Downsized Living Winter 2013 by Downsized Living: The Magazine for the New America

DOWNSIZED

Living THE MAGAZINE FOR THE NEW AMERICA

Dan Reich

Vol. 2, No. 2 • Winter 2013

HOW TO F I N D T H E C HEAP E ST RELI G I O N :

FAMILIES

WHY SHO PPIN G A RO U N D M AK E S SEN S E IN TO U GH T I M ES

TECHNOLOGY

No Family? No Problem! Relatives You Can Rent

Downsized Apps

MANNERS Mensch Reported Hiding in Remote Corner of Alaska

T H E

E D I T O R

he purpose of this magazine is to use dark humor and parody to protest the effects of the recession on the American people. But the terrible tragedy that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School this past December was overwhelming and made our economic problems seem small in comparison. It is hard to comprehend the grief of the parents and how anyone could have done such a thing to innocent, helpless little children. Many have asked themselves, “Why?”

We also have misguided protection of the rights of those with serious mental illness and provide grossly inadequate services for them. Psychiatrist Paul Steinberg, in an editorial in The New York Times in December, said that Adam Lanza may have suffered from schizophrenia and that over the past half-century, there has been a persistent

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Why is the notion of ‘freedom’ in this country taken to such an antisocial extreme?

But there is a why: The United States allows nearly unlimited access to guns. And as Elisabeth Rosenthal recently reported in The New York Times, the “good guys with guns” that the NRA says we need standing around to prevent school shootings is not supported by the evidence. She said that many Latin American countries such as Honduras, El Salvador and Columbia have “good guys with guns,” that is, armed guards, standing around everywhere in public places. However, she said, “It has not made those countries safer or saner.” Ms. Rosenthal, citing 2011 statistics from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, went on to report that “Honduras led the world in homicides, with 91.6 per 100,000 people…rates were also alarmingly high in El Salvador (69.1), Jamaica (40.9), Columbia (31.4) and Guatemala (38.5)…The United States’ rate is about 5.” Abundant access to guns, she said, which many of these countries have, is associated with high homicide rates.

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F R O M

failure to recognize and institutionalize teenagers and young adults with this disease. Dr. Steinberg also said that there is “…too much concern about privacy, labeling and stereotyping about the civil liberties of people who have horrifically distorted thinking. In our concern for the rights of people with mental illness, we have come to neglect the rights of ordinary Americans to be safe from the fear of being shot.” He also stated that because of cost concerns, psychiatric hospitalizations are much too short to be effective. In addition, a psychotherapist featured on the PBS News Hour in December said that school budgets have been cut to the bone, leaving out money for enough counselors and school psychologists who might be able to identify and help students who are at risk for acting out in deadly ways.

Banning guns really works, Ms. Rosenthal argues. She mentions that Australia used to have about one mass shooting a year. But after a horrific massacre in 1996, the government banned semiautomatic weapons. Australia has not suffered a mass shooting since.

Who are we? Why is the notion of “freedom” in this country taken to such an antisocial extreme? We obviously need to reinstate the assault weapons ban, which never should have been repealed in the first place. And there are already so many 2

FROM THE EDITOR, continued

guns in circulation that there should also be a federal buyback program to get as many weapons as possible off the street. For the price of a few B-2 bombers or billionaires’ tax breaks, we could do that, couldn’t we?

social behavior to more easily flourish. We need to think about this, as do the purveyors of violent entertainment in the media.

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Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people can transform the world. – Howard Zinn

There is a lot we can do to ensure that the 20 children and six adults who died at Sandy Hook Elementary School did not die in vain. The reinstatement of the assault weapons ban is complicated by the enormous power of the NRA and the gun manufacturers they represent, which have an enormous hold on Congress. So it’s all the more important that you call your Congressman or woman and demand the reinstatement of the assault weapons ban. Turn off excessively violent entertainment. Don’t honk your horn unless it’s to avoid an accident. Turn off your cell phone in public.

