06 Financial Intimacy In Marriage 08 My Kids Taught Me How To Love
Guido & Shakell ‘Doing It God’s Way’ 18 While You Wait
20 For The Love Of Cake
22
#ifellinlove Recap
EDITOR’S NOTE
HAPPY LOVE MONTH!!! February 14th could be regarded as the second best day of the year! (The first being Christmas of course). And here’s why. The day of love is where you get to plant and spread the seed of love which often brings joy to those around you. This day was/is so special to me because while everyone is probably caught up in teddy bears, cards and chocolates, I’ve learned to ditch the commercial for the authentic. Love day to me is a chance to express that word in all forms. I not only snuggle with my boo but I also share love with those around me; my coworkers, family, friends and yes even strangers. This month I want to challenge you to forget about the commercial side attached to love month and express love through an unselfish pure hearted action. That action could be the catalyst to jumpstart someone's day or save their life; so don’t take it for granted. Whether you’re “boo’d up” or not make sure to make each day this month a great one!
Check out my new book My First Love
Marriage is about two people who are in love coming together as one. While this union is mostly signified by emotional commitment, there is also the element of financial commitment. It’s true, all you need is love, but financial intimacy goes a long way in solidifying your union. By agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone, you are also implicitly agreeing to share in collective household and family expenses. This commitment is taken a notch higher when all financial matters are laid bare on the table. When a couple openly explores the intersection of love and money, they are inadvertently laying the foundation for their financial intimacy. Why is Financial Intimacy Important? If we are being entirely honest, money might not be a determining factor when getting married, but the feelings about it dictates a lot of what happens in a couple’s relationship. This is why every couple should have open “financial meetings” so as to get on the same page. Sure, these conversations can be very difficult- with the occasional squirm- in the beginning, but they are necessary. Here are some of the reasons why financial intimacy in a marriage is very important: People handle money differently, therefore, in order to avoid recurrent disagreements, financial intimacy ensures that both parties know their spouse’s financial patterns. Financial intimacy enables you and your partner to create couple financial goals i.e. saving for that trip to the UK or cruises. When there are open channels of communication when talking about finances, it is easier to make financial decisions that affect the family as a whole i.e. If you know each other’s salary, you can make an educated decision on where you
By Nathaniel Butler, CFP www.drewbersolutions.com
would want to buy a house or which caliber of schools are within your price range.
Laying the Foundation for Financial Intimacy Whether you are newly-weds or a seasoned married couple, ensuring that you have shared financial goals is a surefire way to safeguard your family’s fiscal peace of mind. As you embark on the journey to build a strong foundation for your lasting financial intimacy, here are a couple questions you ought to discuss with your partner:
Guidelines for Forming Financial Intimacy These few guidelines are designed to help you create a strong foundation for your financial intimacy: •
Transparency is the only way your financial intimacy will be built to last.
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Make a conscious effort to understand and respect your partner’s values and beliefs about money.
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Implement financial objectives that are well defined and distinct.
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Practice listening without passing any judgment.
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If required, be open to the idea of receiving outside help from a financial manager or advisor.
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Discover a method of combining your financial abilities.
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Create money management strategies that work for both of you.
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Come up with well thought out action plan to solve financial issues.
How compatible are our money mindsets? Without even knowing it, we all enter relationships with individual financial identities and our own set of beliefs surrounding money, debt, and wealth. This is why it is important to uncover the compatibility of your money mindsets. The process of answering this question will help shed some light on what you both think about money and how you can find common ground if at all your mindsets differ. How often should we have ‘money meetings’? Walking on eggshells around the topic of money is just a recipe for disaster. So instead of avoiding the topic, schedule short monthly meetings with your partner. During these meetings, you can discuss your family’s yearly saving goals, upcoming life events, any financial challenges, and how much money each partner can spend without any guilt, approval or consensus. Throughout your marriage, you are likely to encounter some financial realities like layoffs, medical bills, and windfalls. These meetings will create a platform where you can face these realities head on and formulate a way forward. How should we handle bills? Each couple ought to figure out a cost-sharing plan that best fits them. Whether it is opening a joint account for bills and expenditures or dividing bills by percentage of income, you need to come up with a system that fits your relationship’s dynamic and each other’s pockets.
