October 2018
If a clown farts....
Does it smell funny?
ROTA is Back, But You Already Knew » Pg. 11 Event Calendar » Pg. 26
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Monterey Room, Monterey County Fairground Lectures Free with Admission—Raffle Prizes Readers, Healers, Vendors More—Wear Your Costume www.ROTAPsychicFair.com
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool........................Susie Q. Art Fool......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool.....................Jonah Dee
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks It’s that time of year again with open enrollment for medical insurance. Last year I didn’t really understand what my insurance policy covered until I suffered an injury and ended up in an emergency room. Being under anesthesia is like being back in college. You pass out in one room and wake up in another. The hospital’s new billing system was divided into parts and labor. The EOB from my insurance carrier said, “You are an idiot. Being an idiot is a pre-existing condition. We are not covering anything on this claim.” I wish my parents would have signed up for the extended warranty on my body parts when I was born. I recently switched doctors not based on where he went to school or how long he has been practicing. It was not a worry that his diploma was drawn with a crayon and his license to practice had a lot of white out on it. What bothered me were the dead plants in his waiting room, not a good sign.
My new doctor is a good guy. In this aging community he is also a very busy. At my last appointment he told me I had a virus. Virus is a Latin word for, ‘Your guess is as good as mine.’ The side effect of filling the prescription was more debt. I watch a lot of late night TV and should have paid attention to the commercials to find out what nine out of doctors recommend. It would have been a lot cheaper. Please take this seriously and don’t grow up to be like me. My insurance agent thought he was doing me a favor by recommending a plan that saved me money. I signed up for a Yugo medical plan and should have read the fine print. You go to the doctor, you pay... you go to the hospital, you pay!
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts. 433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444
Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn´t collect until the whole group is sick.
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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Yet, another idea...a farce-booka-thon! Running for 27 hours in virtually the same cyberspace circuit. You conceded to amateur conversation, concluding with thousands of “Likes,” such pizazz. Then why do you feel like a jittery desert, you wonder. Just think what you could do with a kiss-a-thon. Certainly your lover would prefer. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Hurry up! You loathe being rushed...move it! This disgusts you especially when you are so dependable and always show up. You are more than your data, more than what your profile claims you to be. Into the deep dark depths of your Bullish ass lies a soul ready for a quantum leap. Shine up your nose ring and show your contacts what real time communication is about. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Has anyone made you laugh lately? Listen to yourself gossiping. You can only fritter your twitter just so much before your face resembles a snapchat. You may cry salty tears after you hear what “they” have been saying about you, things like toil, boil and hedge-pig whined. Not quite what you had in mind is it? Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Can one kiss do all of this? If it’s Dracula’s, hell yes! Even your ringtone is playing “Bite Me.” Don’t rush headlong into anything. First you need a transfusion before you can trust how you feel. Clear history and Refresh before you count on The Count to tell how many tweets it takes to make you twitch.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion How long has this world shaking conversation been going on? Small talk is not for you, unless it’s all about you. This Hyena co-worker has spritzed its wits all over you for the last time! You are cool as a cucumber until your tail taps a haunted rap song and there lies a litany of diverse tempestual rhythms. You are a big star, I assure you, it’s just that the monitor is small. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Head of Toad...Keep in mind you are a person who thinks. This is a means to a beginning. Behind the curtain of an exotic neurotic thrives a functional advantage: Being able to refer to your ethics on a daily basis. You wouldn’t be caught dead at the end of a camera tentacle that was hoovering your personal data and distributing it to say Farce-Book, Fritter or Welp! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You are thinking that the way you feel must be illegal! (Is it?) Since you are the Tiffanys of the Zodiac, extorting advertising dollars for your birthday desires is a synch with all that Libra-L charm. You shall get all your birthday wishes this year because you are so linked in! (But, just n’ case have the GodFather on speed-dial). Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A passive You doesn’t blow. That is exactly what Farce-Book is, a passive view on events occurring willy nilly throughout the day. No wonder you are tooth of wolf after shedding your identity...careful that it doesn’t bleed into an unrestrainable behavior that could destroy that eloquent anonymity of yours.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer There is lot’s of itchy, witchy, bitchy in the air! What happened SAG to your joie-de-vivre?! Did you get swiped from the predicts of what “they” think might interest you? Autumn in New York or golf in the Ozarks? You can’t decipher where all this spam is coming from-Wool of Bat! What APP really stands for is, Apply Pressure Promptly to injury or end up in the outlands alone! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Melancholy Baby ~ You desire real conversation and not some pasted post of pictures from a third party posing as a friend. It’s been a long time since you’ve bitten the neck of a juicy intelligent conversation. Arrgh! It’s ok pumpkin, all desires coming from where you least detect it. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier When Faced with a head-on approach you tend to retreat! Face it and see through the shadow lurking. This could be a case of human trafficking...‘round about that cauldron of yours, seek the antidote for being sucked in.
Whatever it takes, toe of frog or a fenny snake, be the person in private that you reward yourself for in public.
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Whispered in the moon’s eclipse... your thousand Faces speak. Still remain unique, elusive, untouchable and mysterious, and no, not a freak. PI you have a modern day quality with a touch of the ethereal. Not too many get you babe. Makes no difference at all because your daydreams are your truest reality. Edge your way to the cliff’s crest and dive into the vastness of your imagination and peak!
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.
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By Craig Hubler
The Golden Prize
No one on the Olympic ice skating committee had ever come across the name of Mai Soo Kim, but what they had before them was impressive enough. Going over the list of ladies singles contestants who had qualified to compete, the committee had seen Mai Soo Kim’s name and drawn a complete blank. “Really now,” implored the chairman, “at this level of competition, surely at least one of you has seen this young woman skate?” There was a brief uncomfortable silence as those present looked at one another with nothing but blank stares. “Well, sir,” the secretary finally said, “the only thing we have besides her application is a video of a previous performance.” After another 10 minutes, during which the footage was
played, all agreed she was a most accomplished skater— certainly more than adequate for competition. A few more queries and checks, and she was entered, and then she was for the most part forgotten. Months passed, and the muchawaited Olympics opened with the usual fanfare. Some days later, and to the surprise of many, Mai Soo found herself placed in the top ten skating contestants. Suddenly the world was abuzz. All of the networks began to dig up anything they could find on her, yet all came away with maddeningly little. Interviews with her were polite, yes, but she seemed distant and gave out little of use to any reporter. The video clips that the committee held were distributed throughout the media, who made
bleak attempts to put together any kind of segment to show the world just who this young woman was. There was not much to show, but then again, few expected her to medal. And no one in the world expected what she had in store for her final program. As Mai Soo took to the ice for her final skate, commentators again speculated and played up what little they knew. As with all skaters, she had submitted an outline of the various moves she would be attempting. Music drifted across the ice, and the lithe young woman began her long program. “A good, clean skate,” was how most reported it as she conducted her performance. Nothing spectacular, but technically flawless. Then, just before the end, Mai Soo Kim did something that stunned everyone. It is generally known in the world of professional ice skating that a triple axel performed correctly takes an average of 1.2 seconds. Mai Soo Kim’s … took three. The difference was so bewildering to the judges and the audience that an audible, unanimous sigh was let out in the arena, broadcast to the entire world. Its effect was stunning, and it secured for Mai Soo Kim, despite all of the previous and following performances by other skaters, the gold medal.
