May 2018
I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU, FULL OF AMBITION. SEE WHERE IT GOT ME?
» Pg. 22 Event Calendar » Pg. 26
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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The Chucklehead Speaks This month at the fairgrounds, Cali Roots kicks off summer with a dose of world class culture and music that will make you want to dance and sway. It’s a special occasion to feel the warmth of the sun in a collective environment filled with good vibes that will feed your soul and last all year. May also brings us Mother’s Day. This is a day that the phone companies used to make a lot of money on long distance calls. Now the cost is built into your cell phone plan. Thank your Mom for providing love that’s as never-ending as voicemails. You know you have a solid relationship with her when she knows it is your number and uses caller ID to avoid you. We all have a mom and they all love us through our good times and bad. My Mom knew I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box when she told me summer
is right around the corner and I ran off to find it. I was her little treasure. My Dad thought you should bury treasure for someone else to find. Our own Mama Morgan delivered her second child in April. She is a great person with a loving husband and a future full of opportunity. If her kids ever think she doesn’t possess a sense of humor and can’t make a joke, she can remind them that she made them. Happy beginning of the summer season and happy Mother’s Day to all of you who make the world a better place. Peace to you and glad we can provide a reason for you to laugh.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Chucklehead.....................Stevie P. Editorial Fool.....................Susie Q. Art Fool.....................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool....................Jonah Dee
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Keith Larson, Stacy Lininger, Stephanie, Chris Myers, C.J. Paghasian, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
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P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
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SECOND CHANCE
105 CENTRAL AVE, PACIFIC GROVE 2311 N FREMONT ST, MONTEREY (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org
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Bottle Shoppe Surf N Sand Liquors
Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town. Chilled wines & champagne. Wine tasting room. Visit our cigar lounge. Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805
Late Night Denny’s
Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
Café Bay Café & Cantina
Best breakfast & lunch. Pet-friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts. 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
Fast Food If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
Promote your restaurant here 831.648.1038
Donuts Red’s
Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts. 433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444
Chinese Full Moon
Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
Seafood I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
Breakfast First Awakenings
...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Italian Gino’s
Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Mexican Jose’s
A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
Wine Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
Japanese Wakatobi Japanese Grill
GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
Pubs Crown & Anchor
Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
Thai Yangtse’s Taste of Thai
Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli
Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821
Salad Bar Crazy Horse
The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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By Ted Gargiulo
Solutions in Search of Problems
I remember reading, years ago, that authors would one day be able to submit their manuscripts online, right from their computers. No way, I thought! Imagine, no more typing or printing a hard copy for the editor. No more numbering and binding the pages, cramming them into a 9x10 envelope, then schlepping over to the post office to weigh it, calculate the postage, and send it off before the place closed. By all rights, a streamlined online submissions process should have excited me. But it didn’t, not right away. Why not? Why does anybody buck innovation? For starters, the idea of transmitting a document from one desk to another without leaving one’s room sounded farfetched, futuristic—too incredible to take seriously. Worse, it was an affront to diligent, unsavvy diehards like me, still struggling to meet deadlines via conventional, albeit cumbersome, methods we call “snail mail.”
I knew people in the workplace who liked to romanticize over the burdens they faced. They convinced themselves, and would have had others believe, that busting one’s butt was somehow ennobling. That work-saving shortcuts were for wimps, so they avoided them. They took perverse delight in proclaiming to the world: “Witness my struggle! This is what I do; this is who I am! Don’t disrespect my diligence by making life too easy.” Perhaps a small part of me had adopted that mindset. It would explain my initial resistance to the new technology I’d heard so much about. Then I bought my first computer and discovered email. And whoa, did that ever make a believer out of me! Out of all of us. It so revolutionized written communication, it rendered previous modes obsolete. But the struggle wasn’t over. One email account SHOULD have been sufficient. Problem was,
friends and acquaintances, who never had much to say before, suddenly couldn’t shut up. Before long, keeping up with the string of jibber-jabber became a full time preoccupation. Not to mention the idiotic jokes these click-happy users started spreading around. And the “forwards.” And the blizzard of ads flooding our inboxes daily. And the spam. It got to where users needed multiple accounts just to organize their legitimate correspondence, plus special software to filter out the rubbish. No rest for the weary!
Before long, keeping up with the string of jibber-jabber became a full time preoccupation. With the advent of “social media,” multiple accounts evolved into multiple devices, and multiple
venues. Diving headfirst into this porridge of possibilities, a person unaccustomed to entertaining more than one thought at a time must now decide: Whether to combine various email services, keep them separate, or create new ones. Whether or not to synchronize his contact lists. Should he send his friend/business partner an email, “message” him on Facebook, “text” him via tablet or cell phone…or write nasty things ABOUT him on Twitter? So many options, so little time! As tech solutions multiply, so do anxieties concerning cybersecurity, online privacy, stolen data, computer viruses and fraud. So does our dependence on industries dedicated to protecting us, and our systems, from attacking one another. The struggle never ends. As I see it, no amount of innovation will keep us from inventing new ways and new reasons to remain busy. Nor will busting one’s butt lose its appeal. It’s the effort that makes us noble. Don’t disrespect it. It’s who we are. It’s what we do.
