Foolish Times January 2017

January 2017

2017 Lift your left leg to start on the right foot Happy New Year!

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January 2017

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Even a

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January 2017

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S.

Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Zachary Michael Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks On a field trip to Marina, I purchased a few live crabs at way below grocery store prices. The clerk scooped out two feisty warriors who wanted to get out of the big tub to continue their life in a small Igloo cooler. For the rest of the day, they were my traveling companions through South Santa Cruz County and a formal introduction to my favorite bartender. This was a great bonding experience.

Because of my commitment to take good care of them, I thought it would be a great idea to have them live their remaining days in native Pacific Ocean water. The reason was to keep them happy and healthy overnight and take them to my office the next morning to introduce them to the staff.

I walked down to the beach with a bucket to collect ocean water. The moon was shimmering over the wet sand while the waves were breaking a good 20 feet farther out. Without going into detail as space and time allows, I collected native water while bending over and ended up getting drenched. One man’s tenacious effort is another man’s stupidity.

They made it through the night and looked happy to see me. I shared my expectations with them for the day and they seemed to understand, or didn’t care. Once at my office they would have a good old fashioned crab race with the winner becoming my pet. The loser was going to be named “Dinner.” His compatriot shouldn’t gloat too much because he will follow in the same path as his loser friend, just a day later.

To fast forward this complicated story, the girls didn’t have a warm and fuzzy moment when meeting my crabs. They didn’t do anything more than sit on the carpet, move their mouth and roll their eyes.

For the sake of the story, I’m referring to the crabs.

Because of their lack of entertainment value, they both met their fate that evening; again referring to the crabs.

Make Me on page 10 has the end of this delicious story and the beginning of yours.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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January 2017

www.foolishtimes.net Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?’”

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend.

It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them.

Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.

“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.

“I’m not doing anything, Mom,”

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way.

“Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?”

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man.

We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-lefthand corner.

After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

My Dad had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30am and we were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Our dog Walter also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. He told me our pet would remain overnight.

“Overnight?” I said. “My Dad came home the same day.”

The vet looked at me and said, “Walter’s not on Medicare.”

JANUARY 13

@ 7PM

TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date.

He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

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January 2017

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

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FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference.

150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

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Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started.

You will call it the best!

Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

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THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes.

Dine in, take-out and delivery.

Lunch buffet daily.

538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items.

Full menu/ bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

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January 2017

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Are Trump and Santa Secretly the Same?

by Zachary Michael Jack Both CEOs are famously reclusive, often leaving nothing but cookie crumbs and carrot nibblings behind as evidence of their nocturnal wanderings. Both men are known to stay up scandalously late to get the job done; Twitter trolling in the case of Trump and toy-making in the case of Claus.

Because of their globetrotting, mercurial ways, their loyal fan bases around the world have cre-ated online Trump Trackers and Santa Trackers, respectively, to follow their every move and pronouncement. Both men run a very, very tight ship employing

Can anyone tell us where the delete winter button is?

thousands but, apparently, pay little to no taxes. Both men are big on training apprentices. Both boast first ladies who stand by their man, even when his job must come first. Both like to get their fast food fix on the fly.

Both men are more than willing to let you sit on their lap.

At times the uncanny similarities between the two seem worthy of an internet meme or at least a conspiracy theory… maybe Trump really is Santa Claus (perhaps explaining his dark-horse rise in politics). Or, maybe it’s the other way around and Santa is really Trump, a former Democrat who turned Republican in keeping with his increasing age, gravitas and waistline. And if Santa really is Trump what surprise should we expect from him next: dumping Mrs. Claus for a Slove-nia model, breaking ground on a golf course inside the Arctic Circle, or going bankrupt on a new Greenland casino? Like Trump, Santa is a master of branding. You see red and green and….boom…you’re

It was so cold: The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

free associating! Indeed, which of the two Big Guys was quoted as saying the following, Ol’ Saint Nick or Ol’ Sinner Trump, quite possibly while under the mistletoe: “I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

Whether it’s Trump, the Anti Claus or Nick, the Santy Claus who visits your home office this hol-iday season, the operant rules apply. Always double check if the Big Guy asks you to sit on his lap.

If you hear grunts and groans coming from the chimney or any

other notoriously tight squeeze in your corporate suite, remember: you hear nothing; you see nothing.

If some unbeliever tells you over lunch that the Big Guy doesn’t exist because they’ve never seen him any-where other than on a television screen, tell them they should have a little faith.

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January 2017

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The jig is up Dude and Dudeess! The strange hold that inner darkness has on you at times is just an overtaxed Ram. Even so, your very best pout will not spout the necessary salve. This calls for a Rock Star rebound!

