry time for days leading up to the poll.

Singing, drinking, cheering and general glee were heard across the district from Manor Lane to Kingswood Road. Not one Brotaw resident was seen in the area and somehow the worst garbage problem had even been swept over the northern border.

When all the votes of the poll were counted, it was surprising to see that an overwhelming majority seemed to prefer living in Doork East as compared to any of the big cities.

A whopping 68% of the votes favored Doork East. We knew that our dear district 11 was a beautiful, calm and wonderful place to reside, but we had no idea that even the sophisticated Apes of our top cities would agree with our assessment.

On a totally unrelated note, Osmin Baldwin returned to Doork East two days after the poll. To the surprise of the DE magazine editors, he was bringing along with him 15 donkey carts full of bananas. He said he found them abandoned on the roadside and figured he would bring them back for the Doorkians to feast on.

For his generous contribution to the community, Mr. Baldwin was awarded a medal from the mayor’s office. “Upstanding Ape of Doork East”.

A selection of our most distinguished Apes

The WHO’S WHO of Doork East

Tranter Roberts

Craftsman • 112 Brown Avenue, DE100 Y64

T : @72raKW

Tranter is always the first to volunteer and will have a go at anything. By his own admission he’s not very good at most things but will always get top marks for effort. There’s never a time he’s not fixing something or tearing something else apart. His cabin is piled high with items awaiting repair. He loves Jazz and plays the saxophone in his spare time, which sadly is in short supply.

Gabriel Baldwin

Military Officer • 123 Melendez Way, DE101 Z79

T : @ADALoc8or

Guardian of the fringes of The Ape Society in the East. Protector of freedom while enjoying the sounds of classic jazz.

Fairfax Cox

Artist • 48 Victoria Grove, DE93 Y78

T : @b1das199

When he turned 18, he gave himself a present that would stay with him for rest of his life. The present was golden teeth that he dreamt of ever since he was young. Over time he climbed the ladder in the gang and managed to abandon criminal life with substantial wealth. He decided to move from New York to England in order to avoid his past hunting him back. Now he enjoys afternoon cup of tea in the presence of other members of All England Club.

Damas de Balboa

Explorer • 37 Victoria Grove, DE92 Y78

T : @bradleydrawn

Damas loves to shine. An Explorer by class but ultimately he’s an attention seeker. He’s a blager and believes his armour raises his class higher than it actually is. He’ll chance his luck and can frequently be found trying to pass himself off as a Royal Advisor, Military Officer and even a Noble! He will never be seen without his EarPods and is currently the Doork East District ‘Poppin & Clanking’ dance champion.

Crépin Monet

Royal Advisor • 81 Warwick Road, DE97 Y69

T : @CardanoShield

A highly successful and influential member of the Monet family. Prefers to lives a secluded life in his humble cottage in Doork East, away from the fast-paced life of the city center.

Military Officer • 104 Melendez Way, DE99 Z79

T : @CnftMcfly

High Sheriff of the Doork East Forrest - swore an Oath to the King to capture all outlaw Apes who poach Deer on his land or threaten the safety of trade routes within the Shire.

Military Officer • 71 Mason Court, DE93 Y81

T : @JimenezPetroche

Retired Military Officer, suffering from a severe case of PTSD after the war. But actually still missing it, Bentley now fights ne wars together with his brother in arms, Linwood Ventucci, against the unknown, the mysteries against the government, against the mysterious Ape with no name (known as others by the name “Moriarty”).

Craftsman • 110 King Avenue, DE99 S66

T : @KindCryptoDuder

Bronson began writing at an early age and developed a love of science fiction shortly there after. Dedicating his life to become a master craftsman and adding the great Green name. Still working as a craftsman, Bronson is also working on his first Sci-fi novel, following a lifetime pursuit and loving every second of it.

Merchant • 125 Walnut Street, DE101 Z73

T : @NestaKamachi

A street smart Merchant knowing how to maneuver through all the layers within the Society, lives in Doork East to remember where he came from. Sometimes he goes ghetto on apes who push his triggers. His interests are pretty diverse, often he surprises other apes with his remarks.

Royal Advisor • 9 Sky View Avenue, DE89 Q63

T : @NFTsDark

Wiseman of Doork East. Age unknown, Alfonso the Wise has seen the rise and fall of countless Kings and Empires.

Craftsman • 29 Kingswood Road, DE88 Z84

T : @Plueondee

Slow life ape with his favorite canabis cigar. He loves to sing and enjoy his family. His real job is a computer programmer and he loves crafting on the free time.

