Foolish Times April 2018

April 2018

Sorry I was out sick all week...

My arm was in a cast!

Language Fest » Pg. 25 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

2

SECOND CHANCE

105 CENTRAL AVE, PACIFIC GROVE 2311 N FREMONT ST, MONTEREY (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org

PLATO’S CLOSET

402 LIGHTHOUSE AVE, MONTEREY (831) 641-9919 // www.platosclosetmonterey.com

RESALE TRAIL THE BEST IN REPURPOSED, CONSIGNED, VINTAGE & THRIFT!

Trade In, Trade Up! Buys and sells trendy teen and young adult guys and girls’ clothing.

SPCA BENEFIT SHOP

26364 CARMEL RANCHO LN. CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA (831) 624-4211 // www.spcamc.org The SPCA is an independent nonprofit organization serving the animals & people of Monterey County since 1905.

APRIL HABITAT RESTORE

4230 GIGLING ROAD, MARINA (831) 272-4830 // www.habitatmontereybay.org Benefits Habitat for Humanity Monterey County.

Provides safe and affordable shelter for needy family and communities.

FEATURED SHOP PLATO’S CLOSET

Plato’s closet offers a large selection of quality, trendy teen and young adult clothing and accessories at 70% off mall prices. Come shop with us today for your favorite brands under one roof.

3

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools

The Chucklehead Speaks This past month we went through a teenage crisis.

After almost 15 years of publishing, we switched printers. As typical teenagers, we don’t like change and fought it. It’s like our parents telling us what is good for us and we don’t listen. “When I was your age we blah blah blah and that made us better to cope with blah blah blah. You may not understand today why change is necessary but in the future you’ll thank us blah blah blah.”

We may not have liked what they said but they were right although we certainly are not going to admit that to them. Parenting today is very different.

It’s basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is. Kids would rather text than talk. God made our generation with two ears and one mouth so we can listen more and speak less. God took a day off

from watching over us which allowed kids to figure out they have two thumbs so they don’t have to listen or make any noise to communicate. Two thumbs up dude!

The one thing all generations have in common is we all read. Thank you to our young audience for paying attention to us and the more mature for not acting like my parents as we grow and change…blah, blah, blah.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Chucklehead.....................Stevie P. Editorial Fool.....................Susie Q. Art Fool.....................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool....................Jonah Dee

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana B. Larrabee, Keith Larson, Sali, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, C.J. Paghasian, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

4

50,000wrong!

Readers can’t

be

Thank you all for reading

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?

Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

How are men like parking spaces?

All the good ones are taken, and the ones leftover are disabled.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?

Visit the closest mental hospital.

What should you do if your man walks out?

Shut the door and celebrate.

Why shouldn’t you trust a man who claims he”wears the pants”?

He probably lies about other stuff, too.

and supporting our advertisers

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They really are too darn proud to stop and ask for directions.

Why does the average woman reportedly want beauty more than brains?

Because the average man can see so much better than he thinks.

Celebrate

How are splinters better than a man?

Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Our 3rd Anniversary

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?

A knife has a point.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It’s not the lightbulb that needs changing.

Why did God make Adam before Eve? Everyone needs a rough draft before they make the final copy.

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?

Divorced.

What kind of man can you actually change?

The ones still in diapers.

Open Daily For Lunch & Dinner Private Parties Welcome Catering

429 Alvarado St, Monterey | www.fullmoonmonterey.com

5

Bottle Shoppe Surf N Sand Liquors

Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town.

Chilled wines & champagne.

Wine tasting room.

Visit our cigar lounge.

Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805

Late Night Denny’s

Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge.

Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

Café Bay Café & Cantina

Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet-friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts.

55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

Fast Food If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

Promote your restaurant here 831.648.1038

Donuts Red’s

Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts.

433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444

Chinese Full Moon

Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

Seafood I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

Breakfast First Awakenings

...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

Italian Gino’s

Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Mexican Jose’s

A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

Wine Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

Japanese Wakatobi Japanese Grill

GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

Pubs Crown & Anchor

Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

Thai Yangtse’s Taste of Thai

Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli

Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available.

Carmel 831.624.3821

Salad Bar Crazy Horse

The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

6 Stacy: I’ll give you my lawyer’s card to hand out.

Richard: It’s a total change in lifestyle. How old are you?

By Stacy Lininger

Meet Richard Stockton Stacy: You have been touted as a stand up comedian, talk show host, empowerment sage and outrageous lampooner. Have I left anything out?

Richard: I also do a morning rant on KPIG, 107.5 on your FM dial, Monday through Friday at 6:30 and 8:30am. I cover edgy topics happening on the Central Coast.

Right now I am working on a Santa Cruz sex survey since Santa Cruz has been voted the best city for singles.

Stacy: A Monterey Peninsula sex survey would look something like this: Q: When’s the last time you had sex? A: I don’t know, let me check my abacus.

Richard: Sometimes I get in trouble like when I interviewed gun lobbyist, Larry Pratt, about Jesus and the right to own guns. People were calling and complaining and the shit hit the fan, but KPIG stands behind me.

Stacy: What does it mean to be an outrageous lampooner?

Richard: It means getting on KPIG and raving about the connection between guns and Jesus. And stand up comedy is … well, how else can you do it?

Stacy: Who were your earliest comedic influences?

Richard: I hate to say this now but when I heard Bill Cosby do Noah on Ed Sullivan, it changed my life. I began telling stories and jokes when I was very, very young.

There was also Steve Martin. I was playing music and trying to make it as a folk singer. For a while, in the very beginning, my act looked a lot like Steve Martin’s.

Stacy: Where are you performing stand up now, do you have any shows coming up.

Richard: Right now I am working at several RV parks, a theatre, and “Stand up Live” in Arizona.

Stacy: So these RV parks have stand up comedy?

Richard: RV parks have awesome audiences.

Stacy: Where exactly is the stage?

Where is the show? I have never been interested in the RV lifestyle until now.

Richard: They have theaters now, there’s a stage and happy hour.

Stacy: In dog years? I used to be fetching, now I just fetch.

Richard: I’ve taken my “Boomer Humor” one man show on the road.

I did it at the Rio in Santa Cruz and a few other venues with my buddies Will Durst and Dan St. Paul. It was sold out at the Kuumbwa Jazz Center.

Stacy: You wrote a book called “Fondle the Fear.” Don’t people run from fear? Are you an anarchist?

Richard: Yeah, well what do you mean? I believe you can take what you are afraid of and make it positive. For example, when you think about California being ranked 49th when it comes to education, just say thank God for Alabama.

Richard: Yes, I will be on the cover of “Good Times” on April 4 for a story about my arrest and incarceration for seven counts of armed robbery until I was found innocent.

Stacy: Is that an April Fool’s joke?

Richard: No, it is a true story I lived to tell in support of “The Innocence Project,” not to be missed.

For more information on Richard Stockton go to: Richard@ planetcruzcomedy.com, KPIG on Facebook under “underdog unleashed” (also available on you tube) or sign up for his three-day comedy workshop at Cabrillo College in June.

Stacy: Do you have anything coming up in the Santa Cruz area we should be on the look out for?

MAKE ME

Stacy: So, it’s BYOB? Richard: No you just show up and people start pouring for you.

From what I can tell, those RVs are stocked.

