Fish Fingers and Custard - Doctor Who Fanzine - Issue 7 by Daniel Gee

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

Accentuate The Positive! In the absence of anything controversial this time around (well apart from some tit at the Daily Mirror taking a pop at Alex Kingston, but we’ll gloss over that!) I’m going to be doing something different with this editorial. I’m not going to moan about anything! “WHY!” I hear you ask. Well, there’s just nothing to moan about. Last time round Doctor Who was not on the telly and was being battered by idle gossip and inexperienced people trying to make an impression. A couple of months later, the show is back, viewing figures are on the up, Matt and Karen are winning awards and the episodes have been solid and decent.

given a keyboard to bash at. We live in an age where we are blessed with being able to obtain information, skills, contacts, specialist adult videos from Eastern Europe – ANYTHING we want. Yet people just seem to want to use it for negative things – let’s do something positive with it instead!

Obviously there are going to be those that won’t agree on the quality of the episodes, but that’s Doctor Who fans for you! The Internet fandom is shite and brilliant in equal measures, some of you who don’t frequent it must be wondering what the hell I’m on about half the time! But we’ve all got opinions, which is why fanzines like this are important to broadcast those views and as long as they presented in a calm and tidy way (with not many spelling erors) it shouldn’t matter if those views are either positive or negative. Although using Twitter and choice swear words to abuse and threaten Steven Moffat isn’t called for…but I’m trying to positive and not moaning here! It always amazes me though, why people decide to turn into idiots when

Whether or not you’re negative towards the current series, I’m sure you would want Doctor Who to carry on and improve. The fact is that it’s never been as popular, anywhere in the world, as it is now. Now there’s your positive.

So the next time you read an angry online story about Doctor Who, its actors or producers. Just ignore it. It’s only a story – don’t take it seriously and get angry at the very people trying to do something different, something new with the program!

We’ll be back in November, so if you nd want to review the 2 half of the series for us, or want to write about anything in the Doctor Who Universe that takes your fancy - don’t hesitate to get in touch. They don’t have to be positive articles either…as long as you word it well! Cheers Danny

This Issue was brought to you by the following Time Lords/Ladies/Drunkards:

Editor: Daniel Gee Contributors: Andrew Myers, Stuart Beaton, Francis Cave, Sara Dixon, Andrew Fairbrass, William Forbes, Steve Hatcher, Steve James, Barrington Normal, Arthur Orse and Harry Sedgewick Back Cover Art: Sara Dixon Email: fishcustardfanzine@googlemail.com

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Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

The Story So Far… Doctor Who has kicked off again - and by the time you’re reading this it may have already ended! At the time of writing, we’re at the back-end of the series, with Closing Time up next. I’ll gloss over any ‘back end of James Corden’ cracks, as I can’t think of any...so instead here’s our view of the episodes to date. (If you’re interested in reviewing the second half of the series as a whole for Issue 8, get in touch with us!)

Let’s Kill Hitler A decent start, as we learn the story behind Melody Pond and how she turned into River Song. Oh and Hitler is punched by Rory and shoved in a cupboard. Despite the majority of episode being enjoyable, I can’t help to shake off the feeling that the idea of the Teselecta was a bit silly. You are not in a great place when you start ripping off The Numbskulls from The Beano. It would have served better if the Teselecta was an advanced robot ‘sent from the future’, like The Terminator, or Jude Law. Alex Kingston was utterly insane as the newly-regenerated Melody Pond. I’ll leave you to decide if she was good. I thought she was great personally, bit of a shame we probably won’t see any ‘Evil River’ again though. Good one-liners too. Night Terrors An episode designed to scare the kids, but was about as scary as Bruce Forsyth's wig (which IS scary, to be fair – Ed). I don’t know what it is with Mark Gatiss’ scripts, he seems to want to reference as many creepy horror elements as possible, instead of concentrating on the actual story. For a great writer, his strike rate of ‘1 great episode from 4’ is a bit worrying. You don’t have to know much about writing to know that The Idiots Lantern, Victory of the Daleks and now this, doesn’t come anywhere near his work on The Unquiet Dead. Come on Mark, less of horror stuff (I heard this episode described as ‘the scariest ever’…honestly!), do something different with your episodes, not many people get the chance to pen one, you know!

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Despite all this, Night Terrors was a decent enough effort, but why on earth Gatiss decided to rewrite Fear Her, is beyond me. To be fair though, this was executed much better than Fear Her (with the help of a better cast and more budget) but was as easy to work out as an episode of Murder She Wrote. Who said Doctor Who was complicated? The Girl Who Waited Amy is left waiting (like every other ex-Doctor Who companion, who waits for a new TV role that will never come) as she is trapped in quarantine after The Doctor lands on a planet that has been ravaged by plague. She returns, older and very scorned. So pretty much like every woman of a certain age then… It’s a beautifully written script that puts a slightly different slant on the ‘timey-wimey’ aspect in Doctor Who. It’s been done countless times before, but not in this particular style. It’s a small cast, but the way in which the episode is shot makes it look big budget. Tom MacRae and Nick Hurran deserve great credit for this episode. This is also a masterpiece of acting by all involved, Karen is getting all the plaudits, but Arthur (not for the first time) is proving why, amongst the fan community, he’s most people’s favourite. He seems to be able to connect with the everyman, his actions and facial reactions pull you into the story and make it realistic as possible. Which is ridiculous, if you consider the plot and the no-eyed robots bumbling around. Great acting, superb writing, wonderful direction. What more do you want? The God Complex Very odd episode that sees the TARDIS crew trapped in a hotel that has a nightmare in each room (like every B+B in London). People are being stalked by a killer, but who (or what) is it? It isn’t David Walliams, as played by Gibbis the alien. Although, he should be locked away for eating that poor goldfish. And not doing any acting at all. I wasn’t sure if I enjoying this at first. On the rewatch, I did enjoy it but I can see it as a Marmite/Harry Sedgewick episode with some people. The bit at the end with The Doctor dropping off Amy and Rory was pure class though – you could see the upset and self loathing in Matt Smith’s face. He’s the best actor to play The Doctor, there I’ve said it! Toby Whithouse delivers a script that may (or may not) have been ripped off from one of his own Being Human episodes (and included a cousin of the Nimon!) but it’s still pretty good. Looking forward to seeing what’s next. Even if it does contain James Corden’s arse. Art by Sara Dixon

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What Doctor Who Actually Means To Kids… children who I sold ice creams to about the imminent broadcast and it was lovely to see how excited they, in turn, were. I do have to say a lot of Dads were extremely giddy too, but mostly the kids. What was the new Doctor going to be like? He’s awfully young, is he going to be any good? What is he going to be like against the Daleks? These were questions the children were asking me and I was asking them. It remains one of my favourite days in that job.

To us adults, the world of Doctor Who can be a complex and confusing place with arguments and discussion revolving around canonicity, plot holes, and the merits of different eras against the pitfalls of others. To kids though it is something different. To children it is 45 minutes where they are thrilled and scared and forced to hide behind the sofa. It is discussions on the playground, bedtime stories, and hastily arranged reacting of scenes on the school field. In my job as a teaching assistant, I have been lucky enough, over the years, to hear the thoughts and feelings of different children regarding the show. And I say can one thing for certain: their imaginations know no bound.

Later on in the summer I got the ice cream job again on the day after The Pandorica Opens and I was up to my same old tricks. Quite a few children were upset at the Doctor being forced into the Pandorica. Even more were on tenterhooks, dizzy at the prospect of having to wait another week to find out. One little girl was really upset for one character though as she told me she “really hoped that Amy wasn’t dead”. Baring in mind the fan backlash surrounding Amy’s frost characterisation during series 5, I was a little surprised that children had taken her into their hearts so readily. When I asked her if she liked Amy, the girl told me “yeah. She’s pretty.” As she walked away, ice cream in hand, I thought that that was probably the reason why most teenage boys liked Amy too.