Shampoo the fleece; skewer the hors d’oeuvres onto the spiked studded jacket, and enjoy the New Years party! Oops, the fuzz...hire a lawyer.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Stop sneaking out at night and hiding behind the dumpster to smoke. This is why you have the crick in your neck... rock hard paranoia strikes deep in the heartland. Not to mention how it is affecting you as a Soprano.

Not willing to suspend the achievements of a Kool Winston?

Then the New Year whispers in your ear my dear, you are Dunhill.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins To and fro, every which way you go! Between a rock and a hard place is normal for you GEM. Your Goombahs feel concern for your vacillation between despondency and euphoria. Sustaining this varietal appetite will bring you waves of pendulous stares. The New Year accolades you were hoping for may turn out to be blanks!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Are you dumb as a box of rocks?

Of course, the hangover of the New Year will soon be over!

Another week or two you will be

fresh again. For future reference, you may want to beware of clinging to the one person who can only utter three words such as nibbles, rolling stone, and progress to Tequila.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your astonishing open personality has bestowed a free pass upon you! Crashing a New Year’s party and pretending to be a family member is superlative. Strangers ready to adopt you as one of their own. Your pride may be bruised when they throw you out into the cold. Do not let this squelch your whole- hearted enthusiasm.

Continue to be true to yourself.

Remember Rock n’ Roll has two faces too, Chuck and Berry.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Your finely tuned nervous system is unrivaled, (exception Pisces), at assimilating knowledge and turning it into practical use. Take your rock Solid bad habits, throw in some self-analysis, and pick the one you like the best, for the rest of the year indulge without concern.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Cold feet and cold hands this winter will make you wretchedly unhappy. First, set aside the pet rock that only warms the cockles of your heart. Then take the plunger to make sure Santa has evacuated the chimney, this will help with your poor circulation.

Light a fire, put socks on feet, wear mittens, and crap, if that doesn’t raise the thermostat...

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Too inebriated to talk? You can rock the world with your sex fund.

Recall your stinger is made up of six segments and moves swiftly backwards and forwards and will get the message across. In the New Year, you may look to other forms of communication. A new move in the art of baton twirling called the thumb toss perhaps.

Careful no mishaps.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Locomotion and volition...sound familiar. Your natural way is to keep moving! Your in-laws are hoping you will skedaddle with that paddle they gave you for Christmas. You resemble a Vanilla Lifesaver, pale, and stuck to their Barcalounger. The only dissolve is to lick yourself free.

Even Rover is eyeing you to move over. Time to Rock the boat!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Gloating neatly like a tote, on a rocky outcrop you Birthday Goat! So much, you devote, to your strong constitution and self-

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By Bini sufficiency. In the nouveau year, do not let your moody broody side quench your wit, and also lend your strong shoulder to lean on and maybe even a tit.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Third Eye from the sum of two, you have three. Your unusual and mystical knowledge is abundant.

Allow yourself to be magnificent by giving the people what they want. If they want frosted nuts, give them frosted nuts. Then go back to being aloof. You rock!

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes You believe that anything worth doIng is worth overdoing. As in Sex, Drugs, and rock n’ roll, it is more like peels, dregs, and wet dance poles, temperance PI! All those hours strutting upon the stage, your sensitive feet need only to bend to the babbling bubbles.

Slip into a silky spa and repeat adieu to all your corns, bunions, and foot rot. Lay it on thick this New Year PI, no light moisturizer here! You are budding pro.

It was so cold: Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

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January 2017

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CONSPIRACY THEORIES The Website For The Well Informed Paranoiac

by Roger Freed Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week: Conspiracy Theory #3,482 - Valiant researchers have discovered that dentists around the world have been weaving minute, low grade diamonds into

the threads of dental floss for years. These small specks of the hardest mineral known to man slowly erode the base of teeth with each flossing, eventually leading to the destruction of the enamel protecting their sensitive core.

Once ruined these teeth provide the dentists with a guaranteed returning customer base. The more teeth filed down by the compromised dental floss, the more the chairs outside their office are filled with fretting patients. Conspiracy Theories wishes to have these dastardly demolishers of dentin dynamics taken down and dropped into the deepest, dingiest dungeon for their destructive deceptions. And

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

throw in the floss manufacturers for their disgraceful display of depraved deviance as well.

To imagine that this atrocity happened upon American soil makes it all that grimmer of a conspiracy. Who needs terrorists when you have professional of your own kind willing to destroy your head from the inside

Most Americans regard the cultured milk product as ‘sissy food’ or weird. out with unscrupulous means?