The crowd cheered the new champion as the reward was placed around her neck while the appropriate anthem was played, yet instead of smiles or tears, most who watched that day would remember only a faraway look in the skater’s eyes. Reporters scrambled feverishly to interview her after, yet she was nowhere to be found. Mai Soo had slipped away … Far above the earth, hidden from view, a most unusual ship took on a beautiful young woman. Walking briskly to the bridge, she met its captain, saluted, and removed the shiny gold medal from around her neck. “Mission accomplished, sir,” she said as she handed the prize to her superior. “Finally,” spoke captain Vartoo. “I’ve always wanted to see one of these. Well done, Mai Soo, well done!” Craig Hubler is a local metal sculptor and serves as a city council member in Sand City. His short story collection, “Surprise, Seventeen Short Stories to ExerciseYour Eyebrows,” can be purchased online through Amazon or wherever books are sold.
Books are TV for smart people.
There are 16 year olds competing at the Olympics and I still push on pull doors.
By Rex Keyes
Tidbits OF Halloween
Well it’s party time again this month with Halloween coming up. It’s time to decorate the house with pumpkins and spider webs. Of course some of us already have spider webs but they are too small. Yes, the webs are on the outside of the house, ha! ha! ha! Next year I’ll leave out an energy drink, Ensure, for the elderly spiders and Red Bull for the younger ones to build larger webs. We mostly have Daddy Long Legs, a spider that is rumored to have small fangs and can’t penetrate human skin. So we consider them harmless except that they are bad news to other spiders and keep them away.
year to ward off salespeople but somebody would probably show up trying to sell a line of clothing that is fireproof, or hot chili sauce, charcoal briquettes, hot dogs or Hot Pockets. Of course no one would probably show up trying to sell fire extinguishers. A lot of people sometimes drive far away to take their kids to an area to get more candy where there are a lot of homes side by side. For instance, many years ago, there was a new development a few miles out of Salinas. It was unbelievable the amount of people from Salinas that took their kids there to trick-
-or-treat. Every street parking place was taken up with cars and there were so many other cars on the streets it was difficult to get around the development. It was like being in crowded New York City. The bad thing about Halloween this year is that it occurs on a Wednesday. For those who work and go to a late night Halloween party, they are going to have to survive the next day at work. They will have very little sleep and maybe, just maybe, a hangover. They could request the day after Halloween to be taken as a vacation day. That way they can sleep in at
9 home and recover from partying. Of course some people are experienced at recovering the next day at work after a party the night before and may seem like zombies or hyper because they have taken a couple of espressos at Starbuck’s. The best answer to a client if they are working on the client’s project would be, “I am looking into that situation and should have an answer within the week.” I have to leave with one piece of advice. Candy is just like espresso. It will put you into high gear. One advantage to candy is eating it just before doing some house chores like mowing the lawn, washing the car, washing windows, playing tennis, swimming or surfing. Oops! The last three weren’t chores but having fun. Anyway have a Happy Halloween!!!
Candy is just like espresso. It will put you into high gear. One October a neighbor decorated their house and no salesperson rang their door bell to sell things. It could be that right next to the doorbell was placed a sign that said, “Mr. & Mrs. Lucifer and kids.” They thought about keeping that sign up for the whole
I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and now you’re all baptized.
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female’s body. Then I was born.
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1. Who is a ghoul? 2. Where did Halloween originate? 3. Trick or Treat?
Bob #1 1. A ghoul is how someone from Boston says ‘girl’. 2. Halloween originated when Hershey and Mars Candy Companies wanted to sell more candy. Hallmark and Budweiser got in the game much later. 3. I don’t take very well to being tricked. Although I think this is a trick question.
Robert 1. It’s another word for a spook that doesn’t exist. It’s something no one has ever seen but is afraid of. 2. Halloween originated in Ireland. Parents needed a reason to get their kids out of the house and stop driving them crazy for just one night. 3. I’m a real trickster. I like playing pranks on other people. Just don’t do it back to me. There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Roberta 1. A ghoul is a grave robber. I was married young and that’s a cradle robber. 2. Halloween wasn’t a big deal in our neighborhood. Most people were afraid to go out at night. 3. I like treats. Shame on me for admitting that I always have candy in the house.
Bob #2 1. I don’t really know. But if it is a person they would be creepy. 2. I think it started in Transylvania. The Russians took the place over during the cold war and renamed it. 3. When I said Trick or Treat as a kid, I got candy. As an adult I get a TRO.
Answers on page 24
ROTA is coming … With so much uncertainty in the world, it can be tempting to seek enlightenment from unusual places. Psychics have been around for most of human history and their ability to give actionable advice about life and the future has turned skeptics into believers. The ROTA Psychic and Healing Arts Expo has been a mainstay of Monterey County since 1983. It is considered one of the best in the country. Locally owned, Magic for Life® took over the event in 2013. Solarzar, an ex-Marine, is the owner and promoter. “We have a great returning audience. They love it. They come from different locations. Monterey Fairgrounds offer a great location for the event. We welcome the new youthful
You had to ask?
audience and are happy for first time attendees.” What exactly is ROTA? ROTA is the Road of Transformation Arts and is also an anagram for the word tarot. The two day, multifaceted event is about showing up and having an experience. There is more than imaginable to make you comfortable and challenge your curiosity. You can feel the energy when you walk through the door and are greeted with welcoming smiles by people who are there to help guide you and answer any question you may have. There are ongoing lectures and a variety of vendors offering a wide array of books, crystals, minerals, healing stones, jewelry along with assorted
services and other products. I carry around Healerite that I purchased at last year’s event. It’s a newly discovered stone from a remote mountain area in the greater northwest. The stone’s frequency connects to my solar plexus and heart chakras. It supports me emotionally so that I become emotionally balanced with heart centered awareness. It also helps me to see the lessons of past life experiences so I can move forward. If you don’t already know, ask me how I feel. The core of the event is centered on the readers and healers. Many people wonder what to expect the first time they attend ROTA, and there really is no single answer. Psychics offer much more
Rain or Shine • Open 4-7pm
comprehensive advice than many people might assume. Palmistry, numerology, astrology, and tarot, as well as fun and entertaining handwriting analysis and Tree Readings are ways for psychics to help guide you through sought after information. For those of you who stopped reading at Tree Reading, we turn this over turn to Solarzar. “A person draws a tree and from their drawing, you can base the aspects of their character. How they chose to represent the tree and how detailed the picture. A tree gives a lot of allegorical references. The leaves, limbs and trunk all represent different things. Tree Reading have been around for a long time. It’s a fun thing. The reason I got in to this is because some people don’t want anything labeled as physic. The same reason for handwriting analysis.” See you at the lecture to learn a simple technique to strengthen your Lower Dan Tian and Snow Mountain. By the end of the day, the world will be a better place … but you already knew that. Magic for Life® broadcasts a pod cast at goodvibrationsradio.com every Monday with guests and segment hosts. “We all have the opportunity to create the magic in our life.”