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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram May Day, May Day! If you’d rather fight than switch then don’t bitch about the black eye …n you know how vain you are. No room this month for Aries vagaries, it’s all about the core. Question is how many licks does it take to get to your center? Chin up!
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Hey Spikey the Recluse! Don’t be a killjoy. Waiting for a new shell to harden? Anticipation, an-ti-ci- pation is making me gray... How’s about a nice Hawaiian Punch?! Let go of that Kung Fu grip and say yes to Martini & Fosse, and do the jump and jive.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull A tranquil May afternoon may have you sauntering towards the sunny side of the ring and popping down some Pipas. But your baloney has a first name, it’s b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t and you are about to bust! Put away that Blimpus Olympus attitude. Perhaps a few forgot your Birthday, so bite that gritty red rose and charge!
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a familiar bizz this is! You are a magnanimous spicy meat-a-ball of power. But your impatience leads you to eat the whole thing...uh, uh Ralph and Ralphina. Take advice from Speedy and get the relief you need. Before your heart burns for more!
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins What Paul Sasson said nearly a century ago today is still true: Release no whine before it’s time.. now is certainly the exception! Wash that man/woman right out of your hair and you will double your pleasure, double your fun with BrylScream! A little dab’ll do ya.
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin You were a big splash in the small pond in your back yard. You can be a real Kool Aid Kid when you are happy go plucky like this. It’s good for once that you’re not all business as usual. You’ve earned yourself an instance of winsome. Coast the back stroke Virgie.
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Mr. Whippie was a hippy right before he started squeezing the Charmin. We all know what that led to. You too are once again attempting to balance your subterfuge with directness. Not a tiptoe through the tulips is it! You may want to roll with surrender and wipe with surprise.
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat In the dull and commonplace occurrences one thing stands out as a completely unique experience; sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t! But life has a daily assortment of nuts. It’s up to you to pick which nut to crack... BeCause Mounds and mounds of joy can be found in any nut.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Droll, but you made an impression with Skoal, between your cheek and bum. You are drawn to the mysterious, no need to keep this a secret. (It was the crunch that gave you away.) A sensuous eclipse this month will allow your true alluring personality to gnaw, chew, and grind...but not with your mouth open.
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Your comfort zone will allow you two all golf caddies, special gloss, zealous breeze, tickles, from Paul Bunyan all on a ecstasy believed run! Go to it...Sometimes in order to churn out some amazing ideas, you have to let your uninhibited desires bite your social conscience. It’s alarming how charming this feels!
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer A simple case of the Blahs can send you reeling! Especially with all the scheduling, dozens of runs, serving tons, greeting thousands and all delivered with love. No wonder things go better for you with Koke, after Koke after Koke after Koke. Moderation is the REAL Thing!
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Paris in the springtime PI? Why not! The smell of success is never too sweet for a compassionate soul like yourself. This time you’re going to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, and you’ll never ever forget you’re on land, because you’re a human! Yet, it’s time to teach the world to swim in perfect harmony.
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By Daria James
Simple Things are Simply Too Complicated Whether I agree with someone’s views regarding a subject or disagree with them, I am always open for a civilized debate. I also know I am intellectually superior if they begin to attack my character. Or worse, if they call me a liberal followed by other unpleasant words. Liberal is our era’s version of hippie. Trends come and go, truthfulness remains. Savvy? The dictionary defines liberal as somebody who favors tolerance or open-mindedness, however, it is not being used in an endearing manner. The dictionary also defines a conservative as somebody who advocates traditional ideas and behavior. If you are getting angry, remember that a group of highly educated individuals had a meeting and came up with these definitions. I have no issue with anyone who supports traditional ideas; however, if you do not represent the ideas you fervently endorse then be a pal and get out. Additionally, look up the word hypocrite. I am for doing what and whom you love as long as two legally consenting individuals are not hurting a third party. Nevertheless, some people mask their bias with religious morals or patriotism. A patriot by the way is someone who claims to be a defender of their country and its way of life. However, listening to crappy music, driving a Japanese truck, and wearing shirts with bald eagles over the American flag do not make anyone a patriot. It just means you probably have sunburn on the back of your neck. Want to do your part to defend the country, pick a military branch and start there. If you have a child out of wedlock, or if you are in your second marriage you are no longer traditional. If you have an issue
with immigrants, perhaps you should stop taking pride on being one-quarter Italian, one-half Irish, one-third German and whatever other fraction you feel like adding to your mix. Because those “tribes” did not just manifest in America’s soil. Awkward for you.
