Foolish Times September 2018 by Foolishtimes

September 2018

Going For A World Record » Pg. 16 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

SECOND CHANCE

105 Central ave, pacific grove 2311 N Fremont St, Monterey (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org

PLATO’S CLOSET

402 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey (831) 641-9919 // www.platosclosetmonterey.com Trade In, Trade Up! Buys and sells trendy teen and young adult guys and girls’ clothing.

RESALE TRAIL THE BEST IN REPURPOSED, CONSIGNED, VINTAGE & THRIFT!

DOWNTOWN BOOKS & SOUND 222 Main St, Oldtown Salinas (831) 435-4636 // www.downtownbooksandsound.com Widest selection of used books, CDs, and vinyl records

SPCA BENEFIT SHOP

26364 CARMEL RANCHO LN. CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA (831) 624-4211 // www.spcamc.org The SPCA is an independent nonprofit organization serving the animals & people of Monterey County since 1905.

SEPTEMBER HABITAT RESTORE

4230 GIGLING ROAD, MARINA (831) 272-4830 // www.habitatmontereybay.org Benefits Habitat for Humanity Monterey County. Provides safe and affordable shelter for needy family and communities.

FEATURED SHOP

DOWNTOWN BOOKS & SOUND Gently used books, DVDs, CDs, and vinyl records. Local authors, book clubs, youth, gardening, DIY, history, cookbook and more. All organized for your convenience.

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool........................Susie Q. Art Fool......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool.....................Jonah Dee

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks It’s barely September and every afternoon, I can hear loud voices and see cars backing up on Hartnell Street. Monterey High is back in session. I was just getting used to only seeing the homeless around my office. Now, I see school kids who probably will be homeless if they stick around this area long enough. It’s not about getting a good education. It’s about how long will your parents live before you can cash in their house and move to a more affordable area. My kids attended private school where they learned early on that I was worth more dead than alive. It’s not only the kids who have it tough. Teachers are under appreciated for using new techniques. I remember the old method of memorization. My seventh grade English teacher said, “If you say a word ten times, it will be yours forever.” This method of teaching had consequences. I spent a week in detention for shouting, “Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,” ten times. I wasn’t a bad student. I just didn’t care the same as the teachers. School was my job, and I was going to be paid what my value was in the form of a GPA. I soon learned that you can’t use your GPA to secure a car loan.

Paying attention was always a problem, and I spent most of the time day dreaming wondering what was going on outside the classroom window. My teacher told me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through. I have a dear old friend who is retiring this year from a long career in the classroom. It has been years since I’ve seen or heard from him. He grew up in a time when technology was just becoming a thing and challenging careers were there for the taking. I asked him why he chose teaching. He replied, “There are two reasons, July and August.” Most of us would have followed our dreams if they only would have allowed us to sleep more in class.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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4 Central Coast Quality of Life Programs presents our 12th Annual

Saturday, September 29th 11:00AM to 3:00PM Laguna Grande Park 1249 Canyon Del Rey Blvd., Seaside (Next to Chili’s/Embassy Suites)

Come join us for: ADMISSION IS FREE! Call to register (831) 333-9091

Tasty BBQ Face Painting Raffle Prizes Music by: And so much more

Support CCQLP and help raise awareness of local services for Multiple Sclerosis & Parkinson’s Disease!

BOTTLE SHOPPE Surf N Sand Liquors Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town. Chilled wines & champagne. Wine tasting room. Visit our cigar lounge. Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet-friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts. 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

DONUTS

ITALIAN

PUBS

Red’s

Gino’s

Crown & Anchor

Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts. 433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444

Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram 5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your rap has tapped you right into the clink! You started out with a bang this year and recently slipped into a selforiented paradiddle. “Sharing” was introduced in your childhood years, remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You have befriended all of your possessions, but one…your plumpy heart. Should we call the paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the first to respond to your own vital center and the defense will rest in your favor. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins GEMS steal the limelight. Imposing your lofty point of view can be enticing for some like murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back where you have to look low and away, but always watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with what you are better acquainted with for now may prove to be a big hitter on its own. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted countryside. The flowers wilting and spilling into a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the ghost, this property is condemned. Your snappers have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4. Let it roll down like silk stockings. Then open to the view of YES.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a 1000 votives? Declare self-defense where foul play is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned. They have been sited stepping past the mote and flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front, they’ll know who rules. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer. He did not dissect the facts before creating his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty.” Yet, you want this in-motion picture life to be black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it is all about parsnips and onions with you. Your cry is “I can’t do it alone!” Yet watch the Lilies brush the sky and notice their six degrees of separation from their neighbors. Take the stand but don’t be a weed. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are entitled, for many a good reason SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor: A splendiferous regeneration, a make-over of the soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand and you’ll rake in the chips.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Nowadays a sob story will get Facebook time sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your ass off the amateur bench and find a real life adventure, explore distant planets, discover new ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the Facebook leaches try to reach your purified psyche, steer clear of any incriminating online entries by declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your juice for A LOT of a little bit of good again. In a beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken? Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Hopes, dreams, and wishes. Goody, gooey, drippy & blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be sensational. With a partner in crime you can paint the town! Start

with the old barn, I hear it needs a new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by this generosity.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that nowadays for you coming alive happens only after dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off! Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz, because the piano keys are hot and your watery cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck. Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

In Carmel, two dogs walked over to a parking meter. One of them said, “How do you like that? Pay toilets.”

