6 minute read
BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
Who said there is no more romance in the world? No fish in the sea? No way back from a rocky road after an avalanche? This is why this month we are joined by our relationship and dating experts for ExPats in the Algarve. Terry and Terri of “Algarve Advanced Relationships, Dating, Crisis Management and Peoples’ Technologies” join us to discuss living, loving and laughing in the 21st century!
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We are pleased to meet you Terry and Terri! First of all, why did you set up your dating and relationship agency?
Terry: Moving from Chigwell, Essex to the Algarve, our single friends would often say, “Terry and Terri”, “how do you do it”? Being so romantic, in love, wise and beautiful and buff in your fifties”! “If only we could be like you”... Terri: Yes, so we self-qualified ourselves as experts and thought after a stretch of motivational love talks, how we could help our feeble minded, lonely and unlucky in love friends”!
Oh, wonderful! And the technologies description in your company description, what does that mean?
Terri; “Oh darling! We are always on the lookout for new technologies to help relationships and the lonely. We find if people are in conflict in their relationships, a good behavioural technique is using shock collars with your partner, when you are mutually annoyed by each other. The shocking becomes so frequent that we induce a Stockholm Syndrome of fatigue and fear, so people learn not to shock each other and cower rather than argue. That is when true romance can begin when people are nearly ready to divorce! The collar cannot be removed unless by a surgeon. Terry: And for other customers, ones that fail our single nights and our dating agency and have a litany of failed relationships are are, well getting less attractive, advances in AI and sex dolls can really help! Recently, during the Euro football tournaments, we had many rave reviews from male customers. We present them with our authentic Japanese sex dolls who are programmed to cheer to their partners team and reward them with a beer out of their advanced refrigerated torso and flatter them whatever the result! It is very advanced stuff!
Wow, I like the sound of that! Sign me up! But I also read about your incredible single events. Why would you advise lonely ExPats to attend?
Terri: Well we know it is hard for people to find a soul mate so perfect such as my Terry Teddy Bear, the rarest form of love. Terry: I love you babes…! Terri: You too squidgy bear! Well, our friend Captain Eddy has a boat, we literally call our love boat! Through our advanced interrogations and Cosmo quizzes, we match singles by whoever signs up and put them on our sensual, sensuous boat tour experience. Anyone who hasn’t copped off by the end of the night is thrown overboard! And we all cheer!
Wow, that must be a challenge for some people!
Terry: We do give them life jackets!
Oh, er… OK and we hear you run other events that are more spiritual?
Terri: Yes, our good friend Beanie Kundalini runs naked Yoga sessions, ending in a very liberal form of intoxicated ayahuasca ecstatic dancing that commences after the vomiting. We also do past life regression events, where we bring forward matches from the past life, be they were Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra or Hercules or maybe Braveheart in their past lives. We find people find love when they release the shackles and go back a few centuries under hypnosis to the clichés of who they were before! Like true soulmates who knew each over centuries back, every time!
That sounds, well, beautiful.
Terry: Yes and for our introduction services, we use a Photoshop wizard and recommend plastic surgery to the ugliest of ducklings. We do say however, if there is a photo discrepancy from the photo, it is best to join our ‘dating in the dark’ evenings! Thereby the only image the date has in their mind is the one they show and we can mutually disappoint them both! Terri: Oh and Terri don’t forget to highlight our Gold-diggers Platinum service. We give our Platinum Members a full financial and health itinerary of their prospective ‘Millionaire’ date as well as legal support to avoid prenups. We find these younger clients, like older clients with complicated health issues and a preparedness to change their wills!
That sounds very romantic! What if people want real love and the spark back in their relationship?
Terri: We advise them to have things like naked Sushi nights eating off each others body. Though the pandemic has stopped that for a while, so as sex therapists, we Zoom them and advise them on all sorts of Kink and sex therapy. Terry: Yeah I really enjoy that bit! Terri: It is very edifying and it does please Terry’s inner voyeur! (Terry looks flushed and starts salivating).
So how do people find you for this invaluable service?
Terri: Well aside from the escort agency we run, our therapeutic services can be found on www.lovetechnology.orgasm because we have many happy clients who are happy they have fit us into the agendas of love and filled themselves with our overflowing advice! We always say “Terry and Terri square is the root of love” so take a shot!
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