July 2018
if you don’t swear while driving, then you’re not paying attention to the road.
Event Calendar » Pg. 26
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SECOND CHANCE
105 Central ave, pacific grove 2311 N Fremont St, Monterey (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org
PLATO’S CLOSET
402 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey (831) 641-9919 // www.platosclosetmonterey.com
RESALE TRAIL
Trade In, Trade Up! Buys and sells trendy teen and young adult guys and girls’ clothing.
THE BEST IN REPURPOSED, CONSIGNED, VINTAGE & THRIFT!
SPCA BENEFIT SHOP
26364 CARMEL RANCHO LN. CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA (831) 624-4211 // www.spcamc.org The SPCA is an independent nonprofit organization serving the animals & people of Monterey County since 1905.
JULY HABITAT RESTORE
4230 GIGLING ROAD, MARINA (831) 272-4830 // www.habitatmontereybay.org Benefits Habitat for Humanity Monterey County. Provides safe and affordable shelter for needy family and communities.
FEATURED EVENT MOSS LANDING 48TH ANNUAL ANTIQUE & COLLECTABLE STREET FAIR
Sunday, July 29th 7:30am-4:30pm www.mosslandingchamber.com
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool........................Susie Q. Art Fool......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool.....................Jonah Dee
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks Working from underneath a glass top desk has taught me that even though we all would like to escape from the spotlight, the world would still see you. Social media, business networks, traffic signal cameras and a see through desk top will do that for ya! Standing three inches above everyone on the curb near the post office, I professed to anyone within earshot, “In the next 30 days I would like to escape from all this by quitting my job and venture out to a golf course. I bequeath the publishing of Foolish Times to the people of Monterey County so they can continue to have something to make them laugh. I’ll live like a drunken Irishman on odd days and an Amish on even. I’ll forage for miner’s lettuce and compete with crows for road kill. The new business model is to hide behind trees while tracking wayward golf balls that slice in the high grass and resell them to the original owners to amass my fortune. Come on Monterey, Who’s with me on this?”
Looking around for validation from passing cars and a confused woman who crossed the street with her small child to get away from me and my rant, I found none. What found me was a passing cop car with a wagging finger to move away from the curb and stop making a spectacle of myself. I feel served and protected to continue publishing humor from underneath my desk. July marks the beginning of the other side of the year. Like a onetime full tank of gas passing the half way point now dropping rapidly toward ‘E’, 2018 will be over. Let’s be happy to see the light of another year slowly passing and stop saying we are surviving but we are truly thriving. Laughter will do that for ya. Can someone please hand me the Windex.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
831.648.1038
www.foolishtimes.net
4 An Ultra Light FantaSea: The Final Chapter!
Just in time for you vacationers, we resurrected
A (VERY FISHY!) TALE OF OLD
MONTEREY BAY
featuring “Captain Crudd”
by Dana B. Larrabee
Episode Two, entitled:
“DEEP WATER HORIZONTAL” or
“A PEEP IN THE DEEP ” HEY, CAP’N CRUDD!
SH MEAN DOEZISS BIG FI HALE YOU GOTTA W GOIN’ ON? LE TA A OF IT? DOES IT? DOES
L ME! COME ON,TEL TELL ME, WILL YA, HUH?
WE’RE ALMOST THERE, J.W.!
In our previous episode: For the National Faunagraphic Channel, Carmel’s own undersea film maker, Jacques Wilson recruited Captain Crudd to assist with his Ultimate Fish Story set in the DEEP WATER CANYONS off MONTEREY…
WE ARE ROLLING! FIRST, ZE CAREFREE SEAGULLS... ZEN ZE WAVES WAVING... ZE FOG ROLLING IN... AND ZEN-- ZE MAJESTIC SUNSET!
FANTASTIQUE!
!
RR WHIRRR
GIMME A BREA K! FOUND THIS HU MPBACK STRANDED HE RE ON THE BEACH, AND WH EN I FINISH MY STORY, I’L L GUIDE HER BACK OUT TO SEA, SEE? UM
GRIND!
--NOW, WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH....
NG ZE ESTABLISHI YES, ZESE ARE EREY BAY... NT MO ZE OF S SHOT
?
D’ACCORD! THAT’S A WRAP ON ZOSE OBLIGATORY SCENICS! MAINTENANT, REVENONS À NOS MOUTONS...!
ARK! ARK!!
RRRRR! BUT HOW CAN YOU FILM UNDERWATER? WON’T YER FILLUM GET KINDA SOGGY???
WHAT’S NEXT, J.W.?
ZE UNDERWATER SEQUENCES, OF COURSE--- ZE TRUE HEART OF MY FILM!
WOW…
M’SIEUR! YOU ARE TOO MUCH! TAKE A LOOK AT
ZISS!
ZUT ALORS! ZE NAUGHTYLASS ISS GONE!
A! AAAA
?
TEE HEE!
THIS IS SOME CONTRAPTION! ‘NEVER SEEN SO MANY DIALS ‘N’ GAUGES! LOOKIT ‘EM ALL!!
SUDDENLY…! !
?
SNOP
HELP!
!
!
O.K., J.W!
