Exodus Magazine - August 2020

perspectives

A True Relationship Simon Jacobson

O

ne of the most frequently asked questions today is a personal one: How do I find and maintain a good relationship? Love remains the most compelling and elusive issues of our time, and perhaps of all time.

How can I find a healthy, meaningful and above all, permanent relationship?

No adequate answer will be found to this question until we first understand what exactly a relationship is.

The word “relationship” means two things relating to one another. But what is the essence of a relationship? What makes a relationship work? What ingredients are necessary?

The secret of a relationship can be found in an unlikely place: The month in which we find ourselves now.

We have just entered the Hebrew month of Elul, the last month of the year. Every month has its own unique energy and power. Elul is the month of love and relationships. The sign of Elul is Virgo, and one of the acronyms of Elul is: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li, meaning “I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me” (Song

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of Songs 6:3).

Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li captures the very essence of a relationship: It is mutually symbiotic fusion of two forces – I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me.

First there are two distinct personalities: “I” and “my beloved.” Then the “I” (my personality) takes the initiative and reaches to “my beloved.” In turn, “my beloved” responds “to me.”

Ani l’dodi v’dodi li emphasizes another vital aspect – that a relationship is a reflection: You and your beloved mirror each other.

Like the face reflected in water, one heart [is reflected] in another (Proverbs 27:19). Love elicited is in direct proportion to love given.

When “I am to my beloved” – “my beloved” will be “to me.” The same way that “I am to my beloved,” so will “my beloved” be “to me.”

Thinking of love as your reflection is quite extraordinary: Look into the eyes of your beloved and you will see yourself.

Finally, Elul’s Ani l’dodi v’dodi li teaches us that love is about initiating. First Ani L’dodi – I am to my beloved, and that is the catalyst

for “my beloved to me.” Love is proactive, nor reactive or passive. If you want love in your life do not stand on the sidelines, “protecting” yourself from being hurt and wait for someone to love you. You must learn to give – to initiate, to love. And when you do – love comes back to you.

One powerful question, however, looms: How is it possible that two distinct entities should become one? Can they actually retain their distinct personalities and truly love each other? It’s one thing to say that for love we pay a price. The price is relinquishing independence and compromising your identity for the benefits that love brings. But it’s quite another to claim that love can be had without compromising individuality.

Yet, we are told that true love is unity, and true unity is the fusion of two souls in one seamless union, in which both remain intact while joining as one.

How that paradox is possible requires a journey into the mystery of Divine Unity, the theme of this column over the last few weeks.

The quest to discover Divine unity in a pluralistic universe is far thornier than the

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