Foolsh Times August 2018

August 2018

I did the math.

We can’t afford the cat.

Badfinger Coming to BaconFest » Pg. 12 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

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B

ACON EER ANDS

Sunday

Saturday

JIM LAUDERDALE

BADFINGER Featuring Joey Molland

ILLUSION

TOM AYRES

tribute to Stevie Nicks &

and the Shortcomings

ALARMA

Fleetwood Mac CAR SHOW BOTH DAYS

ERIC STEPHEN BOCKS & Friends

Monterey Fairgrounds 11 am - 5 pm

August 11 - 12, 2018

Tickets: MontereyBaconFest.com

$12 advance $15 gate Military/Seniors/Children $7 advance $10 gate Family Pass 2 Adults and up to 4 children $30 advance $40 gate Children 5 and younger are free al Speci I. P. V. Adult et Tick

B

ACON OURBON EER

12 CHEFS

"THE ULTIMATE BACON EXPERIENCE" SATURDAY ONLY 12 – 3 PM 12 CHEFS and HOSTED BAR $60 ADVANCE

$80 GATE

Ticket includes grounds admission

Chef

Tony Baker

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool........................Susie Q. Art Fool......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool.....................Jonah Dee

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, Sali, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks August is an exciting month with two great events coming to town: Bacon Fest with Badfinger headlining the first of the two days and, of course, the Monterey County Fair.

The Fair is unique because it offers more than rides, food not seen in any restaurant, great concerts and games where you can win the opportunity to walk around all day with a goldfish in a plastic bag.

If you pick the Fair as a first date and she is willing to see you again, marry her!

I like the livestock, the crafts and floriculture competitions. Where else can you win Best of Show for a single stem of a Dahlia and the rules for best fleece in the county are so complicated we had to call in the lawyers to translate? Fleece deemed spinning quality by the judge will be sold at a special fleece auction. That’s right folks. You, too, can make your own wool. This is a reason to mark your social calendar.

Getting a timely response from friends and colleagues this time of year can be difficult.

“Sorry, Stevie P, I didn’t hear my phone ring. I was out back tending to the sheep making sure their fleece didn’t look like someone who attended Cali Roots. After that, I chased my drake around the yard to be sure he’s in competition shape. Any out of shape

bird will be disqualified and renamed ‘dinner’. I have to be sure to keep him out of the vegetable garden where I grow fern leaf parsley. What was the judge thinking last year when I was only awarded a second place ribbon? I think this person was a Small Claims Court castoff!”

This is an understandable reason to avoid communication from the outside world. These competitors show up once a year and then vanish back to their lair to toil away at finding new ways to get better. Second place is first loser. The competition is tough and the right to be Best of Show and win a possible sum of 20 dollars can be a full time job of trial and error. They have their priorities straight with an eye on the prize.

I’m excited to see Badfinger and rock out with these guys at Bacon Fest. I’m equally excited to attend the Fair to hear great music, eat food my doctor warned me about and walk through the exhibit halls to pay tribute to the dedication of the participants. I don’t care if the girl I attend with doesn’t agree with me and disappears after excusing herself to powder her nose. I’m happy to be me.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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6

Growth Spurts (or Sprouts)

By Robyn Justo

It appears that size really does matter on this planet. I had a complex for years after being bullied and teased by a mean boy in seventh grade. He would point and chant, “Pirates delight, sunken chest!!” because I didn’t have one (or two.) I was 10 years old at the time because I skipped a grade.

I was tiny and had not sprouted.

Twenty some years later I found out that he had carried a torch for my small frame at the time and that’s how he showed it. Go figure, pun intended.

My Mom was always a knockout with an hourglass physique and got her 17 inch waist back shortly after popping me out.

But after going through some serious health issues and gaining a lot of weight, an old “friend” saw

her and was shocked and asked, “WHAT happened to YOU?” Mom, with her typical quick comebacks, scowled and retorted, “I sucked on an air hose!”

I mean, who asks that kind of question? I find it interesting that no one asks why we get taller as we are growing up.

“Hey, you were 4’2” a few years ago…WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?” Maybe when we stop growing taller we have the option of growing out.

I was dating a guy a long time ago who asked me (after I had gained just a few pounds), “I’m not going to wake up with Sally Struthers, am I?” My feelings were really hurt, but I bit my tongue because I wanted to

say, “Keep talking, Mister, and you won’t wake up at all!”

I’ve been able to morph most of my life. If I gain a few, I have been able to knock them off pretty quickly until I get comments like, “You’re wasting away” which typically means you look like an anorexic. Have some pasta.

I find it interesting that no one asks why we get taller as we are growing up.

Then the opposite occurs, waisting away to the butterball effect, which means that it’s time to join a gym and get serious. Re-gain the waist and lose the weight!

I don’t know about you, but at this age if there is one thing I haven’t lost it’s my modesty. I don’t want to see a lot of older naked bodies in the whirlpools or traipsing to the showers at the gym. Granted I live near Santa Cruz now so things are a lot looser (in many ways) and I don’t want to see it and I don’t want to show it.

So in my old age, I guess I don’t understand this new age. It’s supposed to be about acceptance and it’s not.

A different ex-boyfriend, who is still a good friend even after making a comment that I looked

like a linebacker in a distorted video tape (and yes, I let him live) saw me recently in my back-to-thebutterball stage.

“You look great!” he said. “Better with a little more weight because it makes you look younger.” Was that a compliment?

As we grow in life (up, out, inwardly, spiritually), we will change. We begin as a little cell and the process doesn’t ever stop until we drop or pop this skin suit no matter what size it is at the time.

As a seed we grow to a tree with limbs. We sprout fruit (or breasts) and later we lose a few leaves. Who really cares?

It’s nature, but I’m still keeping the fig leaf for now. Hopefully they come in large.

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their bottom with an iPad.

7

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The tarp and sprinkler is a great idea! So what if you get a few burns and scrapes, nothing a little back-teen can’t sooth. Remember those younger days of combustible energy? You still got it! What matters is you took a gamble, followed a stream, infused a scheme with your enthusiasm. You want to make a music video out of it - do it! Art standards are at a high low.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull BREATHE! It’s hard staying in your center when you are being popped by arrows. Your stoic pride leads into the querencia, not the picnic at the park you envisioned, but the differencia is you can take this punishment in stride!

