Work Shift

It has been some time since the pandemic began, and I am grateful for my health and my job. I now work remotely and can avoid the time spent commuting on a crowded train. They call it “work from home,” but am I really working from home or am I living at work? Boundaries for this food addict do not come easily, especially with work. Before I came into FA, I was often the first one in the office and the last one to leave. I loved feeling useful and I enjoyed the pace of daily activities. It would rev me up and give me a sense of purpose. I would isolate behind a project or a deadline and avoid the mess I had made of my life. In truth, work was one of the few places I felt successful. I would get a hit from the busyness and my ego would get a short lived boost. At the end of the day, as I made my way home, I would fantasize about rewarding myself with pounds, pints, and packages of flour and sugar products.

My goal was to avoid facing the reality of my circumstances and numb myself by bingeing and purging. Flour and sugar were my anesthesia. As my body got bigger, my world got smaller and my need for more and more food to feel numb grew, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year. And it worked, until it didn’t.

Program found me 13 years ago, and my life has changed in every conceivable way. I’m grateful to have recovered my integrity, my faith in a power greater than myself, and my relationships with people.

Back in the days before program, work from home would have been a green light to isolate further, make hundreds of trips to the pantry and refrigerator, binge and purge, and marinate in the inevitable self-loathing that accompanied every pound gained.

Today, with the help of my Higher Power, I don’t hurt myself with food and I no longer bury myself in work. I weigh and measure both. With the help of my tools and the Twelve Steps, I’ve learned to hold myself to reasonable boundaries as I work from home. The seduction of emptying my inbox or the satisfaction of completing a project after working long into the night may spark my interest momentarily, but I know what to do in response. I am privileged to be able to push myself away from my laptop and walk toward a meeting, a connection, a weighed and measured meal, or any of the other available tools.

I’ve become flexible as I navigate life during the pandemic. Weighing and measuring my responses to the present moment, just as it is, is my gateway to lasting peace and serenity.