I am for doing what and whom you love as long as two legally consenting individuals are not hurting a third party. We cannot grow as individuals if we are not open to change; we cannot evolve as a society with outdated mentalities. Gone are the days (at least in most of America) when women were property and could not vote. When you could not marry outside your race, when homosexuality was a crime punishable by law, ah yes, those were the days. I was visiting D.C the other day and I saw a 15-year-old Caucasian (since I am being PC) boy, wearing one of those MAGA shirts, but he was in line to buy a burrito from Mexican people. What an incredible paradox. Thought I was in a Black Mirror episode for a minute. Oh, the selfrestraint I had to enforce. I mean yeah, 2000’s bring back some fun memories, like when I totally called Chicago winning an Oscar for best movie, but they were not “great” years per se, although compared to the present, one could make an argument but it would not be accurate. “Great” is a state of mind really, it is all about perception. I used to not care about weekends because I had to work on the weekends. I can admit I was envious of those who had weekends off, now I love weekends because
I do not have to work them, and to me that is great! As an immigrant woman, I sympathize with all immigrants. I do not care which country others came from. Our journeys are different but in the end, we all crossed the same border. As a woman I care about all women issues. We all have the same body parts and respective issues, whether you like it or not, we are in this together. I am doing my part to help the team; of course I am not listing all my accomplishments, I am not about to fly my own kite and I have limited space here. That Sudoku has to go somewhere. I will share I am doing better than ever. Sure, some could be doing better than I, but I am unconcerned, for we live different lives. During our times of struggle, divided we cannot succeed, teamwork makes the dream work, you guys. Even Velma Kelly swallowed her pride and admitted she could not do it alone. She was not perfect and neither was Roxie Hart. They put their differences
aside and came together to lift each other up and reach stardom. We will have imperfect allies, none of us is flawless, but when we know better, we do better, otherwise you are the worst. When we disregard hatred, we are contributing to the damage.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?
By Rex Keyes
Ridiculousness
There is a TV program that is pretty funny called “Ridiculousness.” Basically it shows how silly people are when they take a chance on doing something to show off. It is foolishness at its best. For instance a kid ties a rope to the bumper of a car and is pulled down the street on his skateboard. Well, skateboard wheels, even though they are tough, have their limits. He gets up to a certain speed, the skateboard then starts wobbling and the skateboarder flies off the board across the asphalt and into a bunch of bushes on the side of the road. The ridiculousness and foolishness is what he wasn’t wearing. Was he wearing a protective helmet? No! Was he wearing protective leather gloves and or suit? No! Was he wearing protective shoes or boots? No! Of course to look cool while skateboarding all one needs is Bermuda shorts, a short sleeve shirt and sandals. It also might be handy then to have Blue Shield medical insurance with a specialty covering on skateboarding so that they can put you back together. Skateboarding challenges are just one example of foolish things
people can do as there is jumping from rooftop to rooftop on buildings that are close together. There is skiing, dirt biking, regular biking, the list goes on and on in this TV program. This program is especially a good education for kids who think they are virtually
Of course to look cool while skateboarding all one needs is Bermuda shorts, a short sleeve shirt and sandals. indestructible in sports. Last year I wrote an article on how tourism will increase in Monterey County and what needed to be done to accommodate it in the future. But I believe I was slightly behind the timing on the flood of tourists that will come to the Monterey area. It was a regular weekday, workday in April when we went to Carmel. Every street parking space was taken and this was in the middle of the week on a Wednesday. The streets were full
of people but not as crowded as during summer. The parking lot at Pt. Lobos was completely full and people had to park along Highway 1 and walk in. It’s going to be amazing what tourism will be like this summer! As far as ridiculousness is concerned we can go out of our way to do a few foolish things without getting hurt. For instance, try a different Frappuccino instead of the same one you always order. Instead of you driving your spouse all over town on errands, go with the spouse but let him or her drive and as a co-pilot you tune the radio station to whatever station you like. At Costco, don’t be the one who pushes the cart. Be the one who goes out and hits the free sample stands and brings the food back to the cart. And for a big thrill try watching a comedy show you’ve never seen before like “Mom,” “Man with a Plan,” “Lucifer,” or “Life in Pieces.” For you mothers, have a happy Mother’s Day. And in memory of our soldiers don’t forget to fly the flag on Memorial Day.
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Knock Knock! Who’s there? Abby! Abby who? Abby birthday to you. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Tarzan! Tarzan who? Tarzan stripes forever. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Doris! Doris who? Doris locked, that’s why I knocked. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Avenue! Avenue who? Avenue heard this joke before. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come over and play. Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady? Little old lady who? Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel! Knock knock! Who’s there? Water? Water who? Water way to answer the door! Knock knock! Who’s there? Cargo! Cargo who? Car go “Beep beep”
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By Stacy Lininger
Meet Doctor Bend Stacy: Do you believe in the theory that people’s last names dictate their profession? Bend: Not sure. Stacy: I know you come from a long line of chiropractors named Bend and I find that difficult to quibble with. Had they been proctologists, it wouldn’t have worked out as well. When did you first decide to become a chiropractor? Bend: In the Navy. I watched a doctor over medicate a 12-yearold girl with a cold. Very nearly killed her with a disturbing lack of thought. Stacy: Do you think medical doctors are trying to keep us sick? Bend: Not the doctors themselves but the system in which they operate. Many, I fear, have discovered that by actually ‘doing’ what they had hoped to do for their patients, they are denied financial support necessary to survive. Those who stick it out and fight the system are fearful of being killed off. That has been said to me by an MD who fought the system.
