Wired for Joy by Emotional Brain Training

ebt b a s i c s W IR E D FOR J OY

EBT Basics

Wired for Joy

EBT Basics Copyright 2012 by Laurel Mellin. Patent Pending Author: Laurel Mellin Printed in the United States of America. Graphic Design: Joe Mellin Graphic Production: Daniela Lien Editorial Production: Katherine Morningstar ISBN: 978-1-893265-23-3 Distributed by: The Institute for Health Solutions Published by: EBT, Inc. 77 Mark Drive, Suite 5, San Rafael, CA 94903 TEL: 415-457-3331â&#x20AC;˘ FAX: 415-457-4551 Website: www.ebt.org

Welcome to EBT: Wired for Joy! The emotional brain controls mood, behavior, stress and pleasure drives. In this course, you will learn fundamental tools to create more balance in your emotional brain. By creating more balance in your emotional brain, problems that are stress symptoms will naturally fade. By addressing the root cause, you can experience a solution. In this course, you will learn how to identify your brain state and change it. You will become comfortable with the group and set your sights on the rewards that you most what from EBT. We hope you enjoy your EBT Group, as the emotional brain is the social brain. It changes most easily with warm connection and inspiration that being with others provides. Also, the emotional brain changes when it is exposed to a variety of novel experiences, so we have created the EBT video courses and community to enrich your experience. Log onto EBT.ORG for a few minutes each day. The EBT Team is dedicated to improving world health through EBT. On behalf of then, it is my pleasure to welcome you to EBT! JOY! Laurel Mellin EBT Founder 3

Wiring the Brain for Joy The wires that determine how we respond to life are stored in the emotional brain. n

The emotional brain includes the reptilian brain, the seat of the stress response, and the mammalian brain, the seat of emotions, relationships, spirituality and reward drives. The thinking brain, or neocortex, is the overseer of our emotional brain, and the part of us that thinks, plans and decides.

In this course, you will train your thinking brain to rewire your emotional brain.

All thoughts, emotions and behaviors are wires. They are strings of nerve cells that fire over and over again in our brain. The “circuits” that determine how we respond to life are in the emotional brain. There are two kinds of circuits: Joy Circuits (effective): When these wires fire, we move through stress back to joy. We know what we need to do and we do it. These wires promote health, happiness and productivity. Stress Circuits (ineffective): When these wires fire, we get stuck in stress. We don’t know what we really need, and even if we do, we don’t do it. These wires block health, happiness and productivity. In this course you will learn tools to strengthen the Joy Circuits and weaken the Stress Circuits. Each moment that you are feeling present, aware and positive, you strengthen the effective wiring and weaken the ineffective wiring. In time the Joy Circuits take over and you naturally process daily life more effectively. Health, happiness and productivity tend to improve.

Each time you use the tools you will probably notice that you feel better. Small but important changes occur in your brain. Over time, it all adds up.

When the Brain is Wired for Joy n

The Thinking Brain (prefrontal cortex) is more effective at focusing your attention and tuning into your emotions. The Worry Center (amygdala) doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get triggered as often. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t overreact to stresses. The Calming Center (hippocampus) is more effective, and you feel more relaxed. The Reward Centers send surges of pleasure through your body from natural rewards, like eating healthy food and exercising. The drives for artificial pleasures and unhealthy habits decrease. The Emotional Pipeline (vagal nerve) gets more effective in sending emotional messages to the brain, especially compassion and love. The Habit Center (basal ganglia) learns how to process stress and how to get pleasure in healthy ways. It becomes natural and easy more of the time.

All these things occur because we change how we experience the moment. We focus on our process rather than the outcome and savor the rewards that sustained our ancestors: sanctuary, authenticity, vibrancy, integrity, intimacy, spirituality and freedom. Throughout the day, we know that we will be in all the levels of stress, some of which are given to extremes of emotions, thoughts and behaviors. We can accept that! We are creating joy in our lives, not happiness but bittersweet, gritting, tender, raucous, peaceful moments of joy. In that brain state, most problems vanish, and those that remain we can handle in a reasonably effective way. How do you start? You begin right where you are, and keep in mind that the goal of the day is to spend more moments in that brain state of joy. You say to yourself often:

I am creating JOY in my life! Then you take a two-minute vacation once each hour. In those two moments you relax and emotionally connect with yourself. You feel your joy.

Your Rewards . . . What do you most want for yourself from this course? As you use EBT to improve how you process daily life, you will experience the rewards of life that are associated with the long-term survival of the planet. We all have a natural hunger for these rewards, as it is part of our genetic heritage. Stress blocks our capacity to experience these rewards, and using these tools rewires our brain to return to our natural state of reward. Please take a moment to identify which reward is most important to you: Sanctuary peace and power from within Authenticity feeling whole and being genuine Vibrancy

healthy with zest for life

Integrity

the capacity to do the right thing

Intimacy

giving and receiving love

Spirituality awareness of the grace, beauty and mystery of life Freedom

common excesses fade

The Plan Use This Journal – Keep this journal with you for ready access to the tools. Jot down your progress day by day. Complete one chapter every 3 days, or take longer if you prefer. Check In – Pause and take a two-minute vacation hourly or about 10 times daily. This practice over time rewires the powerhouse of the emotional brain. Brain Fitness – Exercise, food and sleep improve brain fitness. Make small but important changes in them to improve your results. Get Support – Visit our website for videos, webbased tools, coaching, groups and telegroups. Share Your JOY – Share these ideas and tools with friends and family, so that they can benefit, too. The world is full of stress, impossible demands and harsh realities. Keep in mind what you are doing. You are wiring your brain to find peace and power from within. This rewiring helps to create a happy, healthy, productive life.

Chapter 1

Sanctuary Feeling peace and power from within

About Sanctuary Sanctuary is the feeling of peace and power from within. It means feeling secure in yourself, and is the foundation for the other rewards. EBT brings that reward through practice. It is normal to be in all levels of stress in any given day, even really stressed out. The tools of EBT will give you the power to switch your brain from any level of stress back to feeling that peace and power. Over time, the brain learns to trust the tools, and to find peace and power from within. Some of the stress we have that blocks us from feeling secure is due to early experiences, before the age of three and during traumatic times since then. The brain remembers those messages, and stores them as wires in the emotional brain. Then during moments of stress when we most need to feel secure, it activates those wires. In EBT, we rewire those circuits so they stop causing chronic stress. When the brain splits due to stress, we lose our sense of sanctuary. We do not feel peace and power from within and our emotional anchor inside is gone. Also, that brain split caused by stress blocks our joy. Most of the rewards that we experience in daily life come from the pleasure of the thinking brain securely 12

connecting to the emotional brain. We can feel our feelings. We can bring to mind our purpose in life and that activates the brainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pleasure centers. The first tool of EBT is Checking In, because it gives us the power to stop the split and to re-connect the thinking and emotional brain. That way we can experience more sanctuary, feeling peace and power from within.

My mind was wandering during a meeting. I knew I was not registering what was going on, so I used the Check In and felt peace and power inside. I tuned in to the conversation. When my teen came home after midnight last night, I was spinning out of control. I was really scared and really angry. I checked in, as knowing that my brain was connected gave me more confidence in dealing with him about the issues. Last night I went to the refrigerator to get something to eat, then noticed that I was not checked in. I used the master tool, and felt a wave of relaxation in my body. I turned around and left the kitchen. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want the food anymore.

Spotlight: EBT Check In Tool The Check In is the master tool of the method, and the goal is to use it often enough for it to become spontaneous more of the time. This won’t happen unless it is rewarding. So it is more important that you do something than that you do it perfectly. Perfect for you is what brings you a physiologic response, that is, a relaxation wave in the body. Experiment with using ONLY belly breathing or just Body at 1 or even just warmly observing yourself, especially when you are stressed! You will find how best to become aware of your level of stress or “brain state.” Over time the emotional brain learns that the “go to” for safety is within. When stresses come, the brain naturally tunes into emotions, and we experience a sense of peace and power from within.

How to Check In 1. Deep Breaths Breathe into your belly, relaxing more with each exhale. 2. Body in Joy Shoulders back, chin up, a slight smile. Give your brain the message that you are in a state of wellbeing. This technique uses propioception, which is the power of the body to impact the state of the brain. 14

3. Warmly Observe Warmly observe yourself without judgment. Be curious about your feelings, sensations and thoughts. Warmly Observe yourself in the present moment just as you are. No judgments. This technique of decentering gives you a fresh perspective on yourself and brings a feeling of peace and power from within. 4. Feel A Wave of Relaxation? Using those three techniques consecutively â&#x20AC;&#x201D; taking deep, relaxing breaths and focusing on your breathing, making small but important adjustments in your posture and warmly observing yourself without judgment has two effects. It can calm the stress response, and it can cause a slight wave of relaxation that activates the brainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reward centers. You can feel a slight glow. This feeling is a sign that your thinking brain has connected to your emotional brain and you have attuned to your feelings. Sometimes you will feel that wave of relaxation and other times you will not feel it. When stress is higher, it can be more challenging to feel. However, each time you check in, you learn something, and you strengthen the wires that move you through stress back to joy. 15

Practicing this skill pays off. Your mastery of this tool not only calms the stress response, but it also creates a firm foundation for the Sanctuary Tool.

