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CEASEFIRE: A NEW APPROACH TO DIFFUSE INFLAMMATORY STATEMENTS, DESIRES, AND DECISIONS
CEASEFIRE
A New Approach to Diffuse Inflammatory Statements, Desires, and Decisions
By Raun K. Kaufman
“I want to beat up some cops.”
Brock uttered this to me in the same matter-of-fact tone I might use to inform my wife I was considering going to the supermarket to pick up some veggies. He was a sophisticated, highly verbal 18-year-old on the autism spectrum, and we were just beginning that week’s phone session. As a hulk of a guy with a highly-tuned sense of fairness (or his perception of its lack), Brock could make good on his wish if he chose to.
Nevertheless, I replied to his statement with curiosity. “Oh? Why is that?” You may be tempted to scoff at such a reply, your mind bursting with skeptical questions. What if he really does it? Don’t you have a responsibility to immediately warn him not to do it, convince him not to try it, threaten him with dire consequences? Even if you don’t think he means it, shouldn’t you at least tell him not to say such things out loud?
Short answer: No. Longer answer: Everyone had already tried these things. Had they worked, I wouldn’t have been called onto the scene.
Longest answer: Not only do these knee-jerk approaches not work, they actually exacerbate the situation in every conceivable way. They break trust. They shut down potentially productive conversations. They prevent us from understanding our loved ones on the spectrum. They inflame rebelliousness. And they stoke conflict.
Responding first with an open-ended follow-up question (asked with curiosity, interest, and care) takes us in a completely different direction. It deescalates. It opens doors. It builds trust. It gives our loved ones nothing to push against. And it enables us to begin to truly understand our teens and young adults on the spectrum.
In Brock’s case, the more questions I asked, the more I began to understand why Brock felt so passionately about this is-
sue. His experience of his life was of being, in his estimation, continually treated unfairly by adults in power. He disagreed with the way rules and restrictions were applied to him by his parents and educators. And he viewed law enforcement, too, as a personal threat hanging over his head. Why? Because they would be the ones to restrain him and take him to a psychiatric unit were he to get angry enough with his parents or anyone else to commit or credibly threaten violence—an outcome that had not actually happened, but which had come close to transpiring in the past.
So, I was able to understand Brock more. He showed me a window into his thoughts, his fears, and even his values. And, just as importantly, Brock felt heard. He trusted me and was thus open to different directions for our conversation—and for his own feelings and actions. Once I was clear about what was going on for him, I began to ask Brock other kinds of questions—specifically, questions about how he envisioned events unfolding. “What do you think would happen if you went up to a police officer and started hitting and punching them?”
This is where Brock’s magical thinking came into play. He explained that he would simply beat the office up, and then walk away.
“And what about when other police officers arrived?” He would beat them up, too.
“What if five more came?” He would beat them up, too. “What if ten more came?”
At that point, he acknowledged that he wouldn’t be able to beat up ten people at once. So then, together, we went through, step-by-step, what would likely happen next. The police would tackle him. They would restrain him (a possibility which terrified him). They would take him someplace where he couldn’t see his parents, couldn’t come and go as he pleased, and other people would have control over most areas of his life (a possibility which terrified him even more). As the conversation progressed, Brock actively solicited my thoughts about police officers and about what would happen to him if he attacked them. And he really took in and considered my answers.
After our argument-free conversation, Brock decided he was not going to do anything violent to any police officer. And—get this—he actually thanked me for helping him!
Over time, he grew in many ways. He began to really think through how he responded to things he didn’t like or agree with, taking more ownership of those responses. He started to understand he didn’t need to take a belligerent stance in order to feel powerful and in control of his life. And he no longer engaged in magical thinking—instead making more realistic assessments of how things might unfold.
Why did Brock change his tune?
The purpose of this article is to give you a brand new—and much more effective and productive—approach to your loved one on the spectrum…particularly with regard to addressing potentially problematic thoughts, desires, statements, or decisions they might make. For most of us, addressing statements our loved ones on the spectrum make—statements that push our buttons, seem socially unwise, or deeply concern us because of potential consequences—can feel incredibly tricky, uncomfortable, fraught with pitfalls, and maybe even unsolvable.
It may relieve you immensely to know this doesn’t have to be the case. Some situations are definitely dicier than others, but, in a massive number of them, an approach I call Taxi Driver Decisional Assistance can open the door for a different way for them to think about their thoughts, desires, statements, and decisions without you having to push, contradict, argue, threaten, scold, or debate them. Doesn’t that sound amazing?
What Is Taxi Driver Decisional Assistance?
Taxi Driver Decisional Assistance is an approach that enables highly verbal people on the autism spectrum to think through the social and other consequences of potential decisions, extreme responses, magical thinking, etc. using a conflict-free analogy and discussion style where you are their “taxi driver” just trying to help them take the best route to their desired destination.
Within this analogy, their job is to decide where they want to go (make a friend, not feel anxious, stick up for themselves when someone is treating them in a way they don’t like, feel strong, make an important life decision, succeed in a social situation, find a romantic partner, etc.). Your job is to help them get there—while alerting them to roadblocks and obstacles on various routes (i.e., how people will react, what would happen, what might be the most useful strategy for them to get what they want to get or feel how they want to feel).
This allows for much better decision-making while not giving your loved one anything to push back on or rebel against. How can you use this approach when your loved one on the spectrum expresses desires you have a concern about (“I’m going to tell that girl she’s sexy,” “I’m not listening to anything my teacher says anymore,” “I hate my parents. I’m going to run away and go live on my own.”)?
1. Stay cool when the rhetoric heats up
Usually, when a teenager or young adult on the spectrum says something inflammatory, we immediately tighten up. We get scared. We start imagining the person might do what they are suggesting. Or we are simply concerned that merely saying it could cause problems. (On top of that, some of us, when we feel that our authority is being challenged, get angry or intense.
Hmm…who does that remind you of?) If you are tight, scared, or angry, that is going to very likely trigger a
Neuro-Crash in your loved one (or student), which will lead to them escalating. So, the first thing to do is to relax yourself.
2. Don’t try to control them in that moment
Your every instinct will scream that you must put your foot down. Don’t do it. People on the autism spectrum have a heightened need for control. Violate it at your own peril.
3. Ask some open-ended questions with curiosity and caring
These are mostly going to be the questions “Why?” (in response to them saying they want to do something, that they like or don’t like something, or that they feel a particular way) and “What do you mean by that?” (in response to them using loaded terms like “He’s a jerk,” or
“That’s unfair,” or swearing). These types of questions allow you to understand where they are coming from.
4. Set up the Taxi Driver analogy
Taxi Driver Decisional Assistance is not some sneaky ploy I use to trick people on the spectrum into chang-
ing their tune or going my way. I come right out and tell them exactly what I’m doing. I explain the analogy to them, including both of our roles. They love it.
5. Use the Taxi Driver analogy to (sweetly, and in a relaxed and easy-going manner) give them guidance.
Remember that, in this case, guidance doesn’t take the form of “You need to stop doing X and start doing Y,”
“I think you should do X,” or “Don’t say that!” It takes the form of using the information you’ve gleaned about what’s important to them from Step Three to bring up the potential obstacles and consequences of them doing what they say they’re going to do. This includes brainstorming how they can begin to get what they want (and feel the way they want to feel) in a way that might actually work.
You will be truly shocked at what is possible when your loved one (or student) does not feel judged, bossed around, or pushed. With Brock and every other teen and young adult with whom I’ve worked, I have found I can suggest or put forth anything, as long as they don’t feel I’m invested in and controlling about what they do, say, or think. It’s my job to demonstrate this to them. If you can show your loved one the same thing, a whole new world opens up for both of you.
Raun K. Kaufman is the author of the book Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method That Has Helped Families All Over the World and the former CEO of the Autism Treatment Center of America®. An international lecturer and graduate of the Ivy League’s Brown University with a degree in Biomedical Ethics, Raun has completed lecture tours throughout Asia, Europe, and the U.S. He has written articles featured in journals such as The Autism File and Good Autism Practice, books such as Silver Linings and Cutting-Edge Therapies for Autism, and has been interviewed by media such as National Public Radio, BBC Television, Fox News Channel, The London Telegraph, and People Magazine.
Along with author Kate C. Wilde, he co-created the ACT (Autism Crisis Turnaround) protocol and accompanying courses. In addition to his work with families and educators over the past 22 years, Raun brings a distinctive qualification to the realm of autism treatment: his own personal history. As a child, Raun was diagnosed with severe autism and recommended for lifelong institutionalization. Instead, his parents developed The Son-Rise Program®, which enabled their son to completely overcome his challenges. His story was recounted in the best-selling book, Son-Rise: The Miracle Continues, and the award-winning NBC-TV movie, Son-Rise: A Miracle of Love.
Websites: www.RaunKKaufman.com, www.AutismCrisisTurnaround.com
