Foolish Times February 2019

February

Community Shout Out » Pg. 19 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

2019

2 RATED

DESTROY

S

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

Episode 3

"Gross Encounters"

Written and Illustrated

by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com Previously: Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart CEO Malcolm

D. Monster and marketing director Jerry Peterson is bombing out-- until a real live Tyrannosaurus Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Assuming the dinosaur is part of his presentation, Mr. Monster promises Krasse a two million dollar contract for the creature to help promote the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The inevitable media and military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop to freedom, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas...

A grizzled old man in a long brown ragged overcoat shuffled unsteadily down the back street.

Clutching a bottle in a wrinkled paper sack, he was about to take a swig when the Tyrannosaurus came upon him. “Get outta here!” yelled the teenager in the monster’s fist. “Run for your life!”

The wino stared up at the creature in disbelief, then at the bottle in hand. “Go to blazes, lizard-breath!” he rasped. “You’re just a figment of my imagination!”

“It’s no figment!” screamed the youngster. “Run!” “GgnnNNRRRRRAAARRGGHHH!” roared the creature. The wino’s eyes widened. He dropped his bottle and stumbled into some trash cans which toppled over, spilling their refuse. The dinosaur kicked the battered containers aside and whizzed on past.

Emerging from the alley, it ripped through telephone and power lines. SSSNNAP! ZZZAAP! Ssszztt!! Half the Oldtown district lost power and communications.

A bright yellow school bus full of shrieking wide eyed youngsters, swerved to avoid the beast and rear-ended a “FussPot Furniture” delivery van. Sofas and chairs went flying, and the splintered fragments of a five-piece dinette piled up like jackstraws on the front of the bus. Ignoring the disabled vehicles, the dinosaur strode out onto Alisal Street and straddled both lanes.

The shrill wail of a patrol car siren startled the creature, which responded with a snarl and bounded down the street. Drivers honked their horns and slammed on the brakes. A truck loaded with freshpicked “Cutting Veg” lettuce was pulling into the intersection when the driver saw the Tyrannosaurus Rex. She shrieked, cut the wheel sharply and hit the air-brakes. The trailer overturned. A Cadillac, a Volkswagen and two briefcase-toting executives at the crosswalks were buried under a mountain of lettuce.

An eighteen-wheeler with a trailer-load of lumber roared through. WARMP! WAARRRMMPP! The blast from its air horn frightened the beast, and off it galloped down Front Street taking down more traffic #3-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

lights and utility lines along the way.

A few blocks away at the “Nu Looks 4 Less Beauty Shop,” the overhead fluorescent lights flickered and went out. The hair dryers quit, and Mrs. Edna St. Vincent DeLay poked her head out to complain to Sun Luk Nu, the hairdresser. That’s when she saw the dinosaur through the window. “Mercy!” she cried.

“What is that?”

Everyone’s attention turned to the window. A sheriff’s car screeched into the parking lot. Deputies Roland and Aguilar had heard reports of the monster and the teenager, but seeing them in action was something else. “Look at the size of that thing!” cried Aguilar.

“Get me outta this!” yelled the youngster in the monster’s paw.

“Hold on, fella!” Roland called back. “We’ll give it a shot of tear gas!” Aguilar pulled out the launcher, leaned out a window and fired. The creature heard the report, snarled and swung its scaly green tail about. CRRAACK!! It connected with the bomb like a baseball bat. The projectile sailed over their heads and smashed through the beauty shop window.

Noxious smoke streamed out the broken glass. The women screamed. Sun Luk threw open the door and they all ran outside coughing and gasping for air.

One woman’s face was caked with the green facial gel Sun Luk had just applied. The second was sopping wet from a color rinse and Mrs. Delay’s silver gray hair studded with curlers.

Mrs. DeLay ran up to the patrol car. “Bone-heads!” she yelled. Deputy Aguilar apologized sheepishly,

but the woman would have none of it. “Just where did that awful creature come from?”

“Ma’am, your guess is as good as mine,” Aguilar said trying to calm her. “We’ll get to the bottom of this when we catch Dino-Boy there.”

“Well, hurry! It’s wrecking my husband’s business this very minute!” She pointed to the Bleckmobile dealership down the block. SMASH! CRASH! CRRRUNCH!! The monster was leapfrogging car to car and heading for the wooden fence at the back of the lot.

“We’re on it, lady!” Roland floored the accelerator.

As the patrol car roared into DeLay Motors, they saw salesmen and customers fleeing the dealership. Mr. DeLay frantically flagged them down. “That thing’s smashed six of my cars!” he wailed. “You gotta stop it!” The two deputies got out in time to see the monster-- CRRUNNK! flatten another sedan. “You got a gun!” barked DeLay. “Use it!”

Aguilar looked at Roland and shrugged. “May as well,” he muttered. “Struck out with the tear-gas.” The deputy unholstered his revolver and fired. BLAM! BLANG!! B-TMM!! Bullets whizzed over the head of the young man in the monster’s paw. “Hey!” he yelled. “Quit shooting and get me outta this!” With that, the monster roared and jumped the fence.

DeLay and the two deputies watched it disappear into the trees beyond. “Nice shootin’, Deputy,” said DeLay sarcastically.

Next issue:

Episode 4 Noise in ‘Hood

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

3

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool........................Jonah Dee Cover Art By Erin Balmes

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Nicolenya Caltman, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks My job allows me to read the paper before it is printed. I won’t ruin the third episode of Godzelda before you read it but that huge lizard is out of control in Salinas.

February on the Central Coast is a great time of year. The AT&T Pro-Am Golf Tournament is the first event of the year which brings lots of visitors to our area. As an East Coast transplant, I enjoy checking the temperatures where my family lives. They are so low; I can use them as daily lottery numbers.

Valentine’s Day is also upon us. It used to be a stressful time and a measuring stick for a relationship. As I get older, I don’t worry about that anymore. I recently met a girl who told me she was a huge Disney fan. Wanting to impress her, I let her know that I too liked Disney.

We felt comfortable enough to make plans for a

weekend trip to visit the park in Anaheim.

The drive down was easy with nothing to report.

Once in the park, she was immediately swept up by the Disney Magic and went from adult to child in a nanosecond. I couldn’t keep up with her. Run here, ride this, buy this, see this show, eat this, don’t drool…She was exhausting.

