December 2016
DAD: Our child is spoiled MOM: All children smell that way
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December 2016
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December 2016
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S. Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks This year is rapidly coming to a close and I for one, and more than glad to see it go. What usually comes after that statement is a list of bad things that happened that won’t be repeated in the coming year. For those of you who are regular readers of the foolish things I write, you should know that will not be the case. My world is full of rainbows and laughter. 2017 will bring less caffeine and more gluten to my life. Coffee has kept me awake for way too many hours each day and causes me to feel scattered. Gluten is the super glue in food that will bind my life and keep me together. 2016 was a good year. We have a new “cool kids” office on Hartnell Street, reestablished our website and have great social media partners; please like up on Facebook! Our contributors continued to make you laugh out loud in public or behind the closed door of your bathroom. We went from having a foolish baby to a foolish toddler in our List of Fools and Mama Morgan is going to have a new sheep skin to proudly display on her wall. It was great to hear from so many of our readers and we are very sorry for taking Blonde Jokes away from you for three months. We promise not to do that again!
As we enter the Holiday Season I am amazed at the number of purchases people are making. Spending money is a great way to keep our economy chugging along. This year’s gifts are tomorrows Thrift Store items. On the other hand, there are lots of things money can’t buy although none of those things are on my list this year. When we meet and talk to people in comedy, they usually tell us that making people laugh is the greatest gift they can offer; some would do it for free because that’s the way they are built. Foolish Times will continue to thrive and be found all over Monterey County for you to pick up for free. You can also find us through your mobile device and several places on this new thing called the internet. Take time to share the joy of this Holiday Season and may the New Year bring you closer to the things that are important…gluten and laughter.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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www.foolishtimes.net father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. “Now do you understand?” he asked. “I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to work for us?”
Black and White
The Line-up
I’d Love to Be Six Again
Four-Letter Words
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
In heaven there were two lines. One said, “Men who were bossed by their wives,” and the other one said,” Men who weren’t bossed by their wives”. There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line. The man replied,” My wife told me to.”
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. The wife said, “You idiot, I meant my dress size!” The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone. “But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?” “I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset. Tell mother what four-letter words he used.” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
My wife, a phlebotomist at a local hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on the nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” “That’s true,” he said. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” The golf course was probably playing slow that week.
Explaining Marriage The child was a typical fouryear-old girl — cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her
Here’s to another year pretending that I like you people.
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December 2016
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS
ITALIAN
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
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PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, takeout and delivery. Lunch buffet daily. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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December 2016
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: On the back she saw “911” and thought it was a Porsche. Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr. Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier..........
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Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree? A: The Branch Manager.
Q: What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 Bus? A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
Q: Why do blondes love lightning? A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.
Q: Why do ya reckon blondes don’t have elevator jobs? A: Cuz they’ve no idea of the route.
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make ice-cubes? A: She couldn’t find the recipe.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? A: You shine a torchlight in her ear. Q: Did you hear about the blonde bear? A: Got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off its two paws and one leg, and was still stuck.
Q: What do you call two blondes in a pool? A: Air bubbles.
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Q: What do you call three blondes standing in a row? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why did the blond right tgif on her shoes? A: To remind her toes go in first.
Q: How do you measure their intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if we didn’t have regrets.
