Foolish Times November 2017

November 2017

Thankful for my job...

Just wish I didn’t have to show up

Event Calendar » Pg. 26

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November 2017

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Grab & Go (Cold) Sliced turkey • Stuffing • Mashed Potatoes Scalloped Potatoes • Cranberry Sause • Gravy

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November 2017

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.................................Hutch

Brian Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks For years I’ve had a long distance relationship with a gal who travels between Anaheim and Orlando.

From the first time we met, I knew we should be together. She is intelligent and sophisticated, good natured and filled to the brim with love and affection.

Her work schedule is unique and demanding. The distance and time we are apart has plagued me all these years.

She has said of her ultimate dream man, “He’ll stride in to the room; the light will glow from him.

I’ll hear music, he’ll bring me flowers. He’ll swing me off my feet! And I’ll know he’s the one when he makes me laugh.” That’s me! The glow would be from my shaved head, I worked in the flower industry, I dance like a one legged pirate and making people laugh is a no brainer!

There is one issue about moving forward. She has a long time boyfriend. Some say they are married, I dispute this claim. On their first date, he invited her to take to the skies in his plane. Mid-flight, he leaned

over to kiss her and she parachuted out. Why are they still together? Do they both have commitment issues? I think she is just waiting for me to get my act together.

I’m off to Orlando to claim my queen. I can see her standing there. Always smiling, well dressed with a big bow in her hair and very approachable, hugs for everyone. I’ll be overcome with joy when she sees me and extends her hand to welcome me back in her life.

This is going to be my last pitch for Minnie to dump Mickey. It’s all or nothing and I’m ready to commit. I also need to be realistic that she may continue to keep me at arms distance. If that happens, I’ll have to walk away and finally get over her. Wish me luck!

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

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November 2017

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

“Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Joseph responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you

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loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness—and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

Julia tells her husband, “James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” James says, “why I hardly know the girl.”

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…she is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, “I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were

speeding and one because you didn’t have your seat belt fastened.”

The man said, “I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.”

The Patrol Man said to the man’s wife, “I know he didn’t have his seatbelt fastened. Isn’t that right, lady?”

She replied, “Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he’s drunk.”

I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.

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SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

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MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

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WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

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THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

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INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes.

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SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

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Full menu/ bar available.

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November 2017

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HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Stacy talks to comics Meet Sissy Pi

By Stacy Lininger

•Buy a fresh turkey •Have a glass of wine •Stuff the turkey •Have a glass of wine •Put turkey in oven •Have a glass of wine •Turk the baster

•Wine of glass another get •Bake the wine for 4 hours •Glass yourself another pour of wine •Take the oven out of the turkey •Tet the sable •Have another wottle of bine •Turk the carvey

Stacy: Why are cats better than dogs?

Sissy: They know how to disobey.

Stacy: Who was your major influence?

Sissy: Tomasina and Lassie.

Stacy: Do cats judge?

Sissy: No, we just decide.

Stacy: How do you feel about the current political climate?

Sissy: I am thinking of moving to Russia.

14th Annual

Dec. 2nd Dec. 3rd

Stacy: Would you learn the language first?

Sissy: Absolutely, wait they don’t know English?

Stacy: Putin is running around with his shirt off, when has he had time?

Sissy: How is the economy?

Stacy: We don’t know and we don’t want to.

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November 2017

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram A bindle stiff with the Blues can make for a long and poignant hour at the pew; remember your accomplishments reside within you.You want more than a bowl of Campbell’s and a half-eaten turkey leg. What does your gut tell you? There is room to take one more step...and a view.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab “Pass the Lemon Meringue pie... or why...bother living!” You are an ardent consumer of enticing goods. You attract wealth as easily as licking your lips. As Chief Cornplanter once said: “To know your Internal Kernel, is the biggest hurdle, to adopting a roomy girdle.”

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales While autumn leaves twirl down into filigree and the Scarecrow jerks his knee, you are artist, fancy-free, and yet your quintessence remains dilettanteee. You enjoy the reward but avoid the effort needed to attain it.

Initiate but don’t forget to brine, baste (not boast) and then bake!

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You wrathful rascal! Your core temperature is rising and putting a damper on things.

You may end up in a hamper and no one will find you for days. Schedule a turkey rub so you can try to channel “Sitting Bull.”Askifhewillbeyourtourguide along on your pampering travels.

Throw yourself a mineral salt lick, you may find that nurturing starts with how not to be a dick.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Everything on Earth is the manifestation of the sun. Your sunny disposition is hard to resist, hard to assist, and can’t be missed! Especially when you can triple the drippings in one foul swoop. The proof is indeed in the pudding!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You autumn do the dance!

