Foolish Times September 2019 issue

September 2019

I was tired of sleeping in & enjoying life....

Community Shout Out Pg. 27

Expanded Event Calendar Pg. 28 – 29

2

at The Barnyard Carmel

september 14, 2019

oktoberfestmontereybay.com

Saturday, noon-6pm

WINNER! WINNER! BLACK BEAR DINNER!

“I find television very interesting. Everytime somebodyturns on the set, I go into the other room & READ!” 9 pm m10a LY DAI

See you in

Donelle Squires’ review of Godzelda Destroys Salinas was judged by Foolish Times’ publisher Stevie P. and Godzelda creator Dana B. Larrabee best of all entries. She and significant other Chuck Markley were obviously delighted when FT’s prize patrol showed up with their Dinner and Tee’s for Two prize package which included dinners at the Black Bear Diner, special edition Godzelda Tee shirts and autographed poster. Our thanks to the Black Bear Diner (It’s a carnivore’s delight!) for their participation.

213 MAIN STREET

-Groucho Marx

Downtown!

SALINAS 477.6700

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead................................Stevie P. Editor at Large..................................Javlis Art Fool...............................Mama Morgan Intern Fool.................................Cynthia P. Sales Fool.....................................Michael

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett

The Chucklehead Speaks It’s nice that Car Week is over and we have our streets and restaurants back. I did what other locals have done at this time, I left town for a few days to sit around pool and relax in a small, quiet community.

The town I visited is so small, you had to have exact change to buy a house. They approved a bond to widen their main street so they could paint a white line down the middle. So small, they took turns being the town drunk! I was not planning to stay long enough to get on the list.

The nearest restaurant to where I was staying was so cheap, when I asked for a menu, the server told me I had to wait because someone else was using it. Their catch of the day was fish sticks. When I asked her how the soup was, she replied, “Same as yesterday, just a day older.”

I ordered a chicken dish and it just didn’t look very appetizing. They told me the chicken was in a fight. I told them to take it back and serve me the winner.

It’s hard to hide the fact that you’re a visitor when you’re in a small town. The server acted like she never saw a Tommy Bahama shirt and I was from a different planet. Judging from the stains on her uniform, she probably never saw the inside of a laundromat either. I sounded like a whiny complainer and wanted to make peace with her so I asked her for a kind word.

She said, “Don’t eat the chicken.”

It was a pleasant sight to see all the cars leaving the peninsula when I was driving back. I saw a few lingering visitors Monday afternoon when I was walking down Alvarado Street. They are easy to spot. They don’t try to be rude; they just don’t want to be mistaken for locals.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

Foolish Times • P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net

4

Sucks to be YOU!

‘19

Expires Sep 31st, 2019

5

LATE NIGHT

BREAKFAST

WINE

Denny’s

First Awakenings

Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge.

Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

FAST FOOD

...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ITALIAN

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com

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By Debbie Harris

A BENIHANA LIFE

It was my first time at Benihana’s and I watched in fascination.

The chef twirled a whole egg on the grill and then flipped it up in the air where it landed into the concave top of his hat. It didn’t stay there long. He tipped his head down, caught the egg and cracked it open one-handed onto the grill. Was this slimy mess going to be part of my dinner?

I waited, hoping it would look more appetizing as it cooked. He mixed it with rice, chicken and vegetables, shaping the rice-mix into a heart. He slipped his metal spatula under the center and made the heart beat. Ooooo!

The most finesse I put into work in the kitchen is to get the chocolate chip cookies off the pan without breaking them.

Broad gestures and flair permeated the entire grilling performance. Flowing knife strokes quickly sliced the shrimp, chicken and beef as it sizzled.

A toss of garlic butter and a

few shakes of salt and pepper (after the shaker was bounced off the counter) rounded out the seasoning. A flaming onion choochoo chugged across the grill, helped by something flammable in a squirt bottle (lighter fluid?).

All movements were made with the flourish of a craftsman. I’d never seen this type of culinary entertainment before.

I’m definitely not skilled in food preparation showmanship.

The most finesse I put into work in the kitchen is to get the chocolate chip cookies off the pan without breaking them. I can sometimes slam the microwave door shut with my elbow as I walked through the room, but that’s pretty much it.

What if my life was a little more like a visit to Benihana’s and I could add entertainment value and excitement to everyday tasks?

I could be the Benihana chef of my life. When I make my bed, maybe I could make exaggerated swooping gestures as I make an origami swan with my sheets before I finally smooth them out to fit the bed. At the grocery store, I could toss my chosen items into

Ever since I stared using hair grease, everything slips my mind.

the bowl hat before I place them in my cart. When checking out, I could play “see the credit card, don’t see the credit card” with the cashier when I pay. At work I could offer my co-workers paper clip choo-choos for their holders and I could make the stapler talk.

Such talent!

While typing, I might tap each key sharply and raise my hand up with a flourish with each touch.

In the shower, my loofa could have a heartbeat before I scrub.

The bubbles in the dishwater could be shaped into a heart to help make doing the dishes more appealing. Maybe when I put on my socks, I can slip them over

my hands and do a sock puppet routine first. I could load the dirty dishes into the dishwasher by twirling them on a broom handle then tipping them into the rack. When emptying, I can throw them Frisbee-style into the cupboard. Whoa!

In the yard, maybe I could do a running start jump over my lawnmower followed by a dramatic pull on the cord. If it started on the first try, I could strike a “stuck the landing” pose like a gymnastic that just finished a complicated routine and is waiting for the scoring. When washing the car I could throw the sponge high into the air toward the other side of the car, then run over and catch it before it lands.

Ta-da!! Take a bow.

As fun as that all sounds, I don’t think I have the energy for a Benihana life. Happy Labor Day!!

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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram

5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your rap has tapped you right into the clink! You started out with a bang this year and recently slipped into a selforiented paradiddle. “Sharing” was introduced in your childhood years, remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull

You have befriended all of your possessions, but one…your plumpy heart. Should we call the paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the first to respond to your own vital center and the defense will rest in your favor.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins

GEMS steal the limelight.

Imposing your lofty point of view can be enticing for some like murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back where you have to look low and away, but always watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with what you are better acquainted with for now may prove to be a big hitter on its own.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab

Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted countryside.

The flowers wilting and spilling into a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the ghost, this property is condemned. Your

snappers have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4. Let it roll down like silk stockings. Then open to the view of YES. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion

Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a 1000 votives?

Declare self-defense where foul play is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned. They have been sited stepping past the mote and flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front, they’ll know who rules.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin

Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer. He did not dissect the facts before creating his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty.” Yet, you want this inmotion picture life to be black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny!

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales

Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it is all about parsnips and onions with you.

Your cry is “I can’t do it alone!”

Yet watch the Lilies brush the sky

and notice their six degrees of separation from their neighbors.

Take the stand but don’t be a weed.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion

You are entitled, for many a good reason SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor: A splendiferous regeneration, a make-over of the soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand and you’ll rake in the chips.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer

Nowadays a sob story will get Facebook time sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your ass off the amateur bench and find a real life adventure, explore distant planets, discover new ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the Facebook leaches try to reach your purified psyche, steer clear of any incriminating online entries by declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out!

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier

Hopes, dreams, and wishes.

Goody, gooey, drippy & blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be sensational.

With a partner in crime you can paint the town! Start with the old barn, I hear it needs a new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by this generosity.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes

Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that nowadays for you coming alive happens only after dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off! Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz, because the piano keys are hot and your watery cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck. Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat

Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your juice for A LOT of a little bit of good again. In a beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken?

A college education doesn’t make fools, it just develops them.

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SCENTSATIONAL

By Craig Hubler The idea had begun in him during an innocent game of hide and go seek one day in a municipal park. His wife, Carol, had stopped to pick some roses for her hat, and Henry, who was mischievous by nature, had walked quickly on and hidden between two other bushes that were beginning to bloom.

As he waited to be found, a flood of wonderful emotions came upon him all at once.

He recognized after a puzzled moment that the aroma of the two bushes he stood between had triggered this sudden reaction.

“It was beautiful—just beautiful, Carol,” Henry mused as they walked on. “And yet standing there between those two bushes, I wondered why I felt so elated all of a sudden. Then it struck me.”

“Oh? And what, pray tell, was that?” she asked, curious.

“It was all because of this!” Henry said, touching the tip of his nose.

“Simply the smell, it was. That’s what the beauty was all about.”

The two walked on and talked of other such scents they had come across in life—scents that were both marvelous and disgusting, provocative and strange—and suddenly the idea

was hatched: why not guide a tour based solely on smell? The prevailing industry in their coastal town was indeed tourist based; thousands flocked there every year, to its beauty, and for the numerous events held there annually. Henry and Carol even came up with a name for their unique endeavor: “The Scentsational Tour.”

