why can t i be lost by robert pordea

t i be lost

If there was ever a time to run, this was it. There’s nothing to do, and there’s nothing to fix. You can’t repair something that no longer exists. So sometimes you just have to run. Even if you don’t know where to go. Go somewhere you know or go get lost. It’ll be better than where you are.

If life is short, then when does it start feeling that way. Every day is like a decade and I just want to stop. I want to leave and get lost. After what happens after I got hurt. After I hurt her. It was just a sad situation. No matter how you look at it, it’s a situation worth getting lost for. I mean it’s a situation worth disappearing for. Starting new would be easier than fixing it now. So what’s the point in staying here. If she can’t handle it and I can’t handle it, then how can anyone? So it’s time to get lost. More lost than I already. With nothing, I have to get lost.

The sad thing is I always was lost. Lost in a sense of what’s going around me. What I was doing. What anyone was doing. So maybe in getting lost, and that is lost in the traditional place, I’ll fit my part. I’ll just be a confused and a lost person in a place where everyone is lost too, but this time I’ll know I don’t have to hide it. The thing is being lost isn’t bad. Thinking that you aren’t lost when you are is. You’ll wander around aimlessly thinking that you’re being proactive when, truly, you’re just breaking things that you think need fixing.

The sad thing is, I can’t wait to be lost. I can’t wait to know everyone knows I’m lost. That I’m simply not there, but they know I’m working on it. Even if they’re a stranger. Even if they see me making progress. I hate that I can’t just be lost with no one thinking that I shouldn’t be. I hate that I’m not allowed to be lost. If there was ever a time for me to be lost it should be now. I’ve lost everything. I lost her, I lost my motivation, I lost my passion. So why can’t I go searching for it without being judged. It’s a sad thing to not be able to be lost.

The worst thing is, is that I don’t remember what happened. Life was good. My job was good. I was in love with the love of my life. My family was loving and caring and if there was a perfect family it would’ve been mine. So what happened? I happened. I knew I was lost and I didn’t want to admit. I didn’t think I was allowed to be. And If there was was a person that was lost, I was a prime example of one.

I lost my job. That was the first piece of my life that fell apart. My performance staggered. Not to the point where I would completely lose my job, but the company was laying people off, and I entered a slump at the worst time possible. It wasn’t that I was a bad worker. It’s just that I wasn’t good enough.

The second part was my family. My parents were getting a divorce and in their wake they left two of my younger brothers. Both lived at home and the eldest still had two years of high school left. The worst thing of all, is that they wanted me to choose sides. Two people who once loved each other, and I loved both equally, wanted me to pick between the two. They fought over their children. They fought over us like property.

The last was her. She was perfect. Nothing could’ve been more perfect in my life, than her. She was loving, encouraging, and supporting. Even with all the crap that was going on, she was supporting. She loved me though I was failing. At first I tried to get back on my feet. I was looking for jobs, trying to keep my relationship with my parents, and I tried to console my brothers as best I could. But as things didn’t change and the light dwindled, so did I. I started to lack effort in everything. Yet she was still there.

She was perfect, but a person could only take so much. As I lacked effort she started to put more in. It became a one-way street. One day I finally asked why she was doing it all. Why she always tried. Why she cared. Was it love or was it pity. That hurt. I mean how could it not? After that she just left. She couldn’t take it anymore, and I don’t blame her.

If there was something that I wish I could do, it would be to find where I am, and where I’m going. However I can’t find that without working to find it. So why won’t anyone let me. Why am I not allowed to be lost with no sense of direction, because eventually I’ll figure it out. I’ll know where the road I need to take is and I’ll know that getting lost is going to be a hard thing to do. So, why can’t I just be lost.