Issue 18

FEATURES Zooming into Fashion Trends | PAGE 5 CAMPUS LIFE ASMR Music Review | PAGE 10

The Etownian

www.etownian.com

FAKE NEWS! for April Fo o l ' s We e k To students, staff and all other members of our Etown community, Welcome to the Etownian's 2020 edition of our April Fool's issue. While the articles you are about to read are fake news (and fake Features, and fake Campus Life and fake Sports), we want to emphasize that this statement is real.

In such a difficult and tumultuous time, we know the dangers of appearing callous or disrespectful with a humorous endeavor such as this. However, we hope that this issue can bring some smiles, laughter and joy at a time when those things are in short supply. While we in no way minimize the severity and danger of COVID-19, we hope to help our community see that moments of happiness and humor are still possible in the face of global crisis.

Please enjoy reading this special Etownian issue. Remember to wash your hands, stay at home when possible and have an improbably humorous April Fool's Day.

Katie Weiler, Editor-in-Chief & Grace Gibson, Managing Editor

Vol. 116. Issue 18

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Giant squirrels invade Etown campus :O

by Jessica Freels Cryptid Investigator

W

ith Elizabethtown College operating remotely, the campus has seen appearances of an exotic creature. According to sophomore Rachel Little, a new hybrid of black squirrels can be found roaming campus. She spotted a couple before she left Friday, March 13. Little describes the “massive” creatures as looking similar to black cats, but with “fluffier tails.” She also noted that there is one albino creature, which appears to be the alpha of the pack.

“There seems to be a difference of opinion on exactly what we are dealing with,” Assistant Director of Campus Security Dale Boyer said in an email interview. It is still unknown where the “squirrels” came from. Boyer raised the question of the possibility that these squirrels could be “genetic aberrations brought on by radiation from Three Mile Island.” However, their origin is still unknown.

It is also unknown if these creatures

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor

It is unclear where the giant squirrels spotted on campus came from, but people should keep their distance from them until more is known. are dangerous and how many are on campus. According to Boyer, there have not been any reports of aggressive behavior. Although, he still advises against attempting to feed or pet them.

“Don’t pet them. I’ve tried. They’re not very friendly,” Little said in a phone interview, echoing Boyer’s statements.

SEE SQUIRRELS PAGE 2

New swimming pool to be installed in Schlosser :D

by Carly Miller Pool Architect

F

orget Thompson Gym: Elizabethtown College will be installing a lazy river style pool on the first floor of Schlosser Residence Hall!

Due to the requests of many students, the Office of Residence Life decided to do away with traditional hallways and introduce the new Lazy River loop. Students living in Schlosser got a sneak peek of the project Tuesday, March 10 as water filled the hallways, previewing the new addition.

Etown made the decision soon after Thursday, March 12 to close the campus and send all students home, leaving the grand opening of the pool a surprise. With students gone,

installation is moving smoothly.

While many students were shocked at the college’s decision to close campus for the new addition, first-year Schlosser resident Kate McAuliffe said she agreed with the College’s choice.

“I think it was necessary to close Schlosser in order to get the time and space to take on such a project. I’m not entirely certain closing the entire campus was necessary, but I guess Blue Jays flock together,” McAuliffe said.

Another resident, first-year Lindsay Boritz, expressed similar opinions, even suggesting that the school next consider adding attractions like bowling alleys and mini golf courses.

“We should definitely add the lazy river to the orientation schedule. With all the activities and running around during orientation, what a great way to take a break,” Boritz said. Boritz

commented on how this pool will benefit the swim team and how she cannot wait to see their excitement at the reveal.

While Boritz was optimistic about the swim team’s reaction to the pool, the swimmers were not so thrilled.

Senior swim team member Sarah Helt spoke on behalf of the team.

“Not gonna lie, I’m kinda annoyed about the situation in Schlosser. The swimmers have been requesting a wave pool in Thompson Gym but still haven’t gotten it, yet here they are putting a pool in Schlosser?” Helt said.

She described how the pool seems unnecessary as it is an inconvenient location that many swim team members will not get to enjoy.

The College will be requesting students to apply for lifeguard positions to avoid any bad publicity for the new pool. Positions will be offered firstly to members of the swim team.

When asked if this changed her position on the pool, Helt quickly changed her mind.

“Heck yeah I’d love to lifeguard!

Nobody ever goes to the other pool so it would be nice to lifeguard a pool people are actually interested in,” Helt said. This answer was provided after she was informed that lifeguards would make $1,000 per hour.

Etown’s mission statement as according to the College website is to “provide a transformative educational experience that cultivates personal strengths and develops a passion for lifelong learning and purposeful work.”

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor

By switching to doing classes online, Elizabethtown College opened up more time during the academic year to do renovations in the dorms.

SEE SWIMMING PAGE 3

News

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April 1, 2020

Today's Technology 0--0 This weekly column will feature the latest topics and trends constantly emerging in a rapidlygrowing technical world.

Each week we will focus on a specific technological subject, with topics covering a wide range of high-tech issues and the latest professional gadgets.

If there are any topics or products that you would like to see covered in this column, please email editor@ etown.edu.

T

he Totally Real Bio-robotic Life Corporation, more commonly referred to as TRBL Corp, has announced their latest project, the New Online Personality Extension.

The New Online Personality Extension, which is usually shortened to “Nope.” is a way to preserve human brain activity beyond what is supported by their bodies. The program offers

personalized robotic bodies for people to put their brains in.

This is possible thanks to the Experimental Virtual Integration Laboratory, a company that has been working for years to replace their researchers with robots that don’t need sleep.

Consumers praise the customizability of the Nope, which allows users to choose from 16 million colors and up to eight limbs, which can be chosen to be all arms, legs or a few of each, among other options, all while having a permanent internet connection, without the need for a phone or computer. Many users have opted for an increased number of limbs over their human bodies, and enjoy their improved multitasking abilities, though some say that while completing one task with three of their arms, they frequently forget what the other two were doing.

