Hopezine #6 / Summer 2021

Things are reverting to normal and my psyche is starting to follow suit. Here in suburban NY we were the epicenter of the early outbreak of the coronavirus. Today my mask usually lays limp upon my neck. Vaccination is opening new doors. It feels good.

In terms of my website, NoLongerLonely. com, surprisingly things never really ground to a halt. Users generally adjusted to the times. I think users have always been more open to the idea of long-distance romance. Historically most testimonials I get are of people who met remotely and gradually led up to an in-person encounter. During Covid users showed real patience in scaling their relationships. While Nolongerlonely doesn’t offer video chat, the web is abounding with easy solutions.

Writing to you this summer, I think more people will escalate a promising start to a relationship to the next level. For me, I see an imperative to spread word of the site and get more and more people to join. I know from a personal standpoint that my general mood suffers during the colder months. I look forward to summer. It’s always been a time for connection for me. A time for outdoor events and travel. I’m hoping this Nolongerlonely & USA special edition of Hopezine will offer hope to many readers from all over the world and that users will take advantage of more connections for more joy. Happy Summer everyone.

Page

Writer Lynn Smith ponders how her life has changed since she started taking medication

Page

Testimonials from users of NoLongerLonely.com

Page

Writer Joe Tuesday looks at his experience of online dating and of NoLongerLonely.com

Page

Guest Editor Jim Leftwich writes a poem to soothe during lockdown restrictions slowly easing

Page

Rapper The Last Skeptik shares his own memories of a summer DJing in California

Page

Managing Editor Erica Crompton shares her NYC-style dress sense that’s fun and easy going

The Big Secret

by Lynn Smith

As an adoptee, I grew up in a very loving home with my mom, dad and younger adopted sister. When my parents split in my early teens, I had the worst struggle with getting along with my mom and my sister. Mom would constantly kick me out. I never got along with my sister as we were just too different people. I bounced around, but no one knew, except for those who took me in. This is where I grew my independence early on and followed my mom’s 3 step life advice she sketched on my forehead from early on to live life by the 3 steps in this order that I somehow always seemed to reverse:

1- health

2- job

3- boys

From an early age, I always tried to understand why I felt so conflicted with fitting in. My mom told me prior to her death last year, that as a baby, something was off. I would stare into space, zone out, and was very quiet. Doctors thought I was possibly autistic but medical diagnosis back in the 60’s were a lot less dense than they are now. In high school I always was known as a zoner. I would lose time somehow lacking the attention span to be focused consistently leading to average grades. I had friends, wasn’t either overly or underly popular and was well known for having a nice ass. Not something to brag about, but it felt nice to not be seen for what I was hiding inside my head that consumed every minute of the day.

In my early 20’s, I went to visit my Doctor for a routine check-up that has been years overdue. After the exam he said to meet him in his office. He stated his concern in my appearance and vitals then advised me of a scheduled appointment he made with a psychiatrist the following day. I was confused. Apparently my eating disorder showed on the outside when I thought I nailed hiding everything on the inside.

From there, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety and ADHD and have been on meds since. That doctor was the holy grail that helped me keep my true self hidden with much more ease. Symptoms I questioned for so long now made sense. My temper, crying spells, the battle in my head to always feel the need to make others happy in order to be accepted and the magnified feelings from already being an empath.

Although I always held a full-time job so I would always keep a roof over my head and have health benefits, I still carried the internal demon of darkness that filled my head with suicide, self-esteem issues and isolation. But it is far less than it was prior to pills. I always found sleep to be the best escape which explains my constant tardiness – everywhere, all the time. Getting up to me is the most painful part of the day! Unfortunately, I still hold this horrible habit of being fashionably late but have gained some control over it enough

to not piss people off as much.

