Foolish Times April 2019

April 2019

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood

Community Shout Out » Pg. 18 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

2 RATED

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

S DESTROY

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee

dalar ents@gmail.com

Episode 5

"Krasse Suits Up"

Previously: Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart CEO Malcolm D. Monster and marketing director, Jerry Peterson is dying-- until a real live Tyrannosaurus Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Assuming the dinosaur is part of his presentation, Monster promises Krasse a two million dollar contract to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The inevitable media and military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop to safety, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas before moving on to a residential area where Sheriff’s deputies strike out with tear gas...

His office was a shambles, so Krasse set up shop in the apartment where he’d lived alone since the divorce. Determinedly he sat down and began calling film production companies hoping to duplicate the dinosaur’s rampage with special effects for the commercials he’d promised Mr. Monster.

With a scant two weeks before Monster Mart opened, Krasse was distressed to learn that in addition to being quite costly, the effects he described would take months to accomplish. Then he remembered someone who might help.

He dialed the number for KAKA Channel 33 and asked for Rodney Speck. “These animation studios all want a bazillion dollars for thirty seconds worth of dinosaur footage--- but they can’t deliver for at least six months!”

“You agency guys always want it yesterday,” Rodney wisecracked.

“Can you help me or not? My client’s gotta have a Tyrannosaurus Rex!” “You come on over and bring your script. I know just what to do. Later, man!”

Krasse lost no time driving over to the TV station #5-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

and joined Rodney in the control room just as he was wrapping up his Six O’clock News “promo.” Rodney Speck was a lean young man in his twenties with a wispy moustache and goatee. His hair was done in a conservative Afro, and he was chewing vigorously on a stick of gum. “Hi’ya Krasse,” he said between chews.

“Got your script?”

“Yeah, but it’s still kind of rough. Haven’t been able to go over it with the Monster Mart people yet.”

“Monster Mart?” Rodney gasped. “You got the Monster Mart account?”

“If they buy our dinosaur, I’ll handle all their stuff.”

“Wow, man! That’s big time!” He took the script from the ad man. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks. Hey, you got a cigarette? I left mine home.”

“Nah, besides, there’s no smoking in here. It’s deadly for the equipment.” Krasse squirmed uncomfortably in his chair and stared up at the flickering monitor screens while Rodney read over the script. “This doesn’t look too tough,” he said. “Come on in the studio and I’ll show you what we got.”

Krasse followed him into the darkened “Studio B”.

“There’s your dinosaur,” Rodney said pointing to a mis-

shapen lump on the floor.

Staring up at them was a pair of ping-pong ball eyes glued to a floppy rubber lizard head. It had styrofoam fangs and blood red lips that glistened with fresh paint.

Rodney began lighting the set. Krasse could see the headpiece was part of a well-worn rubber costume spray-painted green and brown. Rubber gloves and oversized shoes with plastic claws lay to one side.

Behind it all were empty cardboard cartons painted to resemble city buildings.

“We had this all made up about two years ago for some commercials Bill Fanta did for the Gilroy Auto Dealers. They loved it!”

Krasse was about to comment, when a dapper middleaged man burst in on them. “Hi guys!” he said cheerily.

“How’s it going?”

“Great, Al! Lester, you know Alan Rypoff, don’t you?

Our sales manager?” Krasse nodded and they shook hands. “We’re doing a demo,” Rodney explained. “For Lester’s new client, Monster Mart!”

“Monster Mart? Hey, that’s terrific! Let’s do lunch one day soon, Lester. And Rodney, I need to see you when you’re through in here. Later, guys!” The door clicked shut behind him.

“Okay, now put on the suit,” Rodney instructed. “Get behind the miniature buildings by that blue screen, and we’ll chroma-key you over some background shots of the city.” He seized the costume by the neck and held it open. Krasse obediently slid his hands through the armholes and stepped into the rubber suit. Rodney zipped up the front and handed him the dinosaur gloves to put on. Then he rolled the TV camera into position and focused it on the ad man. “Great! Now put on the other stuff.”

Krasse slipped on the foam rubber feet and dutifully waddled over to the bright blue flat where he put on the dinosaur head. Plock! plock! plock! A ping-pong ball eye came loose and went bouncing towards the camera.

The director snatched it up. “You lost an eye there, Lester!” From his mouth, Rodney extracted the wad of chewing gum which he planted on the reverse end of the eyeball and stuck it back on. “There! All set to roll!” he said and went back into the control room. Krasse stared out at the TV camera. Hot and clammy with sweat, he could barely see out the eyeholes cut in the unwieldy headpiece. “Tape is rolling!” Rodney called over the studio loudspeaker. “Make like you’re attacking the city!”

“Grroarr! GrraaAARRGH!” Krasse roared and ploughed through the cardboard set. “Very good!” bawled Rodney. “But, let’s do it one more time!”

They did it eight times more actually. By then, Krasse was sweltering inside the suit. “Can we wrap this up sometime today?” he whined. “I’m suffocating!”

Next issue:

Episode 6 The Windbreaker

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

3

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Intern Fool...........................Cynthia P.

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keys, Dana Larabee, Mary Tompsett

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks I’m inspired by the dedication and valor of the folks who work in the not-for-profit world. There are causes that help old people, young people and people in crisis who need comfort. People who feel left out or left behind. There are groups that work with artists, all kinds of animals and nurture pets back to good health and homes. Environmental issues are a huge category.

Why do we hold doors open for strangers or offer a seat on the bus to a mom struggling with the daily necessities that are packed in an overstuffed bag? It’s the way we’re built. It’s what our parents taught us.

It’s common sense. Some lessons are not forgotten.

For others, there needs to be refresher course in what being alive is really all about.

This past year, we added community interest stories to the mix. It wasn’t a farfetched idea to broaden our scope of uplifting things to write about.

It could be about the work of a nonprofit or the good deed of a millennial helping a woman cross a busy street. The news sources would rather deliver a spin on the kid who pushed an old lady in front of a moving bus and tell you all young people are

evil. April is National Humor Month and National Nonprofit Impact Month.

Coincidence? I think not. As an entertainment and humor publication, we are dedicated to lifting people’s spirits through funny stories, jokes and cartoons. Nonprofits have other resources and tools to do the same thing. Twenty years ago, I told a gal a joke to make her happy. She walked away laughing. I saw her recently for the first time since then and she told me the same joke. She is still laughing.

