HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT BULLYING

By Brett J. Novick, MS, LMFT, CSSW

“H ey, fat boy!” Those words resonate with a sickening echo over the backdrop of my pleasant middle school memories. Many of us can recall the shadow of our bullies in the existence of our academic experiences, and these never fade entirely with time. In recent years, with the increase of school violence and youth suicide, schools have turned an important eye towards the harmful effects of bullying. Bullying can no longer be the “rite of passage” that was an informal initiation to the full educational experience.

Talking to our children about bullying early is vital to preserve their school experience, maintain their mental health, and enhance their self-esteem. The following are some thoughts to help along that road:

1TALK CALMLY AND WITHOUT EXCESSIVE EMOTIONS

Children associate emotional parents with upset parents and think they have done something wrong. As a result, they will close down and not share further information on bullying for fear of upsetting their parents.

2ADDRESS THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN TATTLING ON A PEER AND TELLING

Bullying is often preserved under a veil of secrecy and fear that tattling will lead to peer ridicule. It is important to distinguish that bullying is a responsibility that must be deferred to adults to address immediately and always. 3IF IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS Bullies often use targets as messengers for those actions they do not want to carry out themselves directly. Therefore, encourage your children not to carry verbal messages from other peers.

4USE APPS TO MONITOR MOBILE COMMUNICATION

The majority of bullying now takes place via the internet on mobile devices. For a nominal fee, you can track texts and social media interactions if needed. Additionally, software filters can avoid potential sites of cyberbullying.

5DISCUSS DIGITAL CITIZENSHIP AND SAFETY We all try to teach our children a basic level of street smarts and the dangers of the world around them. It is important to have a list of rules for digital citizenship usage in your family and that the use of technology is a privilege, not a right.

6TEACH ASSERTIVENESS Our children all span a range between passive to aggressive. The vast majority of our children fall in the middle or to-

wards the passive side. The goal is to be somewhere in the middle (in the assertiveness range) of responding to conflict. If someone is bothering them, it requires a three-step process: saying how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you need to solve the problem.

Teach children no one can read their thoughts, so they have to express them and a suggestion to solve the problem. 7DEVELOP SKILLS TO HANDLE CONFLICT The more tools a child has, the more they are able to handle potential issues. Encourage being able to walk away from conflict, moving towards playing with peers who prove to be kind. Do not continue to try to play with those who do not play well with you. When you are angry, walk away and cool down.

8TEACH THEM NOT TO BE A MESSENGER OF BULLYING

The old adage holds true. Ask yourself: Is it kind? Is it true? Should you say it? Would that make your mom, dad, teacher, and yourself proud?

As our children grow, they will face life experiences that will be challenging and difficult. But, with the help of parents and other adults they trust, it will build character and strength. Nothing offers more pride than seeing our children grow and develop into their own unique person.

Brett J. Novick, MS, LMFT, CSSW, holds a master’s degree in Family Therapy and post-degree certification in Social Work and Educational Administration. He is currently earning his doctorate in Education. He has worked as a school social worker/counselor for the last 20 years and is an adjunct instructor at Rutgers University and Stockton Universities. Brett has been a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice while also serving in community mental health and substance abuse settings over the last two decades. Additionally, he has supervised in family counseling, school counseling, centers for abused and neglected children, and centers for adults and children with developmental disabilities. He has also been a licensed foster parent. Brett has authored eight educational, children’s, and self-help books. He has written for several national educational, parenting, and mental health magazines as well. He has presented nationally on the subjects of child behavior, education, and mental health. He has been humbled with awards for his work in education—the NJEA Martin Luther King Jr. Human and Civil Rights Award as well as the NJ Council on Developmental Disabilities Educator of the Year Award, the NJ State Governor’s Office Jefferson Award for Public Service, and District’s Teacher of the Year and Ocean County Counselor of the Year.

Website: https://www.brettsbooks.com/