The Lookalike virus We had the English comedian, now we have the Slovenian musician. Or is it Turkish? We’re lost. Anyway look at those pics of Onur from Turkey and a member of a Slovenian duo “Slon in Sadež”. It means “Elephant and Fruit”. And there’s a good joke behind the name of the reggae band (nice music btw). Here it goes.
“An elephant is sitting in a tree - and he asks the cherry: “Hey, you, cherry, aren’t you bored hanging in here?” And the cherry replies to the question of the elephant: “No, I’m a suicide cherry.”
“You can sleep when you’re dead” That’s the credo of EASA, right? We wonder what is the minimum quantity of rest that you can survive with. Some participants offered it was two hours early morning and one hour in the evening. Seems just fine… And last night was really worth every second of not sleeping! The “Kassa” deck was converted into a cinema. A movie “Black brush” was shown. Four guys cleaning chimneys, one guy lost all the money… went to drug dealer… a goat whose shit is a drug… won a lotto… goat ate the lucky numbers… and a happy ending. Sounds like Guy Ritchie. Anyways, during the movie the screensaver showed up on the wall, because somebody apparently forgot to turn it off before the start. So this one guy just looked to the guys responsible for the movie and shouted “You forgot the screensaver, YOU LOSERS!”. Dirrty. The talking t-shirts finally spoke up and invited a bunch of people (not all of them sadly – they really have a tiny space for their workshop) to a party. It took a nice stroll by the Danube to get there, and we were met by some hardcore techno sounds coming from the electricity generator. Amazed by that, one Latvian cutie looked at us
and said “You know what, I really like drinking. Why? Dunno, I just like being drunk”. Anyway, there were some nice t-shirts hung in the shop – some people have great design skills down here. We wonder if it is possible to bring your own t-shirt to the workshop and get stenciled? Give it a try. They said they are thinking about selling their t-shirts! Everyone who’s not a freshman in EASA was looking forward for the presentation of the Berguen’05 DVD. It was incredibly hot in the room, we could see sweat drops falling from our noses. And outside was occupied by the hardcore techno… but we survived and gave big applause to the slideshow of crazy pictures and weird videos of last year. Tilly, the chef, was given the biggest applause we think – what a master he was, what a master… and considering that he actually used work in a ship, he would be more than suitable here. The food complaints just never stop… Aaaaanyhow. There were some technical problems as the gas for electricity ran out, but while waiting for new gas to come Swedish organized a pyramid game. Is it their national thing? Brilliant job, Swiss team, it surely was worth the six months you spent on making the DVD. And everyone from last year will get a copy eventually… Danke. It was the “Thanks God it’s Friday” night yesterday, even though every day in EASA is like Friday, birthday and Christmas altogether. So another workshop “Szimpla kert”, led by Paul and Sabina and working on converting courtyards into cool public spaces, went for a stroll through best Budapest bars. The Dutch and Serbian tutors happen to live in Budapest, so believe us, they knew so well where they were taking their participants. The gang back really late, all very happy. We think Paul and Sabina won’t mind giving you some directions, if you are interested! And then in the very end of the night, which actually was a very bright morning already, and some people were doing their exercises (well they were not yet asleep to tell the truth) this handsome tutor showed himself up on the front deck, trashed, holding a glass of beer and vodka and redbull in his hands. He looked at his watch, thought for a moment, and went up for the quote of the day: “It’s Saturday mornin’… So it’s Sunday in Ireland!” Brilliant. And it’s Christmas in Russia, innit? One guy from Belarus accompanied the comedian by lifting an origami frog and kissing it. Sadly no princess showed up – only a bunch of drunk princes. P.S. AND IT’S THE GREATEST EVER NATIONAL NIGHT TONIGHT!!!