Stacy: Where is the funny bone located and what is its function? Bend: Actually the funny bone isn’t. It is the ulnar nerve which carries the nerve impulse to the ‘attitude’ finger which can be both funny and rude or mean and rude. Stacy: Is that the finger that comes in handy while driving? Bend: Yes. Stacy: When my back was in spasm for almost a year, I tried everything including acupuncture which helped but didn’t fix the problem. My acupuncturist told me going to a chiropractor might exacerbate the problem. In the end, you were the only one who could fix me since my spine was out of alignment. Why would a chiropractor get a bad rap from a fellow alternative healthcare professional? Bend: Divide and conquer.
Sign at a primary care office: Warning: Patient will be charged extra for annoying the doctor with any self-diagnosis found on the internet.
For more fun facts follow Doctor Bend on his blog spot at http:// drbendmonterey.blogspot.com. Maybe he will even write you a prescription for laughter which truly is the best alternative medicine.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Stacy: Yesterday I heard about doctors resuscitating patients who had previously signed do not resuscitate forms. Bend: Clearly the insurance coverage had not been exhausted yet. Stacy: When I am laid to rest, please do not crack my back to bring me back to life. Bend: Aww…OK. Stacy: Speaking of cracking people up, how do you utilize humor in your profession? Bend: I say, “Trust me I used to work for the government” as I am adjusting them.
Disney World is a trap operated by a mouse. Answers on page 24
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12 Q: Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes? A: It has open other end printed on the bottom. Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears? A: They’re refueling. Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio? A: She didn’t want one for nights.
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade four. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?” Q: Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Why can’t the blonde make ice cubes? A: She lost the recipe. Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it? A: With a thought. Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk. Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A: A dumb terminal. Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand? A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in? A: The sign said must be 18 to enter.
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet? A: She was last year’s hide and seek winner.
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes? A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water? A: A blonde trying to put it out.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding? A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the instant pudding setting button.
Q: How does a blond know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work? A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door. Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes? A: A blonde at a blinking red light.
Moms don’t want to sleep like a baby, they want to sleep like a husband.
A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday present. The next birthday came but this year he didn’t buy her a gift. The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-inlaw why he had forgotten this time. The angry sonin-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
The Not-So-Immaculate By Robyn Justo
Consumption
I came upon a very interesting video the other day called The Science of Fasting. The premise of the movie was that the body had the potential to heal itself, much more so when one fasted for a duration of time. I wonder why it’s called fasting. It’s been around for thousands of years and yet so few of us do it. I remember being a college kid and I did a fast and after a few days I was excitedly lucid and higher than a kite. I cheated a little with bouillon and bubble gum. It was like there was something powerfully intelligent in this human skin suit that was hidden under all those fast foods and slow snacks I had been shoving down my throat while studying. We keep putting stuff into this thing called a body and sad to say a lot of it contains some variation of sugar and shouldn’t even be considered real food. Fasting cleans it all out and the body returns to it’s natural state of health, slowly not so fastly. Funny. I think we all know that the word breakfast is about breaking the fast from our last meal to morning. I once dated a guy who would ask the waitresses in the restaurant what the biggest breakfast on the menu was. It was a bit embarrassing because he was not a starving dude or even a
starving artist for that matter. He wanted the most food to stuff into that body of his after it was empty for a wee while. After devouring his Jumbo Jacks and Super Sausages, he moved over to my plate and sucked up my leftovers. So much for immaculate
Fasting cleans it all out and the body returns to it’s natural state of health, slowly not so fastly. consumption. For most of us, fasting is equal to starving and we are obviously not. It feels like deprivation. Why should we do it? Food is fun for us. It’s part of our social life. It’s our reward for getting through the day. It’s nurturing. But like all of the other things we are programmed to want and think we can’t live without, how much do we really need? Each meal is not our last but it feels that way sometimes. For me, I discovered that when I am at the computer watching a video or show, my mind whispers “It’s munch time!” I don’t do this when I am writing an article though or concentrating on a task. It happens when I am on auto-pilot, like there’s someone else giving
the orders. Where is my stop gap option, pause button, wake-up call? Some people worry about artificial intelligence taking over the world. I think it already has. It’s the AI of Splenda and Sweet-nLow telling us that we are healthier this way, causing addictions and cravings that beget cravings, and making us eat a whole lot more. I had a love affair with Xylitol until my stomach started hurting and I found out it was toxic for dogs and oddly enough, I do have the ability to bark. Don’t fear the subliminal. It’s hidden in plain sight. We don’t fast because we are addicted. Or at least I am. More isn’t always better, but food along with everything else now, is marketed that way. The bigger, the better bargain. Think COSTCO. For a single like me, that place scares me. I start shaking when I walk through the door like I’m lost in the Land of the Giants. I want out of there FAST! Thank God the carts are big because I usually have to be wheeled out after my anxiety kicks in. What goes in, must come out. What doesn’t go in might be the key to a healthier life and one of the few things that we can intelligently control in our own environment.
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13
Drink coffee… Do stupid things faster.