Reluctant to trust your heart to anyone? Oh please! What a shame to blame it on the leftovers. The past can be a draft and interrupt the aft on a new ship to worship!

Shut the icebox behind you because the meat of the story is you, now, eat!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins It is a Turkey shoot for you and yet you dread the Monotony. You would rather hang from a thread while baking pumpkin bread!

Your head now is like “Chief Touch the Clouds.” Float back down and center yourself! Or you may end up being the stuffing and not the main course.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin “Thanks, Thanks, Thanks all for coming to my Hypochondriac party!” Do you hear yourself?

Is this something to celebrate?

Did you burn your humble pie?

Insist on popping that cyst with a musket so you can see the gist of this gobbling display of neediness.

Your guests are genuinely concerned and now they all look like a misty watered colored memory.

Q: What do turkeys like to do on sunny days?

A: Have peck-nics!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Whoa Horsey! You promise the moon and don’t deliver. Thank yourself for being consistent.

Consistency is a rare disease these days. Feast upon your blessing of possessing an insouciant elegance.

Eat and be merry on the go-round of life...such decadence.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat It is a cornucopia of interior walls for you: a brick wall, a redwood wall, a fierce wall, a wall-pie-wall, a wayward wall, drywall, all together still WALLS of RESERVE! What could vilify such structures... the will of Chief Pontiac? Seek and you shall find the marrow in your narrow ways.

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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Best Kept Secret is how shy and insecure you are! This sums up why your aloofness acts as a shield for preserving your space bubble as wide as the great divide.

Nevertheless, you are the gravy of the Navy. You are a trooper who wants ALL the beauty that life has to offer! Pass the yams you clam and we can discuss all the muss.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes “Fishhook” the star of the universal subconscious, you are... charged with the celestial essence that surrounds you and are much tougher and keener than any amateur would know.

Do not allow debris to creep into your mind. Begin this new riskyventure by whaling Geronimo!

You are everyone’s wishbone and already split in two.

Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?

A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.

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November 2017

on the

FOOL

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CURB

January 2014

1) Where is the best place to put the thermometer in a turkey?

2) How fast can a turkey run?

3) What is a baby turkey called?

4) Are Santa and Thanksgiving Turkey friends?

JOKES Bob1 1) I think you stick it up his butt.

2) Can turkeys run? I never saw one what wasn’t in a grocery store.

3) Whatever their Mom names them.

4) I think Turkeys are jealous of Santa.

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

A man walks into a Doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks.

“You’re not eating properly,” replies the Doctor.

Robert 1) Don’t you just wait for the little red thing to pop up?

2) They don’t run fast enough. We eat them because we can catch them.

3) Baby turkeys are called baby turkeys.

4) Turkeys wish they had a friend.

Roberta 1) O my, I never used one. Maybe that’s why my turkeys are always over-cooked.

2) They run fast but don’t know where they are going.

3) Maybe chicks. Chicks are so cute.

4) Santa is friends with everyone and everything.

Bob2 1) Under their tongue, just like when I get sick 2) They run in circles and can’t go fast because they get dizzy.

3) Late for dinner.

4) Santa is being seen too early. Turkey shouldn’t even know who Santa is.

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November 2017

Monterey has a bunch of streets named after famous people Match the name to reason they are famous A) First Public Library B) Buried in Nashville C) On the Six Cent Stamp D) Father of the Constitution E) Liberian City Named for Him F) CA Constitution Signer G) Founded Univ. of Virginia Key 1(D 2)G 3)F 4)C 5)A 6)B 7)E

1) Madison 2) Jefferson 3) Larkin 4) Webster 5) Franklin 6) Polk 7) Monroe

Origin of “On the Wagon” and “One for the Road” During the times of public hangings in England, the condemned were taken through town on a wagon. Some say the man was allowed to have a drink at every tavern they passed so he would be drunk by the time he reached the gallows. At the last pub, it was “one for the road” before being put “on the wagon” never to drink again.

This explanation makes me want to avoid any invitation to a pub crawl to guarantee I don’t wake up with a rope around my neck!

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November 2017

By Ted Gargiulo

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Dream Girl

The girl in my dream was strangely reminiscent of someone, or something, I’d seen before.

Indeed, she first appeared as an illustration in my fourth grade arithmetic book. What this comely lass was doing in the introduction to Subtraction was a mystery this lovesick lad delighted in pondering. Maybe the insertion of such colorful images throughout an otherwise drab textbook was the publisher’s way of capturing students’ attention.

