Foolish Times June 2019

June 2019

Expanded Event Calendar » Pg. 26 – 27

2 RATED

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

DESTROYS Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com

Previously:

Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart execs bombs-- until a real live T. Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Assuming the dinosaur is part of the presentation, Malcolm D. Monster promises him two million dollars to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire is ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas before moving on to a residential area where Sheriff’s deputies strike out with tear gas. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart. And then local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is the vivacious Sue Foxx of radio station KTOM...

Working at home was more convenient, but Krasse missed his old office environment. Seated at the kitchen table with the radio playing, it was easy to find distractions. He sipped his coffee and debated whether to work on that new ad or read the paper, when the answering machine’s blinking orange light caught his eye. He pushed the playback button for the recorded messages, all of which were left by sales reps from the local papers, radio and TV stations. Each was trying for a piece of the Monster Mart advertising budget.

Obviously the media grapevine had shifted into high gear. He chuckled, then lit a cigarette and smoked while contemplating the ad layout begun the day before. It still didn’t look quite right he thought, when the telephone rang. This time it was Jerry Peterson.

“Lester,” he said. “We need to talk.”

“Yes, tell me,” Krasse interjected, “how’d it go?”

“Mr. Monster called all our directors and regional managers in to see that thing. Then, on comes somebody stumbling around in the phoniest dinosaur get-up I’ve ever seen! Was that you in that ridiculous outfit?”

The ad man’s jaw fell, and his cigarette plopped-Phsshht! into his coffee cup on the table.

“At first we thought it was pretty funny. We kept waiting for the real dinosaur-- The one we saw at your office? But your tape was nothing like that! It was awful!”

Krasse suddenly felt quite nauseous. His mind went totally blank.

“No way some dork in a hokey rubber suit is gonna represent Monster Mart! So if that’s all you have to offer, we’ve got a serious problem.”

“Um, um-- listen, Jerry,” Krasse finally stammered, “I’ve got a client here now. I’ll have to call you back.”

“Remember what Mr. Monster said, Lester: ‘it’s that dinosaur or nothing!’ He meant the creature we saw during your presentation. When you get your real dinosaur together and are ready to shoot those commercials with Mr. Monster, you call us. Not before, understand?”

“Yeah, I gotcha,” Krasse managed to croak. “I’ll be in touch.” #7-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

Episode 7

"Ad Nauseam" “You do that!” Peterson admonished and hung up.

Krasse sighed and reached for his coffee. It tasted awful. RRrggh!-- he gagged. And-- Ullkkr! RRRLLGHH!-- threw up in the kitchen sink.

Slumping back into his chair, he realized his artwork was spattered with coffee and cigarette ash. Angrilly he crumpled up the ruined layout, threw it in the trash, and turned to the morning paper.

“CRAZED BEHEMOTH LEVELS CITY” screamed the headlines. And while a melancholy country tune twanged on the radio, he read over the account of the dinosaur’s attack: “A Tyrannosaurus Rex under the control of an unidentified teenager, attacked and laid to waste to much of the Oldtown district of downtown Salinas. National Guard troops were rushed in to repel the monster.

“Damage to the city is estimated at $4.7 million and much of that caused by attempts at shooting down the monster. Already mothers of children traumatized by the nightmarish event have organized themselves into M.A.D.A.M.E. (Mothers Against Dinosaurs And Monsters Everywhere), and along with the Oldtown Merchants Association are demanding the beast be destroyed.”

Krasse crumpled up the paper in disgust. Rats, he thought. I’m dead in the water without that dinosaur.

The music ended and Tommy Kaye came on to update

the situation. Krasse turned up the volume.

“As reported earlier, the Tyrannosaurus Rex which pursued an unidentified young man through downtown Salinas, damaging three-and-a-half city blocks in the process, was finally subdued by a squadron of fighter planes under the ground command of General Creighton S. Blunt. Air-to-ground missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts were used to immobilize the beast.

“Still firmly clutching that unidentified teenager, the unconscious monster has been moved to the exercise yard at the County Jail until authorities can determine how to dispose of the creature. I’m with Sheriff ‘Bud’ Naylor right now. Tell us, Sheriff, what’s it like with a T. Rex in the slammer?”

“It’s a royal pain in the butt,” Naylor grumbled. “First, we had to clear our exercise area to accommodate the monster. Our jail’s overcrowded as it is. And I don’t have the deputies to handle anything like this.

It’s gonna cost taxpayers plenty.”

“Thank you, Sheriff. Seems like incarcerating this dinosaur may mean a monster tax bill. And now more and more citizens groups are calling for extermination of the creature. This special report on KTOM has been brought to you by your local Croaker Cola bottler...”

Next issue:

Episode 8 Godzelda

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

3

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Intern Fool...........................Cynthia P.

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks June is here and hopefully it brings more sun than the gloom we’ve endured in May. This has to happen for two reasons: The US Open Golf Championship and I need to get out on a muni course. Every time I feel the urge to play, it rains. Maybe it’s God’s way of protecting me from further embarrassment. For anyone who doesn’t know, golf is an addiction. I’ve played this game of, ‘heads I play golf, tails I go to work.’ It usually takes several tries but heads always prevails.

When I finish a round and as I’m walking off the course, I think of ways I’m going to do better next time. Usually when I’m defeated, I don’t go back for more punishment but golf is different. Golf is flog spelled backwards. Out of all the times I swing a club during a round, a few of the shots go where I aim. This keeps me coming back for more. I don’t worry about how expensive golf balls are; I don’t hit far enough to lose any.

I’ve had two holes in one and missed other opportunities by several strokes. This doesn’t mean I’m good and I’m glad I’m not a professional golfer.

They never look like they’re having fun. What is so great about a round of three under par when they have the look of constipation? My goal is to get my money’s worth and hit the ball more than anyone. I get more tired adding up my score than carrying my clubs.

Tiger and I should play a round together while he’s in town. I would be a great golf partner because I have no chance of beating him. He is coming off a come from behind victory at the Masters and with his history of playing well at Pebble, is one of the favorites to win the US Open. The only way he would ever be behind me is if there was only one stall in the bathroom and I beat him there.

Without a doubt, he is one of the best golfers to ever play the game. The difference between him and us muni players is beer. How well would Tiger play if he drank as much beer on the courses as we do? How well would we play if we didn’t? Could you image Tiger walking down the fairway with a beer in his hand? I know that feeling and it is great.

When he hits a bad shot you can see the pain on his face. When I hit a bad shot, I’m just happy to find my ball. The man takes the game too seriously and at the very least, he should pretend like he’s enjoying himself. He has that awful look of going to the dentist. Good advice from those of us who know: pop open a beer between shots and may the ‘fours’ be with you Tiger.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

Foolish Times • P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net

4 Presenting Sponsor & Official After Party Host The Jade Lounge would like to invite you to

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5

LATE NIGHT

BREAKFAST

WINE

Denny’s

First Awakenings

Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge.

Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

FAST FOOD

...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ITALIAN

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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6

Crank Calling Strategies

By Jay Russell The art of the crank call lost all style with the invention of the cellular phone. Now people carry around a pocket computer cancer creator and only have the patience for text messages.

When a phone actually rings (as phones will), an air of disgust and modern first world lament sweeps over the phone holder.

Calls from unknown numbers used to hold excitement, and before that, all calls chimed in through your Garfield or Batman phone mysteriously without any forewarning. Blame it on caller ID maybe. Today an unknown number undoubtedly comes by way of Vegas Hotels, political campaigns in foreign languages and if you are lucky enough for real excitement, Russian blackmailers. What happened to the Arnold Schwarzenegger sound boards advising you to “get to the chopper” and bartenders relaying to the entire bar “has anyone seen Mike Roch?” Those days can be revived though, fight for what matters.