“THE NAUGHTYLASS!” JACQUES WILSON’S CUSTOM-BUILT DEEP-SEA MOTION PICTURE CAMERA SUBMARINE!
‘HOPE ZE CAPITAIN GETS ME SOME GOOD SCENES!
?
?
?
HI, TOOTS!
Taa-D
YOU CHECK IT OUT, CAPTAIN, WHILE I LOAD ZE CAMERA!
LEMME OUTTA THIS CAN!
?
?
? HEE! HEE!
GROAN!
!!!!
AH, SANK HEAVEN YOU ARE SAFE, MONSIEUR CRUDD…!
J.W.! AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!
MAIS, OUI! I WAS AFRAID YOU LOST ZE FILM YOU ZHOT! AU REVOIR, CAPITAIN!
HMPPH!
?
OOG!
KSSHH!
COMES THE AND NOW... BIG PAYOFF!
!
NGO
NG!
ZE END!
COPYRIGHT 2018 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
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BOTTLE SHOPPE Surf N Sand Liquors Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town. Chilled wines & champagne. Wine tasting room. Visit our cigar lounge. Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet-friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts. 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
DONUTS
ITALIAN
PUBS
Red’s
Gino’s
Crown & Anchor
Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts. 433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444
Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Cool Man! It’s all becoming clearer in your sensory experience that being different need not be a threat. As in your case when in the presence of a potato you can feel its vibes and see it smiling at you. Starch is one of Earth’s greatest resources, like music is the glue of the world. Now you can reign where the Summertime is parched. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Flower Power! Last month’s wildflower expedition proved prosperous. Bully no more, just a bubbly Begonia, a Ferdinand once again. The uplifting experience between Nettles and Milk Thistle has proudly initiated you into Bull Whisperer of the year! You are no longer a mis-guided missile high on Red Bull. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Tie or Dye! You could end up a candyass unless you re-commit! Tying that knot and dying that lot a rainbow scale could be essential to having peace and joy. The mythic time zone of Mercury could help you adjust to this new way of being which is pinch, wring or just hang loose! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Bad Trip! You didn’t see that ninth Eclair being a dare to your equanimous birthday stature. You do have a little wiggle room left for bashfulness since it is your Burf-Day after all. But be sure not to miss the opportunity to open up that pretty in pink Crab shell. A crucial personal decision you will have to come to terms with,
soon! Your fellow crustaceans love you and know when you are full of cream.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion WHAT A DRAG! Tearing all that meat out and having it go to waste. “They” just don’t get what EXUBERANCE is all about. Their’s a fools scope. That small aperture is exactly their delay in seeing the whole picture and receiving all the abundance life has to offer. Go on and shake that holstered squirt gun at them and stain their clothes for shame! Then have a Gas! It’s a paw-shank redemption. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Tee’d Off! Shooing away the neighbor’s ankle biter is no small feat especially when the parents are really neat. Analyzing your every move won’t give you control and going ape just causes you to lose your Day-glo. So when they ask if you have seen the Tyke’s drum set, you can answer, Beats Me. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Frizz-Be Free! This whole “hair” drama will dissipate like breath on a winter pane. This is the past and the present whizzing by you and leaving behind a beehive to balance. If you want to be the last Hipster standing, then power to ya! Individuate by being all that you can Bee! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Psyching people out with those hungry eyes is groovy man! Modern day addiction to speed, haste and hurry is nitwit hip. You undoubtedly know about repose in
the summertime grass, sunshine, concerts and lemon-lime drinks. This stare down you are daring will help put the Kibosh on! What happens when you mix astrologers and Hipsters? HIGH FIVE! Jinx! You owe me a coke.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Get on the Horn to your tribe! They are waiting for you to hip and jive. You have been tooling around in the garage long enough. I know you are trying to be a little more homey and build stuff. But, the sounds alone are starting to make the night owls wonder and the groundhogs file their teeth. It’s Work for you. Please, just HUMAN-BE yourself. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat FINK-US MAGORAS! Taking stock of your wood-chucker mouth is essential...meanwhile back at the ranch...Whatever it was you said, it’s barking up a storm. However, this slip of a tongue twister is not a mission impossible to reverse. I suggest placing yourself in that person’s threads. Dig!
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier FAR OUT! You are such a visionary. Even though your windshield is full of ginchy gummy bugs, you can see forever. You spin by hatching schemes, plotting dreams and setting goals. But it takes guts, drudgery of detail, and the minutiae of management to make dreams real. Doesn’t need to be a drag if you take baby steps. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes RIGHT ON! High levels of taste and enlightenment is a result of your extensive intellectual training and exposure. Still, distill the waters that cloud around the sea beds of this rich cultivation. Take heed of those little weeds that grow and clamp themselves on the hull of a Black Pearl. Difficult to overcome certain munchies of life’s various kinds. Mercury is out of retrograde— time to ground those dreams into reality.
The hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal.
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9 happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what UFO means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means - it means Unleaded Fuel Only.
Yell for Help Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others, “I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together.” The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly, “Together, together, together.”
Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the
world,” and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think...” and it sucked her in.
Hello UFO A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just
Weird Dream A blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So ... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it does. Doctor: And what did these letter spell? Blonde: It said Pull.”