Conspiracy Theory #583 Scientists have uncovered a dastardly plot by foreign yogurt makers who are putting an especially aggressive bacteria into their products. The bacteria Lactobacillicus is a live entity that is a necessary part of a healthy intestine. This bacteria keeps the intestines functioning correctly and aid in digestion. The stronger agent being added has such a voraciousness that after digesting

the food matter in the intestines it turns and starts feeding on the body itself, causing pains and organ malfunction. The purpose of this devious undertaking is to weaken and undermine the yuppie element of America who are the main yogurt eaters of America. Most Americans regard the cultured milk product as ‘sissy food’ or weird. The thinking of the evil yogurt producers is that by crippling the yuppies who are the main force behind the computer and high tech industry that they will be helping to sabotage the entire economy of the United States. We hope that this exposé will lead to an investigation of these international ‘gut-busters.’

This is but another example of a domestic terrorist plot to help cripple America. Imagine segments of our upper class people all clutching their stomachs in raw agony, screaming for intestinal mercy. The ramifications of this underhanded act of sabotage could be far reaching. Attacks upon the upper class yogurt eaters could cripple such vital industries as modeling agencies, computer app developers and shopping mall designers.

Such underhanded vileness has rarely been fostered upon the American public.

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It was so cold: We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.

Answers on page 20

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Happy New Emojis

January 2017

By Debbie Harris It’s time to face another new year and I’m proud to say that for women, a new day is dawning.

If you missed it, I’ll refresh your memory. In July of last year, Google announced that it had added several new female professionals to its palate of emojis. Yes ladies, we’ve made it.

Forget having a female president, receiving equal pay for equal work, or having a judicial system that takes sexual assault seriously.

Now we can top off our text messages to our BFFs, with a picture of a female welder. Holy progress, Bat Girl!

Other female professional emojis now available are a doctor, a farmer, and a scientist. While I’m all for representing women in any role they occupy and aspire to with all the empowerment that goes with it, do these emojis really represent the reality of women’s lives in 2017? How about a “dressed for work in the dark so as not to wake the family” emoji woman, who is wearing striped olive green slacks, a red and white polka dot blouse, and her husband’s navy blue blazer? And maybe two black shoes that are different styles?

What about a “mother of toddlers” emoji, a woman with unkempt hair and a pallid face from living on coffee and leftovers from her kids’ plates? How about a “works too much woman” emoji, showing a feminine face with huge bags under the eyes? How about “PMS woman,” who is sobbing and screaming at the same time?

Google believes that emojis appeal more to women under 30, so to represent that age

group, maybe they should have a “tattooed and pierced to the hilt” emoji, a woman with nose, eyebrows, and lip piercings with a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for peace on her cheek. How about a “never stops looking at her electronic device” woman, who bumps into buildings as she walks down the street looking at her cell phone?

Maybe Google could widen the spectrum of emoji appeal with emojis for women in more advanced stages of life.

For any age group we could have the “coping woman” emoji, a woman with a Dove bar in one hand and a glass of Chardonnay in the other. Another possibility is a “self-defense woman” emoji, a female face with eyes that shift from side to side suspiciously and

when you click on her nose, she pepper sprays you.

Maybe Google could widen the spectrum of emoji appeal with emojis for women in more advanced stages of life. They could have a “menopausal woman” emoji, whose face is beet red with drips of sweat pouring down.

Or maybe a “bifocal grandma,” wearing thick glasses with a line across the center. What about a “cougar” emoji, showing a wrinkle-faced, heavily made-up woman with teased hair wearing a slinky outfit with a younger guy on her arm? How about “abandoned grandma at the nursing home”?

She could be a blue-haired lady staring into space with a tear rolling down her cheek.

To all the woman who don’t have an emoji that represents them, hang in there; our day may come. And to all Foolish Times readership, may 2017 be your best year yet. Happy New Year!

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Q. What’s a good holiday tip?

A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?

A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call an old snowman?

A. Water!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. Why did Frosty have a carrot in his nose?

A. Because he forgot where the refrigerator was.

Q. Why are there only snow men and not snow women?

A. Because only men are dumb enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

It was so cold: We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

Q. What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?

A. Frost bite!

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January 2017

www.foolishtimes.net performed “almost daily” at around 3 a.m. A spokesperson told the London Evening Standard that the timing was necessary because that is when evil spirits are most likely to be present.

Scientific Breakthroughs

By Chuck Shepherd

Torch Passed to a New Body-Modification Exemplar • Eva Tiamat Medusa, 55, of the Phoenix area, has almost completed her journey (she calls it “transspecieism”) to become a “mythical beast”—like a dragon video-game character —through purposeful facial scarring, surgical implants and even removal of both ears. “Tiamat” was born Richard Hernandez before becoming female and now sports such features as reptilianstyle skin “scales,” green-colored “whites” of the eyes, “horns” on her forehead and, of course, breasts. (However, she is perhaps so far satisfied with one part, as she is still a “pre-op” transsexual.)