The Very Important Question of Saturday morning With the national evenings rapidly approaching, we here at Umbrella wanted you to be properly prepared: After a night of drinking some 10 to 20 samples of a collection of the worlds most horrible and toxic spirits, we’re pretty sure that waking up will leave you with head feeling like it was used as a bowlingball. Now to solve this multinational hangover, you of course also need an international hangover cure. Now based upon what countries you will be visiting we suggest you choose one, or a combination of the hangover cures below. Goodluck! russia “take 15 black pills of any kind, that really helps” according to yuri. Well yuri, we know russians are peculiar, but you just seem to a bit extra-peculiar. slovenia “Take one tablespoon of olive-oil just before starting drinking, it should help the alcohol from being absorbed”. Well that seems to be a lousy technique, obviously you’re not gonna get a hangover when you’re not getting drunk, but then whats the point in drinking? Another one: “Beer, of course. But no! I have a special recipe for a drink that you must take before going to sleep. You have to prepare lemonade with LOTS of lemons and honey, then put an aspirin pill and a multivitamin pill. I had this friend who used to eat dried bread while drinking, and he didn’t have a hangover.” niceragua now these are a rowdy bunch; they advise us to eat mondogo’s soup, which is a thick soup made from a cow’s stomach. With that one should drink a bottle of “ron plata”, which is a really cheap rum. And these should be taken in masatepe, which is a really cheap place. Well guys, we were looking for hangover cures, not ways to make it worse! turkey Now the turkish also advise us to eat a soup: Its called iskembe, and this time its a soup containing chuncks of sheeps guts! if thats not enough it should be eaten with loads of vinegar and garlic. It might solve your hangover, but the extremely bad breath resulting from it will probably leave you lonely for at least a week.
Gossip! You won’t believe this. The Latin American guys reported us a statistics from last year’s Cuban CLEA. TEN girls got pregnant during the event. Who wants to give it a try? The Europeans are welcome, and the presentation of ELEA will happen soon. This one is just as good. A polish couple managed to stay in “Szofia” after eleven, on the deck. They decided to go back at some time during the night. They were going down the stairs and they saw the captain of the ship, totally naked and drunk, sleeping on the floor. It would have been the picture of the year, but sadly no camera was around. Do you know you can use a BIBLE instead of rolling paper, you know what I mean? We heard some people down here think it’s the best choice because of the perfect structure of the paper. Paul from UK went to school with the beautiful Kiera Knightley! And he did see her naked. Find the details out yourselves.
italy italians dont really seem to have a mind boggling hangover cure, they just suggest we take coffee with salt. Well, you cant solve every problem with a cappucino guys... maybe those italian wussies just dont know what proper drinking is!
or squeezed.
sweden one would expect the swedish to be really good at curing their hangovers, we can’t imagine those dodgy home-brewn spirits leave you with a crystal clear head the next morning. But all they seem to be able to come up with, is drinking heaps of milk, at least two litres. They also advise drinking it with coco powder: Now we can’t really take that seriously as a hangover cure of course, its what you drink at your grandmothers!
Lithuania Cabbage soup, “Fanta”, liquid that’s left from pickles, sour milk, champagne, ah, anything will do!
