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Summer and Substances
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DECISIONS, DECISIONS...
How Can We Prepare Our Children to Make Responsible Choices? » Parenting with Dual Families » Talking to Your Child About Drugs and Alcohol » Five Technology Rules Every Parent Must Follow BROUGHT TO YOU BY
INSIDE SPRING/SUMMER 2021
FEATURES
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Decisions, Decisions...How Can We Prepare Our Children to Make Responsible Choices?
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Parenting with Dual Families
Talking to Your Child About Drugs and Alcohol
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Five Technology Rules Every Parent Must Follow
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Summer and Substances
IN EVERY ISSUE
2 From the Director 5 The Kitchen Table 10 Faces in the Crowd 11 40 Developmental Assets 12 Assets in Action 18 Q&A / By the Numbers PRODUCED IN CONJUNCTION WITH BROUGHT TO YOU BY
TO ADVERTISE OR CONTRIBUTE Julia Mees: safedfc@gmail.com
COVER PHOTO BY Wandering Albatross Photography excelsiorspringssafe.com
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Director H FROM THE
ABOUT EXCELSIOR SPRINGS SAFE (Substance Abuse-Free Environments) Excelsior Springs SAFE (Substance AbuseFree Environments) is a community coalition made up of people who live in or work in Excelsior Springs. We are one of the many coalitions throughout the Northland working to prevent youth substance use. We do this through education, advocacy, media campaigns, and environmental change. Our Mission: Through community involvement, leadership, and the sharing of resources, Excelsior Springs SAFE works to reduce underage drinking, nicotine and other drug use, violence and other negative behaviors and improve the lives of all Excelsior Springs citizens. If you would like to join us in our mission, please reach out to Julia Mees, Program Director, at safedfc@gmail.com.
LEARN MORE ABOUT SAFE Website: www.excelsiorspringssafe.com Facebook: facebook.com/ESSAFE
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ello, Excelsior Springs! Welcome to our Spring/ Summer edition of Youth Connections! This magazine is distributed by Excelsior Springs SAFE as a way to support parents and caregivers and provide positive prevention information to the community. This edition is full of great information for families about JULIA helping kids make good decisions (pg. MEES 7) and about being a caring adult in their lives. There are some helpful resources on pg. 15 for navigating parenting through divorce, and check out pg. 16 for tips on talking with your kids about drugs and alcohol. Consider your own social media habits and how these influence your kids (pg. 21) and plan ahead for summer and helping your teens stay substance-free (pg. 23). We want to take a minute to thank all those in the community who work every day to make a positive impact. We’ve highlighted some local superstars in our Faces in the Crowd section (p. 10), and be sure to take a look at the Assets in Action section (pg. 11) to see some local kids doing great things! Take a minute to familiarize yourself with the 40 Developmental Assets. What role can you play in building Developmental Assets in kids throughout Excelsior Springs? We’d love for you to submit a photo of your own child displaying one of these 40 Assets by emailing it to safedfc@ gmail.com. Parents, facing the challenges of parenting isn’t easy, whether you have preschoolers, tweens, or teens, but pat yourselves on the back, give yourself grace, and keep doing the best you can each day. Caring adults make a huge difference in the lives of kids. Thank you for being one of those adults! As we head into summer, let’s work together to keep all of our local youth safe and help them to meet their potential. Take a minute today to be a positive influence in the lives of local youth. It’s an investment in the futures of our kids and our community!
JULIA MEES, PROGRAM DIRECTOR safedfc@gmail.com
KH Consulting WWW.KHALFHILLCONSULTING.COM
Supporting mission-driven organizations and the people who lead them through team building, strategic planning, volunteer management, and leadership coaching.
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Gain Leadership, Communication, Public Speaking Skills
CLAY COUNTY 4-H
With over 50 t different projec areas, there is H something in 4for YOU
d row, an G , e g a sts, Eng n Conte es in i e v r e S c onferen ion, C , s p m g Ca nty, Re the Cou ate Level and St Participate in the annual County Fair
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Get more involved in your community
Make new friends and memories while learning how to be a Future Leader
PARENTS HAVE PO WER! ParentUpKC.com
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CONFESSIONS FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE Editor’s note: With more and more youth struggling to be mentally well, we wanted to share the story of a family who has lived it, and they too, hope their story can help others. We want to thank the family for sharing their journey.
