Foolish Times December 2019

December 2018 1

Holiday Recycling » Pg. 4 First Night Monterey » Pg. 12 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

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FULL SERVICE BUTCHER SHOP Leg of Lamb • Crown Pork Roast Prime Rib • Ham

Quality Local Products • Fresh Organic Produce Great Selection of Wine & beer • Scrumptious Bakery items Specialty Gourmet Products Hot & Cold Deli Items Made Fresh Daily Christmas Eve Hot Deli Special: Prime Rib Dinner Holiday Hours: Cmas Eve 9-3pm Closed Cmas Day 242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove 831.375.9581 www.grovemarketgrocery.com Open Monday-Saturday 8-7pm • Sunday 9-6pm From Our Family to Yours, “Thank You and Happy Holidays!”

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead.............................Stevie P. Editorial Fool.............................Susie Q. Art Fool...........................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool..........................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Angela Goebel, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt Cover Art: Chuck Scardina Illustrated: Morgan Mecham

The Chucklehead Speaks Here we are again, the end of another year.

January lingered and October went on forever.

Summer was much cooler than 2017 and traffic is getting to be a problem. On my commute to the office, it used to be one car ahead of me was normal traffic while two would have my anxiety off the charts until noon.

With 2019 just days away, I want to end this year on a happy note and have it continue for all the days to come. I’m also going to do my best to stay out of stores and off the roads.

I was in a store on Black Friday and noticed a huge display of weird looking gadgets. I stopped a sales clerk and asked her what they were and what they did. She told me they don’t do anything. They are just

Christmas gifts. I bought three. The only sensible thing I bought was for my son. It’s an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

Let’s celebrate each other and each day. Replace the drama of gossip and bad news by telling jokes and spreading joy and happiness. This doesn’t mean you can gloat when giving bad directions to visitors.

Or is that just me?

Happy Hanukkah, rejoice in the axial tilt of Winter Solstice, Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa. And please, don’t drive to work at the same time I do.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

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HOLIDAY WASTE REDUCTION Gifts and Decorations

Last Chance Mercantile accepts donations of holiday decorations all year long. Or, shop Last Chance for tree ornaments and white elephant gifts. Last Chance also accepts and resells reusable household goods like kitchenware, books, clothing, furniture, and sporting goods.

Holiday Lights

By Angela Goebel Public Education and Outreach Specialist, Monterey Regional Waste Management District

Locally, waste generation increases an average 93 lbs. per household per month between December and January. This holiday season, consider these tips to reduce, reuse and recycle!

Check out www.whatgoeswhere. info for more information on local recycling programs.

Beverage Containers MRWMD’s Buy Back Center, located behind the Last Chance Mercantile, pays cash for CRV bottles and cans. Non-CRV containers may be taken to MRWMD’s free recycling drop-off in front of the store.

The Buy Back Center is open 9 am-4 pm, Monday-Friday and 9 am-3 pm, Saturday. www. mrwmd.org/buy-back-center

If the lights are broken, drop them off at the electronic waste recycling center behind Last Chance Mercantile. If the lights still work, please donate them to Last Chance Mercantile.

Food Waste Visit www.savethefood.com for tips on how to reduce your food waste through smart meal planning, proper food storage, and recipes for leftovers. Food scraps and plate scrapings can be dropped off at farmers markets in Carmel, Marina, and Pacific Grove for composting.

More details at www. organicstoenergy.org/get-started

Used Cooking Oil MRWMD’s Household Hazardous Waste Collection Facility accepts up to 15 gallons of used cooking oil. You can also recycle curbside with a Used Oil Recovery Kit from GreenWaste Recovery. Call for more details 831.920.6707.

Wrapping Paper

Christmas Trees Through January 31, you can drop off your tree at MRWMD for free or place it with yard waste for curbside pickup. Trees over six feet must be cut in half, and all lights, decorations and stands must be removed. Flocked trees are not accepted.

Clean wrapping paper without foil or plastic lining can go in curbside recycling bins or be taken to MRWMD’s recycling drop-off. All tape and ribbon must be removed. Gift bags are not recyclable, so reuse them or donate them to the Last Chance Mercantile at MRWMD.

Polystyrene Foam (Styrofoam) Due to changes in the global recycling market, polystyrene foam (Styrofoam) is no longer accepted curbside in the blue bin.

MRWMD’s recycling drop-off will also accept clean polystyrene packaging (no food containers) in the month of January.

Electronics MRWMD accepts electronics for free behind the Last Chance Mercantile. Accepted electronics include televisions, computers, and microwaves.

Household Batteries Waste Management and GreenWaste Recovery allow household batteries to be recycled curbside when placed in clear bags on top of your recycling cart. For specific battery types accepted, visit www.mrwmd. com/holidayrecycling.

Batteries are also accepted at MRWMD’s Household Hazardous Waste Collection Facility, open 9 am-4 pm, Tuesday - Saturday.

Please share this information with your friends, co-workers and neighbors. By doing your part, you give the best possible gift for our planet, community and future.

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BOTTLE SHOPPE Surf N Sand Liquors Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town. Chilled wines & champagne.

Wine tasting room.

Visit our cigar lounge.

Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge.

Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet-friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts.

55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

DONUTS

ITALIAN

PUBS

Red’s

Gino’s

Crown & Anchor

Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts.

433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444

Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

CHINESE Full Moon Open Christmas Day Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

WINE Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available.

Carmel 831.624.3821

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse Open Christmas Day The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram When an Aries says to an attractive man or woman at a Christmas party, “I am an Aries!”

What they are implying is you must believe in Fairies. It’s no wonder you fascinate so many!

Dance of sugar plums all around your head, Etch-a-Sketching new ideas to no end and breaking eggnog bread. Your virtue never varies. Immerse yourself in the holiday glee because you are a partridge in a rare tree.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your ginormous agenda is bringing the Jedi order down. Unwrap those packages of grief and also air out those wooly socks. You need a rhapsody in woo, wholly! Take the stockings and throw the rocks out, replace with Lacrosse, a ball harries no moss. Focus on your equable and generous side to keep the peace and make room for the Force of Mistletoe, you gigolo!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are an island of misfit noise!

This abashment comes from that awkward Tamborine, like that bang of beans you call your scene.