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It’s all the more important that you call your Congressman or woman and demand the reinstatement of the assault weapons ban.

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It’s unlikely to happen, but we should also consider the repeal of the Second Amendment. As Aaron Burger recently argued in the Christian Science Monitor, the Founding Fathers never intended to arm mass murderers. Criminals like these weren’t a problem in 1789. They are now.

Beyond the need for strict gun legislation and increased mental health services, we also need to think of the social environment we have created. Our society is saturated with violent and coarse entertainment. Incivility and rudeness have become all too common. Although bad manners may not lead directly to violence, I believe they create an unhealthy atmosphere that allows anti-

Howard Zinn said, “Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.” Let’s make it a safe and healthy one for ourselves and for our children. – Blair Adams

Volume 2, Number 2 • Winter 2013

RELATIVES YOU CAN RENT

TOP 10 APPS FOR DOWNSIZED LIVING

HOW TO FIND THE CHEAPEST RELIGION:

TWEET YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY

WHY SHOPPING AROUND MAKES SENSE IN TOUGH TIMES

MENSCH REPORTED HIDING IN REMOTE CORNER OF ALASKA

YOUR DOWNSIZED HOROSCOPE

DOWNSIZED ADVICE 4

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RELATIVES YOU CAN RENT by Allen Smith

mpossibly busy schedules and relatives that are estranged or living far apart make getting together with family these days no simple matter. Because families are so scattered, and travel is hard on tight budgets, many companies, such as Rent-A-Family, are filling in the gap.

The Basic Family Sampler, which costs $499 a month, consists of a slightly alcoholic father, a Jewish mother puffed up on Botox, a sister in therapy and two senile grandparents.

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married and took a job in San Francisco. Even the cat packed up her litter box and left. His other siblings moved out of Chicago for one reason or another, as did his one remaining frat brother. Then it dawned on him. He was alone.

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Andy went to Rent-A-Family and spoke to a sales rep about his situation. “Rent-A-Family has packages for everyone, ranging from the small nuclear family to the large brood with dozens of grandkids,” said Charmaine Brooks, head of the sales department. She suggested that since he was living in a cheap rented apartment, he begin

The family of your dreams can be had for as little as $499 a month.

Andy Gupta, 32, is a typical customer. The Chicago-based lawyer wasn’t speaking to his older brother, and his parents were retired and living in Florida. In less than six months, he had also lost his girlfriend, and his best friend got

“I’d rather be misled by NPR than lied to by Fox News.” 5

RELATIVES YOU CAN RENT, continued with the “Basic Family Sampler.” The Basic Family Sampler, which costs $499 a month, consists of a slightly alcoholic father, a Jewish mother puffed up on Botox, a sister in therapy and two senile grandparents. She was even nice enough to throw in a teenage daughter who hated him, for free.

Three months after Andy’s new family settled in, his “daughter” Ashley announced at the dinner table that she was three months pregnant and had to get married. “Great,” said Andy. “Another monthly rental mouth to feed.” The first thing he did was complain to Charmaine about renting him a defective daughter. Charmaine said that technically, Ashley’s pregnancy wasn’t a defect — it happens to lots of 16-year-old girls who ride with the Hells Angels — and that he’d have to rent Ashley, her baby and her old man as a set. She couldn’t split them up.

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With the money I save by not having to travel constantly to visit my real family, I can easily afford my rented one. And, unlike real relatives, I can terminate them any time I want.

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At Rent-A-Family, additional brothers and sisters are available for a minimum of three hours. Mothers-in-law, chain-smoking aunts and obnoxious next-door neighbors can also be rented by the hour, day or week. And everything customers spend on rental fees goes towards purchasing their “relatives,” should they wish to do so.

Additional “relatives” can be rented for a supplementary fee.

So Andy turned them in and rented another family he’s happier with. “I’m ecstatic,” he said. “With the money I save by not having to travel constantly to visit my real family, I can easily afford my rented one. And, unlike real relatives, I can terminate them any time I want.”