Farmer’s Market Every Tuesday
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Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
We’re Green! ‘18
For information
831.655.2607 Alvarado St
My allergy test results are back. They conclude that I may have been intended for life on some other planet.
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By Debbie Harris
PLAYING (with a) POSSUM
One Saturday on my way out, I stopped by a neighbor’s for a moment before I left. As I walked to my car from two doors down, I could see an animal under the rear of my car. My first assumption was that it was one of the neighborhood feral cats, who would skitter away as soon as I got closer. But as I got closer, this one didn’t move and didn’t look familiar to me. Odd. In close range, I peered under my car and saw that the creature was a possum (ok, really an opossum). It just lay there with beady, glossedover eyes and an open mouth, with its tongue sticking partway out. I’d heard about these animals “playing possum,” appearing to be dead when they really weren’t, so I looked carefully for breathing but
didn’t see any movement. Its blank eyes stared straight ahead and its toothy mouth seemed to form a wicked smile. Was it taunting me? “Believe I’m dead and put your face down in front of me so I can jump up and bite it.” After a few moments, I came to the uncertain conclusion that this animal was dead. My next thought was to call animal control to come retrieve the deceased. But would they come on a Saturday? The terse young woman at Animal Control said that the office was closed and that most people just picked up the dead animal with a shovel and put it in their garbage. Seriously? I really didn’t want to do that. She conceded that she could send an
officer by for a pick-up. I thought that was a good idea and said that I would even move the critter out of my driveway onto the sidewalk to be sure I didn’t run over him (yes, in my intense examination to determine signs of life, I noticed that it was a him). The woman on the phone sighed and told me in a distasteful tone that this call would be low priority to all the other police calls of the day. Police? I thought she meant an animal control officer would pick up Chuckie. I didn’t want to bother the police with a dead possum. Sigh. I conceded to shoveling Chuckie into my garbage myself and hung up.
Had he been the loser in a dancing animal street fight, like the opossum version of West Side Story? I’d never know. I found a shovel and brought my garbage bin to the front yard near the corpse. How did Chuckie end up there anyway? Had he had a fight with his girlfriend, went out for some air, got hit by a car and staggered into my driveway? Had he eaten tainted garbage and decided to take a rest under my car — an eternal rest? Had he been the loser in a dancing animal street
fight, like the opossum version of West Side Story? I’d never know. I’m not a wiz with a shovel but I’d seen someone shovel up a dead animal before and it looked like a pretty fast and easy movement. Well, though I confirmed that Chuckie was dead, he must not have been dead for very long because when I pushed with the shovel, Chuckie’s soft flesh jiggled, and moved away. A successful Weight Watcher member he was not. Rigor mortis would have been helpful at that point, but Chuckie didn’t have it. Try as I might from different angles, Chuckie was not about to get into that shovel. I needed leverage. I got a rake and pushed Chuckie with the rake on one side, while I scooped with the shovel on the other. Finally in the shovel, I carefully moved Chuckie to the trash and dropped him on a full Glad bag. Chuckie departed my premises on garbage day. I checked after pick up for his vacant eyes and toothy smile. He was gone. Maybe I should have made a mold for a Halloween mask. It would have been pretty creepy. Happy Halloween!
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
The downside of dating intelligent people is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly.
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A BUSKER’S VIEW – By Michael Houston
Foolish Metaphysics In and Around the Gutter
Mindfulness, is where it’s at. What’s not to like about consciously or unconsciously being aware of something? Fast cars, the hotly sexually attractive people or things, items at brick and mortar stores and internet sites are all manifestations of somebody’s marketing cunning mindfulness or Karl Yung’s Common Unconscious. Let me testify that mindfulness is key to a fulfilling life as a street busker and could-be musician. Periodically, I achieve a mindful state by focusing on the present moment. I calmly acknowledge my inability to play coherent licks, keep time or articulate lyrics as I embrace my awkward bodily sensations, feelings, and thoughts. I become one with the cosmos, a street busker of the enlightened dirty, sick, poor and ugly variety, rain or shine in the markets. Everyone in every sector of the education, industrial and financial complex can benefit from mindfulness. Auto repo folk, landlords, banker/usurers, used car sales people, insurance brokers, and our fellow highway and daylight robbers all live largely by mindfulness. Transcend your pain, self-respect, education, and intelligence and follow the path of Mindfulness. It’s therapeutic for both the perpetrator and the mark. Mindfulness is sort of a road to
Enlightenment Now (Pinker, 2018). We transcend suffering by learning not to be fooled again so often. What then is good mindful karma? Easy! At any farmers market you buy excellent strawberries, avocados, honey, sharper blades, nuts, roasted chickens, sweaters, jewelry, bumper stickers, pastry, salsa, humus, tamales, teriyaki kabobs, salves, desserts and cold squeezed elixirs from people who are friendly to you and, more importantly, to buskers! (Free samples? Take’m. They feed the body and soul, and provide quality control.) Mindfulness lets you practice philanthropy toward us/ me street musicians, our fellow beggars, and your local merchants. Mindfullynessly, you learn to adequately tip your hospitality workers on a higher plane. As Lao Tzu, the Hollywood producer of global blockbuster I-Ching queried, “Why not pay more?” “That’s Eastern wisdom?” saith the Poor Mouth, i.e. Irish for a “cheap arsed” Anglo-Irish American person or the like. Alternately, mindlessness is the key element of American exceptionalism. Nothing else explains it. Worse still, it’s contagious. Hallelujah! Consider that dead Canadian guy getting to touch somebody else’s perfect
body with his flippin’ mind! ( #metoo/#No,notme,no,no,no!) Mindlessness lets everybody off the hook for everything. That music group from the Other Bay Area, Día Verde, nailed it with their song about the eegits they didn’t want to be. While idiocy is a timeless manifestation of humanity, the ever-expanding meaning of “American” follows both the great circle of life and the pirate code. Steal; say you own it; get your descendants to blame more recent immigrants and the yet unborn for all your screwups. They can blame you now and later for all the good it does them. Don’t forget to vote wisely, Little Butterfly. Our undisputed claim to American idiocy compels everyone else on Earth to forgive our: continental land grabbing; environmental Armageddon; genocides; historic and ongoing slavery; racist/sexist practices; and endless global military interventions. (Gentle reader, remember to blame the Left or Right depending on how you’ve managed to program yourself and those you love. That too is mindlessness!) Were it not for our military, sworn to defend our democracy, we’d be doing far worse! Thank them for their service. (Yes, really!)
Punch Lines So, No mind is best! Mind you, “bushin no shin” in zen Buddhism, has your mind not fixed or occupied by thought or emotion, but open to everything! -To my mind, “open to everything” means, “Look at the fine print on that lease or cable contract before you sign anything.” -Don’t beat yourself up because you have the nerve to exist between throes of mindlessness and mindfulness. There’s no shame in being predator and/or prey. -Om! Catch the vibe and forgive yourself. At Foolish Times, we don’t mind.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... BA-DUMM-TSS
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
14
By Lily Brun
The DNA of a Gnome
When I was a kid, my Dad loved to make words silly. He would say scissors and sword and pronounce the ‘c’ and ‘w.’ He’d say K-night and anSWer. He’d right upside down and backwards. In fact, the first time I ever wrote my name I wrote: nurb ylil. Suffice it to say, he loved the English language with all of its rules and foibles and imperfections. I inherited that love from him. He didn’t love gardening, though, I inherited that fondness from my Croatian Dedo. Quite often in the quiet of the garden I hear them both in my head. My Dedo’s voice is loving and kind, about treating plants with tenderness. My Dad’s makes me laugh inside as I harvest thisT-les and cut lim-B’s off of trees or pick ras-P-berries. But I laugh out loud with the word gnome. Not just because the word is funny — in my head I say ge-nome (my Dad would be so proud) — but because the garden sculptures, themselves, are just ridiculous. And I have a collection. What does that say about me?! It led me on a search to discover the attraction behind these tiny effigies that depict men with long white beards and pointed red hats in various states of leisurely pastimes
that we scatter about our yards. Their popularity started in Germany in the 1800s. But it really skyrocketed after Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. All that hi-hoing and off-to-workwe’re-going highlighted their charm … even though a dwarf is not technically the same as a gnome. Really, did you think they were?! Their mythical DNA shows distinct differences from each other. In the world of fairytale creatures, dwarves are wise, friendly, hardworking and populate the forests and mountains. Gnomes, not so friendly characters who live underground. So gnomes have different genomes. Aha! Vindication for my quirkiness with the English language. What are the odds that these two words would be so similar? 158,662,334 to 1. Ok, I made that up. But these are storybook characters, so a little exaggeration is forgivable. Except for that fact that these miniature gartenzwerges (that’s German) have been elevated to human-like existence, imbued with rights and freedoms. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front, an organization with the sole purpose of liberating gnomekind everwhere, has issued a call to arms to alleviate the cruelty garden gnomes are forced to endure by stealing them out of their outdoor environment. This is real. There’s
even a Facebook page in support of this gnoble endeavor. No longer will gnomes be discriminated against because of their inability to stand-up for themselves … or to stand up at all. Even the world’s most prestigious gardening event in the world, The Chelsea Flower Show, banned these tacky little people from the grounds of their show for 100 years, only to bend to popular demand and allow them back into the show’s garden beds a few years ago. Gnomophobes took a back seat to kitschy charm. And charming they are, literally. Considered a lucky talisman by millions around the world, the garden gnome has moved well past its Germanic motif and into the realm of multi-cultural relevance. You’ll find them with a sombrero, in a bathing suit, with a jersey from a favorite spots team, dressed as Jerry Garcia and Uncle Sam and, now, there are even female gnomes. Never let it be said that gnome genomes are resting on their garden laurels.
What’s the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They’re under a buck.
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15
Sucks to be YOU! Showing the love...
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
16
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By Jann Gargiulo October was my favorite time on the farm. I loved the smell of the leaves as we raked the leaves to a special place Daddy had chosen. Then he gathered us all around the leaves … not too close! And he lit a fire! We had hot dogs and chips, and mom had already cooked up some beans inside the house; she passed them out to us in a paper bowl with a spoon. It was loads of fun for us kids eating that way by the fire. And for dessert we had toasted marshmallows. After all the stories were told (Dad was a great storyteller) and songs were sung, Mom would ask that question we all waited to hear: “What do you want to be for Halloween?” Now you have to understand something. Mom asked that question because she had to get the costumes together!
I don’t mean that she had to go shopping. She didn’t do that. She had to get the old trunks out: there were two. There were so many old clothes and shoes and hats and scarves and everything! Oh, there were even a few canes in there the boys had won at the carnival during the summer.
Back in those days we had two nights to get our loot! So, Chuck and Larry, the two oldest boys were to go along with us little ones to keep us safe. I overheard Mom telling the boys absolutely NOT to trick-or-treat now because they were too old for that. And besides they had a party to attend that the little ones
couldn’t go to. So we started out. It was a long way to the first house, and all the way I could hear Larry whispering to Chuck then both of them laughing! I knew that they were both up to no good! So we walked to faraway places and worked our way back home trick-or-treating as we went. It took forever that one night, but back in those days we had two nights to get our loot! The night before Halloween was called “Beggars Night.” They didn’t care, most of them dressed up like beggars: old baggy suits, ugly dirty tie and an old torn hat with a broken feather. With an old pillowcase to put the candy in everyone looked the part! Sometimes we even used an old eyeliner my older sister didn’t want anymore (at least after we finished with it) and put a bunch of dots around our face to appear as if we hadn’t shaved in a while. I soon found out what my
brothers were laughing about: when we came to the first house and everyone had gotten candy, my brother Larry held out his pillowcase and with sadness said to the lady at the door, “I’m trick-ortreating for my little brother who is sick tonight.” It never failed, all the women would respond, “Well aren’t you so nice to do that for him. Here’s extra for you too!”
Computer dating is great if you’re a computer.
DILLIGS !? Tips on Sharks & Saints
By Mary Tompsett
What a bummer. The fallout from last month’s advice column DILLIGS fell way short of the chaos I’d hoped to see. Did my Midwest accent throw y’all off your feed? Think Fargo, oh you betcha. So we’ll just take this here column out for another spin to spread the love. My inner well continues to yield gallons of insight. (My brother insists a better metaphor would be that my septic tank of wisdom has been leaking big yukky. Thank you, Mr. Smartypants.) Do you need mentoring with a hug? The acronym DILLIGS sums up my mission to help others: “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!” Hold on to your hairnets, kids, here we go!
QUESTION: I’m taking a cruise next week. What if I fall off the ship? DILLIGS: In the news recently, a woman fell overboard and survived 10 hours in the ocean before rescue. Luck? Skill? Well, when the Coast Guard showed up, she had the presence of mind to—are you ready?—shout and wave. Atta girl!! But while bobbing in the sea she reportedly sang her heart out. Ten hours and not one nibble from a shark? Obviously, music repels them! This is why we never ever hear of opera singers being attacked while straddling their surfboards. So, to prepare for a water survival, rehearse a few Broadway tunes. Nothing confuses sharks and also increases visibility for rescuers like flailing amidst
a floating island of soggy sheet music. Not a singer? Carry a violin. For maximum protection, I personally wouldn’t stroll on deck without first strapping on a tuba.
For maximum protection, I personally wouldn’t stroll on deck without first strapping on a tuba. QUESTION: We’re looking to sell a house. Will burying a statue of St. Jude in the yard increase our chances? DILLIGS: I’ve heard of folks doing this, but in today’s market Jude is probably up to his holy eyeballs in work. If you want to enlist other help, I would skip the popular saints who typically have a huge backlog of requests. Consider a lesser known person, a religious
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17 version of the lonely Maytag repairman, a saint waiting for a call while moisturizing calluses caused by centuries of kneeling. Among those flying below the radar, you could try St. Gummarus, St. James the Lesser, St. Alphege the Bald, or my all-time personal favorite, St. John the Great Sinner—all of them real saints, bored silly and desperate to get in the game. Of course, statues for these outliers are rare. But I can give you a damn good deal on a life-sized St. Joan of Arc—on horseback! Renting a backhoe ain’t cheap, so instead of burying Joan and her war horse “Muffin,” just put ’em smack dab on the front lawn this month between Casper the Ghost and that huge, ratty spider web you haul out every October. I’ve priced the statue for a quick sale because of a teeny weeny flaw. Joan is, ah... mounted backwards. But hey, you can hardly tell unless you look real close. And she’s yours for just five chickens! Must be free-range and litter box-trained.
Ingredients 2 Granny Smith Apples. • 2 cloves garlic, minced •1 tbs parsley, chopped Cored, cut in wedges • 2 tomatoes, quartered • 1 tbs caraway seeds • 1 onion, thinly sliced • 2 tbs lime juice • 2 tbs Hatch Green Chilies. • 1 tbs veg oil Chopped, remove seeds •
Directions
1. Sauté chilies, onion & garlic in oil until soft 2. Add apples. Sauté until slightly brown 3. Stir in tomatoes 4. Remove & cool 5. Before serving, toss with lime juice 6. Garnish with parsley & caraway seeds
18
Sick Flick Pick:
Halloween warrants a terrific scary movie send-up. Too bad the best we can do is this lame backstory on the reality-based gross-out movie…
E X C LINGUMESDICAILVMIESHAPS
“The AMAZING TRANSPLANTED MAN”
CR -S ON E OD PL EX S RE TU EN DV SA MI L CA DI ME DO NO R' S
MADDEN Inspire MOCK S H O C K D O C
INCREDIBLE ! BUT TRUE
Story and Photos by Jonathan K. Larsen and Dana B. Larrabee ‘Toons and Poster by Dana B. Larrabee
Decatheter, Georgia- Ronald Nash’s medical misadventures began in 2006 as the family prepared to relocate to their new home on the Caribbean island of Grenada. Doctors advised Ron and his wife Suzanna that their daughter Aurora Jane required a liver transplant. When their donor quest turned up empty, Ron volunteered and on November 6th, 2008, the right lobe of his liver was removed by Dr. James “Butterfingers” Carver at Georgia’s Flatline Memorial. Complications landed Aurora Jane back in the hospital in 2009, 2013 and again in 2014. But it was Ron’s Post-Op complications that made it into the annals (or anal’s!) of medical history. “In the fall of 2016, my body began behaving like a backed-up sink!” Endoscopic imaging revealed a clog and stones blocked by an acute J-bend in his liver bile duct. “They replaced two stents and added another, using it like a Roto-Rooter to dislodge the stones and push out the clog.”
““No wonder I felt like crap!””
The dream of life on the Spice Island was rapidly ebbing away in a flood tide of bile and gastric juices. While the Nashes awaited Ron’s recovery, they prepared the Decatheter home for sale. By the end of March the doctors said all were well enough to visit Grenada. “We had a wonderful trip. And I was well enough to work on the property. I was losing weight and Dr. James “Butterfingers” Carver getting stronger. All this sent my blood pressure down to 85/47. I would get dizzy and had to quit my morning walks. The local doctor said to stop taking one of my BP meds. In a couple days I felt good again. “Then, Aurora Jane landed back in the hospital with a softball-sized clot pressing against her small intestine. We got friends to watch the house and left for the States. It was mid-June before she could come home to Decatheter. “On the 27th of June, back I went to the hospital for a balloon angioplasty to straighten out that damn kink and flush out all the stones. My new doctor said he could install a permanent stent good for at
least ten years. Sounded good to me. “Come August, two doctors dug into my liver and removed all the stones and sludge backed up from the past year. No wonder I felt like crap! They enlarged my tube implant and replaced two metal mesh stents with a larger one to straighten out the troublesome J-bend. Even got a special ID, so if I set off airport metal detectors the TSA people wouldn’t freak out so much.” Hoping to be totally tubeless by the month’s end, Ron submitted to another Interventional Radiology procedure. “‘Ooops,’ the IR guys apologized. ‘Didn’t get all the stones.’ Had to wait another six weeks and wear their damn drainage tube ‘til the end of November!
“I should change my name to Ronald ‘FRANKENSTEIN’ Nash...”
“Then while taking out the stent, the bile duct tore, and they had to clamp it shut. When they were finally able to remove it, they nicked a blood vessel and had to patch that up. The anesthesiologist was sweating my being put under so much. And when they did the final procedure without anesthesia, it sure felt weird with their tools crawling around inside.” A report on “Nash Syndrome” was published in several U.S. medical journals and Ron’s bile-emma story appeared in the Decatheter Dispatch. “I’ve been cut up and stitched together so damn much,” he said, “I should c h a n g e m y n a m e t o Ronald ‘Frankenstein’ Nash.”
“BLOODY GOOD SHOW!”
An INANE-LEE-ERSATZ-FAUX Release
of AN EXCRUCIATINGLY PUTRID PRODUCTION A VAL LEWD’UN Film
SHOC
DARRYL. F. FASTBUCK, Executive Producer
EE N !
KING!
DARING SURGERY THAT S A V E S D A U G H T E R ’ S L I F E IS DAD’S POST-OP NIGHTMARE IN
“ The
-London Daily Snail-Mail
AMAZING
“A tasteless Post-Op Mock Doc that will have you in STITCHES!”
MAN
-Richard Cordless
in a See a DARING LIVER TRANSPLANT MAD LABORATORY that makes DR. FRANKENSTEIN’S look like KID STUFF! See MOUNTAINS of LIVERBILE and STONES! See GLOBS of SLUDGE See the that will TURN YOUR STOMACH! before J-BEND BILE DUCT RE-PLUMBED OLOR! your eyes in GORE-IOUS TECHNIC SO WHAT AM I--
CHOPPED LIVER???
AN EXCRUCIATINGLY PUTRID PRODUCTION
STARRING:
AMAZING TRANSPLANTED MAN” “The
Produced by DARRYL. F. FASTBUCK
Screenplay by GEORGE WORTHLESS YATES GORE VITAL and DANA B. LARRABEE
With
”
“TAKE it in with TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING...”
-Dr. Sawz
NASH SYNDROME: Surgery’s BACKFLOW nearly TEARS LOVING FAMILY APART!
RON “FRANKENSTEIN” NASH AURORA JANE NASH SUZANNA NASH “THE DONOR”
“THE RECIPIENT” “THE CARING WIFE”
BRAD De PITTS BEN AFFLICT TINA FRAID DUSTBIN HOFFMAN GWYNETH PALTRY ELIZABETH HEARTWORM Directed by VAL LEWD’UN Music by MARK SNOWJOB Special Effects by JOHN P. FULLOVIT “A cut and a half above the rest... De-livers a one-two punch with enough blood, sweat and tears to make you hurl!” -Judith Gristford De Mille
That’s when an enterprising film maker approached Ron, salivating for the movie rights. “He saw it as an edgy and very dark mock doc. Even made up a poster which Flatline’s IR department head loved, and said he would gladly be in it for a share of the profits. “Well, you know how that goes. Despite astronomical box office returns, movies
(on paper at least) seldom earn back their cost-- so studio execs can thumb their noses at the IRS and laugh all the way to the bank. If I ever collect on the screen rights-- now, that would be amazing!”
19 Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone. Q. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A. Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A. Knock on the door.
Q. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month? A. The instructions stated, “good for up to 20 pounds.”
Q. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A. She missed.
Q. What stops then goes then stops then goes? A. A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond’s ear? A. Data transfer.
Q. What’s five miles long and has an IQ of 40? A. A blonde parade.
Q. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A. From crawling across the street when the sign said “don’t walk.”
Q. What is the blonde’s highest ambition in life? A. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q. How did the blonde die drinking milk? A. The cow fell on her.
Q. What are the six worst years in a blonde’s life. A Third grade.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose? A. Bobbing for french fries.
Q. What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? A. You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A. I’ll tell you tomorrow. Q. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A. The noise gave her a headache. Q. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A. Perri-air.
Q. Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool? A. No smoking. Q. What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside? A. She grabs a bowl. Q. How do you drown a blond? A. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Q. Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A. The vegetable garden. Q. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs? A. Because they can spell it.
Q. What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water? A. A blonde trying to put it out. Q. Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A. To get chocolate milk. Q. What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A. A dumb terminal. Q. How did the blonde burn her ear? A. The phone rang while she was ironing. Q. There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in? A. The sign said “must be 18 to enter.” Q. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A. Her IQ goes up! Q. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A. A visitor. Q. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A. An interpreter. Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head? A. A Space Invader. Q. Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes? A. It has “open other end” printed on the bottom.
20
By Daria James
If You Lose, Boo-hoo! In lieu or recent events, I felt it is my duty to chime in with the haven’t you people ever heard of letting people take responsibility for their own actions?! No? Well, it is much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. And yes, I totally used I write sins not tragedies by P!ATD. I am hip, I know what is cool. Recently a well-known celebrity overdosed and passed away. Other celebrities and fans came out to social media to express their sadness. Most of them stated he was a great person, a talented guy. They said he was not over a recent break up. Only a few acknowledged his substance abuse, which by the way was one of the reasons his former girlfriend broke up with
him. Where were all these “friends” before he overdosed? Why are addicts always great people after they pass away? I know a few addicts, some halfheartedly raised me (and they have the nerve to be surprised when I do not want to talk to them), and some are still in my family. After multiple family members tried to get them help to help themselves, they chose their addiction. Not their loved ones, not those who are hurting to see them waste away, not those who invested themselves emotionally and their monetary resources to try to save them from themselves. The addicts I know are reckless and selfish, they are not famous, and they are not wealthy. They are ordinary folks like some other people you might know. The best thing I could do when
Fun Fall Facts Answers on pg 24
Harvest Moon Autumn Equinox Earth Tilt Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Ginger Nutmeg Allspice Cloves Chlorophyl Celtic Ghosts Disguise Migration Change Leaves
I became knowledgeable and affected by their issues was to emotionally detach myself from their life. Oh, it is not easy I tell you, especially because they will try to suck you back in. They are uncaring and will say the loveliest things to give you a mince of hope, and after you do not fall for their hoax, they will say the unkindest words to emotionally blackmail you. Nonetheless, it is not impossible to free yourself. If you love yourself, let them go. To this day, I have some family members saying I am a terrible person for “abandoning them when they were in need.” Truth is, my conscious is clean. I went above and beyond and did not make a dent in their rehabilitation. One of those you can lead the horse to the water in rehab. But they said neigh, neigh, neigh.