TRBL Corp has even more

by Niklas Byriel Robotics Enthusiast recently announced that they will be adding several features, the most anticipated one being a speechchecker. This works similarly to spell-checkers on computers and phones, and fixes a Nope Robot’s speech as it is spoken. “It works very ducking well,” a spokes-robot for the company said. Online forum users who claim to be linguistics researchers expect this to bring the greatest improvement

SQUIRRELS PAGE 1

Squirrels threat level undetermined Boyer also mentioned that they seem to enjoy eating peanut butter.

Campus Security received a report of a student who had peanut butter on his shoe after leaving the Baugher Student Center (BSC) and encountered two creatures. The squirrels displayed “an unhealthy interest,” causing the student to take off his shoe and throw it away from them. The student was unharmed, although he did not get his shoe back.

The squirrels also appear to react negatively to classical music. According to Boyer, a faculty member from the music department has been conducting research to see if the squirrels react to various types of music.

“So far it seems that they have an affinity for Mongolian Metal by the Hu, ambivalent to bagpipes and a definite aversion to oboe music,” Boyer said.

Campus Security and Facilities Management have been working

together to find a solution to reduce their population. While they haven’t been dangerous yet, there is a possibility that their threat level would increase when the number of people on campus increases.

According to Boyer, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has restricted hunting them. Currently, their ideas include using their knowledge of the squirrels’ enjoyment of peanut butter and reactions to types of music. One idea is to create a peanut scent that can be sprayed on opposing athletic teams busses, in the hopes that the squirrels would follow the busses off-campus.

Boyer is working to find out if any other colleges are dealing with a similar situation.

“They’re not an inconvenience to me. It’s just very strange and mildly upsetting that there are squirrels bigger than opossums,” Little said.

in the world’s overall ability to speak their native languages since the advent of public schools.

Internet privacy experts, however, see it from a different side. Early testers of the product, a group to which the author belongs, marveled that the advertisements they saw were more aligned with what they desired than ever before, claiming that they often saw advertisements one day for products that they didn’t know they needed until the next. These privacy experts claim that this level of advertising may be indicative of TRBL Corp saving their users’ thought history.

TRBL Corp disputes these claims, citing that tigers know they must eat before they even get hungry, and so their advertisements know what users need before they do themselves, to which the privacy experts responded with a confused sigh.

The robots also have some

important vulnerabilities. They require a constant Internet connection in order to be able to move. San Francisco came to a standstill – literally – when Sir Antonio Fortescu d’Monte, Protector of the Vale, Seventh of his Name, a little girl’s pet squirrel, chewed through the city’s main Wi-Fi cable, disabling Internet access for the whole city. This took two days to fix, as the internet providers had to send one of the few technicians who had not yet uploaded their brains into a Nope robot. Furthermore, users have expressed concerns that it may be surprisingly easy to hack into the Nope’s robotic systems.

TRBL Corp’s CEO, who has not yet picked out a Nope system for themself, assured users that it is impossible for one Nope to hack another. This means that once the entire world has uploaded themselves into a Nope, everyone will be perfectly safe.

April 1, 2020

Hacking attacks on

by Emma Knight Secret Hacker

T

hursday, March 12, Elizabethtown College announced that in light of the increasing concern about COVID-19, they would be cancelling all face-to-face classes. Now, classes are held online using a variety of delivery methods, including livestream platform Zoom and additional access to resources on Canvas. However, some students have taken to hacking these sites and resorting to similar means in order to get out of doing their online classwork.

Many students are upset, having a difficult time transitioning to online classes or both due to these recent developments in Etown’s curriculum, which has driven some to go to extremes to avoid their classwork. The hacks, which started soon after Etown’s initial announcement from March 12, have become more and more frequent since the College’s email Friday, March 20, stating that it would move entirely online for the remaining duration of the semester. They seem to occur most frequently to classes held early in the morning (i.e., 8 and 9:30 a.m. classes).

Mostly, the hacking has included

News Z o o m , C a nv a s

attempts to shut down Zoom’s servers before class time, sending false messages to professors reporting issues with streaming on their ends and showing error alerts over students’ profiles saying they are unable to connect to the livestream. These disrupt the class without causing any longterm effects while still allowing students to not attend online lectures. However, because this has little to do with their actual assignments, other students have opted to instead make Canvas the target of their attacks.

While hacking attempts on Canvas are less frequent and less popular than those on Zoom, they still have occurred since both of the previously mentioned emails from the College. While some of these endeavors have been minor, such as merely extending a deadline for an assignment by a matter of hours or days, others have been more extreme. There have been reports of hackers trying to remove entire classes from Canvas’s database, and there was even an effort made to remove the entire college from the website. Many of the more extreme attempts either did not succeed or were quickly resolved, but some of the more minor hacks worked and enabled students to continue giving themselves extra time to submit classwork.

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Students have resorted to other means to escape their commitment to school as well. It has been rumored that if an app gets below a certain rating on app stores, it will be removed completely. For example, students in China banded together to try this route to remove the app they were using for schoolwork, which was called DingTalk. According to Business Insider, the app had 50 million student users and 600,000 teachers the first day back to school after the Lunar New Year.

When they discovered they could remove the app from app stores altogether, they bombarded the reviews with one-star ratings, and the app went from a 4.9 to a 1.4 overnight. DingTalk is still on app stores as of Saturday, March 28, and it has a 1.3-star rating.

Following this example, Etown students have tried the same method to remove Canvas and Zoom from app stores, even though these are also available online as websites. As of March 28, Canvas has a 4.7-star rating and Zoom has a 4.6star rating. With only a little over a month left in the semester, it is difficult to say whether or not these hacks will continue steadily, increase or decrease, but it is safe to say that students are resourceful when it comes to avoiding schoolwork.

SWIMMING PAGE 1

Swimming pool in Schlosser raises safety concerns Professors have been instructed to use this time off to learn how to use Zoom so that lessons can occur from the pool starting next semester. The pool itself sticks to the idea of “personal strengths,” at least for those that can swim.

First-year Schlosser resident Andrew Furman expressed his concern on the matter.

“As someone who is aquatically changed, installing a Schlosser pool is not ideal. No body of water is safe without a lifeguard, and unless the school is willing to provide one, I would be worried about shark attacks,” Furman said.