Here are some ideas to revamp the telecom thrill in your life.

Press *86 to block the number of your call if you prank from a landline at grandma's or work.

Try calling florists shops, they will write out whatever dirty little note you want to accompany your bouquet. An experienced insight: ask them to draw stuff too, try to be descriptive with how you want your anatomy drawn out, may it be “smelly, discolored, sickly or humongous.” Anything will do, florist live for that stuff. Don't deprive them of humor, dictate a really freaky situation. Warning: you may have to inform them that you are messing around, because those folks will write

anything without batting an eye.

Heck, their good sporting nature may actually lead you to buy some peonies to accompany that graphic note of 50 shades.

Calls from unknown numbers used to hold excitement.

Did you know that your recycling bin lists a phone number? Unfortunately you'll probably be put on hold and asked to enter in your secret agent code 007 or 006, your social, and date of birth, but hang in there. Do it for that beautiful soul working in the front office of a recycling conglomerate, it will make their day. Unpredictable repercussions may arise when asking if you should put femurs and teeth in the green bin, but the ensuing police investigation will be well worth the public taxes sponsoring it. With a 5 cent CRV per can on a 12 pack, by now you certainly have paid for a prank investigation or two.

Such a serious society we live in, ain't it? One could study the Jerky Boy's CDs and their film to get some good ide'ers or that Comedy Central show Crank Yankers, as well. Live a little, live a lot, live from your couch impersonating Officer Barbrady or Chief Wiggum. Crank call a cell phone super power to ask them about telegram services.

Some of these customer service employees cannot hang up first, so work on your extended comedy routine. The possibilities abound, power up that car phone, drive to a state that allows calling while driving, and crank away.

A guy on vacation here in Monterey finishes his round at Monterey Pines and enters the clubhouse.

The head pro asked, “Did you have a good time out there?”

The man replied “I had a great time a nd played pretty well, thank you.”

“That’s fantastic,” said the pro.

“How did you find the greens?”

“Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”

Tony and Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted but their hospitality, humor and low handicap.

7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion

Everybody gets it that you’re courageous enough to hold the sky! Rumor has it, it’s a bit fatiguing. Question is were you on a scenic drive or witness to a murder, or was that a mutter?

What side of the story are you on West side or East? I guess in this case what matters is what you are willing to utter.

“Here Ye! Here Ye! A great crowd of courtiers and servants are intoxicated from your exuberant gooblie goo-ie-ness. They respond with buffoonery hoping to engage and gain your approval. When you are a pet all the way from your first Kingy pooh to your last Queenie day.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull

Dependable from your first pirouette until your last dying day! Which is thicker your head or that accent you put on situations that don’t directly affect you. Let the heads twirl where they may and carefully surmise what it is that you really want! Then Go-Go! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins

Psst! Gem-Mambo...You are the Top Cat in town so let’s get crackin’ by dressing up sweet and sharp. Life is only a dance! Best to see LIFE as de big picture, udder- wise your scurrying knee deep in the Poopla! Hows ‘bout some lousy goat cheese & soda pop for your birthday?!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab

Honest Ernest Hemingway, a Cancer just like you was loyal as a door in your face. You gotta love that kind of trueness. You may call upon your war/love council for this next chapter. Because you’re drifting diagonally towards a steamboat that you can get on or get lost!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin

Your sublime conscientiousness has extended the longest day of the year into an all day sucker.

Your painstaking big decision has blocked the night and left some of us more rumpus bumpus fools searching for the morning star to guide us someday, somewhere, somehow to tomorrow!

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales

Beat the crud out a dem! How charming waving rocks, belts, bricks, blades & guns to claim your side of the street. Perhaps, finding a new way of living, a new way of forgiving all those ruckus out of balance fools may be just the bullet to bite. Call it a work in progress. Now beat it!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer

Make it not be true that blowing your nose on your sleeve is an optimistic option for you. I know you’ve stuck to your own kind... of manner, your signature sway, your right-of-way and all a fair fight. You’ve made it thus far without losing your shirt, so stop sniveling ‘cause you’re the boss, just an arm’s length away.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat

There’s a Rumble! And it’s not in your stomach. You’ve got a rocket in your pocket ready to bust like a hot water pipe! Steady now, steadiness is your strength...

Unwind, easy does it, play it cool.

Accepting your limitations keeps you well protected. Tap into that good deep inside you and Pow Pow out of danger.

intermission to high definition.

Switch to whistling cues when you’re on the outside and remember the simple rule: Keep off the grass.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes

M-a-r-i-a, Maria say it softly and it’s almost like praying...or is it Mariah? Either way society will always be plagued with decisions such as these. Your special business is compassion, but for now minus the “com”. You need to amp it up-kick it, stick it, drop it, f*ck it! How wonderful a sound can be. Listen if Chino can shop @ Chico’s, you can certainly own your hour of power and make your imagination reel!

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier

You planted yourself on the other team’s turf, so be it! Even just a word can do that. Snap, snap out of it. You are in an advanced state of shock! Use the back door just this once, consider it an

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion

Who knows...something’s coming...something good, just by holding still you can touch your excitement. Keep your hands visible though, you’re in public view. Romeo & Juliet, Tony & Maria eventually evolved into the party of Bob, Carol, Ted, & Alice, no doubt there is a place for all of us.

Things to do on Father’s Day: Knock on his door and say, “Hi, we’ve never met before.”

8

75th Anniversary

The Seaside Chamber of Commerce welcomes the community to join them to celebrate their new broadcast television station

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?

The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an allblonde skydiving team?

A new version of the Lawn Dart game.

What does ‘XXX’ stand for?

Blondes co-signing a note.

Why did they stop doing the ‘wave’ at USC? Too many blondes were drowning.

Life is not a fairytale.

If you lose your shoes at midnight, you are drunk.

Why do blonds drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.

Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?

They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

What happened when the blonde got into the cab?

The driver kept the “vacant” sign up.

A cop was watching a blonde swerving from right to left while driving down Lighhouse Ave. He pulled her over and said “Ma’am, what were you doing?”

She replies, “Thank God you’re here, Officer! While I was driving, all of the sudden this tree appeared in front of me, so I swerved to get around it. Then another tree appeared in front of me, so I went around that one too.

Then another.”

The cop replied, “Ma’am, that was just your air freshener.”

www.KMBYTV.com Join us on the dates and times listed below and be prepared to be on television Tuesday, June 11th 7-11am Wednesday, June 12th 7-11am Thursday, June 13th 7-11am Saturday, June 15th 7-11am Tuesday, June 18th 7-11am Wednesday, June 19th 7-11am Thursday, June 20th 7-11am Saturday, June 22nd 7-11am Tuesday, June 25th 7-11am Wednesday, June 26th 7-11am Thursday, June 27th 7-11am Saturday, June 29th 7-11am

Seaside Chamber of Commerce 505 Broadway Ave., Seaside • (831) 394-6501 www.SeasideChamberOfCommerce.org

I Am Sick of This!

By Jann Gargiulo I always got sick! For real. I had Rheumatic Fever when I was around five years old. I don’t remember most of it because of my high fever. The one thing I remember was my head in my mom’s lap and her putting rags of ice water all over me. I also remember her calling to the other children to bring more ice. She must have had the iceman deliver extra all that week. Yes, we had a real icebox. For those of you who don’t know what that is, Google it!

Since that fever happened I can’t stand the heat nor the cold. That’s why I moved to the Monterey Peninsula. Because the temperature didn’t get too hot or too cold here.