THE– In BUSKING LIFE and Out of the Gutter and Beyond the Stars

By Michael Houston

“Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race.” – James Joyce Conscience of the rat race or the human race? Every musician for itself, and love is all there is. Just play both ends against the middle and will meet on the other side. Wither the road to change? No idea but, I’ll take whatever you lay down. And, thank you very much, and paper bills are preferred to coins. Whether and whenever summer ends new lives emerge within us and without us…in maternity wards, other hemispheres etc. Meanwhile, the hemispheres of our brains just wither or thrive. And we’re quite proud of that, each of us in our own way processing whatall. After all, not everyone gets even this far. We did though! Should you change or not, you do. Consider diapers, motor oil, and denominations of money etc. Make change not war! We street musicians engage in the change process even more than most, and generally we do so magically that it’s as easy abusing our First Amendment rights and your sense of good taste. Still, this forging that worries us. What if we hand ourselves our own counterfeit souls, egos, and alter egos and we don’t have the good sense to give them back to where they came from? Thus the Spanish phrase, “Los locos y sus parientes.” In the verdant world of Elegant Innocence Concordancia, humans in various stages of adulthood have wandered in rapture thinking, breathing internal combustion, electric, and hybrids while generally they feet are their only carriage over the greens. I have seen them from the break of day as they have wandered as if their

souls were forged into a single alloy of engine blocks and while mesmerized by things that really were forged in the fire, the liteal ones, not the remainders of their teenage angst! Be not deceived. Actualization is at hand. You can own part of divinity itself for a mere $48.4 million. Forged, now that’s the way to see the uncreated conscience of our race or beauty pageant chromed as detailed. Live by and within your cars let yourselves get wept up in the dream of wrenching and swapping reality TV shows. Beware, it may cause you to miss the Karaoke in the in the car pool lanes with Paul McCartney or Madonna. Become the car of your dreams. Taking on the personality of a fine animated car may even save you from fixating on bass fishing, Kardashers, antiquarians road house appraisers, or becoming a foodie among people surviving naked on a diet of insects in live cable or internet video feeds. Reality! Ha. Change is the one constant. Look into instrument cases of our hearts and gutters. That’s change you can’t depend on. As the Ancient Greeks observed, “It is not the same water you drank last week that you drink this week.” Apparently, it takes centuries or a fortnight to go through the water cycle and pick up micro plastics that Madonna would call shiny and new! If you don’t believe me fact check. All is change. Our fairgrounds soundscapes change. One day you’re at Monterey Pop waiting for Jimi to set fire to a guitar, and a few short decades later you are surrounded by people in kilts singing Whisky in the Jar and lamenting the end of the Stuart monarchs. What did Scotland ever for anyone, anyway, aside from inventing universal education and modern philosophy and economics? As we say, “Think ignorance is expensive? Look

at the cost of education!” Hard knocks, self-revelations, and that nagging suspicion that your pet superstitions, and prejudices may be even stupider than you are. The times they are…Yes, and how can you deny it, oh expectant ones? Music is more than tedious string theory of the same or different notes and chord patterns. It’s the rhythm of life itself. September is. Music is. And our hearts revel in jazz, trumpets on stools, and joy itself. Westend and Blues in the Park are behind us and more crazy cool magic jams await us. The music is everywhere! Music behind every beat of your heart, every Open Mic session, all the bar room juke boxes in the world, and more street corners and house parties than any of us care to imagine. (Or ever hope to be invited to.) Yes, Yes, Yes, Sweet

daddy-o’s, hip kitties, ocelots, and lap dogs. Our time has come! Groove, baby, groove. We ask our inner selves, “What is this joy thing?” They answer, “Don’t ask us.” We’re just trying to get through the market as painlessly and merrily as possible as hordes of the beautiful; the kind; the loving; the halt; and the lame all batter on in pursuit of fine olive oils, toffees, spiced pecans, teas, organically fed free-ranging bird and mammal parts, berries, greens, and other life elixirs. Market time! The throngs gather. The players play. The little ones take off on the downbeat. The lovers love. The haters tweet. All is well in our sick old crazy world. The time is right for dancing in the streets. And from the gutter… the bards find joy in communion with all of us… in our kindness and joy looking for good deals; good food; and good times; while all the time watching out for service animal dropping and dive bombing sea gulls and other feathered vermin. Fight filth with love in your heart, beloveds.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and don’t make noise. I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here.”The doctor says, “Take these pills and come back next week.” The man returns. “Doctor,” he says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but my silent farts stink like the dickens.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

By Daria James

A Toast for Everyone I know. I am very excited for September. Football season is back (if you think players are “sabotaging” the flag, the anthem and our troops, you are part of the problem) and autumn arrives shortly after bringing us more fashion choices to play dress up. I love layering, hot chocolate, hot wings and beer, as well as the disappearance of mosquitos. In addition, my extra weight and fatty-self remain warm, while skinny people freeze and tremble like Chihuahuas. They say nothing tastes like skinny feels, but I bet they feel very cold in the winter. Therefore, skinny tastes like you need a bigger coat. Skinny also looks like you need to cool it with the air sandwiches. I believe in moderation. Too much of

something can be harmful, except Mexican food. You can’t never have too much Mexican food. Or Cate Blanchett.