Remember every prick has a new lesson to offer.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are a surgically precise barista when it comes to gathering a misto for a summer pool party. Don’t be a drip so remember the sensitive types, usually the water signs. Your social butterfly-ism may make them feel as if they are at a coffee drive thru. It’s a shot in the dark but if you can begin diffracting your auroral aura you will allow ALL to shine. You will be as good as gold! Maybe even Doppio!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Toddle barefoot through the grass before you self-destruct. Go on.

Big lesson here for Big Crabby is to recognize Big hidden anger inside.

(Can affect digestive process and or can chip paint off a Webber.)

Relax and Imagine a blade of grass

a rope for the Limbo shuffle, rub your legs together with the crickets, rummage with the lady bugs and connect the dots, and watch how the ants use moxie. Elect your rage to be your proxy.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion You stand out even when taking a nap under a Poppy shade tree!

Though your act of fearlessness needs no rehearsal, Thou must practice courage in speaking up and catching it before the roar erupts and brings the family tree down. Euphemistic society can make you go ballistic when all you are trying to do is keep things real.

Oh you are real alright, Happy Birthday!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It’s time to take your skivvies off and join the nudist camp dampness. Sketching the flowers in the community garden is a great temporary cover-up, but what about when you get to the roots? Your underbelly is shaking.

You have committed yourself to shedding some self-consciousness around your organic structure.

Our primitive society continues to categorize what IS the proper integument. Make this your effort free zone, do as the Gladiolus do, dangle in splendor.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You buried your friend in the sand! After that duplicitous insidiousness, who can blame you Libby. That 2 faced son of a … okay let’s not spiral … Here’s what ya gotta do; deal intuitively with the other’s emotions, and consider their point of view, even if from your perspective it looks to be straight up a horse’s ass.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Skipping stones at Lake Caspian is a good tempered next step back from dominating others. The little stone will do as you say and won’t hit back. How many bounces will determine your ultimate trust in the mystery of the universe.

If it goes kurplinkiss, consider it a symbol of your wariness and suspicion then retrieve it, mortar and pestle it back into dust. Centering your power can be festal while coming down off the pedestal.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer The saggy roof of conventionality finally bore a hole through to the night sky — it’s just like sleeping in your own back yard. So what if you stripped the shingles off your roof to use as fish scales on your new avant-guard painting. You are clearing creative blockages mon ami! You have formed the bridge between human and beast, so I think you can probably make your way out from under the couch!~ Use your hoof to hook the coffee table and tug!~ Come out, Come out wherever you are...

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Water balloons are perfect for a disciplined goat like you. Your basic concern is for security and they are just the opposite in their illusive solidity. Their squishy and mushy way about them evoke the cartoon in you. So chillax, there is no hidden tax in a flash of joy. Try the assorted colored ones that look like Big FAT jelly beans.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Liberation! Build a sand castle and see each grain of sand as a thought you’ve had. Behold the glorious construction and then pour your bucket of water to soften the icy intellectualism. Bucket No. 2 will be for taking sips of knowledge for seeing yourself as energy. It is essential for you to live not only in your mind, but also in the heart of an artichoke. This way your heart can join the garden of even.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes RIGHT ON! High levels of taste Thunderstorm on the coast and you’ve gone fishing! You are gumption Pie PI! Leave the school behind and let them find their own way this time. You know your way into Oneness is full speed ahead!

You have turned inside the tides to view the sand glass from all sides, and still it takes time to know time.

But once you have boarded your ship of purpose, the porpoises help you step out of time. You have reconnected with your celestial longitude. You’re a Smash Splash!

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

8

Karma A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.

You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “ That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little

place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him.

He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained

the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!

They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Who messed up your hair?”

You Gotta Chuckle!

“Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

Someone asked an old man, “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

Pharmacist to customer, “Sir, please understand, to buy an antidepression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing a marriage certificate and your wife’s picture is not enough!

Cool message by a wife: Dear mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

9 When a married man says, “I will think about it” - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

Murphy’s Other 15 Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90 percent probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are

putting yourself in the hands of 12 people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Perks of being over 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run— anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

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10

Adventures at the Friends of the Library

By Sali

The day I learned that a book from my bookcase that my dad loaned out to a friend would never be returned, I knew I was on a quest. I pleaded for years for a status update. “Just ask.”

In my experience, when things were loaned out, they were returned broken and damaged, with an explanation, “It didn’t work.” Or, they were lost, stolen, misplaced and never returned at all. Sometimes, there was no acknowledgement of the requested and reluctantly loaned object.

Decades passed with never any offer to replace or repay an expensive digital camera. Most recently, the whereabouts of the

book was summed up by the borrower as follows: “Why do you want old stuff?” with a follow-up comment that it was thrown out.

I learned more about the book trying to find an online seller. I found sites with the description and “sold out.” I found a website titled, Chinese American Homestyle Cooking, dedicated to the cookbook, which explained the history of the book, first published in 1966 by the Women’s Society of Christian Service of the St. Mark’s United Methodist Church in Stockton, Calif. Treasured Recipes from Two Cultures–American and Chinese became a beloved, trusted family cookbook. By coincidence,

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

after emailing my father’s 101 year old cousin, she mentioned that she could not find her copy of the same cookbook. She described the book as containing “many down-home, Cantonese soul food” recipes.

I planned to drive to Stockton where I thought it might be found: Friends of the Stockton Public Library Bookstore. It is unbearably hot during the summer and is about a six hour round trip journey from my home. People thought I was crazy. Upon arriving, I realized that I had not been to the store for over a decade. I used to walk there from my grandmother’s. I looked on the shelves of loose leaf cookbooks. There were three copies of the cookbook related to the Stockton Symphony and one from Junior Women’s Group, Pioneer Museum and Haggin Galleries of Stockton, Calif., published in 1974.

I looked through the entire area of cookbook shelves three times. The yellow and red covered cookbook with Chinese and American classic dishes was not to be found.

I decided on the Symphony book and the one related to the Haggin galleries. I bought three Scottish cookbooks, never having visited Scotland or eaten at a Scottish restaurant, yet being a fan

of detective novels which are set there, I thought I could try the food and dishes the fictional characters would know.