Planning Your Check Ins The emotional brain doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like change, so even though you may intend to check in 10 times per day, a whole day can easily go by without taking any twominute vacations. To get better results, record your Check Ins in this journal, and take 3 minutes per day to share your progress with another person. Also, create a plan for reminding yourself to check in. Some people remind themselves to check in by using natural breaks in the day. However, most people find that they get better results with using an external device to remind them. How will you remind yourself to check in? I will use natural breaks in the day to check in: Upon awakening Before going to bed Before each meal After each meal When showering or bathing Before work 16

After work Other:_____________________ I will set an hourly reminder to check in: On my telephone On my computer A timer An alarm Other:_________________

Joy Points A Joy Point is a moment when you feel a surge of relaxation and pleasure in your body. Sometimes that joy comes from a sensory pleasure, like being outdoors, petting the cat or listening to music. A moment of joy can also come from bringing to mind a happy memory or anticipating seeing someone you love. Any experience of emotional connection â&#x20AC;&#x201C; with yourself, with others or with the spiritual can activate a joy response. Collecting moments of joy can be powerful. In those moments, the stress response calms down. The reward centers are flush with feel-good chemicals and you are aware of a slight surge of pleasure in your body. The brain canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be in joy and stress at the same time, so joy swamps the stress. 17

Being on the lookout for moments of joy, then savoring them, is just a habit. If you’ve been stressed, you might have forgotten that habit, but you can pick it up again.

I had a cold and felt blue. Then I petted my cat and felt love for her. A Joy Point! I was on the bus daydreaming, and brought to mind a passionate moment from the night before. Instant Joy Point. In addition to checking in, keep track of your Joy Points. Be curious and have fun with it. Discover the power of Joy Points to ease your stress.

Emotional Evolution: Existence The brain lays down wires in response to stress and we have identified 7 of these expectations. Rewiring those circuits makes experiencing rewards easier. You can begin experimenting with rewiring these circuits in this course. Rewiring promotes emotional evolution. During the first three years of life and later, during trauma, we can easily encode the most fundamental circuit: “I do not exist.” During intense stress, the thinking brain and the emotional brain separate, and our experience is that we are overwhelmed, obliterated or wiped out. 18

This circuit may only get activated when we are highly stressed. However, beginning to rewire it can add to our sense of peace and power from within.

Grind ins To rewire it, you can do a Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, the reality you must face to accept that new expectation, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Do this often, even 10 times per day, if you find it helpful. Core Expectation: I do exist. Essential Pain: I am alone. Earned Reward: Sanctuary

I got really stressed at work yesterday. I said to myself 10 times: I do exist. The truth is that I am alone. If I can face that essential pain of life, I can feel peace and power inside. About the 3rd time I said that I felt my body relax. I have been using this Grind In, writing it down, and saying it to myself when Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m stressed. I do exist. The essential pain is that I am alone, but I do have me. I have a sanctuary within.

Brain Fitness Supplements The brain needs certain nutrients to make new brain cells and for those brain cells to latch onto wires. Also, the brain needs nutrients to support optimal health. We recommend that you take the vitamin and mineral supplements and the medications that your physician recommends. In addition, for brain fitness, speak with your physician about taking 2 grams of fish oil or 1 teaspoon cod liver oil. These fish oils contain anti-inflammatory omega-3 fatty acids, such as docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) which research has shown are essential to the health of your brain. Exercise Exercise has a powerful influence on mood and brain fitness. One of the benefits of physical activity is the release of brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). BDNF is like food for the brain, increasing production of nerve cells or neurons in the brain. This helps your brain fitness. We recommend 30 minutes of exercise per day for brain fitness. Once you accomplish that, consider moving it up to 45 minutes per day, then to 60 minutes per day, the recommendation for healthy 20

adults. Check with your physician to be sure that exercise is safe for you.

Connection To improve your results, connect with another person who is using EBT (Community Connection). Take 3 minutes daily by phone or text to tell them how many Check Ins you did the day before, how many minutes of exercise and, if you had a Joy Point share it. If you don’t have a friend, family member or co-worker who has an EBT practice, check the New Connections forum board on the website to find someone. The emotional brain is a social brain. When you take those 3 minutes, you’ll practice more and you’ll get better results.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

My Check Ins Deep Body Breaths in Joy

Warmly Observe Myself

Feel a Wave of Relaxation My Body?

n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Deep Body Breaths in Joy

Warmly Observe Myself

Feel a Wave of Relaxation My Body?

n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Deep Body Breaths in Joy

Warmly Observe Myself

Feel a Wave of Relaxation My Body?

n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Deep Body Breaths in Joy

Warmly Observe Myself

Feel a Wave of Relaxation My Body?

n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Deep Body Breaths in Joy

Warmly Observe Myself

Feel a Wave of Relaxation My Body?

n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

Chapter 2

Authenticity Feeling whole and being genuine

About Authenticity When you checked in the last few days, chances are that sometimes it was easy to feel a wave of relaxation. Other times, forget it! There was NO WAY that you could relax. That’s because of the impact of stress on the brain.

Stress & the Brain The brain does its ongoing job of figuring out how likely we are to be eaten by a lion. There aren’t a lot of lions around these days, but the brain takes any kind of stress – such as not getting enough sleep, remembering hurts from the past, or eating sugary, fatty foods – and considers them threats to our survival. It takes them seriously.

1 2 3 4 5

The top part of the brain, the neocortex, is very slow in responding to stress. The middle part, the mammalian brain, is a little faster, and the lower part, the reptilian brain is the quickest to respond. Think of how fast a snake lashes out! The more stress the brain perceives the more it puts a faster part of the brain in charge. When that lion is on the run, split seconds matter! So throughout the day, the brain figures out how threatened we are and puts different parts of the brain in charge of guiding our responses. When the lower parts of the brain are in charge, we experience extremes of emotions, thoughts and behaviors. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not just some people who experience those extremes. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s everyone. There are five different areas of the brain that can be in charge, based on our level of stress. Each area is associated with a brain state, and in EBT there are 5 of them. It only makes sense. If a vastly different part of the brain is in charge, then in each brain state, our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors would be very different. Knowing what brain state youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in is extremely useful. First, that takes away a lot of self-judgment. When the reptilian brain is in charge, nobody is nice! 35

Everyone is extreme. That’s how powerful the stress hormones can be. Second, in each brain state, our emotions, thoughts and behaviors would be very different. In each brain state, there is a different pathway from that level of stress back to feeling balanced and great. There is one tool for each of the 5 brain states. If you know your brain state, then you can choose to use the tool that switches the brain away from stress most easily and quickly. Each brain state links to a different area of the brain, and each tool provides a quick and easy route from that brain state’s corresponding stress back to joy. In this chapter, you will add to your Check In the skill of identifying your brain state. It takes a while to figure them out. Right now, just have fun with this. Take a guess at which brain state you’re in and, over time, all this will become clearer to you. Don’t overanalyze. Be curious and relax into it! Practice until you find the way that works for you to figure out your brain state. Where does authenticity fit in? When the brain is in stress, we naturally go to extremes, and this impacts how we see ourselves and others. We “split” and think of ourselves as all good or all bad. We cannot be “whole” as that “splitting” robs us of seeing 36

ourselves accurately. Being all good or all bad blocks our sense of being genuine. It’s a pain to be too good. What a burden and pressure. It’s stressful to see ourselves as all bad. What do we do about it? It helps to warmly observe yourself, and just see yourself splitting.

Oh, I get it. I’m in stress. I see myself as all good and my spouse is all bad. I must be splitting. Oh well, I can see that! My boss is the worst person on Earth. That is extreme. I know I feel that way. I’m going to observe myself with compassion. Yes, I’m in stress. I’m going to extremes. You can also try to balance out the extremes in another way: bringing to mind a reasonable expectation.

I think I am a bad person. I’m not good enough, but that’s stress. I don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. I see myself as better than everybody, but the truth is that I have some faults, too. I have good and bad in me, just like they do.

Let’s take a look at the 5 brain states, and the characteristics of each. In time you’ll find your own “thumbprint” of signs that indicate your brain state. Some people can see brain states in others more easily than they can see them in themselves. They benefit greatly from working in a group. For now, let’s check out the various characteristics . . .

Check In 1. Deep Breaths Breathe into your belly, relaxing more with each exhale. 2. Body at 1: Shoulders back, chin up, a slight smile. Give your brain the message that you are in a state of wellbeing. (This is also called Body in Joy.) 3. Warmly Observe Yourself See yourself just as you are, with acceptance and without judgment. 4. Ask yourself, “What Number Am I?” There are 5 states. You check your emotional state — your brain state — on a 5-point scale. Have fun with this!