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December 2016
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram What truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming ...Or find the proper tool like a canopener, it can be an eye opener. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull *Bull Artist! Your gift to gab is fulgent, a blurting bulge of information. An an-gel gives you good warning that your chops need reforming. Take heed and you won’t need to recant, let alone recall what you have declared. At least you have one angle here you can change ... It’s your Long Johns. *Boil them up! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Donde Esta La *Boomer? Looking for Santa with an itch to travel, to hitch a ride before you unravel! You may feel crazy blind about which direction to go because your mirror-like disposition makes it so. Asking questions of your other-half is as productive as selling sleigh insurance to SANTA. Feliz Navidad to the both of you’s! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab That tinsel is sinful when it glistens so upon your brow! Be it bangs, or be it a crown, those forces underneath are making you drown! Soften your hard surface to release what truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming ...Or find the proper tool like a can opener, it can be an eye-opener.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Cheery Cherry-Red and Coruscating are thee! Who you want to BE, is Mr. or Ms. SANTA C. Auntie Shame; alias PlasticElastic Queen is baaaack ... and will be riding your ass this holiday. Cover all furniture with her Xmas plastic sofa covers or you will be tempted to muletide kick her and pop all her baubles. Even with a Pinecone stuck in your paw, your sparkling virtuosity will prevail! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin A *Beefer in Hobo Terminology is a whiner named after the Squealing Pig Diner. Do you see where this is going? Trying to perfect all that surrounds you is against nature’s way. Be phosphorescent, a firefly in winter or lie dormant in a patch of snow and let the deep freeze cool thy knocking noggin. Christmas morning you will feel refreshed and in spring the sun will have melted all your woes away or toes frayed! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Your most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Yet today your bum ought to get off this lot, a final caveat to move your *bottle wagon off 42nd Street! Your blazing charm and poinsettias are apparently competing with Broadway. You fought so hard for this corner; look closely at this bouquet, a Pyrrhic victory is in this day!
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are scintillating when you gaze upon the innocence of stupid. You wish to sting and stomp and yet your stocking is full. Gratefulness or Greatfulness? You mustn’t *chuck a dummy, ordinary people count like the rest. Save the Turtle Dove’s nest from this winds chill. Yes, this is a test of the emergency broadcast ego-system. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Happy Honking Herpetic Birthday! Frank Sinatra was SAG. He aimed his restless spirit into song, look how long that dong went ding. You can train to do the Can-Can on top of the Polar Express. You choose the venture but leave the dentures. Go Get Blitzen! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat A mansion for a mailbox! To no surprise, a large unit with gables would entice your enormous practical side. I get it, no space to go to waste. The postal worker hurled a package along with your mail and heard a thump and then a scream. He is concerned that you may be injured and or may have paper cuts. In addition, this space is used by Santa’s secret Elves. It’s a hub! But they see you as a squatter. Practicality is useful; but it is time to Giddy-yap, Giddy-yap, and move back in the main house. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A rare luminescence sweeps Christmas twilight and simultaneously your
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By Bini unconventional good tidings are heralding a tune. Bear with though, in the distance, Suzy Snowflake is singing, “Come out ev’ryone and play, the ride’s on me.” Then she stumbles down onto someone’s frosty nose and cries. You thought you were an odd ball! You simply march to a different drummer. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes SKYFISH! You are no longer swimming in the fog! An auroral search light shines deep in your psyche and lights a way through a new portal. A temporary indecisiveness may riddle you when you have to choose door#1, door#2, or door#3. So Let’s Make a Deal. Push through every one of them, push! And you will win an invitation to the Ocean’s Eleven cast party and so much more, you’ll see. It’s a wonderful life! *Hobo terminology. Look it up.
What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad
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December 2016
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By Lily Brun
Holiday Spirits — What’s In Your Glass This is the season of holiday cheer. Words like jolly and merry and happy pepper our conversations, especially when we’re clinking glasses raised at toast time. No, not the kind that pops out of a toaster, but that festive ceremonial salute to each other that more often than not involves an alcoholic beverage. Did you know just about any plant can be used to make alcohol? Yep. Plants either contain sugar or they have starches or complex carbohydrates that can be converted into sugar. All you
have to do is add some yeast, let the fermentation games begin and, quicker than you can say moonshine, you have alcohol. Disclaimer: just so you know, making alcohol without a license is illegal (except for beer and wine for personal consumption) so I’m not advocating that practice. But you can get into the spirit of the season by knowing about what’s in that bottle you’re drinking from, which makes you a sterling conversationalist for your upcoming celebrations! You’ll be the belle, or beau, of the ball! So, in no particular order, here’s what may be in your glass this season:
MAKE ME If you see a fat man who’s jolly and cute, Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away, While flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let’s face it… your eggnog’s too strong!
INGREDIENTS
6 large eggs, separated 1 cup sugar 2 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream 1/2 cup bourbon (optional) Freshly grated nutmeg
DIRECTIONS 1. Warm the milk and cream over medium heat 2. Whisk the egg yolks and sugar in a separate bowl.