Let’s take this month to focus on doing the right thing for ourselves and others by coming out of our rabbit holes and be the people we know we are. We can start by not turning our head away and offer a simple greeting or smile to a stranger walking by. It’s so small yet so big to acknowledge a person.

Thank you Larry Wilde for pushing our federal government to establish April as National Humor Month. It’s a great addition to a month of recognition for impacting the world to be a great place to live, share and laugh.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net

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Q: How did the blonde die at the Giants’ game?

A: She drowned during the wave.

Q: How do blonde basketball players stay cool during a game?

A: They stand near the fans.

Q: How did the Blonde hockey team drown?

A: Spring training.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tap danced?

A: She fell in the sink.

Q: Why did the blonde become a Sharks’ hockey fan?

A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging.

Q: What did the blonde do when her boyfriend was having a seizure in the bathtub?

A: She threw in a load of laundry.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver in Marina?

A: She missed the Earth.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What do you call a tall blonde rebounder?

A: A Golden Retriever.

Q: Why was the blonde excited to see 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? A: She loved baseball and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Q: Why did the blonde take a piece of rope onto the baseball diamond?

A: She was the skipper.

Q: What can a blonde serve but never eat?

A: A volley ball.

A blonde was found pouring a cup of water into the ocean near Lover’s Point. Someone came up behind her and asked her what she was doing.

She replied, “I was at work today and got thirsty. When I went to the water fountain a voice behind me said, ‘Hey lady, save some for the fish.’”

A woman goes to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

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7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales

It’s a three ring-o-ding circus in your head! Ramming into the wall can make inspiration fatal. There are wiser avenues, even boulevards that may assist in curbing your debunking appetites. From this angle you look crazy. But it is Keeping America beautiful month, so peel your brains away from that tawdry surface and plant new seeds. Grow Daffodils, Daisies, or Dalias, deadheading may be necessary.

Contortionist Fool! Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, and confetti! A pandemonium of delights indeed. Balancing your blood sugar between reverence and irreverence is a tightrope of genius. Keep your socks up otherwise you get the sawdust treatment.

Circus Maximus! Fellini’s parents were Romeo & Juliet. Look at what great stuff they created out of their romantic convictions.

Whatever you’ve have done this time, whatever enormous vacillation you’ve created in a clear calm sea, see what the good in it is and focus on that! Find your sanctuary among the tulips, pick up any litter, and accept all life forms around you as worthy ones.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull

Cirque du ‘Ole! Them that’s got, shall get, them that’s not better not forget where to get it.

If you strike when the bullish iron is hot, you will win all that is intended. Your smile is your trapeze, swing on it. Watch for any pile of BS hurtling toward you like a clump of dung from a effervescent sky tent. If this should occur focus on making it look sexy. The show must go on!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins

Bring in the Clowns...or cry all day and night. Loving yourself now is essential, because what you did was purely trashy trash.

You could view it as cutting edge, or a dud in the mud flats of your forever juggling mind. The trick is to admit you were stupid at first and clever afterwards. Up the Hula Hoop!

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion

Such a cold....finger! The Ringmaster is a real bastard.

You showed him and took his head on. You are the cat’s meow.

Apparently we are down to the fire eater, the strong man and all the animal acts - poof! You were famished, I get that, but your audience is raving for more.

Consider approaching this new solo act with a Midas touch.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin

Releasing the inner battle can take some edgey measures.

Throw! Throw all the litter out of your car window and make sure it lands on the Lilies! Go ahead, see if you can. Let it sit for a bit. Go back, pick up all that you littered and make a list of all the reasons you had this Sh*t in the first place. C’mon sweet potato pie, it’s not as tough as sword swallowing!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion

A freak show! Climbing the walls will get you as far as the ceiling.

Where is your safety net? No doubt your prowess is sublime, but with ol’ baggage towing behind all your beetle juice is simply static-slime. Descending rapidly must be fraught with a vigilant toss.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer

Ying & Yang invite, the seams of the sky to unite, and seal a giant night of white into a perfect light.

Are you flying through the air yet with the greatest of ease? Polarity is what constructs divinity. So when sorrow’s scope feels like a enema and you are made mute, it’s time to transmute. You can never be a loser on the BOZO show!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat

April Fools! Ok, not everyone can take a joke. Is it Peter Pan? Hooves or no hooves you cannot get your pantaloons in a wadskie.

When you stand alone you must stand tall among the midget minds. Is that PC your asking?

Are you? Perfection, wrong direction. Remember life is the high wire. Do what you can, Stan?

Or find a new plan.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier

OMG Liberation! Totally rad dude! Furling through the air under a giant hollow dome and glitter balls firing hot kisses.

Whoa! Glitch! Grease paint on my palms!?! You’re in a Piccadilly now. Even when upside down is up, it’s all a matter of perspective.

Dude this was not on the programme ~ Collaborate!

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes

It’s a wrap! April showers brings flowers and rain pools bring reflective accolade. Careful, your impressionability is always in need of temperance. Make-believe is your finest outlet but best not use your third-eye as a unicycle otherwise you’ll end up in a fish bowl. Flap your tail in the Blue Nile to entice a chat with Ptolemy regarding your next best move ~ Keep on with the flaxseed.

8

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More people write poetry than read it.

NASA… What’s Up?

By Charles Birimisa The recent incident where professional basketball superstar Stephen Curry expressed his skepticism about the veracity of the Apollo moon landing showcases our nation’s insecurity over its greatest achievement.

San Francisco Chronicle editor John Diaz, after writing about the perception of Curry being a “role model,” stated about Curry: “Just don’t enlist him to tutor in history and science. As conspiracy theories go this one’s pretty easy to debunk.”

A Chronicle letter to the editor asserted, “Curry’s comments are disrespectful to thousands of people and families from the Golden State that made the moon landings and America’s absolute dominance of space possible.”

And even eminent Chronicle sports writer Scott Ostler weighed in: “If Stephen Curry doesn’t believe it, can’t it be true? Look closely at those pictures in the background, you’ll see Starbucks.”

National reaction, from TV talking heads, print media, sports fans, and regular people, to Curry’s sacrilege was unanimous. So overwhelming that it prompted Curry to say he was only joking. Really? Joking?

I ask why would anyone want to joke about the way they feel about the moon landings? What humor is there in that one way or another? Understandably, Curry backtracked to preserve his aura and reputation. His agent and managers surely advised him to do so. He certainly does not want to jeopardize his endorsements and his “role model” status.