You like to perform using your wit and moving to center stage, but these muffled sounds, are a nightmare before XMAS. Lend your ear to what inside steers clear of having to try to be somebody.

Remember your shimmer.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab The gaping mouth of Fooleries is upon you, HA, HA, HA, hmmmm.

It’s burbling back to you your landfill of judgements disguised as Crisco allura red icing. This loyal lard is tricky when you’ve been flakey to yourself! Trying to be ALL to everyone is being nothing to most. This puts you in an isolated predicament.You must not pout. You know what Santa Clause says about pouting. You are not made of a synthetic substance, you too have needs. (This was a test in jest) Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion “I will not reconcile to second best!” Of course not! Why should you great feline of forward movement!? 5 Golden Rings for you to pierce a nostril, the belly button, nipple or other aroar-agenormous zones, because what makes you so special is that jutting chin of confidence that cuts through any inner qualms! Braid the leftover Christmas ribbon and simply enjoy Dinging and Donging Merrily on High.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin VIRGONOMICS! It’s what happens when intelligence and reason collide in a yule tide and succeed in overcoming stacks of stupid.

Using your vast practicality to budget your fudget time you have proven your robustness in the ART of life. Holiday time is for a foolish venture that will make you laugh and cry at the same time. This is what happens when joy and fear

mingle jingle. Ha, Ha, Ha and a Hee, Hee, Hee & Ho Yeah!

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Relationships, relation ships, relation chips, potato chips, you just can’t get enough lays. You are as tempting and treacherous as a donut, you spry little fry! Holy on one side and irreverent on the other with sprinkles all over.

Never judge a look by its cover, but I read that charming facade of yours, and it’s not cutting the custard when it comes to real togetherness. Have yourself a merry little unfinished business.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A secretive deadly creature lurks just beyond the horizon! DOUBT! This curved border represents how you may bend and lend a mend to your higher consciousness. I know, I know this can be very far off at times and seemingly untouchable, but when confronted with disaster you turn it into success. No need to hide away in moist towelettes.

Make your list for the 25th, and behold a true love’s prospect awaiting you in the midst.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer It’s your BIRTHDAY, Grand Archer in the fire sky! With your buoyant presence you will follow the bulls-eye. You will go as far as it will guide. You are fickle, a bona fide prickle, all explorations start with just a trickle. I could add Chris Kringle, but I won’t...dear Sag, Happy Birthday to you!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Drop the avant-garbage! The cupboard is full, bloating with neurosis of the geuzosis. All the colors eventually meld into Snow White. Compartmentalizing just brings more cupboards, more dust and only crumbs for your deep hidden desires. You must know by now you are hypnotically attractive. Yes? So why not let that secret buried in your depths shine, glitter and glow for all to know!

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier How was Halloween? Did you go INDIGO!? All colorful and savvy, with your masks a road show.

Were any a close hit to where your heart fits? Face it, laughter between all your aloofness is like Mayo to stale bread. So you had a good time but something was missing. “Tell it to the Mountain.”

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s not a silent night, not even a holy night, its BARRACUDAAAAA! Sometimes you need an entrance. This can be a momentum starter. You need to fill the gills with fresh sea water, (or filtered) let the fins sail on high and work, work, work, until the governor says drip dry! Showing up everyday and dancing with the plume, painting with colors of the wind, or just making it up is 100% of it! Watch for the Polar Express, Zoom! ALL YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS is a ride, you shall have it.

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By Lily Brun

Ginger Up! ’Tis the season for ginger. That fiery, spicy herb that’s most popular year-round in Asian foods, but comes into its heyday during the holidays. What would our celebrations look like without intricately decorated gingerbread houses that never get eaten, or gingerbread people that we creepily do eat, biting off the heads and limbs without a second thought, or ginger ale, that everpresent elixir that soothes upset tummies?

Well, it wouldn’t be as tasty for sure. Gingerbread is one of those iconic holiday treats that you either love or hate. I’m on the love side of the issue. It’s to December what pumpkin spice is to November.

Yes, in case you’re wondering, there is a gingerbread latte.

And also, gingerbread scones.

Gingerbread pancakes. Ginger snaps. Gingerbread eggnog.

Gingerbread hot chocolate. How about a gingerbread Manhattan?

Gingerbread truffles? You get the point. I kind of get the point.

Sweet, yummy edible treats that

hit all of the taste bud touchpoints.

Edible is the operative word here. What I don’t get is the whole gingerbread house fixation … all that time spent making one, never to get eaten. Many become unfolding science experiments of moldy candy and cement-like

Many become unfolding science experiments of moldy candy and cement-like frosting. frosting that then gets dumped in the garbage, a clear sign that the holidays are, indeed, over. The entire endeavor baffles me.

Making gingerbread houses was never a holiday tradition in my house. My kids liked all of the components … gum drops, candy canes, frosting, cookies… which they promptly ate before any plans were made to build a house. They were not fans of gingerbread, or more precisely, ginger, at least in sweets.

It is an acquired taste, even in a savory dish. Fiery and spicy, it packs a wallop. You wouldn’t know

that by looking at it, though. It’s pasty bland and colorless, probably because it grows underground.

Not as a root, as a rhizome, an aggressive underground stem that worms its way through the dirt, spreading and taking over from other plants. It’s invasive, harmful to a garden if left unchecked. It’s weird to think that once it’s dug up those very aggressive properties transform it into a superhero for healthy living. A little ginger in the diet keeps a body in tip-top shape.

Little known fact: a doctor once prescribed gingerbread to a King of Sweden to cure his depression.

Maybe he was struggling trying

MAKE

ME

INGREDIENTS • 2 avocados • 8 oz cooked Dungeness crab meat • 2 lemons, juiced and zested • 2 tsp mayonnaise • 2 tsp Dijon mustard

It’s absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made out of their own flesh.

to understand the whole nonedible gingerbread house craze.

Or maybe he had just read Hansel and Gretel, a Brothers Grimm scary tale about a cannibalistic witch who kidnaps two children and takes them to a forest house that’s … wait for it … made of cake and covered in candy and treats.

An alarming story that would send anyone into a funk, even a King.

But the story was the presumed beginnings of the gingerbread house-making fad.