The prevailing industry in their coastal town was indeed tourist based The weeks flew by as Henry and Carol traveled their majestic peninsula, collecting the smells and locations they’d use for the tour. Finally approaching the date of another major, tourist-attracting event, having made meticulous and strange arrangements all over town, they took out an ad, distributed flyers, and then sat back to wait. They were not disappointed, for just three days before the scheduled date, all twenty seats of the small bus they had hired were filled.

The tour was on.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

It was obvious to those that went that day that at many of the tour stops there was not much to see—but oh, what an olfactory feast it was!

The first stop, naturally, was nothing more than a walk between the two bushes Henry had originally found. It was a somewhat comical sight to see twenty grown men and women walking between them. They would wait to go between with confused looks on their faces, and they would emerge from the foliage with huge smiles.

Next they visited the back alley of a small chocolate factory, then was a walk through the kitchen of a famous restaurant, the surprises coming one after another. Then came a stop that actually brought tears to a few of the mens’ eyes, a visit to the local high school boys’ locker room. There, as the group stood, smelling a youthful sweat, Henry read aloud a moving speech that had been given by a coach years ago at a big game. The speech, delivered at halftime, had inspired his boys to go out and beat their rivals when the odds were clearly stacked against them.

The SPCA, a drive by the main pier where fishermen were bringing in their day’s catch, a stroll down Main Street during the local farmers’ market, and several other stops brought again and again comments of a

A fat chance and slim chance are the same thing.

superlative nature from all who rode along.

The tour guides had saved the best for last, having spent the most time and effort seeking out and making arrangements for this final stop. They had timed their arrival to coincide with the setting of the sun over the bay, a small concession to the visual beauty that abounded there. It was a private beach that could be reached only by a small path that cut through the property of a young couple that Henry and Carol had met and gotten to know during their long preparations.

As the group walked out onto the small strand, they were invited to gather together on a large beach blanket that had been laid out for them, then stand and hold hands, close their eyes, and above all, breathe deep.

One of the older men, thoroughly caught up in the moment, shouted out, “Ah, to be young again!” He was echoed immediately thereafter by many of the others. Something powerful was here, no doubt they knew as they shook hands and embraced, sipped refreshments, and finally made their way along the trail back to the waiting bus.

Through the part of a curtain at a large window, a young man and woman watched the happy crowd gathered down below on their small, private beach. They smiled at one another, thinking of the great delights they had availed themselves of, just minutes before, on the very blanket where strangers now stood.

Craig Hubler is a local metal sculptor and served as a city council member in Sand City. His short story collection, “Surprise, Seventeen Short Stories to Exercise Your Eyebrows,” can be purchased online through Amazon or wherever books are sold.

SCHOOL DAYZ The Seaside High football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I'm not supposed to let you play becasue you failed math, but we need you.

So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The coach looked into his eyes and asks, “Okay, now concentrate... what is 6 x 4?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “24?”

“Did you say 24?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

All the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach. Give him another chance!”

How can you tell if a CSUMB coed is a good cook?

She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are walking down Alvarado Street when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.

“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy.”

The mother asked, “What did you do?” The boy replied, “I hit him with my purse!”

What is the second stupidest thing in the world? A CSUMB architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house.

What is the stupidest thing in the world? A local contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?”

The photon says, “No thanks, I'm traveling light.”

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

A linguistics professor at Middlebury was lecturing to his English class. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can

9 form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Why did the school kids eat their homework?

Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

My mom's a teacher, so she was really strict with me and my brother. She was like, “Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.”

And then one day she changed her mind about everything. She said, “You're going to college.”

Did you hear about the MPC professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn’t remember whether he was going in or coming out?

Teacher: “Answer this math problem: if your father earns $1000 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?”

Student: “A heart attack.”

Two hydrogen atoms are at a party and bump into each other.

The first one says, “Hey, grab that electron, it's mine!”

“How do you know?” asks the second.

“Because I'm positive!”

A cop pulled me for swerving. He tells me to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack.

“Okay, we’ll just get a blood sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Then just step out of the car and walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

10

STREAKING in STYLE

By Charles Birimisa

This past March was the fortyfifth anniversary of streaking. Not that streaking had never occurred before March of 1974, but it was then when clothes came off many people who then took off running.

In one case, it was broadcast right into our homes. “The Academy Awards ceremony was streaked last night - just as David Niven was about to present the best picture award. The streaker who dashed across the stage behind the mystified Niven, later identified himself as Robert Opel, an advertising man... He was not arrested.” (Associated Press, April 3, 1974)

We fear exposing ourselves and at the same time anticipate the release that exposure may offer.

The streaking leading up to the televised event took place primarily on college campuses.

University of Pennsylvania students were streaking for the impeachment of then President Richard Nixon, “to get (him)

out behind the towel.” Students stripped and ran at Cal Berkeley of course. Stanford students took their new found freedom across the Golden Gate Bridge; Then Vice President Ford just missed the naked joggers at Tampa University commenting about the campus craze as “kind of silly to tell you the truth.” The Kansas Statehouse and the Michigan House of Representatives were stunned with streaks. Baseball and basketball games, shopping malls, high schools, just about all public places were streaked.

“At the University of California at Santa Cruz - seven male streakers - wearing athletic supporters, ski masks, and bandanas in addition to tennis shoes - ran across the stage as Chancellor Dean E. McHenry gave a lecture... They disappeared before campus police could catch them.” A March 7, 1974 Washington post article informed “Streaking ... has been enlisting new recruits by the hundreds every night this week across the nation.”

In 1974, I was nine years old and beginning to be more

Dear CSUMB, Please don’t send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.

aware of the news and what was going on in the world. Well, as luck would have it I heard about streaking, although never saw an actual streaker live. An April 7, 1974 Los Angeles Times article, which I did not read, summed up my feelings about the streaking phenomenon. “Seeing a streaker ... often makes us aware of the possibility of our own nudity and awakens strong, though ambivalent, feelings. We fear exposing ourselves and at the same time anticipate the release that exposure may offer.”

It happened in June of 1974, on a Saturday morning. A good friend and I celebrated the end of school for the year by watching our favorite Friday night shows.

To the best of my recollection this is what occurred the next morning. My friend, who had spent the night, was in the bathroom while Mom was in the kitchen making breakfast. I

decided it was my turn. I stripped my pajamas (people wore them back then) off and streaked through the house naked as a jaybird. I made it back to my room and got dressed. I did it, I streaked! It happened so quickly that no one noticed. And I never told anybody until now.

Some people are good loosers and others can’t act.

HISTORY REWRITTEN

By Roger Freed After the first horrific battles of what became known as the “War Between The States” and was later dubbed The Civil War in the 1860s, many on both sides realized that there was going to be no easy end to it. This fight over slavery, but also over states’ rights and the concentration of different levels of power within the no longer United States of America looked like it was going to go on a long while. Many saw no way out from the bloodshed, the hatred and the unrest but to flee the badly battered country.

Instead of staying and fighting and not wanting to face their own domestic problems, they chose to share those problems with their neighbors.

Mass exoduses of people, mostly poor as they were the first ones to be chosen to actually fight the battles, began. Droves of them left behind their homes both North and South, and headed to the other, more peaceful and promising lands of Mexico and Canada to find their prosperity in a world of less conflict and danger. Not to mention that both home countries possessed abundant land and resources that were not yet fully exploited.

As can probably already be surmised, the southerners who chose not to be rebels, headed down to the land of Quetzalcoatl nearest them which held the warmth and tendency towards agriculture that they were used to. The Yankees, like their idol Henry Thoreau, found the war to be distasteful and unfair but did not want to spend their time in jail as he did, headed north to the frigid, more puritanical lands’ environments that had appealed

-The American Civil War

to their heritage.

Both countries were caught by surprise at the masses of Americans seeking refuge in their homelands, at first mostly men, then, as restrictions eased, their women and children came too as anchor babies to firm their hold on the new lands. In the beginning, Canada and Mexico felt they must be accommodating, and were willing also to take advantage of the cheap labor they provided. They granted them asylum and even citizenship which the new-lings eagerly grabbed up. For a while, all four sides were content with the situation.

They called themselves ‘Creamers’ in that they wanted the cream of the crop Time, however, will usually expose cracks in even the most placid of illusions. The Americans, both northerners and southerners, tended to stay in clans and did not mix widely with their patient new caretakers.

These newcomers were often rude and boorish and wanted not to adjust or adopt the ways of their benefactors. Although living in their neighbors lands, they still felt that they were above their new countries’ laws and that the America they had forfeited was still the greatest the world had to provide, and superior to that of their present landlords. The Amis brought their bad habits with them as well - the alcohol, the mistreatment of natives, the refusal to learn any other language than English and the

belief that the environment existed only to be rendered into material things of questionable real value.

These invaders, as they soon began to be seen as, disrespected women, treated animals harshly or over-hunted them for game and sport, considered children often to be chattel for the factories and fields, and had an endless lust for material things.

They especially liked guns, which took a toll on the new lands’ quiet, their animals, trees, signage and eventually on their citizens themselves. The Mexicans especially did not appreciate the newcomers’ refusal to learn Spanish, and to be constantly looking down their noses at them.