14
By Debbie Harris
Let’s Cry About It
We all do it from time to time; we do it a lot when we’re young—cry. As adults we try not to do it in public, especially not at work. It makes everyone uncomfortable and sympathy criers might get started too. Crying is supposed to be good for you—a catharsis, a way to cleanse. Well, if it’s so darn good for you, why does it mess up your face so much? I’ve heard Oprah talk about an “ugly cry,” but to me, it’s all ugly crying. As soon as you start crying, your nose turns rosy and runs, the eyes get wet, puff up and redden. Even if you keep the cry to a few tears rolling down your cheeks, your face still starts to swell and your voice cracks. When it really gets going (maybe this is what Oprah is talking about), you
gasp for air and can only talk in short bursts when you can catch your breath. Your eyes are soggy and you’re your nose runs like a sprinter in the last seconds of a race. You’re a mess---Aaaaah, what a refreshing experience!
As soon as you start crying, your nose turns rosy and runs, the eyes get wet, puff up and redden. Some people seem to like to cry. I’ve heard women talking about a movie they’ve just seen, saying, “It was so good. I cried and cried.” Really? You measured it on the cry meter? How did it rate? Two teardrops? Eight teardrops
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and a snotty nose? I don’t like to see movies that make me cry, especially over fictional characters. I save my cries for real life. In sensitive circles I’ve heard that we’re not supposed to give tissues to a person who is crying, because it shuts down that person’s communication. I don’t agree. As far as I’m concerned, the person can keep talking and keep crying. I just think it means, “We don’t want to see your nose run into your mouth.” There is one type of crying that is an exception to the ugly cry, a type I might want to participate in. It’s what I’ve heard called “Happy Tears.” Those spring to eyes when we see a loved one we haven’t seen in a long time; we reach a goal we’ve worked hard for; we hear good news that helps relieve our stress. We all live for Happy Tears. Happy Tears are never an ugly cry. Children are so natural with their tears. Adults aren’t that way; we stifle our tears. What if adults cried like little kids did? Would we feel better and move on? Let’s try it. When you go to get coffee at work and someone left the pot empty? Cry. Maybe the culprit will feel bad, make another pot of coffee, and bring you a cup. The lines are long at Costco and
you’re in a hurry? Weep. Maybe they’ll open another lane and offer you a coupon for a case of Kleenex. You can’t get your bank account to balance? Wail. Of course, the bank won’t care. You get a bad haircut? Sob (ok ladies, you know we already do this). Increase the volume of your cries in the face of anyone who reminds you that your bad haircut will grow out. Your boss gives you too much work to do? Start bawling. Maybe you can get some help. Or the opportunity to apply for unemployment. Your partner doesn’t want to see the same movie you do? Call them a dooty-head and cry. Wait, I think this is how you become single. I guess crying for adults wouldn’t work out very well after all. I guess we need to go back to stifling. Wishing you only Happy Tears. Happy Mother’s Day!
My summer vacation is sending the kids to camp.
A F i n e Ex amp le
By Jann Gargiulo
My Dad really loved my Mom. Everything he did and said showed how much he loved her. Every time anyone met them they were so amazed at such love this couple displayed. My Dad was a good example of what a husband should be. He didn’t do everything right concerning my Mom, but he always did what he thought was right and what he thought was good for her. He was a good role model for the boys, and showed all us girls what kind of husband we should seek. When I was about 11 years old I told my Mom that I wanted to marry someone like Daddy. That was much better than when I was five and told her that I was going to marry Daddy some day! She told me that I could not marry my Daddy. I was so sad and asked her why not. She answered, “Because he is married to me!” So, by the time I was 11 I knew better than to
want to marry my Daddy, instead I wanted to marry someone like him. The one thing about my Dad that I didn’t like, and didn’t want in my husband, was Daddy’s strictness! I did not want my children to go through what I went through especially in my teens.
Here on the Peninsula my husband and I are known as “the cute couple.” I loved school, especially all the friends I met there. Many of them I met in elementary school when we moved closer to the city of Washington, D.C. and off of the farm. I hung out with these kids during the summers, and at school during the school years. By the time I was in high school I knew
these kids well and they knew me. So knowing my Dad’s rules, I signed up for Concert Choir like a lot of my friends. This is a class in school. However, we had concerts sometimes in the evenings. We had to go to these because they counted towards the final grade. Now I had something to use that my Dad couldn’t get around. He knew that I wanted to go to college and become a teacher. I needed the grade. Now that most kids were allowed to date, and I was being asked out, my Dad would not let me date until I was 18. When I told everyone about my Dad’s rule no one really believed me. It wasn’t until the Senior Prom and I didn’t show that they finally believed me! Here on the Peninsula my husband and I are known as “the cute couple.” That’s what everyone says once they meet us, “You two are so cute!” So, I guess I did
15 marry someone like my Dad. But Ted is much more compassionate than my Dad, and not strict unless necessary. (I’m the strict one!) My parents adored my husband. They liked how he loved me and took care of me. My Dad even said to me before he died that he wasn’t worried about me anymore now that I had Ted to love me. He said to me, “He really loves you, ya know that?” He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. After all, we are “the cute couple!”