In fact, Germany, where the Brothers Grimm lived, is home to Nuremburg, the Gingerbread Capital of the World. Wow! Ok, so that concludes the story of gingerbread and its role in holiday history.

But what I don’t understand is why ginger is used to describe redheads. I will say though, having a redheaded daughter, has truly spiced up my life.

• 2 tsp tarragon, chopped • Olive oil • Salt & pepper • Cilantro, chopped

DIRECTIONS 1. Preheat grill 2. Cut avocados in half, remove pit 3. Brush with oil, season with s & p 4. Place avocados on grill to obtain grill marks, set aside 5. In a mixing bowl, combine crab, mayonnaise, mustard, lemon juice, zest and tarragon 6. Place mixture inside the avocado pit indents 7. Garnish with cilantro and serve

A Fractured Christmas Tale

By Debbie Harris It was two days before Christmas at the North Pole. Everyone was working feverishly in the toy factory, getting ready for the big day. The Grinch, in charge of the whole process, smiled broadly. “I know we can make it,” he said, clapping his hands together. “We can’t disappoint a single child— even the bratty ones.” “Can’t we take a break?” whined Santa, coming up behind him.

“I’m tired.” “You can take an eating break,” replied the Grinch. “You have to fit the suit, you know,” he said grinning and patting Santa on the tummy. “But I’m not hungry,” Santa whined.

“Besides, my sugar is elevated

and my cholesterol is through the roof. Don’t any of you care what happens to me?” he pleaded toward the figure approaching him.

“No,” replied Bob Cratchet sternly, placing a dish of extra buttery, double sugar cookies on the table in front of Santa. “Eat, or three spirits will visit you while you sleep tonight,” Bob warned curtly as he turned and strode off. “Where’s my good friend Rudolph?” asked Santa as he bit into a cookie. “He’s hooked up to the generator,” answered the Grinch. “Gotta get him all juiced up for the ride.”

Through his chewing, Santa

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831.648.1038

could hear the faint yells of distress coming from the reindeer clinic. “That’s either Rudolph or Ralphie already got his Red Rider Action Carbone Air Rifle and just shot his eye out,” Santa said, sounding worried. “It’s Rudolph,” assured the Grinch. “He’ll be finished in a minute. Don’t fret any weight off. I’m sure he’ll come out with almost as much fur as he had when he went in.” “Where are the animal rights activists when you need them?” brooded Santa, forcing another cookie into his mouth.

It seems that children’s parents had hit the malls and toy stores and loaded the kids up with more gifts than even Santa could bring.

“You’re not on a break, pointy ears!” growled Tiny Tim, poking Hermie the elf with his crutch.

“Don’t forget this is a sweatshop. Get to work!!” “Now, now,” soothed the Grinch. “This is a kind sweatshop. You’re a good foreman, Tim, but we don’t want any elf-harassment lawsuits.

Why don’t you take a five minute break.”

“Bah, humbug!” growled Tiny Tim, rounding the workbench and bracing himself against it so his crutch would be free for another poke. “Do you think we’ll be ready in time, boss?” Tiny Tim asked the Grinch, who was placing a magician’s hat on Frosty.

Frosty came to life and

interjected, “Happy Birthday!

With magic, we can do anything!”

Tim removed the hat and Frosty froze to stillness. Despite Tim’s worries, the sleigh left on time to make deliveries all around the world.

Unfortunately, the Grinch had relied on Buddy the really large elf to keep their yearly calendar, but Buddy had gotten maple syrup and cotton candy on the calendar and had to throw it away. In its place, he used one that was a few years old. As a result, the North Pole gang made their gift-giving trek two days too late.

Once they realized they were late, the group was worried that they would encounter nothing but sad children at all their stops, but that was not so. It seems that children’s parents had hit the malls and toy stores and loaded the kids up with more gifts than even Santa could bring. The North Pole workers realized, with much disappointment, that they were not needed and probably never had been. “I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been,” grumbled Santa, landing the sleigh in front of the toyshop. “All that time I wasted,” Santa moaned. “I wasted my life,” he shouted loudly. “Wasted!!!!” He raised his fists in anger.

Out of the toyshop came George Bailey, who said gently, “No Santa—It’s not a wasted life. It’s a Wonderful Life.”

The newscast starts with, ’Good evening.’

Then proceeds to tell you why it isn’t.

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How NOT to take care of your elderly Mama: Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.

The first said, “You know I had that big house built for Mama.”

The second said, ” And I had the large theater built in that house.”

The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took 10 preachers almost eight years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel.

I stay home and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.

Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me this expensive theater with Dolby sound and all. It can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never get to use it.

Thank you for the gesture, just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

Thank you so much. The chicken was delicious.”

Love, Mama

cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned.

I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Definition of “OLD” A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome

#1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” #2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied: “Two years older than me” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth

going home, is it?” #3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” #4 I’ve sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license. #5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. #6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week” #7 My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

What Did You Get?

By Jann Gargiulo

Do you remember going back to school after the Christmas break?

It was one of my least favorite things to do. I always asked my mom if I could stay home just one more day. I knew that she knew why I wanted to stay home, but would she feel compassion and let me? You’ve learned a little about my mom over this time we’ve spent together so you probably know that her reply was a very loud, “No way!”

So, I went to school like all the rest. The boys would skip. Elsie “never did anything wrong!”

Charlotte liked school — the social part, so she probably just lied!

Ruth was very shy and only had a few girl friends; it didn’t matter

with her. But ME, I thought it really mattered!!! What am I talking about? Why Christmas gifts, of course!

You see around our house you couldn’t ask for something for Christmas like most children did, because we knew that Daddy was in charge of paying for gifts. We were definitely poor!

You know how at school kids bring in food for the less fortunate? We would bring in cans of food, and then get them back when the school would deliver to us all they had collected! My dad would be so hurt, but he would thank the people then tell them that we are fine. If it is okay, he knows people further in the woods

that could sure use this food, and he’d be happy to deliver it for them. And that’s what he did and we went with him!

11 So when it was my turn and the question came up, “What did you get for Christmas?” I paused, and replied, “I got LOTS of love and family time. I met new people that I’m going to visit this coming year, and I learned not to look so much on me, but on those around me. I feel GREAT! How about you?”

What Did YOU get this season?

We would bring in cans of food, and then get them back when the school would deliver to us all they had collected!

So, this one year I prayed and asked God to help me say the right thing to those girls at school.

Especially because one of the girls’ mother was on the “delivery service” team who brought all that food to us!

I have the heart of a lion and lifetime ban from the zoo.

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THE BUSKER’S VIEW

By Michael Houston

2019 First Night Monterey and a World Beyond Busking DISCLAIMER – The author is a recovering teacher who entered the profession to promote human development, but he just atones for No Child Left Behind by working with arts non-profits. He is on the First Night board. All opinions expressed are his and nobody else’s fault.

FIRST NIGHT MONTEREY –THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH! As a man of the world and street busker who lives to set up impromptu rhythm bands composed of preschoolers, I strongly recommend, First Night Monterey! ¡Vengan amores, familias, niños and abuelos a, NightMonterey! Super alegre es!

Monday December 31 from 3pm to midnight, over 50 performances play Monterey’s Convention Center, Alvarado Street, the area around Colton Hall, and Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey sites including Irvine Auditorium on Pierce Street. There are lots of free activities for all ages.

A BUTTON IS BETTER True, you don’t need a button to march joyously, dig bands and dancers, all manner of public art, join the parade, and finally find life long personal happiness.

Stay healthy. Buttons get you out of the cold and into seats and onto dance floors. Buy buttons now at http://www.firstnightmonterey. org/BuyButtons/index. htm#PayPal- early bird pricing

- Up From the Gutter

through December 9 and online until December 28 and pick them up at the First Night kiosks at the event. Buttons are available at stores and the event after the 28.

Buttons let you pick your First Night finale act to enjoy with your families and new and old friends.

GET A PROGRAM There is too much to see and do without a program. This Foolish Times is just your tipster.

Monterey County Weekly’s program will help you tailor and figure out which of the shows to catch.

LIVE STREAM YOUR INBODY EXPERIENCE TOO! • AMP Media will live stream from the convention center at https:// www.ampmedia.org.

• On Facebook, Kevin Armstead and Destination 831 crew will mobile stream on Destination 831, First Night Monterey, and Salinas Living Poetry and Prose pages • On YouTube, Kevin will live stream on Destination 831 and PictureMonterey VOLUNTEER – COLOR ME MONTEREY NEEDS YOU! Volunteers make it all happen. The meetings are Saturday, December 8 at 3pm; Sunday, December 16 at 3pm; Thursday, December 27 at 6pm at the office at 542 Archer Street, in New Monterey. Get applications there or on the Web. http://www.firstnightmonterey. org/Forms/VolunteerApp_ FNM2019.pdf.

3:00 - OPENING CEREMONY – EL GRAN ENCUENTRO The best mayor ever, Dan Albert,

brings the globe together with greetings to all with Aztec Dancers and Shinsho Mugen Daiko on Pacific Street.

3:30 PM - KIDS NIGHT OUT! Young and old can enjoy interactive art activities and folk music much better than I’ll ever do. Make your own personal head gear and diverse talent for free on the streets or indoors with a button family or otherwise.

5:30 - TWILIGHT PROCESSION Dance troupes, lion dancers and you martigras down Alvarado St. RIGHT UP TO 12:00 MIDNIGHT PERFORMANCES Enjoy classical and country to Hip Hop, jazz to reggae, and dance venues. Here’s a partial list that made press time: Dan Frechette & Laurel Thomsen (Dan and Laurel), Joshua Lozoff and is wit and illusion to prove Life is Magic, Keith Greeinger and Band, Derek Bodkin’s Hovering Breadcat Folk Ensemble, La-Ti-Dah Dance Co.’s Amercan Tribal Style belly dance, Spector Dance, Kiki Wow & Fields

of Eden,Samba Legal, Singing Wood Marimba, Bruce Guynn & Big Rain, Amy Warren,Guitars Not Guns, California Cowboys, The Coffis Brothers and the Mountain Men, Heart Strings, Flashpoint Aerial Show, Azahar Flaminco de Monterey, and Heartstrings.

Expect more.

HOT PICKS My picks? Life is filled with eclectic opportunities. As an Irish diaspora busker thrilled by every act they got, the Black Irish Band at Golden State Theater takes the biscuit.

MY BEST POET Rosa Elena Espinosa Mendoza is on her fourth book for Salinas Living Poetry and Prose. As a survivor of many types of abuse and undiagnosed mental issues she has a beautifully kind and powerful response. Find her at the First Night poetry slam.

SEE IN THE NEW YEAR 2019 A GRAND FINALE! Speaking as a grandpa and your would-be-musician a half-step out of the gutter, “Art is the answer.”

Celebrate wisely and ask yourself, “Can I risk 20 grand and jail time rather than join the family and kids in a scorn free zone?”

13

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14

By Ted Gargiulo

Reimagining the Holidays

“Can’t believe it’s almost Christmas!”

Sound familiar? You’ve probably said that yourself. Bet you were just as amazed last year when Christmas arrived “too early”… and the year before. Admit it, fretting is as much a part of the holiday tradition as fruitcake and Figgie pudding (whatever the fig that is). I mean, how often do you hear anyone over the age of 7 complain that the holidays took too long to get here?

Seems that Jann and I just got through packing last year’s stuff away, and already it’s time to drag it back out AGAIN. That means putting our life on hold AGAIN, while we dig through a dozen or so boxes of glass, glitter, treeless limbs, limbless trees, bells, baskets, frayed garland, tarnished tinsel, colored blinkies, tangled twinklies, assorted thingies … and a lotta dust. It means shoving other concerns to the side, along with our furniture, to make room for all the holiday “magic” that’s gonna to make us so-o-o merry … once Jann reassembles the pieces and sets the stage. (Sorry, but decking halls isn’t part of my job description. I’m retired.)

Have you ever wished, just once, that Christmas would skip a year? Or that there at a temporal “beltway” whereby you could circumnavigate the whole hectic affair serenely and unimpeded? Imagine: you exit the beaten path shortly after Thanksgiving, then reconnect around the first of the year with your wits and finances intact. Now THAT’S holiday magic!