Therefore, skinny tastes like you need a bigger coat. The other day I got into an argument with someone who thought it would be a good idea to challenge my brain with some very basic questions. I am always up for a friendly war of wits; if you challenge me with your white glove and slap me across my face, I have no other option but to metaphorically charge my brain’s guns a la Henry Cavill in Mission Impossible. So, do not come unarmed or you can be

harmed, you have been warned… note to self: work on trash talking techniques. I have actually never been in a physical fight, but one time I talked my way out of a carjack in Tijuana. I should be a broker. Anyway, back to the nearest past. The following conversation took place: Person: Where are the documents? Me: We don’t have them yet. Person: When are getting them? Me: When Dom gets here. Person: Where is Dom? Me: On his way Person: When is he getting here? Me: When he arrives. Person: I really hate you sometimes. Me: I really have no control over any of the answers you are looking for. I could have said I don’t know to all your questions, but you would have learned nothing. Perhaps, next time you want to engage me you will listen to my answers, because if you had done just that, you would have realized that this

conversation was over after the second question. Do not get mad at me because you lack the ability to collaborate and listen. I go back and forth between being polite and being…well. Unfiltered. I am polite most of the time, unless of course, I have known you for a long time and we have been through things and shared meaningful conversations. Furthermore, birds of a feather do flock together and you should know that if I have kept you around, you are indeed a bit of whatever you brand me to be. Oh yes, it works both ways. I am aware, and that is also what SHE said! Nonetheless, I believe there is a time and a place for being one or the other. I also believe in not dragging on a conversation after I get what I need from said conversation. The rest is just words. Side Note: We lost Aretha Franklin, although Legends never die. We are officially the orphans of soul.

10 Wiley: Both. Lol!

By Stacy Lininger

Meet Wiley Roberts Stacy: Do you go after comedy or does it just find you? Wiley: Kinda’ both. I’m constantly listening and observing but without being obvious to myself! I find that folks, comedians or otherwise, tend to be constantly “ON.” Check out how funny I am! Those people tend to be obvious. Stacy: Have you ever bridged a gap with comedy? Wiley: I think so, I had a guy tell a club manager, “I never had much to do with blacks, but that guy made me think.” But I’ve also had folks HATE me…

Stacy: How do you make people think? Wiley: Telling the truth … I don’t do politics but I use a lot of sociology. Stacy: How so? Wiley: My joke about the blaxpoitation films of the 70s … my bit. Stacy: What’s the punch line? Wiley: It’s not a “joke,” it’s more of a theatrical piece. It’s out there somewhere online. It’s on YouTube for sure. People send me links all the time. Stacy: Are you grieving Aretha Franklin? Wiley: Not really. I hate to see her go, but she LIVED!!! She got it DONE!

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 24

Stacy: Why do comics, like Jerry Seinfeld, separate comedy and politics? Wiley: I think FEAR! Actually that is what I define as white privilege! The “privilege” to not have to give a f*ck about anything. Stacy: Have you met Seinfeld? Wiley: A couple of times. It was always while with white guys like Kevin Rooney, Marc Hershon, etc. We aren’t buddies! I don’t think I’d have much to talk to him about.

Stacy: Will you be performing at Comedy Day on September 16 in Golden Gate Park? Wiley: No. I might be there though. Stacy: Why would you go and not perform? Wiley: Sometimes I don’t mind hanging out. Backstage is usually more fun than performing. Follow Wiley on Facebook or see him backstage at Comedy Day in San Francisco on September 16, 2018 starting at noon. Also, be sure to check out his podcast “Grown Folks Talking.”

Stacy: I was once told he was “like meeting a piece of furniture.” Wiley: Yeah, pretty flat personality… Stacy: Is the Seinfeld show shallow or is it really deep since it points out the shallowness of society?

F.Y.I S.H.I.T.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers. Manure was shipped dry, because it weighed less than when wet. Once water hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began which creates the by-product methane gas. Manure was stored below deck in bundles and you can guess what happened. Methane began to build up and the ﬁrst time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner. As shipping companies got smarter, the bundles of manure were stamped with the instruction 'Stow High in Transit ' on them. This meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High in Transit). SHIT is really not a swear word.

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The Shape of Water By Robyn Justo Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights! Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? A: Someday my prints will come! Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: What part of the car is the laziest? A: The wheels, because they are always tired! Q: We’re you long in the hospital? A: No, I was the same size I am now! Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck! Q: What’s the difference between a TV and a newspaper? A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV? Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st? A: They had just finished a March of 31 days. Q: Which hand is it better to write with? A: Neither, it’s best to write with a pen!

Sometimes I can’t get my mind around things. They just don’t make sense, especially 50. Explanation to follow. On an atypically warm day here on the coast, I walked up to the counter of one of my favorite coffee haunts and asked what they had iced. I made my choice and choked when I saw the cost. I guess I get it when almond or soy milk is more expensive. The healthier the choice, the more we pay which really doesn’t make sense if you think about it. We’re saving money to be sick. “Excuse me,” I squeaked, “but 50 cents for ice?” The guy behind the counter put his head down and then, nodding

his head said, “Yep,” looking like a sad puppy who had just chewed up his favorite toy. “WHY?” I asked. He looked embarrassed and said, “Not my rule.” Not my dog either.

