Foolish Times January 2019

January 2019

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TIO N! MIE RE EDI Col lect or's PRE EE’S LARRAB DANA B.

DESTROYS

RATED

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

WRITTEN, PRODUCED, DIRECTED AND DR AWN

BY THE SALINAS VALLEY’S OWN

DANA B. LARRABEE

New Laws in 2019 » Pg. 19 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

It COULD ONLY HAPPEN in the F O O L I S H T I M E S !

DANA B. LARRABEE’S “GODZELDA DESTROYS SALINAS”

C 2019

ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

Alw ays FRE E!

Godzelda Destroys Salinas » Pg. 15

2

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3

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool........................Jonah Dee Cover Art By Ashley Osborne

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks So what’s new? It’s January 2019 and looking around, not much has changed.

The sun rises, the sun sets. The sea lions are still waking me up around 4am and I’m too dumb to move. Actually I’m too cold. With the cold air coming down from Canada, I say forget the wall.

Let’s weather strip our northern border.

So here we are face to face with another fresh start. I thought I had a bright idea but was told it was just beginners luck. Whatever you want to call it, we’re excited for change.

Dana B. Larrabee starts his yearlong episodes of Godzelda, the monster that destroyed Salinas. Now we know what happened to Salinas. We’ve added a Community Shout Out page with nothing but good news and information. Bad news is when the Boy

Scout only helps the old lady half way across the street. We go the full distance. Welcome back Mary Tompsett…DILLIGS! Become a bona fide busker and join Michael’s band at the Tuesday farmers market.

Don’t quit your day job!

There will be more cartoons and rotating features along with our regular ensemble of pranksters and contributors. We hope this brings more happiness to your lives. When happiness shows up, give it a warm cozy seat to read Foolish Times.

So let’s get this party started and welcome in the New Year. We’re sharpening our wit and proving that it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

Happy 2019.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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www.foolishtimes.net

4 “Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said, “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!”

Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after three hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.

Mary was livid!

“Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”

“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKES THREE HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?

Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll. “Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?”

“Sure do” said Sam. “Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over! I’m divorcing her!”

Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!”

Harry stopped walking and and turned to Sam. “Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing.

Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?” “They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”

So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.

“Excuse me,” said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?”

“As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim. “Do me a favor, my husband left to America two months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”

Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim

be

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“that was easy.” Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk, “Do you have a John here?”

“Second door on the left,” was her reply.

Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked. “Yes” came the mystified reply. “Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”

January Budget

5

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Chilled wines & champagne.

Wine tasting room.

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Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet-friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts.

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A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

WINE

BBQ

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available.

Carmel 831.624.3821

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse Open Christmas Day The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

6

7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram This Culture of Unavailability is really BUSY gettin’ your Goat! Or RAM! Spinning your passionate ideas like a pinwheel in a tornado, is how you get the job done. But, when the team doesn’t show up and the wind blows a whining call, you are delayed and alone. Wear a Tuxedo in Antartica and huddle with the masses that live for each other. Listen carefully because these folks know how efficient the swaying motion compared to a static walk is. A New Year white out.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Idol Chatter has brought you to the bleachers instead of the bull ring.

You can cheer at fame, but you’re not in the action. An idol worship, a Paris Hilton of sorts, an edifice of empty space distorting the truth of success has distracted you from dodging the arrow! Funny that, you were sitting this one out. You only got a booboo this time. Take the bull by the horns and snort your way into the arena. You can keep the rose clenched between your teeth for some Glam!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins All the World’s the Weather! What does that mean? Cause and effect.

Detect and eject all negativity, past or present. Whatever you focus on grows like lichen. Especially when it feels as though you are confetti on the rubber soul of a giant wall of woes. May sound bleak, t’is not, t’is neat, t’is clear as the starry night of winter, where all stars and GEMS shine humbly in their glory as one.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A junkyard of hormones! At the stroke of midnight your integrity may crack into a mosaic rigamarole. Your sideways functions require forward development. In other words “balance” is being questioned. You are an emotional intersection, even your car alarm plays Auld Lang Syne all year round? Refine your chemical core and mimic twilight as it distills what lies in-between the cracks.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Royal Poverty! The Kingy and Queeny thing is a bit outdated.

Fed up with running the kingdom?

Everyone needs a little help.

You demand forthrightly that the populace ought to think for themselves! You even called for the Wizard of Ought, but she was out. You could easily lead this movement. Start small by spraying your territory to keep the castle grounds your own. Then join a chamber orchestra and start banging that bass drum!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin A divine drive-thru! A thoroughfare of hugs. No clean wipes for you. This is the medicine needed to let go of your old “cooties” issue.

Don’t grab a tissue.! You don’t always have to be the straight man.

Let your belly be full of laughs, and stick your neck out like a Giraffe in the new year.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A toast to World Paint! Not always easy on the eyes and yet gritty graffiti has its face in society. You want to recast the world to your standards. You certainly paint a pretty picture. If only reality were silly putty. There is hope, the steam coming from your permafrost layers is melting the glaciers of your icy blue sharpness and evolving into sapphires of reflection. Footnote: Graffiti derived from the Italian Graffito definition is: Scratch me a new arse whole.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion This New Year write or be in a Shakespearean Sex Comedy! You are so driven, ride with excitement, the streamers and the sparklers that appear in your mysterious atmosphere. The Lightness of Being can also be obscene…Lose the headgear.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer People really like your sense of humor! You’re acceptance speech was really upbeat even with the subject being about an extinct escargot species. I bet you can make E=mc2 feel and sound like Times Square! Your mass energy equivalent is buoyant enough to drop the ball and celebrate a new beginning all at the stroke of 12/2016 squared.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Happy tortes on your birthday cavorts! Storms of the past have passed and you are agile with wings on heels. Still, in your most civilized personality mode, your undercurrent of turbulence is felt.