Government in Action • The Pentagon admitted recently that it has no way to know how many parts or devices are in its equipment inventory— except by going through its estimated 30 million contracts (on the textunsearchable electronic database) one by one. For a recent Freedom of Information request from a software developer (for the Pentagon’s number of “HotPlug” power-extenders for computers), it quoted a retrieval price of $660 million to cover 15 million hours of work.

• Wait, What? The most recent problem with the Defense Department’s prospective, ultramodern F-35 fighter jet, revealed in March, is that its “radar

control” sometimes malfunctions and that system updates will not be ready until 2020. In the interim, an Air Force official advised that, as a workaround, the radar could be turned off and then back on again (similar to restarting a glitchy computer).

Leading Economic Indicators • Inequality on Parade: The city council in Palo Alto, California, trying to retain some of its Silicon Valley non-millionaires, proposed a subsidy plan in March to help with steep housing costs. In a town where tiny homes sell for $2 million (and are immediately knocked down and rebuilt), subsidies will be available even to families earning $250,000 a year.

(2) In February, a family court in England reduced the childsupport payments from hedge fund financier Christopher Rokos to the mother of his 7-year-old son from the equivalent of about $17,000 a month to about $11,300 —though that amount includes more than $1,200 a month for “wine” (perhaps, in case the kid is a handful).

Latest Religious Messages • In March, Kingdom Church, in the south London district of Camberwell, was fined the equivalent of about $10,900 by the Southwark Council for its amplified music and incessant “loud preaching,” ritually

• Downloads and Uploads: A new weight-loss device being tested in the U.S. (“AspireAssist”) is billed as a less-expensive alternative to bariatric surgery, with the ability to evacuate up to 30 percent of recently eaten food from the stomach before digestion. A tube, through a port in the stomach, sucks (“aspirates”) the food.

O Canada!

• Latest Behavior Standards: The town council in Bracebridge, Ontario, approved a new municipal bylaw in March ending existing prohibitions on people

engaging in “yelling, shouting, hooting or similar noises.” (Other noise controls, such as on audio devices, or by humans between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., remain in effect.)

The Underrated Goldfish • Veterinarian Tristan Rich, in Melbourne, Australia, was credited in March with saving the life of a 9-year-old goldfish (“Bubbles”) by removing its brain tumor. Dr. Rich had to first figure out how to keep Bubbles out of water long enough to operate, but finally rigged a contraption to continually splash water over the gills. This was Dr. Rich’s second heroic goldfish surgery. (Bubbles’ breed was not reported; ordinary goldfish can be purchased for less than $1.)

Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd, distributed

by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

MAKE ME

Buy them while they are alive. There is nothing tastier than a crab that is kicking and pinching.

Remember they are not your pets!

Cooking your Crabs 1. In a large pot, add an inch of water and a half can of beer 2. Drink the rest of the beer while bringing to a boil 3. Place crab on a steamer rack, belly down in pot. Cover 4. Lower flame and steam for 15 minutes. Drink another beer 5. Remove crab with tongs

Cleaning your Crabs This requires concentration so stop drinking beer at this time 1. Remove the outer shell 2. Peel off the spongy gills from sides of the body 3. Rinse out the guts and all the gook in the center

Happy eating! Can also be served cold

January 2017

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teMPle beth el sIsterhooD

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PASTRAMI OR CORNED BEEF SANDWICH, COLE SLAW, DILL PICKLE, AND CAKE. tickets available in advance or at the door.

Free DelIVery In salInas WIth Pre-PaID orDer oF 15 or More sanDWIches.

Pickup and Delivery orders must be paid by 5 PM tuesDay, January 31st.

TEMPLE BETH EL • 1212 Riker Street at Blanco Road • Salinas

For tickets, delivery or information call 831.424.9151 www.templebethelsalinas.org

DINE-IN or TAKE-OUT

21 Soledad Drive Monterey (in the Monte Vista Shopping Center)

www.saritatogo.com | 831.350.0555 Open daily: 7:30am-9pm *Cannot be combined with other discounts.

Valid Tues-Fri. Offer expires 1.31.2017. Limit to one per table.

Great Selection of Local Wine & Craft Beer

Expires January 31st, 2017

Homemade Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

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January 2017

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January 2017

Greeter of the Human Race ….continued

By Laura “LA” Sottile

House of the Fairies I didn’t actually see us becoming New Fools. With the political climate wrapped in a holiday donut loop I felt I could shield myself inside a fruit roll. Soon enough though the political petulance turned it into fly paper!

This pervasive reality urged me to start running again. Running much further than Forrest Gump ever did! I tried to free myself from the toxic dump by camping at the Fountain of Fata Morgana in Grassina, Bagno a Ripoli in Tuscany, also known as the House of Fairies, a fountain of Youth.