Science has proven that we are actually not solid at all and consist of mostly space. Let me get this straight. I’m ordering a drink and when ice is in the cup there is less of my drink, but I have to pay more? Or is solid water more valuable somehow?

Or am I paying for the labor of someone putting water in an ice tray? Maybe I could bring my own the next time or be smart and ask for a side order of ice so that I can get my cup filled to the top! For Peet’s sake. This cuppa was costing me way more than one at Fivebucks. It was close to seven dollars for some coffee splashed on the rocks, which is what I must have had in my head for paying that for a quick, watery buzz. After I added a tip (still trying to remain kind to the help) I was the one tipping over, reeling from the sticker shock of the exorbitant ice adder. Why don’t they charge me for heating it up if it’s more to cool it down? Wait, that might be next! Things like this get me thinking too much (like if the present is tense, is the future relaxing and do eunichs and unicorns live in the same dimension?) Maybe the ice was spiked. Maybe that was why I was paying more! I ruminated on the parallels between water and humanity. Frozen solid little ice cubes we are now, fluid before we arrived and one day (hopefully not too soon) poof! We are steam. We focus on the frozen part way too much, yes? Humanoids with human needs. We put so much value and emphasis on seemingly solid objects as if they will last forever and won’t melt. But we do. They do. We all do eventually, including all of the shrink wrapped and smash packed tchotchkes we collect and all of the Louis Vuitton bags, Ferraris, Hello Kitties and Maui Jim sunglasses. Science has proven that we are actually not solid at all and consist of mostly space. Maybe we should try occupying that space. After all, that is what we share here, that and the air. “Shairing” is my new word, Webster. Maybe the barista was there to wake me up and not just with a caffeine fix. Maybe Disney could have a new and enlightened version of Frozen. In any case, like steam and spirits, the price of ice appears to be rising.

By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS !? Advice With a Heart

No, you silly willybuns, DILLIGS aren’t the deep-fried pickles you’ve been craving from the sleazy food truck with the sign, Feel lucky? Eat here! Nope, I’m happy to say DILLIGS is the name of my new advice column, offering compassionate suggestions to readers in need of wisdom and a hug—hapless readers who pass the sniff test at the whining auditions. I’ve squished my entire advice philosophy into the acronym, DILLIGS: Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t? Move over, Mother Teresa.

The short bangs and tight under-curl were designed to funnel radiation away from the brain QUESTION: My reiki practitioner says my chakras are blocked. What can I do? DILLIGS: Gotta say, not a big fan of colonoscopies. During my last one, I clearly heard the doc say, “Aw, f*ck!” I was groggy and too chicken to say, “Whaaa??” So here are alternatives gleaned from a higher seat of wisdom, i.e., from a wise-ass. Lucky you, I’m unconstrained by conventional training. Or any training. I suggest you try deworming. Just triple the dose you’d give a German Shepherd, okay? If you don’t expel

a python or two, then I’d say your problem is a symbiotic twin. It’s a rare and freakish deformity seen when a person carries a still living portion of an unborn twin who didn’t develop completely into a separate sibling in the womb. If by this point in life you haven’t already noticed the duplicate organs, arms or legs protruding from your body, unplug from your phone and take a course in mindfulness. QUESTION: With so much global tension, I’m afraid of nuclear war. Please help! DILLIGS: Nuclear survival...groovy. Jot down these tips: 1) Scour antique shops and buy an old mid-century wooden school desk. Those babies are the gold standard for radiation protection. You probably won’t fit under one of them, but just touching the fossilized wads of gum underneath will trigger a placebo effect. 2) If you’re a guy, slather on the old Brylcreem hair product, as radiation slides right off that crap. 3) Gals, y’all gotta beg your hairdresser for a 1950 “page boy” haircut. Yes indeedy, strangers will point and snicker at you, but the short bangs and tight under-curl were designed to funnel radiation away from the brain. Especially when pressed against the filthy underside of a kid’s desk. QUESTION: I’m seeing FUPA on social media. What is it?

DILLIGS: Hmm. There are conflicting definitions. So pick one and call me with details when your wounds heal. FUPA could mean: 1) the new Federal Underwear Protection Agency, cracking down on the black market “irregular” undies sold on street corners. People, people. Two waistbands and one leg hole? Bras with three cups? For crumsakes, I say offer them to folks with symbiotic twins. 2) Fatty Upper Public Area – what the hell?? Lemme guess...the second floor meeting room for Weight Watchers? Wait. Could be a typo in the definition, perhaps an extra letter? In the third word? Yeah, I’m seein’ it. But hey, DILLIGS?! Gotta love them asterisks.

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GOING FOR A WORLD RECORD 16

from me,” joked Susie. Yogi and Boo Boo are retired and living out of the public’s eye designing picnic baskets. To own the right to say