The 5 Brain States 1 Feeling Great! 2 Feeling Good (“OK”) 3 A Little Stressed! 4 Definitely Stressed 5 Stressed Out! 5. Accept Your State. Last, accept your state. Feel the calming impact of acceptance. Just be aware of your emotional state, really see yourself in the present moment. Feel compassion for yourself and say to yourself something kind, such as:

For who I am right now, being in Brain State 4 is about right!

Oh, I’m at Brain State 3. I can accept that being this tired makes me a little stressed. WE’RE HERE FOR YOU 24-hours per day Visit ebt.org Log in to the EBT Internet Community Click on the Instant Connection Be guided through the tools. On the run? Call 1-877-765-4JOY to Check In 39

Brain State 1: Feeling Great! In General:

Feel Great!

Body Feel: Aware Present Glow Best Bet to Identify: Peaceful Compassionate Complete

What’s Great Breaks Stress Circuits about this State: Strengthens Joy Circuits Decreases Cravings Optimal for Health

Brain State 2: Feeling Good In General:

Feel Good (“OK”)

Body Feel: Balanced Present Not Rewarded Best Bet to Identify: Aware of Feelings Emotions are Balanced Highly Functional Not Inspired What’s Great about this State:

Strengthens Joy Circuits Easy to Maintain 40

Brain State 3: A Little Stressed In General:

A Little Stressed

Body Feel:

Slightly Numb or A Little on Edge

Best Bet to Identify: Irritable Numb A Little Negative Somewhat Anxious Thinking Too Much Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Great At the Tipping Point about this State: Using the Tools Now Prevents Overreaction Somewhat Functional

Brain State 4: Definitely Stressed In General:

Definitely Stressed

Body Feel: Emotions Ramped Up Feelings May Shut Down Tension or Fatigue Body Pain

Best Bet to Identify: Distancing from Others Merging with Others Too Harsh Inner Voice Too Easy Inner Voice Intense Negative Feelings Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Great Most Effective State for about this State: Rewiring Stress Circuits Moving Up this State Trains the Brain for Hope and Power

Brain State 5: Stressed Out! In General:

Stressed Out!

Body Feel: Body Hurts No Body Awareness Best Bet to Identify: Overwhelmed Lost Confused Strong Cravings Time Warp Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Great about this State:

Use of the Tools Can Rewire Deep Hurts

Emotional Evolution: Essence In the same way that the 1st stage of emotional evolution is based on the core circuit of existence, the second core circuit is based on essence. During stressful experiences, the cascade of stress hormones creates extremes of thoughts, emotions and behavior. That’s a survival response. In that moment of stress, the false generalization that is encoded is: I am bad. These expectations aren’t always conscious; however, that background noise impacts our joy, as well as health, happiness and productivity. Related circuits (such as other people are bad or life is bad) don’t help us either. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, the reality you must face to accept that new expectation, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Do this often, even 10 times per day, if you find it helpful. Core Expectation: I am not bad. Essential Pain: I am not perfect. Earned Reward: Authenticity 43

I distance from other people and stay home a lot. When I’m stressed, I feel powerless. I feel like I have nothing to offer. The Grind In: I am not bad rings true. I’m not perfect also rings true.. The reward? Feeling whole and feeling safer embracing all of me. I thought I wasn’t supposed to have a dark side. Admitting that I am not great, but just not bad and not perfect either makes me more humble and better able to relax.

Brain Fitness Exercise Exercising for brain fitness is so motivating. Imagine those new neurons latching onto the wires in your brain, strengthening those circuits and filling in where the natural dying off of brain cells has occurred. Consider checking in before and after exercise to see how it changes your brain state. Joy Foods Food is the new medicine. Brain fitness is enhanced by consuming foods that ease stress, balance mood, decrease insulin, inflammation and cravings. In EBT we group foods into two categories: Foods that promote brain fitness, ease stress, reduce cravings and balance neurotransmitters and those that don’t. 44

The Joy Foods are the effective foods, including fruit, vegetables, healthy fats and lean meat, fish, poultry and eggs. The Stress Foods are the rest, sugary, fatty foods, grains, milk and beans. We are not biologically equipped to digest foods that were not known and consumed 1 million years ago, and there is increasing evidence that a diet that is based mainly on Joy Foods can have important benefits to health. Consider a slow transition to eating more of these foods. In this chapter consider which fruits you enjoy, and bring more of them into your food environment.

Fruits Apples

Cranberries

Apricots

Cherries

Bananas

Grapefruit

Blackberries

Grapes

Blueberries

Guavas

Cantaloupe

Figs

Honeydew melon

Persimmons

Kiwis

Pineapples

Lemons

Pomegranates

Limes

Plums

Mangoes

Prunes

Melons

Raisins

Nectarines

Raspberries

Oranges

Strawberries

Papayas

Tangelos

Peaches

Tangerines

Pears

Watermelon

Connection Have you found someone to connect with? Sharing these tools is a way to bring joy to others. If you havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t found a person to connect with, consider checking out the New Connections forum board on the website to find someone. Call or text them daily, sharing how many Check Ins you did on the previous day, the number of minutes that you exercised, and if you got a Joy Point, then share it.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

Chapter 3

Vibrancy Healthy and full of zest and enthusiasm for life

About Vibrancy The reward of vibrancy is more than feeling healthy. It is feeling physically healthy, with a zest and enthusiasm for life. The easiest way to be healthy is to make lifestyle changes that improve your health and use the EBT tools to get to Brain State 1 more of the time. When we’re at Brain State1, it’s easy to eat less, drink less, work less, and love more. Although it’s normal to move among all the brain states in any given day, even spending moments at Brain State 1 have important chemical effects. When you give yourself Joy Points throughout the day and hourly 2-minute vacations by checking in, it’s easier to push away from the table and to get up off the couch. Everything is easier, and health is best in the balanced states. Research shows that 80 percent of health problems are caused by the brain being wired for stress, staying in that 5 state with the stress buzzer stuck on. This method has been in development at the University of California, San Francisco for more than 30 years. It was not until recently that neuroscience validated that how important it is to attain Brain State 1. Brain States 1 and 5 are the two brain states in which the brain’s 60

reward centers are activated, causing surges of neurotransmitters to give us good feelings. In Brain State 1, we experience natural surges of feel good neurotransmitters. They are sustainable, and are triggered by natural lifestyle pleasures or the mental rewards that naturally occur in that state, such as sanctuary, authenticity, vibrancy, integrity, intimacy, spirituality and freedom. In Brain State 5, we experience abnormal highs and lows in neurotransmitters. This can feel good during the highs, but require repetition and are therefore damaging in the long term. That is why stress is making us a nation of addicts because without the tools to beat back stress and access joy, we default to using artificial pleasures that tend to become addictive or compulsive.

Reactive

Irrational

Concrete

Rigid

Abstract

Thoughts

State

Overwhelmed

Unbalanced

Mixed

Balanced

Joyous

Feelings

Connected

Spirituality

Merged/ Disengaged

Needy/ Distant

Social

Lost/ Obsessed

Disconnected

Unaware

Companionable Aware

Intimate

Relationships

The EBT Brain States

Destructive

Unhealthy

Moderate

Healthy

Optimal

Behavior

Check In 1. Deep Breaths Breathe into your belly, relaxing more with each exhale. 2. Body in Joy Shoulders back, chin up, a slight smile. Give your brain the message that you are in a state of wellbeing. (Also called Body at 1.) 3. Warmly Observe Yourself See yourself just as you are, with acceptance and without judgment. 4. Ask yourself, “What number am I?” There are 5 states. Check your emotional state, your brain state on a 5-point scale. Have fun with this!

The 5 Brain States 1 Feeling Great! 2 Feeling Good (“OK”) 3 A Little Stressed! 4 Definitely Stressed 5 Stressed Out!

5. Accept State or Change State? Decide if you want to warmly accept your state or move it up! If you choose to move it up, use the tool that corresponds to your brain state. If it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t work, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s because you are in a different brain state. Each tool ONLY works for the actual brain state you are in.

Spotlight: Tools for the 5 Brain States 1 Sanctuary Tool 2 Feelings Check Tool 3 Emotional Housecleaning Tool 4 Cycle Tool 5 Damage Control Tool

Brain State #1: Feeling Great

Sanctuary Tool n

Take a deep breath

Connect to the sanctuary within

Feel Compassion for myself

Feel Compassion for all living beings

Collect a Joy Point

Brain State #2: Feeling Good

Feelings Check Tool n

How do I feel? Ask the question, then wait for 20 seconds. Your emotional brain will send a feeling up to your thinking brain. This feeling is the genetically determined most accurate message that can alert you to your most important need. The strongest feeling points to the most important need. Notice that the feelings are very primitive, emotional messages of our most basic emotional and physical needs to sustain our lives.

Angry

Grateful

Sad

Happy

Afraid

Secure

Guilty

Proud

Tired

Rested

Tense

Relaxed

Hungry / Full Satisfied Lonely Sick

Loved / Loving Healthy 66

What do I need? Once you know how you feel, ask yourself, â&#x20AC;&#x153;What do I need?â&#x20AC;? Wait 20 seconds and your brain will alert you to the accurate answer.