At least I can be luminous when screaming, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMOOOOOOOORE!”

My nymphs, fairies, and other magical creatures are hearing me here in Tuscany and are springing up to greet me. I came to find answers amonsgt my ancestors.

I shall hope this spring water will not only rejuvenate me, but also illuminate. Fireflies breezing around my head. I attempt to focus on their antennae…They are meant to stay illusive…like hope.

I stand on a pebbly sottile path in front of this pink bagno al fresco and suddenly a superior mirage of 3 women in beautifully colorful garb appear. I hear their melodic voices kvetching. These 3 women are interested in who I am. I am a chimp with 3 Jane Goodall’s. Remember when we used to be curious about each

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other? Oh, what a marvel that was. We all hugged and kissed each other. This is how to greet each other on a hill in the pink glow of an ancient archway. There was so much glorious commotion and connection that I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss any details.

I straight away honored the gift of gab by introducing my Talking Stick given to me by Great Chief Blue Cloud. I explained that when you hold the stick it’s your turn to speak. They all laughed loudly and squeezed me even harder.

Marilisa waved the stick in the air to express her need to hit a certain person over the head with it. Tromfietta pretended it was a magic wand, and Giordana used it as a book mark in her gigantic book on how to convert grain into flour without removing the stem from the flower. I let go of the Talking Stick because I knew thaumaturgy was at play.

Unfettered opinions sprang up about the WH sound in English. “These unused letters are frivolous and there is so much to exchange with each other that no breath should be wasted.”

Expressed the Queens of the day! I went ahead to explain the germanic root. A dead silence and then boisterous laughter, it made no difference.

I even told them my glorious experience in Germany with wearing sexy Lederhosen and eating the best Bratwurst ever!

An abrupt silence and then pierced with joy…tapped on the back by Marilisa with a shining smile, “This is ITALY she said!” I understood. Food is an entirely separate subject that is sacred to all who live to EAT.

15

We talked about the gorgeous pink structures of Fata Morgana.

How the towns name being Grassina reminded me of endless tiny grasses such as in a Monet.

We laughed and I was spit on.

I thought at first that it was the fountain, but that had stopped bubbling back in the 1700s. But it was Tromphietta that had an enormous amount of saliva. Her companions explained that all her words gather like moss and plant seeds for future discussions.

I watched the three Queens of Fata Morgana leave and carrying gifts that will travel afar for field and fountain moor and mountain following a new star! My chest felt like sand and I let out a big sigh.

A new language transpired here. This new language was not about an external itinerary or equating glamour with success. A bewildering alternative compared to this organic concatenation.

These were magical creatures!

They were people. Nothing stood between us.

Not even a thoughtless conformity that a meme could smudge upon us disguising itself a fancy crepe and tempting us into a desert instead of a dessert.

I’m nurturing several blisters from running so much! BUT nothing compared to the gigantic boil that is swelling through out our beautiful planet. Let’s remember our resilience! If I fiddle with change, I will only have idol chatter. Make NOISE I SAY! (Gather Pins.) EQUALITY is connection & EVERY PROCESS depends on the other! That’s why we need a RECOUNT! Penny Arcay just told me I am getting preachy sneachy… Most often she’s right.

God Bless and have a Happy Strong New Year!

LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com

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January 2017

THE ANSWER IS…the arts!

Civilizations come and go. They can self-destruct, or they can fall prey to plagues, wars and natural disasters. But, for the most part, they’ll leave their art behind.

Cave paintings hint at Paleolithic society. The Hellenistic era is remembered more for its Venus de Milo than its marking of postAlexander history. The average modern American might not have a clue what was happening in Austria during the late 1700s, but we’ve been transformed by Mozart.

“When you study ancient civilizations, you look at their music, theatre and art as a way to understand that civilization,” says Bridgett Spicer, an artist from Salinas. “We understand ourselves through art. Artists are mirrors to our own society.”

The legacies of our time and place are now being written.

And, fortunately, the history of Monterey County is abundant in art and culture.

The unique handprints found within remote caves in the Los Padres National Forest were not the accidental smears of native Esselen society, but archeologists believe they are stylized signatures of self-expression by those who painted them.

Centuries later, the writer Robinson Jeffers reflected on those handprints in a poem he called Hands: “There’s no one to say Whether the brown shy quiet people who are dead intended Religion or magic, or made their tracings

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In the idleness of art; but over the division of years these careful Signs-manual are now like a sealed message Saying: ‘Look: we also were human; we had hands, not paws.’ ”

Monterey County has always been a refuge and source of inspiration for writers, sculptors, painters, poets and actors, from Jeffers to Armin Hansen, from Henry Miller to Laura Maxwell, from John Steinbeck to Belle Yang.