Move over Nick Strobel. There is going to be another Guiness Book of World Record holder in Monterey County! Teddy Bears with Heart will attempt to break the record for collecting the most plush toys in a 24 hour period. The current largest gathering is 7,586 and was achieved by the EnerMech -Dragons Glen Challenge Team at Sport Aberdeen of Aberdeen, UK in 2014. Susie Hansen, Director of TBWH states, “We chose 10,000 because someone can break the record between now and September 9th and it is a nice round number. We partnered with the Seaside Police Department and Seaside Police Officer’s Association. There will be a Donation Carnival on September 9th from 9 – 5pm. At the Seaside event, we have both retail and nonprofit booths, live entertainment, food trucks and of course, a place to donate the new stuffed animals. Since the next day is a school day and we all have work we are trying to do this during the eight hours of the carnival. We all like our beauty sleep!” Rumor has it that an invitation will be sent to Mark Wahlberg and Ted. “That would be a secret, even

you hold a world record puts you right up there with Nick Strobel and his long tongue. What TBWH wants to achievement is not for an individual but to show how a small community can be mighty with a big heart. If you’re confused as to what TBWH does, you may not be alone. “Most people don’t know or hear about us until they receive one of our stuffed animals while going through a traumatic event in their lives.” Susie continues, “When working with people during and after a disaster or traumatic situation, you are working with people who may be feeling confusion, fear, grief, shock, guilt, shame and so much more. It’s a lot to be feeling

and hard for people to handle. Especially children. By providing bears and stuffed animals we are addressing their issues by giving them something that is a symbol of comfort and something that is familiar to them. These bears and stuffed animals can help them to feel safe, calm, and will hopefully help them through the difficult time they are going through.” TBWH currently works with 192 agencies and seven hospitals in six counties. The hospitals are the biggest recipients. These are also the hardest bears and stuffed animals to find. They must present no choking

hazard, be brand new and for all ages. “They tend to be expensive. We have worked out a deal with Ty® where we can purchase them at a reduced cost.” Being a world record holder isn’t that easy. Just getting through the paperwork is a job. “It’s a challenge. I am now more aware why people don’t go for the Guinness Book of World Records. But I like challenges as does the TBWH board. There are quite a

few rules and regulations to keep track of.” What makes TBWH unique is they are a non-profit with no paid employees. Everything they receive goes to the cause. “I have a lot of empathy for those going through horrible situations and since I can’t be there for everyone to give them a hug and let them know someone cares, this is my way of doing that. We have given over 100,000 bears and stuffed animals in 10 years. That’s 100,000 hugs I was able to get out into the world.” There are a few ways you can get involved: Hold a bear/stuffed animal drive and collect as many new stuffed animals as they can. “We are going to be recognizing the individuals and companies that collect and donate the most.” Individuals are just as important. Every stuffed animal donated contributes to the record. If you can’t participate in this event, there several drop off spots listed on their website where donations can be dropped off. Although it won’t count towards the Guinness Book of World Records, it would help them get closer to the 184,000 bears/stuffed animals that they need every year.

For more information visit: www. tbwh.com or www.facebook.com/ events/1004718556376446/

17 can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you both of them!”

Seagull Poop

Blue-tooth A blonde went to the dentist.“I want you to paint my teeth blue.” “What!?” exclaimed the dentist. “Just do it!!” said the blonde. So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her. “Mam, you were talking on your mobile phone while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.” “Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”

Ice Fishing There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the

brunettes were going to win—they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde came running back. “A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!”

Chickens A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, “What do you have in the bag?’’ The blonde replies: ‘’I have chickens!’’ The man thinks for a moment and says, ‘’If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?’’ The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ‘’Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill, I’ll go get some toilet paper.” After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

Pyramid of 100 Steps There were three girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said, “This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. But be warned, every five steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.” So the brunette gets to the fifth step and laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the twentieth step and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the 99th

step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said, “Why did you laugh, I didn’t tell the joke yet?” Then the blonde said, “I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke!”

Going Up? A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

By Ted Gargiulo

You’ll Get Over This

The major supermarket you’ve patronized for years no longer carries the line of whole wheat pasta you’re accustomed to finding there. Now you’re forced to schlep all over town for it. When did the store suddenly stop carrying this product, and why? Nobody knows. Will another outlet carry it? Hard to say. And if you do find it elsewhere, will it be for the price you’re accustomed to paying? Probably not. Think that’s bad? The pork chops you had your drools set on weren’t delivered on Tuesday—check back on Friday. The discounted diet ginger ale you’d planned to stockpile was sold out the first day of the sale—try again later in the week, maybe next Monday. So it goes. These setbacks come as no surprise to you. Schlepping back

and forth is now an integral part of the shopping ritual. Merchants must think you have nothing better to do with your day. (Such arrogance!) Perhaps you haven’t. Because if you had, you wouldn’t keep coming back, would you!

You must know by now that the management’s main objective is NOT to fulfill your every need. The reason you shop at that this obscenely overpriced outlet is that there are usually enough semi-decent deals to make the trek worthwhile. Except, of course, when the weekly ad baits you with a special that turns out not Art Design by Sheree Greek

Sat, Oct 13, 10 AM to 6 PM Sun, Oct 14, 11 AM to 6 PM

to be there. Or when the store overcharges you, or sells you moldy bread, or replaces a favorite item with an inferior one. Management is happy to make the necessary adjustment(s)—provided you haul your weary butt BACK to the store and stand in line at the customer service counter. But who’s going to compensate you for the time you’ve wasted? You must know by now that the management’s main objective is NOT to fulfill your every need— that would hardly be profitable for business—but simply to lure you into the store by whatever means necessary. Once you’re there, they figure you’ll stick around and check out their other irresistible offers. They delight in rearranging the merchandise to make it harder for you to find what you’re looking for. That way, you’ll spend more time scouring the premises. Perchance your impulsiveness will overtake you, as it does other shoppers, and induce you to grab some items you hadn’t planned to buy. Supermarkets pull this stunt constantly. You resent being toyed with this way. What’s worse is that you resent yourself for allowing them to do so. Maybe one day you’ll storm out of the store in a huff, vowing never to trust this establishment or darken its automatic doors again.