Well, this girl definitely captured mine. She was, in a word, lovely.

Her eyes, the sweet expression on her face, had so smitten me, I found myself turning to that page again and again, long after my class had finished Subtraction and moved on to Long Division.

There was something else about this girl I couldn’t define—a quality I found particularly endearing. And I think I know what that elusive “something” was. She reminded me of Doreen on The Mickey Mouse Club.

How many Boomers out there remember Doreen? Now there

was a puppy lover’s heartthrob if there ever was one! Hardly surprising that this charming little lady, though somewhat older than myself, would have nestled inside my subconscious and made herself at home there.

There was no plot or dialogue in my dream. The girl was simply THERE whenever I turned her corner. Like the illustration in

How many Boomers out there remember Doreen? Now there was a puppy lover’s heartthrob if there ever was one!

Theater,” a popular afternoon program on Channel 5 at the time.) In the dream, I’d turn a familiar corner and find her, the way I found her by turning that page in my book. Same girl, same smile, same music, same rush of pleasure whenever she appeared.

Then one time I turned the corner, and she was…GONE. The rest of the scene remained the same, including the musical accompaniment. But there was no girl. This was the first time in my brief life that I experienced honest-to-gosh LOSS. Truly, a lesson in Subtraction this kid would never forget.

Some of you may recall a painting by Belgian surrealist

my book, she didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t acknowledge me, merely stared past my head, eyes twinkling, as if posing for a portrait. But I didn’t mind. Just being in her presence made me happy. To make the tableau even more enchanting, my creative mind conjured up a Winter scene, with snow gently falling to the strains of “When You Wish Upon a Star.” (Or it might have been the theme to “Tune In Anytime

René Magritte, consisting of four panels. The first three are identical, depicting a man sitting at a table by a window, reading a newspaper. In the fourth, every detail is intact…but the man is conspicuously absent. The effect that Magritte created is not unlike the effect my dream had upon me.

Except that the girl in my dream, unlike the man in the painting, or the illustration in my textbook, was intensely real to me. So was the emptiness I felt when she suddenly vanished…and the sense of betrayal that ended my fantasy.

Once gone, she never reappeared.

What stands out in my mind as I think back on that dream some 60 years later—the one impression that continues to haunt me, more than the girl herself—is her inexplicable, forever absence.

That, and the sad face I drew in the fallen snow before I turned to leave.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Asked to write an essay entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” Little Johnny wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Answers on page 24

November 2017

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Plato’s Closet

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November 2017

www.foolishtimes.net Hero, saying he didn’t know the car was nearby when he turned on his manure spreader.

Picky, Picky

By the Editors at Andrews McMeel Syndication

Eclipsing Weird • A California man with European heritage “strong and pure” placed an ad on Craigslist in advance of the solar eclipse on Aug. 21, seeking a “worthy female” to have sex with him in Oregon and “conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.”

“Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets,” the ad posited.

He had only one specific caveat: “You must like cats.” The ad has since been deleted.

Rise of the Machines • When Louise Kennedy, an equine veterinarian from Ireland who has worked in Australia for the past two years on a skilled worker visa, decided to stay in the country, she had to take the Pearson Test of English as part of her requirements for permanent residency. Imagine her surprise when, as a native English speaker with two university degrees, she flunked the oral component of the computer-based test. “There’s obviously a flaw in their computer software when a person with perfect oral fluency cannot get enough points,” Kennedy said.

For its part, Pearson has denied that there is any problem with its test or scoring “engine.” Kennedy will pursue a spouse visa so she can remain with her Australian husband.

New World Order • In Saint-Bernard-de-Lacolle, Quebec, near Plattsburgh, New York, the Canadian military is building a refugee camp to house asylum-seekers coming from the United States, where recent migrants fear the current administration’s immigration crackdown. Montreal has already turned its Olympic Stadium into a shelter for refugees. The new camp would house 500 people in heated tents while they wait for refugee applications to be processed. More than 3,300 people crossed into Quebec from the U.S. between January and June 2017.

Bright Idea • United States Border Patrol agent Robert Rocheleau and Alburgh, Vermont, resident Mark Johnson, 53, exchanged tense words on Aug. 3 when Johnson climbed down from his tractor and demanded to know why Rocheleau wasn’t doing more to apprehend illegal immigrants.

Johnson said people working in the U.S. illegally were damaging his livelihood. (Alburgh is just south of the border with Canada.) After the exchange, Johnson got back in his tractor and, as Rocheleau reported, “While passing by my vehicle Mr. Johnson ... engaged the PTO shaft to his trailer and covered my vehicle in cow manure.” Mr. Johnson pleaded not guilty in Vermont Superior Court in North

• The Ford Motor Co. has hired smell-testers for its research labs in China, where consumers don’t like the “new-car” smell that many Americans seek out.