Hot Honey Burgers

Stacy: And then they drive.

Richard: Yeah, well a lot of them are locals.

Ingredients • 2 lbs. hamburger meat • 1 medium onion, diced • 1 green onion stalk, chopped

On the Internet you can be anything you want.

It’s so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

• 6 tbsp. jalapeños, finely diced • 1 tbsp. rosemary • 6 tbsp. honey

Directions 1. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients. Mix well.

2. Form meat into 8 balls.

3. Grill until desired doneness.

7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The yawning age of Aquarius gyrates into ARIES! There is no slow precessional rotation here for you Ramolossal! Your new beginnings are fervid placental renaissances just bursting with 50 new shades of sway. Yippee!

Happy Birthday! Take a cha, cha, cha, chance - You are chock fool of ideas.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Bungalow Bull! You put so much pressure on yourself to be funny, you blew a gasket and crushed all the eggs in your basket. Lighthearted doesn’t mean a palpitation vs a stroke in the meadow of your dreams. Try streaming a few anecdotes for hypertension and repeat the word harmony over and over and your Ticket to Ride will arrive!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins They’re claiming you’re a HOAX! Yet truly you are a transmission line for high-frequency signals, which happens to be a coax.”They” get it wrong often with you Gem because you leave a trail of unfinished tasks. Do you want to know a secret? The flasks don’t help either. (Tidy Bowl Up).

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Eight days of weak limbs tingling in the dead of night could mean one of your claws is experiencing paresthesia. This occurs in Crabbies when they have tricky encounters with relatives sneaking in through the bathroom window after being told to leave repeatedly.

That oil drum in the back alley is starting to look like a spa vacation, yeah, go hide, you’ll feel at home scavenging.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion In your PURR-SUIT of happiness you bit into one too many juggulars! Too many balls in the air can make a pretty wreath, but the town’s people don’t seem to be in a playful mood. (Some are still bleeding). LEO’s over-exuberance alert has been activated. Hang in your flowering tower for another hour until you figure out your next action ... for now enjoy being the Fool on the Hill for a change.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Hello, Goodbye. Messy feelings you’d rather not examine are emerging. This ain’t no fools errand to dive into a nonsensical hole which may contain a whole new story. (You need this). Turn those pages that summon the sages that will urge you to yell”HELP, I need somebody HELP.” Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales PLease, PLease me. This is getting redundant, instead make due with what is abundant, your self-esteem.

Well, it’s Getting Better All the Time. All You Need is Love, and some beetlejuice to scale off the dead skin.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Sgt. Fretter’s lonely hearts club...

How cockamamie is your lone warrior act going to get?! This long climactic medley of yours is pushing your chums straight into golden slumbers. Perhaps one of your cheeky devil pranks could get you on a magical mystery tour of Sie Liebt Dich.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer ABSURD how Life can be so sweet on ya SAG. Is it that snowy blossom complexion of yours or the dappling light? Either way, this dreamy spectacle of all great things that are, has some common cents in it - And it’s the TAXMAN ! Time to Pay up! I believe in the themes of things, such as the constant giveth and taketh away, there is an equal groweth upeth in every bouquet.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier BYOB is responsibility towards our beloved Earth. You the openminded Water Bearer knows that Every Little Thing you do counts, as does a fractal in a Monet.

But when resistance twists your empowerment into Norwegian Wood, remember you’re floating right above the water line and just above the deep end.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes You are not looney in disguise with almonds! You are a wide variety of ART, a beautiful Dreamer.

Your head in the clouds is the kaleidoscope that glides onto the spectral paints and observes how ordinary reveals extraordinary.

Humility is your stability for your gullibility. PI in the sky.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat It’s been a long day and even daylight savings time can only make small change for you. You’ve carried this weight a long time.The past is heavy when looking back at today’s breakfast bagel. Get your pillow, looks like it could be A Hard Day’s Night.

There is a new superhero movie called Placebo-Man. He doesn’t really have any super powers. He’s just a normal guy that everyone thinks is a superhero.

8

Charles Darwin Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard.

One of the blond girls whispers to the other,”Wow, look, it’s Charles Darwin!!”

“Are you stupid, he’s been dead for over 200 years!” the other blonde replies.

Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says,”Howdy Charles, I haven’t seen you for hundreds of years, what have you been up to?”

The first blonde says to the second,”Who’s stupid now?”

First Football Game A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied,”especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked,”What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

Bakery Shenanigans A brunette and a blond go into a bakery. The blond immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the brunette,”See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.”

The brunette says to the blond,”That’s typical of you blonds.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

They say, “Don’t try this at home.”

So I’m coming over to your house to try it.

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says,”Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The brunette swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the brunette swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,”So what did you do with the pastries?”

The brunette replies,”Look in the blond’s back pocket.....”

Sure enough, she fails the class again, and shouldn’t walk across the stage, but the admins invite her to the ceremony.

They stand her before everyone and say,”Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?”

The blonde thinks about it for a while and finally says,”Four.”

The crowd stands up in objection and demands,”Give her another chance!!”

Blond Blue-tooth

A Blonde’s Year in Review

A blonde went to the dentist.

“I want you to paint my teeth blue.”

“What!?” exclaimed the dentist.

“Just do it!!”

So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her.

You’re on your mobile while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.”

“Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”

January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! ... bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

March Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in six months ... box said,”2-4 years!”

April Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... eight cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June Tried to go water skiing ... couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said, “concentrate.”

August Got locked out of my car in a rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September The capital of California is C ... isn’t it ?

October Hate M&M’s ... they are so hard to peel.

November Baked turkey for four and onehalf days ... instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December Couldn’t call 911 ... ‘duh’ ... there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!

Blonde on Fire A blonde’s house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, “Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!”

The operator said,”Okay, calm down and we’ll be there soon. How do we get to your house?”

The blonde answered,”Duh, in that big red truck!”

Blonde International Training College A blonde has been attending Blonde International Training College, a school set up to give blondes a chance to make it in the real world, for 10 years. She keeps failing this one class that she needs to graduate: basic math. The administrators need to get her out to make room for new students, but can’t just give her the grade.

So, they instead decide to ask her a simple math question at the graduation ceremony. If she answers correctly, she graduates.

Just Desserts

By Dana B. Larrabee

While the films of the silent era (1902-1927) are mostly forgotten curiosities, those of Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd have survived and regularly turn up at cinema retrospectives and on the Turner Classic Movie Channel. But there are other lesser known silent era comedies that can still startle and delight in the era of CGI, Panavision, 3-D and Dolby Surround- Sound — perhaps even funnier today than when they were shot back in the 1920s.

If any one “custard pie” feature comedy tops the list of all-time greats, it’s His Just Desserts starring Susie Murillo, who was to silent films what Ilana Becker is to today’s TV sitcoms. Desserts zips along at a breakneck pace, setting up all its characters and basic plot in the first two reels. The last three build to a trio of hysterically funny

sequences; non-stop onslaughts of inventive pie gags all worked out

by Murillo herself, who also codirected with Larry Danabe.

But when the picture was made in 1927, “custard pie comedy” was considered old hat; passé. After all, Laurel and Hardy did it best years before in Battle of the Century and critics opined so-called “pie pics” were dead. Nevertheless, no other movie tops the inspired pie-plastering melées we get in Desserts.