serbia after a night of heavy drinking in serbia (which we previously revealed to involve taking a mere 3 martini’s), the resulting uptown-hangover can be solved by eating greasy fried eggs and yoghurt. That sounds like an avarage breakbosnia now the bosnians have a hangover cure that raises fast to me, i was at least expecting something some questions, they first fill a large drum with involving caviar and saffron. lettuces and acid. then they let it go sour over a period of two moths. the large quantities of liquid latvia that result from this process are said to take now the latvians have some strange hangoaway the pain quickly. This all seems like a rather ver cure: it’s called kefirs, and its basically large-scale and industrial process from a tradi- old milk, and you’re supposed to take about tional recipe; we wonder if bosnians also tradition- 2 litres of it. Now i suggest you’re near the ships railing when you choose for this cure, i ally drink their beers from conveyor belts? can imagine it wanting to come back out rather quickly. poland its called “cormshones” or something similar, the polish are just not that good at handwriting. Its a france sour cucumber usually stored in jars that you’re Coca-Cola, lots of water. Soup! Veggie... A supposed to eat while drinking vodka. The next good McDonalds, the biggest menu! The greasy morning, when the hangover strikes, you’re then fooood is so attractive when you hang over. supposed to drink the remaining liquids from the So, McD is the beeest. jar. netherlands “Don’t brush your teeth, get another beer. No, united kingdom jim suggest we take a bloody mary, on the rocks. brush your teeth with beer.”. No more kissing for those of you who are ignorant, its a cocktail for the Dutch! containing vodka, tomato juice, celery, sherry, salt norway and pepper. So we now know what Chris “3 litres jack daniels” “Oh… I just stay in bed for the whole day, havMaloney will be drinking on tuesday, the morning ing some chocolates and gummies... But it’s not a common habit, haha”. But we count it in. after his drinking match with the belrussians.
belarus the belarus advise us to take 3 oranges, and an unspecified amount of girls. Now the belarus didnt tell us if the oranges and girls should be peeled
Ireland “Uh, just ignore it… You know, mosquito bites – if ya scratch ‘em, it only gets worse. Same with the drinking. You just need to keep on goin’. “, said one of the heroes of drinking down here in EASA.
Hello my beloved lovers. I’ll just start with this letter we got today...
Dear Dr Love, I wish to remain namless (hi Chris M), but I was challenged to a drinking contest by the Belarus Crew. I find this challenge a tough decision to make for 2 reasons. Reason #1 - The feat (task) described in yesterdays issue of Ummmmmbrella was completed 2 full years ago when I was a much more seasoned (experienced) drinker, so I feel like this event would be a lot like Mike Tyson returning to the ring, for all the wrong reasons (!) Reason #2 is even more important, and this is the fact that I feel a close affinity to a certain special lady (who is it Chris?!), and am hopeful of our relations getting closer. Understandably I am worried what response I would get from her if I join such a debauched (terrible) day of drinking (what, like you do most nights you alchy basstaad?) Therefore I ask you for some guidance on this issue, from both a love perspective, and a health one, love coming first of course... Well nameless, thanks for writing in, I took the decision to move your letter to the top of the queue due to it’s time sensitive nature. Anyway, enough flip flap, lets get to responding to your clumsily phrased question. Firstly, while I am a Doctor (with a Doctorate Degree in Loveology) and I have a working knowledge of the human body, I should remind you that my expertise lies in matters of the heart, not the liver. However, since this issue is connected to love, and I’m such a nice guy (that’s right girls, what you hear is true) I will do my best to help you. Firstly the health issue - as you may know the recommended unit intake per week for a man is 21 units - my calculations show that 3 beers and 5 vodka
mixers (I’m being conservative) bring you up to an average of 154 units this past week, somewhat concerning I would say. Following on from this, the 3 litres which you are expected to drink is a whopping 300 units of alcohol! Let me put this into perspective, a beer is 1.5 units at least, and wine and spirits are around 2-3 units. So a small boozing session of 3 beers, and 5 small vodka mixers is about 22 units (your weekly dose) I think everyone here would be at least a little tipsy after that amount! Therefore on a health basis I cannot say that such an amount of drinking would be safe, although the upside is that you would die for your honour... On the more important love angle, I would again say that the 3 litres of Jack Daniels is not reccommended, as what you write about this mystery girl sounds sincere. If you die from drinking 3 litres (which you will) of a poor mans whisky (it’s more like Bourbon really) then she will surely not love a corpse - even though the alcohol will keep you almost perfectly preserved for about a month. So, here’s my final word on the issue, if you do choose to go ahead, I would say that it can be no more than 1 litre every 24 hours, and this with a lot of water. Even then this would be an incredible feat. Frankly and since you are appearing in every issue of this quality paper, I am beginning to get tired of this reading like the Chris Maloney Daily!