I found it interesting that Curry was never asked to explain in detail why he believes the moon landings were not legitimate. Why not hear him out?

Instead he was mocked over and snickered at like most “conspiracy theorists” are. Because in America conspiracy theorists translate into whack jobs, crazies, and nuts. Am I right?

In America conspiracy theorists translate into whack jobs, crazies, and nuts.

From the first moon landing and walk 50 years ago, and the subsequent six other successful missions, there have always been those who have questioned them and do not believe they took place. I myself never would have thought something as important as landing a man on the moon would be lied about.

Governments, organizations, and politicians have a long history of not telling the truth. They may lie about many things, but not about something as awe inspiring as landing a man on the moon.

Yet, today, I have doubts about the veracity of the official NASA record with regards to the moon landings. Without question (debunkers aside) there are many, many anomalies regarding all the official photography taken on the moon. But it is not the Apollo pictures that create the most skepticism. It is logic. In a four year span from 1969-1972 NASA produced six successful

9 moon landings, with moon walks, half-million mile round trip missions, all without losing a single astronaut. Apollo 13 had to abort its mission due to an explosion that threatened their life support system, but they all returned to earth safely. Previous to that, both Mercury and Gemini programs didn’t lose a single astronaut in any mission.

Space travel, by all accounts is safe as can be. Then why did NASA nix the Apollo program, to, a decade later, implement the Space Shuttle program which never made it more than 300 miles up? A program that suffered two fatal tragedies with the loss of all astronauts.

Logic, back in 1972 after all that space success, would have dictated NASA continue its space exploration. Why, since 1972, has not NASA been back to the moon? Why no moon base?

Why no attempt at Mars? Space

travel certainly seemed a safe proposition, considering no man has ever died in space.

Most of those, like myself, who have doubts about the veracity of the moon landings are not “conspiracy theorists.” We are logical thinking people with open minds who are voracious readers. And I am not joking. We have no insecurity about how we feel. If you believe the moon landings were legitimate what do you have to worry about? No need to be insecure. Thomas Jefferson said, “That truth is great and will prevail if left to herself; that she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from conflict unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate; errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them.” Go ahead, mock and laugh away.

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Old is Funny

10

By Jann Gargiulo

What is “old”?

I have a friend who used to say, “old is 10 years older than I am.”

That’s good for my friend, Hal, but I want credit for every year I lived! And on April 5 that will be 70 years! That really amazes me!

Because that time went so FAST! I don’t feel 70 and thank God, I don’t even look 70. My darling grandson says that I don’t look “a day over 60”! I love him so much!!!

The reason I can write these stories of so long ago is because I feel like I’m still there living those days! My husband says that is important. That it means I’ve had a good life. Well I’ll tell you one thing, the day I met my husband, Ted, was the start of my adult GOOD life!

The day I met my husband, Ted, was the start of my adult GOOD life!

My childhood was a good life.

If you’ve been reading my stories here you know what I mean.

But, after high school many things happened to me. I went to adults for advice and was given the wrong advice. It took many horrible years for me to work on these problems. Thank God I learned to laugh... at the world, at my friends, at those who gave me bad advice and those who now rejected me.

When I turned 30 years old, actually a few days later, I met my a wonderful man. I was visiting some friends I met in Detroit when I did my internship there several years earlier. I lost my

airline ticket, so my girlfriend bought me a bus ticket to Cleveland where my sister and I would drive back to Maryland for our parents anniversary party.

Everything was well planned but, God had other plans.

While on the phone at the bus station I saw this man come in.

I knew in my being that we were going to be happily married. I can’t explain it now, any more than I could then. So I decided that no matter what bus he took I was taking that bus, too. I’m so glad he took the one I wanted! He sat in a seat about two-thirds of the way back and I followed him.

I sat right across from him. I said hello and told him my name. He nodded and mumbled something.

Sometime after the bus was on its way I mentioned that it was cold in there did he think so? And I reached over and touched his hand and held it just a little past long enough. As I took my hand back slowly I think he finally “got it!” We spent the rest of the ride together. And, the rest of our lives. We have enjoyed talking and laughing and laughing for almost 40 years now!

That’s what we’re known for wherever we live. Laughter! No one ever hears yelling from our place, but LOTS and LOTS of laughing! When things seemed like they were too much to bare we would just say, “In the great scheme of things this is silly!”

Then we would both laugh!

So 70 is just a number to me and one I am not afraid of. I face it with a smile that gently turns to laughter. I’ve still got a long way to go and I plan on laughing all the way.

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11

Nicky the Lover

Downtown Monterey The Best of the Best!

by Tony Albano We had a friend named Carole Chapman, who was an artist, who worked at home. She had an older dog and knowing that we just had gotten Nicky, she wanted to know if we could bring over little Nicky and to visit her dog, Toulouse, who was getting older.

Did you know that dogs can fall in love? I didn’t, until I brought these two dogs together. Nicky and Toulouse were totally in love. They would kiss one another so much, I was embarrassed by Nicky’s manners.

She would tear through the house with Toulouse, up on the furniture, romping around.

They don’t talk, they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, no dozen roses.

I kept apologizing to Carol, and Carol said, “Don’t worry.” She hadn’t seen her dog this happy in years. It had really brought him back to life, and before I knew it, I was dropping Nicky off there every morning to see her buddy, Toulouse. They had so much fun.

It was amazing to see two dogs in love. Nicky taught me a lot of things, but that is one thing I never thought could happen.

I mean, think about it. They don’t talk, they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, no dozen roses.

But these two dogs had found each other the way people could only wish they could. Toulouse was the only dog Nicky was ever in love with, and Carole told me that Nicky was the only dog Toulouse was ever in love with.

I’m sure it added a couple of years

to Toulouse’s life.

When Carol had to put Toulouse down, I realized that every time we drove by his house Nicky would cry. About a mile before we would even get there, Nicky would just start crying.

We’d pass the house, and she’d cry for another mile and this has gone on until even today. Seriously Nicky still cries when we pass that house.

Being who Nicky is, when I was in my car accident and was bedridden and house-bound, she became my constant companion.

She always knew the appropriate moves to make. Without her and my friend, Don, I don’t know if I could’ve made it through those years of convalescence. Nicky always knew how to behave and not get in the way.

