Another perfect phone call

DON: Is that you Vlad?

VLAD: Yes it’s me Donnie.

DON: Listen, congrats on your referendum win. You’ll have plenty of time to MRGA.

VLAD: What?

DON: Make Russia Great Again. You know my election is in November. The Fake News SOBs say my polls are down.

VLAD: No Fake News in Russia. It’s not allowed.

DON: Fake News here are asking about your boys paying the Taliban for any US soldiers killed.

VLAD: No way!

DON: I’ve said that it’s a New York Times hoax.

VLAD: Right.

DON: And I’m not going to do anything about it.

VLAD: (Could be heard swearing in Russian and saying, “He should keep his mouth shut.”)

DON: It helps me when you say that the US and Russia relations are now bad. But we can still be friends, can’t we? No one needs to know.

VLAD: And Donnie, it’s good for me when guys like Newt Gingrich get the Presidential Medal of Freedom from you.

DON: What?

VLAD: Gingrich said the Baltic states were nothing more than St Petersburg’s back yard.

DON: It’s the least I can do.

VLAD: The Balts have always been cocky little upstarts.

DON: Hey, no problem.

VLAD: Did you see my parade in Moscow?

DON: Yeah. You got cojones making 14,000 march side by side with no face masks. Now they’re what I call real men.

VLAD: Hey, you’re no different with those huge rallies and no masks.

DON: But the generals still won’t let me do a parade with this Kungflu scam. A few years ago they even balked when I wanted it for July 4th.

VLAD: Listen, you’re the commander in chief. They got to do as told.

DON: In Washington it doesn’t work that way. The old generals protested when I wanted to send in the troops to bust up street protests.

VLAD: In Russia, if any general disagrees with me, he’s through. I mean HE IS THROUGH!

DON: Hey, I’ve got rid of many generals.

VLAD: So have I, but not in the same way.

DON: Read you loud and clear.

DON: That’s what I like about you. You know who’s the boss man and so does everyone else.

VLAD: Uncle Joe was even a better boss man. I try to be like him.

DON: Uncle Joe who?

VLAD: Uncle Joe Stalin, that’s who.

DON: I’ve heard of him. But they tell me statues of him have all been taken down.

VLAD: That was done before my time. Now a few are being put up.

DON: The same is hap­pening here. The socialist lefties are tearing down General Bobbie Lee and his buddies just because they wanted to keep on owning a few slaves.

VLAD: What’s a few slaves? Uncle Joe got rid of a few million and got the same treatment.

VLAD: Tell me how you’re going to handle John Bolton’s new book about you? He says you didn’t know Finland wasn’t part of Russia. (Don could hear Vlad’s muffled snicker on the other end of the line.)

DON: It’s all lies. But look at what I’ve done for you. I made Manafort campaign manager when he was lobbying Washington to block Ukraine from the E.U. and NATO. I supported you being elected in 2018, even though some said the vote was rigged. I’ve said people in Crimea would rather be ruled from Moscow than Kiev. I held up $400 million in weapons to Ukraine last year. I’m pulling troops out of Syria to clear the ground for you. After you shot at Ukrainian warships in 2018, I didn’t say a word. I support your political friends in Europe such as Orban in Hungary and La Pen in France.

VLAD: Thanks for backing me in Helsinki a couple of years ago when they pointed fingers at me for messing in your 2016 presidential elections. At the press briefing you said I don’t lie. You’re solid Donnie.

DON: I got a lot of bad press then.

VLAD: You know we won’t interfere. (VLAD snickers again.) And I’ve told you, it was the Ukrainians who hacked the Democrat’s computer. (Another snicker.)

DON: I still tell people I believe you. Listen Vladdy, I’m pulling about 10,000 soldiers out of NATO. And I didn’t give them any heads up. I’ve said that NATO is obsolete. They don’t like it. They keep on reminding me about your little Crimea business and that you’re pestering the Ukrainians across the border. But I keep on demanding that they let you back into the G8.

VLAD: I’m grateful. But can’t you do something about the sanctions?

DON: The SOBs in Congress won’t go along.

VLAD: Remember that I can still tell my Russian banker friends to be willing to finance your new golf courses and resorts.

DON: Well I guess our time is up. Good to chat without any SOB whistleblowers listening in. By the way, your photo on horseback with bear chest is excellent PR. If I do that I’ll be called vain. But with you its real macho.

VLAD: Hey, I may have the pectorals but you got the hair. We both work at it.

DON: Like I say, it’s been a perfect phone call.

VLAD: Yeah, makes me all tingly inside.

LAAS LEIVAT