To add further stress, the Americans started claiming the total rights that the citizens of their host countries had, including welfare, voting rights, social security and hospitalization. They believed they had the right to everything the Canadians and Mexicans had garnered for themselves over the generations - choice land, nice homes, good jobs, pensions. The Americans had a dream of having the same, but immediately. They

11 called themselves ‘Creamers’ in that they wanted the cream of the crop too. But they wanted it now, not a generation or two away.

That was when, in both countries, political parties and groups formed that wanted the intruders ousted. They burned American flags and boycotted American cotton, alcohol, books, inventions, corn, and rutabagas.

The Americans, in turn made fun of their maple syrup, tortillas, Mounties, sombreros, hockey, serapes, maple leaves, and Mariachi bands (although the last item was justified, and still is today).

In Canada the Americans were finally forced to either flee back to the US and its strife, or were pushed into the far north, where they had to fend for themselves in the tundra without crops or anything to build houses from but snow. The Mexicans loaded the gringos into intentionally leaky boats in whatever ocean was conveniently the closest, and pushed them out to sea. In both cases the problem was solved.

Both countries then built walls along their borders to keep the barbarians within their own homelands to sort things out amongst themselves. Both the Kanucks and the Mexes then settled back into peaceful existences. Eventually it got real quiet on the other side of the walls.

It’s annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

12

DI L L I G S ! ?

By Mary Tompsett

Writer’s Notes, Curve Inversion, and Gregg (Again)

As a writer, I’ve found that any thought or image of funnyment will fly away unless I catch it with a note, usually scribbled down the side of my leg or lipsticked across my car window. A few recent examples: NOT A PLUNGER (Scrawled in black marker on the ancient toilet brush in a restroom. Yes, quite the trifecta of disgusting, sad, and funny.)

SAFETY SECOND (Saw it on a t-shirt. A perfect company name for electrical contracting or skydiving.) DISTRESSED MERCHANDISE (A retail term that is begging to be engraved on a tombstone.) And finally, a scenario on a Chicago commuter train: The door stood open to

a tiny, single-person restroom.

Inside, a woman paused in her lengthy makeup slathering session, turned and barked at the next person waiting in line: “YOU’RE IN MY LIGHT!” They still make me grin, even now, as I offer another column generously regurgitating whatever might pass for thoughtful, comforting insights to improve the lives of all humanity—except for Sister Emma, my mean thirdgrade teacher who got chalk on my Brownie beanie. Welcome to DILLIGS (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!?”)

MAKE ME WING IT INGREDIENTS

• 4 lb wings/dumettes • 5 tsp baking powder • 3/4 tsp salt

DIRECTIONS

QUESTION: I’ve heard about the economic danger of Inverted Yield Curves, but I still don’t get it. What’s the scoop?

DILLIGS: Generally, everyone’s curves start off plump and perky, and these young curves yield a sexy look in well-fitting clothes. But they boost consumer confidence, which is actually very bad, because we get stupidly confident that we can consume crap food forever and stay fit.

Perky goes bye-bye, and blobby fat says hello to our arteries, bellies and butts. That, my love, is Yield Curve Inversion. Kind of a meandering explanation, I know, but not a plunger.

QUESTION: There’s a spiritual maxim, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Was it Gandhi or Eleanor Roosevelt who gave us this wisdom?

DILLIGS: Move, you’re in my light! Neither of those spiritual icons spouted that phrase. In fact, it was the brainchild of an ambulance-chasing lawyer in Chicago whose complete marketing pitch was “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Call 618-GETRICH.”

QUESTION: Can you suggest a practical second language for kids nowadays?

DILLIGS: Gotta go with Gregg shorthand, consisting of odd marks based only on sounds, not spelling. I know, I’m obsessed with it. But these days no one under age 70 will know it, making it perfect for scrawling personal info on restroom walls, or safely expressing sarcastic comments that will appear to be just a decorative border of squiggles on your umpteenth letter contesting an outrageous hospital bill.

Second choice is Latin. Outside of medical, legal, or religious circles, I’d say it’s distressed merchandise. Oh yeah. And besides the security of speaking your mind, Latin sounds snooty and cultured...unless spoken with a native Californian accent.

Need to end a conversation without getting arrested? Just say, “Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.” Loosely translated as “I must respectfully disagree.” But literally? “F*ck you and the horse you rode in on.”

FINAL QUESTION: My therapist told me NO is a complete sentence. Is that true?

DILLIGS: No.

1. Place wings in a zip lock bag 2. Add baking powder and salt, shake 3. Place wings snuggly on foil lined baking rack, skin side up 4. Bake at 250 degrees for 30 minutes 5. Up the temperature to 425 degrees for 40 minutes 6. Remove, let stand for five minutes

RANCH DIPPING SAUCE

• 1/3 cup mayonaise • 1/3 cup sour cream • 2 tbsp milk • 1 tsp lemon juice • 1 tsp each: dried dill, parsley, onion and garlic powder

All those years of getting horrible school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

By Ted Gargiulo

DO NOT CALL

I hate phones! Readers familiar with my rants already know how I feel about them. My wife certainly does. Ask her!

She’ll attest to the fact that I’m not bereft of social graces, not entirely. I like my friends—the few that I still have. Problem is, I have nothing to say to them over a phone. It’s not personal.

I’m simply a lousy adlibber, not terribly spontaneous, and I can’t stand making dull, idiotic chitchat on that blame contraption—not to people I like, not to people I dislike, not to you, not to anybody!

On paper, I’m a different person altogether and not such a bad old bear once you get to know me. You’ll find that, given the proper venue, I’m more then generous with my time and can ramble indefinitely without coming up for air. Want to tap my brain, or hear my views on some issue? I’ll gladly spill my innards in an email. I’ve written some that were so lengthy; I actually divided them into chapters…with titles!

But please…do NOT ring my home phone, or my cellular device, and ask me what’s new, or how I feel, or what I’ve been up to lately, because these topics are meaningless. Small talk irritates me, scatters my thoughts, derails my momentum, and sets me back an hour. I especially resent it when someone interrupts what I’m doing to ASK me how I’m doing!

These days, the vast majority of the calls we receive at home are anything but personal. Solicitors, survey takers, telemarketers, sales reps and recorded messages

now cram the lines. Then there are the robocalls. How many times a day does the phone ring with no one on the other end?

Occasionally, the answering machine cuts in, but there’s no message, only a loud “boop-boopboop” sound. I told Jann a long time ago I wasn’t answering the phone anymore. “Wanna know who’s calling,” I said, “YOU get it!” She knows I’m serious. That bad boy can ring until it turns purple, but I will NOT pick up the receiver!

On paper, I’m a different person altogether and not such a bad old bear once you get to know me.

All through the day and into the evening, I hear Jann rehashing that same old script: “No, thanks, I’m not interested… We don’t have a mortgage… We don’t have a student loan…I told you, there’s nothing wrong with our computer! Quit calling!”

13

Thankfully, Jann’s isn’t fooled by that flimflam. Smart lady!

Still, it makes no difference what she tells anybody, because the same weasels keep calling back.

She says, “Please take me off your list.” But even when they do, her name turns up on 5 other lists, so the harassment never ends.

I’ve said to her, “Do you feel you have a moral obligation to put your life on hold every time the phone rings? Let the answering machine get it; listen to it later.

If somebody real, somebody important, wants to reach you, he’ll leave a message. Right? If not, then it’s nobody!”

I keep hearing stories of scammers bilking folks out of fortunes over the phone. The idea of these crooks preying on innocent victims, particularly the elderly, turns my stomach!

However, there’s one thing I’m certain of: I won’t be one of their victims! Think about it! How do you scam a guy who refuses to answer his phone?

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

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LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

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14

By Rex Keyes

Q: What’s the best looking geometric figure?

A: Acute angle.

Q: Why did the two fish get married?

A: Because they were hooked on each other.

Q: When does a boat show affection?

A: When it hugs the shore.

Q: Why don’t elephants dance?

A: Nobody ever asks them.

Q: Why is it so hard to fool a snake?

A: You can’t pull their tail.

Q: Why are spiders like tops?

A: They are always spinning.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Well we have found out a lot about using a birdfeeder. Some birds dominate other birds and some are very smart and have spies looking out for food. For instance on a hanging bird feeder when a woodpecker comes to land on it all other birds take off and they give the woodpecker free reign on the birdfeeder. He is like the king of small birds. I guess they don’t want to mess with another bird whose beak is strong enough to peck through wood.

Now the smart birds that send out spies are the doves. Our birdfeeder hangs out over a wide sidewalk. We sometimes spread

extra seed on the sidewalk below the birdfeeder. It seems like within minutes after doing so doves are there eating the bird seed. Well here’s how they work.

I have noticed before we put out the bird seed that there was a dove sitting on a nearby telephone wire looking down, another time there was one on top of a nearby telephone pole watching and another time one sitting in a tree watching. I suppose there were all spies waiting for the food to be put out. Once they see someone leave the birdfeeder they fly down and start eating. How the other doves find out and join the spy

Back To School On New Tires

Q: How did the carpenter break his teach?