When informed that the school would be hiring lifeguards, Furman replied, “I’m glad the school is taking the initiative and hiring lifeguards. Next I think they need to look at hiring more for residence hall bathtubs. Just as dangerous. Just as many sharks.”

The College has not made any statement on bathtub lifeguards or shark attacks.

Organs, bones and lungs: the new human anatomy ^-^

by Samantha Seely Anatomy Expert

T

he body is a complex system — but less complex than we previously thought! Recent developments in the greater scientific community have led to a recategorization of the human body. While the body was previously divided into a number of interconnected systems, including the nervous system, the circulatory system, digestive system and others, the new system of the body only has three categories: organs, bones and lungs.

“This is such a much simpler way of thinking about things and that’s alright, and it’s a much more accessible way of applying this,” assistant professor of biology Dr. Anya Goldina said. “Scientists that lived hundreds of years ago, what can they know considering all the new technologies that we have now?”

When you put your ear against someone’s back, you hear three types of sound: sounds from organs, sounds from lungs and sounds from bones. Organs perform the functions of the body, lungs bring resources to the

body and bones provide structure. The new system is far more intuitive than the previous organization of the body, but that doesn’t mean students in the Human Anatomy and Physiology course won’t have to study — the categories do have some surprises in them! For example, although one may be tempted to think of blood as an organ or lung, blood is actually a bone, according to Goldina!

Goldina is working hard on updating the Human Anatomy and Physiology course she teaches to reflect these changes.

“Everything is going to change, because we have to change how we label and categorize things,” Goldina said. “One of the big things when we teach anatomy is to really teach about how all of these different components connect to each other. Now we have to think about how lungs and bones are really unique entities compared to all of the other organs. We try to give special light to all the organs, but now we’re going to focus on lungs and bones, because they’re super special.”

The unique importance of the bones and the lungs are part of the reason why the body was recategorized.

The previous anatomy classification did not reflect

which parts of the body were the most important.

“Lungs are so important and they should be elevated to their own status,” Goldina said. “Clearly, without lungs there is not much we can do, and without bones, we’d just be jellyfish.”

And organs? Organs are not nearly all they’re chalked up to be, and people could do without a number of them.

“I mean, who needs a brain?” Goldina said. “It’s this mushy, fatty thing that makes us do all these wrong things, so I would say it’s clearly not as essential as bones and lungs, so I will chuck it into organs and all the other stuff that’s sometimes necessary.”

Students have responded positively to the changes in the course so far, despite some concern that those who took the class earlier no longer have the most up-to-date information about the body, according to Goldina.

“I think students are really open-minded, and they’re willing to accept the scientific community and the new developments in the community,” Goldina said. “So I think they haven’t really pushed back just yet, because they really see how all these centuries of anatomists have been wrong.”

News

page 4 CANADA – As of 2020, the majority of the world has voted to revoke the United States of America’s status as a country after backlash against its president. The vote ensued after Canada noted the bad behavior of President Donald Trump and other government officials, especially following Trump’s impeachment hearings.

As punishment, Canada will cut the United States of America off from North

KINGDOM OF WAKANDA – In 2019, the United States of America discovered the Kingdom of Wakanda under the Trump administration. The Kingdom of Wakanda is home to T’Challa, also known as the Black Panther.

While President Donald Trump has opposed free trade agreements in the past, Trump worked with diplomats to secure a free trade agreement with

America until its leaders have learned the good behavior of Canadians.

Canadian officials are currently working on creating a plan for the former country’s leaders so they learn politeness. Following the country’s good behavior, Canada’s government officials and other world leaders have promised to reinstate the United States of America as a country.

the Kingdom of Wakanda.

Officials in the United States of America and the Kingdom of Wakanda have been working on the trade agreement since early 2019. The agreement was finally secured as early as June of 2019. Unlike other countries, Trump does not plan to impose tariffs on the Kingdom of Wakanda.

April 1, 2020

by Ashlee Reick Global Explorer ARENDELLE – As global warming threatens Mother Earth, it has prompted the discovery of a new country known as Arendelle. Following the coronation of Queen Elsa,

AOSHIMA – Japan has removed itself from the map after cats on Aoshima overtook Japan. After Aoshima’s residents introduced cats to kill rodents on fishing boats, cats then began to protest for their unpaid work. As a result, the cat population has increased exponentially. Since then, cats have managed to overtake Aoshima’s residents by outnumbering them.

she then disappeared and the country froze over; however, since then, the winter season’s weather conditions have come to an abrupt halt.

Recently, climate scientists have suggested that Arendelle is one of the first countries being impacted by climate change.

To secure pay, as well as benefits, Aoshima’s cats had bigger fish to fry: Japan. As of now, Aoshima’s cats have overtaken Japan to secure payment and benefits, such as free food from select Japanese restaurants. Aoshima cats have also expressed a rivalry with Okunoshima, another island primarily inhabited by rabbits, in its attempts to overthrow Japan.

Global Perspective :O

by Elizabeth Gipe Rugged Survivalist

G

iven the world’s current circumstances, most people would agree it’s best to stay within a reasonable six-foot distance apart from each other. This act is called “social distancing,” and many health officials advocate for this sort of conduct as to avoid spreading any diseases. Elizabethtown College is also looking to promote social distancing for its faculty, staff and students, leading to a most interesting development.

Given the initial reluctance of students to self-isolate, the College has come up with a new tactic to get students to practice social distancing.

Following the campus’s closing in early March, Etown announced signups for an exclusive deserted island getaway package. Students with the necessary 3.9999 or higher GPA to apply for this package were able to reallocate their room and board expenses to get a one-way ticket to a deserted paradise, with only one human allowed per island. But not to worry! Your child is not truly alone — the College promised animal companions for each student for their

emotional well-being. This is a clever loophole, since these animals cannot contract or spread any viruses.

Only two students took advantage of this offer. Senior Rachel Rhoads was the first to sign up, and as for the other student… well, that would be me. The Etownian staff gently, yet firmly, pushed me to sign up so that I could provide a “first-hand account of the College’s latest academic alternative.”

However, Rhoads signed up completely of her own volition, and was rather excited to when she first heard of the program.

“I am a student teacher this semester, and who wouldn’t want to be able to social distance in paradise while doing the job that I love all at the same time?” Rhoads said in an email interview from her island.