When I was working for the National (mis)Trust, I had the job of ice cream seller on the day that The Eleventh Hour was due for broadcast and the excitement was palpable. The prospect of a new Doctor, a new TARDIS, a new assistant, and a whole new series of adventures was beginning to get to me and I could not wait to get home to watch it. Whilst I was there, I started to talk to the

So to the present and I’m now a teaching assistant doing volunteer work until my contract starts officially. The great thing about this is that I get to speak to kids of different ages every day before I am placed with my own class. During year three maths, I ended up going off topic after hearing a group of children talking about Doctor Who and the Sarah Jane Adventures. One seven year old boy told me with utter

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 conviction that K-9 was a Dalek. I laughed and told him he was wrong. However, the boy was insistent and when pushed revealed his rationale for making such a mistaken observation: K-9 shoots lasers from his nose. Brilliant! Totally wrong, of course, as everyone reading this will know, but how brilliant is the mind of a child? Daleks shoot lasers. So does K-9. Ergo K-9 = Dalek. No amount of explaining K-9’s origin, Professor Marius, Mark I and Mark II, ‘K-9 and Company’, etc. would dissuade him. To him K-9 is and always will be a Dalek. Only, a good Dalek. A good Dalek that’s shaped like a dog. One revelation which stumped me was how well Chris Chibnall’s 2010 Silurian two-parter went down with the children at my school. When I asked the kids what their favourite Doctor Who adventure was at least two boys immediately said “Hungry Earth, Hungry Earth!” Now, I personally do not count this anywhere near my top ten, but to the kids I asked it must have really struck a chord. I do not know why, but I can only guess it was the Silurians themselves which ignited their love of the episodes. Sexy lizard women with big tongues? Maybe I should reappraise the story myself! Maybe though it was all the little things they liked, such as the Doctor looking cool with sunglasses on (the kids love it when I wear my reactor lenses for school), the little Sherlock Holmes boy with his headphones on, or the graves that eat people. So for adults an

episode which may be considered below par, to kids is a dream and a delight. Sexy lizards! On the subject of Doctors, children seem to be torn between David Tennant and Matt Smith. The general consensus of the children at my school is that David Tennant is better because he’s funnier, but Matt Smith has better assistants. They were astonished when I told them there were eleven Doctors and I knew the names of every single one. Telling them I had seen every episode ever made since 1963 was a mistake as they took that upon themselves to be a personal challenge to trip me up. “Do you remember the Hungry Earth one?”, “Yep”, “Do you remember the one with the big rhino heads?”, “Yep”, “Do you remember the one with the Daleks?” “Er, let me think: yep.” It’s funny that all the episodes they decided to test me on were from a far back as the ancient series 5! So that is my brief insight into what Doctor Who means to children, or at least the children I have spoken to about it. A lovely moment recently was when the year 3 teacher I was with asked his class what they wanted to do for their end of year class treat and one boy put his hand up and said “watch Doctor Who”. I wish I was seven again. Seven: where the messageboards never tread, and K-9 is answerable to his Dalek masters.  ANDREW MYERS

FLOBBADOB A fanzine dedicated to the Doctor Who spin-off production company BBV and its many glorious works.

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Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

To Those We Didn’t Have… Many actors have been rumoured to take the role of The Doctor. Some of been downright ridiculous and are on a par with Keanu Reeves as Don John in Much Ado About Nothing or Rosie O’Donnell as Betty Rubble in The Flintstones. So instead we’re going to look at those who were approached with a view to taking over the best role in television, apart from Karen Gillan’s dress maker. Geoffrey Bayldon – Mr Bayldon was apparently offered the roles of the First AND Second Doctors, but turned them down. He would go on to have roles in Bond spoof Casino Royale and 1967 drama To Sir With Love, alongside Sidney Poitier. Most notably (at least for people in the UK, of a certain age) he played the title role in Catweazle, who was a time-travelling wizard, who had a toad called Touchwood. Hmmm. Although Geoffrey did eventually appear in Doctor Who, playing Oraganon in Creature From The Pit in 1979. Much later, he did actually get to play The Doctor on audio, in Big Finish’s Doctor Who Unbound stories Auld Moarltry and A Storm of Angels. It’s very much a case of what might have been, considering he was offered the role twice - he must have been good! Still knocking about at the age of 87, I wouldn’t put it past him being offered the role for a third time, when Matt Smith hangs up his bow tie! Hugh David – Hugh was the choice of producer Rex Tucker to play the First Doctor, but Verity Lambert vetoed the idea on the grounds that he was too young. At 38, Hugh would be probably be too old to play The Doctor today! Interestingly, he went on to direct the Patrick Troughton stories The Highlanders and Fury From The Deep. Valentine Dyall – The owner of quite possibly the best name ever (with the exception of Richard Head), is more famous for playing The Black Guardian in Doctor Who in 1979 and three more stories in 1983. However, he was actually offered the role of the Second Doctor, but turned it down because of the amount of time he would have to commit to the series. Famed for his deep brogue, Valentine was a legend on radio, famously starring as The Man In Black, which was a series of bizarre horror tales that was recently resurrected, this time narrated by Mark Gatiss, another Doctor Who alumni. One of his last roles was a part on the Doctor Who radio play Slipback, alongside Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant. Apart from his radio appearances, he also appeared in the original (sorry Bond fans, I mean the spoof of) Casino Royale, playing Dr. Noah.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Michael Bentine – Founding member of The Goons, alongside Peter Sellars, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, Michael was a huge name at the time and would have followed Jon Pertwee as a radio-comedy legend that took the role of The Doctor. Apparently talks went to an advanced stage, but he eventually turned down the role as it’s believed he wanted an input into the scripts, which the production team were against. A creative person wanting input into scripts he was working to, imagine that? Graham Crowden – Famed for his appearance in the ‘legendary’ Doctor Who serial The Horns of Nimon and the comedy series’ A Very Peculiar Practice (alongside future Doctor, Peter Davison) and Waiting For God, Graham was offered the role of The Fourth Doctor but turned it down, due that old chestnut of ‘committing to a series for too long’. Seriously, I would have thought actors would jump at the chance of being offered a couple of years of guaranteed work? Tom Baker would take the role and the rest they say is history. Bernard Cribbins – The legendary Crib was already a ‘name’ in Doctor Who when he was interviewed by the BBC about the possibility of taking over from John Pertwee in 1974. He had appeared in the second of Terry Nation’s ‘Dr. Who’ films, playing Tom Campbell in 1966 and would (much later) go on to melt everyone’s hearts playing Wilfred Mott in the revived series. Would he have made a good Doctor? Well, we wouldn’t have had Tom Baker, nor Wilfred Mott (my own personal favourite companion from the new series), so I think the right decision was made. Richard Griffiths – What would have been one of the most interesting castings in Doctor Who, Richard Griffiths almost became The Doctor on two occasions. I say almost, we only know that the production team considered him for the role of The Fifth Doctor, which went to Peter Davison. His name was to pop up again as a possible successor to Sylvester McCoy, if a series had been produced in 1990/91, but there wasn’t and Richard, fresh from chasing Paul McGann’s arse in Withnail and I, was to go on and star in Pie In The Sky and various productions for which he is well loved, including his role as Uncle Vernon in the Harry Potter films. Possible 8th Doctor – A cast 10 times the size of The Hobbit auditioned to be the 8th Doctor in the 1996 Television Movie, so listing them all would take about five years. But those amongst the auditionees were Blackadder stablemates, Rowan Atkinson and Tim McInnerny (who later appeared in Planet of the Ood), Liam Cunningham (who recently took a lead role in BBC Sci-Fi drama Outcasts), Mark

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 McGann (Paul McGann’s brother!), Robert Lindsay, Eric Idle, Nathaniel Parker, Peter Woodward, John Sessions, Anthony Head and Tony Slattery. Can you tell I took this information from Wikipedia? Hugh Grant – Let’s get the elephant out of the room right now – I’m not a huge Hugh Grant fan. He seems like a nice enough bloke and a decent deadpan actor, but I can’t stand him playing the same upper-class character in every one of his films. I can feel my arse clench when he clumsily chats up some giggly American girl who falls for his twattish nature. Would he have made a great Ninth Doctor? I don’t think he would, he isn’t anywhere near as good an actor as Eccleston. His fleeting appearance in the Steven Moffat-penned Curse of Fatal Death was close enough. Hugh would go on and turn down the role of the 9th Doctor (or in other words - he was just invited to audition for it, but he never entertained the idea) and has since admitted that he regrets it. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I’d rather my Doctor’s appeal to everyone, not just to posh idealists and Americans who think they know what the ‘ideal English Gentleman’ is. Benedict Cumberbatch – The owner of the second-best name ever and son of Wanda Ventham (she was in Time and The Rani, don’t you know!) is currently playing Sherlock Holmes in Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ Sherlock. It’s believed that he was offered the role of the Eleventh Doctor (or at least the chance to talk about it) but turned it down, due to the sheer baggage that comes with the show these days. Fair play to him for having the balls to turn down such a big role and for doing what he wants - and he is quite good in Sherlock too! Would have a made a good Doctor though… Robert Carlyle – Now this is a bit cheeky, as we don’t actually know that he was in contact with anyone from the BBC. The only evidence that I’ve seen is a few websites and news reports (rumours, basically) about the BBC making contact with him, to talk about the role. I think he is in that small club of current ‘big name’ actors that would be able to pull it off. His versatility is there for all to see and he seems to produce his best work when he doesn’t have a lot to act against. With Doctor Who produced on the anorexic shoestring it is, he would have been the ideal leading man. He did go on and sign on to appear in Stargate Universe, which was cancelled after 2 series’. I very much doubt that we’ll ever see another ‘big name’ actor cast as The Doctor, but Carlyle would have been a good move  BARRINGTON NORMAL

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Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