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hen I used to lay my middle daughter down in her crib to sleep, joy would course through my heart at her remarkable being. She was another picture of a healthy, happy child, and I delighted in her very being. As a parent, I worked so diligently, so purposefully to provide her with everything she needed to grow up healthy, happy, and resilient. Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed that at the age of 14 she would struggle for her life, and that I would be navigating counselors, emergency rooms, psychiatric hospitals, and residential boarding schools. In a society where parents are easily blamed, I would also come to terms with the fact that I was not to blame for this struggle. In honesty, there was no one single factor I could blame and the navigation would be long, arduous, rewarding, emotional, and deeply personal. As a parent whose child struggles, I now share a story in which watching for red flags, seeking proper interventions, and taking care of myself have defined a difficult journey in which joy remains available. As a parent, I want my children to balance independence and interdependence, to find and implement what works for them. I want to support their choices. However, when the choices become self-limiting and harmful, it does not happen overnight. Watching
for red flags is not black and white, but looking at the entire picture over time, to developing patterns is essential to early intervention. The following red flags, when combined, are beneficial for knowing when outside intervention is needed: WITHDRAWAL. Withdrawal can take many forms. In general it is movement away from what was previously enjoyable such as activities, positive friendships, family engagement, and school. It is wise to watch for any changes in these areas of life while considering other possible red flags. Withdrawal from anything that promotes thriving could lead to a life of surviving. ACADEMIC REGRESSION. I had not hovered over my children because they had established patterns of responsibility within their academic experiences. However, when other factors presented, I chose to research what was happening academically. To my dismay, my daughter’s grades, across all subjects, had transitioned from As and Bs on daily assignments and tests to a series of 0s and Fs. Although I would have liked a teacher to reach out and ask questions, I learned when I communicated with them, that they feared my response. This was clearly an indicator that something had changed. SELF-HARM. Self-harm comes in multiple forms. For us, it was cutting that was discovered by her sister. However, alcohol, drugs, sexual activity, picking, pinching, and extreme risk taking are behaviors that create a feeling. It was through this discovery that she was able to verbalize that she couldn’t “feel,”
meaning she could not recall when she had last experienced happiness, sadness, anger, or fear. She simply felt empty and cutting allowed her to feel. PEER CULTURE. For my daughter, she withdrew from healthy friendships, justifying a move into a negative peer culture with friends who had little adult supervision, little motivation to succeed, and lots of motivation to oppose adult intervention. This ultimately led to complete isolation from any healthy friendships into a single relationship which was defined by emotional manipulation and rebellion. Once negative peer culture surfaced, as a parent, I lost most any influence I had except for further isolating her to home and school without any peer interaction. This is an unhealthy and dangerous position for adolescents to be. Even with school support, she made harmful choices within the school that resulted in us making a difficult decision to remove her and complete her year at home. SUICIDAL/RUN AWAY RISK. Twice in our journey, the risk of imminent harm surfaced with the second resulting in an emergency room visit and admission to an acute children’s psychiatric unit to ensure her safety. As suicidal risk declined and she returned to the same setting, her thoughts shifted to running away. The common thread was that she was looking for an escape. As my daughter’s red flags appeared, I worked hard as her mother to provide and seek effective interventions. The next installment of this series will look at those interventions. ■
YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR STORY AT: safedfc@gmail.com For many of us the kitchen table represents the typical family experience. We have laughed while having family game night. We have cried over our children’s choices. We have blown out the candles on many cakes. We have argued our way out of doing the dishes. We have struggled through those “three more bites.” We have learned hard lessons and celebrated many deserved successes. One thing is for sure though—if our kitchen tables could talk, there would be plenty of stories! So often it is in relating to others’ stories that we realize there isn’t always one answer, or even a right answer. Parenting is hard work! If you have a story of lessons learned, we invite you to share it with our readers. Sometimes, knowing we aren’t the only ones struggling to find the answer is all the help we need.
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decisions, decisions
How Can We Prepare Our Chi to Make Responsible Choices By JENNIFER MILLER, M.ED.
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ildren s?
“I don’t like playing anymore, but all my friends are joining the team again,” relays my eleven-yearold son, Ethan, voicing his debate over whether to commit to another season of baseball. He has played for a number of years cultivating valuable friendships along the way. But, as he’s grown, the coaches, parents, and kids alike have become more competitive. And so too has the pressure.