The College has employed a raccoon supervisor to manage the students and their academics, and also to encourage students to use this opportunity to create an island paradise by their own hands. Of course, this also means that students have to fend for themselves on this island, which when some of us aren’t very experienced in survival skills, can be a little rough.

“The wildlife has definitely

been interesting,” Rhoads said.

“The amount of tarantulas on this island was not properly advertised.

However, the Raccoon and his nephews pay good money for them if you learn to catch them.”

Learning to catch the tarantulas has been a rather tumultuous endeavor. The tarantulas on this island will cause you to pass out from just one bite. I speak from unfortunate, repeated experience. Wasp nests have also been cheeky little surprises, and while they might not knock you out from one sting, the wasps cause your face to blow up like a balloon.

Even with the tarantulas and the wasps being hidden within the small print of our island contract, Etown has been doing its best to provide a robust academic environment for those of us on these islands. There is still Wi-Fi, and we were provided housing in the form of a tent. That may seem cruel at first, but we can take out loans from the Raccoon to build, and eventually expand, a house.

In fact, this island package has been a way for us to expand our horizons.

“When I’m not teaching in the classroom I set up in my new house, I like to fish, catch bugs and shake trees for money and furniture,” Rhoads

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor

said.

These islands are certainly rich in resources and animals who are more than willing to sell their wares to us humans. There is a fascinating economy on these islands, including a stock market of turnips and a redeemable mileage system. It’s quite easy to get rich and cash in on this island — as long as you don’t live in the Raccoon’s debt forever.

It’s a bit of a shame only two people signed up from this experience, especially since it is a very fruitful way of practicing social distancing.

“I would definitely suggest this island getaway to other students, as long as they are willing to work,” Rhoads said. “You don’t want to spend your entire time in the tent that you spend your first night in.”

Etown will accept late applications to the deserted island getaway package until April 31. For anyone who wishes to get a better understanding of life on a deserted island, please check out my livestream of my experiences here: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ.

Features

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A

Ware

by Delaney Dammeyer Guest Writer featureseditor@etown.edu

W

ednesday, March 18, the Ware Lecture on Peacemaking with Founder of Peace One Day Jeremy Gilley, definitely, totally happened.

For those that missed it, it was an evening like no other.

Contemplative reflections in a quiet auditorium followed a rousing re-watching of several of the honored guest's YouTube videos.

At times it was so silent, only the honking of the Lake Placida geese reminded an audience of one that the outside world still existed.

Lecture Gilley began his activism in 1995, making films about war, hunger and peace.

He believes that the film medium, with its presentation of powerful imagery and accessibility, could share the message of peace. In a 2011 TEDTalk, Gilley told his story of creating the PeaceOne Day, a day of international cease-fire and cooperation.

He began by writing letters to state heads and peace activists, saying that he “didn’t have a lot of money to start the thing, as [he] was still living at his parents house.”

Such a sentiment is heartfelt and relatable to literally every person on the planet as of mid-March of 2020.

Elizabethtown College students could

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor While it may not have been the traditional Ware Lecture experience, Dammeyer was able to find ways to appreciate peace with the squirrels of Etown.

of

April 1, 2020

One

take a lesson from this story: “start writing letters to everyone in the world, and maybe you could have a national day by the time we are released from the plastic bubbles.”

It seemed such a shame to this reporter that current global apocalypse scenarios should cancel this lecture.

After all, the message of Gilley’s work is overcoming global conflict and creating the best outcomes from the worst materials.

I found it paramount that I overcome the barriers of social isolation and closures to report on this monumental event.

Without a doubt, the hardest obstacle to overcome was the giant fence surrounding the campus and the crocodile moat.

Regardless, the Elizabethtown Borough construction companies must be commended for their speed and historical accuracy in this project.

Despite closure of the school and other services, a throng of grateful guests were present Wednesday, March 18.

Refreshments were served in the foyer, and once the peanuts were strewn about the carpet the squirrels came right in (Note: Call Environmental Services to report squirrel infestation in Leffler.

Delete note before submitting article).

Coffee was served from a Yellow Submarine thermos with a dent in it.

(Second Note: squirrels do not react well to coffee).

The Ware Lecture took place at 7:30 p.m.

It was later than scheduled, but technical difficulties included hacking the campus Wi-Fi router and playing the organ for thirty minutes despite never having taken piano lessons.

Nevertheless, Gilley persevered, keeping on task from the projector screen where his 2011 TEDTalk played.

The presenter showed composure, compassion and impeccable hair care nine years ago.

There was no destroying his drive, nor his beautiful professional surfer-

*o*

style hair flow.

At the end, the presenter opened the floor for questions, an event you all would have been included in had you answered my Zoom call.

“What has been the most rewarding part of creating Peace One Day?” one squirrel asked.

Gilley nervously sipped a glass of water, having answered the question at the 17:03 minute mark in the YouTube video.

Afterward, I sat in the empty auditorium and reflected on the lessons learned from this lecture.

One, that Firefox is a terrible platform for streaming YouTube videos.

Second, that squirrels have a poor concept of time and attention.

More importantly, I realized that any major change is made when everyone in the world commits to it and supports each other in the fruition of that idea.

No one is every truly alone; the hope for a better future makes everyone buckle down and do the right thing, across time, space and species.

The Q&A was followed by a community peace project: the wildlife and I vacuumed the carpet and plastered some of the holes in the wall.

It was restorative to come together as a community and work on something together, yet apart.

Gilley signed off to thunderous applause from a Los Angeles studio audience, leaving too early to accept our gift of twigs and fur for nest-making.

Regardless, the 2020 Ware Lecture was a rousing success, due in-part to the fact that nobody went.

This is a reminder from the Etownian to stay at home, practice good social distancing and hygenie and never let a squirrel drink from your coffee cup.

Leave the reporting of on campus events to our team; we will get you the story you do not deserve, but are most certainly going to get, (Third Note: Check CDC if squirrels transmit virus. Check also: rabies symptoms).

"Zooming" into new fashion trends :D

by Alyssa Marzili Features Asst. Editor featureseditor@etown.edu

E

lizabethtown College is one of many colleges to close for the entire rest of the semester with classes being taught online, primarily through Zoom.

Students and professors at the College like to keep the sense of community and light-hearted air going.

The new trend is that professors and students are showing up to Zoom sessions dressed as their favorite fictional characters.

“It was something someone thought of that would be funny and people grasped onto the idea, thinking it would be fun to do,” first-year Victoria Comfort said via phone call.

Comfort goes to every Zoom meeting dressed as Anna from Frozen because she feels Anna matches her personality and that they practically are already one in the same.

In class, she remains in character, which she claims isn’t too difficult because of their similarities.

Through casual conversation, Comfort will filter in the names of Sven, Kristoff and Olaf.

She would be open to changing it up from day to day, but going as her favorite Disney character is the best. “[Dressing up] makes light of the situation, and is

just something silly I enjoy doing,” Comfort said. “[The trend] is great, so much fun, it’s really something silly. You get to see everyone’s personality, based off who they decided to dress up as. It’s just a good time,” Comfort said.

She also dresses up because she says it is less embarrassing than going into a classroom all dressed up and can hide behind the comfort of a screen.

Lecturer in Education Wendy Bellew also takes part in this new trend.

“I pick a different one of my favorite book characters every day. I’ve dressed as Elephant and Piggie, Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web, Nancy Drew and the Hungry Caterpillar,” Bellew said via Zoom meeting.

Bellew takes the trend a step farther though. “I use different voices for different characters for my costume I’m in. I get my whole family involved, my dog is dressed up, and my daughter is dressed up,” Bellew said.

She changes character every day to hold her students’ attention and make things interesting.

She said she really enjoys finding supplies she has available around the house and being creative in making the costumes. “[The trend is] very exciting, it gives everyone a chance to be creative and resourceful. Maybe they’re reading new books because of it too,” Bellew said.

Bellew dresses up more than for simple fun. “I was looking for a way to engage students on Zoom, and it’s

a trend that’s really catching on,” she said.

Senior Dylan Warner also joined in on the trend.

As an actor and theater lover, this new trend was the perfect excuse for him to dress up and have fun.

He dresses as C-3PO from Star Wars.

“I relate on a deep level to C-3PO. He is always dragged along on the adventures and is always trying to tell them not to make stupid decisions, but they do it anyway and I feel like that is me,” Warner said via phone call.

During meetings on Zoom, Warner talks in C-3PO’s voice and often slips in the famous line: “This is far too risky, we should go back home.”

Typically he only dresses as C-3PO, but sometimes switches it up to R2-D2.

“Then I just beep at people all day instead of talking,” Warner said.

Dressing up to him is more than just having fun, it’s about becoming another character or person for a day.

“I think it’s wonderful, everyone needs to step out of their comfort zone to be another person and explore different character traits, and it is positive all around,” Warner said.

His love for theater and trying to understand another character comes into play in his love for this new trend.

“I encourage more people to get involved with [the trend] and try on a different costume for a day,” he said.

April 1, 2020

Features

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Truman and Conrad's Self Isolation Q+A *o* With Andy Williams speaking on behalf of Truman and Grace Childs speaking on behalf of Conrad How have Truman and Conrad been adjusting to selfisolation?

W: I think [Truman] really misses the connection with the students. He gravitates towards people, and does that in our house as well — if one of us is stressed because of work, he will push against us to try to snap us out of it… he [also] absolutely refuses to have his picture taken at home. On campus he is always smiling and loves to have his picture taken, but for whatever reason he does not want to do [pictures] at home. He’s on strike if he’s not on campus.

C: Conrad is definitely missing his best friend Truman right now, but he's currently passing the time by taking lots of walks and watching nature documentaries on Disney+ What are their favorite quarantine snacks?

W: Truman loves anything dipped in peanut butter. You dip a dog treat in peanut butter, a spoon in peanut butter, a banana in peanut butter. If you get the peanut butter jar out, he knows. We have two peanut butter jars in the house, one labeled human and one with a paw print on it for Truman.

C: Carrot cake, of course!

How have Truman and Conrad been spending their time in self-isolation? How do they decompress?

W: We have a big fenced-in backyard and he has a younger sister he tolerates, an English sheepdog named Emmy — and they like to go into the backyard and play.

His decompression is to play with her, to chase her around. He can never catch her, though, as Truman is six and Emmy is almost two. You can also find him on a dog-bed, squeaking a toy. That’s also his decompression.

C: Usually Conrad loves to play spike ball, but due to social distancing, he's now learning how to become a professional 8 ball pool player on iMessage. [Also], Conrad is currently trying to learn how to paint!

While he will never be as good as the late Bob Ross, he still tries every day to make happy little clouds and happy little trees.

What advice do Truman and Conrad have to their fellow Blue Jays in self-isolation?

W: If you have a pet, spend time with them. Try to not focus on what’s going on. Take care of yourself first and then you can help other people.

C: Remember that Blue Jays flock together, always. Check in on each other, and make sure to take care of yourself !

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor

Social isolation is tough for everyone, including Conrad and Truman. However, just like the rest of us, they have found ways to connect with others and stay positive.

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Campus Life

April 1, 2020

Horoscopes: What do the stars tell you about nothing at all? :O

Emma’s Famous Meme Music Review OwO You’ve been waiting all year for this, get ready for the memes

by Emma Knight Staff Writer campuslifeeditor@etown.edu

musician blackbear collaborated with TMG to release this hit about men being short and still loving themselves. Shout out to all my short kings!

1

7

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8

. Magic – Young Gravy This masterpiece has circulated around Tik Tok a few times in the past year, each time with different parts being featured.

Yung Gravy is one of the most popular “meme rap” artists, and honestly, all of his songs slap. . Walk Man – Tiny Meat Gang This song has also made its way to Tik Tok fame and is a single from popular “meme rap” group Tiny Meat Gang (TMG). The group’s members are YouTube comedians Cody Ko and Noel Miller, and TMG never fails to disappoint.

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. mememe – bbno$ bbno$ is another popular “meme rap” artist who has extensively worked with similar artists, especially Yung Gravy.

His rap moniker is pronounced “baby no money.”

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. Lalala – Y2K Yet another popular Tik Tok song, “Lalala” rose to fame in the Summer of 2019 (the golden era of Tik Tok, in my opinion). Featured on the track is previously mentioned artist bbno$.

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. Yummy – Danny Gonzalez This track was created by popular YouTube comedian Danny Gonzalez as a parody to Justin Beiber’s song of the same name. Personally, I think Danny’s is way better, but I’m also not a fan of Bieber, so make what you will of this review.

6

. Short Kings Anthem – blackbear For this track, popular hip hop

. Say So – Doja Cat Another popular Tik Tok song from hip hop artist Doja Cat, whose songs have been popular on the app previously, has made its way onto this playlist. I really like Doja Cat, and she’s been putting out some quality work recently. . Fireflies – Owl City Though this song was popular when it was first released in 2009, it has become the butt of many jokes in recent years, especially on none other than Tik Tok. Mostly, people remixed the song so that the lyrics only consisted of, “you would not believe your eyes” over and over again.

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. MEGALOVANIA – Toby Fox This song has become a meme thanks to all the gamers using it in reference to fighting “the final boss” in any given video game. For example, my brother played it when he was defeating Bowser in Super Mario Odyssey because of the song’s association with gaming. Some memes are harder to explain than others.

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. Hit or Miss – Jacob Sartorious I couldn’t NOT put Jacob Sartorious on a meme playlist because he’s just so cringey.

I think his first hit “Sweatshirt” made it on last year’s playlist, so I opted to introduce my lovely listeners with another of his hits. If you want the full cringe factor, try watching the music video – you may or may not regret it. Don’t hold me responsible for any cringing that happens as a result.

Campus Life

April 1 2020

page 9

ETOWN’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS/BACHELORETTES ;)

The Etownian Awards 2019 American Scholastic Press Association First Place Award 2016 ASPA - First Place 2013 Apple Awards Best Newspaper <5,000 Student Division 2012 ASPA - Most Outstanding College Newspaper in the U.S. 2011 Keystone Press Award Second Place for online content 2009 SCJ Excellence in Collegiate Journalism

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief | Katie Weiler Managing Editor | Grace Gibson News Editor | Samantha Seely Features Editor | Zoe Williams Campus Life Editor | Aprille Mohn Sports Editor | Amity Radcliff Copy Chief | Elizabeth Gipe Photography Editor | Megan White Online Editor | Ashlee Reick Asst. News Editor | Carly Miller Asst. Features Editor | Alyssa Marzili Asst. Campus Life Editor | Elizabeth Cunningham Asst. Sports Editor | Ezekial Ciafre Business Manager | Emily McGarry Advertising Manager | Alexandra Kunkel Photographers | Maddie Kauffman, Jill Distler, Paula Groff, Jocelyn Kline Copy Editors | Lauren Robitaille, Jessica Freels, Stephanie Biese, Ashley Conway, Emma Danae Droz, Nicole Stevens Faculty Advisors | Erica Dolson, Matthew Skillen

Editorial Policy The Etownian is the student newspaper of Elizabethtown College. All editorial decisions are made by the student editors.

With the exception of editorials, opinions presented here are those of quoted sources or signed authors, not of the Etownian or the College. For questions, comments or concerns about a particular section, please contact editor@etown.edu.

If you have a story idea or suggestion, or if you would like to submit a letter to the editor, please email editor@etown.edu.

Want to be featured in next yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dating profiles?

Send your Bachelor/ Bachelorette videos in or set up a zoom session today!

page 10

Campus Life

Music review: ASMR experience ^-^ ASMR: a whole different kind of music

by Grace Gibson and Elizabeth Gipe Music Critics campuslifeeditor@etown.edu

W

hile it is often relegated to corners of the internet, ASMR is an upand-coming genre to watch. For some great, new, cutting-edge listening, check out these stand-out tracks.

“The ASMR Roleplay Where You Don’t Know What Roleplay It Is [No. 4] (2000 Sub Special)” by Marno ASMR Grace says...Marno strikes a great balance between humor and relaxation.

His excellent production skills bring you great prop use, sharp sounds and innovative monologues. He peppers each release with plenty of intrigue and story, but his work is in no way inaccessible — in fact, his multilayered and varied style means that there is almost certainly something for everyone in this song. Enjoy the relaxing sounds of his whispering alongside crisp tapping, scratching and crinkling, and allow Marno ASMR to take you to a relaxed and peaceful dream state. I personally enjoy being interrogated about my state of sogginess and considering what sound I might embody — a truly unique ASMR experience.

Liz says...Listen to this only if you want a thought-provoking experience in all the wrong ways. I violently recoiled when asked “How soggy would you say you feel?” to the point where I almost hit my head on the back of my couch. I’m also really glad the song cut away before that Ice Cube pun finished because if I had to hear one more cube pun I would have committed a felony.

This song presents the listener with a choice: to pick a grapefruit or a vape.

If a friend told me I had to choose between a grapefruit or a vape, I would no longer have any friends. I want those 11 minutes of my life back. I have never felt so unsettled. The only playlist this belongs on is “Songs to make you feel viscerally uncool.”

“ASMR~ Crucifying You {oh well}”

by Angelica Liz says...This one wasn’t that bad, but listening to this jam made me a bit cross.

I can kind of appreciate the rhythmic pattern of the five hammer strikes to each nail; it’s good repetition and solid flow. Though, just listening to the lyric of God being a theatre kid has the power to send me to Hell regardless of the rest

of my life up until now. This song also provides a free therapy session to help you cope with your family, but I feel as if any spiritual progress I made was immediately reversed after my laughing fit to the lyric “Now you’ve gone and screwed yourself over.” Nailed it. 8/10.

Grace says...With her stunning and immersive production, Angelica took me right into the mind of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. No one else can walk the line between morbid and humorous quite like her, and I truly felt that I understood what a crucifixion might have entailed after hearing her subtly educational script. Her voice work was likewise stunning, evoking the alternatively bored, everyday banality and great gravitas of the character she inhabited. I would highly recommend this listening experience to anyone who wants to understand and empathize with being crucified — a demonstration of how truly relevant a genre ASMR can be.

“Your parents react to your birth ASMR 360 VR” by PierreG ASMR Grace says...This song is particularly innovative and special because of its incredible use of technology. Through new advances in tech, listeners may experience the sounds of brushing and whispering from any angle of their choosing, leading them to an entirely new way of consuming music.

As a bonus, this track comes with a fascinating, intriguing story even in the short time it lasts. If not enamored with the sounds themselves, listeners are sure to be drawn in by story lines of secrets, family drama and spousal betrayal.

PierreG has done it again: a fresh, new way of exploring sound and silence.

Liz says…I have no words besides this evoked maximum discomfort from me. The quality of the sound of the paintbrushes against the baby’s skin was so realistic it made my skin crawl. I can appreciate the duality in the singer’s voice, being able to portray a father and a mother and seamlessly transition from each at a second’s notice. My memory of my own birth is a little fuzzy, but I hope it was nothing like this.

Liz concludes: Those videos were horrifying. Thank you for the experience.

Grace concludes: An absolutely bangup job from young innovators in a new field. Well worth exploring if you need some new sounds in your headphones.

April 1, 2020

We l c o m e t o t h e A c t u a l j u n g l e : 3 Etown climate turns warm, campus converts into a jungle

by Elizabeth Cunningham Asst. Campus Life Editor campuslifeeditor@etown.edu

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tudents are expected to eventually return to pack up their dorms as Elizabethtown College moves to online classes. They left unexpectedly Thursday, March 12 in fear of COVID-19 coming to campus. Originally, it was supposed to end the first weekend of April, but the plan was altered and students will attend Zoom University until further notice.

Without anyone on campus, the wildlife took over. The recent rains and unusual warm winter created the exponential growth. A dense rainforest took over the campus, from the Office of Admissions to the Schreiber Quadrangle. Visibility is limited as the trees and vines take up the majority of view. In addition, Etown has experienced high temperatures with a thick humidity in the past week. Also, a variety of tropical birds and wildlife

have taken over the forest. As of now, no native wildlife have been spotted, but the current trees seem to be adapting well to their new surroundings.

As students return to campus to move out, they and their families will be given a machete and insect repellent.

They are also welcome to park anywhere they can as the parking lots are overrun with roots.

Hopefully, this jungle will go away as we move through April. The absence of students and staff seem to have caused this jungle to grow. Some students, like Korinne Gieger, want to leave the jungle as is.

“I’m kinda excited to see what the campus is like after weeks of being away” she said.

“It gives us an adventure on our way to class and it adds to the beauty of campus,” first-year Aries Baringer said.

Etown hasn’t commented on what they plan to do about the jungle. The outside community has not been affected by the new environment and are enjoying the warm weather.

Dude, My Professor Zoomed in from Space :O They are Communication professors and they are here

by Colin Helb and Matthew Telleen Professors somewhere campuslifeeditor@etown.edu

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o. No, your professor didn’t zoom in from space. They’re using cutting-edge videophone technology straight out of The Jetsons called Zoom. It’s like a better version of FaceTime, assuming the things you hated about FaceTime were the way you could see and hear the other people on the call.

Let’s get a couple things out of the way from the start. Zoom is super reliable. To date it has never crashed or dropped a call, and there have been zero buffering issues. Zoom technical support has reported only the occasional call from fans offering compliments, or just calling to “check in.” Zoom is also super secure. Social media just seems to be abuzz with how safe Zoom is. No one is crashing meetings they are otherwise uninvited to. No one. And, even if they did — but again, they’re not — they’d

probably be super kind, appropriate and courteous.

The functionality and cool features of Zoom have made us more efficiently, effectively and emotionally connected to our students.

“What I’m finding especially fulfilling is embracing aspects of my students’ lives that were once entirely closed off to me. Knowing that Kasey falls asleep every night under four different K-Pop posters and that she has a totally weird no-knocking door policy with her twin brother has really expanded my pedagogical practice,” a high school teacher from West Virginia Janet said.

An anonymous educator celebrated the efficiency of teaching on Zoom.

“I’m so grateful to teach via my free Zoom account, now I can finish a class in half the time because the sessions cap at 40 minutes! Everyone’s happy!” they said.

Dean A. Dean of Notable University adds, “Now our students have no excuse for skipping school because they can join from their own beds!”

Sports

April 1, 2020

page 11

Elizabethtown College athletics officially adds all-female football

In Other News...

With the rise of online learning comes a rise of online sports. The official launch of the Zoom Conference has recently commenced and all the college sports you love have been added to the line-up. For the spring season everything from men’s and women’s lacrosse to men’s and women’s golf is now officially on the new online platform.

Athletes in these games are already signing up with their teams from all different colleges and universities to continue playing their beloved games. Fans across the states have also been hosting watch parties as leagues are set out.

All you need is a link to watch. This won’t be stopping at the spring sports, the option to do an online league will be open for both fall and winter sports as well. There has been a high demand to bring these sports online now. To get a link to watch you can go onto zoomconferenceathletics.org and search the sport and school you want to watch.

ELIZABETHTOWN COLLEGE ATHLETICS ANOUNCE THE OFFICIAL OPENING OF

THE ZOOM CONFERENCE USE ZOOMCONFERENCEATHLETICS.ORG TO RECEIVE A LINK TO WATCH

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor Elizabethtown College has announced that an all-female football team will officially be added to its athletic line-up. The College hopes to be a trailblazer for other colleges around the area.

by Amity Radcliff Sports Editor sportseditor@etown.edu

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tarting in the fall of 2020 Elizabethtown College will have an all-female football team added to its list of official athletic teams. It will officially be a part of the National Women’s Football Association (NFWA).

Most colleges and universities have not allowed female players onto their traditional football t e a m s s o Et o w n i s b e i n g a trailblazer by creating the first all-female team in the Central Pennsylvania area.

The rules follow similar rules to those of flag football, except it

will be a full-contact sport like the male counterpart (think NFL).

The ball will be a little smaller than a man’s ball in a similar fashion that women’s basketball has a smaller sized ball than men’s basketbal. This is due to the average size of a women’s hand being smaller than a man’s hand.

“I think it’s a great idea,” senior Cierra Stevens said in an email interview.

