Facing Fear

FA has helped me develop a daily practice of bringing all my fears to God. I thought I’d handled the scary fears related to being prediabetic and having had bariatric surgery. I thought I had this down until I recently faced a health challenge. The kind of fear I experienced challenged me in ways I could not have imagined.

My annual medical check-up visit started off well. My physician was pleasantly surprised by my weight loss and the improvement in my blood sugar levels. I left the appointment feeling quite well and grateful for all of the many improvements in my life since returning to FA.

Then I mentioned to my mother, a retired nurse, that I had a small lump under my ear, which didn’t worry my doctor. My mom felt the lump and suggested I get it looked at immediately.

I met with my primary care physician and was referred to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist), who quickly diagnosed me as having a mass on the parotid gland.

The first step was a CAT scan. The second was a biopsy. My husband was there with me as the doctor said the word “biopsy.” We both took a deep breath. I immediately thought about not telling my kids until we had more information. I didn’t want to scare them, but I was plenty scared.

The time between tests and results was about two weeks. My quiet time was filled with prayer and calls to my fellows were filled with hope and gratitude. There were moments when my old behaviors crept forward, but I knew sugar and flour would not relieve me of the fear. In the past, I always soothed myself by putting something in my mouth.

I had to use all my tools to make it through the two weeks. I re-read the chapter on acceptance in the Big Book, wrote a letter to God, called my fellows, and spoke daily with my sponsor. Even so, I was still so gripped with fear that I started grinding my teeth at night. It took time, but eventually I fully turned the care of the diagnosis over to God.

At the end of the waiting period, I was informed by my ENT that the mass was benign. However, the mass had to be removed and fully examined to ensure there was no cancer. I quickly agreed to the surgery and scheduled it for four weeks later.

My parents were relieved and advised me to check the surgeon’s background and get a second opinion if I had any concerns. Wow. That really planted a seed of fear in me. Now I have to worry if the doctor is sufficiently skilled for the procedure? I looked into the surgeon’s background and discovered he was just five years into his career. Immediately I questioned if this surgeon was too young. Maybe an older surgeon, more experienced with the procedure, would be better. I scheduled the second opinion.

My sponsor told me to be aware of the assumptions I was making about young surgeons. “Ask more questions,” she suggested, “instead of relying on stereotypes.” I asked my surgeon about his experience with this particular surgery. I asked about the level of difficulty and the length of the surgery. I asked about possible side effects. One side effect was facial paralysis. That scared me to death. I have to be on camera for work and did not want to look like I’d had a stroke. Fortunately, the young surgeon was more than willing to speak to my concerns and discuss probabilities.

Still, I scheduled the second opinion with the older surgeon. He was with a more prestigious academic health system. Turns out he had taught the younger surgeon. What are the odds of that? He also had more than 20 years of experience. Eureka! This is the guy.

That night I spoke to my fellows and sponsor about the comparison. “Pray on it and ask God for help in making the choice,” was the frequent advice I received from my fellows.

My sponsor’s constant refrain about not allowing fear to guide my decisions was a beacon for me. I became still and gave the concern to God.

On my knees each day, I prayed the Third Step prayer. I knew much of the fear was about the surgery itself, not the physician. I had no reason to believe the younger surgeon was not capable. In fact, the older surgeon spoke of the younger’s excellent skills. For a week, I asked God to show me the correct path. On the eighth day, I called the older surgeon’s office and thanked him and his staff but let them know I was moving forward with the younger surgeon.

I’m happy to report he did a fantastic job. He removed the mass, minimized the scarring, and there were no complications from the surgery during or after. The mass was benign, and I am whole and well today with no facial paralysis. Thank you, God.

Knowing I faced the fear and did not give in is comforting. Knowing I never broke my abstinence is also comforting. I could only stay in prayer and hope by calling my fellows, reading my literature, and listening to my sponsor.

The promises of the program are real. We do not have to live in fear. We can hand all of our concerns over to the care of God and make a determination to follow God’s will in our lives.