Since it had been so long since Andy had anything that resembled a normal conversation within a cohesive family, Charmaine also suggested that he start with the 900-Minute Plan. The 900Minute Plan lets customers spend up to 900 minutes a month conversing with any member of their rented family. After 9 p.m., they can talk to each other for free. Conversations on the weekend are unlimited and any minutes customers don’t use each month will roll over to the next.

currency where it converts to “over a million”; in this case, Somali shillings! (Forget the pirates and unspeakable atrocities and that you’d probably spend the money on bribing your way out of the country. You’re not really going there. The point is, just for a moment, you can feel like a million!)

TOP 10 APPS FOR DOWNSIZED LIVING by Stan Sinberg

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n case you haven’t noticed, it’s the time of year when there’s a top 10 list for everything! In fact, top 10 lists are one of the top 10 most popular things to read. And since we want you to read this article, we are abandoning our literary high-mindedness (which we don’t have anyway) and instead are presenting you with something you can really use. Since jobs never seem to on the national agenda no matter how poor everybody’s getting and the very wealthy don’t often care, we have a top 10 list of apps fit for these times.

Dennis Hale thought he could never afford to retire until the Instant Millionaire app determined he was worth a fortune in Somali shillings.

3. When things have taken a downturn, it’s easy to beat yourself up about certain decisions you made, and imagine what might have been. But it’s also time-consuming, because we tend to replay the same scenarios over and over. The Woulda Shoulda Coulda app takes care of that. By organizing all your missed opportunities, blown chances and roads not taken into one easy-to-read chart, now you can rake yourself over the coals efficiently, leaving you more time to start digging yourself out!

1. The next time you’re about to splurge on the “next big thing” that you just gotta have but can’t afford, turn to the Squishinator app, which will convince you, in no uncertain terms, that you don’t want it, don’t need it and you’re better off without it! This app pulls together derogatory remarks from disgruntled customers, snarky reviewers and cooler people than you who disdain this thing. Better yet, it saves you tons of money by sucking the joy out of anything you might be contemplating spending money on! Squishinator works just like that penny-pinching partner of yours, without all the attitude and lectures about what were you thinking and how about buying the kids some shoes before blowing money on some “stupid” new toy.

4. Who wins or loses a negotiation often depends on the leverage each party is perceived to bring to the table. Unfortunately for the downsized, their leverage is usually nothing, especially with their landlords. But with the Naked Pictures of Your Landlord app, the equation changes! NPOYL unearths all the embarrassing, illegal and misguided actions your adversary has posted — or someone else has posted about them — on Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and

2. For an instant pick-me-up, nothing beats taking the pitiful amount of money in your bank account and converting it to some even more pitiful foreign currency, where it looks like a lot of $$! The Instant Millionaire app inputs your lowly $650 life savings and searches for a 7

TOP 10 APPS FOR DOWNSIZED LIVING, continued

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other social media. The app then gathers these posts into one convenient “Extortionarium.” You’ll be amazed how you’ll be able to negotiate for cheaper rent when you allude to how you never realized your landlord was such a sexual pioneer until you came across some nude frat party photos. And by the way, how is Mrs. Landlord? Remember that in our new social media landscape, it’s not a shakedown. It’s “sharing.” Michael Ricci cut his rent in half with the Naked Pictures of Your Landlord app.

5. There are moments when having no job, no money and no life to speak of really stinks! But don’t despair. Oh, OK. Go ahead and despair if it makes you feel better, but then reach into your pocket and pull out the Miserable Millionaire app, which provides you with a photo and brief description of the most miserable, miscreant, misanthropic sorry-excuses-for-human-beings in existence who are millionaires. From Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers to former members of Congress turned lobbyists, the Miserable Millionaire app will supply you with an endless array of loathsome, vile and disliked individuals who are worth a lot on paper, but worthless as humanitarians.