Upon returning home, I started to scour the local friends of the library stores. I visited the Friends of the Salinas Public Library store in the John Steinbeck library building. I went to the Marina Library and then realized the full store was at a different location and closing in under an hour.

Not wanting to rush, I took a book marker with the hours and planned to go earlier on another day. Friends of the Marina Library bookstore is well organized with a relaxed atmosphere and has a section on local topics, and reasonable prices. Unfortunately, my visits to the two Monterey County friend’s bookstores did not yield the red and yellow covered cookbook.

To see donated books and other items like greeting cards and artwork being sold to help local libraries lifts the spirit. Some people may not value books (and many other things) and think that they are garbage to be thrown out if they are old, but those people are not going to get me down. I have a renewed appreciation of all those donors out there, who take care of things and pass them on to others in good condition. A trip to drop off used books and other things to charity shops may take a little time, effort and energy, but it is worth it.

It restores my hope in humanity, and I know I am not alone in this feeling.

Smoking will kill you … bacon will kill you … but, smoking bacon will cure it.

Answers on page 24

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12

BADFINGER felt that the band was getting a little light.

They were an R&B band in Swansea when they started and they didn’t want to be known as just a pop band so I came in to offer a more rock-and-roll sound.

“We got a little

Imagine a bloke from Liverpool named Paul McCartney walking into your home to hand over a song to record that would reach number four on the UK charts in 1970 and find similar success here in the U.S. This was the start of the band Badfinger, formerly the Iveys. The band was named after Badfinger Boogie. The original title for With A Little Help from My Friends from the Beatles album, Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Guitarist Joey Molland is the sole surviving member of the legendary lineup. He brings his band to Monterey to headline at Bacon Fest August 11, at the Monterey Fairgrounds. Badfinger is touring and playing the entire Straight Up album and all the other hits that are still bouncing around in your head all these years.

Promoter Dan Miller is thrilled.

“I’m thrilled,” said Miller.

Badfinger has been called a Power Pop band. We asked Joey want that meant to him. “It’s very complimentary but it doesn’t mean that much. I enjoyed what the band did. The band started out in Swansea, Wales and over the next few years, two members left and had to be replaced. I was one of two new band members from Liverpool. I joined the band in 1969.

“It was always a two guitar band and Peter couldn’t play lead guitar and sing at the same time.

They started to write songs in the previous two years and they

friendly with the Beatles. They were a generation ahead of us as far as being musicians. I was a big fan of the Beatles so it was hard to think of them as friends. They played on some of our records.”

Badfinger also played with George Harrison at the Concert for Bangladesh at Madison Square Garden in 1971 in New York City. This was the first ever humanitarian effort ever by rock bands to bring awareness and raise relief funds for global issues.

Badfinger enjoyed the kind of success in England and America that most other bands could only envy. Touring was very different from today.

“We used to pull a few seats out of a Greyhound Bus and screw some bunks in it and that was life on the road. We did 60 gigs in 90 days. It was great, just playing every day. We didn’t go crazy like a lot of bands. My wife traveled on the road with me. Kathie and I had a great life together.”

During this time, the band was

plagued with bad management who paid the band a small monthly salary while essentially stealing the rest of the band’s money. Other tragedies struck the band when Apple Recording Studio dissolved, with the breakup of the Beatles and the tragic suicides of guitarist Peter Hams in 1975 and bass player Tom Evans in 1983.

In 1977, American singer Harry Nilsson had a number one single Without You co-written by Peter Ham and Tom Evans.

Paul McCartney gave this song the highest compliment calling this ballad, “The killer song

of all time.” The song also found success with Air Supply and Mariah Carey.

The band seemed to disappear for a brief time.

“In 1974 I left the band.

I didn’t see us getting anywhere, the managers was ruthless. They were skinning us alive.”

Fast forward to 2018.

Promoter Dan Miller is excited to bring Badfinger to Monterey.

“I’m excited to bring Badfinger to Monterey,” said Miller. Molland is equally excited to be coming here.

“I’m excited to come to Monterey and looking forward to the people coming out. The new guys in the band sing like birds.”

Straight Up is their most popular album full of strong melodies, insightful lyrics and deep emotion. The album was originally released in 1971, re-released in 1993 and remastered in 2010.

“There seems to be a trend for bands to play a whole album. Fans get to hear the more popular songs and hear the other songs they maybe don’t know. People who like this album will really enjoy the show. The songs lend themselves to extended play and we rock. We’ve been playing to enthusiastic audiences everywhere we go.

“We do the ballads and stuff. We get into the thick of it at the end of the show. I’m also in the studio working with John Hudson who produced albums for Aerosmith and Ozzie Osbourne. The new stuff sounds great but we won’t be playing any of it in Monterey.”

Badfinger is still fortunate to get substantial radio play and on television. A whole new generation of music fans discovered the band when Baby Blues was used in the final episode of cult drama Breaking Bad. No Matter What is currently used on a Comcast XFinity commercial.

At 71 years old, Joey

Molland is still rocking. “I would like people to think good thoughts about me and my life in the music world. I want my family to be good, my kids to be good. There are a lot of great musicians out there. God bless them all. I still wear size 30 waisted pants and my hair is a little shorter. But I still have it.”

BODY FUNCTION FOLLIES

By Mary Tompsett

Okay class, settle down and spit out the gum. Today we’ll look at BFF, or Body Function Follies.

And y’all have a circus of them going on as you read this. That’s assuming you’re still alive, creating mucus and sloughing off skin cells, instead of piled inside an overpriced urn stashed in a nephew’s tool shed while the family fights over who has to sprinkle you in the bug-infested northwoods.

Then again, the kid might just toss you in the neighbor’s compost and repurpose the urn as a cookie jar.

We’ll skip the body noises of burps, although belching big ones at will is a body trick I’ve proudly performed at key moments. And we’ll not cover stomach growling either. Gotta say, that sound would make a fun ring tone. Maybe there’s an app for it? But that would require me to actually get

a Smartphone and give up my cheapie model, slightly better than Dixie cups and a long string.

Some body functions are quiet, like good neighbors. On the other hand, we have the party animals like the sneeze and the orgasm.

We’ll not cover stomach growling either. Gotta say, that sound would make a fun ring tone.

Two very different functions that also share a few common traits: 1. Changing body posture and facial expression.