Well, that’s the way it was

We rented a house for 10 years in a delightful area near Washington Park and took walks all the time. about 30 years ago when we first moved here. It’s different now. That was before “Global Warming.” (Yes, Mr. Prez, there is global warming.)

When we lived in the Washington D.C. area I was sick all the time it seemed. One day, when I went to the doc’s, she was so tired of seeing me sick that she told us that we needed to move. She said that we should live on the Monterey Peninsula, in California. When my husband saw she was serious he asked me what I thought. I said, Let’s go!”

It was so beautiful when we

first moved here! We lived in Pacific Grove for the first 11 years.

One year in a lovely apartment (but only one bedroom). Then we rented a house for 10 years in a delightful area near Washington Park and took walks all the time!

We had wonderful neighbors. It was almost perfect! Except it wasn’t ours, even if we treated like it was!

Then we moved to Seaside to see if we would like it here. We do! It’s close to everything.

Shops, entertainment, the Fairgrounds, etc. Something I miss is the trees. I love the forests and trees! My husband grew up in Brooklyn, New York. He’s not used to them anyway; doesn’t bother him. What he likes is knowing that we own our own home! No mortgage, we own it!

I guess I’m happy about that, too. It’s just that when a pipe leaks, or the hot water heater isn’t hot, or the heater stops working, you have to fix it yourself or worse, call someone else to fix it! $$$ But, the absolute WORSE part

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

of our moving here is that our living in that house in Pacific Grove made me really sick! I wanted to believe the doctor who sent us here when she said that this is where I would do better. But I just seemed to get worse! It wasn’t until we were ready to relocate that we found out why. There was black mold under the house! The workmen said it was 12 to 15 inches deep. No wonder I was so sick!

The doctor said that this caused me to have COPD. He performed surgery removing several black mold spurs from my lungs. He had them tested while he waited. Then he was finished.

9 When I recovered from the surgery he told us that the molds were no longer alive so that was a good thing. But, I needed to be treated for COPD for the rest of my life. Then he began to tell me all the things I could no longer do, and the new exercises I was to learn and put into practice daily.

Not the kind that would help one loose weight or slim down. The only improvement I would notice would be that I could breath better. My life hasn’t been the same since.

So, if you are a renter about to get a place where there are a lot of trees, be sure you check for that thick, black mold under the house before you rent. All those landlords stick together. Check for yourself. Know what you’re walking in to. I wish I had.

10

By Ted Gargiulo

Origins of Humor

Adults might have described me as “plump.” But to my classmates in elementary school, I was just plain FAT. That’s when it started: the feelings of inadequacy, the fear that I might never measure up to society’s expectations.

Back in the day, the F-word was “FATSO,” and kids delighted in hurling it at me, especially when they saw how riled I became. “Learn to laugh!” my mom used to tell me. “If you didn’t get so angry, they’d stop teasing you.” She was right, of course. But I wouldn’t hear of it. Laugh??? I was far too sensitive back then, too full of noble indignation to laugh at myself. Pity, I didn’t come to my senses sooner.

It didn’t help matters that I was clueless about sports: couldn’t climb a rope, couldn’t pitch, couldn’t catch, couldn’t run fast, didn’t know second base from a hole in my crotch. When it came to Phys Ed, the other kids were the ones who had no sense of humor. For them, everything centered around being fast, being tough, being the best, and they could not abide a screw-up on their squad or team. If someone was clumsy, overweight or unable

to compete, other assets didn’t matter. And this poor humorless schlep took their rejection to heart.

By high school, I’d grown eight inches and shed most of the fat I’d been carrying. I also began to excel in non-athletic endeavors, like drama and creative writing. My classmates respected me now and persuaded me that I’d found my calling! And this former Fatso let their praises go to his head.

If someone was clumsy, overweight or unable to compete, other assets didn’t matter.

Not surprisingly, the conceit failed to sustain me in the years that followed, as I discovered I had neither the stomach nor the patience to pursue an acting career. My literary aspirations suffered similar disillusionment. Eventually I quit listening to all that popular claptrap about following my vision—I wasn’t sure anymore I even HAD one—and settled back into the dreamless blue

Thanks for making it so easy to get you a Father’s Day gift due to your psychotic love of golf.

collar doldrums I’d been trying to escape.

Then one day, I chanced upon the future Mrs. Ted, and everything changed. The lady was genuine, incredibly kind, and utterly devoted to me. In her, I found unqualified acceptance— something I’d never known before—and the freedom to be my complete, unmodified self.

Consider the years a person wastes impressing strangers, letting them define his goals, dictate his standards, stigmatize his failings—constantly trying to fit in where he doesn’t belong. People once laughed at me because I was chubby and easily wounded. Since then, life has

toughened me up and opened my jaundiced eye to a world I once took too seriously. After what I’ve seen of this humiliating puppet show, I’m the one who’s laughing!

In recent years, the weight I lost in my youth has returned with a vengeance. I’ve gone beyond “pleasingly plump” and “predominantly portly,” to “ludicrously large.” Instead of becoming all touchy about it, like the oversensitive Fatso of yester-life, I now brandish my doublewide gut shamelessly, and whack out Babaloo with gusto and comic abandon. It’s my way of declaring to this foppish, self-absorbed society: Hey, I’ve worked hard, paid my dues and taken my lumps; I like myself, my wife adores me…and I don’t give a rat’s doo-doo hole what you think about me!

I was at CHOMP to visit a friend. A technician followed me onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

Making small talk I said, “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” “So would I,” replied the technician. “It´s a floor-cleaning machine.”

Performing Takes a Toll

by Tony Albano

I think it was 1976 when I went with my friend, Ed, to see one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Eric Anderson, perform at a little nightclub. Anderson was a contemporary of Bob Dylan and Phil Ochs and a whole host of other great performers who came out of the 60s and early 70s singer/songwriter movement.

He was never world famous or a household name, but he did have a strong following. One of my favorite songs of his was called “Thirsty Boots,” written to his friend Phil Ochs.

So Ed and I went to this nightclub where I was very

familiar with the layout because I also had performed there. I was thinking that after the show, I said to Ed, “Wouldn’t it be great to go backstage and tell him what a great job he did and how much we admire him after all these years?” This was especially because he had dedicated “Thirsty Boots” to Phil Ochs, who had just passed away.

Ed didn’t think it was a very good idea, but I had a couple of drinks in me, and I pushed: “I want to go meet him. He needs to hear that people still love him, you know, especially because he’s past his heyday.”

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11 Anderson was probably 35 at the time, maybe even a little older, but he still looked great.

Even though Ed didn’t want to, I was hell-bent on going backstage to meet him. I knew that all that separated the audience from the backstage were some little shuttered saloon-style swinging doors. You just push them in and you were there. I told Ed I knew how to get backstage very easily.

He was hesitant.

After the show, I said, “Watch this. Follow me.” And he did. We went backstage and the minute we did, Eric Anderson was there.

But before I could say anything, he held up his hand and said, “Oh, could you just give me a couple of minutes to myself?”

I knew that all that separated the audience from the backstage were some little shuttered saloon-style swinging doors.

I thought wow, that wasn’t a good reception at all. Ed said, “I told you I didn’t think it was a good idea.” So we went back out to the bar. I felt a little dejected by being put off, and with every drink I downed, I was getting more annoyed. Who the hell did he think he was? He wasn’t Bob Dylan. I just wanted to give him a compliment. Ed kept reminding me it had never been a good idea.

That didn’t help my mood. He never came out.

We left that night and I was more than a little pissed off at Eric Anderson. Fast forward 20 years, I had my own little local radio talk show. At the time, I didn’t have any guest host, so I used to do the whole hour by myself — all 60 minutes including the commercials; talking the whole time. And I have to say that after that hour, I was physically

and emotionally drained.

One day, I was doing my radio talk show, and just as I was about to sign off, I saw through the studio window that there was this girl waving at me, all excited.

When I signed off, I came out, and this girl started telling me, “I heard you on the radio. I just had to speak to you.”

I held up my hand, I said, “Could you just give me a moment?” Then I went into the back room and hid there long enough so that I realized, “Oh, my God. This is how Eric Anderson felt that day I walked in on him.”

I got myself composed and went out to the lobby and I spoke to the very lovely young lady. I also admit that I was flattered by what she had to say to me. More important, I finally knew how Eric Anderson had felt. For now I was his age, and here was this young lady, a fan who was as old as I was then, and she had no idea how performing can physically, mentally and emotionally exhaust you. It was a great eye-opener and reminder of my experience with Eric Anderson so many years earlier.

That day, I learned how to respect people’s boundaries.

From the Book, Life is a Bumpy Road--smoothed out by the people and the dogs you meet along the way. Can be purchased on Amazon and at Books & Sounds in Oldtown Salinas

Travel becomes a strategy for accumulating photographs.

12

He with the Most Poise Wins

By Robyn Justo The other day I was browsing (wasting time) on the internet and something caught my eye. It was a letter to an advice columnist written by a 60-year old gal who said, “My life is a failure.”

It didn’t take long until my insides tightened up. Truth is in the reflection and I was feeling some familiarity as I read on.

She felt she had made some “bad” decisions about relationships, had no money in the bank, and so on.

I noticed that the whining wasn’t about anything like a death in the family or a serious illness. It was just that this woman didn’t meet her own expectations.

I used to be that person. One only stops whining and making

everyone else miserable (and loses all of her friends…ok I kept the real ones) when she gets tired of hearing herself. It’s cathartic. I thought I should be in a relationship or married, have a kid or two, and a myriad of other requirements that I (or someone) told myself that I needed to be or do in order to qualify as successful in this brief interlude I was spending on Planet Earth.

(Insert pouty face.)

So were my short relationships failures, especially when some of my partners turned out to be my very best friends after we ended things? And did I need to be involved with someone and make it work when I was more

miserable with him than without him?

We arrive here with a big WAH. I sometimes wonder if it’s because none of us are really happy to be squished in a little tiny body after being pushed out of a very comfy place. Do other mammals scream when being born? Don’t think so. I also wonder if people in third world countries ruminate about being a failure. I think not when the major concern is getting enough to eat.

It’s also devastatingly sad when celebrities who, from the outside looking in, are strikingly successful and yet they suddenly off themselves.

If we make someone else’s life a bit brighter or easier, maybe then it’s a successful day and even a successful life.

Maybe it’s enough that we showed up here. Maybe there is no failure but just a slew of experiences that occur with or without our consent. Perhaps if we humbly remembered that we arrive in the middle of eternity and will soon be forgotten unless we are a really, really illumined human (think Jesus, Gandhi or Mother Teresa) or a really, really nasty one (think Atilla the Hun, Hitler, Trump) we might be able to exhale and not be so hard on ourselves since few will know that we ever existed at all.

Maybe it’s enough to be nice and love our neighbors. This isn’t always easy because some humans are not easy to be nice to and have endless expectations of us and aren’t nice back. It might be easier with strangers, oddly enough. Maybe it’s enough to simply try, and give up the parking space to the other one who wants it or hold the

door open at the post office for someone even if it means you end up behind them in line.

Speaking of, how about improving our wait state? How about chatting to those around us who are also waiting and don’t want to be there in the crowds or the traffic either and pass the time with a smile or a giggle instead of huffing and puffing which only blows the house down.

I was at Safeway the other day and passed a man in the produce department. I was not trolling (I’m over that) nor did I have an agenda, but I smiled. A few minutes later he walked by me and thanked me for smiling.

Really? Something so simple? We all need it. If we make someone else’s life a bit brighter or easier, maybe then it’s a successful day and even a successful life.

(Permission to exhale here.)

They say that when we die that we have a life review. I know I don’t want to be in the back row, cringing as I watch that movie, but I know I will in parts. With age and impending mortality comes introspection and retrospection, or at least that would make sense.

All I did today was go to the laundromat, go grocery shopping, have lunch, cruise and peruse the net while I popped pistachios, and started this article. Does that make me a failure? I was nice out there in the world or at least I tried to be.

The most profound advice I have heard in a long time was something I read on a little card recently. “Live the way you want to be remembered.” Hmmm.

Make someone laugh and don’t let the door slam in someone’s face as you fight to get ahead of them.

Love one another. Be nice.

Remember to exhale. Plain and simple. He with the most poise wins.

13

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According to the City of Monterey’s website, the Lower Presidio Historic Park is the most historic site on the West Coast. It once was home to Native American villages, Spanish, Mexican and American forts and where the only land-sea battle ever on the West Coast was waged. That’s a lot of history in a few words. It’s also the Dr. Pepper of local historic parks; so misunderstood. The Lower Presidio Historic Park is one of the least-visited historic parks in the area due to some confusion about whether the public is allowed in the area. Yes my foolish readers, the park is free. It is situated in a ‘hidden in plain sight’ location above Pacific Street at the Lighthouse Curve in Downtown Monterey. The park features spectacular views of the Monterey Bay and Harbor and is a jewel of the City of Monterey’s park system.

On Saturday June 22, you are invited to attend ‘Picnic in the Park.’ What better way to familiarize yourself with this 25 acre site. So what will be happening?

There will be live music, dance troupes, a scavenger hunt along

with Argentinian Privateer Hippolyte Bouchard (regarded by his victims as a pirate) and his loyal crew will reenact the 1818 capture of the Presidio of Monterey (El Castillo). Kids and adults are welcome to dress as pirates and be part of the reenactment. Bring your camera!

Local historian and all around nice guy Tim Thomas will be leading historic walking tours throughout the day. You can also walk the trails yourself and see the interpretive historic signs and trails. Also marvel at the restored Saint Serra statue, cannons and Sloat Monument Visit the Presidio of Monterey Museum, also located on the site.

This is an excellent place to view exhibits, artifacts, and videos that lead you through Monterey’s various stages of military development from the indigenous period which highlights the area’s native populations; through the Spanish and Mexican periods; and up to present day.

If you don’t want to pack in your own food, there will be plenty of hamburgers, hot dogs and sweet treats for sale. It wouldn’t be a picnic without beer and wine from local sources.

Come out with your friends and family to celebrate the rich history that shaped our state and nation in a place called home. www.oldmontereyfoundation.org.

14

Sucks to be YOU!

M OV I E S :

. ..

E L Z Z A D X F " A L IL Z D O L a te s t " G

By Dana B. Larrabee

But Original's "R ub be r Su it" M on st er s

INSPIR

Parking in Baja

ED!

When Elliot Ruchowitz-

‘19

Roberts first reviewed my Godzelda manuscript, he didn’t understand the “rubber suit” scene.

It’s where adman Lester Krasse fakes the T. Rex for CEO Malcolm D. Monster’s Monster Mart commercials by donning KAKA TV’s well-worn rubber dinosaur costume, sweltering inside while the director orders take after take.

Had to explain it was an homage of sorts to the imaginative (often unintentionally funny!) low budget effects of the first Godzilla movies produced decades before CGI technology revolutionized special effects-- as in the new “Godzilla, King of the Monsters” now in theaters.