Process need: I feel sad. I need to feel my feelings and let them fade. Logical need: I feel tired. I need to get some rest. Deeper need: I feel guilty. I need to appreciate that I am not a bad person. Everyone feels guilty now and then. n

Do I need support? Last, ask yourself if you need support from others. Asking for support from others increases intimacy and improves the chances that your need will be met.

Would you please . . . go with me to the store?

Would you please . . . give me a hug?

Katherineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Feelings Checks How do I feel?

(Wait 20 seconds) What do I need? (Wait 20 seconds) To talk about it. Do I need support? Yes, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to ask my friend to listen to me.

Brain State #3: A Little Stressed

Emotional Housecleaning Tool To use this powerful tool, complete each sentence. Say the first four words, then wait for 20 seconds. During that time, your emotional brain sends you words that complete the sentence. If no words come to mind, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fine. Just go on to the next sentence. Once you have expressed the first 4 feelings, negative emotions will fade. You have cleared them away, and will notice your positive ones. Express them by completing the second 4 feelings. Using this tool will often bring you to Brain State 1. The feelings do not need to make sense. In fact, they usually arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t logical, and often each statement is on a different topic. We are clearing away the emotional clutter of the moment! n n n n

I feel angry that . . . I feel sad that . . . I feel afraid that . . . I feel guilty that . . .

I feel grateful that . . . n I feel happy that . . . n I feel secure that . . . n

I feel proud that . . . 69

Feliciaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Emotional Housecleaning I feel angry that . . . I am late. I feel sad that . . . my room is a mess. I feel afraid that . . . Kara is mad at me. I feel guilty that . . . I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t return her phone call. I feel grateful . . . to be alive. I feel happy that . . . my job is going well. I feel secure that . . . I am a good person. I feel proud that . . . I am using these tools.

Brain State #4: Definitely Stressed

Cycle Tool This is the most powerful tool of EBT. It rewires the circuits stored during stressful moments. These circuits cause overreactions and chronic stress. We can nab these circuits and rewire them! To rewire those old circuits, just use the Cycle Tool. It will take a couple of weeks to get the skill down, but then you’ll have this skill for life. The wires stored during stress can only be rewired during stress. So when you are in Brain State 4, it is a moment of opportunity. You can rewire a circuit that causes stress for you. Here’s how to use this technique: Step 1. Just the Facts State what you are most upset about. State facts — not feelings — so that you can ramp up stress and open that wire so you can rewire it. The wire is an unconscious unreasonable expectation, such as: I must be perfect. I must be in complete control. Whatever I do, it won’t work out. I am a bad person. I don’t matter. Let’s nab that wire and rewire it!

Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit When you feel really stressed, and can’t stand NOT expressing feelings anymore, then begin expressing your feelings. This is called the Natural Flow of Feelings: Express your feelings: anger, sadness, fear and guilt. This is a natural process, and one feeling “melts” into the next. Often after three statements of a particular feeling, you become aware of the next feeling.It helps to use very short statements, with strong feeling, so you feel the feelings rather than “think” them. n

I feel angry that . . .

I feel sad that . . .

I feel afraid that . . .

I feel guilty that. . .

What is my unreasonable expectation? Check what words come to your mind immediately after you ask the question. What unreasonable expectation is fueling my stress? That’s your circuit! That’s your unreasonable expectation. Step 3. Create A New Circuit Now say the opposite of the unreasonable expectation Often this means putting the word “NOT” into the same 72

sentence. If the old stress circuit was “I am worthless”, then the new one might be: “I am NOT worthless.” Step 4. Strengthen the New Circuit: Grind In Now state the new expectation 20 times. Immediately after you use the Cycle Tool, the wires are open to change. This is the time when you can most effectively rewire your own brain. That’s right! As the emotions cool down, the opportunity to easily rewire the circuit fades.

Maria’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts My boss is really demanding and I am tired all the time. I have so much work to do, and I don’t have the energy to do it. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit n I feel angry that . . . I have so much work to do. I HATE it that I am so tired. I can’t stand it that I have such a horrible job. n

I feel sad that . . . my job is so hard. I feel sad that I don’t know what do to about it. I’m sad that I am so tired. I feel afraid that . . . my being tired will hurt my baby. I feel afraid that it will get worse. I feel afraid that I will fail at my job. 73

I feel that guilty that . . . I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel guilty. What is my part in it? Where is my power in this situation? I feel guilty that I keep my feelings to myself.

What is my unreasonable expectation? My feelings donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter. I have no power. Step 3. Create A New Circuit I DO have some power. Step 4. Strengthen the New Circuit: Grind In I do have some power here.

I do have some power here. I do have some power. I do have some power. I do have some power. I DO HAVE POWER! I do have power. I do have power! I do have POWER! I HAVE POWER! I DO HAVE A LOT OF POWER! I HAVE POWER!

Brain State #5: Stressed Out!

Damage Control Tool When the brain is in a full-blown stress response we are overwhelmed, confused, and either extremely emotional or numb. The circuits that trigger a fullblown stress response are strong. We need to interrupt the wire — to keep the stress buzzer from being stuck on. We state these 10 times to quiet the circuit. DO NOT JUDGE (I will not judge myself. I will not judge others.) n MINIMIZE HARM n KNOW IT WILL PASS. (It’s just a brain state. It’s just a wire!) This tool is very popular. It provides a basic stress “safety net.” Sometimes, it will take you to Brain State 4, and you can do a Cycle. Other times it can take you to Brain State 1. n

Sarah’s Damage Control Do not judge. Minimize Harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. I will not judge myself. I will not judge others. 75

Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just a brain state. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just a wire. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass.

Emotional Evolution: Power The third core circuit of emotional evolution is based on power. During stressful experiences, we move to extremes, feeling all powerful or completely powerless, neither of which serves us well. In that moment of stress, the false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I have no power. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I have power. Essential Pain: I am not in complete control. Earned Reward: Vibrancy

I have been accused of being over-controlling at work. At home, I follow along, and go with the flow. When I say to myself that I have power, that feels good, but then Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m afraid it could get out of control. Then I state the essential pain: I am not in complete control. That has a balancing effect. I feel healthier and have more energy.

Brain Fitness Exercise The natural pleasures of life, those that our ancestors enjoyed, cause natural sustainable rises in the feelgood neurotransmitters. Consider combining exercise with another natural reward like intimacy (e.g., walking with a friend), nature (e.g., going for a run at sunset) or connecting with yourself (e.g., using Emotional Housecleaning or the Cycle Tool while exercising). Joy Foods Our ancestors consumed a diet based on fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and lean proteins, so our genes are compatible with those foods. Check off the vegetables that you like, and bring more of them into your food environment.

Vegetables Acorn squash

Cauliflower

Artichokes

Celery

Arugula

Chard

Asparagus

Chayote

Bamboo shoots

Corn

Banana squash

Cucumbers

Bean sprouts

Eggplant

Beets

Endives

Bok Choy

Fennel

Broccoli

Green beans

Brussels sprouts

Green onions/scallions

Butternut squash

Green peas

Cabbage

Hubbard squash

Carrots

Jicama

Kale

Snow peas

Leeks

Spaghetti squash

Mushrooms

Spinach

Mustard greens

Sprouts

Okra

Summer squash 79

Onions

Sweet Potato

Parsnips

Swiss chard

Pea pods

Tomatillos

Peppers

Tomatoes

Potato*

Tomato juice

Pumpkin

Vegetable juices, 100%

Radishes

Water chestnuts

Romaine

Yams

Scallion

Yellow summer squash

Shallots

Zucchini

Snap peas

Connection Continue connecting daily. Even 3 minutes will motivate you to practice the tools more often. Check in by telephone, email, or text and share your number of Check Ins, minutes exercised and, if you had a Joy Point, then share it.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5 YES

1 2 3 YES 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 n YES

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

Chapter 4

Integrity Doing the right thing

About Integrity Have you ever noticed how great it feels when you are kind to someone or go to great effort to do the right thing? Our brain is wired to give us surges of pleasure when we do something good. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wired into our brain to get spurts of dopamine (a feel-good chemical), as being of love and service is associated with the survival of the species. Consider experimenting with giving yourself these chemical surges. Also, notice how the brain is wired to send messages to the body when we are about to do something that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t good. We get this gut feel, and know what we need: to check In.

