Bottom Dollar

I used to joke that I only had a kitchen because it came with the house. In the years leading up to FA, I was eating all three meals at fast food places, even if I had packed my lunch or purchased groceries to cook. I tried to pick different places in my small town for each meal so the workers wouldn’t catch on to how many times I was eating there. I cringed every time the cashiers recognized me as a regular customer. I often ordered two meals, and at grocery stores, I made up stories of big events so the cashier would not think all the food was just for me. I stockpiled fast food debris in my car and waited to empty it when I was sure neighbors were not home to see how many bags I placed in the garbage barrels.

Seeing how often fast food and groceries filled my bank statement was depressing. I began to use different payment methods so the bank and credit card employees would not see how much I was eating. I stopped using money-tracking software because I did not want to see how much I was spending on food, which was represented with a large wedge in the pie chart. I now realize how ridiculous these games were, but at the time I was trying to hide the evidence of my disease, not only from others but from myself.

I went from being 20 pounds overweight at age 18 to being 200 pounds overweight by the time I was 36. Financing a size 36 wardrobe was not cheap, as big clothes were more expensive and had to be shipped. All this spending on food and clothing prevented me from trying too many commercial weight-loss programs because I just didn’t have the money to spare.

After joining FA, I slowly started tracking my finances again. I no longer shielded myself from the painful evidence of my addictive eating. My food plan was anything but skimpy and as my son became a teenager, food was still one of my largest expenses. But I took pride in knowing that the money was spent on good, clean, simple, healthy food that was actually eaten.

I still have financial hiccups, even in recovery. After losing weight, I went a little crazy over being able to shop for clothes in real stores. I was also trying to fill the void left empty by the food but not yet filled completely by my Higher Power. However, I had enough recovery to keep turning my financial decisions over to my Higher Power, and I was able to turn it around without creating any significant problems.

When my son and I decided he was old enough to stay home alone, I moved the money I had been using for babysitting into a savings account. This allowed me to visit my sponsor’s larger, stronger fellowship in California and still have funds available to attend the FA Business Convention in Massachusetts. I was thankful to be using my money for uplifting, rather than degrading, causes.

I am grateful to learn that “less is more,” both in food and material items. Mostly, I am grateful that people of FA recognize me and reach out for my friendship, unlike the cashiers that were only reaching out for my money.