Enough is enough! Someone should hold those weasels in management accountable for their deceptive practices. Are YOU that someone? What about the cable company, your internet provider and all the other irritating numbskulls you promised you’d deal with. Why haven’t you? It’s simple: no self-respecting schlep stays angry for long. Most businesses know that, so their people rarely lose sleep over your professed ire. They’re confident that whatever’s eating you will pass. You’ll get over it. You always do. Does this apparent failure to sustain your indignation makes you feel weak and ineffective? You bet it does! That’s why you’re more determined than ever to gird your wimpy loins and finally take a stand. Don’t let this sudden resolve fool you, though. Chances are, you’ll get over that too.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

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My daughter enrolled at MPC. She could have gone to CSUMB but its two more letters she would have to remember.

Sucks to be YOU! A man went to the county jail to speak with the burglar who was captured while breaking into his house. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the guard on duty. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” Tony & Sara are the owner and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

MAKE ME Tickle My Ribs INGREDIENTS • 2 slabs pork ribs • 1 sliced onion • 12 oz beer • Sea salt/pepper DIRECTIONS

Oven: 1. Preheat oven to 350°. 2. Place ribs on a bed of sliced onion in baking pan. 3. Pour beer over ribs Sprinkle with sea salt and pepper 4. Cover with foil. Bake 3 hours or until tender Grill: 1. Brush ribs with Chipotle Barbecue Sauce. 2. Grill over medium heat, meat side down until slightly charred Flip, close grill lid, cook 10 to 15 minutes. 3. Cut ribs apart, serve warm.

Whatever word you use, this month celebrates hard work Answers on pg 24

Labor Work Toil Exert Effort Slog Grind Sweat Scut Struggle Strive Try Hard Belabor Overdo Bust Gut Chore Plug Away

Women’s Revenge “Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do he coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”

Words

The Dentist

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day; 30,000 to A man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair - try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at

Who Does What A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

all. He then said, “I have one more pair. Try them.” The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.” The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”

What a Compliment My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said, “Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years.” I said, “It’s a stupid scarf.”

Two Friends Dan and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Joe didn’t show up. Dan didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Joe hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Dan really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dan didn’t know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Dan figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dan approached the park and lo-and-behold there sat Joe! Dan was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, “For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?” Joe replied, “I have been in jail.” “Jail!” cried Dan. “What in the world for?” “Well,” Joe said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?” “Yeah,” said Dan. “I remember her. What about her?” “Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

Helicopter Ride Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Edna always replied, “I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.” One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, “Edna, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Edna replied, “Ken that helicopter ride is 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks’ The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s 50 dollars.” Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!” Ken replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, “50 bucks is 50 bucks!’

SURPRISE Visit

By Jann Gargiulo

Ted is not much of a TV watcher, but I have gotten him to watch a few old shows on MeTV. Every morning we enjoy our coffee while watching Perry Mason at nine o’clock. Then we watch how Matlock gets away with all that ranting and raving in the courtroom … as if! My motherin-law was assistant to a Supreme Court Judge of Brooklyn, New York. I’ve been in that courtroom during sessions, and I’ll tell you Mr. Matlock would have been out on his ear if he even did one of those rants in Judge Lombardo’s courtroom. But, we still watch it. I think Ted just likes to see Nancy Stafford as Michelle Thomas. And I watch it because … well, I just like to be with my husband!

Well one morning early, VERY EARLY the first part of July we were sound asleep peacefully together in La La Land! Suddenly there was a very loud sound at the front door! I do mean loud! Ted jumped higher than I’ve ever seen him jump. We weren’t expecting anyone and it was much too early for drop-ins. Evidently not for my brother, Chuck! There he stood on the porch just looking at us looking at him! “Well, can I come in?” Chuck asked. “Sure, sure come on in, fella,” Ted greeted as he showed him where he could sit. From that moment until Chuck left we had few moments of peace. I am still suffering headaches. Mostly from that TV, it was so loud!!! You see my brother can’t

hear a thing unless you yell at him. So there was a lot of yelling in our house the whole month of July. Ted and I don’t yell at one another so this is very different for us. The neighbors were also wondering what was happening over here, and in their own way decided to find out. They were so happy when they found out it was my brother and not something wrong with our relationship. (We were too!) Yelling wasn’t the only thing we had to get used to because of this visit; he gets up around 7am and we don’t get up until 9am. So, he tries to find things to do until we get up. Like when he rearranges everything, and dusts all the furniture and cleans the floors. I don’t care if he cleans, but I simply hate it when someone changes

things around in a room to be the way he would have them if it was his house. Well, IT IS NOT YOUR HOUSE!!! (Breath …. in ...out ...slowly … again...) OK, I’m better now. It’s been a rough month!

From that moment until Chuck left we had few moments of peace. Then when I was about ready to tear my hair out comes the big surprise! Turns out that my brother, who is 77 years old, is now homeless! I only have two brothers left! (I had five.) He knows that “our home is his home,” so I guess we’ll be seeing him again soon. But, there’s a part of me that hopes that he finds a new home in the San Diego area where he’s been for about 50 years. Is that bad? I hope not. I do so love that guy!