Yesterday I was at Brain State 3 and about to make a nasty remark to my co-worker. I got that bad feeling in my stomach. I checked in and was aware of the sanctuary within. I was aware of the reward I wanted more than I wanted the pleasure of making that remark: Integrity. The drive to make that remark evaporated. Whenever I want a power boost, I check in and get to BrainState 1. Then I bring to mind why I am doing it. Often, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Integrity. Just holding that thought swamps the stress. I become this force field of joy, and I can do great things with less effort. 94

Spotlight: Quick Cycles! What’s particularly great about this tool is that once you have learned how to recognize your emotions, it only takes 2 minutes to use this tool. That’s 2 minutes to get from being stressed to feeling good – or great! You don’t have to use it perfectly. Just jump in! The key to making this tool work is to feel your feelings. Emotions open up wires so that you can rewire that knot of stress! Use short, choppy sentence because they are more emotional. When you begin, appreciate that even though your stress seems perfectly justified, it usually is caused by an old memory. That old memory is a wire encoding a basic expectation about life that is not reasonable. You are nabbing a circuit. A circuit is a result of an unreasonable expectation. They form during stress. A moment of stress has a way of creating an unreasonable expectation. Something may have been true for a moment – when we were in stress – but the wire tells us that it is true all the time. So using the Cycle Tool means expressing your feelings until that unreasonable expectation becomes clear to you. After you express your feelings, you’ll ask yourself, “What’s my unreasonable expectation?” At first, you 95

may not nab it. You’ll think, “I don’t know!” However if you pause for a moment, and ask yourself again, often that unreasonable expectation will pop into your mind. Here is an example of a Quick Cycle:

Jayla’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts The situation is that my husband is stressed about money, and he is not nice. I am not nice. We are both on edge. (Notice that Jayla did not express her feelings. She just stated the facts. Perfect! When the feelings were strong in her body, she moved to the next step. She started expressing them.) Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry . . . that he is so nasty. I feel angry that he doesn’t listen to me. I feel ANGRY that he doesn’t pay attention to me.

I feel sad . . . I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad that I don’t have support. I feel afraid . . . it won’t get better. I feel guilty . . . that I nag him. My unreasonable expectation: 96

(Notice that Jayla must pause here. At first, she did not know what her unreasonable expectation was. It helps to do this with another person listening as their presence eases your stress and can make it easier to pause and wait for the unreasonable expectation to appear in your mind. You can do these Cycles in your Joy Connections if you want to do so. Watch . . . now she got it!)

My unreasonable expectation is that he must be perfect. Step 3. Create a New Circuit (Jayla’s reasonable expectation is usually the same as her reasonable one, with the word “not” inserted.) He does not have to be perfect. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit He does NOT have to be perfect.

He does not have to be perfect. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE does not have to be PERFECT. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. He does not have to be PERFECT. HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!! 97

I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. NOR DOES HE! HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I feel better. In fact, I feel great! Thank you for listening.

Why Negative Feelings are Good At Brain State 4, negative feelings are strong. If we fear our anger, it might turn into hostility. If we fear our sadness, it could turn into depression. That is why many people turn off their feelings. They think it is not safe to feel negative feelings. The Cycle Tool changes that. If you express all four feelings – anger, sadness, fear and guilt – they balance one another. The negative feelings aren’t dangerous. Fear of them increases stress. In fact, feeling them melts the stress. As you use this tool over time, you’ll find the source of your stress. You’ll uncover the unreasonable expectation that’s making the situation more stressful. You can only find that wire by feeling your feelings. What you feel, you can heal!

Dave’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts My eating is out of hand. I am craving sugar and I think I gained 2 pounds in the last week. I’m out of control. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I HATE it that I eat so much.

I can’t stand it that I am fat. I am FURIOUS that I have no control. I HATE it that I eat so much. I feel sad I eat so much. I feel afraid I’ll keep gaining weight I feel guilty that I am bad. What’s my unreasonable expectation? I am a bad person. What is my reasonable expectation? I’m a good person. That doesn’t ring true. What does ring true? I am NOT a bad person. That’s better. That feels right.

Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit Just because I overeat, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

I am NOT a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am not bad. I am NOT BAD. I am not BAD, just because I overeat. I am not BAD. I am not bad. I am not bad. I AM NOT BAD! Ha! That feels great. I’m at Brain State 1. That’s strange. I don’t feel hungry. Food isn’t that interesting to me. I think I’ll go shoot some hoops.

Emotional Evolution: Purpose The fourth core circuit of emotional evolution is based on purpose. These circuits are building upon one another, because it takes having safety inside, awareness that we are not bad and clarity about the power we hold in our lives to have the clarity and 100

energy to do the work needed to fulfill your purpose in life. In that moment of stress, the false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I cannot do good. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I can do good. Essential Pain: It takes work. Earned Reward: Integrity

Somewhere along the line I got discouraged. I stopped trying, and lost confidence. Saying this Grind In: I can do good things. Sure, it takes work, but the payoff? Integrity . . . bumps me up about 2 brain states. I grew up with perfectionism, and whatever I did it was not enough. I love this Grind In. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to do everything perfectly. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be an A student. I can do good in the world. I have to play by the rules, but I can do that! I want that feeling of being in integrity.

101

Brain Fitness Exercise If you have been exercising for endurance, using the major muscle groups, consider adding some activities that build strength. Part of being wired at Brain State 1 is honoring and celebrating your body. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that Body Joy that amplifies our pleasure and makes us feel even more whole and more vibrant. Joy Foods Eating lean protein foods can have significant impacts on blood sugar and appetite. A slice of turkey and a few baby carrots mid-afternoon can keep your insulin levels low and your blood sugar up for hours. Identify the protein foods you like and find ways to include them in your meals and snacks. Beans and milk are not on this list because they were not eaten by our ancestors and may not be compatible with our genes. Our genes have changed very little in the last 1 million years, so we may not be biologically equipped to digest them. Eating more of these foods makes sense, but who wants to feel hemmed in by the compulsive need to eat healthy? Instead vow to eat Joy Foods you like, but always to honor your need for Stress Foods. If you really want them, then have them without judgment, and savor every bite. 102

Lean Protein Fish & Shellfish: Poultry & Meat: Barramundi Canadian bacon Calamari Chicken breast Clams Chicken drumsticks Cod Chicken deli meat Crab Chicken, ground Halibut Chicken thighs, skinless Haddock Beef round steak Herring, Atlantic Beef ground round Mackerel, Atlantic Beef flank steak Mahi-mahi Beef sirloin tip roast Mussels Buffalo Ono Ham, all fat removed Oysters, farmed Ham deli meat Prawns Pork chops, lean Red snapper Pork tenderloin Salmon, Alaskan, wild Sausage links, low-fat Sardines Turkey, ground Scallops, farmed Turkey breast Shrimp Turkey deli meat Sole Veal, lean Squid Venison Tilapia Other: Trout Egg Tuna, albacore Egg whites Tuna, yellow fin Egg substitute Protein powder, artificial sweetener free 103

Connection Continue connecting daily with a friend, co-worker, family member or EBT Buddy even for 3 minutes to motivate you to practice the tools more often. You might also decide to listen to one another check in or use the tools. If you do, use the EBT Guidelines to enhance safety and effectiveness. These are: Nurturing Voice Use a nurturing voice toward yourself and others. The foundation of EBT is love and compassion. Avoid Intrusions Do not interrupt them or give unasked-for advice. Just be a warm presence for them while they use the tools. This emotional connection makes it easier for them to use the tools. Connecting Messages After they do a Cycle, give back by sharing the emotions you felt as you listened (e.g., When you did that Cycle, I felt really angry, then when you got to Brain State 1, I felt . . . great. Thank you.) Be Positive Offer no judgments or criticisms. The feelings expressed are shared during a moment of stress. The person wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the same feelings or thoughts 104

when in a balanced state. The opportunity to use the tools during stress and in the presence of another person who is warm and safe to be with brings the best results. Stay Focused Do not mention other programs or products. When using the method in a group or community, keep the focus on practicing the EBT method. Confidentiality Commit to anonymity and confidentiality.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

105

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

106

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

107

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

108

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

109

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

110

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

111

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

112

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

113

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

114

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

115

116

Chapter 5

Intimacy Being close but separate, giving and receiving love

117

About Intimacy Love is a survival need. We are social animals and loving connection eases stress and ramps up oxytocin, providing a deep sense of well-being. Lust and early love cause dopamine highs, much like recreational drugs. After the initial false high, a bond may form, and then the memories of those early in-love moments nourish a lasting relationship. At that point, we settle in and find out whether or not we are compatible, and at that point we trigger each otherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s early wires of attachment. Some of these wires cause power struggles, distancing and/or merging, and the loss of love. However, if we have the skills to rewire those old hurts, often the love deepens. Or we have the courage to leave the relationship because we have a sanctuary within us. We will hurt, but we will not be devastated forever. Regardless of the nature of our relationships, being at Brain State 1 favors intimacy, and that can be achieved using a few good tools.

Spotlight: The Feelings Check Tool Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s review the three questions we answer to prepare ourselves to initiate an effective Connect Tool.

118

How do I feel?

Angry

Grateful

Sad

Happy

Afraid

Secure

Guilty

Proud

Tired

Rested

Tense

Relaxed

Hungry / Full Satisfied Lonely Sick

Loved / Loving Healthy

Do what you need to do to get to Brain State One or Acceptance. n

What do I need?

Logical need: ____________________________________ Deeper need: ____________________________________ n

Do I need support?

If you do, ask “Would you please….?” 119

The Connect Tool The feeling of emotional connection comes when the emotional brains of two people resonate with one another. When we are intimate, we are aware of our own feelings and needs and the feelings and needs of another person. You are aware of yourself: how you feel and what you need. You are aware of the other person: how they might feel and what they might need. It is like the synchronization of a bicycle. When both of these â&#x20AC;&#x153;cyclesâ&#x20AC;? are spinning, we feel a loving connection to ourselves and to another person. We call that the Connect Tool.

The Connect Tool

How do I feel?

How do you feel?

What do I need?

120

What do you need?

This tool comes in handy in interactions with many people in life. When you are around someone, ask yourself, “How do I feel?” and “What do I need?” Then ask yourself, “How do they feel?” and “What do they need?” If either one of these two cycles shuts down, intimacy stops. We merge with them and lose ourselves or we distance from them and lose the connection. As you play with this tool, notice that you can do your part to create a moment of intimacy, even if another person does not. You are going through your day and you see a friend. You check in with yourself and ground yourself in your own feelings and needs. Then you open the emotional pipeline by thinking about how they might be feeling and what they might need. You can’t see into their brain, but you can give it a good guess. We all have mirror neurons that read the emotional state of other people. Imagine you open the emotional pipeline and feel warmth toward them, and awareness of them on an emotional level. You say a few things and they are rude to you. Or they are distracted and don’t open their emotional pipeline.

121

That’s fine. You know you have done your part. You have opened the emotional pipeline. Sometimes people open up back and sometimes they don’t. When we are stressed, all of us tend to have our Connect Tool shut down. We may connect with others in ineffective ways… or not connect at all.

Compassionate Love When people don’t connect with us, it’s probably because of their brain state. It’s just a brain state, and it will pass. Knowing this is very important, because although relationships can soothe us, our closest relationships not only can also bring us the most joy but also the most stress. Those who are close to us arouse the wiring of our early hurts. This includes our spouse, our close relatives, even our boss … anyone whose relationship we depend upon. The same is true for them. We bring up their wiring of early hurts, too, so they are more likely to be in stress. They are more likely to distance from us in stressful times or to do hurtful things. They are apt to be very needy, controlling, reactive and difficult at times. That’s stress for you!

122

Distancing and Merging When the brain is in stress, its priority is survival and we go to extremes in relationships. That’s true for all of us. Stress triggers us to be too close or too distant. Too Close (Merged) — Our boundaries get very thin. We only know how they feel and what they need. We lose track of how we feel and what we need. We’re too stressed! We only know what we want — which is for the other person to give us love, safety, comfort. We try to fix, manipulate or control them. We can’t find our own sanctuary, so we are demanding to use theirs. Too Distant (Disengaged) — Our boundaries get very thick. We only know how we feel and what we need. We don’t care how they feel and what they need. We’re too stressed! We only know what we want — for the other person to leave us alone. We judge them! We get as far away from them as we can. When we can’t find our own sanctuary, we try to find it from anything or anyone else … but them!

123

What are your tendencies when you are stressed? I distance. I merge. I do both. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure. What are the tendencies of other people who are close to you? They distance. They merge. They do both. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure.

The Effective Repair Relationships go through growing pains over time. To stay close but separate means staying aware of your own feelings and needs. It means being aware of their feelings and needs, too. It means being close but still keeping your most important connection with yourself. That gives you a reservoir of love and strength that is the basis for healthy relationships.

124

In normal, healthy, loving relationships, people have conflicts. It helps because it keeps our boundaries intact. We have feelings and needs that they don’t like. They have feelings and needs that we don’t like. We’re not just one “blob” but are separate. We don’t lose who we are just because we are in a relationship. Sometimes during conflict, we say and do things that we later regret. That is normal. Afterwards, we take our time to connect with our sanctuary, and return to Brain State 1 or 2. Then, when we are ready, we do a very important thing: We do our part to repair the rift. We approach the other person when we believe that they are in a brain state in which they can hear us. We say what we regret. We affirm our love. We don’t shame ourselves. We don’t shame them. We learn from the experience.

I feel guilty that I treated you badly. I am sorry. Next time when I am that angry, I will go for a walk rather than get into a fight with you. I feel sad you said that, but I know my part. I blamed you for what I did. I am sorry. I love you. I hope you will forgive me. I love you. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m sorry for my part in it. Let’s start again. You are important to me. 125

The Sandwich: Making an Effective Request What if you need to make a request? Just use 1-2-3 Connect, but as part of the second step, be assertive, and use this “Sandwich.” Bread (Honest empathy): I appreciate that . . . I care that . . . Meat (Effective Request): I feel . . . I need . . . Would you please. . .? Bread (Honest empathy – again!): I appreciate . . . I love . . .

Maria, I appreciate that you are tired. I feel sad because I have no ride to the doctor. I need a ride. Would you please give me one? I know you are busy, too. Kevin, I appreciate that you are stressed. I feel angry when you say those things to me. I need you to know how I feel. Would you please tell me how that is for you to hear? I love you very much. Dave, I know you are really busy. I feel . . . worried that I’m not exercising. I need you to support me in getting my exercise. Would you please take care of our daughter for 30 minutes so that I can exercise? I know that won’t be easy for you. I would be very grateful for your help.

126

Requests are challenging. The key is to be assertive, not passive or aggressive. That means keeping in mind how they feel and what they need and how you feel and what you need. Also, there is no benefit to tangling with someone when they are stressed! So check their brain state as well as your own. Before making a request, be sure youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in Brain State 1 or 2, then ask yourself: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Is it a reasonable expectation that something good will happen by making this request right now?â&#x20AC;? Only make the request if it is! The Emotional Pipeline: An Intimate Connection in 10 Minutes! Many couples wake up in the morning or re-connect in the evening by taking 10 minutes to listen to one another do Emotional Housecleaning. They use the pocket reminder to remember the 8 feelings. Many friends use it, too. They sit face to face, with connection body language, knee to knee, leaning toward one another and looking eye to eye. First one person completes the 8 sentences, then the other does the same thing. No interrupting. No unasked for advice. It opens the emotional pipeline and it only takes 10 minutes!

127

Then we collect a Joy Point from having done our best to repair. We remind ourselves that relationships are sometimes difficult and that nobody has to be perfect. We remind ourselves that we will give love stopping short of allowing abuse to occur.

Collecting Intimacy Moments When you awake in the morning, say to yourself, “I am creating JOY in my life!” Then, as you go through your day, stay checked in and watch for moments of intimacy to occur! When they do, you get a Joy Point, and can feel surges of pleasure in your body. To get more Intimacy Moments, use the 1-2-3 Connect Tool.

The 1-2-3 Connect Tool Step. 1. Check In Before you connect with someone, connect with yourself. Appreciate that each moment of connection can bring rewards, but it has risks, too. So connecting with yourself creates safety from within. Check in and get to Brain State 1 or acceptance. If you find you are in a stressed state, expect less. A social “hello” may be all you can manage. If you are at 5, connecting may not be effective. You’re apt to distance or merge. Consider taking a break and connecting with this person later. 128

Step 2. Use the Connect Tool Be aware of your own feelings and needs. Open the emotional pipeline (your emotional awareness of another person) and be aware of how they feel and what they need. If their Brain State is at 1 or 2, connecting is easy. If they are in the more stressed states, it is more difficult. When they are at Brain State 4 or 5, change your expectations. Their reptilian brain is in charge.

My husband is at Brain State 5. I think I’ll wait to bring up the problem with our credit card. Oh, my son is at Brain State 5. I won’t judge him. It scares me that he is so angry, but I’ll connect with the sanctuary inside. I won’t yell at him. My friend is at Brain State 2. It’s a great time to talk about our babies and share our joy.

129

Step 3. Collect a Joy Point! Intimacy is challenging. Say to yourself some kind words, such as “good try!” or “You did the best you could.” afterwards, and feel a surge of joy in your body. That helps strengthen the wiring of connection, even if they didn’t open their emotional pipeline. Your capacity for intimacy is increasing. YOU are strengthening your own intimacy skills. As you move through our day, anticipate moments of joy from intimacy. They are sparks of pleasure, the connection between the emotional brain of you and another person. Feeling love for another creates these sparks of pleasure within your own brain, even if they do not return that love in that moment. Intimacy is one of the greatest joys in life.

130

Emotional Evolution: Love The fifth core circuit of emotional evolution is based on love. In that moment of stress, the false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I cannot love. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I can love. Essential Pain: Some people may reject me. Earned Reward: Intimacy

I watch television and shut down emotionally when I’m stressed. My wife is used to it, but then we drift apart and lovemaking becomes less frequent. I use this Grind In: I can love. She may reject me, but I won’t reject myself. The reward? Maybe a little more intimacy? I know that I get my love from within, but when I’m stressed I merge and get so needy. I hate that! I start my Grind In with the first core circuit and go from there. I use the core expectations: I do exist. I am not bad. I do have power. I can do good. I can love. My body relaxed. I can stop merging. 131

Brain Fitness Exercise Consider adding to your exercise plan some form of exercise that increases flexibility and your range of motion in your joints. EBT offers yoga as one option, with a program of Eudonic Yoga developed by EBT Provider and Director of Clinical Research, Arinn Testa, PsyD. There are many other options for increased flexibility. The point is to enjoy your body, and to use it in ways that bring you more joy. Joy Foods Consuming enough essential fatty acids is important to brain fitness, and it staves off the drive for sugary foods. Eating sugared drinks, especially juices and sodas, which are high in fructose, clogs the liver and increases risk of hypertension, diabetes and high lipids. Add small amounts of healthy fats to your food and notice that the fruits and vegetables satisfy you more, and your hunger decreases. A small handful of nuts, a tablespoon of oil on a salad or a bit of nut butter on a pear or apple add to the joy of life.

132

Healthy Fats Hazelnut

Pecans

Macadamia

Pine nuts

Canola

Pistachios

Seeds

Walnuts

Flaxseed

Olive, extra virgin

Pumpkin seeds

Peanut

Sesame seeds

Safflower

Sunflower seeds

Sunflower

Tahini/sesame butter

Salad Dressings

Oils Dressings made with vinegar or lemon and healthy oils

Natural butters made with healthy nuts

133

Sanctuary Time Everyone deserves 10 minutes of sanctuary time. This is a time to be quiet and peaceful, turning attention inside and using the tools to clear away emotional clutter. It is a time to be aware of the peace and power within. Included in this course is an audio EBT Sanctuary Time guided practice CD. Enjoy relaxing and rewiring all at once.

Connection Continue connecting daily even for 3 minutes to motivate you to practice the tools more often. Check in by telephone, email, or text and share your number of Check Ins, minutes exercised and, if you had a Joy Point, then share it.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

134

135

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

136

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

137

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

138

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

139

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

140

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

141

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

142

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

143

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

144

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

145

146

Chapter 6

Spirituality Aware of the grace, beauty and mystery of life

147

About Spirituality When our brain is in balance, we are naturally aware of the grace, beauty and mystery of life. In EBT, spirituality is whatever you define it to be. However, when the brain is in balance, a sense of connection comes naturally. We have no needs. We are just in awe â&#x20AC;&#x201C; at the sunset, at the spider web in the corner of the room, at the freedom we feel to love and be loved.

Spotlight: Emotional Housecleaning Tool The Emotional Housecleaning Tool is very effective at clearing away emotional clutter. However, most people find one of the feelings challenging to feel. Particularly when that feeling is a negative one, it can stop the natural flow of feelings that brings wisdom and healing. If emotional fitness with any of these four feelings is low, another negative feeling goes out of balance . . . or feelings may shut down altogether. Then we are left only with over-thinking or running marathons (in work, love or play). When we are not trained early in life that anger is safe and good, then often sadness turns into depression. If we canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel fear, then we may take unwise risks and end up feeling shame. A robust 148

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I feel guilty . . .â&#x20AC;? skill is essential to learning from our mistakes. So please take a moment and identify the one feeling that is most challenging for you to feel. Consider doing a Cycle about it to ease your stress, then practicing it daily for a week. Notice any improvements in your emotional fitness level for that feeling. Do that for one positive feeling and one negative feeling. The negative feeling that I will practice and strengthen: I feel angry that . . I feel sad that . . . I feel afraid that . . . I feel guilty that . . . The positive feeling that I will practice and strengthen: I feel grateful that . . . I feel happy that . . . I feel secure that . . . I feel proud that . . .

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to pump up my I feel angry skill, and do a Cycle about having it not be OK for me to be angry.

149

Cycles Strengthen “Missing Feelings” One of the basic rules of doing Cycles is that you don’t stop until you POP to Brain State 1. Only then do you know that you have rewired, for the dopamine pop means that you are locking in the new, effective wires. Plus, you are at Brain State 1 and a beacon of light. Your joy is contagious through the mirror neurons of others. Your joy is your gift to them, as they catch that optimal brain state. If you don’t pop when you state the new reasonable expectation, then just create a limit. This means finding a reasonable expectation and supporting it with positive thoughts. Next is identifying the essential pain, and finally rewarding yourself with one of the higher order rewards (eudonic rewards). These rewards pop us to Brain State 1 because the survival of the species is based on our accessing them – and the compassion and wisdom they provide. The web tools at www.ebt.org will guide you through that process. Many people turn off their feelings because they were taught it is not safe to feel negative feelings. The Cycle Tool changes that. If you express all four feelings – anger, sadness, fear and guilt – they balance one another. 150

Sue’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts It wasn’t OK to be angry around my house. Boys could be angry. The girls had to be nice. Sad was OK, but not angry. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry . . . actually I feel sad.

I feel sad that I can’t get angry. I HATE IT that I can’t get angry. I feel FURIOUS that they shamed me if I was angry. I feel afraid I will never honor my anger. I feel guilty that I give up and just get depressed. My unreasonable expectation: My unreasonable expectation is that I could stuff my anger and be a happy person! Ha! That’s not reasonable! Step 3. Create a New Circuit It’s OK to be angry at times. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit It’s OK to be angry at times.

I have a right to my anger. 151

I have a right to my anger. I have a right to my anger. Like all people, I can be angry at times. Like all people, I can be angry at times. Like all people I can be angry at times. Like all people, I can be ANGRY at times! It is OK to be angry at times. IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY AT TIMES! It is OK to be angry at times. That feels GREAT!

152

Emotional Evolution: Desire The sixth core circuit of emotional evolution is based on desire. In that moment of stress, when our greatest desire is to feel worthy, we feel undeserving. Therefore, we push away the bounty of life that could be ours for the taking. We cannot receive … it feels wrong and unsafe. The false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I am not worthy. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I am worthy. Essential Pain: I must receive. Earned Reward: Spirituality

I give and give until I am empty, then I get depressed and feel powerless. This Grind In has been great. When I’m in Brain State 4 and feeling worthless, I start from the first circuit and build to this one: I do exist. I am not bad. I have power. I can do good. I can love. I am worthy. It’s an emotional anchor for me. 153

Brain Fitness Exercise Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time to play! Who wants a parent, partner or best friend who has forgotten how to wiggle their toes in sand, shoot hoops, dance their #@* off or sing in the shower? Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s play. Moments of exercise only count if you are being playful, laughing out loud, being silly or having a GREAT time! Stress Foods The rest of the foods (those not listed previously) are considered Stress Foods. Research at UCSF conducted by stress researcher Mary Dallman, PhD revealed that these foods can quiet the amygdala, the Worry Circuit. However, they are also apt to wreak havoc on the body, ramping up inflammation, insulin, blood pressure, appetite, cravings and more when they are consumed in excess. The most important thing about Stress Foods is to never deny yourself the right to eat them. Excessive restraint just fuels overeating. If you really need Stress Foods, then by all means have them. In EBT, the advanced courses include training in how to rewire the circuits that ramp up the desire for various excesses. Once the emotional drive for Stress Foods eases, then the drama is over. The desire passes and Joy Foods satisfy us more of the time. 154

Sanctuary Time Continue with EBT Sanctuary Time practice, and take solo time to use this tool … take a 10 minute vacation and emotionally and spiritually connect with yourself. Setting limits so that you have this time is really important, as it is a statement not only to yourself, but to those close to you that your inner peace and power are worth supporting. Sleep As your stress eases and you experience more joy in daily life, be sure you get enough sleep. The national average for hours of sleep continues to dwindle, now down to less than seven. Sleep deprivation impacts brain function, arouses emotional shut downs and promotes getting “triggered” easily, and causes memory andconcentration problems, as well. What’s more, there is a strong link between obesity and sleep duration. Sleep deprivation decreases levels of leptin, which suppresses appetite, and increases levels of ghrelin, a chemical that ramps up hunger, especially for Stress Foods. Why are so many people sleep deprived? It may be overworking or anxiety, but often it is distractions, staying up to watch television, go online or play 155

computer games. All these things are enticing artificial rewards. Track your sleep this week, aiming for 8 hours or more.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

156

157

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

158

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________ Sanctuary Time? YES Sleep 8+?

YES

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

159

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

160

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________ Sanctuary Time? YES Sleep 8+?

YES

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

161

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

162

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________ Sanctuary Time? YES Sleep 8+?

YES

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

163

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

164

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________ Sanctuary Time? YES Sleep 8+?

YES

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

165

My Check Ins My State

Tools Used

Got To

ST FC EH C DC

166

My Progress Check-Ins 1

Joy Points 1

Grind Ins?

YES

Exercise 30 45 60 Joy Foods?

YES

Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Connection was with _____________ Sanctuary Time? YES Sleep 8+?

YES

Biggest Accomplishment Today: ____________________________

167

168

Chapter 7

Freedom The drives for common excesses fade

169

About Freedom When you have the skill to create Sanctuary and all the rewards that come from that, then the drives for common excesses fade. You have freedom. The Unreasonable Expectations that you have been learning about in this course have kept us stressed. These are wires of false generalizations that were wired at Brain State 4. However, there are other circuits, which are even deeper and more powerful. They are wires encoded during moments at Brain State 5. They form false associations between safety and whatever we reached for in the moment; we associated our survival with whatever that external substance or behavior was. As long as these “Survival Circuits” remain, they tend to generate more of the other Stress Circuits, and common excesses do not fade. The advanced EBT courses (“EBT Kits”) include learning how to rewire Survival Circuits, and securing lasting and profound results with EBT. Most of us have three Survival Circuits: a mood we get stuck in, a relationship pattern, and a behavior that we want to stop, but we can’t seem to shake it off for good.