2. Eyes shut at the big moment.

3. Generally detectable by all but the most clueless humans.

4. We often say different, but

predictable, phrases during either one.

5. May be a single event, or multiples. Faking is an option.

We grow up learning very different social protocols when either function is in play. What could happen if we mix everything up? Well, I have thoughtfully prepared a couple of examples. To make it more fun for those of you who think you’re already pretty darn good at handling such BFF, the examples do not tell you if the event is a sneeze or an orgasm. You decide, and let the circus music begin!

Example: In a crowded elevator, you feel one coming, so you... a) grimace and get ready to muffle it against your arm b) yell, “Oh my god, yes yes oh baby that’s good!” c) say, “My goodness, excuse me”

13 afterward. If no one says “God bless you,” try mumbling “Ooh, ooh, I feel another one coming.”

Example: Your partner/spouse is cranking out multiples. No, not in the elevator. At home, maybe the kitchen or front porch. How would you respond when you’re bored and want to change the channel? a) “Wow! A new record, sweetheart!

Okey dokey, that’s enough.” b) Fake a huge one yourself, and then say, “Hold on, I usually do three in a row.” c) Dial 911 and press the OPEN DOOR button. (Wait a second!

How’d we get back in that elevator?)

Your homework assignment is to try out new responses in real life. My research team will be contacting you with a follow-up survey. OMG! God bless and I hope this article was as good for you as it was for me. Got a cigarette, honey?

Oh, right, I quit years ago. How about a sandwich….

Mary Tompsett © 2018

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14

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15

"FUNNY BOOKS" SO MUCH! COMIC CON RETURNS TO MONTEREY...

NOT

Story, Pix ‘n’ Layout by Dana B. Larrabee!

With Special Thanks to Tierra and Gabriel Cortés

The eerie watercolors of Xavier’s Builtfromsketch

Once considered sub-literary, “comics” have matured into respectability as “graphic novels” due to the creativity of artwork and stories shaping the medium since the the 1930’s. There are still what we used to call “funny books” featuring cartoon characters in gag situations. But today’s Con events seem dominated by a darker side; zombies, sword and sorcery, vampires, gross-out space aliens and super heroes with attitude.

Not that I’m complaining! They’re Previously I’d attended jammarvelously executed and printed. packed events like the 1990 Pricey, though...The ones I bought Wonder-Con in Oakland and ranged from $3.50 to 14.95. I did the Salinas Fantasy and Comic get a deal from B.Alex Thompson, Con 2014, where getting quality the gutsy entrepreneurial writer- one-on-one time with artists publisher behind “Approbation was difficult at best. So, I was Comics” when I bought two and pleasantly surprised by the widegot one free! open spaces afforded this event Thompson founded his company enabling unhurried conversations on a shoestring back in 1992, with creators like Scott and Dejon publishing his classic “Chaos Weldon, the husband-wife duo who Campus” and “Vampires Unlimited” publish “Harlan Buck, FreeSword” series. When I asked for his best out of Weldon Studios in Santa work to purchase, he brought out Cruz. One unique thing Scott does the “Blood, Shells and Roses” book to grow readership, is to leave off he created jointly with Ant’juan volume numbers from his covers.

“Phantom” Avri.

There were plenty of booths selling action figures and art from Cosplay comic book “faves” and a “Star participants in their elaborate Trek” area packed with photos outfits... and memorabilia from the original 1966 NBC series along with more recent TV and big screen re-boots.

Ace Continuado’s was the first art experienced, giant-sized on the welcoming signage out front.

Continuado is the remarkable Salinas talent behind “Super Action Man” and whose work also appears in “Shattered, Volume 2, Secret Identities.”

Loved those A wonderful discovery were the McVengers! delicately eerie and whimsically

Ace Continuado

James (!) and Justin Kucsulain

Dejon and Scott Weldon, Weldon Studios

Scott Koblish

B. Alex Thompson

macabre watercolors of the animation-trained artist Xavier’s BuiltfromSketch. If Xavier ever develops a cohesive narrative to accompany them, it would be a ground-breaking graphic novel masterpiece. Check out his art at www.builtfromsketch.com Also on hand, action actor Justin Kucsulain who appeared as “Ethan” in early “Walking Dead” episodes and a featured role in Marvel’s “Iron Man 3.” He and his lovely wife James (teased about her name nearly as often as myself for Dana) were on hand to help promote his upcoming WWI flick, “Kilroy Was Here” due out next year.

Originals by Ace Continuado

All this plus Super Sonic Speed Dating (hook up with an otherworldly sweetheart!), Geek Fashion Show, gamers’ section and a well-participated-in Cosplay contest for cash and prizes added to the fun.

Kudos and thanks to organizer Sheldon Birch and his dedicated volunteer crew for bringing this super event back to Monterey!

Editor’s Note: Watch for the serialized version of Larrabee’s own illustrated novella starting in Foolish Times January, 2019. Details revealed in our Fall issues!

16

By Daria James

All is fair in war, if you are in love.

Well, everybody, it has happened to me once again, that unusual feeling, the bitter taste of failure.

Not going to waste your time with details, but know that I am no longer down. Which I was. I was down, but I was not out. I was defeated but my spirit was not broken. Sure, my ego was bruised, I was physically in pain and I wanted to break something, but I did not. After all, I am civilized. I went back to my room and dealt with my pain by drinking some beer and eating some food. It did not work and I felt fat on top of it. A fat loser, it was the worst of times.

Remember when Tom Brady was too slow and did not catch the ball at the Superbowl? Well, now I know how he felt. Sometimes we give our all and we come up a bit short, like losing a race by a millisecond, a blink of an eye here! Argh! #$%^&!!!

Gloria Gaynor cannot be the only one who survives. I am the eye of the tiger.

of the tiger, I have been training again, and I have been feeling aliver! (That’s a word! like more alive: aliver!)

It is important to learn from our losses. I have learned that I do not like losing, and I will do anything in my power to avoid it (do not let your imagination wander too far here, people. I have morals and medium standards sometimes).

Nevertheless, I dust myself off and I move on. You also have to be the best at losing, be gracious about it. How we deal with the circumstances says everything about us.