Before meds, I always felt the need of proving myself to be accepted by pleasing others and being agreeable. But this led to more hurt. I held in my opinions because I am not an extrovert, kept to myself to avoid being misunderstood and have learned that less is more. Keeping in my emotions was an escape I adapted to. Throughout life on meds, my forecast has been cloudy with a chance of rain which is far much better than living in a thunderstorm every day.

Now, divorced after an 18-year relationship, I am engaged to an Angel who sees me for me and loves me for it. He is the most patient, kind-hearted man

I have ever known. I always categorize people by their heart. If you have one, it shows. These are people I try to surround myself with. I lost friends in the past now knowing it was because of my so-called “problem”. We all have our internal struggles. Whatever it may be, we all keep it hidden in order to feel accepted in our world. But I am feeling empowered to admit who I am now because I am in control of my own life. This is not a problem, but it is a “condition” that I was given to deal with to become stronger as a fighter.

“Nolongerlonely.com has been a great resource for finding like-minded people. I’ve been a member for over 10 years and have met some very interesting people, including my wife! I’ve been married for over 9 years now, but I still continue to meet people and make good friends on the site. It’s not just for dating, and can be beneficial for anyone suffering from mental health issues as a place to find kindred spirits, pen-pals, and general support. As the name suggests, the site can really help you to be no longer lonely, or at least, a little less so.”

“Thanks to Nolongerlonely.com, I am now corresponding with a lovely lady from Atlanta. I am very grateful to the website for helping us get to know one another. Thanks again.”

Christian Bagley Saint Petersburg, Florida

John Orchard

Online Dating

by Joe Tuesday

Having recently come out of a relationship and feeling sorry for myself I decided it would be a good idea to see if the stuff I’m made out of is still somewhat sought after by the opposite sex. I’ve never been great at dating and forming relationships, my last relationship was the first long term relationship I’d had and I’d wanted it to last forever. Unfortunately, that was not the hand that fate dealt me and found myself here again, sat in front of my computer, with my phone to hand

trying to decide what to do next.

I have a mental illness (the diagnosis seems to change from time to time, but it is generally schizo something or other) and the dating world for someone like me can be fraught with problems when disclosing this to potential partners. To be honest, I try to limit my disclosure to “I have a mental illness and had a breakdown a few years ago,” and perhaps expand on that if things go well down the line. I

wouldn’t even go this far on most sites, e.g the Tinders, Bumbles and Pofs of this world.

A friend of mine suggested I look at nolongerlonely.com, a dating website exclusively for those who have mental illness. For me, disclosure would still be a bit iffy (even people with mental illness can be judgy), but it seemed to me to be a safer space than the usual sites. Mental illness can be coupled with job problems and money worries so I was glad to see it is pretty cheap. The most expensive subscription is £50 for a lifetime on the site with extra help tailoring your profile. Much better value than any other site I’ve come across. At the moment the site does seem to be suffering a bit from take up. There could be more people on there and it is challenging to make connections. I have made a couple but they have both turned out to be “flaky” when it comes to messaging. This is by no means unusual in the dating world, it’s just it would be nice to have a few more options of suitors when coming to message.

The site is pretty easy to use and most people are fairly open about their mental illness in their profiles. I chose not to be, and this is okay too. Though I’d say I’d be happier disclosing after making a connection here than I would on your average site.

My search goes on and I’ve made a couple of connections from other sites that look like they’re rapidly approaching the friend zone and I’ve got to the WhatsApp stage with them. Nolongerlonely.com is the only dating site I’m still subscribed to and I log on every now and then to see if new suitors have signed up in my area.