“Mercy, Mercy, Me!” 1. Should I teach my dog to drive? 2. How important is education? 3. Is an egg a fruit or a vegetable? Bob #1 1. I don’t have a dog but I see other people letting their dog drive. So the answer is yes. 2. I’m still in school. Why not? The reward for graduating is going to work. 3. Eggs come out of a bird’s butt. That would make them panty waste.

Robert 1. What kind of stupid question is that? Dogs are too smart for that. 2. I loved going to school. I met my wife in school. Smartest decision I ever made. 3. My doctor said to cut back on eating red meat so I eat more eggs. They come from the grocery store.

Roberta 1. My dog is too small to see over the windshield. If he was bigger, it would allow me to put on my makeup while he drives so I’m not as late for work. 2. I love learning. Just the other day I was looking through my coupons and saw that one was expiring. If it wasn’t for education, I wouldn’t be able to read it and know what day it is. 3. I believe it’s a vegetable plant that grows close to the ground. Watch out for pesticides and only buy local eggs in season.

Bob #2 1. I have a cat. They are smarter than dogs so it would take them less time to learn. 2. That’s a hard one. I think it helped me to get promoted from the front counter to the drive through window but I’m not sure I’m management material. 3. I had a dream that I was being chased by a giant chicken and he wanted to sit on me.

By Rex Keyes I have to agree with Marvin Gaye when he sang, “Mercy, mercy, me, things ain’t what they use to be.” It is amazing what we used to do in the United States and what we do now. Habits of a country can change in just a generation or two. In Europe, back in the 60s at business meetings Europeans put bottles of water on their tables to drink. In the U.S. pitchers of water with ice were set out with glasses to pour the water into.

Tap water now has a bad reputation so instead we drink bottled water. Now just about everyone in the U.S. buys small plastic bottles of water just like the Europeans did then and still do. Does anyone ever drink tap water anymore? I don’t think so. We are supposed to be environmentally conscious and drinking tap water back then did not pollute the environment as millions of empty plastic water bottles do now. Tap water now has a bad reputation so instead we drink bottled water. In the past, kids use to go out and play during the day and watch TV at night. Well, nowadays a lot of kids are glued to their iPads and their smart phones. Sometimes they even bump into things while texting or scanning their smart phones and trying to walk at the same time. Do kids go out and ride bikes around town do they play dodge ball, baseball, raise homing pigeons, fly a kite, fly small gas powered airplanes, go camping with the Boy or Girl Scouts or play any sport that requires physical exercise? I don’t think so! Are they learning anything on their electronic equipment? Are they learning math, English, the stock market, geography, auto mechanics

or the everyday methods of survival in society? A friend recently took several kids out for a bike ride. One of the bikes got a flat tire. None of the kids in the group knew how to fix a flat. Absolutely amazing! But ask them anything about a Hollywood actor, song lyrics, a rock and roll singer or a program on TV and they know the answer. And the future, what does it hold? Robotics is the answer. The advancement in science for robots has been phenomenal. The auto manufacturers have been using a form of robots for painting cars for years. Robots are basically computers able to do physical work. For the home, in less than 10 years robot on wheels or walking will give you recipes and even help with the housework. Want a dog, cat, child, boyfriend, girlfriend — get a robot! They now have a car that does not need a driver which is basically a robot on wheels. “Warning, warning!!! Robby the Robot from ‘Lost in Space’ is back.” There are some things that have not changed. What happens when you fall in love with: 1. A Chef? You get buttered up. 2. A chauffeur? You get taken for a ride. 3. A telephone operator? He gives you a phone-y line. 4. A trash man? He dumps you. 5. A clockmaker? He two times you. 6. A jogger? He gives you the run-around.

I think — therefore I’m single.

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A graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does that work?” A graduate with an engineering degree ask, “How does it work?” A graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Rogé’s Revenge By Craig Hubler He had been working on his latest painting for weeks. This was somewhat unusual for Rogé, the slender Frenchman who was known to start and finish most of his works in just one day. He had risen quickly in the art world, a young graduate on fire, setting ablaze both critics and fans alike. So quickly had fame and fortune found him that many believed he had peaked and was on his way out, like last week’s fresh flowers. That winter, one person in particular had come down quite hard on the artistic head of John P. Rogé. Marleigh Harris was an art critic for the major metropolitan daily that was published just a few hours drive north of the young artist’s hideaway. Tucked away not far from a scenic California coastal highway

was a modest cabin Rogé had purchased with money from his talents. He lived alone, and he relished the forest that surrounded his sanctuary. He had acquired enough property to wander in numerous directions for most of an hour without coming to the edge of what he owned. Nothing could please him more than sitting for long periods of time just watching the insects move from leaf to leaf, doing whatever it was that they did. An amateur entomologist from a young age, Rogé knew that at least he would never run out of subjects to study. Marleigh’s critique had bothered him, that day late in winter. Seeing his name coupled with terms like “artistic imbecile” and “immature renderings” made him feel as if someone a hundred miles away