What puts me off is all the commercial baggage and secular baloney associated with the holiday Mind you, I have no issue whatever with the religious observance, such as it is. What puts me off is all the commercial baggage and secular baloney associated with the holiday; the bloat, the hysteria, the compulsivity and overkill that invades our lives each year. Not to mention the stress people inflict upon themselves and each other. Me, I don’t stress. I simply make wisecracks and get on Jann’s

50,000wrong!

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nerves. Fortunately I’m cute, and I blend with the decor, so she keeps me around.

One Christmas, I had this brainstorm and asked Jann what she thought about it. Let’s exchange our presents now, BUT… wait until NEXT Christmas before opening them! That way, we could prolong the mystery of what’s inside them for 12 months. (I’ve always contended that a gift, once revealed, never equals the sum of its secrets.) The delay would also give us extra time to admire those gorgeous wrappings before ripping them to shreds. Sadly, my brilliant proposal did not score any points with Jann, or our daughter.

So, I had another idea. We take back all the items we gave each other last year and the year before, re-wrap them, then give them as gifts again this year. If the same old tired merchandise were covered back up and reopened a year or two later, we could maybe rekindle the surprise and wonder we experienced the first time around—AND, best of all, without anyone spending more money!

The ladies rolled their eyes and snorted. No dice. Years later, I actually pulled this stunt on Jann, thinking I could fool her. Take it from me, it was a totally BAD idea! Don’t even think about trying this on someone you love. Big mistake!

If I’ve learned anything about the Christmas holiday, it’s that feelings and traditions are sacred, and I’m better off not screwing with them.

15

HOW WE KNOW SANTA IS A

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Oh Atlanta

16

Travels with Chucklehead

First time being selected to go in a special TSA line where you don't have to empty your pockets or take off your shoes. The thought of zipping through security at an airport at rock star speed was quickly squashed by a buzzer alerting personnel to randomly pull me out of line to do things usually reserved for events having a 'safe word'. Oh Atlanta!

First time on a flight with a medical emergency. It didn't play out like the scene in the movie Airplane where passengers were lined up to smack the woman.

The flight attendants held us off while a doctor stepped forward to find out it was low blood sugar. So remember kids, take all necessary medication as advised by your doctor or risk a beat down at 40,000 feet.

What Austin is to Texas, Atlanta is to Georgia.

1 Hour

First time in Atlanta, one of the fastest growing metropolitan areas dominated by folks under 35.

What Austin is to Texas, Atlanta is to Georgia. Atlanta is a college town with major universities and plenty of professional jobs for young people who want to stay.

There is also a 4-1 ratio of women to men so I have no clue how any work gets done. Monterey County does not have this problem. We don't need tilted ratios to do nothing all day.

All their professional sport teams have the same history of

failure as John Bell Hood. Most folks here have middle names they actually use. There was one baby on board the flight that was screaming most of the trip. I'm sure this child had a middle name.

Another first was visiting the Georgia Aquarium. The outside of the building looks like the bow of a ship and has the inviting feel of children and family first.

Fifteen minutes after entering the building, I was sitting in the splash zone of a bottlenose dolphin show learning that they are in the whale family. Fifteen minutes at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I'm smarter for showing up on a week day so I'm not dodging baby buggies being used as battering rams and people staring at their phones.

There were a few familiar sights floating around. Pacific Ocean Rock fish raced to greet me when they saw ‘Monterey’ across the front of my hoody. I promised to deliver a message to their family members that they are being treated well and sorry for not returning their text messages. I was thrilled to see a California Sea Lion show. They took all the bright ones and left their smart ass relatives here to wake me up at 4am most mornings with their loud barking.

The largest tank in the world, Ocean Voyager, holds 6.3 million gallons of water and was specially designed to house whale sharks, the largest fish species in the world. UPS can be thanked for delivering these gentle giants.

They derived a way to safely transport them from Taipei to

Georgia so we can see these massive creatures up close in the only place in the U.S. One word describes them…awesome.

Greatest Coke in America and Bert's chili poured over hash browns is the ultimate comfort food at the Waffle House. Throw in two Angus beef burgers served with a side of southern hospitality for around $8 and you have a special date night meal. Oh Atlanta, got to get back to you.

Christmas: The only time a year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of a sock.

DowntownBookAndSound.com

17

By Rex Keyes

Good Old December

It is unbelievable how crowded the stores were before Thanksgiving.

We went to Costco two days before the Big Turkey Day and we had to drive around for a while to find a parking space. If a person was leaving and just starting to load up their vehicle another car would park close by with their blinkers on and wait for that person to load up and leave even if it took five minutes and backing up traffic in the parking lot. What is needed is a trolley or rail line around the parking lot to take people to the store entry.

Whoever placed the stacks of candy and chocolates right near one of the main isles was a genius.

Inside the store every person loaded up with so much food that when we got there we were surprised anything was left. All the schools must have been out this week because the place had more kids than we have ever seen on a weekday. They were

running around the freezer section grabbing the ice cream and popsicles saying, “Mommy, mommy can we have this.” And mommy didn’t stand a chance because if she said no they would start crying; smart kids. Whoever placed the stacks of candy and chocolates right near one of the main aisles was a genius because the kids could easily see the candy, pick it up and bring it to mommy and play the same trick as with the ice cream.

Every cart seemed to be loaded with food, wine and dessert, especially pies. I could be wrong but I believe the bottles of wine were to relieve the stress for whoever was doing the cooking and handling the family dinner.

When we reached the checkout counters they all had at least eight people with carts waiting in line.

We luckily found a line with only five shoppers in it and everyone for some strange reason had only 10 items or less. It moved fairly quickly. Maybe they should have lines with 10 or 15 items or less. I think I’ll put that in their suggestion box.

Costco wasn’t the only place

that was packed. The Safeway in Seaside was full of people coming and going. Safeway’s parking lot was practically full unless you wanted to park in the part of the lot that extended to Fremont Avenue. Safeway must also be a popular place for single people to shop because a lot of people were bringing out prepared food thus saving them from cooking.

Last minute shopping for Thanksgiving must now be the norm. And if that is the norm it is going to be amazing to see what it will be like for Christmas.

When it comes to food and holidays America is on a buying spree. And since we got that heavy new marijuana tax maybe the government should put mini trolley cars in every downtown city and in the large malls for people to shop. After all not having to walk around so much might be good for our knees and hips once we grow older, less wear and tear.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney?