One time I was playing Monopoly with my husband and he took everything from me. I flipped the board and walked away. Later when he got in bed I pushed him off. Not my proudest moment and perhaps I could have handled the situation a little better if he had been a tactful winner, but no, he had to mock me and gloat with his pompous attitude. Nevertheless, I am a lady and remediated the situation by donating the game to a thrift store, and never purchasing it again.

So, there you have it. I am human, I make mistakes, but I do not stay sad for long. Oh no, not I.

Nevertheless, I will persevere.

Gloria Gaynor cannot be the only one who survives. I am the eye

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By Debbie Harris

17

The Art of WORRY

I’ve heard it said that worry is using your imagination to visualize something you don’t want. With some people, it’s a developed skill, a craft, an art form. My mother has been known to create an elaborate mental mural of worry, with the colors of disaster, grief, horror, suffering, pain, a little bit of blood, and a few moans. The whole story board is included. If I look up worry in a dictionary, there is a picture of my mother biting her lip. To her, to care is to worry.

Love means never having a calm digestive system. She tries to be calmer now, but I think she has an enlarged worry gene. She’s a default worrier.

I recently discovered the term ‘chillax’, a combination of ‘chill out’ and ‘relax.’

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had many troubles in my life, most of which never happened.” The average person takes health tests, figuring the test will reveal if something is wrong. Worriers take health tests assuming they have a horrible, life-threatening condition . . . until someone tells them otherwise.

The “call me when you get there”

request came about because of parental worry. Parents presume that their child will not arrive safely at their intended destination until they know for sure it happened. My mother still wants me to call her when I get there— when I drive to Southern California to visit my grandchildren.

Kids having cell phones helps the default worriers. Worrying parents can text or call to check up on their kids, helping to ease their concern. But heaven help the child who doesn’t answer the call or respond to the text promptly. Then the worrying parental imagination goes into overdrive. They visualize their child unconscious, in a ditch, unable to answer their cell phone.

“Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.” (Glenn Turner) and it wears you out. By the time the parent finds out the child is ok, s/he has bitten off three fingernails and has dialed “9-1” and is waiting with finger poised over the “1” in case it’s needed. When the child is determined to be fine, the parent is exhausted, relieved... and angry at the child. “You made me worry!!”

I’m not immune to the worry factor. Whenever I call either of my non-driving parents and they don’t answer the phone, my worry

imagination takes over and I start creating possibilities as to why they didn’t answer the phone. It starts out with being at an appointment, at a neighbor’s, outside getting fresh air; then it goes sequentially to increasingly disastrous “fallen and I can’t get up” scenarios. “Don’t borrow trouble,” I have to remind myself. I may have inherited the gene.

With all that worry, it’s no wonder that there has been a backlash—a movement to reduce worry. Bobby McFerrin did his part with his song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” In the last 20 years, the phrase “no worries” has gained popularity. That sounds nicer than “chill out,” a phrase previously used with worriers to get them to cool their jets. I recently discovered the term “chillax,” a combination of “chill out” and “relax.” The pushback against worry continues.

Well, it looks like I’m at the end of the article. But maybe I don’t have enough words . . . or maybe I have too many. Does it need another edit? Did I make my point clearly?

With humor? Sigh. No worries.

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the dog!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: Why are dogs like phones?

A: Because they have collar IDs. Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?

A: A shampoodle!

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

A: Ruff!

Q: What do you call a dog that is left handed?

A: A south paw!

Q: What did one flea say to the other?

A: Should we walk or take a dog?

Q: What type of markets do dogs avoid?

A: Flea markets!

Q: What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?

A: Well, doggone!

18 Stacy: Sounds like my editor.

Matthew: Comedy makes the bullshit bearable.

By Stacy Lininger

Meet Matthew Arnett Stacy: So, who did you vote for governor?

Matthew: I hope this isn’t going to be a political interview?

Stacy: Would you prefer religion?

Matthew: LOL. I go to the same church Bill Maher attends.

Stacy: Great wine selection.

Maher is about as political as it gets.

Matthew: I love funny people.

The process of comedy. I was a sit down comedian for 20 years on the radio. Doing a new show five days a week.

Stacy: I remember. I was managing bands then. Remember when I brought Buddy Miles in for an interview and he fell asleep?

Matthew: Nodded out. His chin hit his chest and woke him up.

He passed out in mid sentence, woke up and finished what he was saying like nothing happened. I edited the tape and it made perfect sense. I just don’t think he knew he passed out…like, for him, it never happened.

Stacy: How is comedy a process?

Matthew: The process…is different for everyone…but often anger used as fuel leads to the best comedy, but it isn’t always conducive to the workplace. The anchor of your comedy TV/radio show isn’t always “great in the hallways.”

Stacy: What does comedy contribute to society?

Matthew: There is an entire generation of people who get their news from The Daily Show. John Oliver takes his bits and turns them into political action. But, in general, comedy helps people get through the day.

Stacy: Have people resorted to “getting through the day?”

Matthew: Everyone is getting through the day. The work-a-days people. I did morning radio in New Jersey. A lot of those people needed to vent every morning.

Stacy: Is political correctness the problem?

Matthew: Sometimes. When you break through those walls is when the comedy starts.

Stacy: So it’s a necessity, like water. You have helped me realize, comedy is a necessity not a luxury.

Matthew: Says the writer for Foolish Times.

Stacy: Says the sit down comic!

Matthew: I miss it, The Sit Down Comic Radio Show. Thinking I am going to reboot my career online.

Stacy: Where CAN we find you these days?

Matthew: MAMA on Facebook, Matthew Arnett Marketing & Advertising. Need advertising? Ask MAMA. Also, I have a Matthew in the Morning Facebook page. It includes old show and interview bits. I will be putting new material on there as well.

Stacy: That is a page I will be checking out. Thanks for helping to keep comedy journalism alive, Matthew.

Stacy: So comics are pioneers?

Matthew: Comedy is a great communication tool, always has been.

Stacy: Maybe comedy surpasses the bullshit.

Matthew: I just left a job in part because the owner and her business manager had no sense of humor. Made going to work awful.

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.

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It’s difficult for me to post inspirational Tweets because my blood type is B Negative.

19

By Lily Brun

Flower Power The renowned philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Earth laughs in flowers.” Oh my. If he were alive today he would hear the earth howling, chuckling, tittering and cackling. Flowers, those beautiful bursts of joy, have taken hold as body art — not in the Eve, of Adam and Eve, sort of way — but as a decorative fashion statement.

