Year of Learning

I’d been in FA for seven years when I decided to return to higher education. I had completed my undergraduate studies at age 22, and now, in my fifties, decided to go for a post-graduate certificate to increase my professional capabilities. Having been in FA, I was well aware of the time and effort it took to practice the FA way of life. What was I thinking?

First of all, how would I find time to do my coursework in addition to my committed FA meetings, telephone calls, daily meditation, food prep, and more? Oh, and did I mention I had a full-time job? What about family and friends? My fear of not being able to pull this off was huge. But here’s the thing: I knew that cutting back on my FA program was not an option. Something else had to give.

I figured I’d need at least 10 hours a week to listen to online lectures and do assigned homework. So, I arranged to cut several hours a week from my work schedule. And sometimes I needed to spend less time on leisure activities, which was difficult for this food addict who never wanted to miss out on having fun and relaxing! I definitely credit FA for teaching me to honor my commitments, and I applied this principle to my studies.

Secondly, I had immense fear that my middle-aged brain would not be able to cope with the volume of learning. In my previous life as a young undergraduate (and non-recovering food addict), I would spend excessive hours studying, driven by perfectionism to go for up to 14 hours a day so I could ace my exams. I would obsessively review my notes until I had every detail memorized.

Anything less than scoring 100% meant failure to me. These study binges were fueled by large quantities of flour, sugar, and caffeinated beverages. Self-determination and pride filled in the gaps.

Today, thanks to what I’ve learned and practiced in FA, my approach to studying is completely different. I begin by getting on my knees and praying to my Higher Power to help me sit still and concentrate. I ask God to help me remember the information I need to know. Sometimes I get frustrated by my limitations using the computer. So, I pick up the telephone and call my FA fellows to ask for help. I’ve gained critical new computer skills this way, learning how to access greater knowledge online and how to submit papers. Spiritually, asking for help has given me a humility I’d never known before. And humility has yielded another miracle: the willingness to exercise patience in practicing these new skills as a mature woman.

Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was that I could effectively do all my studies (and face my fears) without turning to addictive eating. How? By replacing the food with a connection to my Higher Power.

Six months into the course, I sat for my first written exam. Not passing would mean I’d have to leave the course. I had prepared diligently with defined, pre-set study periods to review my material. I also prepared spiritually by taking extra meditation time in the days leading up to the exam. The night before the exam, I attended my committed FA meeting instead of “cramming” for a few more hours. I remembered phone connections with FA fellows who invited me to trust that I had prepared sufficiently to pass.

On the day of the exam, I sat quietly for half an hour before entering the building and invited God to be with me. As I began to write my answers, I felt the presence of my Higher Power helping me collect my thoughts, remember what I needed to remember, and do the best I could. It wasn’t a perfect performance, but it was good enough to pass and enable me to continue with the second half of the class.

Of course, more fearful challenges still lay ahead. Namely, the final examination. In six months, I would undertake a 30-minute, face-to-face oral examination with two examiners. For years I’d avoided taking this course due to my fear of this oral exam. Again, my experience in FA served me well. Speaking at FA meetings from the front of the room gave me a great foundation.

I passed the final, received my certificate, and am now positioned to be of greater service in my profession. Before FA, as a non-recovering food addict, I had no ability to undertake tasks which required action, discipline, and commitment. Living the FA way, taking action, and practicing the daily disciplines, I’ve learned from my sponsor and fellow members to apply the gifts of recovery to other areas of my life. By taking God’s hand through this year of learning, I have grown in ways I’d once thought impossible.