Hope and Healing for One

“This means the willingness to be open to some hard and painful truth-telling: First, by being able to tell the “truth” about how we may have explicitly and implicitly caused or sanctioned harm against others and then being radically intentional about creating spaces where the burdened can find “rest” by feeling safe to tell the truths of their own trauma.

“For me, this invitation by Jesus is a powerful reminder of what communities and institutions of faith are called to be: spaces of rest, restoration, and healing. This kind of loving space creates the conditions for Life, or what is called ‘The Leading Causes of Life’. Hope--allowing us to imagine and work toward a different future; Intergenerativity—affirming our identity as a person held within a wider circle of those who have gone before and those who will come after; Agency—being able to take action; Coherence—making sense out of life that gives us stability; and Connection—sitting in complex and rich human relationships. The causes of life are always there, but they grow and thrive when there are safe places of love and care.” ***

The next Wednesday night Bible Study group started with the usual greetings, welcome and prayer. The theme for the evening was ‘Hope and Healing’. The main speaker, Meagan, was introduced and invited to tell her story.

“For me, this invitation by Jesus is a powerful reminder of what communities and institutions of faith are called to be: spaces of rest, restoration, and healing. ...”

Thank you for the invitation to speak. Some years ago, I was invited to a multi-ethnic church in New Jersey to provide a weekend training program on abuse and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). The #MeToo movement had awakened stories in many women, and the pastors, keen to provide support and care, reached out. The runup to this training involved months and months of conversation with the pastors—two delightful younger women. They wanted to do this carefully and well, and I was pleased that they reached out to the denominational resource—my office. The staff and congregants were warmly welcoming, setting a hopeful and encouraging tone for the weekend. As is often the case, I was invited to preach on Sunday as well. There were about 65 people there—the majority women, with about a dozen men, from a variety of congregations; the energy was very positive. Without much delay, we began, and people were engaged. If you had to attend this kind of training for the first time, you would realise that the group can clearly be divided into two—those who have experienced abuse and those who haven’t. There is a possible subgroup of those who have had someone disclose abuse to them. They may be seeking information on how to help going forward or whether or not they handled the disclosure well. I loved the fact that I was there to help all three groups. I felt confident in the material, and quickly got into the flow of presenting it.

As I stood there, I was deeply aware of faces, and body language. I gently, gradually made it known that I was a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and have seen IPV function. I shared my story sparingly, but enough to let the survivors in the room know that this was not clinical and academic for me. It was personal. I was invested in their well-being and stood as a harbinger that healing and restoration of hope can happen. Throughout the day, there are breaks. It’s often during these moments when people will approach to share their story. I don’t ever know who will speak up, but I have prayed, and hope that there will be many who are ready, at some point in the day, to break the silence. I make it clear that this is a personal decision. A very personal moment. It is both a beginning and an end. I just want the people in the room to share what they need to. Sometimes people say it right to the whole group. Sometimes, they are so frightened of the secret, they approach me. There is still a bit of “public-ness” to this so that they can’t keep it completely hidden any longer. God has brought them to this point, and they respond to the prompting of the Spirit. As we came to the lunch break, a variety of people approached. At some point, a young woman who I had seen crying during the presentation, which is fairly common, wanted to talk to me. We sat down. She had a story of an abusive boyfriend to share. She was filled with shame about this relationship, which she had not long since ended. She carried the shame and had borne its heaviness. She was a beautiful young woman of college age, and she felt she did not deserve to be in another relationship with someone else because of her trauma.

Her story came spilling out as if a dam of anxiety and pain had broken. She had lived with this secret for so long, that it was eroding her selfconfidence and ability to have healthy relationships. We talked for quite some time. She received my reassurance that she was not the only one, that she was capable of living free of this shame, and that she could forgive this injustice, when she was completely ready, and God did not look down on her for not being able to forgive at that moment. I realized again that the breaking of silence, the moment of disclosure is so powerful! It is the first step of the journey to healing! This was among the most meaningful, powerful conversations in my years of ministry, I think because this young woman was carrying so much pain and struggle. Just to get to this point, the point of disclosure, had to have been so scary and difficult. I knew that she had cultural things going on as well. As a young Asian, Christian woman, she felt pressure to be perfect—beautiful, slim, modest, and pure. What the boyfriend did to her robbed her of those things. My hope though was to reassure her that she had taken a very important step and that it was a beginning toward wholeness and health. In the ensuing days of my time with that congregation and its people, I met with women lay leaders, women pastors, and with the proposed team that would carry on the ministry. Each of these was so meaningful in its own way. Ultimately, the work must be entrusted, so I do that. I realized again that the breaking of silence, the moment of disclosure is so powerful! It is the first step of the journey to healing!