A: From chewing his nails.

Q: Why can’t you keep secrets in a bank?

A: Because of all the tellers.

Q: Why was the weatherman arrested?

A: For shooting the breeze.

Q: How many controls do you have for your TV? A: Four. My dad, mom and two sisters.

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dove I do not know. It could be that when the other doves see that the spy dove in no longer in his spy position they figure he is down eating and then they join him.

Also the doves are very smart as they fly down below the birdfeeder when there is a woodpecker on it eating the seeds. The woodpeckers are the sloppiest eating birds and they spill a lot of seed when pecking the seeds out of the bird feeder.

Hence seed on the ground is more meal for the doves.

Now one more item is a species of small birds about 2 to 3 inches in length. They stick together and fly in flocks of ten of more birds. When they hit that bird feeder they do it when there are no birds around and they land on every opening on the bird feeder, eat real fast and are gone in no time. Compared to the sea world kingdom they are like piranhas.

They swarm, eat and are gone.

Of course they are cute birds and eat that way to avoid larger birds coming in and taking their food away.

One more thing that we have for the birds is a small bird bath about a foot in width and about two inches deep. The birds love this as they drink the water and take baths in it. As far as we know there is virtually no standing water in the neighborhood so they come here. They use up enough water that we have to fill it up two to three times a day. They splatter the water around when they take bird baths which also empties the container. They take bird baths so often that probably some type of soap would help them out. I heard that they best type of soap for them was “Dove Soap”. Ha!! Ha!!

Hope this information helps if you decide to get a bird feeder or a bird bath.

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR TIME TRAVELERS

By Jay Russell Time travel usually turns out poorly for the ignorant clods doing it. The horror commonly sets in when someone attempts to return to their original time period. Your initial time’s fragile reality will inevitably shatter upon learning some unforeseen effect ruined ice cream or hand holding or jean shorts. Whatever you love, it’ll be destroyed at the speed of a butterfly’s wing flap.

So rule one: if you go back in time, stay there. Going forward on time’s arrow (if it isn’t a wheel) arises crippling stipulations.

What if you instantly age that amount of time and plop out all wrinkled and hobbled, or just as a pile of dust, whoops! So don’t

Why not go back in time to sell cheap sunglasses? try fast forwarding friends, play it safe.

Many time travel pessimists will fearfully shy away from changing anything, but forget about that, because you will not return. If still hobbled with inaction just remember that your deeds in your initial time period shaped the future as well. So, upon that view, you still exist as a single meek entity (well, maybe now you are two). Try to relax and remember that despite people’s attempts to “change the world,” most people’s actions don’t amount to spit in the big picture.

So what can you do when you go back in time? How should you make a living? It shouldn’t be too difficult if you studied any history

or observed any of the tools or inventions of your original time. Don’t be surprised if your memory gets wiped though, so pick a new time you will definitely love. Watching some old Clint Eastwood movies sparked the following gem of a business proposition. It seems like everyone in those films squints and needs a huge hat to combat the wild west’s sun. Moreover, the bad guy usually turns out to be the one schmuck without a hat, most likely heat-stroking out. So, why not go back in time to sell cheap sunglasses? The business would really kill it and couldn’t impact things too much, except possibly for spurning cataracts by a couple generations. Plus, shades would do wonders for the plethora of poker games hosted back then.

If that change really freaks you out, like more than a Valium can deal with, try a more conservative career opportunity. You could go back to 2000 and invest a bunch of money in VCRs, or to the 80s and put all your capital into laserdiscs. Maybe start selling typewriters next to an Apple store. Go back and pioneer mercury swimming pools. Surely, your efforts will fail, but not without a fun fight! Never time travel on easy street, crank the difficulty level up to impossible.

Finally, don’t forget to have a laugh or two while on your foolish time traveling endeavors.

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Episode 10

"Take Thirteen and

Breakfast Cheer"

Previously:

Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart execs bombs-- until a real live T. Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office.

CEO Malcolm D. Monster promises Krasse two million dollars to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas Monster Mart. The military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas. Air Force jets finally subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart. Next, local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s vivacious Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur, insisting on the real deal, only now the dinosaur and teenager are being held at the county jail. Undaunted, Krasse convinces the sheriff to release Godzelda to him on a “work furlough” basis...

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com

Rodney Speck arrived at the store with his camera crew about 9:30 a.m. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright and warm, perfect weather for their commercial shoot. He pulled off his windbreaker and contemplated the massive beast snoozing in front of the store. He had to agree the real thing looked better than Lester Krasse in the rubber dinosaur suit. About twenty minutes later, Krasse and the Monster Mart entourage showed up. “Okay everybody!” Rodney waved to get their attention.

“We’re doing the first shot. I need Mr. Monster over here in front of Godzelda. Camera one, you start in tight on Mr. Monster. He does his lines, and you zoom out.”

Steel chains held the creature in check behind Mr. Monster who practiced reading his lines from cue-cards held by Rodney’s production assistant.

“Let’s try it,” said Rodney. “Go ahead and roll ‘em!

Cue Mr. Monster...!”

Mr. Monster cleared his throat. “Announcing the ultimate in one-stop shopping. Monster Mart.

The monster store with over twenty square miles of inventory,” he recited flatly. It took several runthroughs before he could do the entire commercial without faltering. But with each reading, his recitation became more lackluster than the last.

“Hey, Malcolm!” Krasse yelled from behind the camera, “We’re not sellin’ coffins! Put some life into it!”

Rodney agreed. “Yeah, let’s pick up the tempo, man! Mr. Monster nodded. “Okay, let’s roll ‘em!”

“Monster Mart, grand opening! Take thirteen!” bawled the assistant. This time the store owner executed his lines with much more fervor. “And during #10-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

our Grand Opening, we’re smashing prices flat!”

“Cue the Beast,” ordered Rodney. Five burly men yanked on a chain pulling the drugged monster’s foot to the asphalt with an ominous thud. “Cut!” cried the director. “Perfect!” He turned to the camera operator. “Now in the next shot, I need the dinosaur full-screen. Let’s hear your line, Malcolm.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began and cleared his throat again, “I give you... um, I give you--- ” “No!No!NO!! CUT! CUT! CUT!!!” Krasse yelled, darting out from behind the camera. “You lost it, Malcolm! I mean, this is the one line you have to give with everything you got. Without holding back, you know? Like this... Ladies and gentlemen,” he read in his shrill nasal voice, “I give you... Godzelda!!

“You gonna do the whole commercial?” inquired the director wryly.

“Of course not,” gasped the ad man. “I was trying to make a point.”

“Okay, we’re doing it again, people! Places everyone! And... Action!”

Mr. Monster cleared his throat and re-read the line emulating the energy Krasse had tried to demonstrate. “Beautiful!” exulted the director. “Everybody take five while we set up the next shot. Mr. Monster, that’s where you stick your head in Godzelda’s mouth and you talk about chewing up prices....”

Malcolm D. Monster stared at the monster’s fangs glistening in the mid-morning sun. Nervously, he blotted the sweat on his forehead with a handkerchief. “Don’t worry, Malcolm,” Krasse called out.

“She had her shots this morning! She’s out cold!”

He sensed the retailer’s uneasiness. “You’re doing great!”

At ten A.M. the next morning, the unmistakable opening

theme from the nation’s top-rated TV soap-opera echoed down the musty corridors of the County Jail. The music came from a battered portable television mounted above one of the entrances to the cell-block. “Today,” intoned the announcer, “Maggie makes a heartbreaking discovery on ‘Slice of Life with a Doctor’s Wife’... sponsored by the makers of Breakfast Cheer, the exciting new laundry detergent that’s also a nutritious cereal. Breakfast Cheer! The besttasting suds for your duds! And now---” “We don’t wanna watch this,” whined an inmate.

“Yah!” yelled another. “Change the channel!”

“No way!” the first retorted angrily. “We’re watchin’ THIS!” The squabbling went on all through the show until the screen went dark and faded up on a commercial, the one Krasse produced with Malcolm D. Monster.

“Meet Godzelda the Dinosaur up close and personal during the Grand Opening of Monster Mart,” he drawled.

“And watch her chew up prices during our special live broadcast!” Neil Scallopini peered through the bars to get a better look. Sure enough, the Tyrannosaurus was on TV. “Hey, what’s the deal?” he called out after a passing deputy. “You released that stupid dinosaur! What about me?”

“Pipe down, Scallopini,” the guard advised. “Disturbing the inmates’ TV-time could be hazardous to your health.

Know what I mean?”

“But I have to talk to the sheriff! This is a terrible mistake!”

“Yeah, and you made it, kid,” the deputy said shaking his head. “You were nuts bringing that monster into town!

Nuts! Now put a lid on it. I’ll tell the sheriff you want to see him.”