Marriage can be all lovey-dovey and rainbows and sunshine, but there are also serious parts of the journey that need to be faced head-on. One of these things is money matters, and financial intimacy makes this confrontation easier and more worthwhile. Think of it this way, when your relationship crossed over into the emotional or sexual intimacy threshold, there was a new level of trust and understanding in your relationship. The same applies to financial intimacy in a marriage.
I thought I had love figured all out, I mean my firstborn came into my life at the age of 18 and I instantly fell in love with him. I never understood how one could love a human being as much as I love my 3 kids but little did I know I still had not yet realized the true meaning of love. In preparation for this article I asked my 11 year old what did love mean to her and she said Love me to me is when God loves us in spite of what we do or say and it was in that moment that my 11 year old taught me the true meaning of love. I thought I had shown them love by making sure their needs were met and by giving them the things they wanted but she clearly told me in our conversation when her dad and I punish her she thinks we don’t love her. But she knew God loved her in spite of.
It clearly states the way we ought to love others according to the word of God. This is the way we ought to teach our children and others how to love. This is the way our heavenly father loves us. There is no love better displayed, demonstrated or spoken of than the words in this chapter of the bible. Here are three ways we can teach our kids how to love based on 1 Corinthians 13:
1. Love is unconditional- as parents sometimes we overcompensate with material things and call that love.
2. Love is patient- Think about a time when
Hebrews 12:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
God was trying to teach you a lesson, I mean He spelt it out clear as day for you and yet somehow you question the way he was teaching you. The father remained patient with you and I'm sure He didn't stop until you understood the lesson. In the same vain I believe as parents we need to be more patient with our children.
6 For whom the Lord loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.”
3. Love, loves beyond our mistakes- I think
From that moment on I vowed to love them God’s way not saying God doesn’t discipline us when we fall, because I had to explain to her as well that God does discipline’s us if we sin.
A scripture I go to for reference is 1 Corinthians 13:3-8 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body [a] to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
about the times I messed up in the sight of God, He could have given up on me and said ‘this girl just plain right disregarding my grace towards her’ but He didn't! He loved me beyond my mistakes and that is love.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not [b] puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, [c] thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
When we display love in front of our kids, I think it is then that they will grasp the concept to love in spite of. Love is an action word, you can tell me you love me all day but your actions will show me if you really do. We must teach our children to love beyond feelings, love beyond circumstances and love beyond conditions.
DATING, COURTI In a world of Facebook, Snapchat and the ever so complex world of online dating, it can be very difficult for a millennial to navigate the scene of dating to emerge on the other side that is beautiful marital bliss. These issues are only exacerbated for the Christian millennial who wants to find someone that shares their values of purity, prayer and doing it Gods way. Well for Guido and Shakell they’ve successfully charted this course and in our candid interview with the newly weds they share advice, from their journey, on how other Christian millennials can do the same.
I NG & MARRIAGE
Doing It God’s Way
We asked Guido, From a male perspective how should you go about pursing a female? Here’s his response.
Dating from a male’s perspective Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV) He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.