There’s a new garden-themed trend that elevates brows … that’s eye brows … to new levels of elegance. Well, maybe not elegance, but certainly whimsical stylish art.

This wacky brow mania raises the bar on natural beauty to all new levels, that is just not natural at all.

Here’s how it works. Rest assured, no one is using real flowers or dirt or bugs or grass clippings or anything tangible from a garden. This new movement is all a garden illusion. The tiny flowers glued atop brows tinted green to look like grass are fake. Some garden brow designers even add tiny butterflies or other bug-like stick-ons to enhance the nature vibe that’s going on. They’re fake too.

As a gardener, I’m bemused by the effort it takes to create mini fake gardens on a forehead. I’m just thinking that planting a real garden of flowers might make a lot more sense in the long term, bringing longer lasting joy and satisfaction.

I like having dirt on my brow.

After a day in the garden, I quite often have smudges of grime on more than just my forehead. Sweat on my brow, which makes crazy rivulets as it drips through the dirt on my face, comes from hard work and effort, two things that have to happen for a garden to succeed.

I’ve even have a brow ditch … no, I’m not referring to wrinkles on my forehead, but a drainage

ditch that I dug in my yard. I’m not particularly high brow about gardening. It is, after all, mostly about getting dirty, but this new fad did cause my eyebrows to go up.

You might ask how it became a trend. Social media.

Yes, the all powerful, social networking engine that drives much of what becomes popular, fashionable, in vogue and soughtafter is to blame. Evidently, a social media maven came up with the idea of building fairly like gardens accenting her eyes. Apparently, she has a penchant for decorative eyebrows. She upped her social media followers when she created Christmas tree brows with a tag line, “Spread Christmas joy via your face.” Could this replace the infamous ugly Christmas sweater madness that takes hold during the holiday season? We’ll see.

Anyway, of course seasons change, so eyebrows must too. I’m not sure what comes after spring flowers, but if you’re as fascinated by this as I am, check out #gardenbrows on Instagram. It’s an eye-opening, eyebrow raising glimpse of self-expression.

I’m not judging mind you. I think anything that showcases something near and dear to my heart — a garden — has merit.

As a flower child of the 60s, I’m old enough to have proudly worn a daisy chain of blossoms in my hair and know all the lyrics to the class 1967 song, Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair. Trends come and go, but there’s always a “whole generation with a new explanation.”

I dig that.

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas. There are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free.”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.

“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year.”

Tony and Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

20

By Rex Keyes It is amazing the words we use in the English vocabulary. For instance we use very nice words for something that describes something that is not quite so nice.

Take the word restroom. Is it really a restroom? A person goes in there to do their duty and then leaves.

If it were a restroom there should be a couch, a lounge chair with magazines and newspapers and maybe a 52 inch TV screen. A real place where one can rest.

But there are even a lot more names for a “restroom” that make the facility sound pleasant. One is from the French language called the “loo.” It can be used in a fancy restaurant like, “Excuse me I’m going to the loo.” One of your friends may later say, “Oh, I didn’t

know you spoke French.” There are other names that come down to the use of the common folk. One word is “the John” used by sailors in olden days as to the location of a toilet on a boat. Then there is “the can” used by construction workers.

In this case, a toilet was within a closed small hut with a large can below it. The large can would be removed, the contents emptied and then replaced. This is still in use today. In the Army the word for toilet is latrine, maybe because in the olden days with so many troops they dug narrow long ditches for the troops to use and called it a latrine.

Then there was the word “outhouse” not used much today but a lot in old western days. When

people lived in cabins they did not want a toilet in the cabin because of the fumes. Don’t forget there was no flushing of toilets in those days.

So they built a little house away from the cabin where one could go, therefore the name “out house.”

And we still have outhouses. Go

In this case, a toilet was within a closed small hut with a large can below it. to a special outdoor event and you will see these outhouses brought in for the use of the public.

Also there is the word lavatory but I haven’t heard anyone use that word in ages especially when

ZUCCHINI

August is all about ….

PIZZA

Answers on pg 24

Augustus Caesar Watermelon Smile Peridot Sardonyx Gladiolus Elvis Presley Mount Vesuvius Leo Virgo Sirius Dog Days Summer Dream Speech Pompeii

they are with other people. Finally there is the word “bathroom.” A bathroom should just be a room for taking baths but just about everyone uses it very commonly to mean that they are not going to take a bath but going there for another purpose. Yeah, one has friends over and one says, “Excuse me I’m going to the bathroom.” Do your friends believe that they just came over to visit and now you decide to take a bath? No, no, no, they know the real reason you’re leaving and that is because Mother Nature is calling and you better respond or else she’ll be very cruel.

I thought about bringing the subject of renaming all our lavatories to the Monterey Board of Supervisors. I think though that the HEAD supervisor would think that subject would be POO POO and that the board would FLUSH it or DUMP it down the drain.

BITES

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• 3 zucchini, cut into 1/4-inch thick rounds • 1/3 cp marinara sauce • 1/2 cp grated mozzarella • 1/4 cp pepperoni minis • 1 tbs olive oil • 1 tsp Italian seasoning • Salt and Pepper

TH E BUSKING LIFE - Back in the Gutter, Chasing Windmills

By Michael Houston

Let us take a moment to ignore the fact that the world is in a state of utter chasis/caos/chaos and celebrate life itself in all its forms from the depth of our toe nails and bowls to the crowns of our heads!

Couture Open your eyes to street market pageants of enlightened consumerism. Body types in every imaginable type of raiment pass by wearing or not wearing Sunday-go-to-meeting or hip-hop beach fashions. Must be coming back from Blues in the Park, a jazz festival, or some place where the water is less Antarctic.

Summer days in Monterey are for celebrating diversity and tolerance. That and erratic weather!

Exuberance is the rule of the day.

Bad taste is the norm. Speak for yourself, Mick. Joy itself the only rule. We are not the sort of people who critique mismatched socks.

Safe at Home in the Streets Still, we, such as us is, live in an age when even personal security, seems transient and not just in social media. Stop whining about getting unfriended! Think psychophysically, one never knows when a maiming or humiliating

attack may come, be it self-inflicted or by others, significant or not.