All We Need Is A Miracle… Torchwood: Miracle Day - Reviewed

The latest series of Torchwood (or ‘Crotchwood’ dependent on how liberal your views are) finished last night. Immediately I posted on Facebook my enjoyment at this wholehearted series overall and graphically powerful series finale. Some agreed with me & some, of course, did not. My concerns were that the Brickbats were being aimed more at Russell T Davies individually, rather than the quality of the show overall. A lot of people even seemed to have had issues following the series stating it was both completely disjointed & patchy and "What exactly had happened" Well maybe it's just me but I found the linear style of the show both easy to follow and as for what happened…Well how about this: Ok so we had a load if soap opera(y) character development stuff to illustrate the power of loss and make us fear the eternity of immortality results of the

miracle and surprisingly appreciate the worth of death and the peace it can bring to Category One’s RTD did his anchoring it to normality "thing" by the usage of Esther’s sister & Gwen’s father therefore imbuing the characters with cause and a reason to fight. Demonstrating strength of purpose and human spirit. He flipped Jacks "power" and let’s be honest - mortal Jack is an interesting concept and the reasons for the "Flip" was threaded throughout the series with Red Herrings and illustrated with a depth of backstory often ignored in Sci-Fi standalone episodic format shows. RTD ridiculed religious evangelism (daring to say the least, on a US TV Show) by demonising, then canonising, Oswald Danes (Bill Pullman for lots of awards please) and even offered a form of partial redemption for the character without belittling the tragic effects of his terrible crime.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Admittedly RTD loves to resurrect his Queer As Folk shock tactics as often as he can and in his own way, Jack was more devastatingly shocking a sexual character in this show as his liberal trisexisual nature (he'll try anything or anyone) was in the understandably more toned down world of Doctor Who. The show used well recognised means of terror in the form of suicide bombers etc to illustrate the devotion of the families followers and portrayed the world as it is now, fragile, in both economic and humanitarian terms. It achieved this by showing how uncaring political institutions can be, even our supposedly "safe & cosy" familiar Western Civilisations making the populace think carefully about who you elect & what powers you ultimately endow them with over your life/ death or lack of.

As profiteers they engineer a corporate way to make a shed load if cash from said scheme. Jack and some very traditional and tragic Torchwood sacrifices then reverse the effect in a fantastically filmed standoff. The inspired twist of Rex being the Carrier really did catch me unawares and have me silently applauding RTD's creative capabilities. The Maguffin (the Blessing) is left open for further development and a (totally) unexpected new immortal arise at the end of the show in a very effective & satisfying series 5 setting cliffhanger . Throw in a load of references to the Doctor, Unit, Silurians plus nods to Ianto and past Torchwood members that didn't and couldn't - alienate any new viewers what's not to love? As the Mutant Meerkats of Rigel14 say "It's Seemples" ...

As for what it was about. .. Well... A creature/ being / entity as old as time was found by a politically and economically powerful group of wealthy individuals (a la Murdoch etc) and sought to utilise it for their own ends.

When you look at the truly impressive performances of a toned down Barrowman, a truly Hard as nails Eve, plus brilliance in every shot from well fleshed our characters as Jilly and Oswald, plus Great CGI and globe trotting Bond-like destinations, I think it's elevated Torchwood as a show on every level. Now what exactly is missing from that and how much more could we have asked for? ď&#x201A;ˇ ANDREW FAIRBRASS

I'm really not sure what to do. I don't really Decades of scientific experimentation lead them to establish it's effects on the populace of the world.

know how to start this. ('Will,' I can hear you saying, 'tell us something that isn't what you're normally like.')

By serendipitous means they stumble across an immortal whose blood can bring about a flip in the human DNA as ably demonstrated.

The problem is that, overall I enjoyed Miracle Day. There is a lot to recommend for it. But, and it is a big but (think J-Loâ&#x20AC;Ś),

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 I have a problem with it. And it's in the execution. Start with the good, I think. The premise of the show, no-one dies, was brilliant. Kudos have to go out in particular for pointing out that this isn't actually the good thing everyone thinks it would be. The stress it would put on society and on the economy was nicely done. I particularly loved Vera's line about the role of doctors having changed. Of course Jack can now die. For every reaction and all that. This does cause a slight problem, given that I'm not too sure that the blessing could reverse the whole fixed point in time thing, but I'll go with it. The reversal, with Jack having to be careful and Gwen not so much, was interesting to watch. Some of the set pieces were stunning. Can you imagine the look on the local Council’s face when asked for permission to film a helicopter chase, complete with rocket launcher, on a beach in Wales? The budget was obviously bigger and was for the most part spent well. The writing was, on the whole, good. Any show with scripts by Jane Espenson is going to be good and, sure enough, her scripts were the best IMHO. She has an uncanny knack of just getting characters and so it proved again. (Fun fact: it was one of her episodes that featured the 'bigger on the inside' line. She wrote it thinking that RTD and Jane Gardener would get a laugh from it then insist it was cut.) My favourite episode was the one where we found out about Angelo. Not just for the mention of the Doctor, but because we know that Jack has had this incredible life and it was good to see a bit more about that. It's episodes like that that really help round out the character.

The acting across the board was good. It's the sort of situation where everyone was bringing their A game and elevating everyone else and the show as a whole. A lot of people have complained about Mekhi Phifer, saying that Rex appeared to be in a different show to everyone else, but I thought it worked for this character having to adjust to a different way of doing things. In particular, I loved his acting when he discovered what was happening to the Cat. 1's and was merely able to watch and film as Vera burned. John Barrowman brought a new, hitherto unseen fragility to Jack. (Incidentally, I watched the US version [being an impatient bugger] and thus the infamous sex scene. When I showed it to me friends, watching at UK pace, they wondered why the BBC even bothered cutting it.) Eve Myles is very much a love her or hate her actress (much like Catherine Tate or Karen Gillan in Doctor Who) but I've always liked her. Her best episode, it must be said, was the first one where she's dragged back into Torchwood against her will. Kai Owen was actually given stuff to do. Normally he's just Gwen's hubby, comic relief and sometimes useful, so it was good to see him being more. Particularly, the fact that it's him that works out why Jack is mortal and the connection between Shanghai and Buenos Aires. Alexa Havins, who played Esther, was unknown to me before Miracle Day but I'll be looking out for her in the future. The scene where she called the social services on her sister were heart breaking and I loved her frustration at being seen as just an analyst when she wanted, and could, be so much more. I enjoyed every single situation where she proved how useful her skills were. Lauren Ambrose was fantastic as Julie Kitzenger, ambitious, greedy and wearing far, far too much lipstick. As a Trekkie, it's always fun to see Major Kira (Nana Visitor – Angelo’s Granddaughter and Q

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 (John De Lanice aka Agent Allen Shapiro). Seeing them sharing scenes was an added bonus.

You may notice that there's someone I have yet to mention. Bill Pullman. Bill, Bill, Bill, what are you doing to me man? Seriously, what are you doing to me? When I first heard about the idea of the Oswald Danes character I was horrified, but intrigued. A paedophile AND child killer? How was that supposed to work? But Pullman was, quite simply, mesmerising. When Oswald was on screen he was mesmerising. Simply mesmerising. A lot of people will point out the big speech he gave as his finest moment, but, for me it's impossible to single out just one moment. The twitchiness, the joy at being unexpectedly free, Pullman dared to make this repulsive character sympathetic, but not in a Dexter way. I particularly loved the scenes between Oswald and Rhys which had just the right amount of slightly dark humour. As I said at the start, I did have some problems with it. The big one I'll get to in

a bit, for now a couple of minor ones. For a start, there were a few things that appeared and were then quickly dropped. It's fine to do that when it's something like The Killing (US version, I've yet to see the original) because when that happened it meant that they weren't part of the investigation which was the focus of the show. But I somehow don't believe that Dead is Dead simply vanished when their leader did and what, exactly, was the point of the Soulless? It seems as if they were only there for the cool visual. This is something else I had a problem with - cool shit for the sake of it. I can believe Jack or Rex or even Rhys blowing up the, whatever the hell it was (consensus seems to be it was the fuel tanks) in episode seven, but I really have a difficult time believing Gwen ever would. It feels like they did that because they hadn't blown shit up for a while and it was time. Now for my big problem. Big. Huge. Gigantic. I really cannot state how much this annoys me. The pacing. The pacing was way, way, way off. Now, I have no problem with shows that go at a slow pace. I am, after all, a massive fan of The Wire. But they got it wrong. When I got to episode nine and there were still too many unanswered questions, I wondered if they could actually do this. Turns out they could, but then I thought about it and realised it's just RTD. It was a trademark of his run on Doctor Who. Plant the seeds throughout and then not wrap things up till the last two episodes. Now don't get me wrong, I like series long arcs. But if you're going to try this you A) have single episodes with mentions of the arc story and then wrap it up and B) and this is particularly if you're going to leave it till the end to deal with the arc, you'd better be Aaron Sorkin, who's the master of this (trying to emulate Sorkin without Sorkin is one of the reasons Season Five of The West Wing is the worse). RTD, try as he might, is no Aaron Sorkin. He just about got away with this approach during Doctor Who, but not by much. But