Susie plays Sylvia McVye, who inherits the Mother McVye’s Pie Company and discovers the firm is near collapse due to plummeting sales. To turn things around Susie recruits the dapper fast-talking “efficiency expert” Peter Calverton (Norman Desmond) with whom she quickly becomes infatuated.

Completely conned, she gives him

9 carte blanche to implement an automated pie-baking system to put the company in the black — in “apple pie order,” so to speak.

Disorder is what results!

Unbeknownst to Susie, Calverton plans to layoff most of her female workforce. They get wind of the scheme and two baker-activists (Rosie Sudrigez and Aleta Suntan) vow to sabotage Calverton. Their well-targeted campaign begins when Rosie stages a fake tryst with Calverton behind the pie-making machinery — making certain Susie catches him in the act. That’s when Susie enthusiastically delivers Calverton’s first pie in the eye!

Another pie-perfect sequence is where Peter in a presentation to potential distributors, challenges the workers to a bake-off and taste test competition against his new auto-pie system. In a sequence outdoing Chaplin’s Modern Times, the mechanized assembly line goes haywire (Suntan has reversed some electrical connections and amped up the power) so pies fly fast and furiously into the faces of Calverton and the astounded attendees!

The entire fiasco is recorded on film by the newsreel crew Peter hired. In one trick shot, Murillo hurls a pie directly at the audience, in effect, right in our faces! Then the camera pulls back to reveal a disgruntled operator clearing banana cream off the lens.

A Arnold Sersen, who worked on DeMille’s Noah’s Ark created Desserts’ special effects. “We set up a sheet of tempered glass about a foot in front of the Mitchell,” he recalls. “We had Susie lob a pie — smack! Right at it! She had a hell of an arm, too, that woman! Then we’d clean off the glass and have her do it over ‘til we got what we wanted. And that shot got one of the biggest laughs in the picture!”

To add insult to injury, Murillo appropriates Calverton’s newsreel footage for a Mother McVye’s screen ad that sucks in theater staff, the audience, police, fire fighters, everyone — into an uproarious pie-throwing maelstrom. The ingenuity of this sequence is staggering, with pies

flying right off the movie screen into the face of the audience!

For the crowded theater scenes, Sersen had catapults loaded with pies strategically placed out of camera range. A master control let him send pies flying on cue to enhance whatever the actors were doing. “The most challenging part,” Sersen confides, “Was preparing the damn pies and all the clean-up after.”

The simple but deliberately contrived plot is the perfect framework for classic gag sequences that build to a frenzied melée of pie-flying slapstick raining down on Calverton and everyone around him in the final reel.

Thanks to the comical movie ads, McVye’s Pies become big sellers.

Calverton’s assembly-line methods are scrapped, but along with his walking papers, he does wind up with a cash bonus for arranging the filming. So like all good “custard pie” comedies, everyone lives happie-ly ever after!

His Just Desserts was so successful, Kinegraph-Mutual added new scenes plus a sound track and re-released it in 1934 to equally enthusiastic audiences.

A national pie distributor even paid for the rights to use the name “Mother McVye’s” with a photo of Susie Murillo to market pastries under that brand name well into the 1950s. Footage from Desserts’ best pie-fight sequences turns up in some later Three Stooges shorts as well as Chase Weaver’s excellent 1972 Comedy Stew compilation film celebrating comedians of the silent film era.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

10

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see I weighed 144 pounds. I joked with the medical assistant about taking off the last four pounds when she documented my weight.

A few moments later the doctor came in and started flipping through the chart. “I see you lost weight. You’re down to 14 pounds.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 24

11

We appreciate your business Come in and Experience

The Best Connection to Locally Sourced Products Best Butcher Shop

Best Neighborhood Market

Expires April 30, 2018

242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove Open Monday- Saturday 8-7pm Sunday 9-6pm Family owned operated since 1969

By Daria James

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems Lucy is our four-year-old, 50 pound, terrier-mix dog-daughter.

She is not a Pitbull and her papers clearly state that. We adopted her from a shelter in Ohio when she was two years old (in dog years), that’s a double rescue, if you ask me. We do not know the life she lived before we met. I do not wonder about her past, I am happy she came into our lives. I do reconsider that decision when I have to walk her in the cold East Coast winter, especially when it is raining. Nevertheless, this is our life now.

She is a noble beast who loves to cuddle with us and chase squirrels because they are little furry hoodlums that keep breaking our bird feeders like some little Furryfellas gang. Recently, I took

my dog for her yearly physical; the vet gave her four shots and said she was a fine healthy girl and gave her a dog biscuit. She then proceeded to charge me an amount of money someone could have used to make a car payment, or buy a Louis Vuitton keychain, depending on your priorities here.

I will keep an eye on her. If she starts listening to Dashboard Confessional I will give you a rang.

Then she said to watch her for the next 24 hours and look for any signs of depression. Depression?!

My dog?! She has a better life than the one I had when I was her age.

Why would she get depressed? I am depressed. I just paid you all

Phone 831.375.9581 For more offers visit

www.grovemarketgrocery.com

this money. But sure, I will keep an eye on her. If she starts listening to Dashboard Confessional I will give you a rang. Then we drove home.

I do not mean to sound like one of those baby boomers, but, when I was growing up in México I used to take my dog to the free vet once a year for his rabies shot. That was it. When he got a dog-ingrown toenail, I used my dad’s metal filer and some scissors to cut that off.

He totally hated the alcohol part, a necessary precaution may I add.

Back then, I did not have internet, or a computer. I just figured out what to do with the scarce resources I had available. Today my daughter has Google and a tablet with Wi-Fi. Times are a-changing I tell you, but so am I, why? Because you have to keep up. Even if you disapprove of the new generational gadgets, deteriorating customs and courtesies, and the overall hypersensitivity. I consider myself hip because I know what is cool; if you get that musical reference you are probably older than I am.

Some of the keys to succeed in this new modern world are having friends from diverse circles and different age groups. We all have different points of view because we grew up with different socioeconomic backgrounds. We can probably come together in one of those Venn diagrams.

I have met people from similar backgrounds as mine, but our stories differ. I chose a different path. I do not stop.

Some countries do not have enough medical resources to care for their people. In America, a dog’s life can be the American dream of some. I mean you could belong to an eccentric millionaire who decides she wants to clone you twice! Cloning your dog is way cooler than just setting your money on fire, that’s just reckless. Unless you do it to make a statement, like the Joker did in the Dark Knight.

He is not a criminal for the money; he is in it for the thrills. It does not matter what some pop star claim.

Nobody loves cheap thrills. Thrills cost money.

12

Senior Citizens &

By Rex Keyes April is a very important month for Senior Citizens. It is the last of two months available to travel before school lets out and all the tourist areas are super crowded.

Once school lets out and families can bring their kids, then the hotels are booked, camping grounds are booked and museums, national parks and beaches are flooded with people. So if you are a senior citizen and wish to travel somewhere it is best done now or otherwise it will not be until three months after May that tourism slacks off and hotel and travel costs go down.

April Fool’s Day

That’s when the travel industry and agencies offer special deals to attract seniors in order for them to keep on bringing in revenue. And September through May is when seniors lock up their house and head for the Bahamas or Europe or fire up that RV in the backyard to travel around the U.S. and Canada.