“The most vibrant communities have a strong art scene,” says Spicer.

Signs of the ongoing cultural tradition can be found everywhere in Monterey County. Muralist John Cerney’s familiar work dots the four corners of the county, while Juan Ortiz’ colorful murals brighten up East Salinas neighborhoods. Big Sur remains an inspirational refuge for musicians, writers and actors.

Museums and symphonies on the Monterey Peninsula are sustained with active community support.

The arts are not only important to the legacy of the county, but they have a more immediate impact. In a study conducted earlier this year, the Arts Council of Monterey County estimated the value of “creative-cultural” endeavors pumped more than $1.2 billion into the local economy, employing nearly 7,400 people.

The financial estimates derive from the full range of artistic endeavor — artists, stage directors, symphony conductors, etc. — and those who benefit indirectly, including restaurant workers and taxi drivers.

The Arts Council helps

www.foolishtimes.net coordinate, fund and promote many dozens of arts and cultural ventures, including school programs that inspire budding artists.

The council will honor eight residents who have made a significant difference with their work and their support during its annual Champions of the Arts Gala this month at the Portola Hotel and Spa in Monterey.

Among those to be celebrated will be Alan Silvestri of Carmel Valley, a film composer who has won three Grammys and two Emmys, and who has been nominated for Oscars and Golden Globes during a Hollywood career spanning 31 years.

Other local people and organizations that will be recognized will be Melissa ChinParker, artistic director for The Western Stage; Xochitecpatl Victor Juarez, leader of the Yaocuauhtili Cultural Dance group; Peggy Carroll, music instructor and bandleader at Washington Middle School in Salinas; South County Strings, an affiliate of Youth Music Monterey; Richard Bains, chair of the Music and Performing Arts Department at CSU Monterey Bay; and Donald and Lois Mayol, philanthropists who have long supported the region’s most prestigious classical music organizations.

For more information about the gala or to purchase tickets, see www.arts4mc.org.

Cold inside? Just stand in a corner, they’re usually 90 degrees.

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2017

Face to Face FOOL CURB on the

What better place than Salinas Comic-Con to ask foolish questions.

By Rosie Sorenson A few weeks ago, I was riding BART from San Francisco to the East Bay during rush hour when a young man who differed from me by generation and ethnicity took the seat next to mine.

I set aside my Time Magazine and said to him, “How’s your day going?” And with that, we embarked on a 40-minute conversation, him talking and me mostly listening. I did not take this as oh, here we go again—the man is dominating the conversation, but rather as an opportunity to give him the benefit of my attention and my ability to listen.

He told me that instead of going to college, he had pursued an apprenticeship and now had a high-paying construction job. He told me he was divorced and still not happy about that. He said his wife complained that he never listened to her. He said he told her that he’d been busy providing for her and their daughter and that when he got home he was tired.

He was beginning to realize that if he’d done things differently, he might still be married. Now he was worried that he may be making the same mistake with

his new girlfriend. The more he revealed, the more I listened, the more he shared.

My first point here is to remind us that most of our fellow humans are starved for someone’s attention, to feel seen and heard, if only for a short BART ride.

My second point is that we need more face time with real people and less screen time with our devices. Facebook is not necessarily our friend. Some studies show that the more people use it, the more likely they are to become depressed. Emojis can never supplant the beating heart of human emotion.

I’m reminded of what Eric Hoffer once said, “You can never get enough of what you don't (really) need . . .”

And what we really need, especially now, is one warm human to listen to our story. It’s the perfect gift for both of us.

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It was so cold: We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up! The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!

1) If you could live in a book, TV show or movie?

2) If you could change one law?

3) Time travel, past or present?

Athena 1) Coming to America. I know the dance moves.

2) I love to speed although I know it’s dangerous.

I would want to change the speed limit near my house.

3) Past

Rebecca 1) Game of Thrones because I want to be a dragon and spit fire.

2) Parking on the street. There would be a central parking lot in the middle of town. I thought about this my whole life.

3) Past

Ally 1) Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children.

It’s a book and a movie.

2)They just made weed legal so they changed a law for me.

3) Future

Marisa 1) The Harry Potter Series. The books, the books!

2) The cell phone law, the hands free law.

3) Definitely future. I want to see what my kids are in for.

Tina 1) Supernatural. I want to drive the car.

2) Laws on Adoption. It’s hard for siblings under 25 to adopt their younger siblings.

3) The past. I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born in the 30’s or 40’s.

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January 2017

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Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

Drowning in Diplomacy January is here, glad that 2016 mess is over. After everything we have been through as a society and country I have earned my top shelf alcohol consumption, endured, and survived. Thank you, Gloria Gaynor. I too, was afraid and petrified, but then I grew strong, and learned how to get along.