There he goes again, old and paranoiac. As a gifted mandolin player once said, “We know not the day or the hour when an assassin will mistake one’s sustainable, if not reusable, coffee cup for a tip jar and do-us-in with a radioactive toxin from the cold war era!”

Wear a shaving bowl on your head and a steel/ foil breast plate at all times!

Find safety in the farmers markets. Everything there is protective and life extending. There the fruit, talisman, potion, and edibles vendors are safe within their stalls, tents and surrounded by admirers. And the lowly busker?

We are protected by their wellhoned defense minds and fortified by years of various levels of selfrevelatory rejections.

Inquiring minds ask, “Is the public safe from these musicians who hide behind our Second Amendment right to a well ordered militia and refuse to form a

marching band?” Yes and no. The Dixie outlandish group did perform in the Fourth of July parade while the rest of us just hope you won’t tread on us. As we say, “Live free and don’t die, and those what don’t like us can leave us alone.”

Self-defense, not wisdom, is a basic human right. Don Quixote got it right. Launch out to defend the weak, true love and the Spanish crown. My apologies to Catalonians and Basques. Like Boys Scout, street musicians, and Don Quixote, we must be prepared against cyber and nuclear attacks. Wear a shaving bowl on your head and a steel/foil breast plate at all times!

Use the terrain and ecology. At

the market you have stampeding hordes to sweep your enemies before you. Me, I have forager kids playing with the maracas, my bulwark of music cases, and a guitar as a non-bulletproof vest.

Stay safe, hit the markets, be creative like Don Quixote, and to heck with the consequences.

Embrace life with all its street pizza’s, but don’t slip on one!

Don Quixote and Sancho gave each other facials with the stuff in Chapter III. Go chase your windmills if you dare, and spend more time at the library or beach doing your summer reading. I recommend Cervantes.

My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

21

22 Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Smarter Than You Think Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “18 feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Q: What do you get when you turn three blondes upsidedown?

A: Two brunettes.

Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer?

A: “ I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...”

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locked the keys in her car.

I started wearing skinny jeans because they’re fashionable and I was tired of my wife respecting me as a man.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-air Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws?

A. Practice

Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

Q. How do blond brain cells die?

A. Alone.

By Ted Gargiulo

BROKEN

To an only-kid/only-nephew/onlygrandson, Auntie Tal was like my birthday, Halloween and Christmas all rolled together. She was fun, she was flaky, and she loved me to pieces. Eight years my mom’s senior, she showered me with a zany, high-octane attention I rarely received from other adults. In me, my Aunt discovered the child she herself couldn’t have—the childhood her tyrannical father never allowed her to enjoy.

I tell you, that woman had THE shrillest, most riotous cackle this side of the Rain Forest. Practically anything I said or did would send her into hysterics. Once she let loose, all sanity flew out the window. What a hoot! Who else could call me “Twirp” or “Eeepshkee-laah” and get away with it?

Only Tal could have invented a game like “Boo!” The rules were so simple, even this dumb Eeepshkee-laah could follow them. We’d rest our heads on the kitchen table, close our eyes and pretend to sleep. I’d lift my head and yell “Boo!” Tal would awaken and act startled. Then we’d go back to sleep; Tal would call “Boo!” and I would feign surprise. Thus it went, back and forth, until we tired of “Boo!” and found some other creative pastime, like slapping the table. My mom thought we were screwy.

Back then, our bond was magical, the world was still new and I could do no wrong.

Figures, I had to mess things up somehow. Till now, I’d never seen my aunt lose her temper, never imagined her capable of

The thing that bothers me the most about doctors in our community is that they give you an appointment six weeks ahead, then when they examine, then they ask, “Why did you wait so long to see me?”

anger. Then one day this little jackass decided to take “Boo!” to a whole new level and unleashed something that wasn’t in the rules.

Heck, I only wanted to have fun, not send the poor woman to the nuthouse.

I stood in the hallway outside the bathroom door, waiting for Tal to come out. I wanted to surprise her. Soon as the door opened, I belted out the loudest “BOO!!!” my 6-year-old lungs could muster. Suddenly, Auntie Tal transformed into someone, or something, I didn’t recognize.

She yelped, staggered backward, then ROARED like a sea captain:

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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“Teddy, you scared the hell out of me, don’t ever do that again!!!”

I was petrified, aghast at what had happened. And extremely sorry! Heck, I only wanted to have fun, not send the poor woman to the nuthouse. You can believe I never pulled a stunt like that again!

What could be worse than seeing my favorite relative snap before my eyes? It was realizing that I, little Teddy the Twirp, had the power to inflict such mayhem on the adult world. Seemed I was always pushing people and situations beyond their limits. I broke toys to see how they worked. I broke them, but I couldn’t fix them. Once I’d reduced a plaything to its springs and stuffing, the magic was gone. So too, my mischievous tinkering had reduced my aunt to her proverbial stuffing. I’d violated something sacred, crossed a threshold, seen the forbidden underside of a world I thought I knew. I learned something about my aunt, and about myself, I’d have been happier not knowing.

I tried to forget what I’d witnessed, yet I couldn’t. Aunt Tal just laughed it off and put it behind her. Amazingly, she emerged unscathed, her wits and innocence intact. In a sense, she remained a child; I was the one who was broken.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

from page 10

from page 20

Answers

Answers

A woman with a savory smell of perfume took a seat beside me on MST. I asked her, “Excuse me lady do you mind if I ask you what the name of your perfume is?”

The lady responded, “It is Chanel and from Paris.”

A few minutes later I felt a silent fart.The woman looked at me and said, “What is that smell?

I said, “Garlic and it’s from Gilroy.”

Summer Baseball

By Jann Gargiulo

Summer around the farm meant family reunions. Someone in our large family was always related to someone else in our large family! I just know that as a very little girl I always thought that everyone was related somehow to us! There were first cousins: 10 children on my mom’s side, and 10 children on my dad’s side of the family. My mom had one brother who died at the age of 19, and was not married, but the rest all got married and had children. So, I got nine aunts and nine uncles from my mom’s side.

Then I got 10 aunts and 10 uncles from my dad’s side. I remembered them, but not their children!

Our family had a full baseball team already, and we had a diamond at home on the farm.