So speak up in the moment that way you won’t blurt a bunch of blah and bleh and get your panties all in a wreck! FATHER Time is on your side, now glide.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A beaming humanitarian intended to keep on smiling through humanity’s endless faux-pas. Have you succumb to Botox in order to maintain such a beguiling simper? This would certainly be a Trashedy!

Your progressive thinking could scarcely reinvent muscle memory of this caliber. Just think of all the trials of redemption imbedded in your skin’s history! I know you deplore repetitive details, so get a secretary.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes In this New Year aligning with your porpoise is essential. The gravitational pull is from this new found confidence. Congratulate your intensive reflective work on self. (If the other signs would reflect it would be quite a nice gift, but don’t hold your gills.) Einstein, your fellow fishy, he too was an outcast at first. You will be dancing all through the countdown.

General theory is you’re an in a hot state and it’s going to be a Big Bang YEAR! *All Italicized titles belong to Bini’s (Laura Sottile) Short Stories

8

By Rex Keyes

More of the Holidays

Well, we just went through the holidays with a lot of activities like Christmas shopping, setting up decorations in and outside the house, installing and decorating a Christmas tree, visiting relatives, taking down and storing all the decorations for next year and attending a Christmas and New Year’s party. Man that is a lot of work and good exercise.

When shopping there is usually a lot of exercise done by walking around looking for Christmas gifts. By putting up and then storing decorations that is a lot of bending down and stretching.

And at the parties there is a lot of moving to rock and roll music.

Probably one didn’t have to go to the gym in December; all the exercises were accomplished preparing for the holidays.

Now that the holidays are over it’s back to the gym and doing regular exercises. Some of my friends who live on the eastern side of Washington State where it is very cold have a perfect place to go for their walking exercises.

They go to the mall to walk and whether it’s snowing or raining outside, the weather is always the same in the mall. Even on hot

days, in the summer, it is cool in the mall. They even have a restaurant there where they can take a break after the walking exercise and get their energy back by drinking a Frappuccino, a latte or an espresso or two.

Now that the holidays are over it’s back to the gym and doing regular exercises.

I wonder if anyone took advantage of some of the holiday items on sale. For instance there was a lot of candy and chocolate on sale during the holidays.

We bought about five boxes of different chocolate brands to last us into March. We will have to be somewhat conservative for them to last that long. Actually they will probably just barely make it into the first part of February before they are all gobbled up.

It’s tough to fight the chocolate weakness. But then there is Valentine’s Day where again chocolate candy goes on sale!!!

We went to Costco around

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

noon the Friday before Christmas and it was so packed I guess a lot of people must have taken that day off. Every cash register was open with lines. Every table at the food court had people sitting down eating lunch. And when we went to our car after shopping, there instantly were cars waiting there for us to pull out. What I did was to get out of our car and direct my wife on backing out because of the number of cars going up and down the parking lot.

Sand City looked like a party place with all the food items, Christmas presents, clothes and liquor shoppers had in their carts.

And senior citizens, what does Santa bring them? Well, next time you see someone exit a parked sports car or a brand new car chances it is probably a senior citizen. They are basically their own Santas giving themselves the presents. And like Santa, when they talk to their reindeer, their new vehicle, they say, “Onward Chevy, Ford, Mazda, Lexus or Toyota.”

I heard Donald Trump wants to Make New Year’s Eve Great Again

License to Forget

By Robyn Justo When I was little I remembered everything. If you can imagine a five-year old in the back seat of the car on a road trip, clutching her pillow and asking (every five minutes). “How many more miles, Daddy?” and we hadn’t even gone a block.

Dad would usually be nutty by the end of the trip, but I was a living baby odometer and would remember what he told me the time before I asked. I also tended to get car sick so I really needed to know. Lucky for me (and for my parents) he made a lot of stops along the way.

I also remembered promises he made like he would give me the moon (still waiting) and that he would take me to fly a kite. He’s flying them way above Earth now because he didn’t have as many miles left as we thought, but we never had the chance to do it here. Mom would warn him that I would not forget his words and I never did.

These days, if memory serves, it ain’t servin’ me. Maybe it’s the age thing. I find things I bought that I don’t remember buying (fuggedabout it, forgot I bought it.)

This happened to a friend of mine in her mid-60s who recently received a “Beach Body Kit” in the mail that she apparently ordered consisting of a DVD, yoga mat and Styrofoam cylinder which supposedly transformed someone if they rolled on it.

“WHY????” I asked and she said, “Well, I don’t remember doing it!” I was hysterical but stifled it because she just had serious surgery and it hurt to laugh let alone roll around on a yoga mat with a cylinder.

I should talk. I have to pretend that I am two people living in my house. One is a well-intentioned, watchful warden who does intervention and the other is a forgetful me. The warden puts medications out in plain sight so that they are taken. When they are, the warden moves them back to the cabinet. Sometimes the warden makes me count the pills to make sure I took one.

Then sometimes I don’t trust the warden.

Same with the pre-bed routine. If I don’t brush my teeth and wash my face, I can’t sleep though the night. I should remember this as it has been

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body.

Please don’t mix it up like you did last year.

that way for years, so my utensils are all out at the sink and I sneak into my bed for just a few minutes thinking that I’ll do it later. Right. Hours go by, lights still on all over the house, face unwashed, teeth unbrushed, the warden standing there shaking her head as I stumble to the bathroom in a stupor in the middle of the night.

Memory foam mattresses remember more than I do. I don’t have one, but maybe I should get one.

Memory foam mattresses remember more than I do. I don’t have one, but maybe I should get one. Maybe it will give me a beach body if I roll on it.

The other day I could not remember Blake Shelton’s last name. Not sure why this was important, but it seemed to be at the time. Then I could not think of the word “syndicated” which is a very important word for a columnist and should actually be spelled $yndicated.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

9 I figured that my S-files had disappeared. My X-files surely had as I didn’t seem to remember much about a lot of my exes. My former husband contacted me recently and told me how much fun we used to have and I wanted to ask him, “WHO were you married to??” or in perfect English, “To WHOM were you married?” Either I forgot the reasons we were together or he forgot the reasons we weren’t! He’s my age.