Stan Sinberg/Crowden Satz

6. If you’re thinking that the only way that $10 date with the Girl of Your Dreams would’ve been twice as good if it had only cost $5, then the CheapDate app is for you! The CheapDate app not only directs you to the nearest museums, parks and public spaces where you can sit with your paramour without reaching into your pocket, it also supplies you with an original list of clever parries when your companion eventually catches on that you’re “cheap.” The Premium version of CheapDate enables men to search for women who consider guys who are broke “adorable” and “charming.” 7. Sure, modern Biblical preachers like Joel Osteen tout the value of accumulating kaboodles of cash, but old school spiritual figures like Gandhi, Mother Teresa and the Son himself — Jesus — sermonized about how rich in spirit poor schnooks like you are compared to actual rich folks. But how rich do you have to be to keep you out of heaven? Using an obscure algorithm found in the New Testament, the How Much Would Jesus Have app calculates that amount in today’s dollars so that you can adjust your financial affairs accordingly. After all, we know He got in. And because we’re all about downsizing, our top 10 list contains only seven apps!

“Savings? What about “spendings?” I have plenty of those!” 8

D O W N S I Z E D

R E A D I N G

TWEET YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY by Molly Dugger Brennan

ith everyone and his brother writing a memoir these days and the average attention span getting shorter and shorter, many would-be writers are turning to Twitter, a medium more suited to the fast-paced, overextended lifestyle of the American reader.

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Tweet Your Autobiography is based on the Twitter Fiction Festival, in which participants compete to come up with the best fiction in 140 characters. Some ambitious people are writing their memoirs or autobiographies in 140-character daily installments, thereby increasing their reach and popularity.

Last night I saw a guy at a party and knew he hanged me for theft 200 years ago. I just knew it.

Some Twitter autobiographers have become famous and have attracted millions of followers. So give it a try. You’ve got a life; why shouldn’t everyone know about it?

I died before I was born and had 800 kids. Yep.

Here are some notable entries:

Cute baby, adorable child, hot teenager, sexy woman, Miss February. Mistake at plastic surgeon. Now missing a nose.

I’ve lived with ADD all my life, and it’s not easy. Did you see that squirrel? It takes real effort to get through my day. I want pizza. Now.

I was a boy scout, honor roll student, valedictorian and featured in the Wall Street Journal. My parents are so proud. Don’t tell them I’m gay.

Born on a farm and stayed. Like it here. Safer than the city. My family is prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Lots of food and ammo. Keep out!

As a child, I thought marriage was perfect joy. Living in a Dodge Dart with three cats and my man is gone. If my name weren’t Joy, there’d be none.

I shot right out of that birth canal like a cannonball fired in the War of 1812.

My name is Ja N’et. I changed it from Janet when I became an actress. People tell me I’m good. I know I can be a big star if I just believe.

It’s going to take me forever to write my autobiography because I am reincarnated and have lived over 600 lives.

HOW TO F I ND THE CHEAPEST RELIGION:

Religions differ in upfront costs, rewards (instant and delayed), upkeep, and other matters. You may not have considered trading in your religion for another one in order to save money, but remember: believing is a matter of faith. When it comes down to it, you might decide to trade in that possible pie-in-the-sky for some definite piein-your-plate. To help you decide the price of

WHY SHOPPING AROUND MAKES SENSE IN TOUGH TIMES by Blair Adams

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f you’ve already traded in your lattes for regular coffee, downsized your cell phone plan so you no longer can call North Korea at 3 a.m. if the mood strikes you, organized your social life around free museum days and think, “Well, that’s it. There’s nowhere else I can economize,” then it might be time you thought about changing religions! Yes, while most people flock to a particular faith based on finding things like “truth” and “eternal salvation,” financiallystrapped folks are increasingly choosing their religion based on cost. Sarah McGrady converted to Catholicism in order to attend a church closer to home.

