COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES
CEASEFIRE A New Approach to Diffuse Inflammatory Statements, Desires, and Decisions By Raun K. Kaufman “I want to beat up some cops.” Brock uttered this to me in the same matter-of-fact tone I might use to inform my wife I was considering going to the supermarket to pick up some veggies. He was a sophisticated, highly verbal 18-year-old on the autism spectrum, and we were just beginning that week’s phone session. As a hulk of a guy with a highly-tuned sense of fairness (or his perception of its lack), Brock could make good on his wish if he chose to. Nevertheless, I replied to his statement with curiosity. “Oh? Why is that?” You may be tempted to scoff at such a reply, your mind bursting with skeptical questions. What if he really does it? Don’t you have a responsibility to immediately warn him not to do it, convince him not to try it, threaten him with dire consequences? Even if you don’t think he means it, shouldn’t you at least tell him not to say such things out loud? Short answer: No.
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Longer answer: Everyone had already tried these things. Had they worked, I wouldn’t have been called onto the scene. Longest answer: Not only do these knee-jerk approaches not work, they actually exacerbate the situation in every conceivable way. They break trust. They shut down potentially productive conversations. They prevent us from understanding our loved ones on the spectrum. They inflame rebelliousness. And they stoke conflict. Responding first with an open-ended follow-up question (asked with curiosity, interest, and care) takes us in a completely different direction. It deescalates. It opens doors. It builds trust. It gives our loved ones nothing to push against. And it enables us to begin to truly understand our teens and young adults on the spectrum. In Brock’s case, the more questions I asked, the more I began to understand why Brock felt so passionately about this is-