Now that I’ve mentioned senior citizens I will jump further into the subject. Senior citizens are pretty smart. They have retirement figured out, as for example mentioned above, traveling during the off seasons for low rates. They

Children in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause children.

also have shopping figured out.

Seniors usually shop at Costco during the weekdays to avoid crowds. One can spot them with their gray hair with men wearing Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian short sleeve shirts and sandals and their spouses dressed very, very casually.

September through May is when seniors lock up their house and head for the Bahamas or Europe.

Now why would they buy at Costco? Everything is usually in bulk, too much for just two retired people. That’s simple, as they have it figured out. Normally seniors have an extra freezer at home so that when they buy in bulk they break it down in smaller parts, pack them in small bags and put it in the freezer for storage. Then if they want a snack or something for dinner they just take it out of the smaller package. Then there is stuff that is not good at freezing

like for instance sauerkraut.

Sauerkraut comes in a very large jar and is good with those Costco Polish hot dogs. But the jar usually will provide over six months supply of sauerkraut for two people. So the solution is to pour half of one jar into a regular container and the other half into a vacuum seal container. Yes, many seniors have a vacuum sealer device that vacuum seals plastic bags and vacuum liquid containers. Sauerkraut that is vacuum sealed will last a longtime. And when the regular container is used up just open the vacuumed sealed container and the contents will be fresh.

April has a lot of special days in the month. There are two days associated with humor and those are April Fool’s Day and Humorous Day on April 19. There is also Easter Sunday. It so happens by coincidence that Easter Sunday and April Fool’s Day is celebrated on the same day. Usually on Easter Sunday families get together and have a big dinner. Now, if one person in the family was good at playing April Fool’s jokes that person could have a blast playing April Fool’s jokes with the members of the visiting families.

Just a thought!!

Good luck on planning April Fool’s on Easter Sunday!!

Enrich Your Vocabulary III

By Debbie Harris

In two prior issues of Foolish Times I have presented words given to me in the daily word-a-day vocabulary enrichments I receive, words I can’t see being used in present day. This month I continue this discussion and offer: Sward—(pronounced sord)—a portion of ground covered with grass. Not to be confused with the knife-like stabbing kind.

Consider:”My yard is getting out of control. This Saturday I’d better mow my sward.” You swashbuckler, you!

Progenitor—(pronounced prō-JEN-nǝ-tǝr)—an ancestor in the direct line; forefather.”Four score and seven years ago, our progenitors brought forth on this continent” . . . Nope.”For Christmas this year, our whole family is going to our progenitor’s house for a big celebration.” Sounds technical.

Nictitate—(pronounced NIKtuh-tayt)—to close and open quickly; to shut one eye briefly; wink. Sounds like it should have something to do with cigarettes.

Maybe it’s the way smokers open and close their eyes as they take

in that first puff. “I thought she was flirting with me because she nictitated in my direction.”

Nosocomial—(pronounced nah-suh-KOH-mee-ul)—acquired or occurring in a hospital. When I first saw this word, it looked to me like it was saying,”not so comical.”

Then I read the definition and the two fit. As far as I’m concerned, anything that happens in a hospital is”not so comical.”

Ambisinistrous—(pronounced am-bi-SIN-uh-struhs)—clumsy with both hands. Ah, so ambidextrous is the ability to use both hands with equal skill. As an incredibly right-handed person, I admire people for whom one hand isn’t considered just a back-up player. But now we must consider the poor ambisinistrous person. No glass dishes for this person.

Hoary—(pronounce Horee)—gray or white with or as if with age; extremely old.”My grandmother has lived a long time and she sure is hoary.”

Thaumaturgy—(pronounced

13 THAW-muh-ter-jee)—the performance of miracles. So the story of Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan should be called”The Thaumaturgist?” Sounds like an antidote to cryotherapy.

Triptych—(pronounced TRIPtik)—an ancient Roman writing tablet with three waxed leaves hinged together. Aside from the fact that this word sounds like something that happens before you fall, do any triptychs exist outside of a museum? Can we go on the Office Depot website and search for Roman writing tablets and get a selection of triptychs to choose from? Not likely.

Sylvan—(pronounced Sillvun)—living or located in the woods or forest. Does this mean that the people who operate the Sylvan Learning Center take the children to the forest? Check the fine print, parents. Hansel and Gretel are the only children I know who went to the forest, but that had nothing to do with learning long division or conjugating verbs.

Maculate—(pronounced MACkye-let)—marked with spots, blotched. Well, immaculate means really clean, so it appears that maculate is sort of the opposite.

Still, would Disney ever produce a move called”101 Maculated Canines?”

Mumpish—(pronounced

MUHM-pish)—sullen, silent, depressed. This has to have come from the swollen glands ailment because that’s exactly the way I felt when I had the mumps!

Gormandize—(pronounced GOR-mun-dyze)—to eat greedily, gluttonously, or ravenously.

Sounds gothic.”When we get together at my progenator’s house for Thanksgiving, we really gormandize.” Have a jousting match?

So take care of your hoary progenitors lest they acquire a nosocomial infection and become maculated and mumpish. And be sure to record any thaumaturgies on your triptych.

To fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.

14

Downtown Monterey The Best of the Best!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Claire.

Claire who?

Claire the way, I’m coming through!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Iona.

Iona who?

Iona new car!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Arfur.

Arfur who?

Arfur got!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Scold.

Scold who?

Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Abby.

Abby who?

Abby birthday to you!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Police.

Police who?

Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Nana.

Nana who?

Nana your business.

Knock, knock Who’s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Ya. Ya who?

Wow. You sure are excited to see me!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go Cows go who?

Cows don’t go who, they go moo!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Etch.

Etch who?

Bless you!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Roach.

Roach who?

Roach you a letter, did you get it?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Aida.

Aida who?

Aida sandwich for lunch today.

Old Monterey Marketplace • Best Farmers Market

Monterey Public Library • Best Library

Alfredo’s • Best Place for Day Drinking

Monterey Sports Center • Best Health Center • Best Hangout For Teens

Alvarado Street Brewing • Best Local Beer/Brewery • Best Selection of Craft Beers • Best Bar for Millennials • Best Place to See & Be Seen Ambrosia Indian Bistro • Best Indian Restaurant

MYO Frozen Yogurt • Best Ice Cream/ Frozen Yogurt

Bagel Bakery • Best Bagel

Dennis Murphy • Best Local Musician

Bull & Bear • Best Singles Bar

Old Capital Book • Best Bookstore-Used

Britannia Arms • Best Place for Karaoke

Paris Bakery • Best Bakery • Best Cookie

Cibo’s • Best Club for Jazz

Parker-Lusseau • Best Desserts

Crown & Anchor • Best Pub East Village Coffee Lounge • Best Coffee Shop Easy Street Billiards• Best Place to Shoot Pool Esteban • Best Appetizers/ Small Plates Federico’s • Best Shoe Repair Shop Gasper’s • Best Jewelry Store

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Two knee.

Two knee who?

Two-knee fish!

Monterey Museum of Art • Best Art Gallery

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

I am.

I am who?

You mean you don’t know who you are?

Osio Cinemas • Best Movie Theater

Carmel Barre • Best Boutique Studio

Knock, knock Who’s there?

Ben. Ben who?