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 attempting it when you have ten episodes which are nothing but arc just simply does not work and leads to a lot of filler (Torchwood is relocating! For no apparent reason!). That dampened my enthusiasm for the series but didn't stop me enjoying altogether. And, I must admit, they left us with one hell of a cliff hanger.  WILLIAM FORBES

When I look at the legacy of Torchwood, I REALLY don’t know what to think. I don’t even know if I like it. Series 1 had some good ideas, but was ultimately a mess. Series 2 had a couple of good episodes, but again lost its way. Then there was Children of Earth - up there as one of the best things I’ve seen on television. So where would Miracle Day rank, amongst its predecessors? Would it go back to the old ways of being a mess narratively? Would it be as exciting and as well produced as Children of Earth?

viewers by all accounts) as plotlines, and new characters, tried to establish themselves. Unfortunately I felt that they left it far too late to make it a success. The pace dropped halfway through and then all of a sudden they needed to wrap it up within 2 episodes, leaving the story exposed. The whole ‘Angelo Story’ was pretty standalone and could have been fit anywhere in the series. It was left until Episode 8 and at the end of that episode, is when we find out that he knew about how the Miracle started. Wouldn’t it have been more of a surprise if we had known about Angelo a few episodes’ previously? His story with Jack would have had time to be digested by the viewers and we would have had an ‘Ahhhhhh!’ moment when the reveal was made. Instead, I just felt that this was a rushed, cheap, convenient plot device, in order to crank the pace up for the last two episodes. Which didn’t really work.

It was both I want Torchwood to succeed, I really do. It seems plenty of people, for some reason, don’t (be it Ianto fans for killing him off – yawn! Or people who didn’t enjoy the series right from the start) I’ve always wanted the BBC to produce more homegrown sci-fi and for 3 years Torchwood filled that gap. It may have had its stinkers, but Doctor Who isn’t accidently devoid of its stupid ideas and plot points, is it? Miracle Day sees Torchwood given a new lease of life. Co-Produced with American Network Starz, who are famed for their near-the-knuckle adult dramas, it seemed a perfect fit. And for the first few episodes – it was. Fast paced action with SFX that cost a little bit more than Barrowman’s make-up. Sadly the pace dropped (and so did the American

It wasn’t just Angelo’s story that seemed an odd fit though – Oswald suddenly turning up to Gwen’s wasn’t explained well enough (as was most of that episode) and the whole story behind The Families was cloudy at best (although we could learn more in a Series 5 of Torchwood…). It’s a shame that Torchwood attracts such criticism from people, as it does have some brilliant ideas, but it doesn’t help itself at times. Children of Earth did it properly – 5 fast-paced episodes, no

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 breaks, just a free-flowing story from beginning to end. If the future of Torchwood is to be in the form of a onestory series, then it needs to be quickly paced, or people will lose interest. Perhaps a return to the ‘Monster of the Week’ format beckons? To be fair though, plotwise, it did have its good points. I do like it when we aren’t given a reason for things that happen (like how the Miracle began). Explanations hardly happens in real life (one of my pet hates is when I watch something and the villain holding the gun goes on and on and on and on about their plans, which gives someone the time to foil them! JUST SHOOT, DON’T EXPLAIN!!!) Apart from that, it allows the story to be moved on quickly, which sadly, Torchwood hardly takes advantage of!

Bill Pullman will, quite rightly, receive lots of plaudits for this, but again, the patchy writing of his character spoiled it for me. I never really understood how/why he wanted to die, yet minutes later was proclaiming himself to be the messenger of God, or words to that effect. It just didn’t sit right with me, maybe it was a dig at Evangelism in the US? I don’t know and that’s the point! I did enjoy his last few lines though, no cry of forgiveness, he just showed what he was – a complete and utter bastard! Overall, Torchwood: Miracle Day wasn’t terrible nor brilliant. It was a watchable series that may just be the start of Torchwood in America. If it serves as a solid base for the series to improve from (don’t forget the majority of the series was staffed by entirely new people) then it would have been worth it.  STEVE JAMES

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

Steven Moffat Is A Very Good Writer… First off let’s be clear, Steven Moffat is a very good writer. That is not in doubt.

As for “Time Crash”, well it’s just one big time loop!

Each of his episodes for the first four series of “New Who” stood out and quite rightly were praised by both fans and critics alike.

Now whatever, you say about RTD he tended not to repeat himself. Picking three stories and random, say “Rose”, “Love and Monsters” and “Midnight” they are all quite individual and not to my mind show any repeating traits.

When it was announced that Russell T Davies would be leaving his role as show runner with Steven taking over everyone quite rightly breathed a sigh of relief. Now that was then, this is now. With over a series and a half of Who under his belt now perhaps we can take a couple of steps back to look at how it has developed and more specifically the stories written by him. The first thing that sticks out is that SM likes the idea of time travel. Specifically the idea of being of changing the past not just once but many times until the desired result is achieved.

In fact the only thing that sticks out when I see an RTD scripted story is his use of worldwide news reports to show when some major event is occurring. But then that’s a narrative device to get a point across not the actually plot point itself. With SM, now that we are seeing more than one script from him per series, it’s become very obvious that once he likes a plot idea he is more than happy to use and re-use it. Don’t believe me? Frightened little children (girls especially) – Check!

His first published work for Who “Continuity Errors” featured in the Decalog 3 book was all about that concept.

See – The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, Girl in the Fireplace, Eleventh Hour, Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon.

His next work “The Curse of Fatal Death” (not “The Curse of the Fatal Death” as some fans keep calling it for some reason) again played with that idea over and over again with the exchanges between the Master and the Doctor over who had gone back in time to pay the architect to change things.

Haunted spacesuits – Check!

Again “Blink” played with that concept and once we get to “The Big Bang” the Doctor is zipping back and forth changing things like it’s going out of fashion.

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon. Audio devices which play terrifying messages? Check! See - The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, Time of Angles/Flesh and Stone, Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Scary messages scrawled on walls – Check! See - Blink, Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon. In fact you could almost imagine Steven Moffat as a sort of magician. He has in his bag a number of tricks/stories. He has been performing the same ones with minor changes to audiences for several years. Some of them don’t really work or make sense but that doesn’t matter, he performs them so colourfully, so quickly and which such flair that his audience just watch with anticipation and wonder. If a story element is unresolved – fans will say “well I am sure it will be resolved next series” At the beginning of series 5 we were introduced to “The Crack” (and for those who find it funny to refer to it as “Amy’s Crack” – do grow up!!). Now we were all expecting this idea to be resolved at the end of that series. And was it, well sort of...ish…. It seems now that more might be revealed in the second part of series six...hopefully….

starting to feel like SM doesn’t mind whether or not something actually makes sense. As long as it looks good and it’s clever that’s all that matters. If I can give one example that sticks out for me its from “A Good Man goes to War” when Rory demands information from the Cybermen. I mean honestly, would the Doctor in any incarnation have rigged up an entire Cyberfleet to make a point and hopefully get some information? Looks good yes, but does it really make any sense? I think not.. What is starting to worry me is that several years ago another series started going that way which lots of unresolved plot elements which episodes being promoted as being “the one that will answer everything” and then turning out to do the opposite and in fact just creating more questions. A series that went so far that way that eventually it travelled up its own backside never to be seen again. And the name of that series: The X Files… Remember it? Were you one of the few who managed to watch the series right to the bitter end? Well, congratulations, I jumped ship long before then!

It seems as if he feels that now he’s in charge he doesn’t have to resolve something in the one or two episodes he’s been allocated in the past and instead can spread it over an entire series, leaving little breadcrumbs along the way, or even into the next one.

And then there’s the dialogue…

Even then if in the end it just doesn’t make any sense – fans will say in his defence “ooh it’s all wibbly wobbly timey wimey!!”.

Here’s a recent example from a Good Man Goes to War

Now I am all for a bit of mystery and there is no need to explain every single element of every single story but it’s

Now whether he realises it or not, SM seems now to be writing lines that are perfect for trailers but whether they actually sound natural or not is another matter.

River: This is the Battle of Demon's Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further. And... I can't be with him 'til the very end.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Rory: Why Not? River: Because this is it. This is the day he finds out who I am Now this reminds me of two things: Firstly (and I apologise if I can’t remember who wrote this originally) but a comment on “Classic Who” which criticised dialogue which was simply “plot, plot, plot” except in this case its “sounds clever, sounds clever, sounds clever”. Secondly a quote from (I think, Harrison Ford) who told George Lucas about his writing that “George, you can type this shit, but you sure as hell can’t say it”. Now I am all for good, intelligent writing but sometimes dialogue can sound just like that, i.e. something that has come out of a writers mind and not out of someone’s mouth. I have been watching episodes of both the original Twilight Zone and the Night Gallery, the creator and lead writer of both being Rod Serling.

