SUPEHERO ISSUE by ZOE JENKIN

THE SUPERHERO ISSUE

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magazine

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Welcome to the Superhero Issue...

Sometimes you have to ask the question: How much do you want? Double vodka and coke, double cheeseburger and chips, double dating, double trouble... Double Magazine! More is more. Society scuffles at the feet of the Culture of Entitlement and you know you want a side of fries with that. So weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve spun together a combination of pictures and images to create a magazine which burrows to the core of what we all want - fashionable happenings and a great soundtrack running in the background. Our new issue zooms in like a shot in the dark over the heads of all those bright young things of the moment. We look at new superheros and old, those who are lighting up the fashion and music worlds and shimmying into some tight-ass lycra. So flick through our online glossy pages and get inspired by all that is great and good in the world today! LOVE DOUBLE XX

I N T E RV I E W :::::::::::: MALE BONDING WORDS BY JADE FRENCH

Male Bonding are raucous noise heroes who are pop punking their way into our hearts with songs like “Years Not Long”… It makes us wonder how can something be so tunefully loud? There’s a dash of melody underneath the thumping drums and lo-fi guitars… A pretty mean feat. It makes us wanna dance and it makes us wanna ask these kinda questions: Which superheroes of music, art and literature influenced you as a band? The Beach Boys, JD Salinger, Wipers, John Fante, Diane Arbus, Nirvana… You’re signed to Sub Pop- how did that occur? What’s it like being on a label that have previously brought out some of the best music ever? We put out a record on our label PVI last year and someone at Sub Pop bought a copy. The record collected four bands Old Blood, Graffiti Island, Rapid Youth and Male Bonding and has a dog on the front cover. It never had a proper name, just a catalogue number so sometimes we get asked if we have ‘that dog record’ at shows. Now it’s for sale on the Sub Pop website next to an advert for ‘Bleach’, weird...can’t believe it really! Were very proud to be a part of what they do. Does being based in London help you creatively? Yes I think so. I mean, London is fast and busy but we like to be busy too, you have to be. When we started this band we were good friends just grabbing bits of time to do it whenever we could. It was fun - just felt right so we gave it more time. Our friends are very talented and its impossible not to be inspired by the people you know doing things, this isn’t exclusive to London though. We have tried to document some of this talent on our next PVI release which is eleven bands on a 12” and split released with Conan from Graffiti Island’s label ‘Italian Beach Babes’. When things are shitty here, that can be inspiring too but we try not to dwell on the negative, we make it something else.

How much does the physical production of music matter to you i.e producing vinyl’s and album art work? Do you think the internet is wrecks or strengthens the d.i.y music industry? Strengthens it, makes it easier to ‘reach out’, share, and everyone gets a platform. As for artwork so far that’s all been done by ourselves or people we know. We don’t have rules on this though, just that we agree on an idea. Does rock’n’roll still exist in any form? Sure If you could put on some lycra all-in-ones and fight crime, which superhero would you be? I have no desire to be a superhero. The police are always at the top of our road going to ‘Super Kebab’, I’ll leave the crime fighting to them. What’s the best bonding experience you’ve ever had? Too many but I really enjoyed Halloween 2008, in fact Halloween last year was good too. You have gigs with Vivian Girls coming up- do you think it’s important to tour with ethos? It’s more important if people are friendly, if you like the music too I’d say that’s a bonus. I cant think of a bad story about any band wev’e played with, but when we do it’ll give us something to talk about in the van. Not so sure about a similar sound, I like shows with a varied line-up and its interesting seeing how different bands operate. Were excited about all of the bands we are playing with in March and April alone! Vivian Girls, Dum Dum Girls, Nodzzz, The Soft Pack, The Smith Westerns.. How do you keep your sound fresh? Honestly don’t think about it too much. is writing lots of songs right now but often we write them together too. There are no rules.

What next? We start touring in March, were going to Canada, America and Mexico. Our record comes out in May and before that there will be a couple of singles. Then we’ll play more shows in Europe and America, hopefully elsewhere. Were gonna do more with our label too…just keep doing more!

ALBUM OF THE MONTH ::::::::::

VAMPIRE WEEKEND WORDS BY JOSH GARVEY Sophomore albums are always pivotal. You put out a bad 2nd offering and a slippy slope waits, with the cess pit at the bottom filled with acts like The Strokes and The Hives; bands that could have been contenders. So it is with that Vampire Weekend grimace with hope and pray that they avoid the slag heap of promising acts that never breached the cocooned success of their 1st offering. Contra does not disappoint. It does however, polarize. For those who view Vampire Weekend with disdain, so too shall you dislike this album. It is completely unapologetic with its opener. ‘Horchata’ not only sounds identical to their 1st LP, it walks hand in hand with it, playfully giving the two fingered salute to the non-subscribers. In fact it would be apt to label the two albums as siblings, with Contra simply wishing to unabashedly emulate its elder. Only, as is often the case, the younger sprog is more adventurous, learning from their kinfolk’s mistakes.

Gone are the nicey nicey guitars on songs like ‘Boston’, having been replaced with more experimental numbers such as the M.I.A. sampled ‘Diplomat’s Son’. Rostam Batmanglij’s keyboards on ‘White Sky’ are sublimely accompanied by differing, intertwining percussion from Chris Tomson. With his vocals, Ezra Koenig is seen to be embracing a cosy little penchant for Kate Bush. ‘Cousins’ doesn’t mince its nature as it announces itself as the LP’s attempts at recapturing the rip-roaring success of ‘APunk’. Whilst there is nothing necessarily wrong with the song, it’s not really a shade on its predecessor. ‘A-Punk’ was such a behemoth of a club tune that the band may struggle to ever to better a song that, in its own intentions, was near perfection. That being said, Tomson’s drums piss all over this song and are brilliant. Koenig’s vocals on ‘Giving Up The Gun’ are softer than on the rest of the album, as he chimes “Your swords grown old and rusty/Burnt beneath the rising sun/ It’s locked up like a trophy/Forgetting all the things it’s done.” Ezra’s lyrics are greatly matured on Contra, with layered references to “Tokugawa smiles” demonstrating it’s not just Batmanglij and the rest of Vampire Weekend that are looking to mature. The album closes on the delicate ‘I Think UR A Contra’, with Koenig lamenting “Never pick sides/Never choose between the two/But I just wanted you”. Contra is an incredibly endearing album that serves to show Vampire Weekend as a band with depth and desire. In hindsight, their new found triteness fits them well.

With his vocals, Ezra Koenig is seen to be embracing a cosy little penchant for Kate Bush.

WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD

PALMSW ON THE RADAR PALMSW :::::::::::::: WILD PALMS PALMSW PALMSW PALMSW PALMSW PALMSW PALMSW

On the Radar picked Wild Palms for the Superhero issue for this fact: They will save indie. We hope. It’s like everyone’s eyes are peeled on Batman and Robin is just about to steal the Batmobile and run it into a building… Or something like that, superhero analogies are a bit thin on the ground. Basically whilst everyone “in the know” got boners over synth wielding females (the proverbial Batman) there was a band whittling away in 2009 putting together soaring vocals and fiddly guitar, mashing up driving beats and bass (obviously these guys are Robin). We now think it’s time for the car-crashingbuilding bit. The fact is that deep underneath the Radio One playlists there is actually good music out there in the dark corners of Manchester, in the stainless Sheffield hills and busy London streets… And Wild Palms are just one of them- but one, if they were picked up on in the right way could probably open the door for a whole host of others. Blahblah post-punk, blahblah Joy Division blahblahblah Gang of Four- who cares?

WORDS BY JADE FRENCH

All you need to know is that regardless of influences Wild Palms music creates dark, broody atmospheres which aren’t dispelled whether listening on mp3 or live. There is an unaffected confidence which settles on the listener with a punch in the gut. Songs like ‘Deep Dive’ open with catchy drums and a svelte guitar riff before launching into elongated vocals. There is something poetical about the lyrics which are carried along on a wall of sound. Chanting “Facing, facing, facing away / Away from today” and dragging the listener through calming lulls and rioting air-punching is just what is needed. The idea of ‘indie’ music needs to regain some dignity- think of all the wealth of music which has been and gone from the Rolling Stones to Sonic Youth and back through Buddy Holly… and now think of the Pigeon Detectives. Four-piece indie didn’t begin and end with the Libertines and easy Ikea-fit pigeon holing is too easy to do. So, we are On the Radaring Wild Palms, hoping they’ll get on some Lycra and start saving the musical world.

WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD WILD

PALMS PALMS PALMS PALMS PALMS PALMS PALMS PALMS

‘Reason Dazzled’, ‘Deep Dive’

@ NOW WAVE 18/01/10 It might take a lot for someone to admit that all they wanted to do is get down and dirty in a mosh pit and hit their heads to hardcore- or it might just take one look at the stage as Rolo Tomassi shake their bodies all over the stage (and the bar) hurling vocal melt-downs into the microphone and creating sick synth slap downs. It’s enough to make you feel tired, longing for a cup of cocoa and slippers… Ripping through their debut album it’s something of a surprise when a lull occurs and lead singer Eva Spence almost whispers into the microphone “Thanks for coming”. How does she have the lung capacity to scream like that? And how does her hair keep so neat with the near-gymnastic moves being pulled on stage? It’s a thrilling mix of eerie guitars, synth and drums piling on top of each other before a spasm induces all ideas of tempo, rhythm and pitch to jump out the window as the band join and disband musically to their own tune.

LIVE REVIEW

::::::::::::: ROLO TOMASSI

WORDS BY JADE FRENCH

Sounds messy but suspicions rise that the band knows exactly what they are doing; they are lulling the audience into a false sense of security before ripping through the ear drums. Duel vocals work well lending cohesion to the band and what’s even better to see is a blending of influences over the façade of screamo. There are nuggets of jazz underneath a fuzzy layer of prog and more than a helping of punk… It’s a feast of music loved which gives an even greater depth to the set. Even bringing in a few bits of new material doesn’t dampen the audience from rolling their heads about in time. The best thing about Rolo Tomassi is that although they might branch under an umbrella of musical genre they also traverse above it, meaning even those who might profess to dislike loud noises and screamyscreamy vocals will succumb in the end- even if they only want to politely head nod at the back.

“Thanks for coming.”

P L AY L IS T

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PRIMARY 1

WORDS BY JADE FRENCH

Elusive melodies, soaring and weaving into your brain. If a complicated Hot Chip started wrecking riots in your brain whilst Chromeo lurked like deviants in the corner and Erol Alkan watched over all like an omniscient muse it’d be like this. Maybe. Either way ‘Mess Detective’ compiles the one-manmusic-making-machine Joe Flory’s vision. And it’s a vision we kinda want a piece of… This is what all those electro babies are striving to be as songs like ‘Doomed’ take a lo-fi lullaby and gives a maturity to the other funked out offerings on the album. The fact that this is a pre-album release just goes to show the sheer volume of musical work Primary 1 has under his belt ranging from African beat based songs like ‘Swimming Pools’ all the way through to Spanish flavoured ‘Nicolai’s Rave’. It’s like an all you can eat of world music sandwiched in-between the bread of electronic beeps. And The Shoes and Riton remixes are just made to get your dance on… So we were like ‘Hey Primary 1, what’s your Playlist?’ (or words to that effect) and he was all… 1. Late Of The Pier - Best In The Class 2. Marina & The Diamonds - Hollywood (Gonzales Piano re-work) 3. Dragibus - A Cat With Glasses 4. Rachel Sweet - It’s So Different Here (Lexx Edit) 5. Hugg & Pepp - I Can’t Breathe 6. Danuel Tate - She Likes You? 7. Bullion - Say Goodbye To What

Photos by Rachel Crowther

04/12/09

: : : : : : : : : : : WHITEST BOY ALIVE

@LA CIGALE, PARIS

LIVE REVIEW

WORDS BY JOSH GARVEY

Whitest Boy Alive are one of those rare acts who completely embrace the philosophy “less is more”. In the past two years they have only performed live 12 times, leaving their growing legions of fans parched of the opportunity to witness them personally. Hence, the anticipation outside La Cigale is tangible. Distraught individuals rush to and fro, trying to purchase spare tickets from the opportunistic touts. The lucky chosen few queue with grins and the occasional drone of somebody humming the bass intro to ‘Keep A Secret’ can be heard over the din. La Cigale is an exquisitely intimate venue.

It’s the perfect combination of opulence and chic, with a balcony for seating that overlooks the main floor area and the slightly raised stage.

There aren’t any bums on chairs though once the gig commences. The aforementioned humming strikes up again, this time emanating from the cool as fuck bass of Marcin Oz. A warm applause begins to blanket La Cigale as Erlend Øye questions his gathered admirers. “Can you keep a secret?” “Honestly? No,” is the reply. So great is the affection that Whitest Boy Alive’s fans have for the band that it’s difficult for them to stop chunnering on about just how good they are. The band proceeded to gracefully swagger through their already cult back-catalogue, causing beautifully adorned Parisians to dance and sway to the likes of ‘Golden Cage’, ‘High On The Heels’ and ‘1517’. The habitual cover version is included, with Erlend and co this time choosing to give Armand Van Helden’s ‘U Don’t Know Me’ their unique treatment, bringing familial smiles from the crowd.

WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST WHITEST

BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY

During ‘Courage’, one lucky attendee manages to make it onto the stage. Unshakeably cool, Whitest Boy Alive continue to play whilst this euphoric individual struts his stuff, probably experiencing the most epic moment of his life. It’s even capped off with a stage dive cum crowd surf. All the while the rest of the audience, without provocation, claps along in unison to the beat. That’s how cool Parisians are. They don’t just clap along aimlessly to a song like some Stella toting yob would at The Apollo, they keep with the beat; all 1300 who’re in attendance at the gig. It’s remarkable. ‘Don’t Give Up’ is a touching song on wax but in concert it is given even more acumen and ends up coming off as quite inspirational. ‘Above You’ sounds amazing, with the R2D2 like synth actually being played live as opposed to being reconstructed by some infernal contraption.

The set closes on ‘Island’, exhibiting the habitual WBA showmanship. During the build up to the song’s crescendo, Øye and them completely freeze where they’re stood, whilst the feedback from his guitar slices through the audience.

ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE

‘Don’t Give Up’ is a touching song on wax but in concert it is given even more acumen and ends up coming off as quite inspirational.

‘Above You’ sounds amazing, with the R2D2 like synth actually being played live as opposed to being reconstructed by some infernal contraption. The set closes on ‘Island’, exhibiting the habitual WBA showmanship. During the build up to the song’s crescendo, Øye and them completely freeze where they’re stood, whilst the feedback from his guitar slices through the audience.

The “whoops” and clapping rise fiercely to counter the feedback and after what seems like an age, the band launch right into the shape inducing finish to the song. The lights go down and the appreciation goes up. Paris and her natives are notoriously difficult to please, yet I think a pasty, humble Norwegian and his friends have left a sweet taste in the mouths of those in attendance. One only hopes that the frantic fans who were pursuing tickets outside managed to get their mitts on one.

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C H I L D H O O D I S S U E : L S 1 :

A U A T 3 . :

: N U 0

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www.doublemagazine.co.uk

SISTAZ ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEMSELVES WORDS BY NATALIE ESQUIRE

Yes they are! I know I chose four New Yorkers but I can’t help it. From Manhattan’s rave juice soaked raves in Chinese malls to Brooklyn’s heavy bass loft parties that almost bring the house down, The Big Apple is killing it right now. It’s great to see so many girls up on the stages or behind the decks rather than lurking in the wings whilst the guys grab all the limelight. The UK represents with a Croydon native who is set to get a bigger break in the scene this year than a Kit Kat Chunky binge. Move over boys, because sistaz are truly doin’ it for themselves. It’s like the rebirth of 90s Girl Power...except without all that Spice Girls crap. So read on, and find out who Double Magazine are touting as the felines to watch in 2010! GOLDIELOCKS GoldieLocks is most definitely one of the most deserving girls in UK music right now. She’s been plugging away as a DJ/songwriter/vocalist/ producer and remixer for several years now, but entered most people’s musical psyche when her track ‘Kids’ was selected for Noel Cowards gritty London flick, Adulthood. But forget any ‘party rap’ pre-conceptions you may have about Goldie or her new EP ‘I’m Not Her’ will hit you in the face like a ton of bricks. Her spoken, slow rap style has been hung out to dry. GoldieLocks has taken up singing... and does it quite beautifully on ‘Green Eyes’, one of the EP’s standout tracks, produced by none other than fellow Croydon head, Benga. Jeez, there must be something in the water down there.

STAR EYES Star Eyes is the first lady of Brooklyn wreckin’ crew, Trouble & Bass and has been in the DJ game for around fifteen years now. Originally a successful drum and bass DJ, Star Eyes moved onto pastures new, and now dominates the heavy bass scene with style and ease. Her debut ‘Disappear’ EP (co-produced with Drop The Lime) was released on T&B in 2009, and is a testament to a genre that she likes to call ‘Haunted House’. Fingers crossed that a UK tour is on the agenda for 2010 because I’m telling you now...this girl will get you demented on the dancefloor. Dagga o’clock!

COOLY G Who else to choose than producer and vocalist extraordinaire Merissa ‘Cooly G’ Campbell? Yeah, so there are a few other female producers making waves in the UK at the moment, especially in this minimal dubstep ‘love-step’ whatcha-ma-call-it scene. But it’s Cooly G who does it for me. Her 2009 Hyperdub release ‘Love Dub’ is one of those tunes that gives you that rare tingle the first few times you hear it. Complete with Cooly’s heartfelt vocals, it’s like canned beauty in a track – mutant funky vibes and dubstep’s last dance all rolled into one. Amazingly, Cooly G is also a single mother and a semi-pro footballer. Girl Power indeed!

JUBILEE Only God knows how Jubilee (aka 4am Jess) manages to successfully juggle her roles as press director at Nightshifters, music producer, Flashing Lights promoter, world famous DJ and rave juice sippin’ party animal without dropping anything. This girl is multi-talented, multi-tasking eighth wonder of the world when it’s comes to the music biz. 2009 saw her co-producing the successful ‘Paypur EP’ with Udachi, and ‘Kick It’ with CT Burners. Jubilee, we sure as hell hope to hear more from you in 2010. Oh and interesting fact, she grew up to 2 Live Crew on the radio...and she’s not mad at it!

DJ GINA TURNER A part-time LA and part-time NY resident, with a penchant for tropical soca beats and ‘muy caliente’, DJ Gina Turner is turning heads. A musical mastermind, she has a degree in Audio Production and Radio Broadcasting...a real useful tool to take over the music world, so boys, I’d look out for her sneaking up on you. She is also half of the brains behind Nouveau Yorican (the other half being Dutch house impresario Laidback Luke) and their first track, jackin’ house bomb ‘Boriqua’, was released on Teki Latek’s Sound Pellegrino imprint last year. She is also one half of DJ duo Staccato with her partner in crime DJ LOUISAHHH! Be prepared.