Brandon Baldwin

Bentley Baldwin

Bronson Green

Bonaventure Cataldi

Alfonso Lavigne

Raleigh White

Artist • 96 Warwick Road, DE98 Y69

T : @Sanford__Ford

The year was 1857, 1932, 2003 and 2092. The date was July 58th, the day his Grandfather, Mother, Nephew and weird future Cyborg Uncle all entered a time machine and ended up at the same Walmart, in the ham and bean isle. They all looked at each other for exactly 13 minutes and then decided to all fuse together to form the abomination you know today as Sanford Ford. Now he mostly just sit on the toilet and let the robot children roll around on the ground.

Thorpe Brown

Craftsman • 69 Taylor Avenue, DE95 Y71

T : Thorpe Brown

Once upon a time, while performing his craftsman duties, he had a revelation: Nothing has meaning in itself, or does it? He woke up from the illusion. What is reality? What is all about? He wondered… So he decided to withdraw from his everyday life to a remote cabin; He turned into philosophy and now reflects daily on his journey of de- and re-constructing reality, perception and illusion, meaning and value, and more broadly, life.

Antonio Ventucci

Merchant • 41 Mason Court, DE90 Y81

T : @SpaceWave112358

He’s the quiet type. Or is he? Only his close friends in Doork East know for sure. All others should probably tread lightly. He keeps his friends close and the de’ Medicis keep him even closer.

Rudyard Lavigne

Royal Advisor • 8 Manor Lane, DE89 U61

T : @theWilsonApe

A scrap of paper preserved in his pocket says “to my beloved Rudyard Emerson Lavigne”. This is all he has known since waking up and escaping from his earthly tomb. Then there are the vivid dreams are they memories?

Florimond Brown

Craftsman • 110 Holly Hill Avenue, DE99 W80

T : @toggen10

Florimond Brown lives a secluded life in his Chateau. Nobody really knows what goes on behind the closed doors. Florimond can sometimes be seen in the merchant district looking for rare metals, but he rarely engages with the other Apes. Speculations is that he is planning to make some sort of doomsday device to obtain dominion over all the Apes in The Ape Society, but Florimond himself is adamant that is is only researching powerful soup recipes!

Théo Edwards

Craftsman • 96 Martin Lane, DE95 Z83

T : @utterchaos247

Theo Edwards’ charmed life as a local physician abruptly changed the moment he fell into the lake — the precise instant an alien freeze ray misfired on the planet and instantly froze all bodies of water. Theo was deeply submerged at that moment and was effectively cryopreserved. Theo, mentally damaged from hundreds of years in cryopreservation, emerged to a world of methane gas and high CO2 levels. Theo’s charmed life is now a simple life, and he is a simple ape.

Raven Walker

Craftsman • 117 Sutherland Place, DE100 Y72

T : @VongdudeJason

Raven Walker, a down-to-earth and humble ape who lives his life frugally yet meaningfully. A simple life is what he aspires to. His favorite quote: “My banker (bowler) hat helps me to calmly think. Oh, and the wheat? Just out of sheer boredom.”

Marlow Wilson

Craftsman • 112 Brown Avenue, DE100 Y64

T : @72raKW

Marlow is a very private individual. What he get’s up to is his business and nobody elses.

Wilfred Thomas

Craftsman • 123 Melendez Way, DE101 Z79

T : @ADALoc8or

Doork East is where a Craftsman King goes to relax and take it easy! It’s the Camp David of the Thomas Clan.

Crépin Wright

Military Officer • 37 Wright Buildings, DE92 S76

T : @AleexSpan

Just an old war veteran who want to spend his last years peacefully smoking some high quality cigars and whisky in the Doork East chateau he invested with his war savings. Be careful if you come too close of his house without invitation.

Snowden White

Craftsman • 108 Kingswood Road, DE96 Z84

T : @SpaceWave112358

Knows a thing or two about the Dread Pirate Robert’s Silk Road.

Miller de’ Medici

Noble • 10 Laurel Road, DE89 R70

T : @upwindstrategy

A fine wine connoisseur, his favourite pastime is to explore new territories to plant his vineyards. He has developed an advanced system of artificial intelligence that probes the soil for ideal conditions. He receives automatic reports on the left lens of his VR headset. His right lens remains permanently connected to the multiple Discord channels of The Ape Society.

A randomly generated selection of Doorks

Art Gallery

Wilfried Thomas

A randomly generated selection of Doorks

Art Gallery

Barden Chiesa

Special Thanks!

We would like to express a huge thank you to all the Apes who have joined Doork East, for their support, time, ideas, contributions and passion that made this magazine possible. Our community is our treasure.