And as for the anticipated “Big Reveal” at the end of A Good Man Goes to War, you’ve just been in a life and death situation and you want to tell the man you love who you really are, would you really go round the houses in that way? No, you would just get on with it and tell him. But what do we get? Knowing looks and smiles before a final answer but only because River is at gunpoint. Before when SM was just a writer for hire effectively he was great and his episodes were the ones that stuck out in each series, so what’s happened? Well it seems that while driving the “Who” car he is fine provided that someone (in this case RTD) is there sitting beside him making sure he doesn’t go down the wrong road etc. Now that he’s driving on his own, goodness knows where he is taking us, if he even knows himself! Finally, in perhaps a glimpse of hope, in a recent interview SM claimed that in series 6, part 2 –

As good as a writer has he was, and when he was good he was very very good indeed, Serling did have a habit of writing long flowery monologues for his characters. These would always be well written and sounded great in isolation from the story itself but I always got the feeling that they were more suited to the stage. On TV they had a habit of slowing the story down, with the other characters just standing still, watching for the speech to end.

“Answers will be given. We’re not playing at really being “Lost”. You will know what’s really going on on that beach, you will know the truth about River Song, which you don’t know yet…It’s pretty much answer, answer, answer in a way...But by the end of episode 13, new things will have begun...”

On Twilight Zone, and to a lesser degree Night Gallery, Serling's scripts were left untouched due to his influence on both shows and I wonder if it is the same for SM now that he is showrunner.

And of course if it doesn’t you can always go back and change it!

Cryptic as ever of course, but does this mean that genuinely everything will be answered? Time will tell…

 FRANCIS CAVE

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

Whooverville I knew it was going to be a decent weekend when we were given an ‘Executive Room’ for just £39 a night. I was like a child in a sweet shop – cans of pop, chocolate, dressing gowns, towels…all potentially finding their way into my travel bag at the end of the weekend. They even had a telly what worked. Amazing. A Friday night taking in the nice surroundings of Derby City Centre later, and we find ourselves in a sea of Doctor Who fans at the QUAD on Saturday. Now I must admit I’m not that experienced at attending conventions, so it was a bit of a culture shock at first me getting up this early on Saturday was unheard of! We stumped up our convention fee, given our ID badges (basically a sticker that I put on upside down) and a list of times, showing when certain guests were signing/talking/podcasting/photographing It was before 10am, so we made our way into the dealers room (no, not a room full of Gentleman in leather jackets, pushing drugs) and had a look around. I was quite pleased to see a huge collection of Target books on sale for just £1.50 each. Weighing up the average Ebay price, a saving of 20p was to be had, so I snapped a few up on the spot. I also wanted to purchase a few Annuals and maybe some New Adventures, but decided to do this later…and totally forgot about it! We made our way into the ‘talk area’ which was a cinema screen, but unlike my local Pictures, it was clean, the seats were intact (with no chewing gum attached) and there wasn’t even any sign of any graffiti like, ‘Baz Luvs K8T’, whatever that means. We took our plush seats for the welcome and the first talk, which was new series

Production Designer, Tristan Peatfield. Tristan (no relation to Farnham, surely?) had some interesting tales to tell, mostly about his work on the series and that he believes that the Moffat series is ‘more adult’ than the RTD era. We took a short break before we met Maurice Roeves (Stotz in The Caves of Androzani) who signed the Missus’ target book. We would later go and see his talk, which again, was very enjoyable and full of great tales from his career. Earlier, we had caught the end of Frazer Hines’ talk, which sounded very entertaining. He’s a great storyteller is Frazer and I would recommend you try and catch one of his talks one day. I just hope I heed my own advice! To be fair to myself though, we spent quite a bit queuing for autographs, which I don’t mind doing, but it was a little bit cramped and hot in there. Not the fault of anybody mind, just the way things were! It could have been worse I suppose – it could have been a queue for Justin Bieber tickets, or one for half-price Bingo. Afterwards, we attended Ian McNiece’s talk, which turned into an adult ‘audience with’, which was a

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 laugh from start to finish. Apart from Doctor Who, he chatted about Warship, Edge of Darkness, Ace Ventura and more recently, Doc Martin, amongst many great tales from his long and distinguished career. Oh and Doctor Who too. Perhaps he said a bit too much, but I won’t go into that here! We rounded off our autograph hunting by seeing Nicola Bryant, who was as lovely as you’d expect, and Frazer, who seemed in fine form and up for a laugh. The day ended by attending a very interesting talk by a group of fans, before Nicola’s talk and a raffle. Which I didn’t win! The convention was very enjoyable and I would urge you to attend next year’s, as the team behind it have got some great ideas and are excellent at organising such a thing. Derby itself is a great place to visit – we enjoyed a rather excellent night out on Saturday night and the very reasonable prices helped enormously in that respect! With Derby

being more-or-less in the centre of England, you can’t really use travel as an excuse for not being able to attend and with it being a lot cheaper than its London counterparts – money shouldn’t be a problem too! The best thing I like about the convention though, is that it is fan-run. No profitmaking here, just a group of fans trying to make the best convention possible. These events are always worth your support and in most people’s experiences – they are normally the most fun to attend. When your biggest complaint of the weekend is that ‘it was too hot’ in a small room, packed with people of all ages getting autographs and buying 25 year-old books - then you know you’ve had a good and successful weekend! And that hotel room just topped it off. I didn’t even nick anything!  DANIEL GEE

Steve Hatcher Interview Prior to Whooverville, we moidered convention organiser, Steve Hatcher, to give us more information on the event, as well as some tales that come from organising a Doctor Who Convention! You can find out more information about The Whoovers at www.whoovers.org.uk or on Facebook. Hi Steve! Whooverville is of course a fan-run convention (which must be hard work!) How important do think fan-run cons are? And do you feel that there should be more of them? Well, apart from the likes of Comic-Con, be it in London or in San Diego, most conventions are fan run. It would be a mistake to categorize organisations such as Tenth Planet, Fantom Films or the Gallifrey One Convention as anything

other than (professionally run) fan organisations. I know that Derek of Tenth Planet and Dexter and Paul at Fantom are absolutely fans. I think the balance is about right, with events such as Comic-Con and Collectormania being able to get officially sanctioned, new series guests such as Karen and Matt, Tenth Planet, Gallifrey and to an extent Fantom Films being able to afford the more expensive guest lists, while we offer a smaller scale event that does not

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 have to focus so much on profit. The bigger issue is the general proliferation of events, which has seen some conventions - notably Army of Guests in Glasgow and the Rift events in Cardiff cancelled in the last year, in at least one case leaving a fan organiser who appears to have over-reached himself, in some difficulties. I've touched on how hard it must be to organise a convention, how long does Whooverville actually take to organise? And what advice would you give to people/fan groups who are thinking of hosting their own? We started to think seriously about this year's event in February or March, having spoken to Derby QUAD before Christmas. We didn't approach any guests until around May. We probably leave this a lot later than some conventions, but I can't see much point in announcing a lot of names 9 months to a year ahead of an event, which then has to be amended as people withdraw. By leaving things later, I can at least be fairly sure that guests who say they will be able to come, do in fact do so. I suppose the most important pieces of advice to offer are to make sure you have a team to do the organising and to avoid becoming personally financially committed. Mortgaging your house to pay for a convention is a good way to lose your home. The first two Whooverville events were held in probably the most interesting convention venue ever (a Railway Museum!) How did the idea for the convention (and its venue) come about? Yes, the Midland Railway was a great venue. We had done a fair few 'Evenings With...' events in Derby, which we still do 4 or 5 times a year and which are probably our core activity. A lot of the group members had been saying for a

while that we should organise a convention and it had reached the stage where we had made a good few contacts with interesting people Anneke Wills, Gary Russell, Nick Briggs, Colin Baker et al. and so it felt that the time was right. They became our first guest list. Our problem however, was that we couldn't afford to pay for a big enough venue for a whole day. One of our former members, who had moved away, mentioned that his mother was working at the Railway Museum and that they had this big engine shed. We approached them with a proposal to organise an event on their behalf. They were to pay for the guests and provide the venue free of charge, we were to do the organising. They liked the idea (cautiously) and this led to the first Whooverville. By the way, it was always going to be called that. Some of us sat in a pub at the first organising meeting, I asked the question, 'What shall we call the event?' and (I think) three of us all said 'Whooverville' together - it was too obvious. You've moved to the shiny Quad, which is situated in Derby City Centre. Do you feel you had outgrown the Railway Museum? To a point yes. We had become aware that having the convention on a Sunday in the middle of nowhere did present difficulties for some potential attendees. To get to the Railway Centre by public transport required a 10 minute walk from Derby Station to the City Centre, an hour's bus ride to Butterley, and then the rather wonderful steam train ride to the engine shed. The engine shed itself was very atmospheric, but also rather cold and dirty and needed a full day before the convention, to set up - and the acoustics were dreadful. We were very lucky with the weather both years, I didn't want to push that luck and end up trying to run Whooverville 3 in a sea of mud, with torrential rain beating down

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 noisily on the tin roof. It could have been dreadful. Communications with the Railway were not always great either, resulting in the situation last year when Whooverville 2 had to share the engine shed with a full-sized diesel engine that was being painted. The fumes were not pleasant. We already had the contacts at QUAD - and had held a splendid evening with Daphne Ashbrook there last autumn - we put the same proposition to them as we had to the Railway, and here we are. We had around 150 people at Whooverville 1, just under 200 at last year's event and we hope to be bigger and better this year.