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than has enjoyed the game less as the emphasis on performance has increased. This spring, he was faced with the challenging decision: Do I continue to do something I’ve always done because my friends expect me to or do I follow my interests and motivation? Children are at the very beginning stages of developing decision-making skills. They grow from basing decisions on chance with games like “Rock, Paper, Scissors” or “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe” to weighing pros and cons like whether to rejoin a baseball team that’s grown stressful. Then, in the teen years, youth face tempting risks like whether to follow peer pressure to try alcohol despite the fact that most parents — as confirmed in a recent survey of Missouri parents — disapprove of underage drinking. Children will increasingly have to decide when to accommodate friends, when to assert their needs, when to show care for others, and when and how they should think ahead about consequences that might result from their actions. Young children rely on adults to establish and enforce the rules. Their central concern focuses on their own safety and secure attachment to their parents and educators. But, by the age of nine, children move to the next stage of moral development in which the care of others and their social relationships takes priority. This is also a time when children begin inventing their own rules among their peers through games. They weigh social values when decision making like belonging to a friend group, contributing to a team, or meeting parent and teacher expectations, comes into play. This new level of decision making is aided by the fact that children gain the ability to continued on page 9
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see from others’ perspectives. This empathy is a skill that requires lots of practice. You may hear your child trying to read others’ minds but not exactly hitting the mark with their inferences: “Wendy stared at me in the hallway. My hair must look so weird today.” But actually Wendy was consumed with her own worries. She was staring aimlessly lost in her thoughts, not taking notice of your daughter’s hair. We can help by offering our own empathy for our child’s feelings and questioning negative perceptions: “I hear you’re feeling upset that she disapproved of your hair. Are you sure? Could it be that she was just having a bad day?” Children around eight years old also gain the added decision-making support of selftalk. Though we, as adults, may view that inner voice as a way to criticize ourselves for our imperfections, in fact, it serves a critical self-regulating role. Instead of a child requiring a mom to warn her not to go near a hot fire, your child begins to tell herself, “Danger! Don’t go near the fire,” and guiding herself. She’s learned from years of hearing your warnings, and whether or not you are present to guide her, it’s been internalized. This is why our eights, nines, and tens seem more competent and trustworthy. Their internal warning system has been turned on, and they have enough life experience to help them avoid danger and make positive choices. What does it mean to teach our children responsible decision making? The Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning defines it as “the ability to make constructive and respectful choices about personal behavior and social interactions based on considerations of ethical standards, safety concerns, the realistic evaluation of the consequences that stem from actions and the wellbeing of self and others.” Children do not automatically connect their actions to a reaction. Yet, authentic responsible decision making requires consequential thinking. Preparing our children for independence in future years will require us to offer them numerous small chances to make decisions so that they are ready for the big choices to come. In fact, our children’s brain development will not solidify the rational, logical thinking required of the adult years until they are in their early to mid-twenties, so our ongoing practice of little choices helps strengthen those neural connections.
So, how can we prepare our children at any age to make responsible decisions? Here are some suggestions: 3-5-YEAR-OLDS: Offer frequent, limited, authentic choices. Young children are working on mastering numerous everyday life tasks like getting shoes on or putting toys away though they are not yet fully competent. These can add up to daily frustrations as a child refuses help while asserting, “I can do it myself!” Instead of getting sucked into daily power struggles, why not offer your child a sense of control, the chance to exercise their burgeoning skills as well as gain valuable practice in making small choices? Be certain both options are acceptable to you so that the choice is truly theirs to make. The most mundane of options — “Do you want to pick up the Lego set or books?” — can offer your young child a sense of agency and the motivation to go with it. So, think twice before you go ahead and grab the pink socks. Instead, discover the power of offering, “Will it be pink or red today? You choose.” 5-7-YEAR-OLDS: Become informed and establish rules together. As children are learning the rules of school, it’s a perfect opportunity to discuss home rules. What are some important principles your family values? Keep it simple and positive — what to do, not what not to do. “People before screens” is a favorite in our family. Then, as you go about your everyday life, talk about how it applies. When friend Aidan comes to the door to play, we turn off screens and take advantage of the play opportunity. Also, get into the habit of becoming informed together. Why should you limit screen time? Do you know how unlimited screen time can impact a child’s growing brain? Research and learn together. Then, create rules collaboratively. Your child will learn that in order to make responsible decisions, it’s important to become informed first and learn the relevant facts. 8-10-YEAR-OLDS: Learn about social justice and fairness issues. In the Highlights State of the Kid survey of 2,000 U.S. kids, ninety-three percent of 6-12-year-olds said they would take action if they saw someone doing or saying something mean. Because of our children’s raised social awareness at this age, it’s an ideal time to introduce them to issues of fairness around the world. Why are some people treated unfairly because of learning differences, color, creed, or mate