Ben knocking for 10 minutes.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Hoo. Hoo who?

Are you a owl?

Montrio Bistro • Best Restaurant, Monterey • Best Restaurant Over 10 Years Old • Best Bartender-Anthony Vitacca

Hedi’s Shoes • Best Shoe Store Jacks Monterey • Best Martini Jamba Juice • Best Smoothies

Monterey Music Store • Best Store for Musical Instruments

Peter B’s Brewpub • Best Bar for Baby Boomers Pharmaca • Best Pharmacy Poke Lab • Best Poke Rosine’s • Best Family Restaurant Spa on the Plaza • Best Place for Skin Care Starbucks • Best Place to Eavesdrop Union Bank • Best Banker- Kathy Dimaggio Wells Fargo • Best Bank Jeannette Witten • Best Attorney San Carlos Church, Father Dooling • Best Clergy

CONGRATULATIONS to all the members of Old Monterey Business Association who were voted BEST in the 2018 MC Weekly’s Reader’s Poll.

Visit over 350 shops, boutiques, restaurants, hotels and great entertainment.

“The Peninsula‘s Downtown”

www.OldMonterey.org

By Ted Gargiulo

Wipe O ut

It’s astonishing, the education you can receive simply by reading the product information found on common household items people buy every day. Labels offer, among other things, valuable glimpses of human wisdom (or the presumed absence thereof), marketplace psychology, fractured logic, condescension and hype, plus refresher courses in semantics and basic arithmetic Take toilet paper for example.

The wrapper states that there are six”LARGE” rolls inside. First question: How large is”large?”

A number of products I’ve seen define”large” as containing 50 percent MORE (i.e. nuts, dip, paper).

“More than WHAT?” you may ask. Well, duh, more than a

package containing 50 percent LESS! Elementary, dear Reader!

Try this problem instead. The manufacturer claims that these six large rolls are equivalent to twice the number of smaller rolls.

Got that? In other words, 6 x 2 =

But shoppers with diminished intellects— present company excluded, of course— will BELIEVE they’re getting more product than they really are.

12. Honest, it says so right on the wrapper! Virtually every brand of bathroom tissue (as it’s called in polite society) provides this same

15

indispensable information. Now, consider a heftier parcel of, say, 12 big rolls. That, according to the company’s disclosure, is equivalent to…how many? That’s right, 24 small rolls!

“But,” you say,”why display these dumb, patronizing formulas? The consumer’s NOT getting 24 rolls; he’s getting 12. Count them: 12!

That’s still the same amount of paper!”

You know that, and I know that.

But shoppers with diminished intellects—present company excluded, of course—will BELIEVE they’re getting more product than they really are. They also feel smarter and more important because the advertiser has given them these complex mathematical equations to solve. I’ve even seen brands that divide the large rolls into thirds, then triple the number of items in the package to show you how many tiny rolls they represent—theoretically, that is.

Betcha didn’t know that 12 x 3 = 36. You DID??? Woo-hoo! It’s like cutting an 8oz slab of cheese into 15 slices instead of 10. I dare say, there are citizens walking among us who’d fill up on them sooner.

Why? Because they think they’re eating more cheese! Now you’re catching on!

Want to know precisely how much paper a”large” roll contains?

Read the small print on the wrapper, and you’ll notice that the amounts all differ. If you ask me, any fewer than 350 sheets isn’t large at all, not when there are other packages containing upwards of 400-500 sheets per roll. You just have to look. Less than 225 sheets?

Puh-leese! Can you imagine how itty-bitty a roll would have to be if you divided 225 by three, then tripled the contents to make them seem like more? One use, and you’d finish the whole damned roll!”All gone-gone!” like the poet says. Seriously now, who would sell anything that small? Better yet, who in the sam hill would BUY anything that small? That is, unless that person derived some perverse pleasure from replacing an empty toilet roll 36 times a week.

I can only hope that the dipstick supermarket mentality I’ve observed and lampooned in this article is not, in any way, a true reflection of humanity as a whole.

Because if it is, I would definitely NOT want these so-called”peers” of mine sitting on a jury, especially if I was the one on trial. They’d probably kill me!

We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

LOCAL GUYS ON

LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

16

Erotic Wear for Her and Him New Inventory Lower Prices

Buy 2 Lingerie GET 1 FREE BEST Selection of Adult Toys & Games

Fremont Adult Book Store

Videos 10 for $35

2116 N Fremont St • Monterey 831.372.9410 • Mon-Thu 8am-1am Fri-Sat 8am-4am Online store: www.fremontadultstore.com Home of Nu-Art Theatre

Professional & Experienced

SEX THERAPY LGBT & KINK Friendly

EXPERIENCE ISGC OF MONTEREY’s Many Groups and Workshops!

This Month, we are featuring: • MALE SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS WEEKLY GROUP • CARE FOR CAREGIVERS MONTHLY GROUP

STEPHEN L. BRAVEMAN, LMFT. DST Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #MFC28926 Gender & Sexual Abuse Specialist Sacred Intimacy Tantra Educator

WANDA BRAVEMAN

Intimacy, Sexuality & Gender Center of Monterey 494 Alvarado Street, Suite A Monterey // 831.375.7553 // www.isgcmonterey.com

T A X ES Pay Your Taxes — It’s the Law!

H&R Block

Ulysses, Kansas

Brothers Henry and Richard were real guys who were influenced by their mother to go in business to provide bookkeeper services. They ended up spending the majority of time helping customers fill out tax forms so they decided to exclusively focus on tax preparation. They changed the spelling of their last name Bloch to match the pronunciation.

In 1909, the citizens moved their whole city (including all buildings) to evade exorbitant property taxes.

Peter the Great This Russian Emperor placed a tax on beards in 1705. He hoped that the tax would encourage men to have a clean-shaven look that was popular in Western Europe

Credit Cards In 1958, the IRS began requiring taxpayers with expense accounts to list their unreimbursed expenses on the tax return. To avoid extra bookkeeping, many employers issued credit cards to employees with expense accounts. The result was credit card companies reported the largest sales increase in history.

Vanishing Children In 1987, about 7 million American children vanished. The cause was that the IRS started requiring

taxpayers to list the Social Security Numbers of their children on tax forms.

Texas This large state has a”pole tax” which is a tax on strip clubs, peep shows and nude dancing.

The revenue from the tax goes to sexual assault victims and health insurance for the poor.

Ronald Reagan This guy made so much money as a Hollywood actor that he was in the 94% tax bracket.”When you have to give up such a large percentage of your income in taxes, incentive to work goes down.” This was instrumental in his decision to switch from being a New

17 Neal Democrat to a conservative Republican. He served as our 40th President from 1981 to 1989.

U2 Until 2006, the band paid no tax in Ireland due to an exemption for artists. When the exemption was capped at $315,000, the band moved its accounts to the Netherlands, rather than face a multi-million tax bill for album sales and royalties.

Cheaters The largest tax evasion case in the history of the U.S. is the 2006 case of Walter Anderson, a telecommunications executive.