170

Rewiring these emotional circuits is such a freeing experience because we are not forcing ourselves to “give up” a pattern. Instead we are erasing or weakening the emotional wire that drives it. You know you have erased the wire when the drive to overeat, to be hostile, to merge or distance has faded. Life is so much easier. We finally feel free. Consider the behavior, mood or relationship pattern that your brain goes to when in stress. If you decide to continue with the advanced courses, you can learn how to rewire these circuits. Most health problems, work problems and relationship problems are caused by our reactive responses when these circuits get triggered. Let’s rewire them!

My Emotional Survival Circuit When I am stressed, my mood turns to: Hostility Depression Anxiety Shame Numbness False Highs

171

Other__________ None

My Relational Survival Circuit When I am stressed, I tend to: Merge with others and lose myself. Distance from others and isolate. Both Other__________ None

My Behavioral Survival Circuit When I am stressed, I tend to: Overeat Overwork Use Chemicals Overspend Use Technology Take Risks Other__________ None

172

The EBT Kits begin with focusing on deepening the skills you learned in this basic course. Once those skills are solid, you will have an emotional safety net. You can process the feelings from these 5-state circuits. Rewiring these circuits makes changing easier and more lasting. Only emotions open these wires and enable you to rewire them. We can’t think our way out of a Survival Circuit. Please take a few moments to reflect on your Survival Circuits, even though rewiring them is beyond the scope of this course. The next course, EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary will give you more training in how to use these tools effectively. Becoming highly effective in using these emotional processing tools is an essential prerequisite to rewiring a Survival Circuit. EBT Kit 1 takes about 6 to 8 weeks to complete, and by that time, most people are eager begin EBT Kit 2: Authenticity, and learn how to rewire their first Survival Circuit. Right now, you can “date” one of your Survival Circuits. These circuits are encoded during stress, and you may be aware of when they were encoded. Identify one of your Survival Circuits and write below about when you think it was encoded. Being aware that this circuit is a leftover memory, an old wire, can be helpful. If you don’t know, that’s fine, too. As you 173

practice the tools, and connect with others, old wires will surface.

My Survival Circuit is getting stressed and eating. I think that was encoded in the womb. I have always had huge drives for sugary foods. I have no idea when my Survival Circuit was encoded. When I’m stressed, I distance. In terms of “dating” my circuit, I remember doing that as a teenager. I think it was encoded when I was about 12 years old. _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

174

Emotional Evolution: Wisdom The seventh core circuit of emotional evolution is based on wisdom. In that moment of stress, wisdom vanishes. We really, truly believe that we cannot have joy. Other people can have joy, but they ran out of it before they got to us. There was none left, and now what are we to do? The false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I cannot have joy. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I AM JOY. Essential Pain: I must give. Earned Reward: Freedom

When I am at Brain State 1, which happens rarely, I feel joy. Yet itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more than that. I feel deeply wise. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that my very nature is joy, my essence is joy. Then it vanishes, but in that moment I AM JOY. And if I am JOY, then I have a lot to give. I can take joy in being of service, giving back. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t clutch possessions as tightly or worry as much 175

about work or my body. I feel free, really free to live my life and to feel that peace inside. I use the entire string of Grind Ins, including this one: I do exist. I am not bad. I do have power. I can do good. I can love. I am worthy. I AM JOY. Instant Joy Point there.

Biggest Accomplishment What is your biggest accomplishment in EBT Basics: Wired for Joy, the change you are most proud of and that is most meaningful to you? _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

Biggest Challenge What is your biggest challenge in EBT Basics: Wired for Joy, the change you will focus on in the next week to get the best results? _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ 176

The Power You Have Now that you know the basics, you can start using these techniques. If the emotional brain were logical, you would be all set. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d have everything you need to get wired for joy. However, the emotional brain clings to old ways because they feel safe. Safety is this brainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s priority, for it is a very primitive part of us. So we developed the EBT Kits, the advanced courses that include journals, videos and audio programs for each 6-week course In EBT. This basic Pocket Journal is the preparation for those courses. Each is designed to build on the rewiring you did and the tools you learned in the previous ones. If you are already wired at Brain States 1 or 2, completing this course may be all you need. If you are wired for Brain States 3, 4 or 5, you will intend to use the tools, but it will be hard to follow through. The emotional brain is the ultimate tortoise. Move it too quickly and it revolts. Move it too slowly and it stays stuck in past ways. The EBT Kits give you a program to move up your set point and experience lasting results.

177

Your Next Step EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary Use the tools from this course in highly effective ways so that your brain catches on to the joy habit. Learn how to create peace and safety from within, Sanctuary. EBT Kit 2: Authenticity Rewire your behavioral survival circuit (eating, spending, merging, drinking, etc.) so that the drive to use it weakens. Your set point moves up and you learn techniques to enhance self-acceptance, feeling whole and being genuine, and embody Authenticity. EBT Kit 3: Vibrancy Your emotional set point has improved and it is easier to change habits. You rewire your emotional survival circuit so that you stay in the balanced, positive emotions more often. Your reward? Feeling healthy with a zest for life, Vibrancy. EBT Kit 4: Integrity With your set point in the balanced range, you rewire your last survival circuit for relationships. You tell the story of your life as a way to heal even more deeply. Your health has improved in important ways. The drives to merge and distance fade. You are deeply happy. 178

EBT Kit 5: Intimacy Now that you have a solid foundation in connection with yourself, you can more easily connect with others. You have increased emotional closeness, sexual or sensual pleasures and loving companionship. EBT Kit 6: Spirituality At this point, you have an abundance of all the rewards, and complete the training now wired at Brain State 1. You learn techniques to â&#x20AC;&#x153;plug inâ&#x20AC;? to the experience of your joy; your brain naturally moves through stress back to joy. You have a new sense of freedom in your life. Graduates After completing the course, you will have graduated from the program. However, many people find their EBT group so warm, entertaining and powerful that they continue with their group or coach periodically. Some become EBT Volunteers and bring these tools to others. Some, who are health professionals, complete additional training and offer EBT as their professional practice. Once you know and possess these tools, it is natural to want more people to know the power of the method and to see it transform their lives. 179

Your Plans Please identify the rewards you want from EBT, and plan your next step.

What I most want is sanctuary. I’m starting EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary right away. I’m getting into a telegroup. I am using the tools with my 9-year-old daughter. I taught her Emotional Housecleaning yesterday. The reward that is most important to me is freedom. I don’t want to crave sweets and I’m using EBT to lose weight. I’m starting on EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary and signed up for a local group with an EBT Coach. I am going to use the tools on my own for a while. I’m already wired at about 2, so this may be all I need. Time will tell. I am going to use the online community for support plus some coaching. What I want is to be wired at Brain State 1. I want to do that for my kids, and for myself. I will continue with the EBT Coach I had in this course.

180

What is your plan for EBT? The reward I want from EBT:

Sanctuary Authenticity Vibrancy Integrity Intimacy Spirituality Freedom All the above: Wired at Brain State 1.

The timing that is right for me: Ready to go. I’ll order EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary now. I’m going to start EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary in a few weeks. I’m not sure. The support I will use:

EBT Telegroup EBT Group in my community (see provider locator on ebt.org) EBT Coaching EBT Internet Community Other: _____________________

181

I will share the EBT ideas with:

Friends A family member My physician or other health care professional My employer My partner or spouse Other:____________________________

Congratulations on completing EBT Basics: Wired for Joy!

182

How to Make a Connection It takes only 3 minutes to ease stress, boost feel-good chemicals, and strengthen the circuits that bring you joy. Arrange a daily time to meet. Call them at that time daily. Or arrange another time if schedules require it. As you begin the call, ask, “Is this a good time?” to double check that it is. Take turns supporting each other checking in. Tell each other how many Check Ins you did the day before, and how many minutes you exercised. If you got a Joy Point, share it. Say thanks and goodbye. Sometimes you may choose to give them Connecting Message, sharing some of the feelings and sensations you had while you listened. That’s it!

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY

183

Connection Buddies Name

e-mail/phone

_______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ 184

Congratulations! You have completed EBT Basics: Wired for Joy! You have learned the fundamentals of EBT, and have planned your next step in the training. One of the joys of this method is its grounding in neuroscience, so each time that you use the tools, please bring to mind all the scientists who have pieced together the science that we have drawn upon to create EBT. Regardless of whether or not you choose to continue with the advanced training, we hope you will enjoy using these tools and share EBT with your friends, family, co-workers and health care professionals. Our EBT Community Fund was created to give graduates an opportunity to give back to the method, and there are additional opportunities to volunteer for our organization. As you use these tools over time, chances are you will experience life in new ways. As you do, we hope you keep in mind that what you are experiencing is not about EBT. On the day you were born, you had all the inherent strength, goodness and wisdom you would ever need. All you required were the tools to access it. www.ebt.org 185

186