Good Detecting
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said: “To be a detective, you have
to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.” Then he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a couple of seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye.” The detective shook his head disgustingly and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde and asked, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you just hear what I told the first lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a big waste of my time, but...” He flashed the photo in this blonde’s face for a brief moment and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything unusual or distinguishing about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, you’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that simply by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, “Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
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My Meeting with Leon Panetta By Debbie Harris The light had a layer of dusk that gave the world a smoky glow on that mild Central Coast summer day. At the time of our meeting, I was young—well, we both were. I wasn’t very politically attuned then. At least I thought I wasn’t. But I guess I was more in tune than I thought. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have known. I had no idea at the time that I’d be talking to someone who would be so crucially important to United States politics for so many years. I didn’t know he would ever be anything more than my congressman, that he would become Chair of the House Budget Committee, Director of the Office of Management and Budget, White House Chief of Staff, Director of the CIA, US Secretary of Defense,
or the Chairman of The Panetta Institute for Public Policy at what would become my alma mater. If I had known . . . oh, if only I had known! I could have made our interaction more meaningful, more alive. I could have contributed more to our exchange. Alas, hindsight. But . . . maybe I contributed what was needed at the time. Maybe I had a small place in history. It seemed late for them to be arriving—him and her, a bit late for that kind of activity. But what did I know. Public figures often have odd hours. They grab what they can when they can. But it was good that the bustle had slowed down so I could focus on the experience. At the prompting of the tone, I did my thing, the thing I had done
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 24
thousands of times over the prior months. “Welcome to Jack-in-theBox,” I said through the speaker. “May I take your order?” That’s when I heard his voice. I didn’t know it was him—how could I? “I’ll have a Jumbo Jack,” the voice said. “Would you like something to drink with that?” I asked, doing the mandatory JITB marketing that I hated. The response was no. I gave a total for the order and told the voice to drive to the window.
Public figures often have odd hours. They grab what they can when they can. As I opened the window and reached out to take the money, I saw from the passenger seat, Sylvia’s (his wife’s) face looking at me with anticipation. Her eyes asked, “Do you recognize him?” I saw his full face as he finished gathering his money and handing it to me. Our eyes met. And I knew immediately. Not one to go berserk over notable people, my 17 year-old hands took his money and closed the window. I breathed deeply and immediately turned to my co-workers and announced that Congressman Panetta was sitting at our drive-thru window. My co-
workers had no such restraints on berserk. Two young women hurried to the window, opened it, and asked for Mr. Panetta’s autograph. I had to reach over them to give him his change. They showed the excitement I felt. But I had to be cool. Autographs given, I closed the window and waited for the Jumbo Jack to land in the bin under the heat lamp. The air was thick with anticipation as we waited. At last it arrived and I served it to Mr. Panetta and thanked him. Sylvia gave me a knowing glance of approval and they drove away. Ah, I touched the hand of the US political scene; I’d made my place in history in this, my meeting with Leon Panetta. Last year, Leon and Sylvia’s youngest son, Jimmy, was elected congressman for our district, his father’s old district. I follow him on Facebook, but I haven’t had a chance to meet him yet. Maybe I ought to get a job at In-N-Out Burger. Happy Independence Day!
A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
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50,000wrong!
Sucks to be YOU!
be Readers can’t
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By Stacy Lininger
Meet Jack Stacy: How did you get the name Jack? Jack: I am the jack of all dogs. Stacy: How is that? Jack: I am a special agent for the CIA. Stacy: What’s your specialty? Jack: Show me a foxtail and I’ll show you a tale less fox. Stacy: Oh my, are you into violence? Jack: Only if you count choke chains, zap collars and hot car boarding. Stacy: What is your MO? Jack: I know how to dig up evidence?
Stacy: Like digging up a bone? Jack: Exactly, but those ain’t no ham bones. Stacy: Are you part bloodhound. Jack: No, but I took the online course. Stacy: Why do dogs poop on the floor? Jack: Same reason we lick ourselves. Stacy: Why do you lick yourself? Jack: Wouldn’t you, if you could? Stacy: Do humans spoil their dogs? Jack: Does a bear poop in the woods?
Stacy: What advice do you have for humans? Jack: The Golden Retriever Rule: do unto your dog as you would like your dog to do unto you. Stacy: How are dogs different from men? Jack: We like to please our masters. Stacy: How are men and dogs alike? Jack: We both know how to beg.
Stacy: Is bureaucracy a problem? Jack: Only if you count the amount of waste involved. I’m just trying to get through fourth of July. Stacy: How so? Jack: Putting explosives in the hands of trained people is horrific but putting them in the hands of untrained “humans” is insane. Fourth of July is like a war zone. People really need to protect their pets, even cats.
Stacy: What is the main difference between dogs and cats? Jack: I have never known a passive aggressive dog.
Stacy: Is there anything else you would like to add? Jack: Yes, I do not participate in dog-eat-dog mentality and find it offensive that humans came up with that phrase.
Stacy: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Jack: Six, sometimes twelve, we are pack animals. High five Salinas annual beer fest!
Stacy: Thanks Jack, can I buy you a hot dog? Jack: Sure. Pant, pant pant….
Stacy: What is up with dogs in cars, why not cats? Jack: Too difficult to herd, plus where would you take them?? Stacy: Why are people cruel to animals? Jack: You had me at cruel. Stacy: Why are humans cruel to one another? Jack: Do I look like a sphinx? Stacy: Do cats really have nine lives? Jack: No, that’s just a myth they made up to screw with us.
You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.
If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.
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THE
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VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB
Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday Come in for great friends, great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED
150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am
The World’s longest running musical!
book & lyrics by Tom Jones music by Harvey Schmidt directed by Justin Gordon
July 26 - August 12 mpctheatre.com • 831-646-4213 Theatre Company MONTERE Y PENINSULA COLLEGE
Presented through special arrangement with Music Theatre International (MTI)
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By Daria James
Fashion, Fashion You Know Me Clothes, we all wear them, some of us wear a shirt better than others, and some of us do not care about the newest whatever brand collection. All I need is to be properly covered in accordance with the seasons and activities I am performing. Some Silicon Valley entrepreneurs wear a type of basic uniform a la Steve Jobs, and they save so much money not shopping around for outfits that they can afford that mansion with a pool and tennis court. Just kidding. But they can apply that brain power on other things, like how to keep users personal information out of the hands of parties trying to persuade the masses into believing
they are super-duper right and anybody not on their side is the enemy thus you should destroy them, dividing and conquering if you wish.
Happiness is not on social media or new clothes or that overpriced Frappuccino. I was talking to an older and wiser person in the legal field and they said, as a rule of thumb, “If you download a free app, know you are not the intended customer” … ain’t that the truth!? Now that I think about it. Social media bombards us with the newest, cutest, flashiest puppies to spam our brains. That is why sometimes we think we need
2018
that outfit to look cool like that model, and if we do not get it that nun from Game of Thrones is going to follow us around screaming, “Shame!” I used to cave in to pressure; I would carelessly purchase clothes. I had to train my brain to prioritize. I managed to compress my closet by keeping it basic; it was an easier task when I was active duty, just roll out bed and wear the same uniform. Now that I work in an office, I have some office attire I rotate, but I do not feel pressured to buy new outfits. Like a trained German Shepard fresh out of K-9 school, I can now walk by the mall without running inside a store to purchase something I was not there for. Yes, it is a difficult task sometimes, but not impossible. It takes that will power we do not like to enforce. Pick it up from the corner and dust it off, let it do its job. Happiness is not on social media or new clothes or that over-priced Frappuccino. Happiness comes from within and it projects out, if
you wear it with confidence it does not matter what clothes you wear. Investing in one self is much better and benefits are longer lasting. Learn some history. Keep up with current events. Hold a conversation. Brains are beautiful, give them more credit, it raises our stocks because beauty is only skin deep. Go out and be that California 9 in all 50 States and International. You got it!
Why is summer mist romantic and autumn mist just sad?
15
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By Rex Keyes
Buying a Car
One of the most difficult decisions we make in life is buying a car. There are so many carmakers and types of vehicles it can be mind boggling. Also from SUVs to cars there are so many options that one can spend thousands on and never use. Consider the following a guide and do not let those slick car salesmen talk you into spending money on items you’ll very rarely use.
The only reason to buy a sedan is if you have a bunch of kids you drop off and pick up at school every day. First I’d like to mention SUVs. A lot of them come with four wheel drive. Unless you live in Alaska or in snow country how often are you going to use it? Take for instance a Ford Explorer. You can get it in two wheel drive, saving a couple of thousand dollars that you can spend at Starbucks. And being two wheel drive it is lighter and gets more miles per gallon. So if you do not live in the outback check up on two wheel drive SUVs. The next item one tries to decide on is the color of their vehicle. Black is about the worst color there is. It is very difficult to keep clean
and shows up dirt very easily. Try and avoid black at all costs. If you have to have it then here are some helpful hints. If you have kids and they use the car, have them wash it once a week. Always park the car in the garage and have a feather duster handy to wipe it every day. Good luck on black!! Next is whether to buy a four door which is called a sedan or a two door which is known as a coupe. Sedans are the most popular car. The only reason to buy a sedan is if you have a bunch of kids you drop off and pick up at school every day. It is easier for them to get in and out of the car with those back doors. Coupes are cheaper, lighter and look a lot sportier. Go for a coupe. The day of the stick shift is practically gone. Just about
everyone now drives an automatic. And who can blame them. Most traffic now is stop and go with all the traffic congestion. But there is one big advantage to buying a stick shift. If you want to buy a sports car and you don’t want everyone else in the family driving it, then buy a stick shift, because no one will be asking to borrow it since they don’t know how to drive it. Finally there is the costly option of buying a navigation package. The question is how often do you go to someplace that you have never been before? Save yourself a grand and use an old fashion device they call a map for the few times a year you might travel to some unknown place. Enjoy driving while you can because the near future is automation. A car will take you anywhere you want while you text, Skype and talk on the cell phone. Goodbye driving, hello Robbie the Robot!!
Salt in the air, sand in my hair.
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I AM A HUMAN BING
By Robyn Justo
I’m going to blame all of this on Roseanne Barr and the reboot of her infamous show. Not that I didn’t like it because I did and this isn’t about the ridiculous comments that Twitter out of her mouth. It’s about what her sister Jackie wore during one episode. I fell in love with an Aztec sweater that night so I went on the hunt. I became obsessed with finding it as I instantly transformed into a human Bing search engine and during the process lost my soul and most of my sanity. I found (and bought) things I never knew I even wanted. Crazy monkey hoodies. Who knew I needed a glow-in-the-dark ET shirt or secretly always wanted a Bambi sweatshirt? Most of this came from that resale site for sore heads I mentioned last month called Poshmark. Maybe it’s the crazy deals or maybe it’s the camaraderie of so many other nuts like me, but it’s the excitement of the search and the fact that you get presents in the mail! Ok, they are kind of from me to me, but someone else has found it, wrapped it up in a bow and tissue with a thank you card and dryer sheet to make it smell nice and sometimes even candy or other presents and Bible messages included (if they are a good seller and don’t just throw it
in a box with bad riddance saying “Don’t let the cardboard hit you on your way out!). And it shows up at the post office addressed to me! What a concept. Three million other pairs of eyes shopping for me. It’s a risk, yes. Will it fit? There is a new meaning to “shrink-to-fit” which is what I will have to be doing to wear a Lucky Brand shirt I bought in small hoping it would stretch enough to cover me. Did I feel lucky? Did the seller tell the truth or is the sweater snagged and stained? The whole question is why are they getting rid of it? Could be the urge to purge like I get every once in a while and hope to get again? Or is it a perfectly great item that will work for the next person? A few times I got what I didn’t expect like a neon orange sweater (listed as pink and perfect but bright enough that I could flag air traffic or volunteer as a nighttime crossing guard) showing up reeking of smoke and snagged and when not accepting the item, being accused of ruining it by the madwoman who sold it to me. By the way, the other risk is that these people have your address. Good thing this one lived in Iowa or Kansas. If she flies out, I’ll just flag her plane in the opposite direction, wearing her sweater! I have some friends who would never do this. They don’t
want the energy of something previously owned. Some of these folks meditate on Oneness and yet object to sharing clothing, but we are all trading material goods and energies…and we share the air. It’s also like looking into someone else’s life and closet. I peek past the item and see what is behind it (pets, messy rooms, stuff you wish you hadn’t seen). I’m also a CSI closet agent. Some sell intimate items like bras and underwear, makeup, nail polish, and a whole lot more that I don’t really want to know about that should have stayed IN the closet! It must be a tribal trait of the female. Typically you don’t hear guys saying, “Hey I have a spare couple o’ pairs of tighty whities. Five bucks and I’ll wrap ‘em up nice for you. Interested?” They gather over the Budweiser, right? As soon as I had this thought, I overheard a guy in an upscale Carmel thrift shop asking if they had socks. Eeesh. But what was worse was that the friend he was with said, “Hey I have a couple o’pairs I’m not using!” It’s kind of like Match.com without the grief of the date. But it’s the same concept of scrolling for what you think you want, for that elusive Aztec sweater, making an offer and waiting to see if it’s accepted, watching for likes on your items if you become a seller
17 (which I did after realizing how much I bought!). You gotta know when to hold and know when to fold ‘em (the clothes) and pack and ship ‘em. A woman on the site offered mystery packages where you could buy a few things you selected and also get some things she selected for you. People eat this up. I didn’t bite though. She admitted to me that she had 40 tubs of items, two plus hanging racks, a 10 x 15’ room filled with clothes, and a partridge in a pear tree. It scared me so much, I opened my own closet. I have to admit though, I made my things look so good that I wanted to keep them. “Wait, I LOVE that! You can’t have it!” Kind of like letting go of an ex. We can eat Beer Nuts and shop in our PJs here as we learn about Lularoe butter leggings and overpriced Lululemon athletic wear, and the oxymoron of how in demand Free People clothing is when it should be aptly termed Expensive People! One buyer apologized for not shipping sooner because she went to prom? WHAT??? I am buying from a 16 year old? I need to buy more so that I can pay for her dress. Maybe I think this will increase my life expectancy and I’ll have to live long enough to wear it all. Maybe it is an addiction and I’ve fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole and the only pills I need to ask Alice about are the ones on the tops I am buying. Most of the members admit to the addiction when they are up at three in the morning checking their messages. Sure there are great deals to be had, but the shipping charges add up quickly. We don’t think about that. Awareness is 9/10 of the cure though. A very sweet seller sent me the cutest, softest stuffed monkey (no, not the crazy monkey hoodie gal) and it brought me to tears. She knew I liked it and included it for free. Ah the kindness of strangers here. Am I addicted? Not sure, but right now I am Poshitively practicing the presents.
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Back from the Gutter – The Busker’s View Love is Pleasing and Love is Teasing By Michael Houston “Love is all there is, that makes the world go round.” Bob Dylan, 1969 Was he/I kidding us/me/ himself, or what? Who knows? Me, a consortium of my inner voices colluded in chorus like an act at the Bach Festival and promised riffs on love direct from the Collective Unconscious. Cool. (That was Bach Festival not Jazz Festival!) “You know our lifetime love will be all right,” - Blind Faith. Done. Mission accomplished and back off subject. Joking aside, one asks our/my/ your ids, “Do I/you blame inner voices for your present revolting emotional predicament?” Do you ask, “I just a sex machine with a brain? And if so, why are both so wonky? ”
Our souls shout back, “Love’s love’s loves, loves!” Which explains everything quite well if you don’t misread it. Why blame your stream of consciousness when the real problem is the hot wired connection between my/our/your big mouth(s) and what passes for the thought processes these days. So, with all things, even love itself, “We ask does this stuff operate apart from terrestrial reality, and, by the way, am I a shaman or just another bodhisattva?” Yes, and possibly no, but we’re doing love not national politics this month. So yes, gnome hearts, love is all there is, and it gives us the amazing power to live without thinking. We’re now on the road to El Dorado (not the street); Nirvana (not the band); Valhalla (the culturally
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diverse one); Enter’n Exit burger joints, (yes,the carbs and red meat cult). So eat, love and pray by these simple rules. • Eat - Don’t eat this humor rag! (No, I’m not saying it’s toxic. It may well be a fine source of fiber.) Just archive it with your other literary treasures or recycle it when you’re done mutilating the jokes in retelling. • Love - Don’t use Foolish Times to break anyone’s loving heart by wrapping it around a sharp stick and perforating their chest cavity. (our coastal elite nonviolence bias.) • Pray – No gluttony or love triangle suicides on our watch! Pray read on. It could get better. “I wanna’ know what love is…” even if I don’t want you to show me. Love is more than series of bad judgments, ridiculous projections, and weird outcomes. W. B. Yeats warned, “Never give too much of the heart.” He’s wrong. This is Monterey. Go for it, and good luck with your karma, free will, predestination, bad luck, or the way things play out. Lacking all else, there is shadenfreud. You may find love with someone else who finds joy in other people’s sorrows. Music is love; love is money; and money can’t buy me love. That formula squares the great circle of life. No worries. Unless, you, like everyone else on Earth, have issues
with love, money, and/or music. In other words, “What’s love got to do with it?” Charity is love. St Paul said so! By extension, love is giving money to members of the hospitality community upon delivery of food, drink, or some semi-desired requested service. Listen to the voice that says, “God wills it!” Alternately, bring fleeting joy into the life of a street player at the peak of their artistic career. Rock aficionados, bad street covers of your favorite anthems are really updated versions of mega hits for the tone deaf. Hear it played wrong? Show the love. Throw money into the offending busker’s money receptacle. Love thy busker as thine selves. Don’t go putting money into the coffee cup the artist is drinking from! There’s a gifted mandolin player looking for the joker what done that one on him mid-solo not so long ago. He hasn’t said whether the quarter tasted good. Charity (love) begins in the street, not the ocean. Don’t put your money directly into garbage cans. Practice philanthropy and we will transform it and return it to the water cycle via the delightful ale houses which make our town what it has always been. Show the love! Act now, July may be National Take a Busker to a Pub Month. Love takes many forms… In the words of Robbie Burns, “O my Luve is like a red, red rose…” Not in Monterey. The deer got it. Now it’s like deer droppings, dude.
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There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.
Summer Break?
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By Jann Gargiulo
I never understood why all the kids at school were so happy when it was time for school to end for the summer break. What break? What did that mean, anyway? Sure the days had more light so after dinner we could go outside and play more, but “break?” Living on a truck farm, summer was particularly hectic. Crops needed picking and divided for selling and canning. Selling was fun, but canning was hot, and hotter! I never made it through an entire season of canning! It was a tough job.
We would catch frogs, tadpoles, kissin’ bugs, anything we found interesting. I was in the way, so mom sent me outside to play. Oh, ahh, summer “break!!!” We had a creek that ran along side the property. I would wade in with my two younger siblings. We would catch frogs, tadpoles, kissin’ bugs, anything we found interesting. If we got thirsty while playing we just went to the spring and dipped our scoop in where we always found nice fresh crystal clear water to drink. I can still remember how that water tasted
and I have never tasted water that good since! We would play in the water for a long time … until we heard daddy’s car coming. See, we weren’t allowed to play in the water … daddy called it “polio water.” I learned when I became an adult it happened to be the way our sewage was delivered to the river. We still played in that water all summer long as did my older brothers and sisters. The creek took a bend at one point and there it was very deep (there were also snakes in there). My brother Larry was the bravest one at that point. There was a big old vine about as thick as a person’s wrist and he would grab hold of it and swing out over the deepest point then let go and drop into the water. Cheers and applause always followed. Then about five of the other siblings would try, not me. So this was a fraction of my summer break!
If your parents didn’t have children, chances are you won’t either.