I have notes everywhere like in the movie “Memento,” about a guy with five-minute, short term memory loss which was kind of funny when I saw it many years ago, but today not so much.

Who says that we have to remember everything? Maybe it’s better and healthier to remember why we got with someone in the first place rather than why we left.

One night during dinner at a restaurant, I recall asking my 85-year-old Mom at the time if she remembered the party we gave her there for her 80th birthday.

She scrunched up her face and said, “Not really. I don’t remember sh-t anymore.”

I giggled because I understood and could relate.

Then she threw up her hands in the air with a big smile on her face and exclaimed, “AND I DON’T HAVE TO!” So now when the warden refuses to allow me to forget, I have to remember that Mom gave me the license to do so.

A beach body isn’t important anymore and neither is washing my face. And if the warden doesn’t watch it, I’m going to lock her up in the medicine chest, forget I did it, disconnect my odometer, and head out on a road trip.

10

Mütterly Fascinating

By Sali

The elegant, historical building of the College of Physicians of Philadelphia houses the Mütter Museum. This is a collection of medical curiosities and scientific and thoughtprovoking exhibits relating to the human body, attitudes, and culture. It also has one of the country’s oldest medical libraries.

Philadelphia is the birthplace of American Medicine.

The museum was founded by Thomas Dent Mütter in 1858 when he donated a collection of anomalies, anatomic and pathological specimens and bizarre medical instruments. As a sickly orphan, he developed an interest in medicine. At 17, he enrolled in the University of Pennsylvania Medical School.

After graduating from Penn, Mütter followed the path of many American doctors of the time and continued his education among the surgeons of Paris. In early 19th century Philadelphia, you didn’t need a medical degree or a license to practice medicine.

Mütter was smart and ambitious and had a natural gift for teaching and practicing medicine.

He returned to America and

built a large private practice and revolutionized American surgery.

There are so many highlights and fascinating things to see. A woman they call the Soap Lady was exhumed in downtown Philadelphia in 1875 near Fourth and Race streets, when city improvements near a cemetery required some graves be exhumed. The mummy formed when water seeped into their casket and turned the body fat into adiopocere, a waxy soap-like substance. It’s the only display they loan out.

There is a Soap Man who was exhumed at the same time and is in the Smithsonian. However he is no longer on display due to his fragile conditions, which require climatically controlled storage.

Other highlights of the museum include Viennese physician Joseph Hyrtl’s(1810-1894) collection of 139 skulls. Each skull is mounted on a stand and many skulls are inscribed with comments about the person’s age, place of origin and cause of death. He wanted to disprove the claims of phrenologists, who held that cranial features were evidence of

intelligence and personality and that racial differences caused anatomical differences. The 139 skulls aren’t very talkative, so you would have to go and see for yourself who was right.

The Mütter is one of two places in the world where you can see pieces of Albert Einstein’s brain tissue. It’s also the place to see the tools invented

by Dr. Chevalier Jackson (1865-

1958) and the 2374 gross thing he extracted from a patient’s airway.

If you’re reading this during lunch, imagine what it would be like to have a nine-foot long forty pound colon. Yep, they have one on display. There are also shrunken heads and the recipe on how to make and preserve them.

Fascinating or gross, you decide but keep eating.

Entire bodies and skeletons, body parts and models of disease and deformity, whether natural or shaped by human hands (and perceptions of beauty), such as the skeletal foot that had undergone binding and a rib cage post-corseting.

There are jars of human skin and a book bound in human skin. The book was written in the 1700s and talks about how a

woman become pregnant and the stages of pregnancy. In the 1800s, a physician took skin from a woman’s thigh, boiled it and used it to bind the pages to create the book. If you can still hold down your lunch, there was an exhibit of art and textiles made with human hair.

The Civil War exhibit provides a grim reminder of the consequences of conflict, fighting and violence. There is an interactive element that brings the visitor back in time and onto the battlefield. The Civil War was not so civil when you see the large number of amputations and the methods of field surgery.

Although it might make one queasy, all can appreciate that bodies are subject to illness, questionable judgement, the elements and time. The exhibits are unique and memorable. Give yourself enough time to soak in all that is on display.

Philadelphia can be a trek for some readers but a worthwhile destination. It’s a friendly, well preserved historical city with a great public transportation system. Enjoy a birch beer with your cheesesteaks and pierogis.

And until February 3rd, the Eagles are still the Super Bowl champs.

Thank you Gillian and Elizabeth from the media and marketing department for being our guides and sharing your insight. We will return.

Follow the events at: muttermuseum.org.

Comfortably Insured

By T. Bone Bookworm Elvis has left the building. Except it’s really Scott. Now I wouldn’t be talking about Scott, but Scott’s not here because he is on a quest to find health insurance he can afford. And what a quest it’s been. The choices are limited, but they are also more complicated than Mark Twain’s Typesetting Machine.

“It’s been an odyssey of epic proportions,” Scott said, “I feel like Steinbeck on the Sea of Cortez. (Obviously Scott is very ecologically-minded.)

“The Old Man and the Sea had better luck than I’ve experienced looking for insurance,” Scott griped. It never ceases to amaze

me how much Scott knows about great American authors. Why once he even quoted Vonnegut, from Player Piano in F-sharp and then we had the Breakfast of Champions, but Stephen King had the last laugh when he said, “Either get busy living or get busy dying.”

I told him that he needed to get a checkup since his Tell-Tale Heart by Poe was beating out of his chest and it was just too loud for my poor ears. Then he told me that as Faulkner said, “The past is not dead, in fact, it’s not even past.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

Get Involved!

Family members can also become board members, join as non-rider members, donate a car, make a donation or help with fundraising. lTNMontereyCounty is a community nonprofit, there are numerous ways to get involved.

“You never really understand a person until you see things from their point of view.” Now you’re quoting Harper Lee? “Things are never as bad as they seem,” he retorted.