I believe that one of the most misunderstood or rather
complicated things to understand is dating from a male’s perspective. This is because of the stereotypical norms that most men are classified by. It forges a false burden and expectation that men should date as many women as possible and then he’ll truly know what he wants after countless unhealthy relationships and failed attempts. The reality of it is that one cannot truly engage in a healthy and godly relationship without first building a healthy relationship with God. Personally, This is when it all changed for me. As a Christian teenager with so much peer pressure I was pursing relationships built from lust. It was to be seen as macho and it was peer approval driven. There was a major conflict because I had yet to discover myself and who God called and purposed me to be. Of course these mistakes were building blocks. The older I became the more I realized that I desired sex more than a godly relationship. After my third failed relationship, in my freshman year of college, I vowed to God that I would never date again until He speaks to me. I didn’t think He would keep me waiting for 9 years. Fighting to maintain purity is a battle only won through
Christ Jesus and a surrendered will. The eyes are the lamp of the body. We are visual humans and what I have learned is when we train the eyes we are better able to tame the flesh. I know as men we tend to pretend that we have all of the answers because we want to be considered strong. True strength comes with finding your identity in Christ Jesus. Nine years later and a few counterfeits prior here is what I would advise any male who really needs clarity on waiting and dating. (Everyone is different, but principal is golden) Seek God with your whole heart - Cliche but to truly seek God is to find Him in the most vulnerable and lonely places. Surround yourself with accountability. People who are not just loyal to you but loyal to God first. You need someone to talk to when you are waiting and struggling and dating and tempted. This is also important when you are dating. Strengthen the friendship - If you are dating someone become friends. Friendship saves you from unrealistic expectations. Select the nearest exit- God makes a way of escape. When you find yourself tempted and tried with anyone of the opposite sex you may find interest in, RUN. It will save you some regret. Structure your life according to God’s word - Make sure your foundation is firm. This is the time to build character and integrity. A woman or marriage doesn’t bring about change. You be the person you expect.
Set Goals - Personal Goals, Spiritual Goals, Financial Goals. Prepare to be a steward over the blessing God will bring. It will teach you responsibility. Standards are important when you are seeking your mate. If you are a godly man seek a godly spouse. God never leads us astray. You can never make someone love the God you love and serve. Being equally yoked is more than just being with someone who is saved. Ensure that this is someone that would honor you and respect you. Don’t expect wifely duties or responses from someone you are dating. See- Open your eyes for the signs. Know what you can work through together and what is a deal breaker. A journey with someone doesn’t entitle you to marriage. Secure the bag - When you know it’s God, and you have the approval of trusted spiritual guidance. Do it God’s way. Talk to her dad, mom and Pastor. Let them know your intentions. You may not get the approval of everyone, but good character reminds you of the duty and commitment.
We asked Shakell, how did you prepare for dating?
Wrapped up in God... The way I prepared for dating was by not preparing at all. I know that may sound strange but Guido found me at a time when I wasn’t looking to be found. A few days before our paths crossed I told God that I didn’t want to be in a relationship, any time soon. I clearly expressed to God my desire to seek after Him and to be surrendered to Him on a deeper level. So when Guido found me I was like God, seriously? But the first time we spoke, I literally knew that he was my husband. Everything I had prayed to God for years prior, to find in my husband, were qualities that he possessed and more. Like all of them. Now here’s the thing, he was everything I prayed for and needed not just a fairytale list that I wanted. What I wanted is what led to the same old failing relationships. But when Guido came into my life I knew he was way more than just what I wanted, but he was who God wanted for me. So I would say the best way to prepare to be found is not to focus solely on being found. Be busy about the Father’s business, for real. When waiting on God, we should be serving God because He has and knows exactly what we need. While preparing, keep your mind open to God’s best and your spirit open for God’s voice.
Courting is the stage in your relationship where you’ve already made up in your mind and heart that this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You may not have the ring yet but you are certain that is where this relationship will end. Now for many this is a very tempting stage because by now you’ve grown very fond of each other and that level of comfort can be dangerous. We asked Guido and Shakell for advice on how couples can ensure purity in their relationship when courting.
Both of us being Christians, purity during our courtship was something that we took very seriously. When we began courting, we were both living on separate islands so our entire courtship was practically long distance. The only time we would see each other was if either one of us caught a flight. We can speak only from our experience of maintaining purity in our long distance relationship.
1. The God factor: when we met we were both virgins who had the desire to save ourselves for marriage for the one God had set aside for us. So in everything we did there was a God conscience. We really didn’t want to disappoint Him. Before we became official and throughout our entire relationship we set aside time for prayer and fasting to ensure that we were hearing the voice of God concerning our future. It was also to keep our flesh under subjection.
