made you think
Are You Damaged Goods? Simon Jacobson
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ot long ago a young man in his early 30’s came to see me. Tall, handsome and articulate, he seemed put together. That is, until he began to share his story. At first he spoke calmly and deliberately. Even as he discussed himself he did so as if he was speaking about another person, totally aloof and detached. But then the dam broke. With tears in his eyes he shared with me how he was violated and deeply wounded as a child, in ways that I would prefer not to graphically describe here. Hearing how an innocent defenseless child has been hurt tears your heart out. I too began to well up. But then things got worse. This man, at no fault of his own, told me how his entire childhood and growth into adulthood was haunted by one prevailing feeling: “I am damaged goods.” And if this wasn’t bad enough, he related how, after years of intense therapy, he sensed that his own therapist agreed with him. “In one of our last sessions,” he told me, “I asked my therapist if he sees me making any progress. I still am having extreme difficulty dating and building a healthy relationship. I don’t feel that I trust anyone, and am pretty sure that no one trusts me. So where is this therapy going”? The fellow continued: “My therapist’s tepid reply made my heart sink. He told me that healing takes time; it can often be a lifelong experience, and even then some things may never be fixed.” “So what am I paying top dollar for therapy when things may never be fixed?!” he blurted out to me – and, I guess, to his therapist. Great question. I asked him for permission to call his shrink and try to get some clarity. With his blessing I unabashedly picked up the phone and had a conversation with this mental health professional. Long story short, this particular therapist believes that therapy can soothe, minimize and alleviate some of the pain, hopefully enough to allow this fellow to function better, but damaged goods are damaged goods, and he didn’t have much hope that this individual would become functional enough to build a healthy marriage and family. “Some people are not destined to find true happiness, especially in that way.
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We need to help them find some comfort in other ways.” I didn’t expect that he would share this sentiment with his paying client… When I pushed him further, wondering what his role as a healer of souls may be, he finally conceded that some damages cannot be repaired. He actually presented a plausible and even scientific (based on his axioms, that is) argument: Just as body parts can be severed (G‑d forbid) in an accident, with no hope of growing back, so too can our psyches incur irreversible damage.” Whoa… I thought to myself: This certainly opens up a Pandora’s box. Is this true? Do many – and how many – psychologists actually believe that certain life experiences damage you forever? How many feel that some people are actually damaged goods? And how does this bode for the benefits of modern psychology and its interventions? I went to search for the definition of “damaged goods” and discovered that most dictionaries offer a gloomy definition: “A person who is considered to be no longer desirable or valuable because of something that has happened.” “A person considered to be less than perfect psychologically, as a
result of a traumatic experience.” I reminded myself of Josephine Hart’s damaging quote: “Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” Is that good or bad news? The questions mount – and challenge our very perception of ourselves, as well as the perception of our professionals. How deep are the effects of psychological trauma? Trauma results from a violation of a person’s familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This can also be experienced when people or institutions, depended on for survival, violate or betray or disillusion the person in some unforeseen way. Traumatic experiences in people’s lives, especially in children, completely overwhelm the individual’s ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. This sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks, years or even decades, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances. We know that a severe traumatic event, especially one that is repeated or enduring,
February 2022 / Adar I 5782