Behind every Mom is a basket of dirty laundry.
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Pecans in the Cemetery On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me,one for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!” The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord!” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.” They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Talking Parrot A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a House of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
Marriage is knowing there is nobody you would rather lie in bed with and look at your phone next to you.
vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”
In-Flight Service During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “That’s a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!” Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears. The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”
The Cycle of Life Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach, FL and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and decide to go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the waitresses with the low cut blouses and tight shorts.” “OK.” Ten years later at age 40 they play again. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.” Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.” “OK.” At age 60 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price for seniors.” “OK.” At age 70 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have six handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.” At age 80 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “We’ve never been there before.”
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For the ACTORS of the World — When life is a Stage upon a Stage By Laura ‘La’ Sottile
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE QUORUM? First and foremost, I’ve changed the names to protect the idiots. Ross Valley Players has been changed to Lost Valley Players and Marin County has been changed to Barin County. But, you didn’t hear this from me. I’m auditioning for a play about four middle age women getting together through thick and thin to consume alcohol in order to bond. Call it ‘The Golden Girls are Day Tripping.’ I begin my climb through an enchanting public garden. A 200-year-old Red Barn nestled
in the woods awaits me at the top. Light rain drops quench the gorgeous cherry and apple blossom trees that are snowing all around me. I admire the delicate country arches that hem in a front patio of pink Travertine. Wack! Ouch! My hip banged into the rear view mirror of a Porsche which is an audaciously putrid pea green mistake parked in the middle of the walk way, how gauche. I’m holding on until my pain subsides. The mirror falls off. I’m about to pick it up when I hear hollow laughter from inside one of the appealing cottages. Something just takes over me and I kick the mirror underneath the front tire with my boot. St. Patrick’s Day today-green and more green from the freshly drenched lawn, the Pine and Fir trees envelops me. I continue up the brick stairway and a fountain appears. It’s gleefully regurgitating recycled water and a plopping sound persists. I feel irrigated. I reach the red barn. It stands proud and tragically mute. In the lobby my expectations are swiftly dashed that this was going to be a warm and dry place. I close my umbrella as I sit on an old gray
stained couch and her name is Madge. Oh no, not the couch, even though it is fitting. Madge is the check-in receptionist for the actors. Madge? Madge? Why does that name ring a bell? Oh Madge was a Barbie Doll I had as a child. Barbie’s consort, a brunette with freckles, giddy, gay and always wanted to play. This Madge is a sarge that wears her badge of silence like a champion: Do not speak unless spoken to. She is holding a piece of paper in her hand while glaring at me. I say hello, and she starts up as if her battery recharged. She baits me with the sign up sheet. I step an inch closer and she moves an inch closer. I begin to remove my coat. She freezes. I stop half way and she moves a half inch closer. I move closer and give her my full attention. Voila! Madge is plugged in and going for the home stretch! I sign on. Amazing theatre! Right here in the lobby. An actress pops out of the theatre. She reminds me of a piece of stale bread. She looks and dismisses me simultaneously. She grabs her coat from the stained couch next to me and whips it in
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my face. It stings my cheek. My cheek and my hip begin to have an argument about which wound so far has done the most damage. I decide both equally irksome. The stale bread actress walks towards the lobby doors, she drops her script on the floor. She freezes, she’s stupefied, or embarrassed that her exit was disrupted by gravity. After a few frozen moments she slowly picks up her script and leaves the Red Barn. Wow! What an exit! I’m summoned by Madge. Umph, Umph…I’m struggling to rise, the musty couch has no spring left in it. I build momentum by bouncing. I’m up! Dust puffs up from the cushions. Wow! What an entrance! Madge closes her eyes for 15 seconds, coughs, and waves her hand in front of her face to clear the air, then motions with her head for me to go into the theatre for my audition. “Thanks Sarge, I mean Marge, I mean Madge.” I enter, there are no raised seats. There is a sheer wall about five feet tall. Is it a divider for the orchestra? No! It’s the damn stage! Audiences are predisposed to a neck kink. Well, there are plenty of chiropractors in town. I’m sure of it. It’s dark in here! I barely see the stairs on the left of the stage wall. An old lady appears behind me barely making it up the stairs. I attempt to assist her. She sticks her tongue out at me. I pause, I really take in what just happened. Was she actually trying to trip me up? A giggle deep inside me begins to manifest. It must be my turn to be entertained. I’ve arrived on stage. I made it. I’m here. Where is everybody? I see no one, but I hear a distant