1 Hour

The story goes that my mom and her sister, Cora, would “race” to have kids. This is how it worked: when one of them got pregnant she would tell the other, and then the other would get pregnant. They were close sisters and wanted both families to grow up together so we would each be close to someone our own age. When my mom had her twelfth child Aunt Cora had twins!! My mom told my dad, “I quit!” And she did. But Aunt Cora didn’t, she went on to have 15 children! I’m not sure I could name more than three of them.

“So, what does all of this have to do with baseball,” you say. Well, I’m going to tell you. As my ol’ dad would say, “Be patient.”

Every year when we had our famous family reunions EVERYONE showed up! We had it just about anywhere one could fit enough tables for a small army to sit and eat. A place like that ususally had a baseball field. So, sometime after the males woke-

up (you know about those little nap-times after eating?) someone with a deep, loud voice would yell “baseball!” and the herds would come running. After the dust settled, everyone chose sides.

Our family had a full baseball team already, and we had a diamond at home on the farm. We practiced together many, many times. Ok, so Earl Weaver wouldn’t break down the door to draft any of us. And we didn’t have any Tony Gwyn’s, Barry Bonds or Hank Aaron’s on our team, but we were a lot more fun to watch!

When we played at home, Mom and Dad would play too, but not at the reunion. I liked to hit the ball and run the bases, but I didn’t like to play the fields ‘cause I was no Ted Williams. Plus I was a very young girly-girl! My brother, Larry, would put me out there when he needed a laugh. When the ball came my way I would throw my glove at the ball and scream!! He thought that was so funny — I did not! I was so embarrassed! But, now we have a story to tell.

Aunt Cora was no slouch when it came to baseball. When her family came to the reunion, they always wanted to play our family. I’m not sure this was what my Mom and Aunt Cora wanted when they had their little “race” with all of us kids! Still, it was always a great game! She had mostly guys (big

25 guys!) and her girls were built for playing sports.

After the baseball game, we all went back to the tables and got some watermelons from everyone’s gardens. The chit-chat about the game and the sound of the seeds being spit out was all that could be heard for about 20 minutes. It was a swell time for all of us. No one ever wanted to leave, but we all knew we had to go home. I can still remember Aunt Cora telling her family to “get moving,” as they were a long drive away. Once they all started going, everyone else wandered off as well.

We all slept great that night.

Probably the best night of sleep all year! I love family.

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

DowntownBookAndSound.com

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August 5

National Underwear Day

It’s the same day as National Beer Day. Coincidence or conspiracy?

August 9

National Book Lover’s Day August 2-September 2

Million Dollar Quartet

This is what you get when Elvis, Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis and Jonny Cash meet by chance at Sun Record Studio. Based on the true story. www.pacrep.org

August 3

First Friday Art Walk

If an award was to be presented for perseverance, this ongoing monthly event in Oldtown would win for quality and consistency.

Artistasunidos.org

August 3-11

S.V. Food & Wine

Kick off the week with a winemakers’ dinner and end it in Charming Oldtown for a treat of world class wine, food, art, music and weather. salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com

The physical feel of a book is something you don’t get with your Kindle. Like people, they come in all shapes, sizes, covers and word count.

August 16-23

August 21-26

Forest Theater is the perfect outdoor setting for this heartfelt story of a mermaid who disobeys her father, puts all her friends in harm’s way and has a happy ‘Disney’ ending. pacrep.org

One of the most anticipated celebrations of classic and exotic automobiles in the world. seemonterey.com

The Little Mermaid

Car Week

More on Car Week: Pebblebeachconcours.net weathertechraceway.com

August 11

GI Josie Film Festival

Award-winning filmmaker Dr. Marcia Rock will present the Emmy-award winning film “Service” along with her two smaller documentaries on veterans’ issues. www.gijosie.org

August 11-12

Monterey Bacon Fest

The Ultimate Bacon Experience.

Car show, craft beers, vendors and demonstrations. Headliners Badfinger and Jim Lauderdale rock the event. montereybaconfest.com

August 13-19

US Amateur Championship

August 17-19

West End Celebration

Sand City will increase its population from 383 to 15,000 this weekend. Funky street party showcasing art, music, food and friends. westendcelebration.com

August 19

Hidden Valley Music Seminar

Composers and guest artists will perform newly composed music by nine local composers.

Benefits Women Alive. hiddenvalleymusic.org

August 22

National Tooth Fairy Day

She is real and I have the quarter to prove it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

August 25

Concours D’Lemons

One of the few free car week events featuring misfits, mistakes and what was at the time, the opposite of a classic car.

Laguna Grade Park, Seaside

Pebble Beach hosts this golf tournament for the fifth time. See the next generation of touring pros. pebblebeach.com

August 16

West Coast Songwriters August 4-5

Celtic Festival

Bring your clan to this weekend of rich cultural tradition, food, music and Scottish Games.

Montereyscottishgames.com

Do you write lyrics? All levels welcome to perform. Prizes awarded to members. westcoastsongwriters.org

August 21

Taylor Rea

A newcomer on the local music scene with a sound she calls “Soul and Roll.” Awarded the 2017 Santa Cruz NEXTies “Musician of the Year.”

Peter B’s Brew Pub

August 30-Sep 3

Monterey County Fair

Lots of family entertainment.

Concerts, rides, food, animals, crafts and people you only see once a year. montereycountyfair.com

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SECOND CHANCE

105 Central ave, pacific grove 2311 N Fremont St, Monterey (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org

PLATO’S CLOSET

402 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey (831) 641-9919 // www.platosclosetmonterey.com

RESALE TRAIL

Trade In, Trade Up! Buys and sells trendy teen and young adult guys and girls’ clothing.

THE BEST IN REPURPOSED, CONSIGNED, VINTAGE & THRIFT!

SPCA BENEFIT SHOP

26364 CARMEL RANCHO LN. CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA (831) 624-4211 // www.spcamc.org The SPCA is an independent nonprofit organization serving the animals & people of Monterey County since 1905.

AUGUST HABITAT RESTORE

4230 GIGLING ROAD, MARINA (831) 272-4830 // www.habitatmontereybay.org Benefits Habitat for Humanity Monterey County. Provides safe and affordable shelter for needy family and communities.

FEATURED SHOP PLATO’S CLOSET Plato’s closet offers a large selection of quality, trendy teen and young adult clothing and accessories at 70% off mall prices. Come shop with us today for your favorite brands under one roof.

To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038