Now I’d finally had quite enough of Scott’s incessant quoting, so I sent him to my unquoted friend and magical insurance agent, Jay Cohen, and you know he found the most affordable insurance plan.

As Kurt Vonnegut said, “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt,” he quoted me later that day (yes, it doesn’t take longer than an hour). I rest my case.

11 Jay Cohen Insurance Services offers insurance plans for every age. The healthcare landscape is changing and he is with it and the best thing is, his consultation services are free. Visit www.

EveryonesCovered.com or call 831.521.1089 for all of your insurance needs.

New Year’s resolutions: A “to do” list for the first week of January.

TEMPLE BETH EL SISTERHOOD

KO S H E R -STY L E

LUNCH & BAKE SALE

Thursday, January 31st 8 AM – 6 PM 2019 or until sold out

Temple Beth El • 1212 Riker Street at Blanco Road • Salinas www.templebethelsalinas.org • 831.424.9151

Monterey: 831 233-3447 Salinas: 831 240-0850 ITNMontereyCounty.org Supported by Members and Donors • Independent Transportation Network Monterey County A 501(c)(3) Non-Profit Organization

Pickup in Monterey or Carmel Valley with advance purchase.

Tickets available in advance or at the door. Free delivery in Salinas with pre-paid order of 15 or more sandwiches. Pickup and delivery orders must be paid by 5pm Tuesday, January 29th.

12

By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS !?

Resolutions & Other Pipe Dreams

Once again, we’ve spent the last weeks of the year singing about rockin’ the night away in a onewhore sleigh. So much for family values. But we’ve left 2018, an even year, and now dip our toes into 2019, an odd one. Gimme a spankin’ big yippee for all things odd! 2019 lies ahead like a blank page, momentarily free of doodles, rips, and the inevitable coffee cup ring mucking up the unfinished page. Thanks for letting me barge into your life with advice that is both caring and clueless. With fruity, snarky overtones. As always, DILLIGS = Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!

QUESTION: What could an 80-year-old do to spice up the new year?

DILLIGS: I’m thinking...okay, got it. The committee in my head agrees you’d be perfect for a sixmonth school in movie stunt work. It’s nothing too wild, just the usual leaping from helicopter to unicycle, surviving an elephant stampede, and performing synchronized swimming in quicksand. If four 20-year-olds can master these stunts, then so

can one 80-year-old. Know your fractions. Still, before enrolling, beef up your risk tolerance by trying cheap unwaxed dental floss, and not buckling your seat belt until after you start the car.

Geezers rock!

Every year I break my resolutions before we’ve even taken down the outside decorations.

QUESTION: Every year I break my resolutions before we’ve even taken down the outside decorations. Help!

DILLIGS: The answer is obvious: Stop decorating! Why? (1) No deadline, no stress, though you’ll probably still fail. That’s a shame. (2) I’ve seen that circus on your lawn: Frosty leaning on a three-legged camel, the shepherds leering at carolers, with Santa and Snoopy flanking baby Jesus. Where are his parents?!? Either focus on a single theme, or up the chaos factor with an inflatable 10-foot Easter bunny.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

QUESTION: How can I be sure my career ladder is secure?

DILLIGS: Not to worry. From the ground, the ladder looks safe and sturdy, right? But partway up, dense fog blinds us while we clamber over broken or missing steps.Then, sunlight at the top!

But, alas...(ominous music here)... we discover the ladder is attached to a slide! Into the depths of... but I digress. Diversify your skills: (1) when hackers crash the internet, you can sell and repair typewriters; (2) with extra chemistry and communications courses, you can sign the Periodic Table; or (3) brush up on your

body waxing skills to work in a Silver Back Primates day spa.

QUESTION: I resolved not to swear in 2019. Golly gee, it’s hard.

DILLIGS: No sh*t. If you can conquer swearing, please tell me how the f*ck you did it. But here’s a thought: replace swearing with something “positive,” like learning a new word a day. Tip: Find innocent words that sound like you’re swearing, and then blurt them out, ideally on a bus filled with Puritans who refuse to wear hearing aids. Give this a whirl: “Anyone here struggle with formication? It’s true that hoarfrost on a tufted titmouse often leads to piloerection. Stay safe, everyone.” © 2019

A Short History of Medicine “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 BC– “Here, eat this root.”

1000 BC – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2019 – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

By Ted Gargiulo

Starting Over

You’re probably wondering: Is it too late now for making resolutions, seeing how the New Year has already begun? That, my friend, depends on your personal honor system. I don’t know that there’s an official cutoff time as such. But it seems to me that the art of making an honest pact with yourself lies in your willingness to speculate, in good faith, on the as-yet unseen, untried, unblemished future; to gird yourself BEFORE the real battle begins, while you’re still blissfully unaware of what you’re up against.

Besides, if you’ve waited this long to plan your year, then perhaps you’re not as serious about change as you thought.

In that sense, resolutions made after the first of the year violate the rules of fair play— like betting on a horse after the race has begun—and should not be considered valid. Chances are that, by the second week in January, your old familiar friends will have overtaken you: laziness,

indifference, lack of nerve, an aversion to discomforting yourself. Eventually, your tomorrow will feel more like yesterday. Besides, if you’ve waited this long to plan your year, then perhaps you’re not as serious about change as you thought. You may as well make your resolutions on Easter, or Independence Day, for all the difference a yearly tradition makes. Or simply wait until January of next year and attempt this charade again.

There’s only one resolution I’ve ever made, and that was not to make any. But if I did, I’d keep them to myself, and I’d advise you to do the same. Promises made in private remain private. If you fail to deliver on them, no one but you will know.

Whereas, proclamations made before witnesses, or on social media, are a matter of public record—communal property, as it were. Your good “friends” on Facebook will expect a followup on the health spa you vowed to enroll in. Or the courses at your local college you told everyone you were going to take. Or the self-help regimen you couldn’t wait to embark

My new year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

I am not starting until next week though.

upon. They’ll pester you for progress reports, before-andafter snapshots, funny/sad stories about your instructors, or any new acquaintances you may have made in the process of bettering yourself. If, heaven forbid, you flunk or drop out of a class, or experience a change of heart about any other projects you blabbed about earlier in January, folks will want to know WHY: So how much weight have you lost?

What about that business degree you had your heart set on?

Have you taught yourself Russian yet? Say something in Russian.

I thought you were vacationing in the Bahamas this year. Or was it

13 Jamaica?

Oh yeah, and how are those Ukulele lessons coming along? Say something in Ukulele!

You see, the community OWNS you, and will not release you from your contract until you come up with a creative, socially palatable excuse for dashing the expectations of everyone with whom you were foolish enough to share your plans.

Embarrassing? You bet! It’s a scenario I’ve often considered, which is why I don’t shoot my mouth off in public, about anything!

People traditionally associate new beginnings with a new calendar year. But a genuine resolution, I feel, is more like a flu shot, insofar as it’s never too late to make or receive one. Except that a vaccine’s effectiveness is based on science, not human will power. Good thing!

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Continued on Page 25

16 there?) until January to begin making those changes, and it’s better if you don’t.

PS: Brought it whole circle!

Moreover, this sentence is to point out obviousness. Happy New Year!!

By Daria James

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off If you are reading this, it is too late for me. Save yourself is what I would have said a few months back if you asked me to turn vegetarian. Not sure if you knew this about me but, many moons ago I, too, was a vegetarian. Not the preachy kind. I just opted for greener choices back then. Then, I got pregnant and the little person inside me wanted steak. The rest is delicious history. No, seriously, if you have a chance to eat Kobe beef, please do!

I did it because I did not want to buy bigger clothes. Think globally; lose weight locally, if you wish.

1 Hour

Well, this past October I made a bet with a coworker to see who could lose more weight starting that day until our Christmas party. I decided to give up alcoholic drinks, red meat, pork and poultry, as well as cut back on those sweets I love. The first two weeks were rough (like your mother liked it last night… sorry, Sean Connery took over for a second). I was having red meat withdrawals. To get my mind off that type of carnal desires, I started doing more cardio.

Yeah, yeah, I totally flipped my script, changed my tune and like a politician after election, I did the opposite of what I stood for (eating bacon wrapped steak in

my case). I am a Vegetarian again; although, I feel like we are in an open relationship. I could go back to red meat whenever I want to, if my soul so desires. Nevertheless, I will try this out again. One day at the time, like a 12 step program.

The one thing I must overcome is that six-month hump. If you tell someone you have been a vegetarian for a month, they get annoyed for some reason, but if you say anything over six months, they respect the discipline you have for doing something to better your lifestyle.

In addition, there is a significant environmental impact one makes when giving up certain products.

I would like to clarify: I did not quit to make a difference in the world. I did it because I did not want to buy bigger clothes. Think globally; lose weight locally, if you wish. I am also very competitive, and was determined to smoke my coworker (I won our bet, in case you were wondering).

Anyway, back to the judgement.

I was talking to someone and I mentioned that I would eat tuna if I were craving meat. He quickly jumped to call me a hypocrite because fish feel pain when they are being killed. To which I replied, I would be a hypocrite if I had quit for ethical reasons. I was just being selfish and fat when I stopped consuming most animal goods. Of course, I wanted to say booyah! And in your face.

However, I refrained. I am civilized above all other things.

If you have a desire to change something in your life, you do not have to weight (see what I did

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

DowntownBookAndSound.com

17

INTERRUPTED

By Debbie Harris On one episode of Seinfeld, Jerry dated a “low talker,” a woman who mumbled when she talked and people couldn’t hear her.

Well apparently, I’m a “slow talker.” It seems I talk slower than others want me to because I get interrupted. A LOT. To them, I’m a tortoise-talker in a harecommunication world.

In our society, it seems that everything needs to go fast—the theory seems to be that fast means efficient. At one job, my supervisor answered dozens of questions that I wasn’t asking because she didn’t seem to be able to wait for me to finish my complete question. Aggravating.

At another job, I once went to my supervisor’s office to talk about an issue of concern. I got two sentences out before she started talking, and talking, and talking, until she ushered in another person and said goodbye to me. That wasn’t the end of the discussion. We met again a few weeks later in the ladies’ room during a break at a workshop, where she saw me coming out of a stall and began talking to me as she went into one. She continued to talk while I washed my hands

and then (not knowing quite what to do) hung around the restroom listening to her talk while she completed her business. I didn’t get a word in edgewise, though I didn’t try very hard because of where we were. As they say in real estate, it’s all about location.

I’m a tortoisetalker in a harecommunication world.

It can be interesting watching restless people waiting for words to come out of my mouth. If I hesitate, they sometimes offer endings to my sentences in rapid succession, which requires me to interject “no” over and over again until they stop trying to guess and actually let me finish my sentence!

It’s a frustrating way to communicate. I think that’s why l prefer writing. I can form my thoughts, express them in completion, and even edit them without anyone interrupting me.

Aaaah.

I’m not sure if slow talking is considered a disorder, but if it is, it’s one of the few I haven’t seen a prescription for. Even if there

were a prescription, I wouldn’t take it. A slow computer would at least be given time for a reboot.

Give me a chance to form words!

I’m not completely sure if I really do talk slow, or if people are just impatient. Maybe it’s a little of both. But if I do talk slow, it’s because I usually have a lot going on in my brain. Apparently I have a mind with a lot of highways driving deep into dense territory. It’s a labyrinth in there.

I’m usually in the midst of a spiral and I have to wait for an exit to get to out and onto someone else’s road. Once on that road I need at least a fraction of a second to reorient myself to address their issue. With all that going on, can you chill a minute?

On behalf of all the tortoise talkers like me, I ask you to set a New Year’s resolution to have patience and not interrupt when people are answering your questions. Let them finish their comments, their sentences, their words. You might hear something interesting. If not, at least you were polite.