19 rustling. I walk down stage. I walk further down stage. I walk all the way to the edge of the stage and I see a woman. She is below me in the abyss shuffling headshots. Let’s call her the director. The director is staring at me. I’m waiting to get direction to begin my monologue. I hear someone behind me. It’s grumpy granny who finally made it up the stairs just in time to create a commotion behind me on stage. I’m now imagining her to be a permanent fixture. She will have her food and drink delivered, and have a bed provided for her at night when the theatre closes down. My giggle is bubbling up. Finally, the director utters ‘begin.’ I catch an English accent from the director’s one word. I begin my monologue. The director is trying to convey something to me, but she is stuttering. I was taught kindness and patience from my mother, yet, I can feel a resolute reaction from my father which would be swearing about how ridiculous it is to have a director who stutters! I know it’s not politically correct, but have you heard anything logically correct so far? The director spews, “Come on, come on, give me some more! You can do it!” I feel as if I’m hurdling over a wall in an obstacle course. The director calls out, she wants me to look straight at her, “C’mom girl, you can do it, give it to me right here!” I’m the pitcher and she the catcher? The rule in theatre is to look above their heads. My father taught me don’t put up with any bull because it will get you nowhere. Today, I did what I was told because my mother taught me respect. I look straight at the director. But in order for me to do that I have to bend over into a 90 degree angle. My voice box is cut in half and I almost throw up, down, into the wavering abyss. I barely make it to the end of my, once funny monologue. I’m now being instructed through spurts and spats that I’m supposed to read all three parts at
once! Grumpy Granny reads the part of the Yoga teacher? She too is baffled by this request. I begin with three different accents; a southern drawl, an Italian, and a New York accent, while Grumpy Granny pretends a Downward Dog. These three characters begin to get heated! The director tries to stop me when I start adding my own new lines. The New Yorker, who is a little tipsy says, “Will someone please turn the lights on in this place, I can’t hear a thing!” Grumpy Granny takes a step back and snarls at me. My giggle worsens. I try hard to suppress it. But I can’t. This glorious quorum has stolen my decorum! I can’t be stopped! The director finally says, “Thank you.” I’m released. Forget the stairs in the dark! I jump off the stage and I almost cause myself a sprain. No matter, I can decide later if this is my worst injury of the day. I have plenty choices to choose from. Through the lobby I dash! I wave at Madge from my surf board of freedom. I’m riding the wave right into the cleansing rains. I’ve almost made it to the parking lot and The putrid green Porsche is gone. I crunch on the rear view mirror parts spread all over the pretty pink travertine tile. Before getting in my car, I catch a few blossom pedals on my cheek, smooch! The next day, Madge tries to gently breaks the news to me that I was not chosen for a call-back. Then ends her message with, “But, do please come back and audition for us real soon now ya hear!” I, to myself, “Ha ha hah ha hah ha hah hahhh hahaaaaaaaa hahah haha…………….”
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Knock, knock. Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way, through! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Arfur. Arfur who? Arfur got! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Isabell. Isabell who? Is a bell working?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iona. Iona who? Iona new car!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? Your welcome!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go Cows go who? Cows don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alex. Alex who? Alex-plain later!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Knock, knock Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Lots of things you May celebrate this month! Answers on pg 24
Prayer Gardens Kentucky Derby Comic Book Teachers Nurses Laughter Trees World Fair Arbor Preakness Whisky Multiple Sclerosis Earth Mothers Pets
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Watson. Watson who? What’s on tv tonight?
Knock, knock Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cook. Cook who? Hey! Who are you calling cuckoo?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Two knee. Two knee who? Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hoo. Hoo who? Are you a owl?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dish is a nice place!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? I am. I am who? You mean you don’t know who you are?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Althea. Althea who? Althea later alligator!
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Make Me
BACON BROWN SUGAR GARLIC CHICKEN Ingredients: • 2/3 cup brown sugar, packed • 3 tbs garlic, minced • 3/4 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper • 6 boneless and skinless chicken breasts • 12 slices bacon
Directions: 1. Combine brown sugar, garlic, salt & pepper 2. Coat chicken with mixture 3. Wrap each piece of chicken with two slices of bacon
4. Place in baking dish 5. Top with the remaining brown sugar mixture. 6. Cook at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes or browned
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Cali Roots Music All Weekend Long
By Stephanie
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been awaiting this event all year. The 9th annual California Roots Festival is less than a month away. Taking place at the historical Monterey County Fairgrounds where Jimi Hendrix set his guitar on fire, this event started as a simple one day event and has thus evolved into a weekend extravaganza. Bands such as Tribal Seeds and Slightly Stoopid have evolved with the festival. Something interesting about the show is that it features a liveart stage that provides additional visual aids in correspondence with the music. A couple of this year’s featured artists are Greg Noll and Krystal Dyer. This gives fans a chance to take some of the festival home with them. This year the show will feature its usual reggae/funk lineup but in addition has added on some wellknown rappers. Bay area rapper, E-40 will be performing as well as Minnesota’s native Atmosphere. This art and music festival attracts all different types of people from around California and beyond. This year should not be any different. Dan Sheehan, co-producer and talent buyer, states that the Festival
will stay in Monterey due to its great venue and amazing energy. In celebration of the Festival, the folks at Cali Roots are releasing a vinyl record aptly named, California Roots Vol 2, available for pre-order. This exclusive vinyl includes unreleased music from Slightly Stoopid as well as music from the other artists performing this year. Dan Sheehan, Festival co-producer, states, “When we launched the vinyl last year it was such an inspiring project that I was very proud of. Volume 2 keeps our high standard up with stunning unique artwork from Shaun Logan as well as a few exclusive tracks that can only be heard on this compilation.” He adds, “We are committed to releasing vinyl every year to showcase and capture our festival annually. Cali Roots is one of the only festivals with an annual vinyl compilation and we are very proud to keep the spirit of physical music alive and donate to such great organizations at the same time.” This is available to be mailed out or picked up at will call at the show.