American audiences first saw Godzilla raze Tokyo with radioactive bad-breath back in 1956, although the franchise actually began two years earlier when Japan’s Toho Company released it as Gojira. Time consuming and costly stop-motion animation à la Ray Harryhausen was eschewed in favor of suit-mation; actors lumbering about in heavy latex foam Godzilla outfits filmed in slow motion.

Fans often derided the “rubber-suit” monsters and cheesy effects. And since Krasse’s scene appeared apart from that context, only Godzilla and old-school monster movie fans might get the oblique reference. So, I tightened up that chapter and added new information to help propel the narrative forward to warrant inclusion.

Cheesy effects or no, you can’t argue with $ucce$$, and Toho kept pitting Godzilla against more rubber-suit foes; Mecha-Godzilla, The Thing (which

turned out to be Mothra), Rodan, Gigan, Megalon-- and back in 1962, King Kong!

Forty films in 55 years! The most recent, 2018’s “Godzilla, the Planet Eater” ended where after defeating MUTO, Godzilla collapses by San Francisco bay before wading out to sea. But you can’t keep a great monster down, especially when movie franchises are such great summer box office!

And the new “Godzilla, King of the Monsters” delivers plenty of explosive action and knockout CGI effects continuing the new Warner Brothers - Legendary’s “Monster-verse” series. Godzilla’s campy “rubber-suit” days are over-- except when the old films are resurrected on TV.

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DE TA IL S

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LA U G H O U T - LO U D ISSUE!

By Bini

15

STELLLLLLAAAAAAAA!

WOW! Do you hear him Tom yelling for me! Who does he think I am? Old Yeller! This is a dog’s life? Really! I can’t even have two minutes to chat it up or bury bones or do licking of sorts, hoarding lost objects! He got me a job! Now I have to dress for success! At least you can roam free and do as you please!

I saw you from the den window licking that ice cream right out of the carton during my therapy session…

emotional support hose. I had to get into this tube and the velcro gave me a rash! Wow, I really miss the good old days where I didn’t even need to think about emptiness, stress or even Zoloft.

I’ve lost my center Tom, I can’t…

STELLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!

Guess I better get going before he poops a blood vessel.

See ya Tom. Do some trash can raiding for me…

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AUDIBLES

16

By Charles Birimisa

Q: When should you buy a bird?

A: When it’s going cheep!

Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn.

If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

A: Roosters don’t lay eggs!

Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?

A: It broke the law of gravity!

Q: What do you call a chicken in the 1960s?

A: A funky chicken.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame bird?

A: The tame way, unique up on it!

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

A: With its sparrowchute.

Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

In the 1981 film “My Dinner with Andre,” Andre is telling his friend, “... It’s been a day of coincidences, but that’s not unusual, that the surrealists would have been interested in Alice and I did a play of Alice. So I opened to another page, and there were four handprints. One was Andre Breton, another was Andre Derain, and a third was ...it’s not Malraux, and the fourth was Antoine de Saint-Exupery ...

So I thought this is incredible you know. And I looked back to see when the issue came out, and it came out on newsstands May 12, 1934, and I was born during the day May 11, 1934.”

Later during the dinner Wally finally responds to Andre: “I mean, you seem constantly to be finding significance in these things that to me are just facts. I mean you found the handprints in the book, and there were three Andres and one Antoine de Saint-Exupery (a play which Andre wanted to do). And to me that is a coincidence... But to you it was significant, as if the book had been written 40 years ago so that you would see it — as if it was planned for you in a way...”

Last week I experienced a coincidental incident similar to the one told in “My Dinner with Andre.” Yes, like Wally asserted, the coincidences were significant to me. Yet, there was no manipulation in creating them.

Unbelievable, is the only way I can describe it. I enjoy perusing old newspapers at the Santa Cruz Main Library. I am now in the year 1986 of the San Francisco Chronicle, that began with the year 1970.

To set this up, a week before

I had read “It’s 50-50 He’ll Ever Play Again,” about San Francisco 49ers quarterback Joe Montana’s back surgery at the beginning of the 1986 season. Subsequent articles showcased the concern about Montana’s future and triggered memories of that time and the entire hullabaloo about it.

On April 3rd, 2019, I began my half hour library lunchtime perusal of the Chronicle. The first coincidence happened when an advertisement came upon the screen “Meet Debbie Reynolds at our Leslie Fay Petites Fashion Show. Thursday, October 2, 12 Noon, Downtown San Francisco.” Earlier that week a co-worker said she had watched an interesting Debbie Reynolds movie that weekend. Perusing on I came upon a book review by Patricia Holt of Joe Montana’s autobiography “Audibles,” which she describes the star quarterback as “whiney.”

Reading this I cracked up audibly right there in the library.

It was funny, and I made a copy of the article. Next, I made a copy of the news story detailing then CBS news anchor Dan Rather’s beating on a Manhattan street where the attacker peppered him with the question, “What’s the frequency Kenneth.” I’m sorry to admit this also prompted a cackle, and I feel wrong laughing about a man being beaten, but I did.

It became time to go back to work. I paid for the prints and as usual I stopped to peruse the used discarded books for sale at the inside entrance of the library — hardbacks, $1; paperbacks, 50 cents. I looked at the same racks I did the day before, and today

a book was there that wasn’t the day before — Audibles. Stunned, I reacted again, audibly, with joy.

Quick I pulled the book from the shelf, put a dollar in the coffee can and walked back to my workplace.

Back at my cubicle I sat in happy disbelief asking, “I wonder if the book is autographed too?” Initially flipping through it I missed it. Then, “To JP, all the best. Joe Montana.” It was becoming surreal. Minutes later I looked at the Dan Rather article and read that at the time of the attack he was 54 years old, my age now. Then it came back.

Earlier, as I walked out of the library I felt someone walking close behind me and turned around. A lady said “I’m following you,” and she walked by. At least she didn’t beat me up. Then I flipped through Audibles again and noticed a page was folded at the corner by the previous reader, usually to let them know where they left off. Guess what page it was folded? Page 54. For so many coincidences to take place in less than an hour is astounding. As if some higher power decided to mess with me, but in a good way. The rest of the day I spent in stunned, head- shaking good spirits. Unbelievable.

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money

17

1) Who taught you to drive? Did you pass the first time?

2) What job would you want at Disneyland?

3) On a scale from 1 to 10, rate me as an interviewer.

Bob #1 1) I took Drivers Ed in high school, I’m the reason for the brake peddle on the passenger side of the car. It took two times to pass the test. I had to learn to slow down.

2) I would want to be the guy who counts the money. That would be more than a full time job.

3) Being you’re right here asking, I give you a 10. If it was an emailed question you would get a 3.

Robert 1) My dad took me out in his Oldsmobile. It didn’t matter what I hit, this car was solid.

Of course I passed the first time. I’m a great driver.

It’s everyone else who drives poorly.

2) I would want Walt’s Job. When he was alive that is.

3) I think you’re a nice guy. Just kidding, you’re an idiot. Is there a zero?

Roberta 1) My mother was the one who tried to teach me. I had too much anxiety to drive. She had too much to drink. I waited until I was an adult to take the test and passed with flying colors.

2) I always wanted to be Cinderella. Riding on a float in the parade at the park would be fun.

3) I think you do a great job with your ability to ask questions. I give you a 10 but only a 4 for the wardrobe. Find a woman who will take you shopping.

Bob #2 1) I learned to drive on the bumper cars at the boardwalk. The scrapes and smashes on my car show all the history. I had no problem passing the test.

2) I would like to be Bugs Bunny. He is the coolest character. He’s not Disney? Then Disney needs to go get him. Is it like sports where they can trade?

3) You’re one of the nicest people I know. I wish I knew more people. I give you a 10 plus.