If Not For You…

There are many musicians, both male and female, that I’d consider “heroes”, or “heroines”. Artists like Johnny Cash, Patty Smith, Janis Joplin, Pete Townsend and Neil Young to name but a few. For me however, there is one who stands tall above the rest. That ladies and gents, is Bob Dylan. So it is I am tasked with an attempt to sum up just how and why this man is a hero of music. Therein lays the problem. How do I, a person with his own opinions and feelings, hypothesise on what it is that makes Dylan a hero? It’s impossible. His music is so cathartic and personal that each listener takes something different and entirely unique from each of his wonderful songs. And so I come to the conclusion that Bob Dylan isn’t a hero to a collective group of individuals, he is merely a hero to the individual. It just so happens that literally millions of people the world over feel the same about him. That is the beauty of Dylan. A song as potently beautiful as ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’ is to one person an ode from one man to his drug dealer; whereas to another it can be something as simple and pure as being the quintessential hippy anthem. It is a true gift to be able to write something that can possess a different interpretation each time it is read or heard. Dylan wasn’t the first musician to take an active role in radicalism and revolution. He won’t be the last either. In fact, he was reluctant at first to even be considered as a figurehead

figurehead for civil momentum. He did however; use his rapidly rising notoriety to highlight many of the things wrong with the world. He didn’t just place the proverbial spotlight on activism; he gave it the momentum of a freight train, turned the spotlight into a headlight and sent it careering towards the people’s consciousness. Songs like ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’ weren’t stirring in the conventional sense; they weren’t a call to arms. Dylan was just 21 when he wrote the song, yet its maturity and message resonate so strong you’d be mistaken for thinking he wrote it yesterday. It was this obvious maturity that caused the hippy movement of the 60’s to place so much faith in Dylan. His wisdom and astuteness instilled confidence in others. The fact that he was a reluctant leader only made him more endearing. Dylan’s longevity is remarkable and the shelf life of his songs is almost unrivalled. The majority of his most potent material was recorded during a time of monumental unrest in America. The Civil Rights movement was in full force and Anti-Vietnam sentiment raged across the country. Yet for music that was so blatantly aimed at certain events, the message still translates today. The majority of Dylan’s songs could easily be used to sum up sentiments about Afghanistan or the ridiculousness in which the Bush administration handled the dire situation faced by residents of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. For me personally, Dylan is just special.

His songs are so caustic, so emotive, so personal, so catchy and so brilliant that even the dreaded greatest hits compilations are a joy to listen to as they band together all his obvious classics, sending you on a personal rollercoaster that covers every aspect of the emotional spectrum. He can make you dance on ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’. He can make you telephone your loved one with ‘If Not For You’. He makes it OK to be a bastard on ‘It Aint Me Babe’. He makes you chuckle with ‘Tombstone Blues’. He makes you want to rebel with ‘Maggies Farm’. He can make you feel like you can do anything, simply by holding himself up as an example. The man even makes it respectable to do a fucking Christmas album! They say you should never meet your heroes, but, if I could have an audience with Bob Dylan I’d find it hard to complain. To be able to sit there and listen to all his stories and have him play Mr. Tambourine Man just for me. Ah, I’d die a happy man. Hunter S. Thompson used to use Dylan’s music as ‘fuel’ when he was writing. That’s exactly what it is; fuel. Fuel for change, fuel for activism, fuel for the brain and most importantly; fuel for the soul.

www.longclothing.com

Donning the capes of musical credibility we think eyes should be wary of these bands down the 2010 line. We might be wrong but at least we’re trying.

THE FUTURE HEROES OF MUSIC::::::::::: WORDS BY JADE FRENCH

JAPANDROIDS

Despite having a name which sounds like a Flight of the Concords album track these two guys rock hard. They don’t seem to like the Queen (fact based on their song title “No Allegiance to the Queen”) but even though we kinda like the kitschness of ol’Liz we like the Sex Pistols-esque anti-monarchy stance. We also like the fuzz riffs and the simplicity of the guitar and drumming combo.

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS

LISTEN: Obsessions

We say hero, really we think this will be Florence and the Machine equation… female-vocalist-who-wears-glitter + pop chart success = very, very annoying. Starting with even an iota of underground promise only to be hummed by Radio One listeners two weeks later due to en mass marketing project is soulless, but we reckon a good half of the population will know her name by 2011. Unfortunately.

IS TROPICAL

LISTEN: When O’When

Electro drenched in lo-fi cool, between the dark plinking and fuzzy bleeping lurks a band who say a lot without saying anything. We’d say these dudes are the antithesis to Marina as they swap and change band duties, eradicating any notion of “OMGZZ that lead singer is so HOT” (Sorry JLS) and bring gang-mentality with catchy beats and

LISTEN: Young Hearts Spark Fire

CHARLIE ALEX MARCH

LISTEN: Cortot No 6 / Melodie

Dreamy. That’s the only thing to think when you plug into this, it’s like there are entire dreamscapes worked underneath these melodies. If you kinda like it when you develop a film and there is a double imprinted negative image, you’ll like this. We can but hope. This is ‘proper’ music, as in there is a beginning, middle and end, no vocals and you can imagine it being featured in an independent French film. LISTEN: Cortot No. 6 / Melodie

THESE MONSTERS

LISTEN: Fuck Test / Space Ritual

Make you want to claw off your own face and dance on it. In a good way. Squealing feedback, riotous vocals and a song called “Space Ritual”. Need we say more? Start breaking your neck nodding along and start to feel better that the air guitar is once again required without feeling like a 1970s throwback with a bad perm.

DUTCH UNCLES

LISTEN: Face In / Doppleganger

Can someone hurry up and realise that angular guitar-pop is what is needed once more? Stretch back your minds to 2005 when Maximo Park couldn’t put a foot wrong, think how much you tried to dance like Ian Curtis and how you jerked off to Talking Heads. Now, put on Face In and dance your feet off like you’re in a basement indie-disco. Yay!

COLD CAVE

LISTEN: Life Magazine

Kinda makes you think of Ladytron. Pretty vocals float around and Space Invaders synth plummets through the background. If Chairlift hadn’t sold their soul to Apple there might be a solid comparison to be made there. Layered, entrancing music with a bit more bite than the XX there is something ethereal and strong about songs like “Double Lives in Single Beds”. LISTEN: Life Magazine

AND WE ALSO RECKON TO KEEP AN EYE ON THESE BUT COULDN’T FIND THE WORDS TO SAY: T3ETH are- Rapid dance-y, punk-y, synth-y, name spelling-y = fun music! LOCAL NATIVES are - Lo-fi, garage, spaced out, floating vocals = rad pop FAIR OHS are- “like Paul Simon but… you know… punk” = saying it better than us JLS are- unadulterated pop, ab-tastic, a product of our fame obsessed society = pop pop MY TIGER, MY TIMING are- feisty, make you dance, Kitsuné endorsed = burning hot ANIMAL COLLECTIVE are- optical illusions, cool as fuck, still here = layering beats into your subconscious VAMPIRE WEEKEND are- new album, old album, ‘afrobeat’= if it’s not broke don’t fix it

Super Hero Wish List.