Other famous tax cheats include mobster Al Capone, Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, Wesley Snipes, and hotel operator Leona Helmsley, who once quipped,”We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

18

Want to feel and look better?

www.MontereyBayHealthAndBeauty.com

Even a

Doctor Needs a

Check Up

Looking for a place to worship?

www.MontereyBayChurches.com Need a plumber, electrician, gardener, roofer, painter, mason, carpenter, printer, sign maker, tailor, etc?

www.MontereyBayServices.com Need to get somewhere?

www.MontereyBayTransportation.com Want to do something good for the community?

www.MontereyBayNonProfits.com Like to laugh? Like to dance?

Like good music? Like to clap?

www.MontereyBayEntertainment.com

2018 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE

LET US HELP YOU

Billing • Coding • Reimbursement No need to change your EMR! Appeals • Collections Strategic Market Planning Train to Retain Staff

Have a pet? Would you like a pet?

Need to feed or train your pet?

www.MontereyBayPets.com

Are you into baseball, basketball, football, tennis, volley ball, skiing, ping pong, bicycle riding, etc?

www.MontereyBaySports.com & www.MontereyBayRecreation.com Want a motorcycle or service?

www.MontereyBayMotorcycles.com Need help with your business?

Need help starting a business?

www.MontereyBayBusinessHelp.com For a complete list of our Websites go to:

www.MontereyBayCoolWebsites.com Over 25 years of helping medical practices stay healthy A local female owned company

Complimentary Consultation for a check up on your practice

831.324.0441 www.ipsmonterey.com 525 Hartnell Street Monterey

Created, Designed and Provided by the: Seaside, Sand City, Del Rey Oaks & Monterey Chambers of Commerce 505 Broadway Ave., Seaside, CA • (831) 394-6501 Info@TheChamberOffice.org www.YourChambersOfCommerce.org

The Half-Birthday

By Jann Gargiulo

I want to tell you a true story about my birthday. Not just mine, but all of the birthdays in my immediate family. I have five brothers and six sisters, plus my mom and dad. Oh, and don’t forget me! I guess deep down, that was the problem! Why me?

With that many people in one family, there were sure to be multiple birthdays in a month.

January was my Mom’s birthday and my brother Chuck’s. So, my Dad would bring home half a sheet cake from the bakery that read,”Happy Birthday Mom and Chuck.” In April, the cake read,”Happy Birthday Dad and Doris,” and so on. We had three more in July, two in August, three in November, and one in December. Twelve children plus two parents equals 14 people; but

only 13 are listed. Therein lies the story. That April cake got to me EVERY year! No one even noticed.

You see, I was born in April! On my sister’s birthday! Of course they remembered April 5 was HER birthday because she’d been

Twelve children plus two parents equals 14 people; but only 13 are listed. around 13 years longer.

One year, when I was 11, my Mom noticed me in her room crying. She asked if I had a tummy ache already. She held me and commented,”Honey, you seem to get sick at this same time every year…”

A man meets a woman at the Crown & Anchor. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is surprised that this woman would have an extensive collection of teddy bears but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her, they kiss and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make love. The next morning as they are lying there, the man rolls over and asks, “Well, how was it?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Tony and Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor.

Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

I could almost see a light bulb come on over her head!

“Oh no! Jann how long has this been happening?” I couldn’t tell her. It would be like telling on Daddy! So, I just put my head down. She commented,”From now on, we’ll celebrate your halfbirthday, just you and me! Okay?”

Of course that was okay. None of the others got that, and I wasn’t going to tell them! She would let me stay home from school that day, give me money and let me take the bus to the Plaza to get my gift, while she made my birthday cake.

Then she sang”Happy Birthday,” and we’d sit down to have a piece before everyone got home.

I loved what my Mom did for me; it made me feel special. When Ted became my husband”to be,” she asked me if she should talk to

19 him about the half-birthday. I told her,”No, his birthday is October 6, so we’ll celebrate them together!”

She loved that.

My mom kept her word every year until she died. Afterwards, Ted and I moved into my Dad’s to care for him. He told the greatest stories, and I loved hearing them.

However, one day he made a statement I just couldn’t let slip by him. He said,”No one believes that I can still name the birth months of all my children!” He was so proud!

I responded,”OK, Daddy, you say them, we’ll count.” So, he began reciting them, but always ended with 11! Finally, he hung his head, looking very confused.”Who did I forget?”

I gave him a big hug and laughed,”Me, silly! You’ve always forgotten me. But it’s all right, Mom took care of it years ago.” And I told him the story.

To this day, I celebrate my halfbirthday in honor of my mom.

20

A man phones the maternity ward at the hospital.

“Quick!” he says. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”

“Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked.

“No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person

to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling,and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on

A few notable birthdays in April … celebrate!

Answers on pg 24

Washington Irving Maya Angelou Billie Holiday Charlie Chaplin Charlotte Bronte John Muir Ella Fitzgerald Harper Lee Duke Ellington Bette Davis

the wrong feet.”

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together,they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the illfitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ‘em today.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

She’ll be eligible for parole in three years .

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table, and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners,

went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, “Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, “No, unfortunately, she just walked in.”

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, about 20 years old, what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘TheDouble Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ ... I just lost it.”

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

S p ri n g

A Half-Step Out of the Gutter

By Michael Houston

No, really Jump!

They’re hosing down the street again!

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote The droghte of march hath perced to the roote, And bathed every veyne in swich licour Of which vertu engendred is the flour; Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth Inspired hath in every holt and heeth Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne, And smale foweles maken melodye, That slepen al the nyght with open ye (so priketh hem nature in hir corages); - Geof Chaucer 1387 So as the orangutan said to the drunk, “When’s men’s history month?”

And then the nun says, “Every day, ya eejit!”

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain - T.S. Eliot 1922

Now that’s what I call progress.

Memory and desire over rebirth as we all just evolve into the goddess/ godhead. What more can we ask for? I leave that to Freudians jokers on other pages of this distinguished rag.

Life is a pilgrimage, and I’m doing Camino Campostela as soon as I get 30 to 35 days to spare to stroll 23 to 27 clicks per day.

Needless to say, that will have to wait until I get around to traversing Jacks Peak without paying a parking fee. Then I’m off to the coyote and mountain lion trails in Ft. Ord. Of course I’ll have to redo Garapata, Pt. Lobos and Garland Ranch a few dozen more times. I’ll be in shape stomp off to Santiago’s tomb if it kills me. ¡Que diablos!

Maybe I’ll just take in a Giants/ Padres game on the bay some time and call us all even.

Almost as good, I can watch AMP, Access Monterey Peninsula channels in the comfort of my kitchen and quench wanderlust in me. Better still, I can dog the Monterey County Film Commission web site to find out where I could pass myself off as an film extra or just another big little liar.

And still Camino Campostela calls me. Panoramic shot to tight shot - me and the mot wandering

21 around in Spain by day and drinking wine by night like good heathens. That may require some life style adjustments. Getting up off me arse, for example. I suppose proper props could compensate everything lacking in the old conditioning regimen. Picture a delusional busker in the Pyrenees or Jade Beach with a three-foot long Irish low whistle that doubles as a he/she/ or its walking stick.

An ever so useful useful should any new age music sessions or stick fighting competitions break out on the road.

Speaking for buskers everywhere, our people’s one and only living bards, I remind you that it falls on us second division street musicians to explain the meaning of love and the significance of life itself.

Easily done! We stand on the shoulders of giants, well-paid cinema screen writer hacks, and the trite bounty that the heights and depths of the secret knowledge that music industry uses to marinate our minds along with what passes for cultural literacy heaps upon us.

