Wait For It

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.” That’s what those who have been in FA a long time often say. But I wondered, what will that look like for me?

Will the miracle be getting the high-paying job before age 30? Is it getting married to the hot guy with the two-story house and nice car, becoming Ms. Popular, or being well-liked by all those around me? Any of those would certainly be a miracle for this insecure, fearful, and 230-pound food addict.

Yet the miracle has been staying abstinent, one day at a time, for over a year now. And that’s how it all begins, by putting the food down, weighing and measuring three meals a day, and eating nothing in between. Being honest at the kitchen scale has allowed me to practice rigorous honesty in all other aspects of my life, and before I knew it, I started to respect myself. I became more patient, kind, and loving.

More importantly, FA has allowed me to find out who I am. I am not the scared, immature, angry girl who walked into these rooms. Today, all thanks to this program, I am a confident ballroom dancer, a loving daughter and sister, a compassionate colleague, and a child of God. I am not better or worse off than anyone else. Today, I know I am one among many, and with that comes humility and freedom from perfection. I no longer have to try so hard; I can unclench my fists and be myself.

I’m learning to meet people where they are and not try to fix them. I leave the “fixing” up to God now. I have compassion towards other addicts in my family who don’t have a program, and know that all I can do is be a powerful example. Giving someone the FA food plan is not the right solution, because I’d be cheating them of the opportunity to experience the spiritual aspect of the program.

FA is a Twelve-Step spiritual program that has given me a life second to none, and I pray that I remain honest, open-minded, and willing to keep showing up for my recovery, one abstinent day at a time. I work this program like my life depends on it, because it does. I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for me.