Ford calls the testers its “golden noses,” who sniff materials such as upholstery, steering wheels and carpet. Testers are subjected to a stringent selection process and must not smoke or drink alcohol. “In North America,” said Andy Pan, supervisor for material engineering at a Ford facility in China, “people want a new-car smell and will even buy a ‘newcar’ spray to make older cars feel new and fresh. In China, it’s the opposite.”

Ow! Ow! Ow! • On June 25, Doug Bergeson of Peshtigo, Wisconsin, was framing the fireplace of a home he was building when his nail gun slipped from his grasp and shot a 3 1/2inch nail into his heart. Bergeson said it stung, but when he saw the nail “moving with my heart,” he realized he wasn’t going to get any more work done. So he washed up and drove himself to the hospital 12 miles away, where he alerted a security guard that he had a nail in his heart and said, “It’d be great if you can find somebody to help me out here.” Bergeson underwent surgery to remove the nail, which his doctors said barely missed a main artery in his heart.

Bold Move • Edward Kendrick McCarty, 38, of North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, came away with more than good tips after deejaying a wedding reception.

The morning after the wedding, bride Ashley Karasek of Turkeytown noticed that her box

of wedding cards was mostly empty. McCarty had been in charge of the box during the reception, and Karasek noticed people handing him cards to put in it throughout the evening. But when she and her new husband looked in the box, only 12 cards remained. McCarty confessed to taking the cards “because of financial struggles” and said he got about $600.

Ewwww!

• Swiss grocery chain Coop announced on Aug. 17 that it will start selling burger patties made from mealworms as an alternative to beef. Essento’s Insect Burgers and meatball-like Insect Balls also contain rice, carrots and spices. “Insects are the perfect complement to a modern diet,” said Christian Bartsch, cofounder of Essento. “They have a high culinary potential, their production saves resources and their nutritional profile is highquality.”

Ironies • In Florida, Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority CEO Brad Miller and board chair Darden Rice helped Barbara Rygiel celebrate her 103rd birthday on Aug. 15 by presenting her with a lifetime bus pass. Rygiel rides the bus to church about four times a week and said the pass will help with the costs. “Look at how much I can save,” she said.

• Stephen DeWitt, 57, of Aptos, California, was “quite intoxicated,” according to an arresting officer, on Aug. 16 when he mowed down a Highway 1 road sign reading: “REPORT DRUNK DRIVERS. CALL 911.” His Jeep continued up an embankment and flipped, leaving DeWitt with serious injuries - and a DUI charge.

Copyright 2017 Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut, Kansas City MO 64106; 800-255-6734.

November 2017

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Even a

Doctor Ride ‘em Cowgirl A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when the store manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A’peeling Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to them, “Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!”

The girls stop and look at each other. “Well, I suppose we could always eat the third one!”

Needs a

What A Prize A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.

She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”

The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”

The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”

Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t quit “cold turkey.”

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November 2017

By Rex Keyes

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Bombay, Transcendental Meditation and 50s Humor

We sometimes get writers block so I thought to get inspiration I would sit in the yoga position, legs crossed, thumbs touching fingers, and hum as done in transcendental meditation and occasionally sip on a Frappuccino.

Then what I thought is that to really get into transcendental meditation (TM) is to sip on a Bombay Sapphire martini because that is where TM came from, Bombay, India. It did work and writer’s block ended and an idea came up to see if Foolish Times existed 60 to 70 years ago. So the following is humor that existed at that time, in the 1950s.

As a married couple reminisced, the husband remarked, “By the way, I wonder whatever became of the oldfashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them?” His wife gave him a withering look. “What I’d like to know,” she retorted, “Is what happened to the oldfashioned men who made them faint!”

Secretary: “Your wife wants to kiss you over the telephone.”

Employer: “Take the message and give it to me later.”

A couple of gobs (old slang for U.S. Navy sailors) laying over for a day or two in Sweden decide to go to church. Knowing no Swedish, they figure to play safe by picking out a dignified looking old gentleman sitting in front of them and doing whatever he did.

During the service the pastor made a special announcement of some kind, and the man in front of them started to rise, at which time the two sailors quickly go to their feet, to be met by roars of laughter from the whole

congregation. When the service was over and they were greeted by the pastor at the door, they discovered he spoke English, and naturally asked what the cause of the merriment had been.