Last year felt like Mercury was in retrograde the whole time, and yet many have learned nothing, less than a darn might be an understatement.

Last year felt like Mercury was in retrograde the whole time, and yet many have learned nothing, less than a darn might be an understatement. This is America and even a bad day in America

is still better than a good day in many other countries (I know this, I lived in other countries).

Times are tough all over the world. It is important to be aware of our surroundings; you have to stay awake to stay alive. Social media has disconnected us from the real world and old-fashioned human interaction. We only see what we like with all sentiments aside and the side some people choose to flaunt makes me wonder about whom they really are.

I downsized friends on Facebook and I will continue deleting until all I see in my news feed is cats and puppy videos again. Do not get the wrong idea; I am all for engaging in a vigorous and civilized debate. I like to give my brain some exercise, cardio for the mind, keep it oxygenized.

However, others lack said ability, they refuse and deny, not just insane in the membrane, hermetic in the brain; they get emotional, then they throw personal attacks, they get nasty, but they are not Ms. Jackson so I do not need their lack of ability to rebuttal and dumb negativity to cloud my sunshine.

Thus, I remove their ability to pry around and not like any of my awesome selfies and inspirational landscape pictures, which is what haters do; they scroll down, pass your best angle, thought provoking sunsets and most pictures of delicious meals.

Well no, say I. Not on my watch, not after I went through all that trouble to find the perfect filter to accentuate my delineated jawline and emphasize the scrumptiousness of my nutritious chow enough to make you crave it, “love it,” even. That is what them virtual hearts be all about.

I feel like I should have some type of Hip Hop or R&B music in the background here, maybe I too, have been spending most of my life living in a gangsta’s paradise. Then I could also drop my mic, sorry sound guy. #collateraldamage Anyway, it’s a new year to let go of the past and move on, do not let

it fester inside and hold you back.

We have a new administration that will try that. Educate yourself, inform yourself and for the sake of all of us do not wreck yourself, it’s not even gangster, Tupac will not write a song about that.

To conclude: be less of a jerk, and strive for personal progress.

The damage is done, we must now heal together, but we have to start with ourselves. Perhaps you think you are not going to be immediately affected by any of the changes, but if you could step outside of yourself for a minute, you will realize how you already are. Ah. We cannot pedal back, and the Titanic cannot unsink itself. The fittest will survive, adapt and overcome. Bonus: they will not brag about it on social media. It is ok for good deeds to go unliked.

It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pyjamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

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January 2017

Shopping Frenzy and

New Year’s Resolutions

by Rex Keyes Well, 2016 is now gone, but in December, millions of Americans were in a buying frenzy. One only had to go shopping a week or two before Christmas to see this hysteria. Just about all the stores were packed with people buying things. Even the dollar stores on the weekend before Christmas had long lines. FedEx and UPS stated that prior to Christmas because of the huge increase in demand in online shopping that they couldn’t necessarily guarantee on time deliveries. There might not be anything or very little left for after Christmas sales.

It seemed to be that electronics were in the biggest demand. One parent that I talked to said that his kid who was about 12 wanted above all else, a smartphone.

That’s the modern generation now. Probably in 10 to 20 years there will be robots available that will be in high demand. Heck, we already have a robot vacuum cleaner and in the future, say, in about 50 years, one could buy a robot companion and program it to one’s likes and then no one would have to get married as it would replace a human spouse.

And if one wanted to get a divorce all one would have to do is trade it in on a younger model, excuse me, a newer model.

So you survived visiting your relatives and the in-laws and the big Christmas dinner and the New Year’s Eve party. Well, everything is back to normal with the beginning of the new year. Or is it? What about all those New Year’s resolutions? Are you going to accomplish them?

There’s quitting smoking, losing

weight, getting more exercise, climbing Mt. Everest or Toro Peak, cleaning the cat’s litter box more often, not speeding in your sports car (buy a radar detector just in case you forget and enter

So you survived visiting your relatives and the in-laws and the big Christmas dinner and the New Year’s Eve party. a speed trap), cutting back a little on all those Frappuccinos at Starbucks, not texting while driving (the toughest resolution), maybe taking a shower more than once or twice a week, not leaving dirty dishes in the sink for a day or two, not getting any more than the ten tattoos you already have, carrying a plastic bag to pick up your dog’s poop when you take him for a walk, maybe cutting those two foot high weeds on your front lawn and removing all the debris that’s there (mini junkyard) to make your neighbors happy, and if your kids are in their 20s, not going to college or don’t have a job and are staying at home have them do some of your resolutions like cleaning the cat box, walking the dog with a bag to pick up the poop, mow, pull weeds and clean up the front yard and wash the dishes in the sink, etc., etc.. This should give you peace of mind.