preference? How can we reflect on these issues expanding our children’s circle of concern? And, how can we guide them to act with compassion since clearly they have the desire? Begin in your home community by identifying areas of need and working as a family to find ways to act with kindness, to include those who are excluded, and to serve others in need. 11-14-YEAR-OLDS: Follow through on repairing harm. Children make mistakes in order to learn, and sometimes those choices can harm others. Whether it’s hurt feelings or a broken toy, in order to learn responsibility our children need to repair the harm they’ve caused. Our children might naturally react by shying away from the person they’ve harmed, hoping that time will cure all. That’s why our support is critical. How can we help them follow through by mending a broken fence or by offering a sincere apology? If we assign a punishment such as, “Go to your room! You’re grounded!” Or “No iPad for a week,” we miss the opportunity to teach the natural, real world outcomes of their behavior that always exist if we pay attention. How will our child learn consequential thinking when we teach them that breaking a neighbor’s china teacup equates to no iPad for a week? Our angry child will come to the conclusion that we are simply trying to cause them pain. They cannot see any logical connection because there isn’t one. Instead you might say, “You broke Mrs. Jackson’s teacup when you were throwing the ball in the house. How do you think you could repair it as well as the relationship with Mrs. Jackson?” If their idea is safe and reasonable, support it by guiding alongside them as they follow through on actions and words to repair harm caused. If you help your child reflect thoughtfully on their choices, you’ll create a habit that will serve them for a lifetime. Discuss what their highest priorities are and how this choice does or does not align with them. Share your own family values and how they impact your decision making. Most importantly, project ahead to the future. If you choose to play on the team, how will you feel in August at your final game — happy or burned out? As parents, we frequently face the most challenging decisions of our lives in raising our children to be confident, compassionate, and independent future adults. As we guide our children to practice taking responsibility through their everyday choices, we take essential steps toward that greater goal. ■
About The Author: Jennifer S. Miller, M.Ed., author of the popular site, Confident Parents, Confident Kids, has twenty years of experience helping adults become more effective with the children they love through social and emotional learning. She serves as a writer for ParentingMontana.org: Tools for Your Child’s Success, a statewide media campaign to educate parents on social and emotional learning. Her book, “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence in Ourselves and Our Kids — From Toddlers to Teenagers” is available now for pre-order. excelsiorspringssafe.com
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Check out who’s standing out in our community. IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE? Please email safedfc@gmail.com and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.
Madeline Andreasen
FACES IN THE CROWD
EXCELSIOR SPRINGS MIDDLE SCHOOL, 8TH GRADE
Madeline is a model student at Excelsior Springs Middle School. She is an extremely responsible student who all teachers enjoy having in class. Madeline goes out of her way to make sure other students are helped and is constantly looking for ways to make the middle school a better place. As a WEB Leader, Madeline assists 6th grade students with their transition to the middle school and any technology needs that they might have. Outside of the classroom, Madeline participates in multiple activities for the Tigers. Thank you, Madeline, for being such a positive role model!
Jacey Brewer
EXCELSIOR SPRINGS HIGH SCHOOL, JUNIOR
Jacey is a one-of-a-kind junior at Excelsior Springs High School! She is wise beyond her years, driven in all aspects her life, and is truly a model citizen, student, and athlete. Jacey has achieved Principals’ Honor Roll throughout her time at ESHS and is a member of National Honor Society. She competes as a varsity athlete for cross country, wrestling, and track and field. Outside of school, Jacey is the founder of Small Town Sidekicks, a non profit organization that focuses on providing toys and supplies to kids and families in need. The organization primarily benefits Children’s Mercy Hospital, to whom they recently donated nearly $1000 in Happy Kits. We are so proud of Jacey and can’t wait to see what her future holds!
Taylor Lane
SCHOOL COUNSELOR
Ms. Lane’s colleague writes: “Taylor is an incredibly positive person who always sees the best in people. In her role as School Counselor, she is constantly working with young people to help them see the best in themselves. Taylor is a loving and dedicated professional who takes the time to make the young people she works with feel truly valued. I cannot think of a person more dedicated to helping young people meet their potential. Taylor is an incredibly passionate ally for youth. She goes above and beyond to make sure the young people she works with have the resources to succeed. She cares deeply for their emotional and mental well being and it shows in how hard she works for her students.”
Excelsior Springs Early Childhood Center Staff
The staff at the Excelsior Springs Early Childhood Center does an amazing job of working with their students. The students eagerly leave the car/bus each day and are greeted by staff and escorted into the building. They work diligently each day to teach not only educational skills, but also social-emotional skills. Almost all of the staff has either attended Conscious Discipline 1 Training or attended multiple professional development opportunities for Conscious Discipline. This has allowed them to further create a safe and loving environment for kids. The staff recently won SAFE’s Community Champion award for encouraging positive “Bonding to School,” which was the Developmental Asset of the month. Thank you, ECC staff, for all that you do for kids and families!
Big Brothers Big Sisters Kansas City
YOUTH-SERVING ORGANIZATION
Big Brothers Big Sisters Kansas City (BBBSKC) serves the Excelsior Springs area. BBBSKC works to clear the path to a child’s biggest possible future by matching them with a caring, adult mentor in a one-to-one friendship. “Bigs” help “Littles” ignite, empower, and defend their potential by standing with them. Last year, 100% of the Senior Littles graduated high school, 83% reported improved self esteem, and 71% reported improved grades since being matched. BBBSKC is currently recruiting “Littles” in 2nd-11th grades as well as “Bigs.” If you already are mentoring a child and would like to sign up as a pair and receive support from BBBSKC, that’s an option too. Learn more at www.bbbskc.org.
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I may not say it, but I still need you to help keep me safe. The rules you set and the relationship you have with your teen make a BIG difference in the decisions teens make. Talk to your kids about your no-use expectations around substance use.
Need help? Find tips and tools at ParentUpKC.com!
40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS 40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior. Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start. Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.
Turn the page to learn more! The 40 Developmental Assets® may be reproduced for educational, noncommercial uses only. Copyright © 1997 Search Institute®, 615 First Avenue NE, Suite 125, Minneapolis, MN 55413; 800-888-7828; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.
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assets in action
40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS
8 SUPPORT
Spencer and Christian help unload commodities at Good Samaritan Center
1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support. 2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s). 3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults. 4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors. 5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment. 6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.
EMPOWERMENT
7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth. 8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community. 9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week. 10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.
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BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS Hope proudly shows her well-earned golf medal
Time with extended family is special
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11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. 12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences. 13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. 14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. 15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. 16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.
CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME
Emory and Amelia planned their own safe New Year’s Party
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17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.
If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email safedfc@gmail.com with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.
Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.
22 COMMITMENT TO LEARNING
21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.
Elijah loves learning through building with blocks at school
POSITIVE VALUES
SOCIAL COMPETENCIES
32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices. 33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. 34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. 35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. 36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
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26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people. 27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty. 28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs. 29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” 30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility. 31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs. Free time at home means bike rides with mom
Good friends support and care for each other
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POSITIVE IDENTITY
37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.” 38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem. 39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.” 40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.
Reading is fun no matter what age you are
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PARENTING with dual families
Two Vital Ways to Support a Positive Summer Visit with a Parent By KELLY KILLHAM, LCSW
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arenting through divorce is difficult, to say the least, but one of many main points reiterated tirelessly from experts is that children should maintain important, independent relationships with each parent whether the household is married, single, or divorced because it fosters good judgment, character, and values. While being separated for the summer may be difficult for child and parent, it is definitely in the best interest of supporting such a relationship. Parenting in a consistent manner is demanding for any household, let alone navigating the difficulty of working toward building a working relationship with a former partner. There are two components to be considered when preparing your child and yourself for an extended visit with their mother or father following a divorce or separation: the practicalities of the visit and the emotional issue for parents and child of adjusting to the change. Be sure the other parent is aware of details vital to summer activities such as swim level, hiking level, or biking level. Communicate regarding your child’s favorite foods, habits, i.e. needing a nightlight or even friends that they will miss and would like to contact over the summer. While something may seem like a small detail, knowing and sharing aspects of your child’s day-today life will help support their adjustment so that they can enjoy the visit, which will in turn helps foster that positive independent relationship with their other parent. Make sure that the communication plan is clear, including whether the child will have access to a cell phone, Skype, or other methods of communication, as well as set up a schedule. This will be supportive in terms of helping your child to adjust to a new place because it will ease both your anxiety and theirs. It has been shown that children who are allowed consistent and open communication with both their parents through divorce adjust better to the change.
Children frequently demonstrate or express in a multitude of imaginative ways that communication between mom and dad is key whether separated, single, divorced, or even intact as a family. In one instance, a child specifically stated that being able to contact either mom or dad when needed has been vital in her being able to cope with emotions and be successful with
RESOURCES Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child Isolina Ricci, PhD The CoParenting Toolkit: The Essential Supplement for Mom’s House, Dad’s House Isolina Ricci, PhD “A Parent’s Guide to Making Child-Focused Visitation Decisions” svnworldwide.org/visitation-decisions.asp
the transition to and from each parent’s household. When planning and preparing for the visit (or always), make certain that positive communication is of the utmost priority. Positive communication supports the second component, taking care of your child’s emotions, as well as your own. It could go without saying that divorce, separation, and coping with two households is emotionally loaded for children and parents alike. However, helping your child to name and process through emotions such as fear, anxiety, and worry (if applicable) prior to the trip is vital. Working through
emotions with a trusted adult builds selfesteem and security in children. Equally as important is the parent’s ability to cope with their own anxiety. Helping your child to share their worries with their other parent in order to foster trust is a great way to support their relationship. It’s important to remember, you cannot help them through freaking out when you are freaking out, so find sources to support you in working through your difficulties with being separated from your child/children for an extended period of time. One idea might be making a list of long overdue tasks to be accomplished for helping yourself through the absence. Another might be to reconnect with an old friend. Be supportive of your child’s excitement, and supportive of their having that positive independent relationship with their other parent because it will largely benefit your child in the long run. If children are older and will miss social activities and events with their friends, processing and understanding their potential anger, sadness, and frustration will also help you and the other parent to help your child to adjust and work through their difficulties. Whatever the emotion, helping your child through the emotion and helping your coparenting partner to understand the emotion will support the positive experience, and the positive relationship that you wish to build will in turn help your child to become a happy well-adjusted positive person later in life. In summary, when preparing for your child’s extended summer visit, take care of the details and take care of yourself. Help your child through the emotional difficulties and support their positive emotions in order to foster that positive relationship with their other parent as well as build your working relationship with the other parent. Hopefully the results will be a positive, well-adjusted child with two great families. ■
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TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT
drugs & alcohol By MATTHEW QUINN, LCPC, CADC
T
oday kids as young as ten years old are beginning to experiment with alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco. Because the brain is not fully developed until the mid-twenties, young people are more likely to take risks compared to adults. When the brain is still developing, addictive substances physically alter its structure and function faster and more intensely than in adults. These effects interfere with brain development, which can affect decisionmaking, judgment, impulse control, emotion, and memory. Using drugs or alcohol at an early age also increases the risk of addiction. For many parents, discussing this topic can be difficult, but research confirms the idea that when parents talk to their children about drugs and alcohol, they are much less likely to become users. If you’re thinking about starting the conversation with your kids, consider taking these steps: START WHEN THEY’RE YOUNG It’s better to start talking with your child before he or she reaches the teenage years. As a parent, it’s important to make sure your child is aware of your values and concerns. Start early and continue the discussion throughout the teenage years. HAVE A CLEAR MESSAGE It’s important to explain that not all kids try drugs and alcohol and using these substances is not a rite of passage. Even using alcohol or drugs once or twice can cause health problems, lead to trouble with school or the law, and create problems with friends and family. Even if you used drugs or alcohol as a teenager, it’s okay to talk to your kids about not using. In fact, if you had any negative experiences or consequences because of your use, you may want to tell your kids about it.
EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUENCES OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE It’s essential that parents be parents to their children, and not try to be their friends. Teens will hear many messages about drugs and alcohol that are unclear and mixed. A parent who wants to be the “cool” parent may be communicating that drugs aren’t dangerous or risky. Without being too rigid or judgmental, let your children know that there are consequences for using drugs and alcohol, and that their healthy development can be affected.
Listening is the difference between a real conversation and a lecture — and kids hate lectures.
make the conversation age appropriate — a conversation about drugs is very different with a 10-year-old than with a 16-year-old. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE Your kids watch what you do, even more than you may think. Set a good example with your own behavior and be conscious of your own substance use, even if it’s just having a glass of wine or a beer. LOOK FOR SIGNS OF DRUG USE Be aware of any indication that drug use is happening. These signs can include: + Any changes in personal appearance or behavior such as red or watery eyes, or changes to eating or sleeping habits. + Changes in mood, such as lack of motivation, depression or extreme hyperactivity, or other unexplained mood swings. + Missing possessions, lack of money. + Poor school attendance, increased need for discipline or changes in grades. + Possession of drug paraphernalia.
USE TEACHABLE MOMENTS Talk regularly to your child about drugs and use every opportunity you can. For example, if there’s a story in the news about drugs or a related topic like depression, use that as a reason to have a discussion. Also, it’s vital to understand that frequent, regular conversations are needed to get the message across — once is not enough. Listening is critical! Listening is the difference between a real conversation and a lecture — and kids hate lectures. Show your children that you value their thoughts and feelings. Get involved and stay involved as they develop and grow. Listen to their struggles and stresses. Also,
+ Secretiveness about possessions and personal space, increased isolation. GET HELP AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE Parents don’t always take substance use seriously at first, especially with alcohol and marijuana. They may think it’s just a phase, but then can be overwhelmed when casual use becomes a real problem. Don’t underestimate the risks of drug use. Seek out a professional and ask for help. Your child’s future may depend on it! When a teen’s substance use is treated early, it frequently leads to abstinence and can result in no further problems. This is even true when the use is mild or moderate. ■
About The Author: Matthew Quinn provides community relations for Rosecrance Health Network in the western suburbs of Chicago. He completed his Bachelor’s Degree in psychology at the University of Notre Dame and Master’s Degree in clinical psychology at the Illinois School of Professional Psychology. Matthew is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (CADC) in Illinois. He has been counseling adolescents and adults in individual, couples, and family counseling for the past 15 years.
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NUMBERS How do I set an appropriate curfew?
288
As kids move into their teenage years, it’s important to give them enough freedom to learn how to make their own choices, which helps them lead independent lives. Setting reasonable boundaries on their activities and time out with friends can help them make responsible decisions and develop healthy habits; curfews are part of striking that balance. There’s no one right answer for setting a time, but there are strategies for setting realistic curfews: + How much structure does your child need? If they struggle to make responsible choices without firm boundaries in place, a consistent time might work the best for them. + What’s their sleep schedule? If they have an early morning, an earlier curfew may benefit their health and productivity. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, teenagers need about 8 to 10 hours of sleep per day. Getting enough sleep is important for their mental and physical health, as well as helping them excel in school and other activities.
The most number of years a library book was overdue.
1000
The number of species of bananas; we only eat one of them.
2–3
+ What are the plans? If they want to attend a special event that goes past their usual curfew, it may be reasonable to adjust their curfew. Try getting their input on what they feel is a reasonable curfew based on the circumstances. If they feel they had a say, they may be more willing to follow the curfew. If their proposed time seems unreasonable, let them know why and clearly state when they are expected home. Whatever curfew is set, it’s important to communicate clearly what the expectation is, what to do if they’re running late, and then hold them accountable. An example of a consequence may be cutting their usual curfew back by 30 minutes, which they can earn back after proving they can stick to the new time. If they do break curfew, it’s important to let them know that you’re happy that they arrived home safely, but that you were worried. As sometimes happens, worry comes across as mad. At that point it’s best to tell them you’ll talk about the consequences in the morning when you’re feeling calmer. Just as in adulthood, circumstances happen that are beyond their control, and they may have to break curfew, for example poor weather conditions that make it dangerous for them to drive. Setting the expectation to call before missing curfew rather than making excuses afterward prevents worry and confusion.
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The number of hours an elephant sleeps per day.
1.2 million
The number of mosquitos, sucking once each, that it would take to drain all the blood from a human.
.028
The speed in mph that a Heinz ketchup bottle squirts.
189
The number of things named after George Washington.
90% of Americans struggling with addiction started using drugs or alcohol * before age 18. *Partnership to End Addiction
Help keep all youth safe by never providing alcohol to minors and communicating your no-use expectations to kids and teens. Parent Up can help: We have tips, tools, and resources to help you prevent underage drinking.
Learn more at parentupkc.com/alcohol.
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5 TECHNOLOGY RULES every parent must follow By DR. TIM ELMORE
S
onia Bokhari was an 8th grader when she joined the world of social media for the first time. She was excited, to say the least, to jump on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and other platforms her friends were already on. What she discovered made her feel betrayed. Upon setting up her profile, she quickly found out her mom and sister had been posting about her for her entire life. Right before her young teenage eyes, were pictures of her that made her feel awkward and even a little violated: + Pictures of her as a young child in her underwear, her mom had posted. + Stories of silly things she had done, her older sister had shared. + Accounts of funny statements she’d made as a sister or daughter. In a recent article in Fast Company magazine Sonia said when she was younger, she could hardly wait to participate in social media. Upon reflection, she later wrote: “Then, several months ago, when I turned 13, my mom gave me the green light and I joined Twitter and Facebook. The first place I went, of course, was my mom’s profiles. That’s when I realized that while this might have been the first time I was allowed on social media, it was far from the first time my photos and stories had appeared online. When I saw the pictures that she had been posting on Facebook for years, I felt utterly embarrassed, and deeply betrayed.” What her mother and sister thought was “cute” and “innocent” felt much different to the other person in the photo, which was Sonia. THE LESSON FOR ADULTS AS WE APPROACH SOCIAL MEDIA I only bring this up because adult leaders—parents, teachers, coaches, youth workers—must practice what we preach. If we want our kids to handle social media well, and be careful about what they post, we should think twice about posting THEIR photos on line for all to see. Sonia said it would have been different if her mom had merely shared some of those personal pictures to family members or close friends. Instead—her mom and sister felt the need to broadcast them on-line. Sonia wrote: “Teens get a lot of warnings that we aren’t mature enough to understand that everything we post online is permanent, but parents should also reflect about their use of social media and how it could potentially impact their children’s lives as we become young adults.” Well said, Sonia.