Finally, we came across Snow White’s wishing well. I made a wish, leaned over and dropped in a shiny penny. She decided to make a wish too. She leaned over too far and fell in the well yelling and screaming because she was all wet. I was stunned for a moment but smiled thinking that the Disney Magic is real and wishes really do come true. Needless to say, I’ll be celebrating Single Awareness Day February 15th.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

4

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our ninthfloor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a ninth-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

I don’t know,” replies the man.

“Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

The wheel was man’s greatest invention before he got behind it.

A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon dAs I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind

me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, “Yes you are correct.

But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

Eating in the 50s — • Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

• Curry was a surname.

• All chips were plain.

• Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

• Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.

• None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

• Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

• Cooking outside was called camping.

• Seaweed was not a recognized food.

• Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

• Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

• Water came out of the tap.

• If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

• And there was always two choices for each meal… “Take it” or Leave it.”

5

LATE NIGHT

BREAKFAST

WINE

Denny’s

First Awakenings

Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge.

Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

FAST FOOD

...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ITALIAN

CHINESE Full Moon Open Christmas Day Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse Open Christmas Day The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com

6

WORST

BEST

Other tightwads: • Teachers • Millennials • Computer Engineers • Musicians • Pro Athletes • People who order drinks with umbrellas

Other generous souls: • Hairstylists • Mobsters • Regular Customers • Married Couples • Foolish Times Readers • Vodka Drinkers

Lawyers and Doctors are the worse!

Bartenders are the best!

Clown House Merry-Go-Round

Round and round it goes; just kill me now — vomiting love everywhere …

I’m dizzy; so much beautiful, disgusting, love — Blek!

Just kill me know; leave me for dead — I’m like a bad cartoon; twitching, writing … “oh, he’s just so beautiful;” faint, plop — poke me with a stick …

Am I still breathing?

Just kill me know; leave me for dead — I’m not normal anymore …

I’m yours; pull those rings and toss them at me — bruise me …

Oh, yes; delicious Round and round it goes; just kill me now — so in love; farting flowers …

I’ dead; so much beautiful, disgusting, love — Blek!

— Nicolenya Caltman

7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram You are a hydrogen bomb these days! This fusion of confusion strikes like a Ring Lardner Hero who rode off in all directions at once. Fall in LOVE, with one person, in one place, at least one at a time, and behold parting lips, soft expressions, a reaching out to caress, a radiant glow, this is what you are missing in your rush to conquer.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull What a mud march you’ve been in. A Bouef Gras stompathon!

See the mud as chocolate so you can suck your hoofs. Any case of suffering could be transformed into growing pains. When you resist you get stretch marks. Learning can be enchanting, think of Snow White and her Prince, he went to salientian night classes to perfect that kiss. Even if he practiced on his bullfrog, he endured, and look what he got!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins It’s always a human life for us.

Hence, you are lively, intellectual and versatile. Notice how living primarily in the mind can bring many ideas for decorating, and not enough devotion for the ocean of emotion you keep surfing over.

Catch this love sick wave darling, it’s the only way to warm the cockles of this meteorological winter in the Northern Hemisphere.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A honeymoon for life! Wow! Your joie de vivre is unbeatable.

Not even a 16th century baton

could damn it. (Ask Eduard von Grutzner.) Moon-child, shapes of round encompass you, cylindrical spheres and donut holes cajole you. You love being surrounded by loved ones...and then suddenly, Everybody Ooouuuut! It’s a raid of the temperamental mental. Storing memories and possessions is a divine quest for you to nurture in quiet moments like these.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A Lent-e-Mental journey is about to commence so EAT UP! The fasting you will part-take in will clear up the murky waters you’ve been reeling in. Leap out, even if it takes 29 tries. Your time is now for Clarity. Alterations were made on your bullet proof vest. WILD ABOUT no more wimpy you!

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your Glyph represents two halves of the human heart, Lion Hearted indeed. (Glue is seldom used.)

It’s a transitional month and your luminosity is coming out of the winter broom closet. Your involuntary servitude to the less fortunate begins to take shape for the New Year. You may feel it necessary to overturn social conventions while sticking to frivolous confections, a King Cake perhaps will keep tempers subdued in the eleventh hour. A nibble can make for a flirty embrace and a fiery roar can open a new door, or obliterate it.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A Fat, Fat Tuesday for you! Once reaching the capacity of an insulated boiler, dispensing of your life-force is of most importance in this transit. You are the secret admirer of immortality, so you have nothing to lose except a climax. You are the captain of this BALL, you caroby cherub.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin First Color TV, February of 1954.

All things illuminated. When will we see your full rainbow? Are you going to leave it a mottle upon your palette of the industriously analytical? Know that the hypercritical blots out pink and zero self-indulgence cancels the profundity of indigo. Capturing your soul’s irrationality is the most orderly venture you‘ll ever undertake, Valentine.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Jon Stewart of the Daily Show, our retired beloved leader, too, is a SAG. Groundhog day this month will be lonely without his wizardry surrounding our underground scurry furry friend with buck teeth. You crave to KNOW! The shadow knows. Try not knowing.

It will gnaw out a whole new fleshy outline that can vary your human experience, for example, define true love, a good exercise for you, then watch the Flambeaux light up the dark.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat FEBRUUM: Time of purification.

Mardi Gras 1837, the beginning of the end. Carnivals are tides we create beyond the natural ebb and flow. Its design to capture aliveness in its exaltation. Your elephantine desire for a great

love is understood, but it requires you to drop your black and white approach. A time of refining, start small attend a Black & White ball, and be smitten with COLOR. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier You can still blush while in a cerebral existence. Do not be alarmed. A healthy sporadic debauchery is long overdue. All things calm, cool, and neglected are protected under the law of odds. But, sooner or later fraud rises like leavening bread. You are HUMAN, putting yourself in a linear projection will have you hemorrhaging. But, perhaps RED may be just Le Billet in this important physical link. Happy Birthday! We forget-you-not.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s an EMOTIONAL LIFE! Bubbleeyed in surprise?! You shan’t be.

You have lived in the deep moving torrents for an eternity. This is not something that needs fixing. This is not hysterics that adhere to the petite hearted. Amorous Angel... too syrupy? Not when the waffles are stale! Don’t change a thing, except, being so pre-occupied with the whole purpose of existence.