During a quiet night of libations in the wapiti watering hole (Cervus canadensis) or more likely during a busking session in intermittent sunlight at MPC’s Friday Farmers Market, the names of the great ones came up during a pause in my caterwauling. A member of my age peer group said she got to see Frank Sinatra live six times. (I said that I’d been blown away by Ray Charles at the Shrine Auditorium

in ’65, but that didn’t get much traction.) She had me outnumbered in the realm of live performance.

We ask, “Where’s old blue-eyes when you need him?”

“Probably at some celestial Cachuagua/Coachella fire fighters fundraiser, Planet Aquarius, or an other dimensional crooner festival. He’d be a great addition to this year’s Monterey Jazz Festival should he be good enough to reincarnate. Not as all rotten flesh like in the Monkey Paw story, but in his living prime. Funny thing about the afterlife, you never know what you’re going to get until you get there.

Furthermore, the kingdom of heaven is within you! Well, depending on what you like and who you’re gonna believe. All one need do to save one’s self from the tedium of one’s self is to silently repeat your scattered internalized fragments of do-wop, soul, rock, bluegrass, reggae, and ska punk lyrics. It’s like throwing your arms up like you’ve just won an Olympic curling event. Our brains are so stupid that they’ll believe you did!

Alternately, William Boroughs of Naked Lunch fame held out hope that the human virus could be isolated and compulsive verbalizers eliminated. He was oblivious to W.C. Fields dictum, “There’s one born every minute.” Throw up your arms in joy. They’ve got us outnumbered anyway.

In a word, love is all there is. So as Padraig Clark would remind us year-after-year at Bonafacio and Alvarado, “Come on people, you’ve got to love one another right now.”

And well you might. The world is all too full of rancor, hatred, bigotry, and misery not to give way to some serious self-loathing.

You have our permission to love yourself, selves, and even one another.

Do your part. Become a street philanthropist. Joe’s fusion guitar, David’s mandolin, our Dixie All Starts, Bart’s duets, kids with fiddles, Vlad’s cello, Mucho, and all the local talented street players deserve your support.

All I can say is, “Me too, and happy spring, one and all.”

22

What are the odds that a traveling team from Japan can compete with the ABA’s sixth best team in the entire league? We showed up to find out. The six players gave up an average of eight inches of height and probably eighty pounds per player. They also gave up a lot of points to the Sea Kings. The Saturday night game was a 61 point blowout although it seemed much closer than the score indicated.

The Gym Rats were well conditioned, fundamentally sound and well coached. Everyone on the team had great hair. They even smiled a lot. As a matter of fact, they smiled more than they scored. The one thing that lacked was height. If they were taller, they have the talent to win. They were just too short.

Here is where it gets weird.

This was only half the team. The rest of them had a problem with their flight. Why didn’t they all fly together? Was it because of not enough frequent flier miles?

Because of this, they scheduled a Sunday matinee game.

Do you think the results were any better? I would say yes. The McDonald’s breakfast burrito is back on the value menu for one dollar. For the past five years the price for this breakfast item grew to $1.49. According to sources who work for the local franchise, raising labor costs was the reason.

I don’t see this person anymore when I go to McDonalds. Maybe his departure and salary were the cause behind the fluctuation of the price of their breakfast burrito.

As a consumer, I’m happy for the change.

Early in the first quarter of Sunday’s game, the Gym Rats held an 8-5 lead. A time out was called. That was their cue to walk away like they won a world

championship. They could have told the referees that in their country, this is where the game ends and they would have believed it. Heck, I would have believed it.

They needed it. Here is a team, or should I say half a team that played their heart out with little to show for it on the scoreboard. After three quarters, they are down 91 points.

It only felt like 53. They have not won a game since landing in the US this year. They are 0-23 and in a few minutes 0-24 with one more game to play before a long flight home to Japan. Last year was more promising, they won two games.

The Sea Kings look ready for the play-offs. No more mystery guy at the end of the bench that is now seven players deep. These are character guys who love the game and play with passion and determination.

I believe they can make a deep run. They’ve been through a lot and stuck together like undercooked pasta. They are a team of destiny.

For all of us who attended their games and felt the excitement of professional basketball close up here in Monterey, we wish them good luck in Austin. Bring home the trophy so we can have a parade through the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Before I forget, we also want to apologize for the incorrect scheduling information in the March issue. The game on the 18th was actually played in Oakland, not here. For those of you who showed up to a shuttered gym, we are sorry. For all we know the Gym Rats are still inside playing. They lack height and are easy to miss.

Final score: 202-75.

23

Taking It All With You

By Robyn Justo

Q: What kind of music do planets sing?

A:Neptunes!

Q: What’s a lightyear?

A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

A: It wanted to see the mooooooon!

Q: What do planets like to read?

A: Comet books!

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?

A: Take me to your weeder!

Q: Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny!

Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

A: The space bar!

I was taking a walk by the ocean one morning alongside a very long line of recreational vehicles parked side by side with picnic tables and barbecue grills sprinkled between them. People were making coffee and cooking big breakfasts. Lazy dogs curled up on pillows in the midst of it all. Some of the RVs were larger than my latest studio and probably had more stuff in them.

So I wondered as I wandered.

Vacation, originating from the word vacate which means to leave a place that was previously occupied, is a sort of getting-away-from-it all or simplification of life, offering a brief sense of mobility and freedom, or at least it is supposed

Mars is populated entirely by robots.

to be. Looking around, it felt like a whole lot of work to me and looked like instead of getting away from it all, most of it was coming with these folks. But they looked happy to be anywhere but the place they vacated in spite of the haul of all of the kids, an overabundance of stuff, and most of the comforts and habits of home including smokes, beers, and TV. I guess it comes down to perspective.

He laid up against me listlessly, looking up with liquidy puppy eyes that begged, ‘Please don’t make me go.’

My mind drifted back to a former fiancé who used to take a huge rectangular box the size of a coffin, filled with kitchenware and all the fixin’s for extravagant gourmet dinners on our camping trips.

It was a highly anticipated ordeal. Pitching a tent, cooking prime rib and drinking fine wine out in the woods was his escape. I was along for the ride,

Q: Why did the cow go to outer space?

A: To visit the milky way.

Q: Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A: A parking meteor!

Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.

accompanied by a lazy golden retriever named Bos. We were simply the observers to this blessed ritual. It seemed complicated to me, but what did I know?

Once we were planning a hike and my fiancé even had a pack for his dog, believe it or not. It draped over his back with holders for wine, food, etc. The night before the hike (and me being shown how the pack worked) Bos started limping and although after careful examination nothing was found in any of his paws, he laid up against me listlessly, looking up with liquidy puppy eyes that begged,”Please don’t make me go” so we canceled the hike. As soon as we did, Bos was up prancing around like nobody’s business. Never let it be said that dogs are not smart enough to fake an injury. Too lazy to carry a pack, maybe. But hey, it’s their vacation and they know how to enjoy it.

I’ve always had the fantasy of a tiny house on wheels. Now this makes sense to me. Feels simple. I could have freedom and mobility all of the time, I wouldn’t need an RV because I would basically live in one, and I could take it all with me without having to bring it back and unpack it. And the bonus is that I would never forget anything.

