BAD ADVICE...
Ask the
Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
T
his month, we sought East Algarve's premier astrologer (we found her printed details under our windscreen wiper). Ida Dannae promises insights into the planetary movements of 2022. What is pulling your signs chain, will it be a floater or a flush for you? Ida brings her best Cockney wisdom to how "shit *might* go!" From Clapham, to Catford UK, to Monte Gordo, she is going to let you have it, warts and all! Aries - March 21 to April 20 Though you can be fun, what a moody Barney Rubble! With Mars making you extra scrappy in 2022, you better calm down and jump in the
ocean! For good luck this year, consider the colour cream, and pour it on everything, don't mind the waistline just treat yourself and make it thick. Your lucky symbol this year is a key. If you find one, you never know what it might open, so refuse to leave. Lucky drink - Vodka Red Bull and it will get you noticed, but don't overdo it or you'll be ramming unbearable! Taurus - 21 April to 20 May Pig-headed as you are, you might have cause to shut your trap to gobble love. Venus is warning you of a spanking if you close up and dig your heels in. Learn your lesson! Dream hard this year and never let your purse touch the floor or it will fall empty. Your lucky colour is peach, so imagine getting that slapped. Be elegant and drink Red Wine. Not the cheap box rubbish as that makes you a smart-ass, but sparingly, fine wine, over €2 a glass
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Gemini - 21 May to 21 June You say you are straightforward! Well that's you falling into your own pony and trap! Mercury is having an off-year, so you better check both ways before crossing the road! If you were a superstition, it would be crossing your fingers, to remind you of your right hand. This year orange is your lucky colour, so squirt it all over yourself, and make your tan extra glowing. Your lucky drink is an Amber Beer. Soft and steady, reflect slowly on your glass. You have the time of two for you. Cancer - 22 June to 22 July The moon is playing tricks on you this year, so don't lose your shell at night as tides of emotions roll high. You are defensive, but sweet on the inside. I recommend staying out of hot water and avoiding overcooking your salty side. Avoid cracks in the sidewalk as it might shatter your shell. This year your lucky colour is wearing white, so get out your sailing apparel! Your lucky drink is a Margarita but don't overshoot the tequila, or you'll be a crabby wet squealer. Leo - 23 July to 22 August Bloody hell! It is not always about you! You might think you are the bees knees, but sometimes take your hands off of the honey! Ruled by the sun, watch your flares and no, not jeans, but the snarling fanged one! For a talisman, wear an evil eye as you definitely have some haters! Wearing yellow will brighten that disposition and tame your mane. Your lucky drink is Champagne, but don't
lose your crown by being too showy, if you can help yourself! Virgo - 23 August to 22 September Oh, you can be so damned critical, so calm that down or you'll be known as that dental flosser! Your superstition for 2022 is trying to "hold your breath in a tunnel!" It might quiet your talented, but demanding mind. Remember to eventually open your gob, hopefully with something nice to say! Your lucky colour this year is mint green. It is a calming colour they often use in institutions. Think about that and wear it! Your lucky drink is Creme De Menthe, drop some ice, freshen that breath and chill out! Libra - September 22 to October 23 You can be a showboater, but try to be a little less Sexton Blake. You've lots of energy, but your personality is often seen far too rarely and some might forget you have one at all. When Venus plays with romance, you can be far too horny and needy. Sometimes, put it away and take a cold shower. Knock on wood for good luck this year, but don't release the worms. Support yourself in the colour of green, calm green, not your green-eyed monster. This year your lucky drink is Vinho Verde, with a little bubble, but not for show. Scorpio - 23 October to 21 November Some say you've got a little butter on your nutter and that you'll fling your sting like a wing. Pluto and Mars make you, well a little Jekyll and Hyde, but the nicest part is loving and very deep! For good luck, always make eye contact
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