3. Add to warmed milk and continue whisking until thickened 4. Add optional bourbon 5. Top with nutmeg
Champagne — the real deal is made only with grapes grown in the Champagne region of France; everything else is an imposter known as sparkling wine. Leave it to the Benedictine Monks in the 1500s to figure out the fermentation and bottling process. Yes, Dom Perignon, a Benedictine brother who came along later, improved upon the wine making and vineyard management process which took this bubbly brew to new levels.
You can get into the spirit of the season by knowing about what’s in that bottle you’re drinking from, which makes you a sterling conversationalist. Vodka - its humble beginnings started with the Russians in the 14th century who made, what was at the time considered a medicinal brew, out of potatoes. If only the Irish had known. Today vodka is made from a wide-variety of plants such as from fermented grains, sorghum, corn, rice, rye or wheat. As the basis for the “shaken, not stirred” martini made famous by James Bond, this is now one of the world’s most popular spirits. Gin - the 1920s brought about bathtub gin, a not-so-great-
tasting homemade alcohol that came about in an effort to sidestep Prohibition. But that was a short-lived low point in gin’s history. Its distinctive taste comes from juniper berries added in the distillation process to the fermented mash of grains. Juniperus californica is found throughout the state — brings a whole new perspective to this prickly, drought-tolerant landscape shrub, doesn’t it. Bourbon whiskey - moonshine, sour mash, hooch, redeye all refer to this distinctively American, and more specifically the American south, alcohol and the basis for the more than 120,000 mint juleps served every year at the Kentucky Derby. It’s a good thing Iowa, Illinois and Nebraska are part of the Union since the genesis of this spirit is corn. So if you’re handed a Manhattan or Old Fashioned this holiday season be sure to say, “Thanks to y’all!” Apple cider - which can either be alcoholic depending on the fermentation process or not and sparkling or not is made from, you guessed it, apples. Johnny Appleseed is credited with introducing this bountiful tree to regions throughout the U.S., most of which ended up in a barrel as hard cider, the beverage of choice for most early settlers. It doesn’t take spirits to get into the holiday spirit — it does of course take chocolate, but that’s for another day — so when you raise your glass, whatever it’s filled with, with friends or family give a shout out to plants — we couldn’t live without them. Happy Holidays. Cin Cin. Skal. Salud.
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December 2016
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
A cigar is not just a cigar, Freud! I have always been anti-smoking and to this day, I cannot stand cigarette smoke, or those vaping hipsters with their fruity white clouds, is everything a freakin’ game nowadays?! Furthermore, I know I do not like to chew tobacco, I am still a lady. Nevertheless, I remain open-minded to new vices. It all depends what you qualify as vices. A few years ago, I was given a cigar for my birthday (I am loved like that). Teaching someone to properly light and smoke a cigar is much like holding the hands of your 10 month-old baby and taking him for a walk, you feed off seeing his face light up with joy as they take their little steps, you have created a bond. Honed memories. To quote Frank Sinatra: unforgettable, in every way. I was a bit hesitant at first any time I put new things in my mouth really; stage right enters tequila and a couple of shots later. It came naturally (not going to make a pun joke here. Let’s grow up). After two shots you are a
loser, after three you are a star. Genetic memory, perhaps. You are a bit awkward, clumsy and uncoordinated at first (like most first times, see what I did there?!) Our friend gave us the cigar indoctrination and we have not looked back, certainly, not with anger. Pretty sure that was close to joining some type of Fight Club, except I kept my shirt on.
Only a fine fire can give a cigar the honorable death it deserves Cigar smoking is not a nasty habit; after all, it is not Rock n’ Roll. Cigar smoking is an artful hobby, an ancient tradition that comes to life when you pay the cigar its due respect. Only a fine fire can give a cigar the honorable death it deserves, like a Samurai in the battlefield fulfilling his destiny. Fun Fact: Mulan is a Samurai. If you are thinking black and milds, or anything bought at a gas station, you are not a cigar aficionado. Don’t believe in what they say.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
And now, a Madonna-Voguelike plug to reinforce my point: Marlene Dietrich, Sigmund Freud, Hellboy, Demi Moore, