PERFECTION IS OVERRATED

By Lisa Palermo Matto

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I WAS A BIT “JUDGY” OF OTHER PARENTS BEFORE I HAD MY OWN CHILDREN. IT WAS EASY TO DO. I WOULD ASSESS A SITUATION FROM AFAR AND THINK I COULD DO A BETTER JOB HANDLING THE PROBLEM AND/OR THE CHILD. THE TRUTH IS, NO ONE HAS A CLUE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO PARENT A CHILD UNTIL YOU ARE BLESSED WITH ONE OR MORE OF YOUR OWN.

There is no failproof method on how to parent, and if you have a child or children with exceptional needs, you better be ready to hold on to your hat and fly by the seat of your pants. The audacity of my having judged anyone trying to raise good humans in the world was preposterous. Once my two children came along, with the youngest having Down syndrome, I realized I also needed to stop judging.

When my son was in fourth grade and my daughter in kindergarten, they attended elementary school together. It would be the only time in their school career they would be in the same building simultaneously. On one particular morning, our transition from home to school had been extremely difficult and chaotic. Marlee had flushed her glasses and her pancakes down the toilet. Her backup pair of glasses were with the optometrist being repaired, so she would have to go without until further notice. Casey had bucked brushing his teeth again and was sloppily finishing the previous night’s homework at the breakfast table. There was yelling coming from me, tears coming from Marlee, and grunting coming from Casey. By the time we left for school, we were all exhausted and upset. There was no wave goodbye from either of them, let alone a kiss. “Don’t forget your toothbrush,” I yelled to Casey. I had brought it in the car as I knew he had not brushed them at home. I just couldn’t let that be. “I hate you,” was his reply as he slammed the door. I felt like a failure—the worst parent in the world. I was convinced I was ruining my children.

A couple of hours would pass before I received the first of two phone calls from the principal. “Mrs. Matto,” she would begin, “there has been a series of incidents involving Marlee.” “A series of incidents?” I questioned. It seemed that in a matter of seconds, Marlee had managed to slip away from her aide, crumple the art project of one student, and bite the arms of two more. I was mortified. I would need to meet with the

principal and kindergarten teacher after school.

“My day could not possibly get any worse,” I thought, and then I received a second phone call from the school. “Mrs. Matto,” the principal once again began, “I am sorry to inform you that a second meeting will be required from you today.” “It seems Casey walked into an empty classroom and wrote a swear word on the blackboard. Casey will need to attend with you.” As I hung up the phone, I began to sob.

“What kind of mother has children who bite, crumple works of art, and write profanity on a classroom chalkboard?” I asked out loud. “Me,” I answered, and I began to sob louder. It was at this point my father called the house. He immediately knew something was wrong and began to question me. He listened without any judgment and finally said, “Did you think we were having fun all those years raising you and your brother? Stop blaming yourself and stop rushing to judgment,” he said. “Listen to the school, but also remember to listen to your kids. Let me know how you make out.” And with that, he ended our conversation, leaving me with a few key points:

1. Stop blaming yourself 2. Stop rushing to judgment 3. Remember to listen to your kids

When I met with the school staff later that afternoon, I tried to keep everything in perspective. Marlee’s outburst was not because I was a terrible mom or the consequences of her flushing her glasses (and pancakes) down the toilet. Her regular aide was not in school today, and she had a substitute. While I was torturing myself over our imperfect morning, Marlee was giving the poor, unsuspecting substitute aide a run for her money. We were able to tweak her behavior chart to include a reward system with stickers when she completed a scheduled task. When she accumulated enough stickers, she would be able to pick a special activity to do with a friend. This gave Marlee an incentive to complete her classroom activities and gave her the opportunity to learn to manage her time and impulses. The next meeting with Casey resulted in him having to stay after school for detention the following day. It was the first time I had ever received a call from the school regarding his behavior. I was positive it was because I had been on him that morning about his teeth and his homework. When we returned home from the meeting, I asked Casey why he had done it. “Is it because I made you so upset?” Before he could answer, I apologized for bringing his toothbrush into the car and yelling at him. He looked incredulously at me. “Mom,” he said, “I have no idea what you are talking about. Jake bet me five dollars I wouldn’t do it, so I wanted to prove him wrong and get the money.” Shaking his head, he walked out of the kitchen, folding his five-dollar bill and literally laughing all the way to his piggy bank.

Many times during those early years of raising my children, I judged myself too harshly. Every decision I made had me second-guessing myself. Inc. magazine once reported the average person makes 36,000 decisions in a day. If that’s true, then the average mother or caregiver makes double that amount— decisions regarding food choices, discipline, activities, medication, friends, sleepovers, clothes, screen time, social media access, tutors. The list goes on and on. If you have an exceptional child, throw in decisions regarding Individualized Educational Plans (IEPs), services, respite, medical specialists, and more. We make decisions weighing the pros and cons, ultimately trying to determine the best outcome for each child. The amount of mental and emotional energy we process making decisions on behalf of our kids can wear us out. Let’s not agonize over and second-guess each decision we make. Let’s not think every decision our children make is a reflection of our parenting. Parenting is not about being perfect, and perfection is overrated. Parenting is about using our heads and our hearts to raise good humans.

Lisa Palermo Matto lives in Central New York with her husband and two children. She graduated with a BA degree from the State University of New York at Oswego and received her teaching certification from Le Moyne College. She spent many years teaching middle school English and is presently a youth minister and motivational speaker. Lisa is the author of the book, The Up Side Of Downs, which chronicles life with her daughter Marlee, who has Down syndrome. It is a compilation of funny, touching stories that celebrate inclusion, family, neighbors, and community. While she always has her passport at the ready to travel, Lisa is happiest in her kitchen surrounded by family and friends, dishing up homemade pasta, sauce, and her family’s renowned pizza recipe, made famous by her late Uncle Shuffles.

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Side-Downs-Lisa-Palermo-Matto/dp/B08WZH5479 Blog: https://www.whatjusthappenedblog.com/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-palermo-matto-61954825 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themarleeadventures, https://www.instagram.com/lisamatto1/?hl=en