All in all, the best resolution is to be happy and have fun throughout the New Year!

GOING POSTAL • Parents mailed children if they met the 11 pound weight limit • Pony Express riders had to swear on the Bible not to curse • Elvis is the best-selling commemorative stamp • 6,000 mailmen are chased, attacked or bitten by a dog each year • Real people (REC) are responsible for deciphering terrible handwriting when automated systems fail

Happy Birthday to “The King of Rock and Roll” Answers on pg 20

Elvis Presley Hound Dog Tupelo Heartbreak Hotel Rockabilly Las Vegas Hawaii Sun Records Priscilla Blue Suede Shoes Jailhouse Rock Lisa Marie

19

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January 2017

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Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 8

Foolish Search A young woman got lost driving in a Lake Tahoe snowstorm.

A snowplow passed, so she started following it. After 30 minutes, the plow stopped, and the driver asked what she was doing.

“My father always told me that if I got lost in a snowstorm, I should follow a plow,” the woman said.

“Oh,” the driver replied. “Well, I’m almost done with this parking lot. If you want, you can follow me over to the next one.”

Answers from page 19

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January 2017

21

RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN ACTUALLY KEEP

• Stop exercising. Waste of time.

• Buy lottery tickets at a luckier store.

• Start washing hands after using the restroom.

• Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

• Stop wasting time reliving the past; instead spend it worrying about the future.

Beautiful in Its Time

By Ted Gargiulo If I could name one toy that best defined my childhood experience—one gizmo that fascinated me more than all the other tricks in my repertoire—it would be my jack-in-the-box. I did so love that toy…for a season.

The box really did seem magical. Like it could divine the future, or transport me to other worlds.

The ingenuity of its design, all that bright, colorful pizzazz painted on the exterior, so fired my imagination when I first beheld it. The box really did seem magical. Like it could divine the future, or transport me to other

worlds. All it did, however, was play “Pop Goes the Weasel.” First, you had to crank the handle; otherwise the blame thing just sat there and stared at you. When you reached the Pop! in the song, the top flew open and a clown jumped out. Surprise! Grab your heart!

Fetch the nitro!

Several thousand repetitions later, old Jack (if I may be so familiar), didn’t seem so magical anymore, especially after I pulled it apart and discovered how it worked. Attached to the handle was a small rubber cylinder with nibs that plucked a set of musical wires when cranked. A release lever on top of the box was activated by the portion of the cylinder that corresponded with Pop! The clown was mounted on a large spring that remained under

pressure inside the box while the lid was closed. The moment the cylinder triggered the release, the lid sprang open and…well, you know the rest. Underneath the frills and the pretense: a masterpiece of monotony. A gimmick.

Jack was my introduction to the world of same-old-same-old.

Crank it fast, crank it slowly—the outcome never varied. Crank the song with the door open, and you could watch the release lever move back and forth on cue without the clown getting in the way. Whoa!

Crank it backwards, and nothing at all happened. Double whoa!!

A clever contraption, perhaps, but not much of a heart stopper once you stripped it of its devices.

I thought if I pretended not to know the toy’s secret, if I tried suspending my disbelief, then maybe, just maybe the magic would return. But the season of make believe had run its course.

I knew too much. There was no going back, Jack.

Knowledge is such a killer. It certainly devastated Adam and

Eve, once they had eaten of the forbidden fruit. “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked.”

Eureka, our weasel has popped!

(I’m just paraphrasing; they didn’t really say that.) So what did they do? They sewed fig leaves together to hide their nakedness. And behold: fashion was born! An endless array of magical facades to adorn the imagination, to trick illusion seekers on both sides of the fabric into believing that they don’t know the ugly, boring truth inside. See? In the words of Solomon, “There’s nothing new under the sun.”

Today, instead of playthings, I have photos of relatives, long deceased, whose inner mechanisms I uncovered years ago. Many of them, like my toy box, played the same song their entire lives. Even now, I study their images, hoping in vain to recapture an era long past—before enlightenment, before death— when I didn’t know Jack, and the world still surprised me.

22

January 2017

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog which has been barking in their backyard for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.”

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”

The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it!

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor.

“You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”

“No, silly,” the blonde said.

“First I put the gun to my chest,

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and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants... I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said, “Clean Restrooms 8 Miles.”

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.

It was so cold ... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

A blind man wanders into the Crown & Anchor, orders a shot of whiskey and yells to the bartender, “Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The woman next to him says, “Given the fact that you are blind, I feel there are a few things you should know.”

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a black belt.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

4 The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No ... not if I have to explain it four times.”

Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2017

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