Borba Margo, Long Glove w/Tassels GLT2, $445.00 // Jeremy Scott, JSBONE-C1 Ivory, $265.00 // Hannah Marshall, Bat Dress, $1,330.00 // Opening Ceremony, W18 Ankle Bootie Clog - Leather Brick, $505.00 // ACNE Dream Print jersey bodysuit £120, DIANE VON FURSTENBERG Bonnie skirt bikini briefs, £110, Rubber Cycling Short By Unique £110 – Topshop, JUMPSUIT BY PAMM HOGG, Pice Available on Request. Alexander McQueen Cutout leather ankle boots, diet butcher slim skin high top special sneaker

Wonder

Girl

PHOTOGRAPHY: NICK BENTHAM STYLING & ART DIRECTION: ZOE JENKIN MAKE-UP AND HAIR: ROXANNA GILLANI MODEL: HESTER SPEIRS

SEQUIN JUMPSIUT BY JASMINE LITTLEWOOD PATENT DR MARTEN HEELED BOOTS

BATMAN BODY BY TOPSHOP, PETAL FEATHER DRESS WORN AS CAPE BY DAO MINH NGUYEN, BLACK TIGHTS FROM AMERICAN APPAREL

TULLE, FEATHER & SEQUIN CAPE-COAT BY JASMINE LITTLEWOOD, HIGH-WAISTED VELVET KNICKERS BY TOPSHOP, THIGH HIGH SUEDE BOOTS BY KURT GEIGER.

SPACE PATTERNED DANCE TROUSERS BY TOPSHOP UNIQUE, LONG LINE BRA BY LA PERLA, MASK STYLISTS OWN

PETAL FEATHER PLAYSUIT BY DAO MINH NGUYEN, BLACK TIGHTS FROM AMERICAN APPAREL

B R I G H T F U T U R E PHOTOGRAPHY: TENESHA CARR STYLING: ZOE JENKIN STYLING ASSISTANT: JORDAN SANTSCHI HAIR STYLIST: LIAM CURRAN WIG MODEL: NEIL BUCKINGAM MAKE UP ARTIST: ALI ISAAC RETOUCHING: NADINE SCHNEIDER

MESH, TASSLE AND NEON BODY BY ARAJO

ZIP CROP BLOUSE BY LOUISE AMSTRUP, LYCRA DRESS BY AMERICA APPAREL

GREY JERSEY CROP SWEATER BY LOUISE AMSTRUP, MESH BODY BY AMERICAN APPAREL

NEON BODY AND SHOULDER PADS BY ARAJO

DRESS BY LOUISE AMSTRUP

STRUCTURED DRESS ALL-IN-ONE BY ARAJO

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BLOGGING

SuperHero ::::::::::::: BILLIE JD PORTER!

OK so anyone can do a blog but no one does it quite like Miss Billie JD Porter! She’s sung WHAM songs with JUSTICE, stolen Henry Holland’s rubbish, got horny with Matt Horn, been photogr aphed by Rankin and chowed down fast food with Chromeo. Her super power seems to be being able to make us wee with excitment/envy/ lols just a little bit every time she posts a new story and this is why Billie is our Superhero of Blogging!

Who has been the best person/band you have interviewed and featured on your amazing blog? I like the interview with The Sound Track of Our Lives a lot. Its a good edit. The most annoying thing is when you get an amazing interview but something screws up; for example I did Beardyman aaaaages ago but someone at Platform accidently wiped the video pre-edit. Sad times.

Hey Bill JD...so I know I will regrett asking this question but how old are u? Seventeen.

You strike me as someone who knows what new music... tell me who are your favourite bands at the moment? I don’t really keep my finger on the pulse with new music at all. Its bizarre because I spent a year and a half doing PR for new artists and I write for NME but its not something I have much faith in. New music that is. I really like old stuff like Prefab Sprout.. Cocteau Twins, Kate Bush. That sort of thing.

Where do you live? Halfway between Shoreditch and Dalston. Shoreston. God knows for how long though, seeing as I can’t afford my rent anymore. How the fuck did get into all the cool shit u get to do now? By being a rude cunt. I only met Blaise because I kept threatening to shut him down. Then when I left school I went to intern at a company that shared an office with Vice which is how all the stuff I do now came about. Wow! Nice tactics! You founded Platform magazine when you were 14 yeah? I’d say co-founded. It was a group of us. And no, I was fifteen ish I think, its hard to pin point exactly because I was doing lots of work way before the launch. I’m done with that now though. Who else have you written for? I’ve done a few print things for NME and I have this dumb column on the website. I think the first printed thing I ever did was for Super Super when I was about fourteen. I do bits here and there for friends but its mainly Viceland stuff.

That sucks! What inspires you at the moment? Jamie Taete and Drunkenstepfather.

Are you really in to fashion too? Not at all. I don’t know anything about it. And I dress pretty lazily. I did work experience with Bella Freud when I was fifteen which was really interesting though. She inspires me a lot, and I’m a big fan of her work but I wouldn’t be able to tell you what’s in our out.. no way. If you weren’t a writer, what would you be doing? I guess I’d be at sixth form and still living at home. I would imagine I’d still balance it with freelancing here and there. But if I’d never started writing I think I’d probably still have some sort of media orientated job. What are your plans for the future? I’m working on a short documentary for VBS with the aforementioned visionary

genius that is Jamie Taete which has been taking up a lot of my time since the new year began. I’ll be working more on that over the next few months and hopefully on more filmed projects in the future. I’ve realized that so much of the video content I was involved with last year really didn’t need a presenter.. kind of underestimated the power of character lead pieces. And farther ahead, my main ambition is to travel. Not backpacking in Thailand to find myself, but traveling to cover things. Who was the most boring/dull/fail person you have ever interviewed? Probably a girl group called Plasticines. Basically a female version of Busted except a lot less successful. Maybe it was something to do with the language barrier as they’re French.. but the interview was just awful, it was impossible to make them look interesting. They didn’t like me either though and wrote a huge blog declaring their hate. Kind of funny. Where is your favourite place in London? Islington. I lived there with my parents and didn’t really appreciate how nice the area is until I moved to East London. There are lots of amazing cafes and shops around there and its really, really diverse. --Thanks Billie you Blogging Superhero!! http://www.billiejd.blogspot.com/

LIVEBAND

SuperHero ::::::::::::: THE COOLNESS!

