Calling for Help

My boss told us to take work home at the end of the workday because we would not be allowed into the building again for three weeks or more. I was shocked. Is COVID that serious?

During my lunch hour I decided to go shopping. I was completely unaware of how New York City was affected by the pandemic. I’d stopped watching television because I found myself lusting after certain foods and seeing them on my 57-inch television screen did not help. I walked to my favorite clothing store and was shocked that it was closed. All the clothing stores were closed! How could shops around Wall Street be closed? Where are the annoying tourists? I felt scared and alone.

Five years ago, before FA, I would have run straight to the cafeteria to get a snack or two. Then I’d go to a restaurant to pick up some dinner using credit cards because I was broke most of the time and did not have cash. At that time, I also had to order clothing online because the plus-size clothing stores did not carry size 30/32 clothing. Even online, my choices were limited, so I was usually forced to buy polyester muumuus. Today, I have freedom to buy clothes from any store I can afford and pay with cash.

As I continued to walk, I found a drug store and went in to buy an Easter plush toy for my 22-year-old daughter. I started walking towards the cashiers and found myself in the snack aisle. I thought, What am I doing in this aisle? What is that about? I’ve been here dozens of times and I didn’t walk down this aisle. I’ve been in FA for five years and I’ve experienced joys, sadness, deaths, job change, empty nest syndrome, and dating. I don’t eat over those things and I don’t want to start now. I need to get out of here and make an outreach call. That was such a miracle for me. I felt an instinct to call and not eat.

On my way back to work, I was able to identify my feelings of fear and uncertainty and realized I was not prepared for COVID. What do I do? Where do I go? What if I already got COVID in the subway? I was scared. I wanted to numb out; I didn’t want to feel these uncomfortable feelings.

For 50-plus years, I used food to press down my fears, my loneliness, my shame, and my sadness. I ate myself into oblivion or until I had a sugar blackout, waking up in panic wondering who took my food, as I brushed the crumbs off my chest and stomach. I did not want to feel any feelings then. Now, I do my tools to make me strong for when I’m weak.

After a short prayer, I made an outreach call and was reminded that, even in the face of a pandemic, I do not have to eat over it like I used to.

I will continue to do my one percent for my abstinence and my Higher Power will do the rest. What a relief. I find comfort during these uncertain times by utilizing the tools given to me by FA. Just for today, I don’t have to use food like a drug to numb me out or give me a sugar blackout. It’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to ask God for help, and it’s okay to call my FA fellows for guidance.