“Oh,” said the pastor. “I was announcing a baptism, and asked the father of the child to rise.”

If Foolish Times existed 60 to 70 years ago, here’s some humor that existed at that time, in the 1950s.

A much married man was trying to chisel some free advice from a lawyer friend. “Isn’t there some way a man can avoid paying alimony?” he inquired.

“Yes,” replied the lawyer. “Two, in fact. He can either stay single or stay married.”

“Your age, please?” asked the census taker.

“Well,” said the woman, “let me figure it out. I was 18 when I married and my husband was 30.

He is now 60, or twice as old as he

was then so I am now 36.”

A man who had been married for 10 years consulted a marriage counselor. “When I first married,” he said, “I was very happy. I’d come home from a hard day down at the shop. My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after all these years everything’s changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!”

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” said the marriage counselor. “You’re still getting the same service.”

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November 2017

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• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Nonsense • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

“Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.

• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

• The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

• Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

• The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

• Almonds are a member of the peach family.

• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

• A snail can sleep for three years.

• There are more chickens than people in the world.

• On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

• All of the clocks in the movie

• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

• A dragonfly has a life span of one to six months.

• Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

• No president of the united States was an only child.

• The average chocolate bar has eight insects’ legs in it.

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A: The outside!

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November 2017

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November 2017

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Shopping Season

By Debbie Harris

It’s that time of year again. Time to get your shopping on! Are you ready?

I used to love shopping—the challenge of the chase. Find that bargain! I had lots of reasons for shopping. I had a house to stock/ decorate, a family to clothe and feed, friends and family to buy gifts for. Nearly every weekend I was out at the stores, trolling for deals. Shopping was my Sudoku.

Now when I see that I need something from a store, my shoulders slump and I sigh. That’s when I know why so many people shop online. Still, it’s not the same.

When you shop online, you can be in your pajamas at 2 in the morning eating ice cream with a serving spoon directly from the carton, listening to that new

Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

A: To hatchet.

song that you still haven’t gotten enough of. Shopping at a store requires you to be at least semipresentable for the public. You may have to put on clothes; you probably should consider combing your hair, and (gasp) brushing your teeth. As awkward as it might be, you may have to interact with other humans who don’t click or have a “send” button.

Most stores, particularly clothing stores, don’t want you eating around their merchandise, so even ice cream on a stick might be a no-no. If you’re at Costco, you might be able to piece together a meal from samples.

We all should have the right to make foolish purchasing decisions at any time of the day or night.

Brick and mortar stores play the music they want, which usually consists of instrumental versions of tunes from Disney movies and songs you liked until you heard their instrumental version. These stores also have opening and closing times, meaning that maybe from 9pm to 10am the next day, you won’t be able to shop (the horror). That’s just un-American. We all should have the right to make foolish purchasing decisions at any time of the day or night.

When shopping was only in stores with buildings, we used to have to (cringe) get exercise.

Walking from store to store and up and down isles required legwork. People who used to shop

November 2017 as a hobby strengthened their heart—as long as they stayed away from the food court.

Even shopping at a physical store has changed. Relatively new on the scene are self check-out stations. I try to be open about new technology, so I’ve tried these a few times—much to my frustration. You can’t reason with a machine.

At a grocery store, I started my transaction with placing my cloth bags in the bagging area; they folded themselves closed as they landed. I indicated with a button press on the machine that I’d done that. I scanned my first item and had to lift the bag to put the item in. The machine objected, telling me that I had removed something from the bagging area.

“No,” I wanted to tell the machine, “I just lifted the bag to open it and put the item in. See, I put it back down.” The machine ignored me and the store clerk had to come override the message. Oy! I didn’t have any better luck trying to convince the machine that I did put the greeting card in the bagging area. Another visit from the clerk.

Things went ok for a few more scans until I got to my oranges.

The machine needed to know what type of oranges so it could charge me accordingly. When I selected them, I didn’t pay attention to the breed of the fruit; I just looked at the price and ripeness. “They’re on sale for $1.49 a pound,” I wanted to tell the machine. I scoured the pictures with the options of orange types; could I call for a genome check at the self check-out? Leave in the middle of my transaction and run over to produce? I finally settled on navel oranges, hoping that was the one with the correct price.

Whether you fill a real or a cyber shopping cart, may the shopping angels be with you. And self check-out people, know your fruit! Happy Thanksgiving!

Q: Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

A: Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat!

Q: How did they send the turkey through the mail?

A: Bird class!

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: Who isn’t hungry on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Who was the drummer in the Thanksgiving band?

A: The turkey, because he had the drumsticks!