East London’s The Coolness are our Live Band Superheroes. This is mainly due to the electrifying and enticing circus of hedonism that has popped up in every warehouse, basemenet and club these guys have played in since 2007. These guys always provide their audience with an orgy of strobes, bass, naked chicks and sex-stuffed songs such as Trouser Arouser, Kids on K and Take It Off. I caught up with the big man himself Chaz Ross to disguss his new Superhero status... Hey Chaz! So are you the Coolest? No but my heart is is the coldest - cooled from the wrath of too many a fiery spanish women. How would you describe your music? It’s like aids never happened and dance/ electro was still fashionable - it’s the modern day form of rock n roll I guess. Would you like to collaborate with any other musicians/bands? I don’t even collaborate with my own band mates let alone other musicians but seriously we’ve already done stuff with Soho Dolls, hip hop artist J-Dragon and Malaysian pop star Ze - all in the can and to be released very soon - but wed love to work with someone that has some proper money or pr machine behind them - even something shit like Pixie Lott as long as we get paid. Pixie Lott... I wonder if she would get her jubblies out for you. So who do you have in mind when you write your songs? Sometimes made up people who are so attractive they could never physically exist unless they were some kind of robobabe sometimes huge crowds of people rocking out at a stadium sometimes Naomi.

What inspires you at the moment? Methadrone, house parties, the dole office, steel panther, stealing, womens clothes, something for nothing, fast cars, porn hub, being banned by facebook every other month, huge amounts of ever growing debt - oh and did I mention my ex girlfriend is a cunt. Are the naked ladies an important part of THE COOLNESS? Only for the real wankers out there - and I’m a wanker by the way - But it’s better to see people wanking offstage than onstage - fact is girls tend to get naked around me on and off stage on a daily basis - its just something that’s always happened so why try to hide that fact most of the time girls enjoy it more than anyone - you forgot to mention the naked men by the way !!! how very sexist !!! What are the difficulties faced being a band in London today? The Police and council are the main ones. Unless you are very well connected AND have rich parents, in order to feed yourself you will have to shoplift. Shoplifting is a crime. Alternative to that you could be a gigolo kind of band but that also imposes some sexual health dangers. If you weren’t in the Coolness, what would you be doing? I’d be dead and buried, so not alot apart from laying down which I’m pretty good at already what with all the naked ladies everywhere What are your plans for the future? Just try not starve and try not catch anything nasty - and when the world is ready for us we will burst out of Shoreditch and cause social uproar amongst the ignorant and social unity amongst the people that still believe in a pure love and freedom. What was the best gig u ever played so far?

We put on a d.i.y rave in a giant snooker hall that a thousand people all in fancy dress came to but the best and most legendary gig has to be hall that a thousand people all in fancy dress came to but the best and most legendary gig has to be the old peanut factory in hackney wick that we organised with an aristocratic insane gay heroin addict who goes by the name philip hill these days What have been the best and worst gigs you have ever seen? we put on a giant gig with phillip hill in a garage on valentines. It was still full of cars. It ended up with the dead kids drummer, seb being partially beheaded and hospitalized for weeks. Aerosmith equals good - pigeon detectives equals bad. What is your favourite place in London? arnold circus - its where the first ever form of socialism was implemented in the united kingdom. And remember kids - be a robot or get with the system !!! Thanks for the chat and the advice Chaz.

C L U B PROMOTER

SuperHero ::::::::::::: BUSTER BENNET

PHOTO BY BEN PAYNTER

New York Times Magazine describes him as “A major figure on the London Scene” and they’re not wrong... Buster Bennet is responsible for some of London’s most outrageous underground parties and clubnights. His superpower is relentlessly entertaining the new wave of party monsters and ensuring London’s night life will never die... Hey Buster, so describe what you actually do? Basically, everything I do stems from the fact I can’t stand authority, and never managed to stay in a ‘normal’ job more than 3 months and I cant seem to relate to normality. So I’ve built up my own version of the world which works for me. This ‘world’ has it’s own culture and events, aka club nights, it’s own soundtrack and even its own currency, be it plant food or creativity its a currency none the less :) With the launch my DJ school I’m now expanding the population. Do u have a day job too? During the day i’m constantly husslin’ it on my crackberry, trying to get the best DJ’s and if I cant find them I train them up at the school! During the night i’m either running a club or playing at one. I DJ a lot around the world, playing in places like Berlin, Russia and Paris. As you probably guessed I don’t sleep much. Wow you do alot! How old are u? Urghh, well for the first time I had a lady come up to me in a club the other weekend and say ‘Don’t you feel old in places like this’ I was quite horrified that she thought i might be in the same age bracket. Googling plastic surgeons as we speak... might get myself some sexy gills, what ya think? Where do you live? I’ve moved around like most night slugs have, leaving a silvery trail in my wake!

Currently i’m living in north London in Kentish Town, which is alright if you like mediocrity, (planning an exit asap!) How the fuck did get into all the cool shit u get to do now? I just made the leap of faith and did it, these thing weren’t here in London when I crawled from the burbs... So I created it along with a friend called Scottee, and my first club Antisocial was born, it was like a big mother-ship of disenfranchised freaks! You just have to go for it, and persevere, being self employed teaches you that, take it from me, its not the easy option but it is the most rewarding. How many different club nights have you started or been involved in? Seriously too many to mention. But the main ones I would say have been Antisocial and Nuke Them All, those are the ones you’ll be reading about in the history books! I’ve also been involved in Kashpoint, NagNagNag and The Cock. London is the only city where a lineage of freak-nights exists, and i’ve been here since 2002 now and I don’t intend to leave anytime soon! NUKE EM ALL was your creation yeah? Yeah Nuke Them All is a creation of mine and Fonteyn’s (Previously of Computer Blue.) The night is all about rebellion, it’s an anti-nanny-state-art-rave hosted in a dirty strip club in deep dark hackney! Its not for the faint hearted! What has been the most amazing party you have djed at or been involved in? The Kashpoint parties where legendary, but the music never really seemed current enough, so we created Antisocial, and I would say to this date Antisocial is the one people still talk about. What inspires you? I find inspiration from lots of things, but mainly from youth culture. I always like the underdogs, and young people are often just that. You can find the most visionary creativity right on your