She was so clever, that while I was recuperating, she learned this trick that if people were downstairs on the ground floor, I could send Nicky down with her leash, and they would take her for a walk. When they came back, Nicky would come running back upstairs with her leash.

When I got better, I started taking her to the nursing home, the Monterey Pines, and when we would go into a room, somehow or another, Nicky had the innate ability to know how to behave for the individual in the room. If they were lively, she was lively. If they were docile, she was quiet. She’s pretty amazing … a girl with a great heart.

Tony’s book, ‘Life is a bumpy Road, Smoothed Out by People and the Dogs You Meet Along the Way,’ is available online at Amazon and at Downtown Books & Sound in Salinas City Center. Published by Seton Publishing, Carmel , CA.

Old Monterey Marketplace • Best Farmers Market Aabha Indian Cuisine • Best Indian Restaurant Alvarado Street Brewing • Best Local Beer/Brewery • Best Selection of Craft Beers • Best Bar for Millennials Bagel Bakery • Best Bagel

Monterey County Vinters & Growers Association • Best Agriculture Business Association Monterey Museum of Art • Best Art Gallery • Best Gallery for Temporary Art Monterey Public Library • Best Library Monterey Sports Center • Best Health Club

Bull & Bear • Best Singles Bar Britannia Arms • Best Place for Karaoke

Montrio Bistro • Best Restaurant, Monterey • Best Bartender-Anthony Vitacca

Carmel Barre • Best Boutique Studio

MYO Frozen Yogurt • Best Ice Cream/ Frozen Yogurt

Cibo’s • Best Club for Jazz

Dennis Murphy (School of Music) • Best Local Musician

Crown & Anchor • Best Pub • Late Night Hangout

Old Capital Book • Best Bookstore-Used

Kathy DiMaggio @ Union Bank • Best Banker

Om Studios • Best Yoga Studio

Father Patrick Dooling • Best Clergy @ San Carlos Church

Osio Cinemas • Best Movie Theater

East Village Coffee Lounge/ • Best Cappuccino/Latte Carmel Valley Roasting Co • Best Coffee Shop Easy Street Billiards• Best Place to Shoot Pool Esteban • Best Appetizers/ Small Plates

Peter B’s Brewpub (Portola Hotel & Spa) • Best Chicken Wings Pharmaca • Best Pharmacy Poke Lab • Best Poke

Federico’s • Best Shoe Repair Shop Gasper’s • Best Jewelry Store Jacks Monterey (Portola Hotel & Spa) • Best Martini Jamba Juice • Best Smoothies Roseanne McCormick • Best K-12 teacher @ Monterey High School Monterey Conference Center • Best Contemporary/Modern Building

Monterey Music Store • Best Store for Musical Instruments

Paris Bakery • Best Bakery

Gina Puccinelli @ Monterey Sports Center • Best Yoga Instructor RaboBank • Best Bank Red’s • Best Donuts Rosine’s • Best Family Restaurant Spa on the Plaza • Best Place for Skin Care Starbucks • Best Place to Eavesdrop Trader Joe’s • Best Grocery Store Jeannette Witten • Best Attorney

CONGRATULATIONS to all the members of Old Monterey Business Association who were voted BEST in the 2019 MC Weekly’s Reader’s Poll.

Visit over 350 shops, boutiques, restaurants, hotels and great entertainment.

“The Peninsula‘s Downtown”

www.OldMonterey.org

12

THE BUSKING LIFE

Reflections in the Gutter – List While I Sink

By Michael Houston

Hear here?

- So how stupid is your smart TV? - You talking to me?

- Don’t be stupid.

- What kind of shoe pad?

- Better than 99 percent plus one, except for otter eaters.

- Breast feeders?

- Yes, it’s better for the baby’s gravity.

- Thirty-two feet per second, per second.

- Sez who?

- My long deceased dad. That’s who.

- Far be it from me…

- Better be!

- Best Beatles’ song ever!

- A real calmative, with or without ear swabs.

- A yes, ear pods are what the world needs now.

- Yo mama!

- Yo dental and private parts insurance best be up to date…

- Jays, just inquiring.

- Don’t! It’s grand-parenting time again.

A speaker on the roof of a venerable Alvo Stradt music store blares out, “Celebrate good times! Come on!

- Bless you, John, Michael, Mark, Clair, Paul, Joey, Derek, Amy, David, Bruce, Mike, Pat, Arthur, Luigi, Aju, Alan, Troy, Eddie, and all who keep music alive on the Peninsula and wherever else they ramble.

- So grand-parenting is good?

- Except for some of the aged deteriorating bodily aspects…

- And it counter balances the traditional joys of old age: decrepitude, anxiety, stress, depression, and loneliness?

- Granding complements

misfortunes nicely - You’ll be reduced to baby holding and bottle washing.

- True, but eventually I’ll earn my wings and get to change diapers.

- And newborns are less likely to share head lice, but more likely to pee in your eye.

- Heaven can wait until primary school.

Back to the interview…

• So you continue to hear things wrong as often as I do?

• The throngs have no hear here.

• And you call yourself a busker!

• I do have my aspirations…

• What sort of dispersions?

Playing stadiums?

• Like becoming top dog by the wharf.

• Lucky for you the monkey retired.

• And lucky the rangers don’t ticket you if you off the state park side of the wharf way.

• Music, art, and religion are protected free speech?

• Thanks to Sean the Piper, Harry’s Krishna’s et. al.

• But you can’t sell time-shares in airports, right?

• Not legally, but you can sell futures on planets for you and the family back to Adam and Eve. • Reincarnate them with good brain chemistry and nice attitudes this time.

• The souls of their feet may hurt if the pins they dance on are too sharp.

• That’s Angels. We’re Giants, Warriors, A’s etc!

• Why aren’t teams named Virgins and Martyrs?

• Wait! Pay tithes. Lead a good pious life. Hope your name doesn’t come up while Yahweh and Satan are at happy hour.

• And get rewarded with a planetary after-life with siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins who never liked you for good reason?

Can otter eater sole pads breathe on Venus?

• Put you guitars on luggage rack on your hearse. Sign up for a long-term security contract and be assured your resting place will not be sacked like the pharaohs’ were.

• Pie in the sky. You and your fast freeze DNA reincarnation scheme!

• Beats throwing your loved ones ashes into the wind and wearing them home.

• That’s what I call feeling the presence of loved ones as they prepare to become Star Dust.