Q: What type of key is not good for opening doors?

A: A Tur-key!

Q: What kind of car did the Pilgrim drive?

A: A Plymouth Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?

A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

Q: Why do students always do so poorly after Thanksgiving?

A: Because everything gets marked down after the holidays!

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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net

Sweeping Around Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom- broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!”

“Impossible!” said the groom broom. We haven’t even swept together.”

Don’t Be Careful What You Wish For A woman found a bottle on a beach. When she opened the stopper, out flew a genie.

“I am the Genie of Lawyers,” he said. “I will grant you three wishes, but know that lawyers everywhere will have your wish, only doubled.”

“Okay, for my first wish, I want $10 million,” she said.

“Done, and every lawyer just got 20,” said the genie.

“And I’ve always wanted a

home in the south of France,” she said.

“You have one, and they all have two,” said the genie.

“And finally, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”

Train Wreck A case was brought to court by a bus driver who declared his vehicle was struck late at night by a train that failed to give proper warning.

The engineer protested that he was waving his lantern at the bus miles before the impact, and the railroad was exonerated.

The lawyer for the engineer congratulated him on his convincing testimony.

“Thanks, but I sure was worried there for a while,” said the engineer. “I was positive someone was going to ask me if the lantern was lit.”

The Price of Gas Versus Printer Ink Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 - $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 - $9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 - $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 - $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 - $33.60 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 - $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 - $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 - $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 - $84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at (you won’t believe it, but it is true - $5,200 a gallon.

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or heaven forbid, printer ink!

Need For Speed A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say.”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

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A drunken man staggers into San Carlos Cathedral, enters a confessional booth and sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, not saying a word.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

To which the drunk mumbles, “Sorry, can’t help you.

There’s no paper on this side either.”

Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown and Anchor. Come in for a pint to start the Holiday Season and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

November 2017

My Grandma Just asked…

What is the difference between a Facebook and an IPad How to fax a picture to her phone If The Hunger games is about anorexia

If I liked Justin Beaver If IPhones take AA batteries If the internet is working on Thanksgiving

Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009

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November 2017

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Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

Human Beings in a Mob November is here and with it the dreaded holiday season, although, I think that started sometime in October. September if you are Jewish. How are we spelling Hanukkah this year?

Thanksgiving is around the corner and people are running around panicking coming up with excuses to avoid those pesky family members. They have to plan their trips to the Black Friday sales, and purchase Christmas presents. Well, count me out, say I. For I am skipping the holidays.

I am moving on. That is my gift to the world. I am letting go.

This hive mentality needs to stop somewhere; I am hanging my metaphorical robe (that is what

cult people wear in my head) and minding my immediate beeswax.

So what if my phone is two years old? Remember when we used to buy things to last? Now we are all about fads. No one commits anymore. If you really think spending a thousand dollars on a phone makes you better, you are wrong! It actually makes you worse. Especially, if you can barely afford it. No offense to the one percent. They have suffered enough.* Instead of liking me through a phone and its filters, I like me in the flesh (you can take that however you want). I am not arrogant, I have confidence (very healthy) #getsome. It is more expensive not to have it. No

Change of season...

We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road

seriously, think about how much more money some are willing to spend to over compensate. Pero, aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda. That is ancient Mexican philosophy for you can dress the ragdoll in satin, but it shall remain a ragdoll.

Nurturing and enriching your soul will reflect in you, those around you will take notice, no filters necessary.

This hive mentality needs to stop somewhere; I am hanging my metaphorical robe (that is what cult people wear in my head) and minding my immediate beeswax.

With the world going through natural disasters, narcissist leaders, wars and other misfortunes, like, I don’t know, children mining minerals to make the latest cellphones for half a penny and some rocks, I have chosen to not partake in those type of unnecessary businesses.

Ironically, the pompous owners of those environmentally hazardous apparatus travel to third world countries and

take pictures of nature, and poor people, because it is not a douche bag move if you declare it artistic. The company of said fruity cellphone will also display your moving photography in train stations and other public areas.

Baloo said it best: look for the bare necessities, and do not pretend you have never taken advice from a cartoon character.

Seriously, love is not expensive accessories and trendy clothes; love is not date night every night with sushi, roses, wine and romance. We are not living in a Bruno Mars song. Just like flowers romance will fade, companionship shall remain.

Since I started focusing on my inner-self and opening up to a higher-self, my life has been transformed. I live my life like I am in a play. Sometimes I encounter difficulties and I handle said matters as civilized as possible. Sure, there are days when I handle it better than others. Lucky for you that is what I am like. *sarcasm

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

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Q: How are a turkey, a donkey, and a monkey alike?