doorstep if you give young people a platform on which to work. Thats what my nights are all about. But as they get old they get bitter and eventually end up addicted to plant food. Shame that. LOL, jokes, it’s not always the way! Who are your favourite bands at the moment? To tell you the truth I don’t listen to any bands at the moment, don’t get me wrong, I used to mosh to Marilyn Manson and Korn, but it was so long ago its like another life time. Nowadays I listen to a lot of dance music, but i’m only really interested in the tracks which have vocals and creative complex rhythmical structures. I call it tropical :) Are you really in to fashion too? Yeah i’ve always loved me’ glad rags! A lot of the people who come to my nights are fashion designers so the nights become a kind of cat-walk for avantgarde fashion and future style! (thats before topshop cotton on and essentially water everything down.) I always like to shop in KTZ, thats my fave! Thankfully I always get myself bare discounts! And I always make sure I try and get in there before Niyi, because me and Niyi always seems to pick the same things! And And And of courrrrrseee being self employed I can wear what ever the fuck I want which is genius :) If you weren’t a promoter, what would you be doing? Well I did fancy myself as a trader once upon a time, then I switched to wanting to be in the army (omg.) So it would be something equally highly energetic or life threatening. Running clubs seems to be a mixture of both. What are your plans for the future? Well I’m hoping that i’ll get a club on the Moon one day. And i’d like to pioneer holo-clubs, thats the way forward. In the near-future i’m thinking of starting a new night, but what I have in mind will probably warp peoples minds so much they won’t come :( It’s called ‘Disaster

On Camera’ so watch this space! What is your favorite place in London? Barts hospital is quite nice, last time I was in there attached to a drip for three days on all sorts of pain killers for clubbing related exhaustion I had a whale of a time :) The best holiday I’ve had in ages. Something about not even having to worry about drinking water because a drip is doing it for you is really refreshing.

MENSWEAR DESIGNER

SuperHero ::::::::::::: C H R I S TO P H E R S H A N N O N

Self proclaimed “refined scallyism” Fashion Designer Christopher Shannon is our Menswear Superhero. Liverpool born Christopher is one super geezer, sharing his super powers for mens fashion with blokes the world over, providing something other to wear than ill-fitting jeans and a Lyle & Scott jumper. We caught up with him to chat fashion, scouse girls in their curlers and his favourit places in London... Hey Christopher... your from liverpool yeah? They are big on the whole 80’s casuals sportswear thing there arent they... did that inspire you to start designing the way you do now? Not consciously, when I was doing the

MA I had to go back through all my stuff and figure out why it was I wanted to do fashion and all these references kept coming back up. I think the best work comes from when you have a good understanding of something personal to you. And if not then you have to really research to be convincing. I’m never convinced by designers who pull crazy inspiration from nowhere or things a bit fakey. If you start from somewhere fake you dont really have anywhere to go. Last time I was there I saw some girls shopping wearing hair curlers and pj’s. A brave fashion statement! What are your thought’s on this? Oh I love it! Last time I came out the station there was this girl with this really red hair colour which seems to be popular and she had teemed it with a

lighter pink umbrella, fur gillet and massive furry boots worn with a burgundy Juicy velour tracksuit. I was totally transfixed. I love the way Liverpool trends are really specific and full on, its amazing. Were you interested in fashion while growing up? Not really, I was interested in clothes and imagery and music videos. I dont know how I came to fashion, I think maybe it seemed like the most mixed option, it can included all other disciplines. I was never a sower or maker, I still find that side of things unbearable. What has been your biggest fashion mistake? Hmmm, none really spring to mind. I think probably something I bought when I first started going to clubs. In fact I know exactly what it was but Im choosing to try and not regret it. How would you describe your own style now? Uniform. I have loads of the same thing. Dreadful man habit I know, but I work really full on, I have no time to be sitting round thinking about what Im gonna be wearing. You’ve already worked with Eastpak and Reebok, who else would you like to collaborate with? In terms of sports brand theres a few, I love Fila and North Face, anyone with a particular thing that is done really well. I love Chanel too and Hi Tec Hinking boots. Loads really. I’d love to do a shirt line with an amazing shirt company, I just like doing work with good people who are really more interested in the product than the press angle. Who do you have in mind when you design? Hmm I dont really, we just work on the product. I’ve never been a musey type designer. I can’t stand all that creating

fictional characters, it makes me think of bad college collections. It seems like a theatre design way to think of things. Who are your favourite designers and why? Chanel, Moschino, Margiela, Comme all the ones who have been trailblazers. I also love Christopher Kane, I love really modern relevant ideas and people who just get on with their thing without being all needy to be be seen as a ‘fashion designer’. What are the difficulties faced being a designer today? Probably the multitasking, you have to have every aspect covered and that can be pretty draining. I’m sure theres a million worse jobs though. I think to get through it you have to be sure you are doing it for good reasons, more for the work than to be a star. If you weren’t designing, what would you be doing? The only other job I really wanted to do was direct music videos. Or maybe illustrate but thats a bit lonely. Sometimes im just glad Im not working in Tescos. I’d love to do more art direction too. What are your plans for the future? Just to keep on, making any sort of plan in fashion is really futile. What is your favourite place in London? At the minute my new flat. Im in work everyday but all I want to do is loll about at home.

FASHION DESIGNER

SuperHero ::::::::::::: C H A R L I E LE MINDU

Charlie le Mindu’s super powers lie in his scissors and his imagination... At just 22 years old, French born hairdresser Charlie Le Mindu is no longer the new kid in town with his studio in Shoreditch where he masters the locks of many a celebrity not to mention his shows at London Fashion Week. With his eccentric style and ever changing hair, Charlie is a superhero of elaborate wigs and now haircouture, of gigantic proportions... taking getting-your-hair-did to the next level. Hi Charlie! So how long have you been designing your magnificent creations? 124 years !!!! too long already !!! Where are you based? London shoreditch ! Stressful lifestyle but I love it. Ahh Shoreditch, where all creatives reside...how would you describe your own style? I’m a gypsy never staying in one place. Some people also people call me a freak. Who would you like to collaborate with? Gaultier and Galliano. I think they are my fav but would love to do a collaboration with bernhard willerm or even Karl. Who do you have in mind when you design? No one. I ONLY LOOK AT ARCHITECTURE OR CULTURE – I don’t like to look to anybody else for inspiration. What inspires you at the moment? Actually for my next collection all extreme religions inspires me. I think religious extremism is disgusting and hardcore, and as i don’t believe in anything like that myself - i thought that in that way i was near them.