• Ah life is transient, yet the departed are always with us. For example, my dog’s fur remained in my car upholstery over a decade after he left us.

• All the world needs now is love sweet love…Happy tax season.

We have enough youth.

How about a Fountain of Smart?

A nutritionist and a doctor are in love with the same woman.

The woman was scheduled for a week long business trip so the nutritionist gave her seven apples and said, “An apple-a-day keeps the doctor away”

13

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14

The Bay Area Bok Choy

By Robyn Justo Maybe it’s me, but all I wanted on a Sunday afternoon was a quiet lunch at a new restaurant. I was the only one there after an older couple left and I was getting my wish.

Enter the dude-with-thetude. I should have known when I overheard him telling the waitress that his bok choy was leaking and he wanted a new one, assuming that it was the fault of the person who packaged his leftovers earlier. He told her that he was from the Bay Area so I guess that either made his issue more viably important or

traveling the aromatic distance for him and his bok was way too far beyond his tolerance.

The waitress went to the back to make him a new one. He immediately got on the phone in the lobby and was talking so loudly that I could barely eat. This went painfully on and on.

Finally I walked out to the lobby. I have no idea what possessed me. I picked up a Weekly for a distraction but when he looked my way, I put a finger to my lips and said, “Shoosh” as I would to a rebellious child.

He hung up shortly afterwards

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and walked into the restaurant.

“What exactly IS the issue?” he asked me. I could tell he was looking for a verbal altercation or more.

“You were loud,” I responded.

“Was it just loud or was it the language?” he asked with an interrogational tone. Ok, we’re off.

He was speaking a mashup of English and something else, but it would have been loud in any language.

He was speaking a mashup of English and something else, but it would have been loud in any language. Loud is loud. It’s not about dialect. It’s about decibels.

What I almost said was, “Dude, I could care less if you are squeaking dolphin, mumbling Martian, or barking Pekingese but do you have any idea how disruptive that was?”

But I let it go and Mr. Loud Talk and his bok exited without any further interaction.

I don’t get it. Why does a person on a cell phone think that no one can hear them or do they even care what effect they have on those who are within earshot? A mere finger to my lips and a nonword (shoosh) got him riled.

He could have easily walked two more steps and been outside of the establishment. But he didn’t. I should have sensed the entitlement with his expectation

that his bok choy should be replaced and repackaged.

I know I took my life into my own hands. People are hit, shot, and killed for a lot less these days, but I couldn’t sit there and let it happen. We are all walking on eggs afraid to say or do anything anymore for fear of being accused of being politically incorrect or insensitive.

Maybe it is my building frustration and helplessness of having to witness an entitled brat in a sandbox demanding that he wants a wall to keep the other kids out, no matter what the cost.

It’s not ok. What is politically incorrect is who is on the podium.

Maybe it was something someone said the night before about not communicating feelings. As a writer, I’m typically clear and yet I have to admit that it’s sometimes easier to ignore things or simply walk away.

That’s not ok either. Not today. For all of those who have had their meals, conversations, and lives disrupted and interrupted by a loud talker, I spoke up.

And I’m still here on the planet, even more convinced that I might be on the wrong one.

(Sidenote, footnote, or in this case a headnote…Padma Lakshmi, the beautiful East Indian woman on Top Chef, was recently accused of cultural appropriation for wearing her hair in cornrows.

Would that happen if she wore braids because she is East and not American Indian?

And what about Bo Derek in 10? Are we going to go back in time and slam her for those gorgeous cornrows? Come on humans. Wake up. Is this really important in the bigger scheme of things? If we keep separating ourselves into categories and rows of corn we are building our own walls around ourselves.)

15

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17

By Daria James

The Irish (Wo)man I am writing this from the airport. I am on my way to partake in the Chicago St. Paddy’s Day parade festivities which I hear is all the rave if you are from Chicago or not from Chicago or Irish or into bad weather or alcoholic beverages. The weather in DC was getting too good. We are in the 60s right now, so we are going to Chicago where the wind is untenderly blowing rain on your face and it’s a balmy 30 F. I am a masochist, but that is besides the point. I am also watching the award-winning movie Chicago with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Renee Zellweger

to get into the Chicago stateof-mind (that was a corruption reference). I might have made referred to the movie before, what is not to love? I mean, good enough for the Oscar’s, good enough for me.

I will eat some of that loaf they try to pass for pizza. Sorry, but NY pizza is king. Best NY pizza I’ve ever had was in San Diego… and that is how you upset both cities while still being a smuggy Californian. Also, another way to halfway commit. Because you can live the life you like. You can eat pizza in San Diego but mess around in Chicago. (This is where I stopped writing at Airport Alright stop, collaborate and

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listen.

New Subject: I have experienced synchronicity (Google it) here and there, but I will share this one with you.

I like to watch UFC fights.

Never really had a favorite fighter per se, just enjoyed two fighters doing what they train for. Of course, I have been aware of a few of their most popular fighters but was meh about the hype.

Best NY pizza I’ve ever had was in San Diego.

Two weeks before I went to Chicago, I watched Conor McGregor: Notorious, a documentary about Conor McGregor and the rise to where he is. He came across very dedicated to his trade and his family. He is a genuine guy. He gives the best of him in the ring and he is a man of business in the shows before the fight. So, I guess the fan seed was planted.

On the Wednesday before we left, I was at the liquor store buying some essentials and his brand of whiskey was on sale, so I bought a bottle to try it out.

Fast forward to Chicago. I see the preparations for the parade and think, uh Conor is Irish, it would be cool if he was in the parade (at this point, I had no idea he was doing his rounds promoting his whiskey in our neck of the woods). We took a boat ride on the Chicago River and the sun came out to say hi. The view was amazing.

Good thing I am married or I would have proposed there. The view was gorgeous. The sun cut strategically through the clouds, because he heard me say the ride would be better if we had some sun. The colors blended just right with the city and the

water. Never mind I could barely feel my fingers. I had to capture the moment with my eyes for the Daria Memory Files…and take pictures for Instagram.

That night we went downtown for dinner and at the entrance there is a cut out of Conor holding his whiskey. I asked our server for a shot to try and I thought it was ok. I do not drink a lot of whiskey, just wanted to try it.

As we are finishing our food, I see some serious flashes coming from the bar. I thought maybe a local celebrity or newsperson doing a story for St. Paddy’s. As this continues, we are putting our coats on and start walking out, I see no other than Mr. McGregor himself shaking hands and taking pictures.