Next issue:

Episode 11 Jail House Talk

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

18

Sleep Problems

By Jann Gargiulo

Ever sit in front of a keyboard and blank computer screen wishing the thing would just start filling the page with all the things you are thinking of putting there, but just can’t? Well, that’s where I am right now.

I need my rest. Right now I’ll take anybody’s rest. Just some sleep!

I have been sick for a week now and don’t seem to be getting better. I need my rest. Right now I’ll take anybody’s rest. Just some sleep! I only fall asleep when my husband sits down to “spend time” with me. We start to watch

a movie and I cuddle up to him real close with my head on his chest and fall asleep! Not now.

I don’t know when (or if) he realizes that I am asleep. When he says something to me, I always pop up and reply with some nutty thing that gets us both to laughing. Whew, got out of that one. Most nights he falls asleep on the sofa, and I’m safe to do the same. Side by side, two sleepy people that are afraid to let the other one know how sleepy we both are. What is our problem?

It’s hard to get things done when one is always falling asleep. I went to my doctor to get answers for what maybe wrong with me.

The doctor just said, “Beats me.

I’ll give you some amphetamines.

Let’s see if that will help.”

It helped at first but not anymore.

So here I am falling asleep constantly. Maybe I’ll look for a sleep study group at a University.

No, they would probably keep waking me up.

So, my search continues for this doctor who probably doesn’t exist.

I need a doctor who can figure out figure out what is wrong and help me. So watch out my reader friends. If I do get some help, you will not be able to keep me down.

I may never sleep again!

Not to brag, but I have the same lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.

By Tony Albano

All of Me on View

Thirty years ago, when we first moved out here to the West Coast, we needed to make new friends.

We didn’t have any family here, so we hooked up with other people who were also new transplants.

Before you knew it, we had a nice little group of friends. I would say there was probably 15 or 20 of us who would get together regularly at one another’s houses. We even got together for holidays because none of us had family here. In some cases we became very close.

My wife and I actually became the godparents of the daughter of a couple of our new friends. Our wonderful godchild is now twenty three years old.

I remember back then that my wife had to go get an ultrasound at the Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula. (Can you believe they called it that, with the acronym CHOMP?) She told me she met this wonderful lady who did the ultrasound, a woman named Karen. She said, “This lady, Karen, just lost her husband and I invited her to the next party that we have.”

“You invited somebody at the hospital to come to the next party we have?”

“Yes,” she replied. “The lady’s lonely and I just liked her.”

“Well, we better ask our friends before we just tell them

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 26

that you’ve invited this stranger to come to our next get-together.”

“Tony, it’ll be fine. This is how people meet one another.”

“Well, let’s check with the host of the next party,” I insisted.

The host of the next party said, “Pat, if you think the lady is a nice lady and you said she lost her husband, sure let’s invite her over.”

There’s got to be somebody else to do an ultrasound on me.

Can’t a man do it?”

So Karen came to the party. She had worked at the Community Hospital since moving to the Peninsula, and this very nice, wonderful woman was welcomed into our little group, our little clutch.

About a year later, I had a problem with the male part of my body. I was referred by my doctor to go get an ultrasound on my private parts. In New York, there are eight million people.

Not so many people here on the Monterey Peninsula. (You know where this is going, don’t you?)

I went to Community Hospital with my referral form, and I walked in nice and calm. A beautiful blonde was behind the desk. I gave her my paperwork.

She said, “Mr. Albano, somebody will be right out to help you.”

I was sitting in the waiting area, and who appeared but Karen, the lady that I knew. I was totally embarrassed. This could never happen in New York. How

19 could this lady from the hospital who my wife invited to a party be the same one who was going to do the ultrasound on my private parts?

I said, “Karen, I cannot do this.”

She asked, “Why not?”

I said, “Because I know you.

You’re a friend. This is very embarrassing.”

“Tony,” she replied, “I do this for a living.”

“Karen, I just, I feel very uncomfortable. Could you give me a towel, a fig leaf, anything to cover myself?”

“Tony, think of me as a doctor, a medical professional. Let’s just get this over with.”

She had her hand on my arm, and I was tugging, trying to get away.

“Can’t we wait for someone else?”

She said, “I’m the only one here who does the ultrasounds.”

“I can’t believe it. There’s got to be somebody else to do an ultrasound on me. Can’t a man do it?”

“No, let’s get this over with.”

And we did. Karen did my private parts ultrasound.

A while later, as it happened, she invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner, along with our mutual friends. Still feeling embarrassed, the only thing I could think to do when I walked in was sing to her, “All of me, why not take all of me?” That produced laughter all around the Thanksgiving table. Karen had indeed seen all of me.

From the book, Life is a Bumpy Road, Smoothed Out by People and Dogs You Meet Along the Way. The book can be found on Amazon and at Books & Sound in Oldtown Salinas.

20

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1.“___ ___ ___ ___Thirteen and Breakfast Cheer” 2. TV Commercial director Rodney __ __ __ __ __ 3. Adman __ __ __ __ __ __ Krasse 4. Monster Mart CEO Malcolm “___.” Monster 5. “Meet Godzelda the dinosaur up close and ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___...”

Bonus Points! (answer in August’s Episode 9) Krasse’s contract went in the __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __.

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A Busker’s World

By Michael Houston

Gutter Singers Truths and Consequences “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

• Blanche DuBois , Street Car Named Desire (1947) From now on all my friends are going to be strangers.

“Homicides by intimate partners are increasing, driven primarily by gun violence after almost four decades of decline, according to a recent study looking at gender and homicide.” –https://www. nytimes.com NOT https://www. foolishtimes.net/ • “Homicides by intimate partners” is a good argument for peace love and understanding at all times in all your intimate relationships. Without becoming overly intimate, please extend love to street musicians and market vendors, organic or otherwise.

• Foolish Times’ forensic/fashion editor predicts Kevlar hoodies and Kevlar hockey goalie masks with happy faces for kitchen table wear will be all the rage this season.

Model Family Gun Culture Granny shot grand-granny.

Long ago, my granny told me that shooting her mommy dead outside of Philadelphia in a Pullman car in 1912 was a horrible experience. (Granny made it up to grand-granny by burying grand-granny next to her and her favorite husband.) As the grannies bloodline, we no longer recommend arming bejeweled seventeen year-old wouldbe-brides on trains or tossing

cartridges into fireplaces. We’ve also stopped shooting songbirds and siblings with bb guns. Done that, been there!

Life Will Find a Way Scientifically and genetically speaking, we all come from the rainbow strands of ideological American Exceptionalism bumpstocks. Literally and figuratively, we were all dropped on our heads by the same humanoid-delivering stork. And we all come out shopping!

The Long and Winding Trade Road…

Ohlone and Rumsen people led the way to Monterey Bay by traipsing down the beaches and coves between here and Siberia.

The California pageant continued once seas, deserts, and mountains couldn’t stop the cable networks, Cabrillo, Portola, Tiburcio Velasquez, Chinese Spanish Mary, a shower of Bohemian earthquake refugees, gifted baseball playing fisher-folk, a load of dust bowl refugees, and a stream of young fellas shipped via Ft. Ord across the world, only to be replaced by CSUMB students!

Sing Along with Woody Gutherie, Children!

From Bobby McGee’s Prunetucky to Ferlinghetti and Kerouac’s Big Sur peaks and valleys. From Alvarado Street to Tierra del Fuego Esta tierra es para ti y para mi.

Give Me Your Tired And Your Poor Am I an anchor grand-baby?

Mom was born early enough to qualify as a Daughter of the

Golden West. Her Irish-Canadien mommy and daddy caravanned down from Edmonton, Alberta and Alumette Isle, Quebec to fight fires by raking our forests.

We too helped invade and infest Monterey, PG, and the City.

Mom’s people fled a “sh*t-h*le country” where they suffered snow up to their nalgas. I’m glad they weren’t lynched by antiCatholic KKK mobs in the 1920s shouting “Shoot’em!” “Canadienes will not replace us!” “Lock ‘em up!” “Blood and soil!” and “Send ‘em back!”

Factoid: Grandpa tore down KKK signs in Monterey which calling for the expulsion of Catholics, Jews, and AfroAmericans. Meanwhile, the Chinese Exclusion Act got renewed nationally. Back in Monterey, the Sheriff jailed the clansmen for their own safety, lest the gentle fisher-folk get their hands on them for some dialogue on the theme of immigrant rights.

Market Day, Eyes, Ears, Bellies and Minds!

Buy, buy, buy! Live, love, give, get! Atkins, the Zone, Ketogenic, Vegetarian, Vegan, South Beach,

21 Raw food, Mediterranean! Did you see those earrings? Mein Gott, but they’re lovely! Is that fresh kettle corn? Humus to live for! Thai chicken and sweet tea this side of Nirvana? Get it all while you can! (They’re not doing door-to-door deliveries yet.)

Strawberries right next to Joey Lucido’s magical funk concertos!

Sweet Elena’s baked happiness!

Did you say English toffee? Buy it and eat it! The rotisserie chicken crew has returned to us from our sister city on the other bay.