The fact is—our portable devices have both connected us and divided us. Both teens and adults have felt compelled to post comments or content on-line. Some, I’m concerned, are more consumed with posting their life, than living their life. Several middle school and high school students openly acknowledged (in our focus groups) that they are “addicted to their portable devices.” This addiction that both adults and teens have, has hindered rational thinking. Technology has become our master rather than our servant. Recently, I heard a Florida businessman say: “When our phones had leashes, we were free. Now our phones are free, and we have leashes.” That statement says it all. FIVE RULES OF THUMB FOR ADULTS USING SOCIAL MEDIA So let me offer some simple ideas to consider when it comes to smart devices: 1. Keep your time on social media under two hours a day. Research tells us that more than two hours is unhealthy. People are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression when on social media for longer. 2. Get permission before you post. If you include others in a picture, ask for their permission. This gives them dignity and enables them to retain agency on what’s posted about them. 3. Check your motives. As an adult, ask yourself why you want to post pics of your kids or students? If the pics don’t communicate respect for them, it’s best to not post them. 4. Think reputation, not entertainment. Try trading places with the people you’re about to post online. If you were them, would you like this photo or post? How will it affect their reputation? 5. Only post what adds value to others. Many posts on Instagram, for instance, are for the selfish pleasure of the one posting; often they’re narcissistic. Think of how the post benefits others first. ■
About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting with Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore. Used with permission. All content contained within this article is the property of Growing Leaders, Inc. and is protected by international copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, republished, distributed, transmitted, displayed, broadcast or otherwise exploited in any manner without the express prior written permission of Growing Leaders. Growing Leaders, Inc. names and logos and all related trademarks, tradenames, and other intellectual property are the property of Growing Leaders and cannot be used without its express prior written permission.
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"For children, having at least one stable, supportive and committed adult consistently in their lives makes the biggest difference." - Harvard University's Center on the Developing Child
BE THE ONE! Learn more about the simple ways to root kids in resilience at RootsOfResilienceKC.com!
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summer
AND SUBSTANCES By KIM YORK, Counselor
S
ummer is here! Our kids having been dreaming about summer break from school, and experiencing warm weather free time. We know that although this is the dream of most teenagers, it can be a worrisome time for parents. Because there is a lot of unstructured, unmonitored time, parents have the right to be concerned. During the summer, the rate of accidents involving teens is higher. Alcohol drinking and substance abuse rises by over 70%, not to mention a higher number of car crashes. How can parents keep their children safe during the summer and yet allow their teenagers some freedoms? The answer involves parents knowing they have the right to manage the unsupervised time of their children. Enforcing the rules of the 4 Ws is one successful strategy. Who are you going to be with? Where are you going? What are you going to be doing? When are you going to be home? Along with the 4 Ws, comes the parental responsibility of following through. It is not unreasonable to show up at the “Where,” call the parent of the “Who,” follow up on the
“What” and set the limit of “When” to be home. Additionally, parents need to be aware of other risks out there to which their teen may be exposed. Unsupervised bon fires, lake parties, overnight stays, camping, and other get-togethers where alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs are present are not uncommon in the summer. “Rave” events advertised through social media are held frequently throughout the summer. These events have music and a party atmosphere where access to illegal substances is prevalent. There are numerous concerts and summer events where unsupervised youth have opportunity to access drugs as well. Expecting teenagers to contribute to the household chores, find a job, volunteer, participate in summer camps/activities are also part of the mix. We know that a teenager who is busy, has less of a chance to socialize in an unhealthy way. Parents who are pro-active in their teenager’s activities during the summer months, have better outcomes when it comes to keeping their adolescent safe. Discussing the 4 Ws, providing accountability, and keeping teens busy are strategies that are proven effective. ■
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• Culinary Arts • Homeland Security • Medical Administrative Assistant • Painting • Welding
For more information, please visit recruiting.jobcorps.gov or call (800) 733–JOBS.
Excelsior Springs SAFE P.O. Box 518 Excelsior Springs, MO 64024
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