Who are your favourite designers and why? Thierry Mugler, Jean Paul Gaultier. there my classic but i m a huge fan of Pacco Rabbanne he is just a really crazy guy and i love everything he does. Were you interested in fashion while growing up? No i hated it and still do but i like ART and MUSIC. What are the difficulties faced being a designer today? THERE are no difficulties. It’s easy and amazing to do. You just get to express yourself and be happy and have good stress the all time. If you weren’t designing, what would you be doing? I’d be a tramp or a junky, actually – i’m already both of those. i don’t know, opera singer maybe? What are your plans for the future? It’s a surprise What was your biggest fashion mistake growing up? I really hate interviews with the same questions all the time... maybe one of my biggest mistakes as you can probably see is being so honest. Who has great style and who has BAD style? I find great style in all the people who just look wrong. Bad style? Burlesque people. That’s just wrong. Also people trying to look too perfect. What is your favourite place in London? My bed.

A favourite of the style elite ACNE is the designer we are profiling this month. Founded in Stockholm in 1996 by four creatives, Acne’s ambition was to create and develop a lifestyle brand through desirable products, as well as helping other people to build their brands. This ambition led to diverse assignments in advertising, graphic design, Internet games and TV production. With confidence from the success of their jeans, Jonny Johansson ACNE’s creative director, branched out into other design genres. The first full collection was launched in 1998, and it set the tone for the brand – the subtle luxury and understated items originates from the ethos that the clothes should feel like someone’s wardrobe. Cool and personal. The result is that nothing dominates anything else, yet every piece is effortlessly stylish. “Fashion is the best form of self-expression. We like to design pieces that together form the coolest wardrobe, but is ultimately wearable. It becomes one way of thinking

DESIGNER PROFILE :::::::::::::

Acne

as individual pieces, but together creates a strong, modern and considered statement.” explains Jonny Johansson, Acne’s Creative Director. ACNE Paper was developed as a visual form of communicating the ACNE collective and what inspires it. The Independent Newspaper describes it as “pointing to the future of fashion publishing.”

MAGPIE EYES :::::::::::::

Vintage Hunt BY JENY & AMBER

“We’ve always been ready for female superheroes. Because women want to be them and men want to do them.” — Famke Janssen

ON THE RADAR

: : : : : : : : : : : TOO MANY PJ’S

THE BRAND: Too Many PJ’s THE MISSION: Too Many PJ’s designer Erin Wilson makes pyjamas like you had when you were a kid, but in grown up fabrics. And who wouldn’t want to hang out all day and night in their jim-jams when they are silky soft and cool enough to host a party in. If Hugh Hefner can do it so can anyone who wears Too Many Pjs! Our ON THE RADAR brand is a quirky luxury brand of 100% silk pyjamas, dressing gowns, and other loungewear designed by Erin Wilson. All the fabric is hand dyed and traditionally screen printed which results in slight variations in colour and makes each finished garment a one off design. Erin specially designs the screen prints for Too Many Pjs in fantastical motifs inspired by everything from historical events in popular culture to the far corners of her imagination. They may

remind the wearer of pyjamas worn as a child, but these are the grown up luxury version. The expertise behind the brand started with Erin”s education at Drexel University in Philadelphia and no nonsense work experience. She gained a wealth of knowledge from working for renowned British designer Alexander McQueen. From there she went on to work for a few small London based businesses, and practiced her screen-printing as a hobby. The hobby became a passion and she decided to start her own brand based around it. It only seemed natural to her that she should combine this passion for hand screen-printing with her passion for lounging around in her pyjamas all day. She has also spent some time working in vintage boutique I Dream of Wires and Liberty Department Store. When she is not busy designing out of this world print designs for Too Many Pjs she helps design and produce off the peg garments for the I Dream of Wires private label. THANKS FOR THE PJ’S ERIN!!!

CLUB PROFILE

::::::::::::: SMASH & GRAB A Night of Kissing & dancing is how the Queens of Noize describe their weekly party in Camden, but this is only the start of what you should expect when visiting Proud Galleries on a Thursday night! This is one of the few nights the Shoreditch set feel worthy of migrating out of east London for; with people like Peaches, Winehouse, Liam Gallagher, Florence and our fave Henners being regular faces at the S&G parties, along with the usual Camden long haired, leather clad indie rockers, this night makes for a passion packed extravaganza of dance pop indie 90s and more, fancy dressing up box booth action and sometime even country dancing! There have been many a live performance including Pete Doherty, Florence and the Machine, Telepathe, Amazing Baby and Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Wrestle amongst others... This usual ends up in some carnage stag crashing and a general riot taking over the whole of Proud Galleries. And letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face it, that is everything we are after from a Thursday night in London.

Heroes Just For One

Day? Photos by Rachael Gibson Styling by Twineth Paltrow Models, Nikki Crotty & Christine Macaulay

10 Steps to Becoming A Super Socialite...

Join forces with the likes of the fashion pack’s fame whores! Social climbing, sex scandals and spells in rehab are all a must-do for you to become one of these thunder stealing Fashion Hookers. Get yourself noticed with some of these tried and tested tips from the pros (Corey Kennedy, Kim Kardishian, the Hills girls’ and my favourite; Paris Hilton) and secure your Fame-Whoredom today! Warning to succeed in this bitchin’ career you must be hungry, daring and willing to step on everyone from the A to Z list.

7. Kiss and tell! Fuck someone who’s someone and film it, if all else fails, then claim you have. The mags love a juicy story.

Thou Shalt:

10. Be demanding, front row fashion seats – easy kick up a big enough fuss and you’ll get what you want, pretend to be the assistant of someone important (do your homework for this), blag, kick and scram and yell ‘I don’t queue!’ and ‘don’t you know who I am?’ till you achieve the desired result and if it doesn’t go your way then its another excuse to cause a scene and get arrested!

1. Climb, climb, climb that social ladder, kiss kiss darrrhling and don’t forget all that back stabbing to go with it. 2. Do something rash, radical and get caught in the act! Suggestions include snorting, getting arrested, and doing a good stint in rehab because you’re “tired”, who knows who you might meet inside.. 3. Grab yourself a flamboyant gay friend to bitch with (and hopefully do some future community service with) and even better... make a TV show about it too. 4. Drama, drama! Hire a film crew to document your rise to super stardom, gate crash everything and ruin a few lives and reputations along the way. 5. Change your name to something memorable if you can’t think of one, then make your name memorable! 6. Get some bright young thing to create some outrageous fashion attire for you, never wear last season, unless you have burnt it, reworked it or intended on offending the original designer.

8. Become a photographer (this ones for you boys), fuck as many models as possible promising them a glittering career for doing so, again film it. 9. Seek out drunken and drugged up celebs, go get hitched in Vegas, all else fails then chloroform then and tattoo each others names in full view for the paparazzi.

WORDS BY ALEXANDRA WALSH

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