The Church of the Assumption is only a mile away, so I save time and money. And they have a much bigger parking lot.

your soul, and while acknowledging that different sects of a particular religion may have wildly varying requirements, let’s take a look at Christianity, Judaism and the Church of the Latter-Day Saints, brought into the mainstream by presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

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If the price of gasoline has led you to consider switching faiths, you’re not alone. Sarah McGrady, 30, of Roanoke, Virginia, a longtime Jehovah’s Witness, recently converted to Roman Catholicism in order to attend a church closer to home.

– Sarah McGrady

HOW TO FIND THE CHEAPEST RELIGION, continued Although her conversion shocked her family and friends in the tight-knit Jehovah’s Witness community, Ms. McGrady says she has no regrets. “The Church of the Assumption is only a mile away, so I save time and money. And they have a much bigger parking lot,” she said.

Since Jews only study the Old Testament and many synagogues are facing declining memberships, some congregations are also offering “Half the Bible for Half Price” deals to attract members. Schlomo Epstein, head rabbi at Temple B’nai David in Scarsdale, New York, said his “Half the Bible” campaign has brought in many new members. “It’s not a stampede like Black Friday, but the numbers are looking good,” he said.

Or you may find yourself being nickel and dimed to death. Christian churches typically request an annual pledge in addition to weekly donations to the collection. Add in the charitable Easter baskets, canned food drives and donations for building schools in Africa, and being a full-time Christian can get pretty expensive.

Norma Righetti, 45, is one recent convert. Raised Roman Catholic, she attended Mass every day until she lost her job as a bookkeeper and was forced to take another position at half her former salary. The priest at her church then told her not to worry about money. But to Norma, the guilt from not being able to fulfill all of her financial obligations to the church was intolerable, and she joined Temple B’nai David. “I still feel guilty,” she said. “But at least now, I’m with other people like myself.”

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If the Mormon faith strikes your fancy, the Church of the Latter-Day Saints is much more affordable now that the church has reversed its position on polygamy. The Church of the Latter-Day Saints also forbids the consumption of caffeine and alcohol, meaning you can save big by not spending your money on booze and four-dollar lattes at Starbucks. And instead of going to heaven after they die, followers get their own PLANET! Suck on that, all you other religions!

When Norma Righetti couldn’t keep up her financial obligations to the church she attended, she became a Jew.

Nevertheless, all this religious musical chairs has left leaders of all faiths confused. Ed Stone, a Mormon leader in San Diego, said a family came up to him after temple one day and said they were leaving the faith and converting to Islam in order to avoid the burdensome tithe. “It used to be you belonged to a faith based on tradition — your parents, their parents and your great grandparents belonged to it. Now religion is one big shopping mall. My God, how times have changed,” he said.

On the other hand, members of synagogues, like their brethren in Christian churches, also pay an annual pledge. But there is no weekly collection plate, cutting your costs significantly. Even with additional expenses from charitable giving such as Thanksgiving baskets, planting trees in Israel and other causes, you still come out ahead.

MENSCH REPORTED HIDING IN REMOTE CORNER OF ALASKA Tales of the creature’s exploits have stunned and bewildered people all over the country. The mensch is reported to have done such things as give up his seat to pregnant women and old people on public buses, return phone calls, show up at appointments and turn off his cell phone in public in order not to bother people.

by Blair Adams

ewish leaders are investigating reports of a mensch living on top of a mountain in a remote corner of Alaska. Donning mountain climbing gear and crampons, rabbis and representatives of Jewish federations from around the country are looking in the Aleutian Range for a creature that is becoming a matter of local lore as much as creatures such as Bigfoot, the

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“Mensch,” which means “fine, upstanding person” in Yiddish, is much sought after by those seeking to escape American social collapse. After wild rumors circulated on the Internet about students who began walking on all fours and then trashed a hotel in which their college formal was being held, Rabbi Jacob Aaron, leader of the expedition, said that he knew he had to act fast. If and when the mensch is found, he said, they hope to convince him to leave his hideout and come with them to start a colony somewhere in Brazil.