18

By Daria James

Impossible Comes True, It’s Taking Over You I am starting with the woman in the selfie is a modern man in the mirror. For one, it is a woman not a man and, two, these are selfie times. If we want to be nongender specific, we can change it to the person in the selfie. We are still looking at ourselves, looking back at us, which is the point here.

I only have two social media platforms, ok three, but I forgot the password for the latter. They cover my basic exposure-to-theworld needs. One I have solely to promote the work I do for the column here and the paper (share the love, people) and the other is to show off my food and drinks prior to being consumed. I also have many dog pictures, some sceneries and random activities I engage in. Every once in a while, I will share a funny picture that may relate to a familiar situation I have experienced.

What I refuse to do is share pictures that berate others — the obese person falling when a earthquake happens, the not so good-looking fella looking for a girlfriend, the unsexy dancer and so on. These photos and videos are “funny” at someone else’s expense and they shine a light on the insecurities the person sharing it might have, not to mention the lack of humanity on their behalf.

When we share images we are putting our seal of approval on them. You support a candidate, you agree Beyoncé is Queen B. You want people to know you agree with their views with a

shallow like. I am careful with my likes. Everything we put out there will come back to us, like a virtual boomerang.We throw it far away and turn around, then we are not ready to catch it back, or maybe forget you threw it, only to return to hit us in the back of the head… and that is how you did not get that one job. Boop!

I do not know about you, but I know about me and today I know better.

On a separate note, June marks 18 years in America for little me.

My dream turned into a reality, much like Borat. I too go to America!

Everything we put out there will come back to us, like a virtual boomerang.

ambition and motivation and I was determined. With a magic sprinkle of luck, the Universe aligned the stars et voilá! Presto Americana. Actually, it was not presto at all, but I do not know the word for slow in Italian or French. Definitely a process, and remember progress is slow. If you do not believe me, take a look around.

I did what I had to do and made sure I saw it through, learnt from the painful mistakes and ensured I did not make them again. But because progress is slow, I might have made a few of the same mistakes. Live and learn, folks.

In conclusion and without a concussion or any confusion, I would like to tell you all I really like it here, I am staying and you are going to love me.

America might not be perfect, but it is one of the greatest. Just like you probably and definitely me. On the other hand, maybe I appreciate it a little better because I am adopted and I embraced it. That is a story for another issue.

I could hear James Brown singing, “You may not be looking for the Promised Land. But you might find it anyway, livin’ in America.”

For as long as I can remember I wanted a slice of LA’s sun.

Although, I really had no set plan how to get it. However, I had

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

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1 Hour

The Octopus Cargo Purse

By Debbie Harris Purses are very personal items for women. Most women know what features they want in a purse.

Some women like dump-it purses.

That’s the bag with one opening where you just dump all your stuff in one pocket, throw the strap over your shoulder and head out. When you need something, you dig, archeologist style, until you find what you’re looking for.

If you see a woman with half of her head in her purse, she’s got a dump-it purse. And she’s probably looking for her keys. The rule of all purses is “keys sink to the bottom and tampons and panty liners float to the top.”

I’m not a dump-it purse kind of

woman. My purses have to have a certain number of sections so I can at least have an idea which section something I’m looking for is in. Any purse missing the right number of sections, isn’t purchased.

Whenever anyone had something they didn’t want to carry anymore, they turned to mom’s purse.

My purses are usually pretty big probably because I carry around so many “just in case” items in addition to my other

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 24

“necessaries.” I’ve got quite an inventory. You need a safety pin, I’ve got it. Could use a tiny screw driver to refasten the tiny screw that fell out of your glasses? Come to me. Tissue for your allergies?

I’ve got you covered.

When I had a family, my “mom’s purse” seemed to belong to everyone. Not only did it have to carry all the necessaries and the just-in-cases, it functioned as a receptacle. On a family outing to an amusement park, my purse carried the entry tickets, the parking stub and the map of the park. It had the headache remedy and the sun screen. Throughout the course of the park experience, it got the half-eaten corndog, the crazy straw that was left after the drink was done, and the tickets won at an activity booth — to be redeemed later. Whenever anyone had something they didn’t want to carry anymore, they turned to “mom’s purse.” Family outings for me meant shoulder pain. Maybe that’s how I got used to carrying a big, heavy purse.

A couple of years ago, I got a purse that even I found overwhelming. I called it the octopus cargo purse. It was wide,

19 floppy and had lots of pockets.

Filling all pockets was easy.

Remembering which one of the many pockets I had put things in wasn’t. I could see that when empty the purse lacked structure, but even full, it did an octopuslike movement. When I’d set it on the table, it would splay open and spread out like an octopus slowly slithering away. Putting my cell phone in the cell phone pocket became a battle of wills. The pocket wriggled and fought the phone, seemingly spitting it back out any time I made progress in maneuvering and forcing it in. No matter how hard I tried, it never seemed to go all the way in. I felt like I needed to hang the purse upside down and spray it with starch.

Eventually, I gave up on the octopus cargo purse. I couldn’t take the struggle any longer and donated it to a resale shop. I hope it goes to a nice home, maybe to someone with a big can of starch.

Happy Father’s Day!!

I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.

I got my Dad a GPS for Father’s Day. Now someone other than my Mom can tell him where to go.

20

Charlize Theron Can’t Find a Date?

By Roger Freed

Charlize Theron Is “shockingly available “ And Waiting For Someone To “step up” And Ask Her Out On A Date- YEAH, RIGHT!!!!!

Yeah, right again! Charlize Theron, arguably the best looking woman in Hollywood, possessing only the elitest of chromosomes, worth multiple millions and one of the finest actresses of her time states that she can’t find anyone to date her......

Yeah, RIGHT! one more time.

If Charlize Theron can’t get a date with a guy then all the rest of the women in America might as well give up. Actually, forget America, the rest of the women in THE WHOLE WORLD might as

well forget about it.

If you believe she can’t find a guy then I have a bridge in Brooklyn AND San Francisco I want to sell you.

If you believe this hogwash here are some other things you can believe too then: As a sign that he will never hack again Julian Assange will glue his fingers together with permanent contact cement.

Cher will promise never again to do another ‘Final’ tour.

The Red Chinese, in a move to be good neighbors and show the world that their international good will, will destroy all the artificial islands they built out in the South China Sea.

Putin will give Crimea back to the Ukraine and beg forgiveness for shooting down the Dutch airliner that flew over it giving reparations to all the families of the deceased.

The Israelis will say “what the heck”, tear down all the walls and say to the Palestinians “Go put up a house wherever you want.”.

Of course all this hoo-doo is only click-bait for her and Seth Rogen’s new movie Long Shot where she plays on old acquaintance who he woos and succeeds in bedding. (Yeah, right!)

Want to bet that Rogen wrote this? It surely didn’t come out of Theron’s brain who I am sure has better things to do with her cranial powers. Of course she did already make a western comedy with Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy) as the male lead.

Maybe she only gets turned on by guys named Seth. Seth in Egyptian mythology was an evil god with an animal’s head and a long, pointed snout (sounds more like her other old beau Sean Penn). She’s looking to dig her fingernails into Seth Meyers next.

Charlize can make complex movies about difficulties in the world at large. Rogen can’t get

his head out of the suburbs (and his own behind). Theron can play demanding roles of a tone and depth that can expand the viewers understanding of people and situations. Rogen meanwhile will blur your consciousness in a haze of pot smoke and alcohol.

Theron’s themes can circle around the difficulties had by farmers, women, intermittent workers, sheep-herders, obnoxious cosuperheroes, wasted, burned out Aussie ex-cops who make a hobby out of fighting off desert punks and rockers and sci-fi allies who have hands for feet. Rogen makes movies about losers whose main goals in life are getting high, getting laid and getting in trouble. I’ll let you decide who has the higher vision.

Maybe next year Theron will make a movie where she is shipwrecked on a deserted island with Mr. Bean and they have a romantic tryst......

I would pay to see that.

Now that you’ve graduated, just remember: Bosses don’t usually accept notes from your mother.

Sure, sometimes I question my parenting, but to be honest most times I question my child’s childing.

Baby Boomers Gone Wild

By Rex Keyes Lot of the Baby Boomers, those born after World War II, are undergoing a change in life so they can still have fun. As one gets older some of the youthful physical activities are diminished by the ability of the human body to accomplish them, but there are activities one can transfer to in order to have just as much fun.

For instance, I bought, while I was in the military in Germany, a British motorcycle, a BSA 650 Firebird Scrambler and shipped it home to California. On my first week riding it here I happened to pull into a gas station to fill up. What all of a sudden happened is a group of about 20 motorcyclists also pulled in to get gas. A couple of the bikers had never seen a BSA (British Standard Arms) motorcycle and came over and asked questions about it. Then they invited me to join them cruising in the back hills of Hollywood. I decided to join them and we left Hawthorne,

California for Hollywood, California. Sure enough there was a road in the hills of Hollywood that was mostly trees and open space. Well, when we came around a corner, there were motorcycles, about 200 of them parked all around the place.

Also at this location there was a small diner and a food store. We stopped there for a while. It was like a secret location to hang out.

Yet I was surprised at the number of bikers that came over to look at the BSA. There were only a few other British bikes there and they were all Triumphs. There was not one BSA. Anyway, most of the bikers were in the age group of Baby Boomers. They liked very much going on motorcycle cruises in the back hills of Hollywood and taking curves at a fast speed. But as Boomers got older, that style of motorcycle riding is usually considered somewhat dangerous especially by the wives of the

bikers. Now giving up one’s motorcycle leaves a gap in the having fun part of life. So how do Boomers continue having fun on the road? Well, next time you come up to a stop at a traffic light look around for a sports car like

Now giving up one’s motorcycle leaves a gap in the having fun part of life. a Corvette, a Porsche or a Miata.

Check out the driver’s hair and it will most likely be grey. Chances are that senior citizen is a baby boomer. What he has done was to get rid of the motorcycle and get into something more safe and fun like a sports car and make the wife happy.

Sports cars are a lot safer than motorcycles but if going on a cruise down a windy road like from Monterey to Big Sur

21 a Boomer needs to be alert and act quickly in those turns or the sports car will end up like an airplane flying off the cliff and then turning into a submarine.

Of course, that is a thrill ride, but one to avoid. As a safety measure, before the ride, stop at Starbucks and pick up a Frappuccino or an espresso and let that caffeine pump through your body to increase your physical abilities and awareness while driving down that windy road.

Good luck Baby Boomers!!!

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.

22

DILLIGS!?

By Mary Tompsett

SEWERfest & Naughty Placments

Morning Prayer: O Goddess of Stupidity, look upon me, thy clueless servant, with divine patience. Thou knowest well my ever-lurking immaturity and nonsense, yet thee rebuke me with naught but a fearsome eyeroll. Bless my poor judgment and impulsiveness, that every “Oops!” and “Uh-oh” may bear witness to the folly that doth color mine days. Amen. Y muchas gracias.

Luckily, a sudden rain sent my cheap mascara cascading into facial stripes that would’ve wowed the rock group, Kiss Well, I attended my first SEWERfest. Thinking it was a 20k fun run through the city’s pipes, I’d trained for weeks in full haz-mat gear and took online classes in alligator wrestling.

Turns out, it’s a local fair with exotic reptiles. Waiting in line, I was whopperly afeared I’d be turned away for not looking more “Goth.” Luckily, a sudden rain sent my cheap mascara cascading into facial stripes that would’ve

wowed the rock group, Kiss.

Inside, I boogied past spiders, scorpions and snakes galore! I bought only a conservative t-shirt (cartoon of a boa constrictor emerging from a toilet), but I did cuddle a yellow-eyed lizard the size of a dachshund. Speaking of cuddles, welcome to my advice column, DILLIGS: “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!?”

QUESTION: Can you explain what circular logic is?

DILLIGS: Ooh, my favorite kind!

Ponder this: In the olden days various cultures offered sacrifices to their gods. Some sacrifices were lambs. Some sacrifices were virgins. But...not all lambs were virgins. Yeah. Some of them played around. Regardless, all the lambs were eventually toast, but a few rascals went out smiling. And yet, not all grinning lambs had gotten lucky. Some just had gas.

No doubt, the gods rolled their eyes—no, not in a full circle. Don’t be ridiculous.

QUESTION: I’m offended by the blatant sexuality nowadays.

No morals! Help!

DILLIGS: Relax, grumpy-pants,

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

maybe smoke some weed. Take some positive action, like paying women for each pair of pale showall leggings they surrender. Then to recoup your cash payout, weave the leggings together and sell the resulting “wall” panels to Canada as border protection. From us.

Better yet, doodle! While waiting for my food in an Italian restaurant, I noticed the paper placemats featured an Italy map bordered with graphic depictions of Venus, David and other nude dudes. Facing such depravity, I simply had to clean my glasses.

But I grabbed a pen and within seconds David was tucked into a

Speedo. I also added a few sprouts of chest hair. Well, by then I was on a roll, and gave the little guy a lengthy olive oil rub. Hey, the cruet was there on the table. Be alert for sassy wordplay with Italian cities as I now describe my doodles on the armless Venus: I drew a fringed biker bra to cover her bare “Naples,” and attached sweat shields at her armpits. Over her exposed “Ponte a Poppi” and bulging “Bologna” I created leggings in a classy snakeskin-pattern—identical to those I surrendered for cash after SEWERfest. Ah, what is life without a bit of lunacy? Rest easy, dear reader, for Princess Run Amok has mumbled her morning prayer and is on the loose.

Copyright © 2019

So many women named June!

Answers on pg 24

Allyson Carter Cash Lockhart Pointer Haver Anderson Knight Gable Jones Marlowe Callwood Travis Chadwick Taylor Mathis Gittelson Martel Croft Haimoff

THE BUSKERS’ VIEW

“Play it in Dystopian Time, Guttersnipe”

By Michael Houston

Sprung?

Yesterday I dug my way out of the pile of cast-off vinyl, 8 tracks, cassettes and CDs that Mary Cando threw me into. Now I sing you the folk anthems of the postapocalyptic dystopian world with grandfatherly eyes.

Did we ever wake up dreaming that we are living in the roaring 70s, 80s like it never happened?

Reliving daily the times when we elders have not yet ended all war and got our own elders so mad at us that we got them, us, and what were then unborn generations into the revolting development we’re really in. Are we in a cold sweat due to self-realization or just our naturally strong sense of denial? Can’t be science. It must be climate change.

So where did our world go or is this it?

Ourselves answer, “The flippin’ place gentrified while we weren’t looking.”

Spring sprung sprang again, like Rip Van Winkle, kits, cats, dogs, and spouses, we emerge from hibernation. We’re the fellas

out of F. Scott’s Fitz’s The Los Decade finding out they finished the Empire State Building, Hearst Castle and Asilomar while we’d stepped out for a quick tonic of a spring evening.

Is our innate sense of wronged privilege and exceptionalism under attack from muggles?

Old, Young and Angry?

Capitalism done gone mad.

Worldwide gentrification is!