There aren't many conventions/signing events outside London these days, so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s refreshing to see one held in a location that is accessible for most people in England. What are your plans for the future of Whooverille? Do you see it getting bigger? Well Derby is perfect - surprisingly accessible from most of the country even for Londoners. The Whoovers is a local group, we meet monthly and get guests along around 4 or 5 times a year. Whooverville has room to flourish in QUAD and I don't see any reason to stop doing them, so long as the group members are keen to be involved - there is no way that one person could do it alone - and so long as it doesn't get in the way of those monthly meetings. What will be crucial is that QUAD make enough money on the day (the Whoovers group don't take any of the profits). We need it to be financially successful enough for them to want to do it again.

Do you have any funny convention stories to share? I hear Colin Baker enjoyed the trains on his visit...

Yes, Colin loved the trains, as did John Leeson last year, who spent most of the day wandering around with a smile on his face, taking pictures - then had a ride back to Ripley Station on the footplate. From that first convention we had Nick Briggs for the first time in his life actually inside a Dalek, interrupting Gary Russell's panel; Colin Baker holding up The Staggering Stories Podcasters' Head of Pertwee as if he had just decapitated the Third Doctor, shouting 'Where are the others?'; John Walker's stories of life as an extra at Whooverville 2 were a highlight, including a very rude story about John Barrowman... Then there was one Whoovers member, helping out on the Whoovers stall, who accidentally sold both halves of a load of raffle tickets - we had to recall and replace those numbers. I suppose the engine painting last year was funny really - at least everyone had a smile on their face... but that could have been the fumes. For those who missed the first two Whoovervilles, the DVDs are still available from our website - or for that

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 matter, there is some very nice footage (not ours) on YouTube - Tim Drury's is particularly good. I want to pay tribute to some of those who have supported the convention, Big Finish have been there both years - and will be again this year, as have Hirst Books. Derek at Tenth Planet brought sponsored guests to last year's event, and is doing so again this year - allowing us to have a much wider range of guests than we would otherwise have. Derek has also been very helpful in arranging official Whooverville guests for us - John Leeson last year and Sarah Sutton this, and has been a tremendous source of advice and support. Robert Dick, one of the best convention interviewers around, has given his time and energy to support us all three years. Our friends from The Projection Room have been fabulous especially in letting us use their TARDIS set last year (sadly not fit to be used this year). Finally let me mention the Doctor Who Podcasters' Alliance. The Podcasters got on board behind Whooverville right at the beginning and have tirelessly plugged and promoted our events, provided interviewers and turned the convention into the UK's premier gathering of Doctor Who Podcasters. As a devoted listener myself, this has been a major source of pleasure and satisfaction. Above all though recognition must go to the Whoovers members, who have set-up, organised, stewarded, interviewed and generally been magnificent. In particular I want to thank the late Robbie Langton, who took a great part in the early organisation of Whooverville I, before his untimely death in June 2009, and Andy Thompson who has been co-chief organiser with me for all three events.

He has provided so much that I could not, especially the necessary worrying the chairs Andy, yes I know, they will be there. And Finally, for those in the East Midlands area who might be interested in The Whoovers, how can they get more information? Not just the East Midlands, as well as members from Derby, Nottingham and Leicester, we regularly have friends coming to our meetings from as far afield as Stoke-on-Trent, Birmingham, Sheffield, Leeds and so on. We have a website or you can find us on Facebook. We meet every month, usually on the first Friday and usually at the VoiceBox, Forman Street, Derby. As it happens, apart from Whooverville we have two special guest events coming up. On Friday 23rd September at the Derby Conference Centre on London Road, we have Andrew Hayden-Smith (Rise of the Cybermen etc) and Anthony Lewis (Torchwood: To The Last Man), in a meeting organised in arrangement with Fantom Films. Then on Friday October 7th at the VoiceBox, we have David Graham (Dalek Voices, The Gunfighters, City of Death etc) and Shane Rimmer (The Gunfighters), both of whom are even better known for their many and varied contributions to Gerry Anderson productions. Both meetings start at 7.30pm and entry costs ÂŁ6 (waged) or ÂŁ4 (unwaged). Thanks to Steve for taking the time to answer our questions and the rest of the Whoovers for organising such a superb convention, which is well worth your support next year!

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

The Scarifyers: The Magic Circle It was with mixed emotions when I heard that The Scarifyers would return, following the death of Nicholas Courtney. Delighted that the series would continue of course, but equally sad that Nick wouldn’t be a part of it. How on earth could they make the story work? I wondered. Well I needn’t have worried, as The Magic Circle has, quite easily, become my favourite Scarifyers adventure! David Warner (who is no stranger to working on audio with various Doctor Who spin-offs) stars as new character, Ex-Police Sergeant Harry Crow, who is enlisted by Dunning (Terry Molloy) to help him search out Lionheart (Courtney), who seems to have gone missing whilst looking at an old police case. But as the pair are trying to get to the bottom of it all, someone (or something!) is attacking certain magicians… The story, as always, mixes comedy and drama superbly, but with this being more of a poignant story, I thought it was taken to another level. The performances are all top notch, but Terry Molloy is something else. Although I suspect that he wasn’t acting that much, considering the circumstances. I was very impressed with how the writers handled Lionheart’s backstory and provided a very fitting finale to his character. Warner offers up a very different character than his predecessor, but he has that same quality in his voice that makes you want to listen. Whilst listening to the story, you can slowly see (or hear!) his character developing and I’m already looking forward to hearing more! One of the other reasons why this particular story is my favourite, is because of the music. I’ve never really noticed it before (apart from the excellent theme) and some people say that you shouldn’t notice good music in drama, on whichever media. But I disagree, you should notice the best music, especially on audio, as it brings the best out of a particular scene and affects your emotions, and the way Edwin Skyes’ music is placed in some scenes, just adds that little bit of quality to an already-excellent release. Also included is a 20-minute documentary ‘Remembering Nick’ where the cast and crew of The Scarifyers share their memories of Nick’s time on the series.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Some genuinely heartfelt words, just confirming about what we as fans, thought about the man. And what’s more – the series was originally written with Nick/The Brig in mind! I can’t stress enough that you should go out there and get yourself a copy. The Scarifyers is just quality and deserves a much wider audience. Even if you haven’t listened to a Scarifyers story before, you should still enjoy this for what it is. A tribute to Nicholas Courtney. The Scarifyers: The Magic Circle will be available from www.cosmichobo.com on CD and download from the 1st November Don’t forget to check out our interview with Scarifyers writer Simon Barnard in Issue 5 of Fish Fingers and Custard!

Fish Custard’s Top Tips - Issue 1: Getting a Girlfriend If you call yourself a ‘Doctor Who Geek’ then you are already at a disadvantage. But there is NOTHING as unforgiveable as wearing these on a night out:

Don’t do it kids! 25

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

Sex, Tangfastics and Dodgy DVD’s Harry Sedgewick’s Review of the 2005 Series of Doctor Who These days it seems that every man and his dog is writing a book about Doctor Who. Harry Sedgewick doesn’t have a dog, not since he swapped it for 4 cans of Special Brew and 20 Superkings anyway. But unlike the vast majority of writers, commentators and sycophants, who just want to be famous, what he DOES have, is experiences of working on Doctor Who… Harry’s scenes were cruelly cut out of the 1988 story The Greatest Show In The

Galaxy and has since become the forgotten man of Doctor Who. But Sedgers has never forgotten. His tireless campaign to get himself back onto the show he dearly loves can only be applauded. Plus John Nathan-Turner owes him a tenner. As a result, Harry has immersed himself in Doctor Who Fandom, picking up knowledge, writing for fanzines and learning about the Doctor Who universe, in readiness for the call from the production office for his services. The following is a FULL chapter from his book I Love Who, which is a look at every episode from the revived Doctor Who series from 2005 onwards…

Episode 1: Rose Plot: A shop girl meets a mysterious Time Traveller called ‘The Doctor’. Who isn’t interested in sexing her. Which is a good job, as she looks like Bingo from The Banana Splits. Review: A decent enough start, as some bint called Rose meets The Doctor (played by the gruff Christopher Ecclestone) when some plastic dummies take over the world. First of all – the theme. How boring is it? When I worked on Doctor Who in 1988, Keff McCulloch (the former frontman of Echo and The Bunnymen) was the composer, and he’s a musical genius!

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Other parts that got on my wick – why wasn’t there any tramps on the streets of London? Would sex dolls be animated like the dummies? Why didn’t the shop workers wear a uniform? (Rose could have been a nutcase, or a shoplifter. Or both). And finally - why did The Doctor turn down the advances of Jackie? I would have sawn her in half. And speaking of which – Clive was batting WAY ABOVE his average, wasn’t he? Rating: 8/10 Did You Know: That Clive’s wife appeared in a 1992 episode of ‘Kennel Bitches’ with my good self?

Episode 2: The End of The World Plot: The Doctor and Rose travel to the day the Earth exploded. Thankfully the Russians weren’t involved, which means that 80’s Hollywood films were telling lies all along… Review: You may think I’m a sexist maniac just two episodes in, but Jade wasn’t half giving me wood. It’s another ‘solid’ episode that only would have been made better if yours truly was part of it. I enjoyed Rose describing Cassandra as ‘Lipstick and Skin’. I’ve known a few birds like that. I especially enjoyed the story’s ‘End of The World’ theme, as that is what the story is called. I think it’s very important for the title of an episode to make sense. I was in the story The Greatest Show In The Galaxy in 1988, but it was shite to tell you the truth. For a jobbing actor like me though, it was work so I couldn’t turn it down! Not when you’ve got Card School debts to pay off. I’ve never been any good at Snap. Rating: 8/10 Did You Know: That an actual trampoline was used during the filming? Russell T. Davies broke it, whilst bouncing on it too vigorously with Phil Collinson.

Episode 3: The Unquiet Dead Plot: Corpses are running amok in Cardiff – no it isn’t an old folks outing. This is some serious shit – and The Doctor, Rose and Charles Dickens are deep in it. Review: At first I thought that this was Cardiff in modern times, but apparently it was 1869. That can’t be right. Rose is looking more like Bingo from the Banana Splits by the episode. I like Bingo, but I wouldn’t want to have a go in his spilt, if you can grasp want I’m saying. Anyway, this episode is just utter quality. I enjoyed the banter between The Doctor and Charlie Boy. And the story wasn’t bad either! I must say that Eve Myles looked lovely, although I must stress that the stickiness of my hands was because I had eaten three packets of Haribo Tangfastics whilst watching this.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Rating: 9/10 Did You Know: That no Zombies were used in the making of this episode. They were all just Students, after overdoing it on power-shandies.

Episode 4: Aliens of London Plot: Something crash-lands into London, sadly it isn’t manners, honesty or a bit of class, which Londoners so badly lack – its Aliens from another world! Review: There’s no doubt in my mind that this episode represents the best piece of directorial work in the history of television - EVER. The way Keith Boak cuts scenes together is just out of this world. Very apt for a Sci-Fi kids show. The episode itself is pretty decent, although it’s not surprising that an alien body was found in the Thames – have you seen how dirty it is? I especially liked them using fat actors to portray farting monsters. Obviously fat and smelly kids at school would be held in great esteem thanks to this episode. Sadly, I couldn’t make out the last 10 minutes or so of this story as my dodgy DVD went out of sync. It looked like one of those dubbed Chinese films, but without the rubbish fighting. Or decent clobber. Rating: 10/10 Did You Know: That Keith Boak was given a Special Award at the 2006 Grammy’s for his rapport with actors and on-set staff?

Episode 5: World War Three Plot: Part 2 of this epic saga. Can The Doctor save the Earth from those farting Aliens? Rose can’t – she’s f***ing useless. Review: I’ll tell you something – those Slipheens must spend a long time on the bog, judging by the amount of times they break wind! Other things I learned from this episode: Lady Slipheens don’t wear bras, Mickey is definitely slipping Jackie one, and BBC journalists have got ultra-quick knowledge of EVERY civil servant in the entire country. Another fab episode. “Victory should be naked” I agree. Now where did Harriet go? I want to celebrate. Rating: 9/10 Did You Know: The vinegar-based foods in Mickey’s kitchen were Smartprice, low-cost foods, which wouldn’t have worked on the Slipheen, because they’re cheap. As we all know – cheap food is rubbish and is never as good as paying three times the price a wellknown brand. A bit of posh nosh next time please, Mr Mickey!

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Episode 6: Darlek Plot: The Doctor and Rose arrive at a mysterious collection of objects. No, it isn’t Camille Coduri’s ‘special drawer’ - it’s a museum full of artefacts from other worlds… Review: The only problem I had with this Museum is that it had no Clowns from The Greatest Show In The Galaxy in there. That could have been my comeback scene! I didn’t much like the Australian, Van Statten, but Diana Godard – I ‘would’. I find it interesting that Aussie Pants owns the Internet – does that include all the naughty sites then? I was very impressed with the lighting in the Darlek cell though, the silhouette looked very good. It’s a shame the same can’t be said of Crocodile Dundee – for a billionaire he’s a bit of a scruffy bugger! It occurred to me, whilst watching this, that the Darlek and The Doctor may have been having an affair and in fact, this was one massive sexual innuendo story. No, don’t laugh, hear me out. The way in which they were both arguing with each other was like something out of a soap opera. Another scene shows the Darlek chained up, being drilled by a man wearing orange. The Doctor is chained up on a rack and is subjected to 21 Century-style S&M and Bondage. Later, Rose gives the Darlek an STD. And I won’t even mention the Darlek downloading the Internet to look at Thai Brides! Darlek is pure filth. I love it. Rating: 10/10 Did You Know: Bruno Langley was cast as a favour, so that Phil Collinson would get a job on Coronation Street in 2010? (Is there any other reason why he’s in it?)

Episode 7: The Long Game Plot: The Doctor, Rose and Adam arrive at Satellite 5. But something seems to be controlling the news. No it isn’t a grumpy old man and his Internet bride… Review: Some quick observations on this episode: Suki – would. Adam being a greedy, selfish bastard – why not look at boobs instead of computers? The Editor – very loveable (unlike that tit who does Fish Fingers and Custard Fanzine). Nurse – would. How did The Doctor know where Adam lived? Max – would. From an experienced acting point of view – I did like the shots of Adam and Cathica, when she decided to help The Doctor and Rose…and he buggered off to the mind-machine

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 which told The Editor all about The Doctor. Rather summed both characters up in just one shot. Quality. Rating: 7/10 Did You Know: Amazingly, Rupert Murdoch doesn’t own Satellite 5. So despite Max being there, their news is still more truthful than old corpse features’.

Episode 8: Father’s Day Plot: Rose asks The Doctor to take her back to the day her Father was mown down by a car. But she decides to risk everything to save him. Apart from herself of course. Review: Ah November 1987. I remember it well – I was at my own wedding then. I say ‘at’, I actually got whacked on Babycham beforehand and it’s all hazy. Still, it lasted 6 months so it was all worth it! I really enjoyed this story. Plenty of emotional moments for all involved, although I didn’t much care for Rose and her selfish streak. Some top shots in this include the tramps cider (top cider that btw) and every shot of Jackie, who looked older than she does in the present day, for some reason. Amazing that. Rating: 8/10 Did You Know: I auditioned to play the tramp in this story?

Episode 9: The Empty Child Plot: The Doctor and Rose are tracking a dangerous Alien object through space, but it lands in 1940’s London. During the Blitz… Review: I don’t want to keep doing this, but I can’t help it. What is it with Doctor Who and sexual innuendos? I must sound like some geek, who has never had a Girlfriend (ladies - I have). Captain Jack is just one big innuendo and believe me – I’ve met a few! His ‘excited male member’-style field, in which he caught Rose, didn’t really help matters much. So to the ‘story’ – The Doctor and Rose are following a giant dildo which is crashing towards Earth and they land in London, in 1941. Some lad is asking for his Mummy and before you know it, Richard Wilson pops up, doesn’t say ‘I Don’t Believe It’ and turns into a gasmasked zombie. Brilliant! This is the sort of stuff that Doctor Who SHOULD be about! I enjoyed the story of the young woman, who was trying to feed the children via robbing houses, but personally, if that was me – I’d make sure to rifle through the woman’s knicker drawer before I made good my escape.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Rating: 10/10 Did You Know: The ‘champagne’ which Jack had, was actually Cava. Rose can’t tell, what with her being a scruffy, selfish chav and all.

Episode 10: The Doctor Dances Plot: Part 2, as The Doctor, Rose and Jack, their newly-found ‘friend’, try to escape from The Empty Child and his army of gas-masked people! No S&M though. Review: I tell you what – Christopher Ecclestone was so good with his delivery of ‘Go to your room!’ – that’s exactly what I did! Some top moments in this episode included the tape running out and the child still speaking – very creepy. A bit like when an old man wears trainers. This is another top episode though – ‘Just This Once – Everybody Lives!’ is a quote that will live long in Doctor Who folklaw. As would my performance in Greatest Show, if it hadn’t have been cut. There were more sexual innuendos with ‘Lets Dance’. Tip for any youngsters watching – DON’T say that to any Lady when you grow up – you’ll get told to ‘piss off, leave me alone RIGHT NOW or I’ll call the Police. I’ve got an injunction against you anyway, Harry. You’ve got 2 seconds to put my handbag down and get out’…or maybe that’s just me? Rating: 9/10 Did You Know: That Richard Wilson’s character’s had his wicked way with the old dears, afterwards? The dirty beast!