Rabbi Jacob Aaron is investigating reports of a mensch living in the Aleutian mountains. Stan Sinberg/Crowden Satz

Abominable Snowman or the Loch Ness monster. Conflicting reports of the mensch, which have been circulating for months, have described him as short and fat or eight feet tall and hairy. His origins are unknown, and sightings are rare, due to the fact that the mensch appears to have been driven to Alaska and takes great pains to avoid detection.

“I’m sure I’m living SOMEBODY’s dream.” 12

H O R O S C O P E S

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YOUR DOWNSIZED H O R O S C O P E

Gemini: (May 21 - Jun 20) Gemini is the sign of The Twins, and you have the bipolar personality to match. There’s nothing average about you! You are talkative, optimistic, unpredictable and easily bored. There are many paths to triumph in 2013 for you, playful Gemini, and those paths are labeled Thorazine, Abilify and Lithium. You are compatible with other Geminis. Honestly, don’t share your kind of crazy with any other signs. They’re simply not prepared.

by Molly Dugger Brennan

he year 2013 is full of promise as we all celebrate sidestepping the Mayan predicted Apocalypse of 2012. The Mayans were famous for their practical jokes, and this one was a Hall-of-Fame level gotcha. If their civilization had not died out centuries ago, we could all share a hearty belly laugh over this doozy. Now that we’re done with 2012, how are the planets aligning for 2013? What do the stars have in mind for you this year? Will your career take off? Will you find true love? Here are my predictions:

Cancer: (Jun 21 - Jul 22) Cancer is represented by The Crab. You are cautious, secretive and paranoid. You are well-suited to a career as an FBI agent or political operative and mainly move about at night. You are compatible in love with Scorpio, Pisces and people like Karl Rove.

Aries: (Mar 21 - Apr 19) Aries are courageous, energetic, willful and bold. Your ruling planet is Mars, which supports your charisma and leadership skills. This will be a stellar year for you. Your best career options are found in the military, beauty pageants and fitness training. In love, you are compatible with Sagittarius, Leo and anyone you meet at the gym.

Leo: (Jul 23 - Aug 22) The mighty Leo’s image is The Lion, and it’s ruling planet is the Sun itself. Leos are flamboyant, provocative extroverts. You are a natural televangelist or politician, able to charm or coerce people into throwing you their cash. You are attracted to all who describe themselves as “benefactors.”

Taurus: (Apr 20 - May 20) Taurus is the sign of The Bull. The stock market has not fazed you a bit, as slow and steady is your comfort zone. You are practical, dependable, persistent and somewhat possessive. If you’ve got it, you’re not sharing it, and that’s why you’re still able to keep your head above water. Bully for you, Taurus! In love, you are best mated to Capricorns, Virgos and hedge-fund managers.

Virgo: (Aug 23 - Sep 22) The symbol for this sign is a virgin, bless your heart. If Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) had a poster child, it would be you. Your attention to detail and organizing systems tend to make you extreme couponers and hoarders. Virgos are compatible with any other sign that exhibits OCD tendencies, like Capricorns. 13

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HOROSCOPE 2013, continued

Capricorn: (Dec 22 - Jan 19) The sign of The Goat produces people that are organized, meticulous and ambitious. You have workaholic tendencies and can be obstinate. You make wonderful office personnel but will be the first to blame someone else for whatever goes wrong. You are compatible with Taurus, Virgo and anyone in the next cubicle, since you’re at work all the time.

Libra: (Sep 23 - Oct 22) Libra is the only sign portrayed by an inanimate object, The Scales, and Librans have the metabolism to match. You have a strong sense of justice, civility and compassion. Your best career choices are public defender, social worker or doorto-door canvasser. You are natural mates to Aquarius and the pizza delivery boy.