A: Because it soots him!

Q: What do Santa’s elves do after school?

A: Their gnomework!

Q: What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast?

A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Silent Night.

Q: What is the fear of Santa Claus called?

A: Claustrophobia Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish!

Q: What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?

A: Jungle Bells!

Q: Why does Santa have a garden?

A: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Why did the dog hang his stocking at Christmas?

A: He was waiting for Santa Paws.

18

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By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS !?

Year-End Advice Blowout

’Tis the season of stress and cheap fruitcake, and we’re cruisin’ full throttle aboard the annual cursing spree of Holiday Tourette Syndrome. So, all advice must go!

Here’s my first tip: If you gain weight this month, just return the ugly sweater or those ultra thong ski pants and treat yourself to a larger straitjacket. As a lifelong blatherskite, my thoughts in this DILLIGS column (aka “Does it look like I give a sh-t?!”) may veer off course like a three-wheeled shopping cart. But, baby, you can’t beat the price.

QUESTION: My mother-in-law makes everything about her. Any tips on narcissism?

DILLIGS: You think that’s bad??

I’ve been there, done that, and a measly mother-in-law is nothing compared to my vast experience with hordes of these sickos.

Several big-name publishers—a really, really big bunch of them— have hounded me to write a book on the topic, perhaps a trilogy.

I’m told that’s, like, three books!

Guaranteed a best-seller, with movie rights. Thanks for writing, so glad I could help.

QUESTION: How can I spend less on gifts?

DILLIGS: Here’s a great idea for stocking stuffers. Grab that bag of hoarded 1990s shoulder pads, and in the center of each pad, glue one of the Easter marshmallow bunnies rescued from the attic mice. Smooth the nibbled parts, then cut off the ears and attach them to the bunny chests in the shape of praying hands…paws.

Whatever. Add glitter and voila!

Unique angel doodads for those ‘hard to buy for” lawyers in the corporate office. Money saved—kaching! A high-return strategy your financial planner never bothered to tell you.

aisle with a giant python coiled around me. Give this a whirl! And when the cops are called, present a “license” downloaded from the Internet, and explain that “Fuzzy” is a trained service pet for your Holiday Tourette Syndrome.

QUESTION: What’s the best way to survive a reindeer attack?

DILLIGS: Ooh, now we’re rockin’! As a comparison: When a bear attacks, it’s best to go limp and imitate a hunk of meat long past the expiration date.

But, to ward off garden slugs, make yourself large, loud and fierce! If they circle you, punch

19 the pack leader directly on its pineal gland. If you miss, all bets are off. Reindeer, however, have long controlled the narrative that they’re docile animals. Fake news!! They often run amok and entangle their antlers in the belts of unsuspecting golfers, then drag their prey underwater and roll violently until the golfer drowns or admits cheating. Beware of reindeer shenanigans if you see garish plaid clothing float to the surface of a suburban koi pond.

Your best defense? Easy. Keep “Fuzzy” nearby, off leash.

Holy suspicious red noses! Could our Christmas mythology have a dark and dangerous underbelly?

After all these years singin’ about not joining any “reindeer games,” I say we nab Rudolph for a chat. © 2018 Mary Tompsett

Reindeer, however, have long controlled the narrative that they’re docile animals. Fake news!!

QUESTION: How can I deal with rude shoppers in crowded stores?

DILLIGS: I find few things more effective and satisfying than sauntering through the “70% Off”

I don’t think I’ll attend Christmas dinner this year...

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she’s going to make dinner with all the trimmings.

A Mom brings her young daughter to our office with a terrible case of the flu. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the doctor looked the little girl in the eye and said, “What would you say is bothering you the most?”

Without skipping a beat she promptly answered, “My brother. He always breaks my toys!”

20

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December — What’s it all about?

Answers on pg 24

Pearl Harbor Hanukkah Christmas Boxing Kwanzaa Turquoise Zircon Tanzanite Narcissus Holly Sagittarius Capricorn National Cookie Day Winter Handwashing Fruit Cake

Not a Creature was Stirring…

By Robyn Justo ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Well it surely wasn’t Christmas. It was the day before my birthday in October and something WAS stirring!

After putting off getting new windshield wiper blades for months thinking there really was no need because we had no rain, I finally went to the car parts store and picked up a pair.

The clerk was kind enough to install them and then opened the hood to refill the wiper fluid which had mysteriously and quite suddenly run dry.

We both jumped back with a start at the sight of a huge pile of branches, leaves, and bits of insulation from the underside of my hood, otherwise known as an enormous nest, a veritable rodent condominium complex.

I stood there in utter shock. The girth of some of the branches indicated that this might be a very large rodent or possibly a squirrel. How in the world could it carry those things up a tire and under the hood? Was he steroidal or worse yet, rabid? Was

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

there more than one? I did recall cringing after seeing something with a tail scamper under my front porch not too long before.

The clerk took the nest away and made an attempt to fill the wiper fluid to no avail as it appeared that the culprit had chewed the tubing to the container. He also gnawed the wiring to my blinkers, lights and horn. Good thing my engine didn’t catch fire A friend asked, “Awwww. Were there babies??” which added to my mounting guilt about the destruction of another creature’s home.

“NO babies!” I said, as I imagined the local rat pack colony raising their little rat fists in the air and chanting, “WE WILL REBUILD!” Another friend asked me if they rode along with me. How the hell did I know? I didn’t see any little rat seat belts. The Toyota service guy told me that they could get IN my car in places and urged me to get a rodent guard. Was that someone who stood beside my car at night? Hired! Turns out it’s a screen of some sort, but not guaranteed to work.

So now I was petrified of small, angry, possibly rabid, hitchhiking, teeth baring creatures plotting revenge against their destroyer.

I called my landlord and to my chagrin, he informed me that this had happened to the prior tenant. Would have been nice to have known this so that I could have taken precautions or moved elsewhere. He thought that the rats only ate VW wires because they were soy. So they have a dietary and nutritional

preference? Did it matter if it was GMO? Whatever Toyota used for their wiring must have been very appetizing because my Matrix was now a smorgasbord. My landlord was very sorry and put a Havahart cage out on the side of my car to try to catch the Galloping Gourmet.