A: They all have keys.

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November 2017

By Lily Brun We’re in the throes of fall. Leaves are turning and falling to the ground. Even with little water, the drought tolerant shrubs are bushy and overgrown. It’s time to get out the pruning shears; time to crop and lop, snip and shape.

Firmly grasping my pruning shears, I start to contemplate the task at hand but really, all that’s running through my head is that silly song from the Wizard of Oz scene when they’re in the Emerald City getting all spruced up ...

Clip, clip here Clip, clip there We give the roughest claws

That certain air of savoir faire In the merry old land of Oz Ha ha ha Ho ho ho And a couple of tra la las That’s how we laugh the day away In the merry old land of Oz Ha ha ha Ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho That’s how we laugh the day away In the merry old land of Oz Funny thing - or foolish, if you will - about the random associations our brains make and what affects they have on our behavior. I find myself pruning

The Bald Eagle is our National Emblem, but Ben Franklin thought the turkey would be a much more respectable bird!

Answers on pg 24

Turkey Intelligent Sensitive Social Affectionate Vocal Unique Elaborate Feathers Male Poults Flock Wild Roost Fly Snood Sacred Great Xolotl Wander

to the rhythm of that song. With a ho ho ho and a ha ha ha, I trim a little here, cut a little there and chop a chunk in the back. I step back to see my progress and, lo and behold, it’s the Cowardly Lion ... no, more like the Wicked Witch on her broomstick.

A pair of pruning shears and a dream could lead me to the happiest place on earth?

Could it be that I have a topiary career in my future? I’m having visions now (to go along with the song in my head) of a largerthan-life chicken in the pasture; a sad-sack burro down in the gully; oh, how about a giant Mickey Mouse in the front yard. If I get good enough I could maybe, just maybe, work for Disney.

I just finished reading Walt Disney’s biography. He was a frontrunner in so many creative concepts, not the least of which

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was the reintroduction of portable style topiary. It was his attempt to bring his cartoon characters to life around the parks through the medium of landscape shrubbery.

All I need is steel wire frame, some sphagnum moss and there’s a Dumbo and a Grumpy and a Lady and the Tramp in my yard’s future.

Wow! What started as a necessary, seasonal garden project has turned into a potential path to a lifelong dream ... working at the Magic Kingdom. Could it be so simple? A pair of pruning shears and a dream could lead me to the happiest place on earth?

Wizard of Oz is out. Now, the tune from Pinocchio ...

When you wish upon a star, Makes no difference where you are, When you wish upon a star, Your dreams come true.

I look up, ready to make a wish but the blazing sunlight of reality blinds me into real time.

Okay, my imagination has gotten the best of me. When I look at my creation, what I see is not a caricature topiary, it’s really just a terribly poor pruning job.

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Q: Which type of key won’t open any door?

A: A turkey!

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November 2017

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Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

Answers from page 10

Thanksgiving Parrot

A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy.

His family knowing this decided to surprise him on Thanksgiving Day. Now the parrot wasn’t raised in a Christian environment and it was mocking, insulting, and threatening the man.

That Thanksgiving Day the parrot got the man so angry that he put it in the freezer. After three minutes he let the parrot out.

The parrot said, “I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you.” The man said, “You did.!”

Then the parrot said, ”Can i asks you one more question?”

The man said, “Sure. What is it?”

The parrot asked, “What did the turkey do?”

Answers from page 23

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November 2017

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In the Interest of Transparency

25

By Robyn Justo

I don’t think any of us can say that things aren’t getting weird out there. The thing is that what is now considered as acceptable information to share was taboo not too long ago.

I find myself shaking my head with the news story previews on AOL. There are stats on how many sexual partners most people have (with shots of sheets and two sets of feet sticking out of them) and how many times humans poop per day (or should if they want to be considered normal). Car ads on TV are going there too by showing a couple in various vehicles bouncing up and down, followed by an appearance of a kid or two or three. We know how this works already, don’t we?

There are graphically detailed stories of the lewd, sexual missteps (to put it mildly) of politicians, CEOs, formerly celebrated sports and religious figures who should have been watching where their own little feet (or hands) were taking them, many of whom we looked up to or

worse yet, went to confession and asked for forgiveness. And what about the slew of tales of selfiesending, snapchatting teachers who can’t seem to find a date over 16 years old?

Perhaps the events of the world are simply so hard to digest that we need to be distracted by headlines of pseudo-celebs’ “stunning, head-turning, or jaw dropping,” almost-there-outfits or worse yet, everyday narcissistic activities.