In terms of scoring the game, a touchdown will be worth six points. There will be no field goals, but the team will have three different ways they can get extra points. These extra points will be one point at three yards, two points from 10 yards, or they can

get three points from 20 yards.

Safety will also be rewarded with two points.

With Etown making this step, Stevens said she believes that other colleges will follow suit.

Etown is a trailblazer by creating this team and adding it to the athletic teams at the College.

“We could use an all-male cheerleading squad to cheer these ladies on!” Stevens added to her interview.

A l t h o u g h Et o w n h a s n o t announced anything about a cheer squad, one could be on the horizon. Tryouts are scheduled to star t Summer 2020. More information will be released as soon as possible.

Robot boxing feature student-created and programmed robots

by Amity Radcliff Sports Editor sportseditor@etown.edu

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tarting Monday, Apr. 6 Elizabethtown College will be opening the registration for the new robot boxing league. Computer science and engineering students are excited to showcase the robots they have been building over the years in this new league.

Using real robots made by students, colleges across the country are creating fighting rings, where participants can bring their robots to have a faceoff with another robot in a boxing challenge.

Robots created for this league are programmed specifically for fighting and boxing.

This was created to let students get creative when building robots. Robots can be programmed for many different tasks and activities, including housekeeping and cleaning, but they can also be athletic and that’s what will be showcased in these fights.

Many different factors will be used to judge the competition, including but not limited to, the performance made by the robot, the program created by the student as well as the robot structure and stability.

The fight will include three, three-minute rounds that may end in a robot getting broken. Between rounds participants will have about two minutes to make any tweaks to their robot or to determine if their robot can move onto the next round. A game may end due to a broken robot that may be unfixable.

Robot registration is open to any and all students who want to create a robot to compete. There will also be competitions with robots created by a group. Students can also become referees, any student interested can fill out a quick form and there will be a small certification course.

Be aware that robot boxing is a dangerous competition and everyone involved will need to take precautions. Students should use caution when building and testing their robots as well.

Faculty, staff and students should look out on Campus News from Monday, Apr. 6 for more details regarding this competition and to register themselves or their group for the league

Photo Photoshopped by Megan White | Photography Editor Robot boxing has recently grown popular as the creation of robots has increased. Students, faculty and staff will be able to participate with their own programmed robots for the upcoming leagues in the summer and fall.

Sports

page 12

April 1, 2020

Esports team relocates to the Blue Bean for Landmark game

Elizabethtown College Esports

by Thomas Rebar Staff Writer sportseditor@etown.edu

A

s of March 30, and for the foreseeable future, the Elizabethtown College esports team has decided to relocate. They relocated from a classroom to the Blue Bean Café Tuesday, March 31. While in the Blue Bean, they will continue to meet for practices, and if the team should host a match, that is where they will battle other schools in a game called “League of Legends.” The esports team plays “League of Legends” in five versus five battles.

“League of Legends” is a multiplayer online battle arena (MOA) game where players use their “champions” to fight battles against fellow teammates and other players from other schools. Some of the schools that the esports team face are Drew University, Goucher College, Juniata College and the University of Scranton to name a few. Not only do they get to participate against other schools, but they also get to participate in the Landmark Conference tournament against many of these schools and others, all at once.

In a short interview over email, one of the team members, Junior Derek Bosworth mentioned that they recently got a new coach. The new coach is Kyle Rosen. The team’s first match was January 31 against Juniata College. The semifinals were Thursday, March 26, and the finals were Sunday, March 29. The next match is to be determined next semester.

They only have 17 people on the team and are looking for future interest. The team has been doing statistically well with “League of Legends,” but they have picked up another interesting game along the way.

This game is called “Run From the Riverbank.” In this game, the players must attempt to get themselves and their teammates through a small lagoon and across a dangerous riverbank, which is home to many dangerous creatures.

After the player crosses the dangerous river, the player must use a map to find a mansion in a forest, all while trying to run to safety from an army of giants, evil elves and zombies. Once they get to the cabin, they must attempt to get

Apr. 2

Now

he B

lue

Bea

n!!

Look out for information on new matches taking place in the new location starting next semester

to the basement before they are spotted by Bigfoot. If they can get to the basement alive, they have beaten the level.

Along the way to the basement, they will have to find food and weapons, which will help them fight off the dangerous creatures on the way to the mansion.

There are three levels of nine levels in total. The first three

Apr. 3

Interest meeting for new members of esports

in t

Apr. 4

levels are supposed to be easy, the next three are supposed to be harder and the next two are supposed to be hard. The last level is the boss level. In the last level, the player must fight against and kill the Loch Ness Monster before they are able to cross the river. Once they beat level nine, they have officially beaten the game.

Apr. 5

Apr. 6

Apr. 7

Esports team practice in the Blue Bean

Registration opens for robot boxing

Zoom conference game

Robot building at Masters Center for student groups

Esports match in the Blue Bean

Interest meeting for all-female football team at Wolf Field

Interest meeting for all-female football team at Wolf Field Zoom conference game

Athlete of the Week Truman

by Amity Radcliff Sports Editor sportseditor@etown.edu Known as “Truman the therapy dog,” Truman has made a lasting impression on the Elizabethtown College campus and community. He is the unofficial spokesperson for the College and is always advocating for the students on campus. He has had his own Homecoming float in the parade and even gave out his autograph for his most beloved fans. Truman continues inspiring the students who live and work on campus everyday.

Class year: I don’t know, but don’t make me leave Major: Socialization (and lunch) Hometown: Born in Dleat, Pa. Raised in Lancaster, Pa. High school: Canine School of Obedience and Tricks Favorite Jay’s Nest item: Chicken tenders, of course, and an egg jay Favorite movie: “Air Bud” Favorite place to visit: Ocean City, NJ and Elizabethtown College

Favorite musician/band: Baha Men (“Who Let the Dogs Out”) In 10 years, I want to be...

Making people smile, chasing all the squirrels and chipmunks on campus and relaxing Hardly anyone knows that...

I can be sassy Favorite Etown Memory: Having a float in the Homecoming parade Greatest Etown accomplishment: Getting to make an impact on so many college students Greatest sport accomplishment: Professional squirrel chaser

Photo courtesy of Andy Williams