Take care and Happy New . . . (uh oh, interrupted again!)

Q. What’s a good holiday tip?

A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?

A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call an old snowman?

A. Water!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. Why did Frosty have a carrot in his nose?

A. Because he forgot where the refrigerator was.

Q. Why are there only snow men and not snow women?

A. Because only men are dumb enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

18

How many whales does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, but if you find out let me minnow.

This question and more can be answered at the 9th annual Whalefest Monterey on January 26-27.

This is a free family-friendly event held for two days on Old Fisherman’s Wharf.

Would you like to go safely inside a whale? Dee, the popular 43-foot inflatable whale model returns for you to go inside and see its internal organs.

There will be numerous photo ops with costumed creatures

roaming the wharf all day. Other highlights of the day feature cooking demos, Japanese fish stenciling, abalone races and other interactive fun things to do and see.

Folks come from around the world to see whales in the Monterey Bay. Monterey has taken the name The Whale Watching Capital of the World™ for good reason. Fifteen different species of whales have been sighted year around frolicking and eating krill and anchovies in our protected bay. This begs the question on why whales live

in salt water. Probably because pepper makes them sneeze.

These two days will be more than fun and games. Two marine research boats, a Coast Guard boat and our Monterey Fire boat will be on display. The Science Seafloor ROV will also be there.

Many local and national marine organizations will be setting up exhibits for fun and education.

The Wharf Theater hosts speakers for a symposium representing topics and groups from The Monterey National Marine Sanctuary, MBARI, Hopkins Marine Station,

Monterey Bay Aquarium, Monterey Bay Fisheries Trust, Whale Entanglement Team and more.

While you’re here, it’s a chance to pick up a unique marine themed gift or a collectible Whalefest t-shirt while listening and swaying to live music to work up an appetite for a meal at one of the award-winning restaurants on the wharf. Weather permitting, whale watching tours, fishing, sailing and glass bottom boats will be operating.

Why did the whales cross the road? Because they were following you to Whalefest! *Community Shout Out is space dedicated to Not for Profit businesses to have a voice for their cause.

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19

N EW L AW S

We, the staff of Foolish Times, hereby declare that these 20 new laws should be in effect starting in 2019 for Monterey County. You, the readers of Foolish Times, can laugh at this throughout the year.

• Every day, city councilmen will patrol traffic in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

• All stop signs are officially suggestion signs.

• It is illegal to stand around without a good reason to be there.

• During the summer, it is illegal to complain that you wish it was warmer.

• If you don’t know where you’re going, it is illegal to leave your house.

• It is illegal for a man with a mustache to kiss a woman in public.

• It is illegal not to smile in public.

• Picking your nose is allowed.

Picking your friend’s nose is illegal.

• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

• Salinas City Center is confined to the Taylor Building. The rest of the area is still Oldtown.

• It is illegal to pretend that your parents are rich.

• Clergy must tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during Sunday services.

• Restaurants can’t outnumber the total population of residents.

• Seabirds are to be worshiped and their white spattering a form of local art.

• You can’t purchase alcohol without written permission from your spouse.

• Driving with a dog on your lap is legal as long as it passed the driving test.

• All restaurants will have a no cell phone rule.

• A person is not eligible to run for an elected office if they participated in a duel.

• Jaywalking is legal as long as you’re not on your phone.

• To go to college, you must be intelligent.

20

Seniors calling computer help lines: The following scenarios are scenes of confusion, desperation, exasperation, frustration, miscommunication, humor and anger… everyday.

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

Tech support: Click on the My Computer icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Customer to Tech support: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says “can’t find printer.” I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says, can’t find it.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don’t have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’.....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his

wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside. The elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

“What? You’re coming empty handed?”

the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

Feeling sorry for him, I asked, “What happened? Drugs?

Alcohol? Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, I was paroled.”

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last Wednesday, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and internet and I went to the gym,

I’m sure whatever you have to say can wait until you’re smarter.

It’s National Hobby month - what do you like to do in your spare time?

Answers on pg 24

Origami Gunsmithing Taxidermy Coloring Beekeeping Meditation Geocaching Roller Derby Chess Mahjong Taekwondo Paintball Drama Embroidery Magic Macrame Philately Pottery Quilting

THE BUSKING LIFE

By Michael Houston

21

MPCOTMBPSMIMSDBMMTTTGQ - Street Dreams

La vida es sueñosueñoy los sueñossueñosson. I’m one of those people with an oppressive foreboding that inspires unwarranted hope that a better world about to be born. The impeding birth of another grand-daughter has that effect on me.

FOOLISH TIMES IS A CULTURAL RELIC AND TREASURE Here at the Times, we celebrate quirky Monterey values. How else can you explain a column written by someone running the MPC And Old Town Monterey Market Bardic Pre-School Musicish Institute Maraca Shaking, Drum Bashing, Marimba-Marimbaing, Traca-Traca, Toy Guitar, And Quira Ensemble? (We had claves, but they got lost.) Like so many other things these days, MPCOTMBPSMIMSDBMMTTTGQ is based on something that went wrong somewhere else.

18th and 19th century Irish hedge schools let the Irish break British law by teaching the much loathed genocide-targeted Irish to read and write. (You can see where that got us!)

HEDGE SCHOOLS ON ASPHALT?

When the lucky survivors of the Irish famines got out of the bush schools to spend a few months crossing the Atlantic on coffin ships and sharing typhoid fever and the like, they were on their way to filling American cities with filthy, ignorant, poor, sick, and ugly criminals. No wonder Americans hate foreigners even if they built the place! If I could think of a modern day example of that sort of thing, I would, but my foolish comments could be mistaken for the sort of lack of hospitality toward strangers that triggered that Sodom and Gamorrah thing the nuns told me about in my parochial hedge school.

MPCOTMBPSMIMSDBMMTTTGQ - OUR MISSON Meanwhile, back at MPCOTMBPSMIMSDBMMTTTGQ, we prepare our two-year olds for academic and workplace success.