I leave important thinking and decision making to my brain… and coins. Or Rock-paper-scissors. Addiction does not care about socioeconomic statuses; ignorance has many speaking out against celebrities and their drug problems. I am not defending them. I am merely stating I do not judge those who took drastic measures to avoid their pain. I have a heart that beats just fine. However, it does not make decisions for me. I leave important thinking and decision making to my brain… and coins. Or Rockpaper-scissors. I know I am not perfect, but
as long as I do not give up, I can manage to be just fine. If someone you care for is struggling with addiction, please get some help for yourself. Family members of addicts need help to learn how to cope with their loved one bad decisions. I am not holier than thou. I too have flaws. The difference between you and me is how we deal with our stressors. How do you think I got this dark sense of humor? I was born in it. Molded it by it. Babies are not born sarcastic and cynical. We are shaped by our environment from an early age, and if you are lucky, you also get bullied by those special classmates in school. Because therapy costs money, we find other ways to externalize our darkness. Just don’t be a prickly d-bag. Personally, I decided to thrive in spite of challenges and hardship. Somedays it felt like I could not catch a break. Success is the best revenge. Furthermore, I am also the bigger person and do not rub it in their face. That is the civilized thing to do. Raise your glass and celebrate your life… but not excessively.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
By Ted Gargiulo
SENIOR RAPIDS
Hey, Sport! A pox on me for a clumsy lout! I never wrote to thank you and Meg for sending us those chocolates last Christmas. All these months, I assumed Jann had written you. However, Jann informs me that she DIDN’T. Why? Because (she says) I told her I was going to write. I did??? I don’t recall making any such promise. Jann swears I did. Not that I don’t believe her. I suspect I suffer from periodic knucklehead attacks, wherein I simply don’t remember things clearly. Leastways, not the way Jann remembers them. She claims we discussed this matter several times already, and I’m always as amazed as I was the very first time. (“I really said that?”) Somehow, the light never fully penetrated the thick, protective shell surrounding my brain. It’s like having a demented saboteur running loose inside that shell, pulling strings and forcing me to believe things that aren’t so. What I do remember is the chocolates arriving. I recall the animal grunts of pleasure I emitted when I bit into one, which is how I normally respond whenever a sweet treat caresses my pleasure spot. And I remember thinking, “Wow, that’s delicious! We must thank these friends of ours!” After that, all is darkness. And I’m not
referring to the chocolate. Now Jann’s kicking herself because she’s afraid you’ll think she’s rude and ungrateful for not writing to express our mutual gratitude. “Nonsense!” I told her. “Don would never think badly of you! Anyone who knows you, knows how gracious you are. You think Don’s gonna call the Internet Police and have you booted off Facebook Messenger because you didn’t respond within a prescribed time limit? Besides, I’m the one who botched things up. How do you know he doesn’t blame ME for not writing?”
I suspect I suffer from periodic knucklehead attacks, wherein I simply don’t remember things clearly. To which she replied, “Because he already knows you’re a forgetful doo-doo head,” or something to that effect. “But he expects better things of ME, and now I look bad!” “No you don’t,” I said. “I’m the one who looks bad.” “No you’re not! I look bad!” “No, I look bad!” Then I said…I mean, SHE said… Damn, I can’t even remember who’s talking anymore.
I understand that this sort of crazy thing happens when folks get older. I just didn’t think it would happen to me quite so soon. Apparently, the fact that I’m pushing 70 hasn’t quite sunk in either. Jann, though only six months my junior, is generally sharper and more connected than I am, especially when it comes to matters of social etiquette. She only ACTS loopy at times to keep me from feeling bad. Then again, the pendulum does swing both ways. Maybe I’m making these self-deprecating remarks to protect JANN’S feelings(?) It’s still a few years before you and Meg start cruising down Senior Rapids. Trust me, it’s one helluva trip! Enjoy it! Don’t forget your high boots…and your paddle! Anyway, I had a brief moment of
21 clarity today and figured I’d better get on Messenger, while the sun was still shining in the proverbial belfry, and tell you guys how much we appreciated the wonderful chocolates you sent. Thank you most kindly. There, I finally said it! Now everybody’s happy! So whatever you do, please don’t write back and say, “WHAT CHOCOLATES?”
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Two guys met at the Crown & Anchor during Car Week and real hit it off. They promised to meet there at the same time a year later. One of the guys returned at the exact moment and found the other guy sitting at the bar waiting for him. “When did you get here?” the man asked The other said, “Who left?” Tony and Sara are the owners and your hosts at The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
22
DOG FRIENDLY
By Robyn Justo
Q: How do crows stick together in a flock? A: Velcrow. Q: What do you call a crate of ducks? A: A box of quackers. Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub? A: A robber ducky. Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens? A: Because they kept saying “bach bach!” Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon Q: What do you call a sad bird? A: A bluebird! Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher? A: So he could grade his eggs. Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? A: Owlgebra Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg? A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one. Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they don’t know the words. Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? A: He got caught peeping on a test.
Two otherworldly luminous beings were sitting together looking down on the Earth. “What keeps them down there?” One asked the Other. “Something called gravity, a cosmic Velcro of sorts,” was the response. “Many would leave if their little feet weren’t stuck to the ground.” “What is that covering on them?” asked the One. “It’s called skin. Keeps their insides from falling out. Funny, they think it keeps their thoughts in too. And their souls. Can you believe that?” “They all look different. Why is that?” “Oh, they work very hard at that. Not only do they have skin but they cover it with all sorts of things to make them look…well, special,” explained the Other. “That doesn’t make any sense,” said the One. “They are the same.” “I know. Not much makes sense down there. They don’t realize that they are fractals,” mused the Other. “How could they miss that? I mean all they have to do is look at the two who came before them and the two who came before each of those and so on. It’s not rocket science,” said the One. The Other giggled. “No, it’s not. At least not to us. We have a great view from here. We can
see everything. They can only see what’s in front of them. Most of them don’t look up, down, left, right, above, below, you know. They suffer needlessly from MYopia.” “Can we help them?” the One asked.
We whisper, we tap gently, and sometimes we whack them. “Some of us have been trying for eons,” the Other said. “We whisper, we tap gently, and sometimes we whack them.” “And still they don’t get it?” asked the One. “Nope. They can be cruel to one another because they believe that they are separate and they don’t realize that everything they are concerned with won’t be there for long, including themselves. They will be recycled in due time to become a new fractal with a new pattern,” explained the Other. “Maybe we should just peel them now. No skin, no separation, no boundaries,” said the One, “and take away their gravity.” “Oh, that happens on its own,” said the Other. “But they choose to forget that while they are stuck to the ground in a skin suit.” “And what are those things that
move them around?” asked the One. “Planes, trains, and automobiles. They really value the automobiles and almost all of them have one. All made from metals but they name them and some are more valuable than others to them,” said the Other. “But they are the same,” mused the One. “I know. Silly isn’t it? Actually it’s ridiculous when all of the material things down there come from the elements, the same elements,” said the Other. “What are those furry things?” asked the One. “Those are called dogs, one of the species that were put on Earth to help humans remember love. They are finally being accepted in restaurants and other public places,” explained the Other. “The fur helps the humans to love?” asked the One. “Yes, most of the time,” the Other responded. “Maybe we should glue some fur to their skin?” said the One. The Other giggled and then said as he pointed down, “Look there, do you see? A sign that says Dog Friendly.” “Hmmm. Yes,” said the One, shaking his head. “Dog friendly, human…not so much.”
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A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, “I’m too young to die!” Then she yelled, “If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with grey hair and blue eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... “Iron this—and then get me a beer.” A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho.” Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d
give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One.” The boss says, “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.” The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his boss and
CHUCK NORRIS
...Makes onions cry. ...Is the reason Waldo is hiding. ...Can kill two stones with one bird. ...Can do a wheelie on a unicycle. ...Can build a snowman out of rain. .....Once had a heart attack. His heart lost. ...The last person who made eye contact with Chuck Norris was Stevie Wonder.