The next morning the cage was full, but not with the perp. Pepe le Pew was not happy and paced

I was petrified of small, angry, possibly rabid, hitchhiking, teeth baring creatures plotting revenge against their destroyer. the cage with an angry face. My landlord was attempting to toss a towel over the cage to settle him down, but you can guess the rest.

Pepe did NOT have a heart and did his business straight in the direction of my landlord.

Two days later something told me to check under the hood again and there was something resembling a peace offering (or so I thought). It looked like a Christmas wreath, but on closer inspection it was the start of yet another nest. I closed the hood and let my landlord open it up later and steroidal Willard jumped out at him and he almost did his own Pepe business right then and there.

Later that week while my car was being serviced and inspected, they found another basketball sized nest behind the dash of my car. Oh man! I was being invaded!

Should I e-rat-icate them? I

21 opted for peppermint spray for the tires (they supposedly don’t like this) and sonar to hurt their little rat ears. I have a heart too, but I’m not opposed to deterrents.

The comedians (mechanics and service dudes) at Toyota suggested I stop by the animal shelter on the way home and grab a cat. I just shook my head, but secretly wished I had one.

The next day I was inside packing to move. The rat(s) had succeeded in destroying my peaceful abode and now I guess we were even. I heard a strange squeaky noise outside and went to look. Was it that little varmint?

There was a very (I mean VERY) large cat casually sauntering away from my porch.

“What ARE you?” I asked, like the cat could respond. He turned his head slowly to look at me and then continued on towards the woods. I swear I could read his big cat mind.

“You needed a cat. You called, I answered.” Said by a true rodent guard!

Indeed I did. Oddly enough, I was informed that in the 30-plus years that the owner had this property never had they laid eyes on a bobcat there. Did he get that dirty rat? Perhaps. Guess I’ll never know now.

I suppose nature has its ways. When there is no rain, critters come down from the woods and make their homes where they can and that is sometimes under or in your car. Engines are warm and cozy. If you don’t care to share your wheels, you can peppermint spray your tires and sonarize your car, or you can ask Santa to send a big cat to do the job.

To all a good night!

22

By Daria James

Making Christmas. La, la, la It is not the most wonderful time of the year. We have managed to eviscerate any meaningful gesture out of the so-called holidays. In olden days, the holidays were about enjoying each other’s company, spirituality, and sharing gifts we had no obligation to buy to impress people we do not really like. Nowadays, it is about sabotaging the companies who express any opinion some might disagree with and buying a new phone because yours is so six months ago. My phone is about to be three generations behind. I am ok with that.

Let’s play you know how I

know you are racist? When you talk about sabotaging a sports company who supports an African-American athlete who has been outspoken about police brutality. Saying things like, oh they benefit from slave work, they are hypocrites!! Yeah? Well, so is anyone who purchases any of the other many products not made in America. Do you think they have fare wages and union rights in those developing countries the company that made your smartphone has a manufacturing plant in? What I do know is they have installed those fun nets to stop workers from jumping off the building. No one cared about who made those running shoes until

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel in Monterey and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and the owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their holiday hospitality and humor.

they placed his picture with the new campaign.

Moreover, do you know how I know you are a fool? When you film yourself burning said shoes you already paid money for, while you are still in them! I would say you are a fool if you burn them in your dad’s fire pit while playing the national anthem, or just ripping the logo off your clothes.

We have managed to eviscerate any meaningful gesture out of the socalled holidays.

Certain media outlets are very polarized on both sides. Truth is somewhere in the middle. It is up to us to cancel out the noise to see the real issue is police brutality, not disrespecting flags, anthems and the troops. Inform yourself, and educate yourself. Racism will disguise itself in patriotism clothes, like the Big Bad Wolf in Little Red Ridinghood. We see the wolf in granny’s clothes. We know it is not granny. Little Red Riding Hood asked a bunch of questions accentuating the obvious and look what happened to her?! Had that been me, I would have been out of there like a hot knife goes through butter. Forget questions. Because not today, wolf!

Ironically, many of these professed patriots have not served in the military themselves. But

they have a family member who did or is currently serving. That is like, saying my cousin runs three miles every morning, so I know all about staying fit, meanwhile my beer belly has caused me to wear suspenders because a belt cannot hold my pants up anymore. See how silly that sounds? If you are getting mad at me, know that I am not mad at you for being wrong.

You should be mad at yourself.

This is not about me right now.

A salute to all: I am glad the year is almost over. It brings us to the halfway mark and hopefully in a few years, the madness will end. I would like to say we don’t need another hero, but we do!

Furthermore, I wish I was less concerned but I am not fully convinced America and its citizens have learned anything these past few years. Other than we have not changed that much from more oppressed times and taking progress for granted. Well, no. Our phones are smarter now.

Raise your glass of a favorite drink and let us toast, to a greater new year, may your hard work and dedication become fruitful and bring you joy. Be kind to one another, life is a lot richer with a healthy mixture. I am all about mixing the right kind of things: rum and ginger ale, cigars and wine, steak and wine, pizza and beer, bikes and nice weather… there is definitely a theme here.

Any who, cheers to you!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, he asked her the usual question, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed.

“Didn’t you get my text?”

23

1) What would you do if you saw Mommy kissing Santa?

2) What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?

3) What questions do you ask yourself every day?

4) When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you?

Bob#1 1) I think it would be good to see my Mom affectionate to Santa. She appreciates what he has done for our family and my Dad is kind of a whiner.

2) I think about rainbows. If you thought I would add puppies to the list you are wrong. They poop all over the pace and have no manners.

3) What’s for breakfast?

4) At 90, I want to be sure I have all my teeth. Eating will be more important than thinking.

Robert 1) I would tell my Dad who would beat his ass. Santa should not mess around with another man’s woman.

2) I go to my happy place by walking around the block.

Sometimes I walk for days.

3) I ask myself why my boss doesn’t give me more money.

4) Life at 90 should be about not worrying about anything. Just like life now.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Roberta 1) I would love to kiss Santa. He has a beautiful white beard and rosy cheeks that I would like to pinch.

2) When I was a little girl, my Mom would sing a cute little song that would cheer me up. It’s Baba O’Riley by the Who and we won’t get fooled again. My Mom rocked!