Jefferey’s pecans taste as nice as they smell. Yes, yes, yes! Get your blades sharpened and enjoy the music and conversation! Act now to self-realize and help real entrepreneurs achieve fulfillment among the blessed.

(FULL DISCOLOSURE - Mention in this column is based solely on shaky memory and how much the author likes folks mentioned)

I can’t count how many times I failed math.

My sister thinks she’s so smart. She said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her.

ABREAST OF THINGS 22

By Laura ‘LA’ Sottile*

*Writer was summoned by her very own cleavage to speak!

NOTE: CLEAVAGE spoke to her in a British accent, so do your best to emulate.

Hello everyone, we’re here to take a closer look at what society relentlessly takes a closer look at, CLEAVAGE! Think of this a tit talk rather than a TED TALK. Apparently, together we create mystique, a dark passage leading into a treasure trove of sheik… and to arouse numerous behavioral oddities, but alone, we just hang out.

The ladies dictionary, published in March of 1694 by John Dunton was already shaping cleavage into being a type of baby mobile toy. His entry was marked “Breasts” he wrote: “Make them plump and round like ivory globes, bouncy to touch and probe, but reject the ones that hang loose and have lost their charms!”

I see, so we should we just throw the bad ones out? One bad apple spoils the whole bunch girl!

BULLOCKS! Proudly I say, my sister and I are bosom buddies and I speak for the both of us. I’m the extrovert and she is the inverted one. Just the two of us we can make it if we try to discover what this fascination is really about!

Reading between the lines!

Looking into the crack and find out what’s really important. Why? You may be asking. Because here lies the heart, the pulse, like the seconds on Big Ben…Can you hear it? Can you feel it? We live in a clock tower without knowing what time it is. It’s time to set us free!

We want to harness our power but not with an under wire.

Humbly speaking, we can be a receptacle for crumbs, pens, love notes, dubious receipts, cash, sweat, heavenly caresses and even a shield for a vulnerable heart, and of course, we are made for Mother’s Milk.

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I never gave birth and I don’t fit in my pants from last year.

However, being put up on a pedestal and then attaching a parasol has not only inflamed the gawking, panting and slathering from our fans, but it’s made us into an institution. We cannot abide this pressure.

All of us together have built this momentous power over the nation’s focus, a mammalian meme of unprecedented proportion. All we need is to jiggle a jug and everyone is quaking along with us.

We are the number one most sought out image in the entire world! We receive over 38 trillion “LIKES” a day! Adding pesos to Bezos! We want to harness our power but not with an under wire.

Not another torture device like Howard Hughes designed for Jane Russell to emphasize her breasts in The Outlaw. According to Russell, the “ridiculous” contraption was painful and she secretly wore her own bra during the movie.

But, since then, we have made some progress towards our redemption, along with comfortable lingerie, we have fought and won for a clause in film production contracts, known as the “BULLSHIT MOUNTAIN” clause. If we are used as “FILLER” to divert the attention of the viewer away from the main plot we are paid a very large sum!

BRAVO! BRAVA! CLAP! Under pressure! Sing here… under Pressure…Pressure to uplift, to stand out, Pressure to be squeezed in, Pressure to be smashed down and into a balcony bra? What! You want us to sing

an opera! Sod off!

Oh, here’s my favorite Pressure to show but not show too much! As in the case with Hilary Clinton: Washington Post commented on her low cut blouse; “it was drawing attention herself!”

IMPLANTED with foreign objects to plump us up for who?

A Harvey Weinstein or a Charlie Rose? Good GOD! Keep that robe on! Numpty!

We come in 76 billion shapes and sizes which is more than adequate. Unnatural to be molded into one shape fits ALL! No more unregulated standards for us anymore!

Just this morning a young bloke groped us. Right here in the lobby. We screamed, “Bugger off you blaggard!” He couldn’t identity where the voice was coming from! Apparently, he hadn’t read Dr. Seuss’ A HORTON hears a WHO! HELLO! ANYBODY HOME IN THERE! We can’t grow on demand.

We’d like to . We would blow up much, much larger than Trump’s baby ballon in Diapers and let the entire world suckle us until they have absorbed enough nurturing so that all the bloated foolery has gone out of them! A long overdue dignified global wake-up call!

My sister and I cannot help but be divided, but you don’t have to be.

This great divide between what our true purpose is and what we’ve become has cut a permanent stretch mark deep and wide as the Grand Canyon that we can't reach each other anymore.

We’re only flesh and blood after all. We must, we must, we must increase our trust in ALL! Thank you!

23

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, “My wife missed the bus.”

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered, it wasn’t mine.

Back to School Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

It was two o’clock in the morning when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.”

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Jane: “Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?”

Jill: “They already have boyfriends.”

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Answers on pg 26

Student Technology College Monitoring Textbook Art Education Teacher Study Scaffolding Assessment Classroom Benchmark Semester Evaluation Learning Dorm Tutoring Primary Curriculum

NOMADIC NINJA 24

By Robyn Justo

Jingle Bells, am I in Hell? Oh what fun it is to ride in two cars to Arizona (in the dead of summer!)

Spirit moved me again recently so I decided to venture out and transport myself to the desert. I went on yet another downsizing rampage. I made it a point to look at and touch everything I owned to disposition it. Everything I owned had to fit in two vehicles.

I cried when I got to the “historical” tubs of cards, letters, photos, and sentimentals. It was overwhelming doing it in a limited amount of time so I ended up donating countless bags of clothing and other items (even new Victoria’s Secret bras for a good cause) and loaded up my little Matrix. A friend took the seats out of his SUV and packed it full with my tubs, and he, his wife, and I made the trek to my new rocky desert home in less than twelve hours. Fierce.

I have renamed my tubs “totes.” Tubs make moving feel like drudgery, heavy and sad. Totes make it feel like I’m a college kid moving to my new dorm. Whatever works. Humor me.

I suppose for some reason I needed to find out exactly how hot it might be in Hell. The hottest I’ve seen so far was 116’ in my car.

They will tell you that it’s not that hot outside. Oh they lie. Whoever named the famous dessert Baked Alaska should have spelled it incorrectly on purpose (desert!) and called it Baked Arizona. My friend told me that living in Arizona is like opening an oven when you are baking cookies, except there are NO cookies!

Silly me decided to move from

mold and the cold and a jog in the fog to a cute little casita in Carefree, Arizona, the name being deceiving because I now have a few more cares than when I started. Sure, some of the street names are Peaceful Place, Never Mind, Meander Way (I actually live between Peaceful and Meander), but if you drive a little further, you’ll see Bloody Basin Rd. and Long Rifle Rd.

I came here to experience the Phoenix Lights and maybe a UFO or two in hopes of confirming that we are not alone.

Having lived on Maui, I had my share of experiences with big, bad cane spiders, flying cockroaches, and centipedes so I didn’t scare easy. On my very first morning after the move, I found a scorpion in my kitchen sink, rare because they are typically nocturnal. I scared easier than I thought.

I went into Nomadic Ninja mode and grabbed a glass and covered him. He did not like this.

I had asked the owner if there were scorpions in the place and he said only if you leave the doors open which I had no intention of doing, but obviously someone had. He said he had never seen any in his home with the exception of many years ago when he had a party and left the doors open.

I was warned that they are hard to kill and told NOT to smash them because they carry their babies on their backs and they will all jump off and run all over your house and hide. They actually glow in the dark. I was told I need to buy a blacklight so

I could see them and I did not because I do NOT want to know where they are, nor do I want to throw them a party with a mirror ball and disco lighting. They obviously like parties.

So back to my scorpion under glass. There was no Raid handy so I grabbed a bottle of Dawn and sprayed around the perimeter but that didn’t do much but excite him and make his stinger rise Then I got a bottle of Lemon Clorox and sprayed again, moving his new glass house so that my intruder was now in the solution which ended up being MY solution to the problem and a brand new way to euthanize a scorpion.

He (hopefully not a she with babies) immediately and literally melted. I made the owner come down and take his little liquidized body away. Nomadic Ninja 1, Scorpion 0.

I don’t think I have slept a full night since though, nocturnal hyper-bug-vigilance aside. The air conditioning unit here is industrial (and it has to be) and when it comes on it sounds like a Boeing 747 is taking off or landing over my head. One night the frame from the blinds on my bedroom door came crashing down.

Another night there was some sort of huge creature on my roof for hours, scampering back and forth, hopefully not hunting for desert rats!

The owner casually mentioned that, “Oh yeah, there is a big cat who watches us, but he doesn’t do anything.” He said this in the same tone when he mentioned that rattlesnakes that sometimes sleep in front of the sliding door because it’s cool. That is so not cool.

“Exactly HOW big is this cat,” I asked? Then I looked it up in the Carefree (survival) handbook and saw that there are mountain lions, bobcats, puma, and jaguar

here in the boulders. They advise caution when walking in the wee hours of the morning because not only are the rattlesnakes slithering around, but cats, coyote, gila monsters, and javelina (pronounced havelina) are out in full force. The first time I opened the blinds to my patio and saw one of these huge pig-like creatures, I freaked out.

Javelina? Have a heart attack! If they have their adorable peccary babies around, THEY will attack you!

I was now looking under my feet, on the roof, on the road, under my sheets (just in case!) and I am on alert for fires, floods, and wild monsoons. Can I close my eyes tight and wake up in the fog again please? I promise I will not complain about being too cold.

Ok there are some positive things. There are always good reasons why one does something, like choosing a mate who has great qualities that we tend to forget when we are ready to swat him or divorce him. It’s a lot like that.

It’s like living on another planet here. I came here to experience the Phoenix Lights and maybe a UFO or two in hopes of confirming that we are not alone.

The amazing skies take my breath away and the unobstructed views of the landscape are spectacular, but the sights of a scary scorpion or a protective peccary are not. I’m certainly not alone here, but these weren’t the new friends I was expecting.

My car insurance is less, but I had to start over with a new deductible for my prescription drug plan. Go figure. Same company, different state, state of confusion.

I’m using more CBD oil now and hopefully my new drug plan will cover it and Carefree I am not, but I am nonetheless still a Ninja.

25

By Daria James

California Luv Last time I wrote about California, I talked about how I felt like a stranger in paradise.

Well, I was recently in San Diego with my little family and I felt like a stranger no more. I felt like James Brown. I felt good.

I felt like the love would do me no harm, ever. Perhaps the fact that I now call Washington, D.C. home, I can now visit other places and know we are there for a good time and not a long time.

I was telling a friend the only time I miss California is around February, just cold and misery, like I am in Russia or something.

(I can say that I live with the enemy). I even drink vodka to prove it. During that trying time, I remain by thinking about all the positives of living on the east coast, mainly how our lives have changed and how we have grown since our move. I also like to remain indoors and admire the beautiful frosty trees through my double-pane windows. If I do have to go outside, I cover up.

Survival of the fittest, people. It builds character.

I can now visit other places and know we are there for a good time and not a long time.

While in California, I spent time enjoying myself. We went to the beautiful beaches and watched our daughter run around. I took time to appreciate all the sunsets, and yeah, took some pictures for social media.

I’m still human. I rode around town in one of those rental

scooters, and let me tell you, people on the sidewalk give you dirty looks because you are not a pedestrian. But then, cars do not give you the bike treatment. I even stopped at the stop sign and this jerk driving on the other side pulled out as I was going, ugh!

Oh, also, there are areas where there is a no scooter zone and your scooter will automatically slow down. You need to get out of the no scoot zone but the app is still charging you for the time. They’re all out to get your moneys. End of rant. Oh, as I was almost hit by the car, my life did not flash before my eyes, so I guess that is how the folks above let you know you do not going to die today. We also visited old places with yumminess and caught up with some old friends.

Walking around town, I noticed how the San Diego has evolved.

We have to change with the times people, not just our surroundings but our mentalities.

Yeah, back in the day I did things how I thought were right. Today I do things based on lessons learned. If you know better, you should do better. Because that is growing up.

On a side note, my friend said Ellen reminds her of me. She said our jokes and sense of humor are very much alike. I said that was not accurate, I am funnier and have better hair. So, Ellen can keep her million followers and Hollywood homes and her Netflix specials. Although, if she extended a job offer to me to be a part of her writing staff, I would not say no. I wouldn’t want to be rude. I have manners, I’m polite… and hilarious!

1) Would you rather give up breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

2) Is a hot dog a sandwich?

3) What thought instantly makes you feel more relaxed?

4) What’s on your fall fashion list?

Bob #1 1) I could go without lunch as long as I know there is food waiting for me at the end of the day.

2) Where can you even get a hot dog these days? It’s handheld, it eats like a sandwich and there are two independent sides. It’s a sandwich.

3) This may sound odd but I think about the movie Tootsie and how good Dustin Hoffman looked in a dress.

4) I’m not a big fashion guy. Maybe more trips to the laundromat would be a god start.

Robert 1) I can go days without food. I don’t want to but I can.

2) Hot dogs are not a sandwich. Have you ever tried to order a hotdog sandwich at ball game?

3) I think of the day I married my wife. I also think of the day I divorced her.

4) Long pants and a jacket.

Roberta 1) I love to eat and invested heavily in my waist line. As long as I know I can snack on whatever I want, I would give up breakfast.

2) I never thought about it. You can call it anything you want but please make sure you call me when you’re serving them up!

3) The thought of a man picking up after themselves and doing dishes.

4) I’ll shelf my bamboo handbag and statement sneakers for a warm coat from a resale store. 2019 fashions made me broke and I still looked overweight.

Bob #2 1) I don’t wake up until noon so that’s not a fair question.

2) I’ve worked in fast food and sandwich shops and hotdogs were not on the menu.

3) I like to listen to the sound of the ocean in my head. Most of the time it’s just my ears ringing.

4) A good fashion statement for me would be to have clothes that fit. I spend a lot of time in a work uniform.

26 would you like to start?”

“In three months.”

How do you confuse a blonde?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

I posted a blonde joke on Facebook accompanied by: “for my blonde friends... an apology”.

One of them responded. “You don’t have to apologize for having blonde friends.”

A blonde calls United Airline. She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”

The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute...”

The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at the Sports Center when a girl begins to drown, screaming “lifesaver! lifesaver!”

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks “cherry or grape?”

Q: Why do blondes smile when there’s lightning?

A: Because they think they’re getting their picture taken.

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you’re doing.” At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. “What went wrong?”

The blonde said, “At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.”

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?”

The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

The owner of a souvenir store on Cannery Row tells a blonde applicant, “I’ll give you $15 an hour and in three months, I’ll raise it to $18 an hour. So, when

On the first day of training at Skydive Monterey Bay, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.

She says, “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?

A: She forgot to close her eyes.

As the crowded elevator descended, a woman became furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped the husband and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

It was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t” said his wife. “I did.”

A blonde goes to a soda machine.

She puts in a dollar and gets a

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room.

The little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger.”

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you crying” asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly, “I’m here for a urine test.”

Paulette and her boards have systematically worked to make sure that County Supervisor designated arts money and outside grants reach the marginalized and low-income communities our region as well. apparently crackpot idea out of Boston. They asked to have a family arts centered New Year’s celebration called First Night take over the entire downtown and conference center. Amazingly, Monterey City Council backed the idea and was proved wise.

As former Mayor Dan Albert has often observed, “Monterey had a great time that New Years while Santa Cruz had expensive destructive riots.”

Come to Light Up the Night: A Tribute to Paulette Lynch on Sunday October 6, 2019 from 5:00 – 8:00 PM! Why should you want to know about Paulette Lynch?

Paulette Lynch is the arts advocate and advocate whose vision and ability to find funding brought equity in access to the arts to Monterey County as no one else in our history ever has.

In 1992, she founded First Night Monterey, our family and arts themed New Years Celebration.

Paulette has served as the Executive Director of the Arts Council for Monterey County since April of 2004 and will retire this month. Build on her legacy.

Why does Paulette Lynch think, “Art is the Answer?”

She’s seen it happen. Paulette led the fight to bring greater equity in access to the arts to Monterey County as never before.

Paulette Lynch - Woman of the Hour In 1992, Paulette and her husband Ken Peterson and their crew of arts activists pitched an

Digression - First Night Lives!

Like fun? Thank Paulette. Get your First Night Monterey 2020 buttons now at http:// www.firstnightmonterey.org/.

It’s an amazing bargain to see musicians, dancers, singers, poets, and arts activities from 3 PM to midnight downtown -indoors, outdoors.

Going Countywide - Enter the Hammered Dulcimer Player In 2002, when Paulette came to the Cultural Council for Monterey County, the organization was broke. The organization had just lost $100,000s on world music festivals whose final demise coincided with 911 in 2001. The County Supervisors cut Cultural Council funding. In comes Paulette!

Backstory - The Good Fight Before Paulette came to the Cultural Council, now the Arts Council, county money for the arts was not distributed fairly.

85% of the money stayed on the peninsula, while the rest of the county was shortchanged.

Money for Arts Justice Under Paulette’s leadership arts funding came back. In 2007 the Packard Foundation and California Arts Council funded expanded arts education for South County. In 2007, Packard Foundation and California Arts Council support expanded arts education for South County. Now the Arts Council collaborates with Hewlett Foundation, First Night Monterey and the City of Greenfield. The old city jail is now the Greenfield Cultural Art Center.

Art As Healing for Incarcerated Youth Teaching artist, program designer, and manager Linda Pedrazzini Hevern started working with the Arts Council with the program Art As Healing for cancer survivors. In 2007, Linda came to the Arts Council Board with a plan to bring an Arts Intervention Program For Incarcerated Youth into the County Sheriff’s office Probation Department’s Youth Center in Salinas. The program services 14 to not yet 18 year-old boys with in-depth arts training. They learn who they really are as they learn to plan and execute individual and team projects.