Money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
says, “$101,237.65.” The boss, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing!”
Two senior widows are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, but I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He showed up at my house punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then he took me downstairs and what’s there, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert and afterdinner drinks. Then we saw a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we were coming back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times! Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So are telling me I shouldn’t go?” Edna: “No, no, no, I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
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Foolish Sudoku
Foolish Search
from page 10
from page 20
Answers
Answers
A young man professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Dog NEEDS a Job By Stefan Chapman The name is Phil. Born a schnauzer, but always identified as a Great Dane. I have lived in Monterey my whole life, so that’s about 32 years of Monterey. My roommates say four years, but I feel 32. My roommates say I am always hungry, but I only eat because I am not sure what else to do with my time in Monterey. I work a standard dog collar job. I take care of the roommates when they are home, like 99 percent of the dogs in this town. On my days off, the roommates and I go hiking. We will go out for a beer and a snack at a beer place. They still haven’t made a beer catered toward a dog yet, so we are still thirsty (seriously, us dogs talk). All this negative dog energy I have been putting out lately is
because I want to be more involved in my community. I have submitted a bunch of resumes, but I think I might be too cute to be taken seriously. Not one call back. So I am writing here in the hopes that a screwed pooch can end these dog days with a happy smile on his face. The top job for me is to work at the aquarium. I am so good at handing out pamphlets and I barely drool on any of them. I have this special method I use where I don’t bite too hard, but hard enough that even a little human can pull out a single pamphlet. I love the otters there, mainly because we just click conversation-wise. Seriously! Ask them what to do with wet fur. Their answers will astound you. The other job which is tied with the Aquarium is working at
25 Alvarado. I am a brewer dog, but don’t get me confused with Hank in Milwaukee. I am all brew and all bite. Dogs in Monterey get this rep of being all about sitting with their owners, but I am that dog who brings the good brews. Alvarado is all about those citrus beers, but have they done anything with my bud; a local dog named Thomas! He brews a Beernease Mountain Smog and it’s the best snout I have ever had. I helped with fermentation process. We call it beergle fermentation, if you know what I mean.
He brews a Beernease Mountain Smog and it’s the best snout I have ever had. The next one is kind of just a bark for help. I need someone to fund my farmers market stand. I have been wanting to have my own stand at the farmers market since someone dropped their Chicago
dog on Alvarado Street and I got a bite. After that, I’ve just wanted more. I have always been interested in paw readings between dogs and their roommates, so I thought it might be nice for the humans and pups to see what pawtential they have together and help them pursue goals they might not have ever thought to pursue. I did a paw reading for my pal Hannah Dogtana years ago and now he’s a seeing eye dog in Carmel Valley. You know how much respect those guys get. But I dog-gress. I want to see more dogs involved in this community. The humans out here need to throw us a bone. We have been supporting you when you go out to drink and go out to eat, and it’s honestly time to see more dogs in occupational aspects of this community. My name is Phil and I speak on behalf of many dogs in this community. Our dogs’ arms are outstretched, and we just want the love you’ve got to offer.
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October 1-14
Tom Jones
Forest Theater hosts this bawdy and rollicking comedy that will have you in stitches. A story of young love and a parent trying to prevent it. pacrep.org
October 4-14
October 10
Bring your Teddy Bear to Work Day
Spend the day with your cuddly friend and show him where you work. A great day to give to TBWH. Pajamas optional, check with your boss. tbwh.org
The Desperate Hours
War-of-wills tension between a ruthless killer and a terrorized family held captive. Escaped convicts hide out in a suburban home resulting in a confrontation that becomes an engrossing catand-mouse game. mpctheatreco.com
October 5
First Friday Artwalk
Oldtown Salinas changed their name to City Center a few years ago. Everything else stayed the same including this ongoing tribute to the arts. 1st fridays.org
October 13-14
Monterey Historyfest
Experience our unique cultural heritage and historical resources. Bringing the past to life. historicmonterey.org
Looking good at 173 years old! Music, cake, tours, cooking demos, and a holiday atmosphere. Happy Birthday to the wharf. montereywharf.com
Dance your brains out on lower Broadway in Seaside. Live entertainment, music and fun. Dress to impress your zombie friends. ci.seaside.ca
October 26-28
Pirelli World Challenge
Last event of the year features the California 8 Hours. The longest endurance event ever held at Laguna Seca. weathertechraceway
October 27
Zombie Run
Dress like a zombie and crawl or stroll thought Pebble Beach Emergency Preparedness Fair at the end of the run.
October 19
Comedian, actor, writer, and Oscar-winning film producer. Known for his lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone. goldenstatetheatre.com
Wharf Birthday
Enjoy a day celebrating safe streets for bikes, skating and pedestrians. cicloviasalinas.org
No Beards Day
The average man will shave about 20,000 times between the ages of 15 and 75, which equates to five months. Today the average man shaves much less.
Steven Wright
October 14
Ciclovia
October 18
ROTA Psychic Fair
Psychics, lectures, product vendors and Healing Art Expo. A great day to recharge your chakras. rotapsychicfair.com
Worm Squirm
October 7
Zombie Prom
October 13-14
October 6
Dig in to a fantastic recycling program. Learn about composting with a fun, interactive live worm display. shop-northridge-mall.com
October 26
October 20
October 27-Nov 11
Legacy of Light
The Studio Theater presents a delightful contemporary comedy about two women scientists, living hundreds of years apart, exploring the meaning of love, motherhood, family, art and science. westernstage.com
Quail in Pink Drive
115 mile drive from Quail Lodge to The Pinnacles for lunch and back for Horsepower Happy Hour. Fund raiser for Breast Cancer Awareness Group. quaillodge.com
October 21
Pumpkin Plunge
Pumpkin splashing fun and games at Pattullo Swim Center Hunt for your perfect pumpkin in the pool. ci.seaside.ca
October 31
Halloween
All Hallows Eve is a day for costumes, candy and carving pumpkins. Celebrate responsibly.
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To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
The Best in
,C sed ons ign o p R ep ur m en
intage & t s, V Th rift !
Featured Shop: PacRep’s Neverland Benefit Shop specializes in fine furnishings, antiques, artwork, designer-wear, household items and collectibles. Donations and volunteers welcome. Proceeds benefit non-profit PacRep Theatre.
CONSIGNMENT buy
SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org
sell
PacRep’s Neverland Benefit Shop 1219 D Forest, Ave Pacific Grove 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org
Resale Here
Downtown Books & Sound 222 Main St. Oldtown Salinas 831.435.4636 downtownbooksandsound.com
Second Chance 105 Central Ave, Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 secondchancepg.org
Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org