Releasing the Weight

I came into FA weighing 159 pounds. I had been in another Twelve Step program for food for 15 years and was somewhat of an indigenous pillar in Twelve Step groups for other substances in my country of Kenya. I was grateful when FA “found” me, down on my knees, begging for sanity around body weight and food. I was ready and willing when at last I made the decision to start. I was finally ready to make the 6am sponsor calls, eat my meals, abstain from flour and sugar, weigh and measure my food—the works. The weight fell off quickly and so did the sizes.

Before joining FA, I was squeezing into sizes that did not fit, unbeknownst to me. I only found out later when good-hearted colleagues told me, “Oh, now you fit into your clothes.” By the end of the first year, I was a size 10 and within the next few months, a size 8, then a size 6. At 114 pounds, I was totally blissful. I reached my goal weight and I could let go of thoughts of dress size, fitting, even choice. Optimum health, zeal, and mobility was what I experienced.

My time of bliss ended as my body has had to adjust to menopause, a hysterectomy, and the removal of my left ovary. These physical changes forced me to reconcile with my ageold fear of losing control.

I have put on 10 extra pounds and I need to talk about my weight because only I see the madness inside. I am the only person in FA in my country; the closest FA members are long air flights away. I need to talk about weight because when I see my inside, I am not well enough yet to be normal.

It is a humbling experience. It is teaching me to rely on my Higher Power to release emotional weight and to clarify deluded thoughts. I am learning to appreciate my inner and outer beauty and constantly look at being honest about the addictions I still cling to. I know for sure this disease is mental far more than it is physical. I know now to be gentle with myself and share my thoughts with other food addicts. It is comforting to know that this inside challenge is not uncommon amongst us and that it is not vain of me to want to make amends with my body.

I humbly realize that recovery has given me the gift of abstinence and clear vision. I can and do accept that I am honest with my recovery, that my body now gives me real signals, that I can trust it. I simply need to give my body the space to make the adjustments it needs post-surgery and throughout menopause to settle down and recover.