Young people with trauma learn to cope with their issues and expand their life skills through the artistic process.

The program’s graduates overwhelmingly stay out of jail over the following years. The work is exhibited in the Monterey Room at the County Government Center, Elkhorn Slough Visitors

27 Center etc. Funding for the Arts Intervention Program for Incarcerated Youth at the Youth Center is sunsetting. So if you can help keep the program going …

Help!!!

So Light Up the Night!

Meanwhile, unincarcerated youth need art too. Light Up the Night: A Tribute to Paulette Lynch will keep the doors open at First Night Monterey, celebrate more New Years with family art, and provide art classes for kids in New Monterey and Greenfield.

Where: Sunset Center, San Carlos Street at Ninth Avenue, in Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA 93921Carmel When: Sunday, October 6th, from 5 to 8 p.m. in the lobby and the theater.

Tickets: Advance early bird tickets are $50 before September 20 th. Tickets are $75 after September 20 th and at the door.

Donations are also welcome.

Tickets are available at https:// www.eventbrite.com/e/light-upthe-night-a-tribute-to-paulettelynch-tickets-68055324307?utmmedium=discovery&utmcampaign=social&utmcontent=attendeeshare&utmsource=strongmail&utmterm=listing#tickets.

DISCLAIMER – On St. Patrick’s Days Paulette Lynch has played hammered dulcimer with Pat Clark and Michael Houston.

Michael Houston is a past president of the Arts Council for Monterey County and a First Night Monterey board member.

28

Sep 1-22 Beauty and the Beast

The classic story of how to learn to love and accept love comes to life at the outdoor Forest Theater.

Pacrep.org

Sep 1 Shark History of the Monterey Bay

National Procrastination Day

One of these years, we’re going to get round to celebrating this day.

Sep 6-31

Monterey County Fair

Of Mice and Men

Western Stage presents John Steinbeck’s classic commentary on the social climate at the time in 1958, which still resonates today. It speaks to the condition of the homeless, powerless and neglected people in a manner that compels us to look again at their plight. westernstage.com

Sep 7 CA Condor Day

Visit the beautiful new exhibit, highlighting species recovery and the Big Sur region. Enjoy program presentations, bird walks, youth activities, snacks and beverages. ventanaws.org

PG Art Center

Sep 1-2

Sep 1-14

Festa Italia

This year will mark the 86 year honoring the local fishermen of Monterey, past and present.

Celebrated with Italian food and drink and amazing entertainment. festaitaliamonterey.org

Sep 6

Respected Fisheries Historian, Tim Thomas leads you on a walking history of how sharks were fished in the bay and where we are now with modern day research. montereywharf.com

High Tides and Carnival Rides is this year’s theme. The fair shows off the best in family friendly entertainment. Concerts, food, rides, exhibits, animals, crafts and people you only see once a year. montereycountyfair.com

Sep 6-8

Sep 4 Eat an Extra Dessert Day

You know you want it. In the big picture, no one will remember your gluttonous impulse.

Sep 5-8 Six Plays to Sunday

A reading committee selects six plays from all entries followed by feedback and discussion with the author. paperwing.com

Sep 6 First Friday Artwalk

Oldtown comes to life with artist receptions, music, spoken word, dance and beautiful weather. www.1stfridays.org

Explore Perception of Place with the works by the California Society of Printmakers (CSP) and MPC Printmakers. See how the 3rd Industrial Revolution has greatly influenced Kate Simmons with Paradigm Shift.

Take fabric, scissors and the play of light and be mesmerized with Joy Colangelo’s Painting with Scissors. pgartcenter.org

Sep 7 Understanding and Mitigating Climate Change

Mike Clancy is Former Technical and Scientific Director of the Fleet Numerical Meteorology and Oceanography Center in Monterey. He has presented this topic numerous times, to engaged, inquisitive audiences with wonderful reviews. carmelvalleyroadco.com

Sep 9 Teddy Bear Day

He makes you feel secure in an otherwise insecure world.

A good day to give to Teddy Bears with Heart. teddybearswithheart.org

Sep 11 911 Remembrance Day

We doubt anyone will ever forget where they were on the morning of September 11, 2001.

29

Sep 11

Sep 24

Twilight cycle riding

Pure Insurance Championship

Pedal around the 11-turn, 2.238mile race track highlighted by the legendary Corkscrew that drops an equivalent of over five stories. weathertechraceway.com

Sep 13-15 IMSA Sports Car Championship Nonstop action among the prototype and GT sports cars when the international drivers challenge the twists and turns on their way for championship points. weathertechraceway.com

Sep 14

Sep 20-22

Oktoberfest

Firestone Grand Prix of Monterey

Forget about the posers, this is the real deal. Featuring a fabulous traditional German setting.

Lots of fun with merriment, music, dancing, beer and other beverages and food. oktoberfestmonterey.com

Sep 14

The wait is over for the highlyanticipated return of INDYCAR racing to our area. America’s premier open-wheel series crowns its 2019 champion at the season finale. weathertechraceway.com

Sep 25

Carmel Art Walk

Uncle Sam Day

During the war of 1812, barrels of meat were stamped “U.S.” The supplier was Samuel Wilson of Troy, New York. Solders jokingly referred to him as “Uncle Sam”.

In 1813, the first image of “Uncle Sam” appeared.

Sep 14 North Fremont Street Dedication

It is finally finished. Come see what that strip in the middle of the road is all about. northfremontmonterey.org

National Comic Book Day

Carmel was born as a Bohemian art colony. The number of galleries outnumber the restaurants. carmelartwalk.com

In all comic books, good eventually prevails over evil.

Comic books always make you feel good.

Sep 14-27

Sep 27-29

Peter Pan 70th Birthday

Sep 13

This unique pro-junior event impacts The First Tee. It’s been played at Pebble Beach Golf Links since 2004, with neighboring Poppy Hills Golf Course joining the tournament rotation in 2014. pebblebeach.com

In the wake of their father’s death, five siblings reconnect with childhood dreams as the refusal to grow up confronts the inevitability of growing old. westernstage.com

Sep 19 WC Songwriters

Hosted by Downtown Book & Sound for one of the oldest and most active songwriter organizations in the world. Come perform, watch, listen and be a part of something really cool. westcoastsongwriters.org

Sep 21 Day of Peace Gathering

A celebration of humanity and a re-dedication to world peace through music, art, dance. This event has a non-political, peaceful intention that brings together community, musicians, artists and dancers from all over the Monterey area.

Bring a dish to share. peacecentral.wordpress.com

September 21 Community Power Festival

A celebration of clean energy, community, and sustainability, presented in a family friendly, educational, festival setting. mbcommunitypower.org

Monterey Jazz Fest

Still going strong for 62 years. Over 500 artists will be performing nonstop on eight stages for nights and two days of the world’s best jazz at the 62nd Monterey Jazz Festival. montereyjazzfestival.org

Sep 28 Ask Stupid Question Day

Today is the day to unload all those questions that you thought were too stupid or dumb to ask.

Sep 29 Confucius Day

Born in China on October 18, 551 B.C., Confucius is one of the earliest of the great philosophers.

30

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 19

Foolish Search The teacher was terrified to hear one of her students swearing.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you learn how to talk that way?”

“From my father.” He said.

“Your dad should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that either. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do. It means the car won’t start.”

Answers from page 23

Guide to Local Businesses & Services DIVORCE Affordable Divorces

We can help you get it done timely, respectfully and without the high cost of an attorney.

22 years of proven success.

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TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA

Efficient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems?

Call for solutions.

831.625.4272

CA TRAVEL BOOKS

REAL ESTATE

Venturing out?

CA Road Trips Staycation?

Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

Trinkle Real Estate

HOME CARE S&J Homecare

Available on short notice.

We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands.

Excellent references. CPR certified.

831.277.8780

Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be.

Affordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax.

806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS

APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeff’s Appliance Repair & Service

In home service and repair.

Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up.

831.7472036

PHONE REPAIR Fix It All

Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Affordable.

Del Monte Center 831.38.4851

WIN Dinner for Two at Black Bear Diner 831.648.1038

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

TYPEWRITER REPAIR Wallace Office Machines Second generation and last of its kind. I repair and sell all types of typewriters. Accepting commercial accounts.

831.422.3707

To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

31

The Best in

,C sed ons ign o p r R ep u m en t s , Vintage & T h rif t !

Featured Shop: Working Man Furniture Over 20 years at the same historic location.Tip top quality furniture, art, tools, clothing, jewelry, sports equipment, books and much more. Delivery and pick-up serves available.

CONSIGNMENT buy

SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org

PacRep’s Neverland Benefit Shop 443 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org

sell

Working Man Furniture 10728 Merritt St Downtown Castroville 831.789.5901

Resale Here

Choose Your Treasure 211 Pearl St. Downtown Monterey 831.747.1633

Last Chance Mercantile MRWMD 14201 Del Monte Blvd.

Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org

Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org