Psychologically, two-year olds are at a stage when “no” is the operative term for most any situation.

“Did you put the cat litter in the toilet again?” “Are you wearing mommy’s lip stick?” “Do you need to go to the bathroom.” “Are your undies wet?” At MPCOTMBPSMIMSDBMMTTTGQ, we teach

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

two-year olds to answer questions like that with, “MAYBE.” In the workplace, our performers will be ready to tell the boss that, “MAYBE” she wants to write that memo herself, since our version might not sit well with Legal or the IRS. NOW DREAM BETWEEN THE GUTTERS AND THE VEGGIE STALLS! Dream on! Only in winter does early nightfall enable to us walk around in full REM dream state and get your organic produce at the same time! Live action dreams help us cope with our everyday dilemmas without the burden of making your bed.

Those credit card debts and over-

due bills are just daylight nightmares, laughable nonsense that disappears when your inner eyes open.

Close your eyes. Follow your nose. Buy some produce and let your awaked dreams heal you of the afflictions that pass for reality. Just be careful not to knock over any apple, nut, or onion carts. Dream on. Follow your nose and open your mojo eyes to sights unseen. The market is your kingdom. Beware of light posts!

The nose you save may be your own.

22

Nobody Didn’t Like Them!

By Jann Gargiulo Being from a large family is a great thing when a holiday rolls around. (Or, it would be if we weren’t so poor.) I’m sure it could have been better, but as a young girl I didn’t really know the difference between being rich and being poor. I didn’t even know what “poor” meant! Sure, I knew that we didn’t have as many “things” as the others, but I always thought that was because my parents chose 12 kids over the “things!”

“Yes, God, instead of that wonderful living room set we saw today, we would much rather have another child!”

“Amen,” chimed the ol’ man!

And, sure enough nine months

later there would be another baby! Babies are so cute and cuddly, and they smell so good, don’t they? Well, most of the time!

Many of us kids are only about a year apart. So, if my parents didn’t already love children, bet they learned fast! They sure loved each other!!!

I wish you knew my parents personally! If you’ll pardon my grammar, nobody didn’t like them! Our house was the house everyone came to for whatever.

Everyone in the neighborhood called my Mom, “Mom.” I didn’t mind sharing her. I already did, I was used to it! Even later when my sisters started dating and the boys would come by they would

call my Mom, “Mom,” and eat her food and drink— the best iced tea and lemonade you ever tasted! I still don’t understand how my Mom could take a little bit of food and make it stretch so far! (Maybe she got lessons from Jesus. If He could feed 5,000 with just a little, He could teach my mom!) She was the best!

Everybody loved her.

But, when they started calling my dad, Dad, I drew the line! I may only have been six-years-old, but that man was MINE! And I intended to marry him when I grew up!

I asked my Mom if it was ok if I married Daddy when I grew up.

She got in a little bit of a tiff and

said to me, “Absolutely not young lady!”

I couldn’t understand why not.

I mean, think about it, she would be so old by the time I grew up she wouldn’t want him anymore!

Why couldn’t I have him?

This wise lady sat me down and explained to me gently that I what I really wanted was to marry someone like Daddy. That she had married Daddy and he can’t have two wives, plus I am Daddy’s daughter ... not his wife. I can’t be both, and I can’t take back the daughter part! God won’t let me!

I didn’t like what she said, but I’d let her get away with it for now.

We will talk about this later.

Safe & Happy Start to the New Year Come See Tony FREE Computer Wheel Alignment (with purchase of 4 tires)

A couple had been out shopping in Monterey. Suddenly the wife realized that her husband had disappeared. Feeling irate she called her husband’s phone and demanded, “Where are you?” Husband: “Do you remember that jewelry store where you saw a beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it but I didn’t have the money to buy it?”

Wife, tremulously, “Yes, I do remember that my love.”

Husband, “Well, I’m in the Crown & Anchor next to that store.”

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.

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23

1) What are your New Year’s resolutions?

2) What was your biggest mistake in the past year?

3) How would you sum up the internet?

Bob#1 1) Borrow things more often. Return then less often. Spend less than $1,235 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

2) Not finding enough investors for my “home office” business.

3) Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Robert 1) Stop paying off my credit cards with other credit cards. I’m going to stop answering your stupid questions.

2) I should go to the grocery store more often than restaurants.

3) Why does my phone knows where I am all the time? I don’t even know where I am half the time.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Roberta 1) Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it. I need to find a more accurate scale.

2) I buy too much junk on Amazon. QVC has better specials.

3) The place I want to spend less time.

Bob#2 1) Check my work e-mail account at least once a week. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

2) Only eat white snow.

3)I like the internet. I can be anyone I want to be.

Answers on page 24

24

Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

from page 23

from page 20

Answers

Answers

Two Californians were driving through Pennsylvania. As they were approaching Catasauqua, they started arguing about how to say the word until they stopped for lunch. They asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

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25

S DESTROY

RATED

PG

Previously: Adman Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart CEO Malcolm D. Monster and marketing director Jerry Peterson is bombing out-- until a real live Tyrannosaurus Rex (!!!) pursues a hapless teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Assuming the dinosaur is part of Krasse’s presentation, Mr. Monster promises him a two million dollar contract if he can deliver the creature to promote the grand opening of his new Salinas Monster Mart mega-mall...

PRETTY GOOD!

Written and Illustrated by

Dana B. Larrabee

dalar ents@gmail.com

Episode 2

"Operation Beast Buster"

and he watched helplessly as his roll-top desk along with jagged chunks of concrete, bricks and mortar hurtled to the sidewalk six floors down. The beast fled to the opposite end of the roof, and the young man returned to view. He The crowd of spectators grew larger. mounted the parapet, desperately searching for the More soldiers arrived and began direct- fire escape. The twisted steel remains lay on the ing people away from the besieged bank pavement below.