I felt this silly joy take over me and grabbed my friend who is a girl by the arm and got closer to him. He gave us a hug and we took a selfie. Boom!! How cool was that?! I put it out there for the universe and did he deliver!

Hey, Babe Ruth did not hit a home run every time he was up to bat. But when he hit them home runs, he hit it. To conclude: Chicago was amazing! A home run, even. Glad I had some great friends to share the experience with. Until we meet again.

Namaste!

I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.

18

Going Places What keeps a person volunteering to help others by giving over 4,600 rides since the 2011 inception of Independent Transportation Network of Monterey County (ITN), a membership based transportation service for seniors over 60 and the visually impaired? After speaking with Jeff Craig, the man who has given this extraordinary number of rides and will take people where they need to go, even early in the morning when other people are still sleeping, it is the gratitude and the impact his services provide to those in need. Jeff is on track to hit the magic number of 5000 rides this summer and has something special planned for the person he picks up.

The thought of losing the ability to drive brings stress and a loss of freedom. Getting to and from medical appointments,

shops, work, exercise locations, religious services, and seeing friends and family becomes a burden.

Attending events late at night or early in the morning is extra difficult.

For an annual membership plus the trip cost based on $4 for the pick up and $1.75 a mile, the client receives a guaranteed ride for any purpose in the service areas in Monterey County so long as they make their reservation by 2 p.m. the prior day. There is a discount for low income individuals for grocery and medical trips. The majority of drivers are volunteers who can choose to receive a reimbursement for miles driven with the member, or have a credit

to ITN Monterey County, which then sells the car. The money from the sale is transferred back to the donor in the form of a ride credit. Credits are transferrable to others. If a member no longer uses the account, funds accrued are refunded to the member.

Members need to be able to transfer themselves. Special requests regarding car height, type, and trunk size can be made to accommodate members.

There is no guarantee regarding specific drivers. However, drivers have had background checks and training. Drivers also have compassion and develop connections with members as they go about their lives in an independent, dignified manner.

Thank you to Jessica McKillip for providing additional information about the program and demographics of riders and drivers. The thing that makes having a trustworthy service so

valuable is that there need not be a sense of holding back living one’s life. Drivers are there, rain or shine. The service exists so that people can live full lives without having to ask for favors or feel awkward when being turned down. Having reliable transportation helps lift the emotional hardship, conflict, and arguments about transportation.

It makes life safer and saner. My recommendation regarding most services is: if you do not use it, it will not exist! Things are meant to be used.

For more information about ITN Monterey County or to schedule a ride: www.itnmontereycounty.org 831.233.3447

“A Few Good Friends” First EP in Five Years

RELEASE PARTY

Friday April 26th Show starts at 7pm

Featuring the hit single “I Wanta Love You”

Fox Theater• Oldtown Salinas $20 advance $25 at the door Hosted by: comedian/musician Richard Stockton

TICKETS towards their own account.

People transitioning from driving their own cars to becoming a member who uses the service can donate their cars

www.FewGoodFriendsFox.com Downtown Books and Music Wise Music

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Produced by The Cause and Effect Project and Umpa Nok

DILLIGS!?

By Mary Tompsett

19

Candy Penance and Casper Sitzmarks

As kids, we can easily misinterpret lessons taught by our elders, or ramp up our imagination to fill in the gaps.

True story: I thought committing adultery meant watching a sexy movie forbidden for religious reasons. During Lent, I embraced penance as extra credit to shore up a sagging salvation score.

Better yet, we could apply that credit to save other people. Talk about superpowers!!

I thought committing adultery meant watching a sexy movie forbidden for religious reasons.

So in grade school I boldly gave up candy for a year—a friggin’ YEAR—to save the soul of the most sinful person ever, an eightmarriage hotty actress starring in oodles of banned movies: Elizabeth Taylor. Oh Liz, I meant well—a whole year stuffed with candy penance deposits to my spiritual PayPal account, set up for your salvation. Lucky, lucky you. In hindsight, if anything needed help, it was my monster

sweet tooth. So, a belated thankyou, Liz, for saving my pancreas Take a seat. DILLIGS (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”) advice is still baking. Try some multiplechoice fun. Dolphins are back in the news again because: (a) for every person they assist to shore, they actually drag two others out to sea; (b) many continue to get hopelessly entangled in the International Date Line; or (c) to fight climate change, they have given up candy. If “eyes are the window to the soul,” then: (a) blame my lack of ambition on my lazy eye; (b) ears are the holes where good judgment leaks out; or (c) toes are the sullen passengers riding in our shoes. At the AARP Stunt Academy, seniors learn to: (a) do back flips with a walker while in the shower; (b) sext each other using the garage door opener; or (c) safely tumble down a flight of stairs without dislodging their Depends.

Okay, okay. Here’s my DILLIGS advice for snollygosters, fungible asseclists, and the few souls who bother to look up those words.

QUESTION: I often misplace things that turn up elsewhere in the house. Is it poor memory, or a ghost?

In prison, all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

DILLIGS: Could be either. Both.

Or a border collie. Personally, I have enough issues without getting a pet that’s smarter than me. Memory problems are quickly forgotten, so I say go with the ghost idea. The average household ghost may delight in hiding keys and eye glasses, or leave a big-ass sitzmark on the dusty piano bench. That said, it’s a wee bit more irksome to find Latin messages scrawled in blood across the living room wall. On the Plus side, it’s never too late to learn a language! Be prepared to correct sloppy verb conjugation.

I think we need more ghosts who are considerate, motherly, even codependent. They might levitate off the recliner to occasionally clean the litter box, make surprise bank deposits with laundered money, or trim our nose hairs while we sleep. But hey, if the ghost thing is creepin’ you out, do contact the Casper Cleaners staff in your area. They host a marvelous exorcism and stain removal party, but without the snacks. Keep the faith, baby. © 2019

Q: What is the center of gravity?

A: The letter V! Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters?

A: Bookkeeper Q: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

A: A penny!

Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots. How many T’s in that?

A: There are two T’s in THAT! Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?

A: A hole!

Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters?

A: DK (decay) Q: How many books can you put into an empty backpack?

A: One! After that it’s not empty.

People who see life as anything more than entertainment are missing the point.

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

20

1. Is an egg a fruit or a vegetable?

2. Do you believe in the Easter Bunny?

3. Where do they get spring water in the other three seasons?

4. If you swallow an ice cube whole, how long will it take until you poop it out?

Bob #1 1. The yoke is a seed therefor it’s a fruit.

2. I stopped believing when I was seven. I think my parents still believe in him because they give me a basket full of chocolate.

3. With all the rain, we will have plenty of water this spring. I hope it lasts.

4. On a bet, I swallowed a penny. Never saw it come out.

Robert 1. Doesn’t matter. They are delicious.

2. I would rather have the image of a cute fluffy bunny hiding my Easter eggs and bringing me jelly beans than my mother who was doing it just to shut us up.

3. They bottle it and put it in storage. It tastes different at the end of the year.

4. I sure don’t want that cold cube to get caught in my hinny.

Roberta 1. All vegetables are eggs but not all eggs are vegetables.

2. Of course, who else would be giving you those Easter eggs?

3. If you eat an artichoke, then drink spring water, the water will taste sweet — because of cynarin, a chemical found in artichokes.

4. I would be more worried if it got caught in my throat.

Bob #2 1. I think it’s a nut with a thin white shell.

2. I do. I haven’t seen him so I can’t prove he doesn’t exist.

3. Good question. I’m glad it’s April and we get fresh spring water.

4. Sounds painful.

Spring Fever’s Heating Up! Answers on pg 24

Mood Change Restless Lazy Amorousness Auto Antonym Daylight Seasonal Affective Disorder Springtime Lethargy Depression Energy Vitality Thoughts Love Cycles Biology

21 Coffee gives life force To the drowsy and groggy Our favorite ground bean

Stress is caused by life If you are stress-less, you are In coma or dead

Motorcycle guys Rev their engines to impress Put in your ear plugs

Word processors beat Typewriters fingers down Mess ups fixed easy

Life, is there an app In the cyber world showing How to be human?

Tall men often move Without gracefulness, but The top shelf, they got.

The post office gets A bad rap. What do you want For fifty-five cents?

Tattoos mean a dude Really wants to have pictures Everywhere he goes.

Cards have pixels now Distributed with a click And we can’t cheat, Darn!

Lint collects in pants Pockets and bellybuttons What’s the attraction?

Public restrooms make Me wonder how folks behave At home, nasty pigs!

Advertisers sell Us happiness in stuff Nirvana in shoes.

Acupuncture feels Relaxing but tense because Needles are in me!

Toilet paper is Offered with bears or angels Please—soft, strong, and cheap!

Tea drinkers are the Step-children in the world of Hot beverages

Soda is the fun Drink in commercial ads but It corrodes your gut.

Late night TV jokes Skewer politicians good But they deserve it.

Mortuaries are Necessary but not in The town tourist guide.

Relaxing is hard With rings, tweets, tones and buzzing Electronic hell.

We have more comforts Than ever before in time And more garbage too

Passwords pile up in My brain so that I do not Remember my name

Newspapers are thin Not enough for bird cages Already poop-filled

Monday morning meets With dread. Work week starts again Dream job? Who dreams jobs?

Creeping along in Road construction makes Me want my own drone.

Housework done to song Is easier to cope with.

Dust, clean, boogie-down.

When springtime arrives Plants grow and flowers blossom Allergies, aah choo!

Press one to seek help Press two to stay connected Press three to live life

Stealing Haikus from A website would be Plagiarism. Damn!

Beauty is in eyes Of beholders, but ugly Is in the actions

Writing Haikus makes Me count syllables all the Time. Seventeen, Yessssss!

Ants in the kitchen Long lines scurrying to food Fascinating. Spray!!

Thanks for coming along on my Haiku journey. Happy Easter!

By Debbie Harris Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry. The poem consists of three lines of verse with a total of 17 syllables. The first and third lines have five syllables and the middle line has seven syllables. The lines rarely rhyme.

I offer some humor-directed Haikus written in English, as my Japanese isn’t quite up to par.

And by “isn’t quite up to par” I mean, doesn’t exist.

Chocolate tastes so good But on the hips it collates Substitute beets? Bleh!

Christmas is merry When nog is flowing freely Drink it for coping.

Starbucks is busy Every day, lines out the door What? No Keurig pods?

Girls in skimpy clothes Say,” Hoochee Mama is here.

Buy me something first.”

Calories come in Exquisite, tempting delights Carbs, fats in disguise.

Cell phones keep us close To distant people, but far From those nearby us

As you exit the plane, anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses.

Facebook is waning Privacy not so secure Regret for some posts.

22

Silents, please!

Pie Factory Unleashed in “Forgotten” Flick!

by Dana B. Larrabee

A Kinegraph-Mutual Picture Starring Susie Murillo, Norman Desmond Rosie Sudrigez, Aleta Suntan

Sylvia McVye (Susie Murillo) plasters the double-talking Peter Calverton (Norman Desmond) when she catches him flirting with one of her pie-bakers. The glee is deliciously genuine! PictoPlay Magazine captured the moment and later revealed that Murillo frequently clashed with Desmond on the set.

His JUST DESSERTS Directed by Susie Murillo and Larry Danabe

While the films of the silent era (1902-1927) are mostly forgotten curiosities, those of Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd have survived and regularly turn up at cinema retrospectives and on the Turner Classic Movie Channel.

But there are other lesser known silent era comedies that can still startle and delight in the era of CGI, Panavision, 3-D and Dolby Surround-Sound-- perhaps even funnier today than when they were shot back in the 1920’s.

If any one “custard pie” feature comedy tops the list of all-time greats, it’s His Just Desserts starring Susie Murillo, who was to silent films what Ilana Becker is to today’s TV sitcoms. Desserts zips along at a breakneck pace, setting up all its characters and basic plot in the first two reels. The last three build to a trio of hysterically funny sequences; non-stop onslaughts of inventive pie gags all worked out by Murillo herself, who also co-directed with Larry Danabe.

But when the picture was made in 1927, “custard pie comedy” was considered old hat; passé. After all, Laurel and Hardy did it best years before in Battle of the Century, and critics opined so-called “pie pics” were dead. Nevertheless, no other movie tops the inspired pie-plastering melées we get in Desserts.

Susie plays Sylvia McVye, who inherits the Mother McVye’s Pie Company and discovers the firm is near collapse due to plummeting sales.

