The Many Gifts of Recovery

I joined FA to lose weight and only to lose weight. I didn’t believe I had anything to gain from other aspects of the program. I heard other fellows say they “Joined for the vanity and stayed for the sanity,” but I was perfectly sane. I was sure that all the other bits and pieces of the program, such as emotional and spiritual recovery, weren’t relevant or important. However, when my 12-year-old son recently underwent a minor surgical procedure, I reflected that night on the many moments during the day that made me realize the multi-faceted gifts of this program.

FA has given me the experience of living without the excess weight but, for the first time in my life, I became aware that it also allows me to live with an emotional lightness and a spiritual anchor when dealing with an extremely challenging day.

On the morning of his surgery, I had to wake up a whole hour earlier to fit in my morning tools. This was not overly appealing. I managed to draw strength and motivation to set my alarm clock and get out of bed extra early by reminding myself that my sponsor gets up at that time each and every day of the year. It also pleased me that I could be a role model for my sponsee, by putting an extra boundary in place instead of feeling sorry for myself and making allowances to suit myself or my circumstances.

As we arrived at the hospital, we walked past the cafeteria that I was all too familiar with. When I made my frequent visits to my ailing father, this same cafeteria had always been my first pit stop to pacify myself with food in order to help me through those difficult visits. I was always of the opinion that I deserved a particular product because I was going through such an emotional time and because I had something extra to add to my already stressful schedule. On the day of my son’s surgery, however, I had my weighed and measured meals packed in my bag and I simply continued walking past the cafeteria, armed with a sense of serenity.

While waiting for the doctors to get ready for the surgery, my son was watching TV and I found myself making calls to and answering calls from fellows. I reflected on the fact that prior to joining FA, I would have been totally engrossed in work-related matters. At this same hospital, even during labor, I took work calls. What a gift to know that I had put work aside, placed it in its proper place for the day, and I could be connected and present for the moment.

When it was time for my son to be wheeled into the operating theater, the nurse gave him the option of having his mother by his side while having the anesthetic administered. He anxiously looked at me and asked me to be there with him. The nurse quickly passed me a gown and I was delighted in the fact that I knew for certain the gown would fit me, now that I am in a right-sized body. What a blessing. I was proud to be properly attired and present when my son needed me, rather than feeling humiliated because I couldn’t fit my morbidly obese body into a regular-sized gown.

During the operation, I was asked to wait in a passageway. There was a vending machine directly opposite and I imagined how many snacks I would have previously consumed to help soothe my nerves during this stressful time. I was grateful for the neutrality I had when faced with non-abstinent food staring back at me. I reminded myself of the advice a fellow had once given me, and I said to myself, “That’s not my food anymore. It once was, but not anymore.”

When the surgeon came to chat with me after the operation, he reported that all had gone well, but he could not guarantee that the corrective procedure would, in fact, be successful long-term. Instead of hounding him to know more about future surgical options so that I could feel in control, I decided to have faith that my Higher Power would be in the know, and to wait and see how things transpired.

Once discharged, my son and I spent a beautiful afternoon together. I was grateful to be of service to him, knowing that I had put my family before my work and that we could spend quality time together instead of being centered around food. I fell asleep knowing that feeling good is about more than just being at a healthy weight. This simple program, although not always easy, makes me not only look good, but feel good, too.