“Help!! Get me down!” He turned to find the dinobuilding. The two tanks Krasse saw earlier rumbled into position and trained their saur cautiously stalking him again. Its pale purple tongue flickered in and out hungrily. In one giant guns on the dinosaur six floors up.

General Creighton S. Blunt was in command. He stride, it drew nearer. He could feel its warm, moist studied the Tyrannosaurus snarling on the rooftop breath on his face. Terrified, he pulled back -- and and smiled grimly. Lieutenant Jesse Stractomeyer lost his balance. The crowd gasped in horror as he had served under Blunt for about a year, but none fell screaming from the ledge. Incredibly, the monof their war games prepared them for Operation ster lunged, grasped a power line with one foreBeast Buster. In phase one, they directed their paw and plucked him from the air with the other!

“FIRE THREE!!” bawled General Blunt. “And troops to surround the bank building. Now came the hard part: actually subduing or eliminating the make ready the flame-thrower!!”

Krasse groaned. He’d seen enough “B” monmonster.

The general put a bull-horn to his mouth and ster movies to know what would happen next: called up to the young man. “Get back so we have a charbroiled dino-meat. Fade out. The End. May clear shot!” The boy must have heard, because he as well hang it up and go home, he thought. He ran and ducked behind the parapet of the building. turned abruptly to leave and jostled a camera “FIRE ONE!!” yelled the tank commander. The gun operator taping a nervous reporter’s coverage spat out a bright orange flame, discharging a shell of the disaster for Channel 33’s evening news. that impacted on the cornice of the building and ex- Krasse tried to apologize, but his words were ploded. It missed the dinosaur but successfully de- lost in the din of the helicopter overhead. It was molished more of the structure just above Krasse’s from KTOM, the local radio station. The military office. The monster roared and leaped away to weren’t the only ones out in force.

From the gun turret of his armored tank, safety further back on the roof.

“FIRE TWO!!” bawled the general, and General Blunt watched the creature leap from B-TUMM! another round slammed into the building. the office building to the roof of Fat Cat Clothiers The wall and floor to Krasse’s office gave way, and then down to the sidewalk beyond the military #2-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

weaponry. The beast bobbed its head warily from side to side and surveyed the crowds, still firmly clutching the panic-stricken young man. With an abrupt roar, it spun ‘round, darted down a side street and was gone. A weird cackle echoed back in defiance.

“Now what, General?” asked his lieutenant.

“We’ll settle this monster’s hash like they did in ‘King Kong’!” he barked. “But with one major difference! Get on the horn and put me through to the Air Force....”

Back at his apartment, Krasse despondently plunked himself down in a sagging easy-chair to mull over the events of the day. He reached to turn on the TV for news of the dinosaur, but remembered he’d pawned it to pay for the Monster Mart artwork. What a waste that was! He sighed, lit another cigarette, and put on the radio instead. He heard the hooka-tooka-tooka of a helicopter and several muffled explosions. Then: “This is Tommy Kaye reporting for KTOM! And we’re flying over one of the most amazing traffic jam-ups ever. Seems like there’s a real live dinosaur loose in downtown Salinas! We have no information on the origin of this prehistoric monster. And we still don’t know the identity of the young man the creature is holding. The military have attempted to repel the beast with tanks and a flame-thrower....”

Krasse moaned and turned off the radio. That’s it, he thought. No dinosaur. No deal. And no office, either. This is the worst day of my life.

Next issue:

Episode 3 Gross Encounters!

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

26

January 3

January 16

There is no one way to toss out the old fruitcake. Just be sure no one gets hurt. It would be hard to explain to the judge.

Ageless wonders from Chicago are still rocking since the 70’s.

Hard rock, pop rock, progressive rock, soft rock. All radio friendly.

Sunsetcenter.org

Fruitcake Toss Day

January 4

First Friday Artwalk

Kick off the year with the first artwalk of the year.

1stfridays.org

January 5

Comedy Contest

Styx

January 10-13

Monterey Swingfest

Dance, dance ,dance!

Workshops. World and national champion dancers. Dance until dawn or dance with Dawn. centralcoastswingdance.com

January 17

Ditch Your Resolution Day

Enough is enough. You had good intention to eat better, lose weight and solve the world’s problems.

Let’s get back to being you.

Compete for a whopping $110 grand prize. Quit your day job and hit the road as a headliner comedian. pinkflamingo theater.org

January 23-26

EcoFarm Conference

A gathering for inspiration, renewal and celebration.

Network, shop, and learn about the latest products and services in the agricultural industry. eco-farm.org

January 25-26

Love letters

A romantic, funny, heartwarming story of love and friendship told through a lifetime of letters.

A finalist for a Pulitzer for Drama. pinkflamingotheater.org

January 26-27 January 12

Beach Clean-Up

January 10

Priscilla Presley

Priscilla opens up her world with conversation, photos, home movies and film clips about her life with the King of Rock and Roll. Elvis’s birthday is January 8th. sunsetcenter.org

From the Monterey commercial wharf to the condos on Del Monte Beach. Prizes for most unique item and most cigarette butts collected. Buckets and latex gloves provided. discoverywhalewatch.com

January 17-20

Big Sur Foragers

Four days of foraging events and culinary delights. Benefit for The Big Sur Health Center. bigsurforagersfestival.org

January 28

Fun at Work Day

Too bad this is only celebrated once a year. Unless you work with us.

January 14-21

Get Hooked

Fish caught by our local fishing boats and supplied to our restaurants get masterfully transformed into delectable dishes by top chefs.

A true taste of Monterey Bay. gethookedmontereybay.com

Whalefest

Family friendly interactive events, music, and more. Two day symposium with lectures and documentaries related to ocean marine life and conservation.

Montereywharf.com

January 21

National Hugging Day

Started in 1986, the idea is to encourage everyone to hug family and friends more often.

January 31

Kosher Lunch

Best lunch ever!

Corned beef and pastrami cut thin and piled high.

Don’t forget the baked goods.

Templebethelsalinas.org

27

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