All of this brings up a visual of Linda Blair’s head spinning, guacamole spewing scene in The Exorcist. I don’t want to see or hear anything that shocks me that much anymore. Maybe it’s my age or maybe I get nauseated with the ick factor.

I don’t want to know what happens if I stop having sex or if I am not pooping up to par. But sometimes by accident (or when I just can’t help myself) I click on one of these ridiculously seductive stories or photos and I ask myself why. Then I’m scrambling for my

mouse and clicking the x-box, top right, like a madwoman.

I honestly don’t want to hear the heartbreaking 911 call with the voice of a relative begging for help for a dying famous person. Why is this news now? Is there anything private or sacred anymore? It’s numbing.

All of this brings up a visual of Linda Blair’s head spinning, guacamole spewing scene in The Exorcist.

On top of it all, all of this is monetized. When I click on a real story of a real disaster or to see where a hurricane is headed, I am forced to sit through an advertisement of what’s on sale at Target or which new Maybelline mascara or nail polish will make me look hot. Worse yet, all around the video are ads popping up in my face, often with something I

have recently purchased online, surrounded by thumbnail shots of those two sets of feet and sheets again, one set painted, most likely

by Maybelline (that I can buy at Target).

I wonder…if “they” know what I just bought, do “they” know which category I am in regarding my daily bathroom visits or number of hookups I’ve had? Just sayin’. And who might be on the other end of those feet in those pictures?

If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

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November 2017

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November 2-5

November 25

Big Sur Food & Wine

Small Business Saturday

Packed with great events in one of the most beautiful places in the world. A benefit for the recovery of the Big Sur community and the folks to the north that were affected by the devastating fires. bigsurfoodandwine.org

November 2-12

Present Laughter

A self-obsessed actor has to deal with women who want to seduce him, cope with a crazed young playwright, and overcome his impending mid-life crisis.

This play has enjoyed numerous revivals all over the world. mpctheater.com

November 8-20

Lady Washington

This tall ship will take part in a special reenactment of the Bouchard attack on Monterey.

Cannon duels, beach Landing, the lowering of the Spanish flag the raising of the Argentine flag.

Tours and sails round out the port stay. historicalseaport.org

November 13-14

Orchid Festival

Lots to see and learn at this fifth annual event. Sale, demonstrations, silent auction and care classes. carmelorchidsocient.org

November 16

Tolerance Day

Like all days, let’s practice tolerance, respect and dignity.

Let’s also make a complete stop at all stop signs.

November 3

Oldtown Art Walk

The longest continuous art walk is full of surprises with artist receptions, music, dance, and magic. artistasunidos.org

What would our world look like if we didn’t have small businesses? I don’t want to know.

November 17 November 11

Veteran’s Day Parade

Oldtown Salinas host a parade to honor the men and women who valiantly served our county. salinasveteransparade.org

YAC Holiday Art Show

In addition to all new 2-D and 3-D art of YAC artists and their mentors, the first set of paintings from their newest Elder Portrait Project will be featured.

Plus YACebana arrangements! yacstudios.org

November 25-26

Gem Faire

A showcase of fine jewelry, precious and semi-precious, crystals, beads and gold and silver. gemfaire.com

November 27

Parade of Lights

A Salinas tradition that lights up Oldtown with a night time parade.

Salinasparade.com

November 29

An Irish Christmas

World champion dancers bring their award-winning cast to Monterey for a night of dancing, singing and Irish traditional music. goldenstatetheatre.com

November 11

Tom Papa

November 3-5

Jurassic Quest

An exhibition of life-size, moving museum quality Dinosaurs roam the fairgrounds. jurassicquest.com

A very funny and creative guy with a successful career in film, TV, radio and stand–up. He hosts a weekly podcast on Sirius XM. goldenstatetheatre.com

November 13

Sadie Hawkins Day

Originated from the cartoon, Lil Abner. A race was held where all the single girls chased the boys.

If she catches her man, he has to marry her.

November 30 November 23

Thanksgiving Day

We all have so much to be thankful for. Thanks for reading.

Too Well to Work Day Feeling good?

Why blow it by going to work?

November 2017

www.foolishtimes.net

The Holiday Season Starts Here 4th 5th

Over 30 Vendors

November 26th 6:00 pm The Parade runs up S. Main St. from Acacia St. to the Steinbeck Center

RAIN OR MOONSHINE!

Join us before the parade at Maya Cinemas for the Kids Zone. It is FREE!

50,000wrong!

Readers can’t

be

Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers

Q: Why shouldn’t you look at the turkey dressing?

A: Because it will make him blush.

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