A drunken guy is driving the wrong way on Del Monte Ave and a cop stops him. The cop goes to the guy and says “Hey, didn’t you see the arrows?” The guy replies “I didn’t even see the Indians!” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
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By Ted Gargiulo
FINAL ACT
I’ve become increasingly skittish around stairs. I first noticed this two years ago while visiting our daughter in Cleveland. Navigating her basement steps unnerved me. They seemed amazingly steep, narrow, oddly precarious, even with the lights on. I envisioned my poor, fragile self, passed out at the bottom, bleeding from a busted head, wife and daughter huddled over me, screaming my name. It was with considerable trepidation, therefore, that I made that descent every day for two months—slowly, deliberately, one leg at a time, taking care not to trip or misjudge distances, which can happen when my eyes haven’t had time to focus. Of course, I’m probably blowing things way out of proportion. Nevertheless, that apprehension is always with me, no matter where
I am. The steps to our house, for instance, though less intimidating than those leading to our daughter’s basement, seem smaller and less reliable now than they did when we bought the house. (The ground must have shifted when we weren’t looking.) Whatever the reason, easing myself down to the mailbox requires a bit more effort these days, and keener coordination. The trick is to avoid placing too much weight on my knees until I’m confident they can support me, especially on a cold day when they’re stiff and creaky. More delusional nonsense, I suspect. Perhaps my limbs only SEEM weaker. Scrunching my slender little body into the driver’s seat of my car is yet another comic spectacle, punctuated with huffs and grunts
It’s not just our nation’s birthday this month, happy birthday to these folk too... Answers on pg 24
Tom Cruise Dan Aykroyd Neil Simon Huey Lewis Ringo Starr Sylvester Stallone Kevin Bacon Tom Hanks Harrison Ford Will Ferrell
and assorted grimaces. Well, big whopping deal! Is it my fault the vehicle sinks lower to the ground each time I squeeze in or out of it? Or that the pavement shifts and throws me off balance when I walk? I can only imagine what the neighbors think when they see me.
Is it my fault the vehicle sinks lower to the ground each time I squeeze in or out of it? “Drop the old man routine!” I hear an inner voice, saying. “You’re not on stage anymore!” Routine??? Is that what this is about? How exquisitely ironic! When I was young and active in theater, I specialized in playing old men. Had them down to a science: the bent posture, the lumbering walk, the gravelly voice, the eccentricities. Spent hours drawing creases on my face, spraying my head white and gluing crepe hair to my chin. Now that I’m several months shy of my 70th birthday, I’m not really sure HOW I’m supposed to act. Or that I’m even “old,” for that matter. So what if I have difficulty raising myself off the ground when I’m working in the yard? Or
if I can’t bound up steps two at a time like I used to? Or if my head spins when I tilt it up, down or sideways? Or if I tire more easily, or get winded pulling up my pants? Or if loud noises terrify me? I simply persuade myself that these problems aren’t real. After all, whether I’m young or old, pretending I’m someone I’m not is what this actor does best. Thus far, I haven’t morphed into the character I expected to be at this point in my life. I still don’t look or behave like an old person. I keep waiting for that momentous transformation to begin. That is, until I reflect on all the “nonsense” I described above, and realize: maybe, just maybe, it already has.
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
21
What a Pile of Fruitcake, By Mary Tompsett
Q. A man drove 2,000 miles with his family without knowing he had a flat tire. How come? A. It was his spare tire that was flat. Q. What has cities without houses, rivers, without water, and forests without trees? A road map. Q. When is a house not on land and not on water? A. When it’s on fire! Q. What would you call a short, sunburned outlaw riding a horse? A. Little Red Riding Hood. Q. Why wasn’t the outlaw buried in the town cemetery? A. Because he wasn’t dead? Q. What cattle follow you wherever you go? A. Your calves. Q. A cowboy went on a trip on Friday, stayed three days, and came back on Friday. How is that possible? A. His horse was named Friday. Q. If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? A. The conductor. Q. Can you make a fire with one stick? A. Yes, if it’s a match.
Yup. It’s summer, but I’ve already done my 2018 holiday newsletter. Keep in mind, we single folks who never laid eggs in the sand can’t pad the news with other people’s achievements, such as “Tiffany left for Stanford to study artificial intelligence—on an artificial scholarship,” or “Tom built an 80foot sailboat out of repurposed entertainment centers.”
I signed up for a university course in string theory. Just a refresher, I know this stuff. But with lots of stunning news of my own so far, I won’t need to share the cute antics of the millipedes camping in the bathtub, or brag that my parrot overcame his stutter and is now a professional life coach. So here goes: I signed up for a university course in string theory. Just a refresher, I know this stuff. Well, imagine my disappointment being the only student who showed up
YA?
with an armful of dusty macramé supplies. Plan B: I registered at the “Y” for an exercise class for seniors—nude fencing. But they canceled the class when OSHA had a fit. Not enough protective gloves. On to Plan C: Youtube. Did you know that a wart needs air to breathe? And it will suffocate if you cover it with duct tape. Say bye-bye to the good old days when we blew cigarette smoke at the rascal and hoped it got lung cancer. Finally I kicked a long and stubborn habit – prayer. Medicare won’t pay for an exorcism so I borrowed a Netty pot—from an agnostic. No more urges to pray, no begging, no feeling ignored. Hallelujah! Just an expression, not prayer. I’m still clean. I’m multitasking at a whole new level...not by raising the bar, but by lowering it. Example: Those strawberries I brought to the picnic? While cutting the mold off of them, I thought about Steve, an old high school flame—who I’d been stalking online—and I said to my beagle, “Lordy, he was hot!” Nope. Not prayer. Just cut me some slack, will ya?