Aquarius: (Jan 20 - Feb 18) The Water Bearer symbolizes Aquarius. Since the Fifth Dimension started singing their hit, “The Age of Aquarius,” in 1969, this sign adopted free love, idealism and social awareness as their mantra. Aquarians were voted most likely to say, “Don’t harsh my buzz, man.” People born under this sign are basically unemployable. You do make devoted members of the Occupy movement and can chant in tune for hours. You are compatible with anyone who is even mildly interested or available.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Scorpio is ruled by both Mars and Pluto and is the sign of The Scorpion. You are magnetic, passionate and a bit arrogant. Good news, Scorpios! You excel in any venture favored by trend-loving hipsters and would succeed as a micro-brewer, thrift store cashier or bass player in an obscure indie band. In love you’re compatible with Cancer, Pisces and any Brooklyn resident.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22 - Dec 21) The Archer is the emblem for Sagittarius, who is ruled by Jupiter. If you were born under this sign you are spirited, unstoppable, adventurous and love the adrenaline rush of working under pressure. Your most lucrative career paths are motivational speaker, drug mule or Robin Hood. You are compatible with Aries, Leo and Maid Marian.

Pisces: (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Pisces is the sign of The Fish and is ruled by Neptune. You are mystical, erratic, romantic, sensitive and kind. You do not like structure or routine and are possibly the only sign less employable than Aquarius. You are best suited for a career as a mermaid or book store employee. You are compatible in love with Cancer, Scorpio or anyone who is willing to play Prince Charming to your daydreaming Princess.

D O W N S I Z E D

I am hooked on the TV show, Hoarders. Where do they take all the wonderful stuff they confiscate from the homes? I’d love to get a few things for myself. — Shopper Mom

A D V I C E

by Molly Dugger Brennan

My boss is a hardcore Republican tea bagger. He is rude to our clients who don’t conform to his political views, and it’s killing the business. I need this job badly. What should I do? — Provoked in Provost

It is not easy to get your hands on the treasures that are loaded into the Got Junk trucks on Hoarders. It can be done, though. Go to the county dump early in the morning. Be prepared to elbow your way through the crowd of shoppers, professionally known as “the homeless.” Wear sensible shoes and loose clothing. As soon as management unlocks the gate, run to the biggest, shiniest pile you see, and start collecting.

There are many people just like your boss taking their postelection frustrations out on others, even if it hurts their own bottom line. Thankfully, there’s help. Baggers Anonymous Therapy Sessions with Holistic Intervention Techniques (BATSHIT) is open for business. BATSHIT will stage an intervention, kidnap your loved one or employer, therapeutically chain them to a basement wall and conduct extensive holistic reprogramming until the patient becomes a polite, compassionate human being. I understand there’s even a money-back guarantee. For more information, call 1-800-YOU-LOST.

I was evicted from my apartment and have been living out of my Toyota for a while. My dog lives in a dog crate strapped to the top of the car. This worked out fine until November; now everyone screams at me because the dog is on the roof. What happened? — Dog Lover in Des Moines You are a victim of the Seamus Effect. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney once roof-racked his Irish Setter for a long drive, and it became a miserable political liability. Now when people see a dog on a car, they think you’re cruel to animals or worse, a Republican.

My sister-in-law makes ambitious New Year’s resolutions every year, and what’s worse, she achieves her goals! I find it depressing and it even makes me angry when she brags about her weight loss, continuing education and money-saving triumphs. What can I do? — Comfortable on my Couch

My cousin had breast cancer 32 years ago and made a full recovery. She enjoyed the sympathy and attention so much that she shaves her head to this day. How can I get her to stop faking? — Frustrated in Fresno

How annoying of your sister-in-law to improve her own life so openly. Honestly, has she no shame? You can convince her to make fixing your life one of her resolutions, or you can burn her in effigy. But that would take a lot of effort, which you seem not to fancy.

Well, I must compliment your cousin’s persistence. Why don’t you make up your own story to counter her sad-sack routine? Say she shaves her head due to a rare, contagious strain of dandruff, she’s a new inductee to a cult or that she had a horrible hair salon accident. Have fun with it. 15