Dating with a mental illness really is a bit of a minefield because of how harsh a lot of people are with their decision making. Even if it is not the case, I perceive that someone like me is first to the chopping block when it comes to decision making about potential life partners. There’s too much to think about. Profile’s state they’d just like someone “normal” or someone “who has their shit together,” and neither of those are really me, I’m just doing the best I can. That’s not to say that I can’t be either of those things some of the time, but I wouldn’t want to be all the time, I like the vulnerability and empathy that I have developed through my struggles. It has also helped my build resilience. I think perhaps others on nolongerlongerlonely.com may be like me, so perhaps one day I will find my diamond in the rough

Identity Lost

by Jim Leftwich

Clasping at air

All thought in celestial space

My thoughts I do not own

All originality is banal

It makes no difference

Locked inside or put upon the page

Puncturing the rind of the mind

Thoughts flow in

But others are sucked out I stand alone

Solidarity is a paltry promise

The devils of the mind command isolation

The neon emotions of dysfunction I hold and abate but It does not dull the suffering

The diaspora of feigning a sound mind

Has led me full circle

The tribe I abandoned will perhaps take me back

Finally I am posed to pull the switch The one that governs dread and anticipation

Can lead to balance of peace of mind

The quest for openness

The desire for the porous borders of free thought

Smile on my progress and ensure the fight continues

Memories of the USA Rave by Last Skeptik

I love performing anywhere in California. The vibe of being in the sunshine, playing music in LA - the city which birthed so many of my favourite records is a mad concept, and there is no better feeling. Everything feels like you’re in a movie. Even just the act of waking up and stepping out your door in California inevitably ends up in the maddest adventure and driving up to play Coachella was especially nuts. The festival itself I’d been hyped to go to for years and the lineup was crazy. After playing the festival itself I was asked to do a DJ set at the Soho House after party. Every other DJ on the bill was playing really, really dead house music and so standardly I made the assessment: I’m in California by a pool, that’s by a lake, with unlimited free BBQI’m playing exclusively all West Coast rap. It turned in to a party real quick

- so many cocktails and Katy Perry dancing in front of my DJ booth. There’s a ton of next level memories of raves and parties that I’ve reminisced on especially in the past year, but I’ve been trying to instead stop focussing on what I’ve experienced as solely a thing that lives in the past - but that new, different and better memories are about to come once we all escape this pandemic impasse. Especially as looking back at a lot of these memories I seriously question why no one around me told me the trash sense of style I had. Shocking. I’ve learnt since then to go with black t shirts and black jeans forever to protect your future integrity.

The Last Skeptik’s new track, Memories of the Rave, is available to download at backl.ink/memoriesoftherave

One Way to New York Cheugy

by Erica Crompton

In 2002 I booked a one-way ticket to New York City with no plans to return. I took a job at Santa D’Orazio’s photographic agency and spent my time eating Burritos in Brooklyn by night, while chugging photographic portfolios around magazines based in Lower Manhattan in the day.

With my neon-pink Phat Farm vest and mismatched Marc Jacobs kilt in navy and green, what I didn’t know in my Bloomingdales-bargainbasement look is that I was onto a look that would soon be haled on-trend.

Cheugy – pronounced ‘Chew Gee’ is the new ting. Think Miu Miu sandals with Chanel socks: it’s a mix of knowing brands mixed in a notwoken-but-woke way.

According to The New York Times definition: Cheugy is not quite “basic,” which can describe someone who is a conformist or perhaps generic in their tastes, and it’s not quite “uncool.”

It’s not embarrassing or even always negative. Cheugy can be used, broadly, to describe someone who

is out of date or trying too hard. And while a lot of cheugy things are associated with millennial women, the term can be applied to anyone of any gender and any age. Today I’m looking back on memories of my own blend of NYC style for inspiration: a cherry print teamed with leopard; sportswear worn with a Cuban cigar to a cocktail party. A wedding dress with plimsoles for the supermarket. Or luxury maxi-print, silk PJs with a big, beige trench thrown over and black leather Mary Janes to go to the office.

It’s a fun look if you fancy trying it –mismatch, do your worst, anything goes! Celebrities who’ve got it right include Bjork slipping on a Swan for the Oscars and Lady Gaga wearing slabs of meat at a star-studded event.

You don’t even need to put any clothes on! As a fashionista told the New York Times: “One of my friends said Lasagna is cheugy.”

Photo by Johnny Holden