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25 had reached out and slapped him in the face. He was incensed that someone could, with just a few words, make or break a career, in so many readers’ eyes. Not that he had ever had a bad review. This, though, seemed to him an attack on something soft and precious inside of him, and it pulled a cold shade over his remote estate. That night he could not sleep, tossing in darkness, adjusting pillows and heaters through the night to no avail. Then, in the final hour before the sunrise, he slept, and dreamed, and finally woke to a revelation that caused him to whisper in joy. That very day, he set out to paint his masterpiece and to right, in a very unusual way, a wrong. Now, weeks later, he was nearly finished. He arranged, on a lovely spring day upcoming, to have ten of his closest friends over for a private showing. His guest list even included Mr. Harris, his artistic nemesis—the very man for whom he had secretly created his newest endeavor All those invited arrived within an hour of each other that early spring afternoon, and each walked into Rogé’s home eagerly expecting to see this new work right away. His cabin, after all, consisted of just one very large, elevated room, and there were not many places to hide his new piece. But nothing was mysteriously draped; just many of his colorful, familiar works adorned the place. After a scrumptious meal and delicious conversation, the artist invited his guests to move to the living area, for them to sit among huge pillows, sip tea, and wonder. Where was the painting? Where indeed? “You’ve been looking at it all day,” quipped Rogé. Puzzled, polite outbursts escaped from all. “Right there,” he said, pointing to the only blank wall in the place, 10 feet high, 15 feet wide. “Pardon me, young man!” started the art critic. “I came here to …” But Rogé cut him off with his slender hand, upraised and commanding a polite silence. He

quietly strode to the huge windows that looked out into the lush forest, windows that hinged and swung in such a way as to allow one to view all that was beyond unencumbered. “I began collecting paint some weeks ago,” he began, “out there.” He gestured to the lush forest beyond. “It was only this morning that I applied it to my canvas, because like you and I, ladies and gentlemen, they like it fresh …” So began a show none there would ever forget. It began right away with a single butterfly fluttering through the grand, open windows and alighting on the blank wall. Within the hour there were hundreds of them clinging wherever Rogé had painted fresh nectar to the previously blank wall, creating such an amazing design that most, including the critic, could only sit and stare with mouths agape. It was the most incredible thing the old critic had ever seen, and as the first advancing tide of evening shadow invited the butterflies to retreat, a sickening realization came over him. His host had not allowed cameras here. No one else would ever see the masterpiece he had seen—or believe it, for that matter. Craig Hubler is a local metal sculptor and serves as a city council member in Sand City. His short story collection, “Surprise, Seventeen Short Stories to Exercise Your Eyebrows,” can be purchased online through Amazon or wherever books are sold.

Ballet dancers dance on their toes. Why don’t the just get taller dancers?

September 1-2

September 11

The food! The thrill of rides and games. Great music, exhibits and animals round out this ultimate people watching event. Montereycountyfair.com

Ever wonder where beer comes from? Go behind the scenes at Peter B’s and find answers to this age old question. peterbsbrewpub@ portolahotel.com

Monterey County Fair

September 1-2

Greek Festival

Opa! Labor Day party at Portola Plaza. Mediterranean culture and crafts. Montereybaygreekfestival.com

September 7

Fist Friday Art Walk

Brew Tour

September 12

Storytelling Wednesday

Local personality and author Tony Albano highlights his book, “Life is a Bumpy Road– smoothed out by the people, and the dogs, you meet along the way.” carmelfoundation.org

September 20

WC Songwriters Competition.

A gathering of likeminded people. Come see. Come hear. Come and be in the moment. Westcoastsongwriters.org

Festa Italia

The Italians pick up where the Greeks left off. Honoring local fisherman and all that is Italian culture in our area. festaitaliamonterey.org

International Peace Day Established by a United Nations resolution in 1981. Like Wife Appreciation Day, we should practice this every day.

September 28

Comedy at a Reasonable Hour

September 15

Oktoberfest

In the spirit of Andre’, the event goes on. 8th annual fest featuring music, beer garden and food. Don’t miss the Miss Oktoberfest contest! Oktoberfestmontereybay.com

September 15-16

Gem Show

September 9

Teddy Bears with Heart

Come out and be part of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for the most new stuffed animals collected in a day. An all-day carnival for families. teddybearswithheart.org

Jerry Seinfeld

By the time you are reading this, the two shows will be sold out. Read Wiley Roberts comments on Jerry, Page 10. goldenstatetheatre.com

September 21

Oldtown Salinas celebrates the 13th year of consecutive monthly art walks. Artist receptions, dance, music, spoken word and more. 1stfridays.org

September 7-9

September 27

Those wonderful rock stars from Carmel Valley offer demonstrations, gems, minerals, fossils, jewelry and more. cvgms.rocks

September 16

Wife Appreciation Day

Only one day? Is it any wonder relationships don’t last? Hold her hand, look in her eyes and make her feel secure…til death do you part.

September 21-23

Jazz Fest

Nora Jones, Wynton Marsalis and Dianne Reeves highlight this year’s event. montereyjazzfestival.org

Our friend Richard Stockton uses his 35 years in comedy to bring the house down in an early show. Reggie Steele rounds out the bill. carmelfoundation.org

September 29

Confucius Day

He gave the world many teachings, and 499 famous sayings. Some are in fortune cookies at Full Moon.

September 22

National Business Women’s Day

This special day goes back to the 1940s. When loved ones came back from war and women wanted to break from their traditional roles.

September 24

Piano Recital

Avant-garde pianist, John Jensen performs the work of five American composers including the premier of Carleton Macy’s ‘2’ . hiddenvalleymusic.org

September 29-30

CA International Airshow Welcome back the Thunderbirds! Great things in the air and on the ground. salinasairshow.com

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