You are in the pellucid green pool just before the FALLs. What you do for yourself now will be for everyone later on. Take the parade route through the woods, and up the river. Say Hi to Grandma from everyone.

8

Cartoon Art Museum

By Sali

On occasion, I take classes in San Francisco. They are usually short lectures. To get more bang for my travel buck, I try to combine fun and exciting activities with my classes. I discovered the Discover and Go program from a poster at Salinas Public Library. It is also available at Monterey Public Library and other California libraries. More information can be found at discoverandgo.org.

I decided to visit the Cartoon Art Museum at 781 Beach Street, San Francisco. I am familiar with the Maritime Museum and the historic ships in this area, west of the Fisherman’s Wharf. Due to my interest in cartoons, art, and

history, thought it would be for me.

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned there was a Jo Mora exhibition. The first time someone pointed out the art of Jo Mora was when I was in primary school and on a walking field trip to the courthouse in Salinas. I think this trip was during the second grade, and the teacher was Mrs. Brown. She explained that the heads on the building were of important people and were works of art.

The other things I remember from this field trip was meeting a man who was working and could count money while blind,

and sitting in a criminal court session with my fellow Mission Park students and hearing the charges read aloud. Afterwards, my teacher commented that those were some serious charges, although as a child, I had no idea what any of those crimes were.

My second encounter with Jo Mora’s art was while waiting to depart from the Monterey Airport (I enjoying arriving at airports early to look at historical displays and exhibits) after I returned to Salinas after being gone for years. The third encounter was more recent, during Christmas in the Adobes, at Casa Serrano.

The exhibits included

sculptures, large illustrated maps, and cartoons. Zip was my favorite. It features a raccoon with an attitude that is timeless, no-nonsense, and extremely funny.

The exhibition at the Cartoon Art Museum runs until April 28, 2019. I will definitely return. The location is in a beautiful, quieter part of San Francisco, and not too far from terminal of the historic, electric streetcars that run along the Embarcadero to Fisherman’s Wharf.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

MAKE ME

Love

Recipe for

Ingredients:

• 1 lb of compatibility • 1/2 lb of sharing • 4 cups of romance • 3 cups of humor

• 2 cups of patience • 1 cup of respect • 3 tbs of trust • 2 tsp of joy • 1 zest of tenderness

Mix all ingredients together and foster over a lifetime

By Rex Keyes

Valentine’s Day & Pot

Valentine’s Day is coming up this month and it is more important that many people think it is. This is the time to impress your spouse or your partner. Sure it may seem difficult racking your brain out trying to figure out a gift for your loved one but just about anything will do. It’s the thought that counts the most.

As for buying gifts there is a box of chocolates, going out to eat dinner with some wine or champagne or buying jewelry just to name of few. Always make sure there is a card to go with the gift, a real card not an e-mail card. Valentine’s Day is very romantically close to a

wedding anniversary. Giving a gift will allow Cupid to come over and shoot an arrow of love into your partner. If you don’t think Cupid exists notice the change of personality in your loved one after you give the gift (an arrow of love shot). And please, don’t buy those fake flowers at the dollar store. It won’t work. Cupid will not shoot his arrow!

Ok, those of you who have kids, in order for the both of you to celebrate alone together, you will need someone to take care of the kids. Perhaps grandma and grandpa could babysit and they could stay at their house overnight. And if one can’t get a

babysitter, a couple could have a fancy romantic dinner at home.

The kids could eat in another room in the house or at your table to show them what a romantic dinner is like. A romantic dinner would be a candle on the table and some champagne. The main meal could be steak, lobster or crab. And the dessert could be something sweet like cherry pie, cheesecake and/or ice cream.

Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!

It appears that marijuana is being used quite a bit in California. One doesn’t have to smoke it and hurt their lungs.

They can buy, at the marijuana

Seaside Chamber of Commerce welcomes

Plantacea

9 stores, brownies, cakes and cookies made out of that green leafy plant. Because of pot, much of California is close to being happy, happy, happy. There is a fun song called “Happy” by Pharrell Williams which now has billons of hits. And for it to have that many hits, the new generations, being happy, must be taking advantage of our marijuana laws and watching the video over and over again.

In a few years most Californians will be like those people dancing in the “Happy” video.

In a few years most Californians will be like those people dancing in the “Happy” video. We can probably thank the elderly politicians for passage of legal marijuana as they grew up when the hippies were here and marijuana was smoked a lot. Also the governments are going to love the income from taxes on pot. All I can say is Happy, Happy Days!!

As we get older, weightlifting consists of standing up.

1717 Fremont Blvd, suite B • Seaside 831.601.8091 • www.plantacea.org www.montereybaycoolwebsites.com Image provided by: Manual Ortega Photography

I stopped buying natural foods when I found out most people die from natural causes.

10 Q: What did the blonde do when she couldn't afford a personalized license plate?

A: She changed her name to JKM345.

A blonde gets a new cell phone from her husband. The next day she goes to Northridge Mall and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Northridge?”

Lisa and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lisa was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Lisa explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Judy got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?

A: He's been chasing parked cars.

A blonde goes to the Marina library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?

A: So she could use it as a mirror.

Two blondes were on their way to the airport in San Jose and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Airport Left" so they went home.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA? A: "Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"

A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to CHOMP, and she gave birth to two baby boys.

The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email?

A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.

Two blondes walk into a Sahara Sun Tanning Salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and reply, “No, we aren't even Catholic."

A blonde goes to work in tears.

Her boss asks, “What's wrong?”

She says, “My mom died.”

He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What's wrong?”

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A blonde sees a flyer on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise — Only $5." She goes to the address on the flyer and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.

Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

Why did the blonde go to KFC? She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99

Two blondes drive down River Road, surrounded entirely by wine grape vines.

One blonde says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she's swimming through the vines.

The blonde driving says, "Its girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."

The other blonde says, "Yeah!

And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."

Ask a child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

11

50,000wrong!

Readers can’t

be

Even a

Doctor

Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers

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Feburary 5th

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2019

Year of the Pig

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12

By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS !?

Brainy Art & Love Spats

Gotta love this country. What other nation annually celebrates VD?? Sigh .Your busy li’l mind is already in the gutter—c’mon, VD is short for Valentine’s Day! Check this out: Roses are red, daisies are amber.

Do you still love me?

I’m due in September.

Sure, it’s a yawn by today’s standards, but that was my Valentine greeting in the 80s, boldly impaled on a plastic thingy in a plant for my (then) partner. I left the gift with the receptionist at his IBM office, an ant hill of techies swarming in a conservative, black suit culture.

No chance of pregnancy, so I was only shooting for laughs—silly goose that I was. He responded as if I’d hacked up a hairball on his corporate white shirt. How absurd! Hairballs went bye-bye since I’d been daily choking down my cats’ foul-tasting gel in a tube.

How lovely that three decades later I can plop the poem in the front row of this intro and sling new hairballs to the unwary.

Brace yourselves for another DILLIGS: “Does It look Like I Give a Sh*t?!”

In good times you can have a smushing contest of naughty poses.

QUESTION: At work there’s one of those “magic pictures” in the hall, a brain puzzle “art” revealing a hidden image if you stare long enough. Everyone sees a boat except me!

DILLIGS: Awww, hold on while I dab my eyes with a clean patch of sweatshirt. So, your brain isn’t in the mood for puzzles? Let it make something up! Forget the stupid boat, and casually mention to your coworkers at lunch how shocking to “see” a graphic image from a beef slaughterhouse. (“More barbecue, anyone?”)

Then, after lunch, beat a path to HR claiming to “see” your company’s approval of a $20 minimum wage and free child care. (“Wow! Thanks! By the way, I contacted Channel 4 News!”)

I don’t mind being the last man on Earth just to see if all those girls were telling me the truth.

QUESTION: As a recent wedding gift, we received a pair of ceramic turtledoves, which we’re told can help communication. What’s up with that?

DILLIGS: Simply put, when things are peachy, the doves face each other. But when one of you is upset, that person turns one dove away from the other as a signal.

Nice idea, but skip the breakable doves. If tension really heats up, no one should possibly face a mess of sharp pieces. So how about this? A couple of rubber duckies. They’re safe, durable, and they float—all important features. We aren’t limited to

subtly turning one duck and hoping our partner notices.

No, with duckies we can be a tad more expressive: “Is that my... hey! The dog’s chewing my duck!”

Or, “Why is a duck in the toilet??

We need to talk.”

Alternative version: Keep a supply of pastel marshmallow Peeps. In good times you can have a smushing contest of naughty poses. And when the road is bumpy, one or both Peeps may be missing body parts, to be discovered later: a yellow head nestled inside the jar of face cream, or a blue butt gumming up the remote. Duckies and Peeps.

Cheaper than real therapy. Who says a B.A. in Psych isn’t worth anything?? © 2019

A doctor was addressing an audience at the Monterey Library. “The food we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the back row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

One Year Later

By Jann Gargiulo

It has been one year since I started writing for Foolish Times.

Last year, in my first story I said that I was going to tell you what was upstairs in our barn that became a home. I went the whole year without another word about it. Let me correct that now.

So, we are going to take a little trip, back in time to our old barnhouse on the farm. Let’s go!

It’s about 1956. We come in the front door and right away feel comfortable. I think it’s the smells of wonderful foods cooking and that pot of coffee perking! Look!

There’s a cup for you! We sit and chat with my mom while we have coffee and a fresh biscuit and her put-up jam...strawberry, Yum. Now, she has work to do and we do too, sort-of.

We go up the first flight of steps. There is a landing and you turn back to see my mom already at her work. Just five more steps to the second floor and down the long hallway. To your left is the living room. Nothing special in itself, only the family makes it special. To your far right is my parent’s bedroom. We can’t go in there. And just before that is a closed door. If you have

permission you can open the door. You don’t! But, I live here so I can, and you are with me.

Besides, there is no one here to tell on us.

I turn the door handle and it squeaks. (Seems right somehow!)

We both laugh. Then we slowly begin the climb...wait! Close the door, we don’t want anyone to know we’re up here. We laugh again. Maybe someone else did the same thing before us!

I usually just scooted under the bed and slept there. No covers, but no Charlotte either!

To your immediate left is the boy’s room. Granted, it was too small for the five of them, but they got rid of Ray just months after Buddy was born so it was really just four of them. The other side and the middle are for the seven girls. We need it too, because three of those girls are teenagers!

There was a large, elegant full bed at the very top of the stairs; that was Elsie’s bed. A few times my mom let me take a nap there.

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in our case the bedrooms. A slab of wood is secured in place, usually with insulation. We had the wood, but no insulation. And did I say, “secured?” Not in our house! Larry showed me how to slide the wood out of place, get down inside, put the wood back in place and crawl to whichever sibling I wanted to hear! Some of the stories I heard! Why I could have retired at 12, if only I hadn’t promised Larry!

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I slept so nicely.

I never understood the sleeping

arrangements … I ALWAYS got Charlotte!!! She was “The Boss” before there was one! I usually just scooted under the bed and slept there. No covers, but no Charlotte either!

The greatest thing I learned upstairs was something one of my brothers showed me (he told me not to tell anyone else). He’s in Heaven now; I don’t think he cares any more.

If you can imagine the shape of the roof of a traditional barn.

Now draw a line from one edge of the lower roof top to the other.

See the space between the lowest edge of the roof and the next fold of the roof? When the barn was converted that space was not used as part of that room,

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The Rx Channel

By Debbie Harris If TV stations were named based on the commercials they show, then my favorite channels appear to be the Prescription Drug Channels. Most of the commercials I see are for prescription drugs. Every once in a while I get to see that girl who named her new car Brad then totally wrecked Brad and sent him to the scrap yard, but ads like that are in the minority. In the span of about two weeks, I jotted down the names of 21 different prescription drugs advertised during the shows I watch. I didn’t count the number of times each drug showed up on my screen. I don’t have that kind of time.

The types of drugs advertised seem to fall into three categories: Social Acceptability, The Boosts, and Why Do You Have to Advertise???

Under the Social Acceptability category we have Chantix, to help people stop smoking. We get to see that friendly guy Ryan giving his testimonial a dozen times a day. He quit smoking with Chantix and so can you!

Eucrisa is a topical treatment for eczema that works “above and below the skin.” Cosentyx and Taltz both work on psoriasis (Is there a social support group for these people???) helping people achieve smooth, itch-free skin.

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Contrave helps with weight loss.

Use all three before posting a new profile on Match.com. Myrbetriq works on an overactive bladder and Viberzi deals with abdominal pain and diarrhea. Use these before the first date.

Your introduction to these medications shouldn’t come from TV advertisements.

Under The Boosts category we have Zostavax — the “single-shot shingles shot.” With this drug, you can avoid shingles and work on your tongue twisters. There is Entresto, which helps reduce the risk of death in people with heart failure. It shouldn’t be taken by people who are allergic to sacubitril or valsartan. And how would one know that? Take one of those and see what happens.

Both Victoza and Jardiance are for people who have Type 2 Diabetes and heart disease.

Oh boy, two treatments in one!

But Victoza is an injection that can accompany your insulin injection — as if diabetics need more reasons to puncture their skin. Anoro helps people with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease to breathe more easily.

But NEVER use it for asthma episodes. The stress of trying to be sure you’re using it right might make you need Viberzi.

Rexulti is a boost to your antidepression medication, when one more pill will make life worth living. Repatha is for when your regular cholesterol lowering drug (statin) just isn’t cutting it. But stay away from Repatha if you are allergic to rubber, latex or the needle covers on pre-filled syringes. What’s in this drug??

Prevagen helps with memory problems—if you remember to take it.

Why do you have to

advertise??? means: If you have this problem, your introduction to these medications shouldn’t come from TV advertisements.

In this category, there’s Eliquis, to help get rid of blood clots.

It comes with a risk of excess bleeding. What better way to get rid of a blood clot than to bleed it out! Xarelto works on blood clots too—in people with atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat), heart valve problems, and/or people who’ve had knee or hip replacement. Apparently there’s a lot of clotting going on out there.

Latuda works on people with bipolar depression and schizophrenia. And how does one know that they should “ask your doctor” about this?

Enbrel helps with moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis, as does Humira. Just be sure you don’t have contact with any germs, because these drugs lower your immune system.

Keytruda works on cancer, particularly skin and lung cancer.

Stay on that Chantix, Ryan or you might end up on Keytruda.

After familiarizing myself with all these drugs and hearing all the possible side effects read in rapidtransit fashion by the commercial announcer, I think I’d rather just stay healthy. Then I won’t have to listen to the commercials on The Rx Channel!

I met my soulmate. She didn’t.

15

By Daria James

Exactly where you like me (With a French accent and smoking a cigarette) Oh L’amour.

(Back to American accent) What a bunch of bologna! Here is the part where I flick my cigarette, mainly because uh, gross and dramatic effect. Falling in love has been romanticized for far too long by people who have no idea how to nail the landing, that is what happens after you fall, don’t get mad at me, blame gravity. Whether it is a free fall from a plane and you have a working parachute, falling down a waterfall, or falling down the stairs, you must eventually land, and we are not all equipped or physically prepared to perform such reckless stunts. To quote Aerosmith “Falling in love is so hard on your knees.”

When you enter a relationship, love is not an endless honeymoon with champagne and roses.

That is mentally draining and physically exhausting, not to mention demanding and it’s a bore when it becomes a chore.

Booyah! I am a poet. I need to get a pipe, it would help reinforce my points, an old-fashioned tobacco pipe. Or a monocle. Because that is right, all these words come naturally. Love is not strangling your husband when he snores.

Love is him bringing you ice cream after he said you were bloated. Love is both working out the dishes situation and choosing quality time over quantity time.

Help each other be a better roommate.

Why do people believe in this never-ending honeymoon, you ask? Because the movies end

with this “happy ending” and roll the credits. If they were to keep rolling, the audience would see their beloved damsels yell at prince charming for leaving his dirty socks in the kitchen and not helping with the baby responsibilities. Then prince charming would throw a tantrum because he wants to go to the bar and hang out with his bros like his life has not been affected by his new relationship. Hey, do not make changes if you do not want, but do compromise.

When you enter a relationship, love is not an endless honeymoon with champagne and roses.

Every relationship is different.

We might share similarities with other couples, but the chemistry and treaty my husband and I have in effect has different statutes of limitations. We also review and update them periodically, we must stay current with the times. I am hip. I know what’s cool. I also have a great agent, me. I am my best representative.

Besides, what’s love go to with it? No, seriously. One time we were joking about divorce and my husband got all Ike Turner (not the physical part, do not get ahead. I am talking about the court scene). He said everything is under his name so I would leave with nothing. So, I got all Tina, looked him straight in the eyes and said you can have it all! All I need is my name. Best part was the look of shock on his face. He hadn’t even watched the movie!

Must be a go-to male response when they feel vulnerable. But I did not break character and we are still happily married.

Marriage is like a marathon.

It’s all about endurance and you better have insurance. Was one of us bluffing? Perhaps, but we are not done yet.

People ask me to share relationship secrets. Truth is there aren’t any secrets, just leave the others alone and start with yourself. How can you love someone else when you do not love yourself? How can somebody else love you, if you do not love yourself? Light begets light, and baguettes if you are in France.

Nailed it!

You’ll see, before I met him, I was not looking for love, let alone looking for a husband. I was working on myself. I was on a spiritual journey. I was full of joy with dreams and aspirations while perspiration was happening at the gym during work out sessions. Boom! Nailed it again!

All I am saying, is we all have room for improvement, be the better you. The bare necessities of life will come to you! If you continue to run into the exact same issues with your prospective lovers and/or co-workers, it is not them it is you. Because what are the chances the universe is strategically positioning those a-holes for you to keep bumping into them? You attract what you put out, man. Every day is a new day, and you too can be simply the best!

Ok, wine might have had something to do with this. In my defense, it is really cold in my house. We are still working out the thermostat agreement. Do not negotiate with Russians in the winter.

1 Hour

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By Ted Gargiulo

Of Labor & Love

Signals are crucial to our wellbeing. They govern our decisions, tell us when to go, when to slow down, when to swerve to avoid a disaster, when to desist from making a bad situation worse. It behooves us, therefore, to recognize them and (hopefully) learn from them.

Take business etiquette, for example. An experienced job applicant watches for signs.

When the interviewer stands and extends his hand, it means the interview is over. That’s the applicant’s cue to rise as well, shake the person’s hand, and bring his business spiel to a tidy conclusion. He’s knows (or he ought to) that forcing

the conversation into double overtime after the meeting has officially ended will NOT win him additional points, and may, in fact, cost him what few he’s already earned. Some believe that dogged persistence shows strength of character and opens doors. However, unless you’re super confident or super motivated (I’m neither), your safest bet is to follow protocol and mind your manners. When it’s time to leave, LEAVE! If you’ve made a good impression, maybe someone will invite you back. Simple enough.

In matters of romance, the same basic principles apply, but they’re often more difficult to

discern, still harder to accept.

Case in point: When the girl you’ve travelled a great distance to see, a girl you thought was nuts about you, spends half the weekend with her hair rolled in soup cans, and the other half yakking on the phone to another guy, you can pretty well figure, if you have any sense, that the affair, relationship, or whatever fascination she once had for you, is over. Turning a blind eye while you’re being dumped on only invites further abuse. A third party observer would advise you to walk. And if you wish to maintain your self-respect, you’d do so without whining. To stubbornly appeal

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She was a lovely girl and our courtship was fast and furious.

I was fast and she was furious.

to the girl’s kinder nature at this point, or demand that she come to her senses and acknowledge the colossal injustice she’s perpetrating, is crass and undignified.

Parking your sorry, dejected butt in the threshold when a door is closing will NOT reinstate you into anyone’s affections.

Once you see that a “position” has been filled, or that you’ve been replaced by an applicant, or suitor, worthier than yourself, that’s your signal to make like a dog and “BOW-OUT.” Failure to do so when your time is up is tantamount to leaving the job interviewer standing by the door with his hand outstretched, while you rattle on about your qualifications. Not cool!

Listen: Parking your sorry, dejected butt in the threshold when a door is closing will NOT reinstate you into anyone’s affections. I learned that the hard way, so let me make this easier for you. Don’t play the chump. Don’t overstay your welcome. If you’re as special as you want people to think you are, they might just ask you back—unless you give them reason not to. If they don’t, bid them “Ta-ta!” and be gone.

When the future Mrs. G. graced my life 40 years ago, everything changed. For once, I understood what real love was all about. I began putting childish things away, clearing my cache of old habits, embracing happiness instead of defeat, even learning to like myself. Suffice it to say, I’ve long since purged all associations with my past. And that insensitive fool who ran my life has never darkened anyone’s threshold again.

Who’s Your Ratty?

By Robyn Justo After the rat invasion in Aptos, I was breathing a sigh of relief. I found an adorable little hobbit cottage in Pacific Grove and was enjoying my critter-less existence. Sure, most of my taller friends had to duck to get in the door, but my new place was cute as heck and oh so conveniently located to at least five coffee houses and more restaurants within waddling distance than a girl could imagine.

Then one day after about a month I started having headaches. Then I started to sneeze uncontrollably. I thought nothing of it until the day of my colonoscopy (one of the less pleasant procedures suggested as we get older.)

I was looking for a small purse in my closet because they advise not taking much into the clinic, but I needed something to hold my keys (if I could remember where I lived after the fentanyl), ID (in case I died or blew up), and maybe my cell phone (in case I changed my mind and needed to call someone for a quick escape before they dosed me).

I swear I could hear maniacal, high pitched giggles from beyond as I moved aside some clothes in my little hobbit closet, not to find the tiny bag I was looking for but instead to find the walls spotted with big mold. Surprise, surprise!! Not good, but it explained the headaches and the sneezing.

“Hee hee, ha ha!!” the voices squealed. Where were they coming from? I had an idea.

I texted my landlady and she called the moldbusters and an inspector came out almost immediately and soon my little

sanctuary was invaded (about an hour before my body would be) and it looked like a CSI crime scene. Machines and measuring devices were moved both within and without of my place. I was told that the results would be back in a few days. It was right before the Christmas holiday so I had the feeling that it would take longer and it did, so I lived in stacks of plastic tubs, with a noisy dehumidifier as an unwelcome roommate.

Revenge, restitution, karma, dogma, catma, ratma. What goes around comes around.

The results were not good.

Two guys came out and inspected the place and remediation was definitely needed. Now where would one hide in a 300 square foot hobbit house with men moving in and out with sanding machines and paint and plastic and tape? I could hear the sound of little rodent hands rubbing together in sheer delight.

The owners were more than gracious and let me out of my

17 lease and paid for damaged clothes and other items, yet again I was a boll weevil looking for a new home after less than two months. Little rat faces were smiling somewhere, happy that I was experiencing what they did after I disassembled their carefully constructed, green, fuzzy home under the hood of my car.

“WHO’S your Ratty??”

Revenge, restitution, karma, dogma, catma, ratma. What goes around comes around. We’ve all heard it.

I had to call my last landlady (from the place where the rats ate my car) for a reference to use as I was skittering around in a mad search for a warm new nest and she told me that she had moved. She also said that in the middle of the night a rat who had been living in her wall actually came through and was IN her closet! She felt it might be karma because of what had happened to me when I lived at her place. Pay it forward.

I landed in another new place not too far from the old one, but I sleep lightly now, listening carefully for strange noises and vengeful squeaking as I obsessively search for signs of mold.

Are we even now? Hope so.

Why was the centipede late?

Because he was playing “This little Piggy” with his baby brother!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie talkie!

What has 50 legs but can’t walk?

Half a centipede!

What do you call a guard with 100 legs?

A sentrypede!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?

Enough drumsticks to feed an army!

Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?

He took too long to put his boots on!

What is worse than an alligator with toothache?

A centipede with athlete’s foot!

I asked a guy if he had the time. He said he’d love to give it to me but wasn’t sure he could make the commitment.

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?

A centipede with a wooden leg!

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19 at the Monterey Museum of Art. This exhibit was the museum’s first artist residency where he engaged the community in issues of social practice and reciprocity through socio-cultural inquiry around artmaking. Dionicio now teaches in the visual and public art department at CSUMB. The Arts Council for Monterey County has been honoring Champions of the Arts since 2006. They celebrate individuals and organizations that make our region the best in the world to live, work, and visit. This year’s recipients are being honored at the annual gala in February with an anticipated attendance of 450 guests.

Dottie Dodgion: Lifetime Achievement Award With an infectious smile, charm and wit, she carries the beat and the heat. Dottie had been singing and playing drums all over the word since the 1950s with a list of “who’s who” of jazz greats.

The list includes Al Cohn, Benny Goodman, Zoot Sims and Melba Liston.

Dottie has earned her place among the true jazz legions. She still performs at Spanish Bay every week with her trio where the music is smooth, and the stories are riveting. Apple Pie, Apple Pie Apple Pie!

Festival’s Education Director Paul Contos in a special program for at-risk youth.

Juan-Carlos Gonzalez: Luminary Award Juan-Carlos is a visual Interdisciplinary and communitybased artist. His work includes acrylic, oil, watercolor paintings, drawings, murals, installations, and creative happenings.

He founded the Urban Arts Collaborative, a cadre of urban artists that curates and creates safe spaces for youth healing, creative expression, leadership, and advocacy for health equity and social transformation through the arts.

Marcie Chapa: Educator Award Marcie, an international percussionist, is a leading educator in our region as a teacher, band leader and a contributing educator with the Monterey Jazz Festival. She performed as a touring member of Beyoncé’s ensemble, and is now directing the band and drumline at North Monterey County High School. Marcie previously taught alongside the Monterey Jazz

Silka Saavedra: Volunteer Leader Award Silka has brought arts and community programming to the city of Greenfield for over ten years.

She has improved the community’s quality of life by supporting the preservation of traditional art. She has brought dance and art programs with the Sunday’s In the Park Program and through her leadership as chair of the Greenfield Cultural Arts Center, works with businesses and schools to bring free programs to the migrant farming community.

Dionicio Mendoza: Professional Artist Award Dionicio is a dedicated artist whose recent projects include a solo exhibition and artist residency entitled, Process in Progress: New Mixed Media Works and Works in Progress

Denese Sanders: Nonprofit Award Owner and founder of Open Ground Studios located in Seaside. Denese is dedicated to making the finest printmaking facility in Monterey County.

She has provided guidance, opportunity and support countless artists, both young and old through her teaching, counseling and studio space.

Malcom and Judith Weintraub: Art Supporter Award For decades, they have mentored young artists, providing a platform and working as living advocates for the transformative power of art. Together, they have widened the aperture and increased the reach of the arts.

More info: www.arts4mc.org

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1) What’s the most ridiculous fact you know?

2) What do you wish you knew more about?

3) What do you wish your brain was better at doing?

4) Are you usually early or late?

Bob #1 1) I like snakes. Some boa constrictors don’t need males to reproduce.

2) Why movie theaters in Columbia serve dried ants instead of popcorn.

3) I practice trying to move objects with my brain.

I’ve been unsuccessful.

4) I’m always late. The later I am, the more I think about it. I’m a deep thinker.

Robert 1) We spend about five months of our lives in cars waiting at a red light.

2) Why Abe Lincoln wanted to be president instead of a professional wrestler.

3) My brain is fully functioning and I use it all. Not the 10 percent you’re capped at.

4) I’m on time all the time.

Roberta 1) Women blink nearly twice as often as men.

2) Why Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia accures.

3) I tend to over think things.

4) I like to be early. Sometimes days early.

Bob #2 1) No turtles were harmed in the making of Turtle Wax. 2) Why can’t I hum when I hold my nose closed?

3) Remembering things.

4) Sometimes I just don’t show up.

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By Michael Houston “Life is but a song, and songs tell the tale,” muralist weaver Marco Javier Rivera O’Gorman observed over a cool green kale draught.

Slightly off key he added, “El patio de mi casa, que es particular Se moja y se seca, como los demás…”

- And justice drops like rain, “ I bantered back. “So how’d you do at the church social, amigo?”

“Con esta sí, con esta no Con esta chaparrita ando yo.”

- Glad to hear it! You were getting a bit indiscriminate at the lifemate yogurt freeze ball last month.

- Like I was telling you, “I wish, I wish I wish in vain.

I wish I were young again.

But young again I’ll never be, ’Til roses grow on avocado trees.”

“Get over it. How’s the assisted living gig going?”

Panameña, Panameña Panameña, mi querida Quiero que tu me llevas Al tambor de alegria “So they’ve got the percussion thing down, vato?”

- Like the holy hour at Joe’s in the grangeyard. Magic and good crac…

“It’s shots of whiskey, Make old men frisky And pints of porter Make young men gray - So you’ve got the jukebox in your head again?

- How are the neighbors taking the algave music patio come Wednesdays, boss?

“What can’t be cured, love Must be endured love.

So now I’m of to Cal-i-for-ni-ay”

Monterey Children’s Steet Songs

- I see, said mi blind granny, as she waved her wooden leg.

- Takes all kinds doesn’t it?

And the children’s songs?

“Driver on the bus said, “GET ON BACK,” Rosa Parks said, I’M NOT MOVING.” - Right side of history… but you’re just a half-step out of the gutter.

What’s with you and your high horse.

- Nosotros venceremos, baby.

- Save it for St. Paddy’s Day. -Been waiting for that…

“Sweet Rosa was a lovely child, lovely child, lovely child, Pricked her finger on a thorn, on a thorn, on a thorn Pricked her finger on a thorn… long time ago.”

-Yes, yes, yes. Bushes grow up all around…Handsome prince comes riding by, Cuts the bushes one by one, kisses sweet Rosa on the hand, and she sleeps no more.

Freudian interpretations of nursery rhymes are out of fashion like Old Fashions, Squire.

- Great storyline, nonetheless.

Virtue overcomes spite and envy.

- Talk about long time ago! Mick, common decency is beyond memory’s view these days!

- Better times are coming, me lad.

“In the sky, Lord, in the sky!” rings out the chorus.

- Yeah, well Peg Clancy Power had a great one…

“SHE DIDN’T DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, SHE DIDN’T DANCE AT ALL TODAY

SHE DIDN’T DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, TODAY NOR YESTERDAY. SHE WAS LIKE A LADY, SHE WAS LIKE A QUEEN SHE WAS LIKE A LADY, DOWN THE FAIR GLEN.” - Well, yes. It does suggest the power of the goddess and all that, but it’s the striving for peace and the empowerment of women in these troubled times’ tone is what gets to me.

- Well, yes. Every good street mariachi not doing time in the psych ward does some songs that are NOT exclusively and unequivocally about rapine, boozing, heroic dying rebels, misogyny, wanton murder, theft, shocking comic behavior, and improper dietary beliefs.

- Exactly! Michael, John and Jerry are helping me work out some songs that foster nurturing all the children of the nation equally. Songs like Head And Shoulders Knees and Toes; the forementioned Wheels on the Bus featuring Rosa Parks; She’ll Be Driving A Light Blue Prius When She Comes!; Paw Paw Patch; You Are My Sunshine; Keep on the Sunny Side; Cielito Lindo; La Bamba; De Colores; This Land is Your Land; Pack Up Your Sorrows; Tell Me Ma; Wee Falorie Man; and Danny Boy. - Well, of course, like Plato, you can leave the young ones on the path to find Help Me Make It Through the Night; Lost Highway; Valentin de la Sierra; Your Cheating Heart; La Cucaracha; Mama Tried; Molly

Magee; Galway Girl (Sharon Shannon not Ed Sheerhan); Brown Eyed Girl; Before the Next Teardrop Falls; It Stoned Me; and Folsom Prison Blues on their own.

- And what with all the confusion over Brexit by March 28, anyone with any Irish connection may want to pause to reflect on all the ironic misery partition and religious aparthied have done in the world. Then they can imbibe strong vegan spirits and phantasmagoria with Bogside Man; Sean South of Garryowen; Fairytale in New York; Whiskey You’re the Devil; Kevin Barry; Armoured Cars and Tanks and Guns; Dicey Riley; Wild Rover; and the like.

Editor’s note: No copyrights or animals were harmed in the creation of this allegedly fair use educational and/or comic column.

Men rule the roost.

Woman rule the rooster.

22

By Craig Hubler

THE SLEEP TALKERS

It was Julie’s first place of her own. Having finally graduated, and being comfortably employed, she had found an apartment. She enjoyed the solitude of her newold place; it was old because her apartment was actually part of a stately, antique mansion that had been divided into three unusual pieces.

Her landlords were a friendly, senior couple who were also her next-door neighbors. She had discovered almost immediately just how thin the walls were in the old abode. When she was still and there were no other distractions, she could hear the couple’s voices as if they were standing on the other side of the room. Mildly annoying at first, Julie dismissed this inconvenience after the first day or so, learning, for the most part, to ignore it. Her neighbors were so low-key that the only time she really noticed anything bothersome was late at night, when they would both begin to snore.

Even that, though, was bearable, and Julie began to imagine that there were two monks next door chanting.

Their routine soon became even

a comfort to her, and she had no problems falling asleep to the gentle rise and fall of their snoring.

One night two weeks after she had moved in, just as she was falling asleep to the nocturnal duet, Julie was surprised to suddenly hear a voice. It was a man’s voice, and then a woman’s answered. At first she thought the pair had awoken for some reason and were talking about something, but she could hear also, in between their words, their gentle snores. She knew then, bizarre as it seemed that they were talking to one another in their sleep! Not only that, but the dialogue continued all … night … long.

On the morn, as Julie was preparing to go to work on what little sleep she had gotten, her friend Jill came by to say hi and to make plans for later on. “You look terrible, Julie,” she said.

“Didn’t sleep much,” Julie replied in between sips of coffee.

“The two next door kept me up most of the night, talking. I could have asked them to quiet down, but,” she smirked and shook her head, “they were both asleep!”

When Bob and Bonnie had

met, though only 37 at the time, Bob had already been through a 17-year marriage—and had five children, to boot. Bonnie was 10 years his senior and had never been married or had children of her own. As the relationship had bloomed, all of the reasons they thought a union for them wouldn’t work melted away.

Now 20 years later, they were celebrating their anniversary in a most romantic way.

She knew then, bizarre as it seemed that they were talking to one another in their sleep!

They kept mostly to themselves these days, living in the old estate that Bonnie had inherited a few years back. With some help, Bob had been able to split the house into three spaces, and just two weeks prior they had rented the last space, the one next to them, to a nice young woman.

After a full day consisting of a picnic, a walk, dinner, and dancing, they lay in bed reminiscing before falling asleep.

“I know I’ve said this before,

Bonnie, but I would love to have known you when you were a teenager.”

“I was too wild back then,” she answered. “But you, I think, would have definitely been worth knowing.”

As they drifted off into dreamland, a higher power intervened and gave them, that night, an extraordinary gift. They both had the exact same dream, at the exact same time.

Morning found them wrapped in each other’s arms, and when they awoke and stared into one another’s eyes, they smiled together, knowing not a word need be spoken.

“So!” said Jill, absolutely fascinated now, “what did they say, what did they say?

“That’s the crazy part,” said Julie. “They sounded … like a couple of teenagers!”

Craig Hubler is a local metal sculptor and serves as a city council member in Sand City. His short story collection, “Surprise, Seventeen Short Stories to Exercise Your Eyebrows,” can be purchased online through Amazon or wherever books are sold.

To err is human but to really screw up it takes a computer.

23

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Three college friends go to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they are to be executed for a crime they don’t remember committing.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am from the San Diego School of Divinity and believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die so they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. “I’m from the Stanford School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side and let him go. The last one is strapped in and says, “I’m an electrical engineering major at CSUMB and you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires.

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of The Crown & Anchor. Come in and feel the love by their hospitality and humor.

Answers on page 24

24

Foolish Search

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 23

Answers

I was playing golf with a friend when we reached the ninth hole on a very difficult course.

He hit his ball into an extremely deep hazard just to the right of the green. Rather than take a penalty he went down to play his ball.

“Not bad for three strokes”, he said as his ball trickled across the green.

“I heard at least six strokes.”

My friend replied, “Three of them were echoes.”

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Sucks to be YOU! Delayed flight...

26

February 1 -24

February 9

Billy Elliot

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February 2

Beer Wine & Valentines Sip, munch and dance the afternoon away while contributing to a great cause. www.ccqlp.org

February 4-10

Groundhog Day

February 15

Single Awareness Day

February 5

The annual red carpet event showcases and honors extraordinary vision, talent, dedication and passion of the world class art in our community and the people who make it happen. www.arts4mc.org

Occupying the last position in 12 Chinese Zodiac animals, Pig is mild and lucky representing carefree fun, good fortune and wealth.

February 3

February 6

Super Bowl Sunday

The Brady/ Belichick show is back for the third straight year. The Rams last appearance was 1980.

February 14

The one day a year when we ask ourselves, ‘Where would I be without you?’

February 2

Champions of the Arts

Romeo & Juliet

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Valentine’s Day

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Chinese New Year Year of the Pig

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