Now I handle multiple processes like cell division, neural synaptic conductivity and occasional whistling through my nose, while barefoot and wearing a five-foot-diameter hoop skirt as I shove branches into a wood chipper—with no safety guard— and text a creepy note to the old flame Steve. And his wife. Since my caper with the Netty pot I’ve been visited by the spirit of a German mystic from the 14th century. Her name is Ruby Dawn. I think. With her strong accent and my hearing aids, it could be Rabid Dawn. She’s not your average mystic. In fact, Rabid Dawn is a onelegged hooker with stigmata—a real gusher—even in her phantom limb. I know... hard to believe. But trust me, when she leans in for a hug, y’all don’t wanna be wearin’ white. Rabid Dawn doesn’t preach. Instead she’s teaching me everyday German for things like, “Oooh, how handsome you are in the tight lederhosen! I can warm up your wienerschnitzel, ya??” That’s it. And the year ain’t over, buckaroos, so be good. Santa just might bring you that cammo straitjacket... with matching shoes. Copyright © 2018
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GOOGLE ME NOT!
CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ... GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetables! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know! GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, four months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!! GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
The Amber Jack’s manager made an appointment to see a doctor to care for his ulcer. “Remember,” the doctor said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball when you’re off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?”
PLAY BALL Which superhero is the best at baseball? ... Batman
The older I get, the more dates feel like sales pitches.
Why couldn’t Robin play baseball? ... He forgot his bat, man
Where does a catcher sit for dinner? ... Behind the plate
What cartoon character is the best at baseball? ... Homer Simpson
Why do girls like baseball? ...It’s the only sport played on a diamond
Why was Cinderella kicked off the team? ... She ran away from the ball
How is a baseball like a pancake? ... They both need a good batter
Why are frogs good outfielders? ... They never miss a fly
When should baseball players wear armor? ... When they play night games
23
While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?” The Manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000.” Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet certainly out of my price range.” She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49. Then he went into the backroom to get one. From the backroom the Manager yelled, “Ma’am, you wanna screw for the hinge?” Mary shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.” This is why you just can’t send a woman to Home Depot.
So, a man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12 percent interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and a MultiMillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?” His name was BUBBA. Keep an eye on those southern boys!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia backcountry.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, worn out after a tough shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: “Well, that’s great. That’s just great. Some a**hole’s got my pen!”
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about 40 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled out to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
George Washington may be the father of the country, but HIS father was actually Darth Vader.
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“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered soldier. “I suppose after you get discharged, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can piss on my grave.” “Not me, sir!” the soldier replied. “Once I get out of the army, I’m never going to stand in line again.
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July 10
Teddy Bears’ Picnic Day
One of the comforts of childhood. A day to support Teddy Bears with heart. teddybearswithheart.org
July 19-22
CA Rodeo
A top rodeo in America. Over 700 cowboys and girls compete for money and coveted buckles. carodeo.com
July 4
July 26- Aug 12
The Fantasticks
Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, and boy gets girl back. Sound familiar? Loved by theatergoers for 50 years, and the longest running musical in history. www.mpc.edu
Independence Day
Smack in the middle of the week we celebrate with a parade on Alvarado St., lawn party at Colton Hall and fireworks in Seaside. oldmonterey.org pacificgrove.org ci.seaside.ca.us
July 6
First Friday Art Walk
The county’s longest continuous running (and strolling) art walk. Artist receptions, music, poetry. Interactive and family friendly. artistasunidos.org
July 10- August 7
Blues in the Park
Laguna Grande Park hosts Sunday afternoon shows featuring touring blues bands. ci.seaside.ca.us
July 13
Paula Poundstone
Recognized on Comedy Central’s list of The 100 Best Standup Comics of All Time. Smart, observational humor and a legendary spontaneous interaction with the crowd goldenstatetheatre.com
July 14
July 7
Monterey Beer Fest
The best in afternoon beer tasting at the Fairgrounds. Featuring Craft beers from local brewers and throughout CA. montereybeerfestival.com
July 8
Obon Fest
Celebrated in Japan since 657 A.D. Celebrated here since 1947. montereybt.org
Kiddie Kapers Parade
Surf, Sand & Saddles! 1,200 children parade through Oldtown as a kick off to Big Week and the CA Rodeo. carodeo.com
July 14-28
Carmel Bach Fest
81st performance season. This year’s schedule features more than 40 events. bachfestival.org
July 20-28
Feast of Lanterns
A Celebration of the founding of PG and the Chautauqua Movement. Pet parade, fireworks and an evening lantern show cap off the week. feast-of-lanterns.org
July 28
Dance Day
What was the question? The answer is to break out in spontaneous dance.
July 21
MRARI Open House
Enjoy science exhibits and presentations, deep-sea videos, children’s activities and more. mbari.org
July 22
Spoonerism Day
Rev. Spooner became famous as the man who could never say the right thing about anything because he always mixed up the words.
July 24
Tell an Old Joke Day
Like the classic movies we watch over and over, we all know the punchline but it’s still funny.
July 29
Moss Landing Antique and Street Fair
If you like ‘cool stuff’, you’re going to love this event. Bring your walking shoes and come early. mosslandingchamber.com
July 30
Father-In-Law Day
Better to have an in-law than outlaw. He gave his daughter to you, appreciate where she came from.
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