To turn things around Susie recruits the dapper fast-talking “efficiency expert” Peter Calverton (Norman Desmond) with whom she quickly becomes infatuated. Completely conned, she gives him carte blanche to implement an automated pie-baking system to put the company in the black-- in “apple pie order,” so to

Susie Murillo, Norman Desmond and special effects technician A. Arnold Sersen after Peter Calverton gets “his just desserts.”

speak. Disorder is what results!

Unbeknownst to Susie, Calverton plans to layoff most of her female workforce. They get wind of the scheme and two baker-activists (Rosie Sudrigez and Aleta Suntan) vow to sabotage Calverton. Their well-targeted campaign begins when Rosie stages a fake tryst with Calverton behind the pie-making machinery-- making certain Susie catches him in the act. That’s when Susie enthusiastically delivers Calverton’s first pie in the eye!

Mother McVye’s Pies bakers, Rosie Sudrigez and Aleta Suntan share their opinion of Peter Calverton’s automation and layoff plans.

Another pie-perfect sequence is where Peter in a presentation to potential distributors, challenges the workers to a bake-off and taste test competition against his new autopie system. In a sequence outdoing Chaplin’s Modern Times, the mechanized assembly line goes haywire (Suntan has reversed some electrical connections and amped up the power) so pies fly fast and furiously into the faces of Calverton and the astounded attendees!

The entire fiasco is recorded on film by the newsreel crew Peter hired.

In one trick shot, Murillo hurls a pie directly at the audience, in effect, right in our faces! Then the camera pulls back to reveal a disgruntled operator clearing banana cream off the lens.

A. Arnold Sersen, who worked on Michael Curtiz’ Noah’s Ark created Desserts’ special effects. “We set up a sheet of tempered glass about a foot in front of the Mitchell,” he recalls. “We had Susie lob a pie-smack! Right at it! She had a Hell of an arm, too, that woman! Then we’d clean off the glass and have her do it over ‘til we got what we wanted.

And that shot got one of the biggest laughs in the picture!”

To add insult to injury, Murillo appropriates Calverton’s newsreel footage for a Mother McVye’s screen ad that sucks in theater staff, the audience, police, fire fighters, everyone-- into an uproarious pie-throwing maelstrom. The ingenuity of this sequence is staggering, with pies flying right off the movie screen into the face of the audience!

For the crowded theater scenes, Sersen had catapults loaded with pies strategically placed out of camera range. A master control let him send pies flying on cue to enhance whatever the actors were doing.

“The most challenging part,” Sersen confides “was preparing the damn pies and all the clean-up after.”

The simple but deliberately con-

trived plot is the perfect framework for classic gag sequences that build to a frenzied melée of pie-flying slapstick raining down on Calverton and everyone around him in the final reel.

Thanks to the comical movie ads, McVye’s Pies become big sellers.

Calverton’s assembly-line methods are scrapped, but along with his walking papers, he does wind up with a cash bonus for arranging the filming. So like all good “custard pie” comedies, everyone lives hap-pie-ly ever after!

His Just Desserts was so successful, Kinegraph-Mutual added new scenes plus a sound track and re-released it in 1934 to equally enthusiastic audiences. A national pie distributor even paid for the rights to use the name “Mother McVye’s” with a photo of Susie Murillo to market pastries under that brand name well into the 1950’s. Footage from Desserts’ best pie-fight sequences turns up in some later Three Stooges shorts as well as Chase Weaver’s excellent 1972 Comedy Stew compilation film celebrating comedians of the silent film era.

Fake News! This April Foolish text and photos were adapted

by Larrabee from a volume created for (what else!?) a prop for his movie, M&M Boyz International, now in production.

COPYRIGHT 2018 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

23

Grandparents - through the eyes of children I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before.

After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.

“We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?’’

“You’re both old,” he replied.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

Answers on page 24

24

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Our four-year-old son scared us by disappearing on the beach during our family vacation in Monterey. We were all relieved when we found him playing calmly near a pile of drift wood.

“Listen to me” my wife said sharply. “From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?” He thought about that for a moment and said, “Okay. Disneyland.”

from page 20

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Downsizing & the Standard Deduction

Downsizing can be important in that it means one gets rid of stuff they have not used for a while to make more room for the situation that they are now in. It appears that people have way too much stuff and are almost hoarders.

We lived in a development just outside of Salinas off Highway 68. There were several hundred homes, side by side, in the first phase of the development with each home having a two car garage. It was amazing that the majority of the garages were full of stuff and the cars were parked in the driveway. There were very few garages in which the residents had one or two cars parked. Maybe they used or

needed all that stuff stored in the garage or maybe they were just hoarders. It is very difficult to get rid of that stuff one has had for a long time even if it is not being used. But there is a way.

First have a consultation with your spouse or partner on what items to get rid of and then have a garage sale. After the first garage sale, getting rid of more stuff will be easier, with a follow-up garage sale say a few months afterwards.

The older one gets, the more stuff one collects, and the more difficult it is to downsize. If you’re a senior citizen one has to ask the question, “How much of this stuff have I used in the last couple of years?” And another question

would be, “How much of this stuff will I be using in the future?”

If you are still doing oil changes on the cars and some minor home repair then do not sell your tools. If you are too old to surf anymore then sell the surfboards or use them for decorative purposes in the garage or in the sports room where there is a big screen TV, couch and a bar. And it is very important that you let your kids and grandkids know about the sale because they might just come by and relieve you of a lot of your garage sale items. If they surf they may buy the surfboards. If they drive sports cars they may want your Porsche (don’t sell it). You need that Porsche for leg exercises like moving the clutch pedal and gas pedal and arm exercise changing gears via the stick shift.

The older one gets, the more stuff one collects, and the more difficult it is to downsize.

If you live in a three bedroom house then sell the furniture in one of the bedrooms and make it

25 a man cave as mentioned above with a big screen TV, couch, computer desk and bar. You’ll still have a bedroom for relatives that visit overnight and the couch in the man cave could be folded out into a bed.

Congratulations income tax payers!!! For those of you who itemize, the federal government has significantly increased the standard deduction. Now one doesn’t have to search their sales slips and keep records for what to itemize in order to beat the amount in the old standard deduction. The new standard deduction is much higher. We now can afford to buy a few extra Frappuccino’s at Starbuck’s.

Whoever in government did this should be given an award!!

This is not an April Fool’s joke.

Using technology to clean up the mess made by technology doesn’t seem intelligent.

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26

April 1-7 Laugh at Work Week

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The Bunny appears with chocolate, painted eggs, jelly beans and Peeps.

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