We sell space down here as well!
International Relations
A L EL
Finally, an update on “international relations” within NATO - the latest, oldest, silly or serious new meetings of culture (and other things) are:
B
Romania and Ireland Ireland and Hungary Macedonia and Ireland Slovenia and Sweden England and France Some old enemies and new friends there as you can see, and the Irish come storming in to take joint third spot with the Dutch, with the Romanians now on 3 as well, above Malta and England with 2 each. So, I hope that provides some tongue-wagging material for you guys! What I must say however is that I won’t give out names to anyone (anyone apart from beautiful girls) as if I do people will stop telling me the news - got it? Good! Love Doctor Out.
Lighters! Smokers on the boat (does anyone not smoke here?) should look out for personalised stickers for their lighters - both to make losing them harder, and allowing people to say things like “I slept with Elvis last night” or “Give me Marylin Monroe back” These are again being sponsored by the British team, so perhaps you’ll forgive them
r
shocking workshop newsflash!
Quotes of the Day
public to common: it sounded like the kindest, and most well meaning of all workshops, but today events took twist to the bizarre.
Jenny from Finland “I’ve been drunk since birth”
The workshop was organised in a rundown courtyard, featuring dead animals and loads of trash, surrounded by housing for the poorest. The idea was to clean this courtyard up, and to turn it into a nice playground for the local children. In the process
for their many many terrible sins...“
Wouter from Holland “Oh no, I don’t have a quote for you - my head is finished” Christopher from Malta “Can you imagine the Pope (John Paul II) in goals? Putting off the penalty takers with his shaking?!”. Another one from him: “Can I use your girl?”. Yet another: “I can’t believe I am staring into an Irish cock and it is smiling back!”.
Opinion Poll
Tomorrow morning we are sailing, our dear readers. Everyone willing to be a pirate and occupy a castle should check-in and pay in Zsofia at 9. The departure is at 9.30. On board we will be supplied with breakfast, dinner, hangover recovery,movies and other cool stuff. AND THEN THERE’S FOOTBALL! Concert, all the other different stuff... 3000 forints each. Also very important: If you don’t want to come, please write your name on the list at the entrance of the dining room. The IT lab will be closed, and dinner will be served for those registered only. Bye!
of painting the walls of the courtyard they even involved the local children. The walls were splashed with buckets of bright coloured paint, and that is where things went sour. A local gypsy woman came out of the buildings shouting in hungarian. she was arguing that the paint was bad for the children as it was not on water-base. It would get into their eyes and lungs, and it would ruin their clothes which would be too expensive to replace. Things escalated when a large group of muscular hungarians with tattoes came outside, but it didnt get to a full fight because the police arrived. One norwegian girl had been lightly injured when a bottle filled with water was thrown into the group of easa-participants, and an ambulance had come to take one of the children to the hospital. The local gypsies argues that the problem was that “you don’t know what its like to have children”, and threatened: “if you ever return here we will stab you to death!”. It isn’t clear yet what will happen to the workshop, if it will continue, stop or move to another location. We’ll keep you informed.
WEATHER FORECAST (URGENT! BAD! TERRIBLE!) On the last minute of editing we were reported of the worst gossip ever. It is gonna rain for 2 days. Two. Two long and wet days, one of them is a boat trip. $&%#^@%^&%$@.
on todays breakfast at Heroes Square revealed a rather interesting break up of thoughts on the meal after asking a significant number of participants, it was split 3 ways exactly!
SHOPPING MAP!
The editor is shocked about the popularity of her new lego earrings and vinyl bag, so she is gladly revealing the hot hot hot shop very close to EASA. It is marked number 10 in this “shop til you drop” map of Budapest and it is called “Eclectic”. All the other ones marked here are sooooo hot as well. So head there guys and just buy all of those most architectural earrings ever for you, your sisters, girlfriends and teachers.
easa