Fantasy aside and tiny house unmanifest, getting away from it all for me is grabbing a small overnight bag, hopping a flight to a place that has no resemblance to the one I am vacating, and not having to do the same things I do at home (like cook, wash dishes, and so on).

Sometimes this planet confuses me. Humans are interesting creatures indeed. Dogs make a whole lot more sense.

24

Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

from page 10

from page 20

Answers

Answers

In order to help jump-start the economy, Trump announced that the federal government will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people.

It’s predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.

Enjoyin g A Learning Festival

By Sali

the cashier. I felt so bad when the women facing us looked shocked. I felt like saying, “We were not talking about you.”

I said to my Mom after we left the store, “Don’t say ‘stupid’ in English in a sentence when the rest of the words are not in English.” These are things that multi-lingual people

Having attended last year’s Language Capital of the World Cultural Festival, I feel excited about the upcoming 4th Annual event that takes place April 21 at Custom House Plaza.

Monterey’s visitors bring their languages and converse when visiting the many beautiful sites along the Monterey Bay. I can recognize some languages and sometimes know the contents of these conversations. We can learn to be at ease around different languages, and when people say things we do not fully understand, even if the sentence you overhear is: “nonEnglish word, non-English word, non-English word, STUPID, nonEnglish word.” The example I just gave is something my Mom said when waiting in a long line to get to

need to be mindful of.

To learn more about the background of the festival, I spoke with event coordinator Renee Jourdenais, who works at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey. I

I look at people sometimes and think, “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

was reminded of how the language expertise in Monterey brings people together. The military language schools such as the Defense Language Institute employ native speakers who bring their cultural knowledge along with their languages. Their pupils may be of a younger generation, different backgrounds, and living in the area for the sole purpose of learning new languages or improving on

languages they are already familiar with.

The Middlebury Institute, which provides instruction in eight languages, offers degrees for careers that tie into expertise in languages. Monterey Peninsula College offers language classes. High school, middle schools, and primary schools are where young people first learn the fundamentals of language.

Adult education is a part of the community as well. There are people who want to learn and improve their English.

We can learn from each other if we take the time and are willing to

25 get over feeling embarrassed about now knowing what words mean.

Do most people skip over words they hear regularly enough but never figure the meaning of? Are we told to “look it up?”

“Language surprises” make for good stories. Two Thai college classmates told me of speaking in their native tongue at the dining commons when a fellow classmate of European ancestry joined in their conversation. Never underestimate the number of people who are missionaries (or their children). A former co-worker told me of chatting in public in Greek with his mother when a man of African ancestry commented, in Greek, “You should not be saying those types of things!”

Language brings us together in understanding. Imagine how many new jokes we could learn if we learned new languages. We could reach greater audiences. Maybe people from other cultures would appreciate those jokes that have become “groaners” to our English speaking friends!

Festivals are fun and exciting.

This event is a chance to learn more about languages. It may even inspire you to sign up for classroom

instruction or brush up on what you already know from the past.

Have the courage to speak up, connect, and try something new.

For more information go to: www.lcowfest.com

26

April 7

April 23

Wharf Walks

April 1

April Fools’ Day In the Middle Ages, New Year’s Day was celebrated on March 25th. In some areas of France, New Year’s was a week-long holiday ending on April 1st. Some suggest that April Fools’ originated because those who celebrated on January 1 made fun of those who celebrated on other dates.

April 5-8

P.B. Food and Wine Premier event where guests can expect an unprecedented lineup of more than 100 renowned chefs and 250 distinguished winemakers. Once-in-a-lifetime tasting opportunities, cooking demonstrations, wine-paired luncheons and intimate dinners, elite wine seminars, and more. www.pbfw.com

April 6-28

Annie Jr.

Based on the popular comic strip and adapted from the seven-time Tony Award-winning musical.

Join her fun-filled adventure as she finds a new home with billionaire Oliver Warbucks and a loveable mutt named Sandy.

Annie will never stop believing in “Tomorrow.” www.pacrep.org

April 6

New Beers Eve In 1933, the Cullen-Harrison Act allowed production of beer to resume and ending Prohibition.

Cheers.

Monterey Bay fisheries historian and author, Tim Thomas, leads a tour entitled “A Whale’s Tale: The Fascinating History of Whaling in the Monterey Bay.” A different topic every first Saturday of the month www.montereywharf.com

April 8

Forest Bathing The practice of shinrin-yoku is a form of guided nature meditation, an “immersion” into the space of trees, plants and inhabitants of the forest. A gentle excursion into the woods to explore and discover ourselves. montereybaymeditation.com

April 14-15

Good Old Days Pacific Grove is “America’s Last Hometown.” This small town shows off its big heart with a parade, five stages, arts and crafts vendors, food booths, carnival rides, a classic car show, a quilt show, pony rides, dance and more. www.pacificgrove.org

April 14

National Reach as High as You Can Day It’s really about grounding yourself in reality. Don’t reach for the stars if you can’t actually touch them—know your limitations. Just reach as high as you can, and tell yourself, “good job.” This is not to be confused with, “Be as High as You Can Day.”

Talk Like Shakespeare Day April 15

We Are the West A convergence of sound and space.

Dedicated song-stylists, the Los Angeles-based trio has developed a uniquely immersive approach to performance. Their national tour has included performances in natural desert amphitheaters, mine shafts, tow yards, redwood groves and masonic temples. folktalewinery.com

April 19-22

Sea Otter Classic A four-day “Celebration of Cycling.”

Regarded as the world’s largest cycling festival.

Recreational biking, armature and pro competitive event, festival and expo. seaotterclassic.com

April 21

Language Capital of the World Cultural Fest

We have of late, but wherefore we know not, lost all our mirth. What a perfect day to get it back! The one time of year you can express yourself in rhyming couplets, wethinks thou oughtest useth the opportunity.

April 27

The Wailers This band formed in 1963 and has been touring and recording since 1973. The Wailers are the world ambassadors of reggae music. Bob left us on 1981 but his influence and the music live forever. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

April 28

International Day Celebrate cultural diversity at NPS. Taste a world of flavors with International Cuisines and enjoy the day at NPS.

April 28

Eeyore’s Birthday

That’s a lot of words. That’s a lot of languages and cultural events.

Fourth annual event features our Sister City relationships, hundreds of performers of dances and authentic music, food and fun. www.lcowfest.com

The gloomy donkey was once especially saddened because he thought his friends had forgotten his birthday. Even pessimistic stuffed donkeys have birthdays.

Throw a party like they do in Austin.

April 22

April 29

Walk MS: Monterey Bay Ending multiple sclerosis for good will take all of us. Walk M.S. helps us team up with friends, loved ones and co-workers to change the world for everyone affected by MS Together, we become a powerful force. www.cclp.org

Big Sur International Marathon The Big Sur Marathon is 26.2 miles of the most beautiful coastline in the world from Big Sur to Carmel.

There are six other race distances for runners and recreationalists. www.bigsurmarathon.org

27

Farmer’s Market Every Tuesday

Rain or Shine • Open 4-7pm

We’re Green!

For information

‘18

831.655.2607 Alvarado St

THE

CROWN & ANCHOR BRITISH PUB & RESTAURANT

VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB

Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday ‘18

Best Pub

BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED

150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am

To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038