I smile because I’m your daughter. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
23
The Sea Kings’ season is over and there will not be a parade through the Trader Joe’s parking lot celebrating the ABA Championship. This may seem like a harsh statement but there were many good things to take away from their season. The first is the Trader Joe’s parking lot won’t be affected and it will be business as usual for people to show off their driving skills. The team had quality players who were high character guys. In this day and age of athletes getting more ink for their off the court mishaps, these guys were squeaky clean and sparkled off the court. Granted, we live in Monterey County where the measurement of the length of the second cut of grass
at Pebble could get a front page headline. These guys were so under the radar that the dailies didn’t even know they were in town. As a matter of fact, the only people who knew were the friends we invited to tailgate and watch the games with the other 83 loyal fans. This was our team and we were proud of them. They put together an exciting winning season, finishing second in the Far West Division behind the San Diego Kings. I could be funny and tell you the story of their playoff game at Watsonville High School that never happened and the team owner apologizing through the Seaside Post to all the fans that showed up. For the few
confused students waiting on the steps of the gym for their parents to pick them up and myself, we accept your apology. The Sea Kings were invited to participate in the ABA playoffs through a two game play-in. In a small town outside Austin, they won their first game and then lost to the Austin Bats in a close game that came down to the final seconds. The Bats eventually played the Jacksonville Giants in the finals and lost. That’s how close the Sea Kings were to winning it all. That’s how sports work. There is such a small margin between teams that one play can make the difference in going home or having a parade.
We would like to be able to tell you their plans for next year but no one is talking. We made several calls to the team owner’s cell phone that went straight to voice mail. The ABA office was more than happy to contribute to this story although they only wanted to talk about the leagues expansion to 150 teams worldwide and their community involvement. We were also informed how easy it is to own a team. Does anyone want to play for the Chuckleheads? Teams are like families. Over the years we have seen the family structure change and even with out of control parents, kids still have a chance to be successful. The players’ focus and voice was heard loud and clear where it counted; on the court and in the win column. Hope to see you guys next year on the court and parading through the Trader Joe’s parking lot.
24
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I have the perfect son. He doesn’t smoke pot or drink alcohol. He never came home from school with a bad grade. I never have to worry about him staying out late and he’s never been in any trouble. He will be six months old next week.
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May 1-6
Robin Hood
The classic story of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor while outwitting the local sheriff. mpctheatre.com
May 5
National Home Brew Day Celebrate the day in Oldtown for the annual Home Brew Fest. Great outdoor beer drinking weather. www.stenbeckrotary.org
May 13
Mother’s Day
We all have one. Celebrate her today and every day.
May 15
Amgen Bike Tour
May 3-6
Ferrari Challenge
This year the car used will be the Ferrari 488 Challenge, the first turbo car created for the one-make series. weathertechraceway.com
May 4
Star Wars Day
May the fourth be with you.
May 7
Chef Duel
May 10
Blackbird
Steinbeck Fest
May 5
Cinco De Mayo
The Mexican Army’s unlikely victory over the French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. The party crossed the border and is here to stay.
Primarily craving cookies, but can consume anything from pie to letters and hubcaps. Helped launch a style singing for head banging bands.
May 25-27
Baby Bump Belly Painting
May 10-26
“The Women of Steinbeck’s World.” A celebration of the women Steinbeck created. Those he knew and those who influenced midcentury American culture. www.steinbeck.org
Cookie Monster’s Birthday
Round three. Get up close and watch the chefs as they work their magic on stage. Your vote counts. www.folktalewinery.com
Artists from Hijos del Sol will create a unique painting on your bump. shop-northridge-mall.com
May 4-6
Demanding world class race’s stage three from King City and finishes at Laguna Seca. amgentourofcalifornia.com
May 25
David Harrower’s controversial drama was a hit in London and won the 2007 Olivier Award for Best New Play. www.pacrep.org
May 12
Stamp Out Hunger Day
The largest one-day food drive in the nation. Carriers collect nonperishable food donations left by mailboxes and in post offices.
Cali Roots
May 17-20
Salinas Valley Fair
The food, the animals, the crafts and entertainment all come together in South County. www.salinasvalleyfair.com
May 18
Laser Spectacular
Featuring the music of Pink Floyd. A night to melt in your seat while your brain drips out of your ears. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
May 18
National Bike to Work Day Get out of your car and on a bike. Our area is flat and the weather is perfect to do this most days of the year.
Summer starts here. A chance to dance and find your inner groove that will last all year. The major music festival of the year. californiarootsfestival.com
May 27
The Gentlemen of Jazz
Lee Durley and Jim Vanderzwaan play sweet jazz with their friends at Embassy Suites this afternoon.
May 28
National Hamburger Day
Our cover says it all. Ambition is over rated and you end up in the grinder of life. Good for us, bad for the cow.
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