Chapter 7
Robin arrives back at the hospital rushing to Josiah’s room. She finds the resident physician notating Josiah’s chart. She began to pepper him with questions, which at first didn’t seem to bother him but after answering several questions, it became apparent, she was starting to irritate him. In a nasty, condescending tone, the resident ceases notating the chart, and turns to address Robin directly. “Ms. Martin, the chart indicates that your son is currently under the care of a mental health provider. I would suggest, you follow up with them for the rest of your questions.” “My name is not Ms. Martin, my name is,” he interrupted her before she could finish. “Oh, I’m sorry Ms. Martin I,” Robin returned the favour. “You what, you don’t listen? I told you last night I was Dr. Walters and I am, as you put it, his mental health provider.” Robin gestured doing air quotation marks with her fingers. The young doctor begins stuttering. “I am sorry Dr. Walters, I meant no disrespect. I just pulled a double shift so I am just a little tired. “I understand double shifts are a part of your residency, but forgetting can cost you a life.” “Yes, you’re right of course, but I just thought since you spent the night at his bedside that you were the mom.”
“Are you saying you haven’t seen his mom since he was admitted?” “The only person I have seen with this patient besides hospital staff, is you. That is why I assumed you were his mother.” I am sorry I forgot about meeting you last night but I was all over the place, even though that is no excuse Robin somewhat mollified, turned from the doctor and looked closely at Josiah to make sure he was still sleeping soundly. His breathing was deep and even. “May I see his chart please?” She asked. The young doctor quickly handed her the chart, which she perused, and handed back to him. “I see a child service representative is scheduled to see him later today, she said. “Would you happen to know what time that is scheduled to take place?” She spoke, moving around the bed checking Josiah’s urine output and legs for swelling. “No I don’t but the nurse on duty would be able to tell you that. I will tell her to step in and talk to you.” “Thanks, but that won’t be necessary. I can go out to the nurse’s station myself.” Robin left Josiah’s room and headed for the nurses station. After providing her hospital credentials, Robin got the information she needed and quickly headed back to Josiah’s room where she found him awake. “Hey you!” she said. “Are you feeling better after your nap?” Josiah just stared at her and she noticed how tired he looked. There were black circles under his eyes and he was as pale as a ghost. “Would you like something to drink? It said in your chart you are allowed to have clear liquids. Would you like some water?”
Josiah nodded his head affirmative. “I’ll be right back.” Robin stood to leave but a look of stark terror crossed Josiah’s face. Opening his mouth to speak, his words came out in a hoarse croak. “Don’t go, please.” “I wasn’t leaving. I was just going to get you a drink.” His eyes filled with tears as he repeated, “please don’t leave me Dr. Walters. I promise I’ll be good.” Robin felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach and she had no air to breathe. “Josiah, I won’t leave you. Don’t you ever worry about that.” Sitting back down Robin pushed the call button for the nurse’s aid but she never took her eyes off Josiah’s face. Tears continued to roll down his cheeks. It was as if a dam had burst. Robin took tissues out of the box and began dabbing his tears. In all the months he had been in therapy, she had never seen him cry, and it was devastating. He cried like his tears had no off switch. They had been there all along, but Josiah had refused to let them out, always thinking he had to be strong. Always putting his mother’s needs before his own, he knew she couldn’t handle his tears so he learned to lock them away deep inside, and to smile because she loved his smile. She had told him that once, so even when he wanted to cry, he smiled because that was what she wanted. He just loved her so much. He always tried to make her happy no matter what, but today, for some reason, he couldn’t keep them in. The more he tried to stop them, the harder he cried. He wanted to stop, he really did because he had come to love Dr. Walters too, and wanted her to like him-no he needed her to like him. He didn’t know what he would do without her. She was the only person
in his life that he felt really and truly cared about him. He understood his mother. He knew she loved him on some level but he also knew she was unable to give him the unconditional love his young soul needed in order to be free to be himself without fear of rejection. At 10-years old, he knew his mother’s love was inadequate but it was better than his father’s love which was non-existent, so he tried to make sure that he did everything in his power to keep her love around but sometimes it just got to be too much and that was why he couldn’t stop crying. He felt overwhelmed and afraid. He hadn’t seen his mother since they loaded him in the ambulance to bring him to the hospital. They had done all kinds of scary things to him in the emergency room. He kept telling them he wanted to wait until his mother got there but she never came so they stuck him with needles, put a tube down his throat, which made him feel like he was going to die because he couldn’t breath. They had given him something to drink which was so nasty it made him throw up until he felt like he was throwing up the inside of his stomach and still she had not come. He knew he had run her off with his weakness. She didn’t like sadness. She said she had enough of her own and couldn’t bear it if he was sad. He was sorry he took the pills but he just felt like it would be better for everyone if he were gone, especially for her. He knew he was a burden to her even though she never said so but she often mentioned how she wished she had waited to have kids. Josiah cried and Robin dabbed and cried with him. Josiah noticed Robin was crying and he immediately tried to go into protection mode and began apologizing.
“I’m sorry Dr. Walter’s, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I don’t know why I’m acting like a stupid baby.” “Is that what you think Josiah? You think if you cry, that you are acting like a baby.” “Yes ma’am.” Robin crawled into the bed with Josiah, puts her arm around him, and hugged him close. “Then let’s be babies today.” Josiah laid his head on her shoulder and cried like a baby. He cried for all the times he needed his mom and she wasn’t there. He cried for all the times she was there but he was invisible to her. He cried for the father who had rejected him for reasons he could not fathom. He cried for the woman who was his doctor who he wished was his mother. Josiah cried for all that was unfair in his 10-year-old world. He cried until no tears remained and promptly fell asleep.