3) I don’t ask myself questions. I would be afraid I didn’t have the answer.

4) Planning my 91st birthday.

Bob#2 1) I’d rather see my Mom kiss Santa than catch my Dad with him.

2) I take Lexapro so I’m always happy.

3) I ask myself if I’m doing the right thing. If I don’t get yelled at too much at work, it’s a good day.

4) It would be important to finally quit my job by the time I’m 90.

Answers on page 24

24

Foolish Search

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 23

Flying out of Monterey for the Holidays, I needed to check in my luggage. “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Seattle, and my black suitcase to Denver.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year.”

Answers from page 20

25

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CONSIGNMENT buy

SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org

PacRep’s Neverland Benefit Shop 1219 D Forest, Ave Pacific Grove 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org

sell

Downtown Books & Sound 222 Main St. Oldtown Salinas 831.435.4636 downtownbooksandsound.com

Resale Here

Last Chance Mercantile MRWMD 14201 Del Monte Blvd.

Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org

Second Chance 105 Central Ave, Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 secondchancepg.org

Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org

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Through December 23

December 8-9

Mama Mia

Christmas on Main

Songs by ABBA. Bride with Daddy issues. Surprises and delights abound.

Pacrep.org

December 1

Native American Market The Holidays come to Spreckels.

Great gift ideas. Buy American

by Native Americans.

831.601.3051

Must see live entertainment at Compass Church. A spectacle with song, music and comedy compasschurchmc.org

December 6

An Irish Christmas

An award winning cast dances their way in to your heart. goldenstatetheatre.com

December 7

Winter Wonderland

Seaside City Hall is the place to be for ice skating, crafts, hay rides, petting zoo and Santa. ci.seaside.ca.us

December 1-9

December 7-8

Free to all locals.

Just show proof and you’re in.

Montereybayaquarium.org

Historical adobes decorated with welcoming candle lit luminarias at each entrance. Festive music and living historic portrayers. mshpa.org

Monterey Bay Aquarium

December 1-16

Christmas in the Adobes

December 14-16

Spector Dance

Holiday dance performances with special guests Hula Mana O’Mahina & the Marina Tribal Makers. spectordance.org

December 15

WC Songwriters Competition

A recreation of Bethlehem with a truly immersive experience.

Streetsofbethlehem.com

Legends of Rock n Roll

A celebration of local comics, graphic novels, zines, storytelling, gaming, pop culture and more. steinbeck.org

December 8

Dweezil Zappa

A family feud didn’t stop this talented guitarist from paying tribute to his Dad. He is the sound and the face of Zappa music. goldenstatetheatre.com

Ron Schneider

Funny guy with a unique blend of character and comedic acting. sanjose.improv.com

Dance in the aisles with “Best Of” musical concert of over 40 hit songs. pacrep.org

Salinas Valley Comic Con

Streets of Bethlehem

December 28-29

December 29

December 15-16

December 5-6

Merry Christmas

A gathering of likeminded people.

Come see. Come hear. Come with your songs or spoken word and be. westcoastsongwritters.org

Christmas on the Wharf

Visit the historical wharf for three weekends of caroling, treats and Santa and his elves. www.montereywharf.com

December 25

December 21

Winter Solstice

The shortest day or the longest night of the year.

December 31

First Night Monterey

Countdown to 2019.

Family friendly performances, dance, and art in downtown Monterey firstnightmonterey.org

January 1

Happy New Year Welcome in 2019

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To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

December Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

2018

Downtown Monterey Holiday Events

Wednesday

Thursday NOVEMBER

11/21/2018 - 1/6/2019 Custom House Plaza 2

Gingerbread House

Extravaganza

(Kid Friendly)

3

Hanukkah Began December 2!

9:30 AM

MYMuseum.org

Brighten the Harbor Lighted Boat Parade

4

Farmers Market & Holiday Faire 4-7 PM

5:30 PM mpyc.org

TubaChristmas Monterey 1 PM

9

at Monterey

10

Pick up Holiday Treats

11 Farmers

Market & Holiday Faire 4-7 PM

at Downtown Bakeries

at Portola Hotel and Spa

HospiceGiving.org

16

17

Only one week left to shop!

MYMuseum.org

Last 2018

Farmers Market & Holiday Faire

4-7 PM

30

Christmas Tree Lighting on Colton Hall Lawn 5 - 6 PM FREE OldMonterey.org

7

1 Santa & Reindeer Noon - 4 PM FREE OldMonterey.org

Monterey Museum of Art Family Day

FREE MontereyArt.org

8

Come downtown and see a movie at the

35th Annual Christmas in the Adobes December 7 - 8 mshpa.org GoldenStateTheatre.com

12

Enjoy a FREE self-guided tour of Historic Old Monterey

An Irish Christmas 8 PM

13

From Coffee-to-Cocktails:

19

Jake Shimabukuro 8 PM

14

Dweezil Zappa 8 PM

15 MIIS Winter Commencement

Take a break in Old Monterey

Tower of Power

50th Anniversary Tour

8 PM

Call (831) 649-2907 for a map! parks.ca.gov

18

Saturday

29

(Ages 21+) 7:30 PM

6

OsioTheater.com

Conference Center Facebook.com/ TubaChristmasMonterey

Tree of Life Ceremony Monterey 5 PM

5

Friday

Gingerbread House Extravaganza

MontereyWharf.com

IceSkatingByTheBay.com

Post me on your fridge!

miis.edu

Holiday Carolers Singing & Strolling through the downtown each Saturday

GoldenStateTheatre.com

20

21

Don’t forget to buy your First Night Buttons!

22

Winter Begins

Ride the Free MST Trolley on Weekends to and from the Downtown!

FirstNightMonterey.org

23

24 Christmas Eve

Enjoy lunch downtown with a member of the military home for the holidays!

30

25

Merry Christmas!

Noon Year’s Eve

MYMuseum.org

NO Farmers Market

First Night Monterey

FirstNightMonterey.org

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26

Happy Kwanzaa!

27

28

Two Hours Free Parking

29 In the Downtown West Garage

November 23 - December 26

Visit us online!

OldMonterey.org

for more information and our Downtown Dining Guide

371 Tyler St