2. Length of trips: we didn’t visit for longer than a weekend. There were no extended stays that would cause us to get too comfortable or too familiar.
3. Accountability: during our visits, when we had down time we put ourselves in the company of others. Being in the company of mature believers who would give wise counsel was a great deterrent. It left no room to find ourselves otherwise engaged.
4. Avoiding late night conversations: being in a long distance relationship helps a lot with maintaining physical purity, but the mind is a powerful thing. The Bible says as a man thinks so is he. So we had to put boundaries on where we allowed our minds to travel as well. While fighting to keep your relationship pure, late night is NOT your friend! Greatest temptations show their head at night time. Those are a few precautions we took to maintain a pure courtship. Of course it was more easy said than done. When you are with someone who you know that God has purposed for you, the fight is even greater. The devil will try to get you to compromise by saying: well that’s already your husband/wife, so you might as well go ahead and give in, no need to wait for a wedding. We are a testimony that, with God, you can overcome temptation!
One year and a few months later and
MARR
we love each other more than the day we said “I do”. It has been great! Before getting married, there were so many people that told us that the first year of marriage is the worst and if you can over come that then you will make it. We thought to ourselves, “That’s the worst?”
Now while it is true that being married you have to learn to live with someone else in your space all the time, to us, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. We strongly believe that with the Holy Spirit and the foundation we established during our courtship allowed our first year to be as smooth as it was. Yes we have had some disagreements but the end result was and is always reconciliation with apologies and prayer. We always say, without God our marriage can’t work. During our courtship we first established a friendship. When you may not feel ‘lovey dovey’ your friendship is what will keep the marriage. Before anything else, we were friends and to this day we are still open about everything and we love to laugh. We were also our most vulnerable, during our courtship, with stating our expectations of our spouse in marriage, what we like and dislike and what we can and can’t live with. We did that to understand the other’s perspective and to compromise where necessary. Having those basics in mind helped to shape how we treated each other everyday. We had a general idea of what reasonable things the other person didn’t like, so we tried to avoid doing those things and tried to do more of what they like. COMPROMISE is a big deal in marriage. No one’s opinion or feelings is less valuable than the other and most of the time it will be someone’s time to compromise.
RIAGE
Our advice to those who are : - Waiting - This time may be painful but in the end will prove purposeful. Waiting on God will save you from an unnecessary broken heart and broken dreams. As you wait on the Lord, wait also in the Lord. He is faithful! Keep your spiritual eyes and ears inclined to Him. - Courtship (dating) - Though dating and courtship may be used interchangeably, we believe that courtship is God’s blueprint for choosing a godly spouse. The goal of dating, we believe, is trial and error (seeing how it goes). Courtship on the other hand has an end goal of marriage. When courting, don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions. In those responses is where you will be able to determine what you and your partner may need to adjust or eliminate. Also, learn as much about your partner as you can. Having this knowledge before marriage helps for a smoother transition from being a couple to being a married couple. And finally, do not neglect wise counsel. You don’t know it all! Having godly outside assistance is just what you need because they can sometimes see what Love hides and somethings they just know from experience.
flict, and builds friendships and his family.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with God.” - Proverbs 18:22
Ok what if I change the whole first sentence? You see, I have seen how this scripture has been interpreted by many believers to be the ultimate pursuit of life and success. Finding a wife! After all, is a good thing and you will obtain favor with God. However, the question that lingers in my mind is how do you obtain favor with a person you barely know. Most will argue that even God said, at the creation of man, “it is not good for man to belong alone”. But one key fact that we often overlook is that the first thing that God did after making this statement was not to create the woman. Rather the Bible says that God’s first response was that He formed the animals of the earth and the birds of the air and brought them to Adam to observe what He would call them. Prior to this moment God was intentional with giving Adam a specific responsibility. He had a responsibility to cultivate the garden. But equally as important, he was now given the duty of naming all the creatures in the garden. And I believe it was in this moment that Adam learned to accurately assess and identify the type of relationships around him and how he would relate to them within the garden. Women usually find themselves frustrated in marriages because they end up connecting with men who want a helpmate; but have no plan or vision for them to help with. Women need to be given resources so they can thrive. Give them seed they will give you a baby, give a house they give you a home, give them frustration they give you hell! As a man, while you are waiting, you should be identifying the resources that are available to you and labeling the various areas in your life so that when you bring in a wife you know what it is you are giving her. In the phase of singleness, the man also learns to have dominion over his possessions. One of the primary responsibilities of having dominion is stewardship. How a man manages his possessions will determine how he will steward over the marriage. What’s in his possession is not limited to his material possessions but also how he manages his emotions, handles crisis and con-
In the case of the woman, I believe that the waiting process should include a period of getting to know who she is in God. Even though Adam was the one who made the declaration of who she was to him, for there to be agreement between them, it would have required that Eve also be fully aware of who she is. It is important to know that she had an identity before she was given a title. In that brief moment of being formed in the hands of God, Adam slept, and she was able to identify with her creator before she would be identified by Adam. I’ve seen so many instances where a woman defines her identity based on her role in the relationship. However, her identity should be the factor that determines her role and who she chooses to function with. I believe that it was because Eve knew who she was and where she came from that she was able to accept Adam’s statement concerning her. Otherwise, any of the other creatures in the garden, including the serpent, could have come and told her the same statement and she would have connected herself with them not understanding that she is of a different kind. Some women wait to enter relationships hoping to be a help meet only to be made subject to a mismanaged or incomplete vision of a man. And their identity is defined by the dysfunction of that relationship. It is in the process of waiting that a woman should allow God to shape her in the confines of His presence, so that she can obtain the identity God intended for her to have in Him. This way, when she is approached by a man she will be more adequately prepared to discern if his vision is the one that God has chosen to align her with for the sake of their destiny. A marriage should never be founded upon a ‘now’ feeling. People should choose to join together based on where they are going. But this will always be difficult for a person to accurately discern where they are going in a marriage, if they have not taken the time to let God define their identity and direction as an individual. Instead of waiting for the one (who God has for you), let’s wait on THE ONE (who is God)! Only God has the power to prepare you and form you in ways that no other relationship ever will. Choose to find God, He will show you who you are. Then, finding the right one to fit you won’t be as hard.
For the love of
CAKE
The month of February is universally known as the month of Love! I LOVE me some sweet stuff, especially some cake. I mean like really love some cake! Like if chocolate cake was a man I would probably be married to him and that is not an exaggeration about how much I love chocolate cake. I have found that sweets are a major problem for some people. They have the pringles effect when it comes to cakes, once you pop you can’t stop. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really help you on your quest to lose weight. Well I know that you are probably expecting me to tell you that you should stop eating sweets so that you could progress on your weight loss journey but, I am not going to say that. What I am going to say however, is that moderation is key. If you know you would normally have a gargantuan (fancy word for large) serving of sweets, CUT IT DOWN! Eat less! If you would normally eat a bar of chocolate, eat only a half. As you make small changes you may get to the point where you cut it out completely but by slowly cutting back you won’t have the withdrawal effects of quitting cold turkey. Well that’s it for this edition of the Year to Lose the Weight! Here are my plans for the next 4 weeks:
Week 5: Do some form of physical activity for 30 minutes 4x’s a week. Week 6: Plan meals for the entire week. Week 7: Cook all meals at home. Week 8: Reduce added sugar by 50% We are well on our way in our year to lose the weight and we are going to crush our goals. If you’ve fallen off the bandwagon already it’s ok, today is a GREAT day to get back on track. Start with your next meal. Make sure that you tune into the March edition of Faith Over Fear Magazine for our next update!! And do check out my blogs and YouTube channel.
Starting Weight: 275lbs Current Weight: 268lbs Goal Weight: 150lbs Social Media Platforms: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JustGiaD/ Fitness Ig: https://www.instagram.com/justgiad/ Website: giademeritte.com
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