Episode 11: Boom Town Plot: The Doctor, Rose and Jack are in Cardiff, recharging the TARDIS. Mickey turns up and before you know it, they all meet an old friend who wants to blow the whole of Cardiff up (and she’s not even a ‘streetwalker’) Review: This must be the cheap episode of the series. Not that it looked cheap mind, just that it contained some decent acting without having to rely on CGI. I act brilliantly without CGI all the time, so I know about these things! I would be Oscarnominated if I was brown-nosed sycophant, like Christian Bale. I once pissed in his tea you know, but he’s been in America that long, he’s forgot what proper tea tastes like. Anyway, Boom Town sees the return of Margret Slipheen as she has somehow found her way onto Cardiff

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 City Council in just 6 months (no I don’t how either). It surprised me as Councils normally couldn’t give a toss about giving people jobs if there’s nothing in it for them, so why the need to knock down the historic Cardiff Castle? Where will Teenagers drink alcopops and make babies? I was buying the episode until the silly ‘surfing to safety’ plot of the Slipheen! Although I did enjoy the Slipheen’s ‘dinner and bondage’ quip and resulting look. Very much reminds me st of my 1 wife, who dumped me for a postman. Apparently I couldn’t lick her stamp as well as he could. Speaking of Women - this episode just intensified my dislike for Rose. Her selfish behaviour towards poor Mickey was just heartbreaking. Still, I’m glad Mickey buggered off in the end, here’s hoping Rose gets her just desserts soon! Rating: 7/10 Did You Know: The restaurant, which The Doctor and Margret go to, holds the world record for the slowest-ever service?

Episode 12: Bad Wolf Plot: The TARDIS crew find themselves in mortal danger, as they are transmatted onto some famous gameshows. But Bullseye and Blockbusters were full, so they had to go on some crap ones. Review: Well, wasn’t this a great episode? Not as good as Aliens of London, but it’s certainly up there! I was a bit frustrated at Rose, not waking up in a skip, like Margret Slipheen did in the last episode. It would have been very apt, for the way I’m feeling about the tramp at the moment. I very much enjoyed the camp robots with Jack, and speaking of which – this episode contained the first mention of Torchwood, which is a series that Doctor Who ripped off, I believe. I really enjoyed the reveal of ‘Bad Wolf’ being Rose, as she certainly is a Bad Wolf. With massive teeth. And lots of hair. And a big head. And smelly breath. And rubbish trainers. The Big Brother link was very interesting – I was originally hired to do the voiceovers for that show, but they wanted a big-gruff-Geordie type. You know, like Ant or Dec. I was laughing my arse off at The Weakest Link one (bye, bye Rose!) and as mentioned, the camp robots with Jack, almost made me forgive him for having an Australian accent. It was great to see The Doctor showing off in front of Lynda - she’s definitely a step up from Rose. I mean Lynda or Rose, who would you bonk? The reveal of the Darleks was spoiled by the trailer of this episode, so that knocked off a mark off Boom Town. None knocked off for this episode. It’s brilliant.

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7 Rating: 10/10 Did You Know: Apart from the games mentioned, the Game Station also did The Running Man. Arnie wouldn’t last 5 seconds with a Darlek though. The Darlek wouldn’t fancy his buff torso enough to keep him alive, unlike The Doctor.

Episode 13: The Parting of The Ways Plot: Can The Doctor save Rose from the Darleks? Can Jack stop his camp leather pants from chaffing? Will the Earth’s population be pulped like copies of Fish Custard Fanzine? It’s the final episode of the series! Review: I have a bone to pick with this episode. Apart from ripping off Harry Potter (Book 4, Chapter 36) it had Rose surviving. Plus my Chris left. I’m so angry at this, I’ve set up a Facebook Page to try and remove this David Tennant from the role of The Doctor. Who the hell does this crazy-haired upstart think he is, replacing MY Doctor? He isn’t even handsome enough to be The Doctor. I know I haven’t seen him in an episode yet, but he makes me cringe - I’ve been on the Internet and some people are saying the same things as me. See, I must be right - so there! The episode itself is utterly brilliant of course. I was delighted when Rose was sent packing, only for Mickey (with new haircut) helped her to get back. Minus points for you there Mickey Boy. But it had Darleks, Giant Darleks, sad deaths, funny deaths, Jack survived and the Earth was saved. What more do you want? I want Chris back. Rating: 8/10 Did You Know: David Tennant actually named himself after the much-maligned lager, NOT after Pet Shop Boys genius, Neil Tennant?

I LOVE WHO by Harry Sedgewick, will be released once we find a publisher silly, I mean good, enough to publish it. Follow Harry on Twitter @theharrysedgers Fish Custard Needs You! As always, we’re on the lookout for contributions about ANYTHING related to the Whouniverse (I think that’s what its called) From 2012 however, we will NOT be accepting any fan fictions (although there may be a point in the future when we do a fan fiction special) Things we are looking for are essays, reviews, convention reports, poems...anything you can think of basically! And as always, we are also on the lookout for any art, drawings and comics (preferably hand drawn) you can push our way. Please don’t send in the Mona Lisa. I believe it’s a fake anyway. If any of that takes your fancy, don’t hesitate to e-mail us at fishcustardfanzine@googlemail.com – and remember that we can only publish what we receive from our readers. So if you would like to offer a different take on something – get in touch! Cheers!

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

River’s Journal

you had to wait until the ABC put it on again… or buy the book. The Target novel series was the only way to revisit an episode – or to catch up on a missed story. I spent a lot of time “being good” so that my parents would buy me the next William Hartnell or Patrick Troughton book. They took pride of place on my bookshelves, all arranged in series order.

Recently I took some time to sit down and watch some of my favourite episodes featuring River Song, and I found myself thinking, “Why would she keep a physical journal?” Surely, with all the amazing alien technology floating about there would have to be something more exciting than a tattered old book to keep memories in. Then it dawned on me why a plain, paper journal would best. When I was small, computers took up whole rooms, and programming took hours of fiddly mucking about with cards – a keyboard and mouse were years away. We didn’t have the luxury of digital cameras, and film was time consuming and expensive to process. So we wrote things down, and illustrated our ideas with clippings from magazines and newspapers. The more talented drew illustrations with coloured pencils – or for the more daring, the new felt tipped markers that were just becoming cheap enough to afford without too much saving up. It was also a time before video recorders and iPlayers, so if you wanted to watch your favourite episode of Doctor Who,

Now they’re safely stored away in a cupboard in my parent’s house, and last time I went back to Australia, I took a few out and leafed through them. The vivid colours of the covers, and the gentle shuffling of turning pages added to the memories of the adventures they contained. They were portable devices for stories, way before the DVD and iDevice. They could be loaned out, swapped, and circulated about without the need for a net connection – or even a power source. Unless, like me, you read them at night by the light of your first digital watch. My parents never could work out why how I could go through so many batteries for it. Books also blended in to the background. No one took any notice of someone reading, or jotting down notes in a book. They were common, inconspicuous and silent. And so to it would be with River’s journal. Whizz bang technology might come and go, but a piece of paper and a pencil will not suffer from the terrors of compatibility issues, power failures or standing out as an incongruity.  STUART BEATON

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7

31 Things Less Painful Than Watching Journey’s End 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31.

Having a Cricket Ball hit at your head Wearing underwear that is at least four sizes too small Going Ice Skating. Naked. Being punched in the face by Wladimir Klitschko. With no gloves on. Watching an episode of Eastenders Being bitten by a Rottweiler Being chased around a nightclub by a drunken weirdo who wants to kiss you because you’re the youngest in there. When you’re 45. Losing an Oyster Card halfway through your journey Listening to an album made by any X Factor contestant Reading Heat magazine Falling down a manhole. Naked. Throwing up after drinking too much Cider and Black and screaming ‘it’s blood, it’s blood’ Being constipated Watching Soccer AM Eating glass Having your clothes eaten by a Goat, whilst wearing them Misunderstanding and hitting the nail on your thumb with a hammer, rather than the sliver, sticky-outy one Watching The End of Time, without any alcohol/drugs to get you through Burning your mouth with hot pizza Hearing your Mum bang on that window, meaning you should stop kicking that ball or swinging on that washing line…or you’ll be in trouble. Having a drink with over-eager students Cutting your finger open on a can of pop, whilst attempting a ‘feat of strength’ and ripping it open, in order to impress a ladyfriend Watching Shark Attack 3 Riding a bicycle, with no suspension, through a snow-covered quarry. Naked Reading a tweet from a child saying how much they ‘love’ Justin Bieber Watching John Barrowman host ‘Tonight’s The Night’ Listening to a James Blunt album, on a loop for 24 hours Having heat rash Criticising David Tennant in front of a militant DT Fangirl Shaving your ‘down below bits’ with a blunt razor Watching Series’ 1 & 2 of Torchwood. Naked.

 ARTHUR ORSE

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 7