We see it all on the Greeting Card Channel when the lively yuppie lady comes back from the cosmopolitan glories to discover her Monterey County parishes and erstwhile love interests done decked themselves out as boutique versions of everything!

In 1976 California wines beat the French. That was the price, buyers remorse.

Regime Change?

Will our loudmouth wannabe-gun-totting-eegit friends

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that, who cares? They’re a mile away and you’ve got their shoes.

suddenly realize they can’t afford to start a civil war should the electoral process lead to regime change in America? Will the deep state get its mitts on our Medicare and seguridad social?

And why aren’t our eyes and teeth covered like our liquefying spines, hips and knees are? And where’s PRAA when we need ‘em?

Desserts?

What did we do to deserve this?

Is our innate sense of wronged privilege and exceptionalism under attack from muggles? Only street music can save us.

Now hear this!

23

I can’t. Too many Days on the Green, Winterland Nights, Coachella fantasies, Pink Floyds at Bath, and Altamonts before the invention of noise canceling headphones.

Not a problem. Save the planet.

Head yourself down to the local street market. Buy local produce and prepared goods. Support a real brick and mortar business.

Most importantly, put money in street musician’s tip jars, especially mine. It will bring joy to the least of the world’s sapient creatures and conceivably improve your mood, if not your actual mental health.

Like you, I awaken blissfully singing to each new world from the gutter in the glory of June gloom here in Paradise.

24

Foolish Search

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 19

I’d very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

The inn keeper replied, “I’ve never had a dog steal towels and never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.’

Answers from page 22

Guide to Local Businesses & Services DIVORCE Affordable Divorces

We can help you get it done timely, respectfully and without the high cost of an attorney.

22 years of proven success.

831.443.6509 affordabledivorces.com

TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA

Efficient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems?

Call for solutions.

831.625.4272

INSURANCE

REAL ESTATE

Golden Memorial Plan

Trinkle Real Estate

We can help your family overcome the burden of final expenses and offer tools to prepare and record your final wishes. Bi-lingual, compassionate and experienced.

CA Lic#0184442 831.402.0304

CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out?

CA Road Trips Staycation?

Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be.

Affordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax.

806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS

HOME CARE S&J Homecare

Available on short notice.

We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands.

Excellent references. CPR certified.

831.277.8780

MUSIC

AUTOMOTIVE

DJ Vossenova

Hans Auto Repair

Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.

831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com

Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

TYPEWRITER REPAIR PHONE REPAIR Fix It All

Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Affordable.

Del Monte Center 831.38.4851

Wallace Office Machines Second generation and last of its kind. I repair and sell all types of typewriters. Accepting commercial accounts.

831.422.3707

To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

25

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,C sed ons ign o p R e p ur m en

intage & t s, V Th rift !

Featured Shop:

Choose Your Treasure

New resale store with a variety of quality items priced to move.Women, infants, children, household items, art, furniture and more. Some thing for everyone. Come find your treasure. Its hidden here.

CONSIGNMENT buy

SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org

PacRep’s Neverland Benefit Shop 443 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org

sell

Downtown Books & Sound 222 Main St. Oldtown Salinas 831.435.4636 downtownbooksandsound.com

Resale Here

Choose Your Treasure 211 Pearl St. Downtown Monterey 831.747.1633

Last Chance Mercantile MRWMD 14201 Del Monte Blvd.

Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org

Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org

26

June 1 La Merienda

City of Monterey celebrates their 249th birthday. Step back in time and enjoy a feast, music and garden party. montereyhistory.org

June 2 Palenke Arts Fest

Sambada headlines a day of celebration for multi-cultural art in Seaside. Free family friendly event at Laguna Grande. palenkearts.org

June 7 First Friday Art Walk

Oldtown comes to life with artist receptions, music, spoken word, dance and beautiful weather.

1stfridays.org

June 7 National Doughnut Day

This day honors the Salvation Army “Lassies” of WWI. They were the only women outside of military personnel allowed to visit the front lines.

June 7 June 4 June 1-2 Monterey Wine Fest

43rd year as the premier wine & food event in Monterey.

West Coast Chowder Challenge, King of Calamari and Master of Mussels. montereywine.com

Hug Your Cat Day

Appreciate the warm, cozy feeling you get when you curl up and hug your cat. Love your cat and try not to squeeze too hard.

Free speech and Comedy Mad magazine’s Senior Editor, Joe Raiolas dives head first into today’s most controversial free speech issues. henrymiller.org

A global day to celebrate our oceans. Join Discovery Whale Watch staff and clean the beach.

Meet at 285 Figueroa St at 11:30am 831.372.7440

Movie in the Park

June 4 American Trashbirds

June 10-16

June 5

Pebble Beach Golf Links and the USGA celebrate a Centennial together. This prestigious Championship returns for a sixth time. pebblebeach.com

The Purple Experience

The Joy of Censorship:

World Ocean’s Beach Clean-Up

Join Monterey Firefighters for an evening of family friendly fun at Colton Hall and watch Ralph Breaks the Internet.

Along with Renee Wahl & the Sworn Secrets. Free show with a Monterey roots band and outlaw Nashville Americana. thejadelounge.com

June 2

June 8

The music and stage spectacular pays tribute to Prince.

Costumes, harmonies, spirit and energy, all coming together to give a “Prince” experience. sunsetcerter.org

US Open

June 7-9 Ink at the Bay

Don’t have enough body art or just want to show off?

International artists, contests, seminars and more ink for all. inkatbay.com

June 10-16 Beyond the Golf Course

Art organizations all over the county will host extended gallery hours, special events, live performances, arts classes and youth programs for locals and visitors alike.

Arts4mc.org/cultural-roadtrip

27

June 14-16 Spector Dance

An original ballet, The World of Beatrix Potter and the classic The Christening from Sleeping Beauty crosses boundaries of dance, jazz and contemporary to musical theater. spectordance.org

June 12 Red Rose Day

June 19 Healing Harp

Certain music can help to soothe anxiety, regulate blood pressure, oxygen levels and reduce stress.

Vivian Sarubbi will discuss the benefits of harp music and David. E. Villareal will play therapeutic guitar melodies. monterey.org/library

June 26 David Grey

This Welsh singer-songwriter brought rock to the masses in the 90s with his hit, Babylon.

Still going strong with sales of twelve million albums. goldenstatetheater.com

June 22

The white rose was the symbol for York and the red rose for Lancaster. The resulting war was called the War of the Roses, which was eventually won by the supporters of the red rose.

Picnic in the Park

Lower Presidio Historic Park.

Enjoy spectacular views of our bay. Food, live entertainment, historic reenactments, walking tours, costume contest and more. oldmontereyfoundation.org

June 22 Carmel Valley Art & Wine

June 16 Father’s Day

15th annual event. Beautiful weather in the village. 50 artists, great wine, food and music. carmelvalleychamber.com

June 29 Brian Reagan

This knucklehead is back to tell you hilarious stories using the perfect blend of sarcasm and self-deprecation. goldenstatetheatre.com

My dad said I would never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I told him, ‘O yeah? You just wait!’

June 14-15

June 29

Steinbeck Festival

38th year celebrating Steinbeck’s enduring legacy. Open to the public and intended to instruct, entertain, and connect likeminded Steinbeck lovers. steinbeck.org

Monterey Blues Fest

Mississippi Blues Child, Mr. Sipp headlines this five band event. montereyinternationalbluesfestival. com

June 18 International Panic Day

Use it as an excuse to panic about everything under the sun.

Or take the day to evaluate your priorities and eliminate anything that causes you stress and anxiety.

June 22 Stupid Guy Thing Day

Leaving the toilet seat up is not stupid. It’s not our fault you didn’t look before you sat down.

28

To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038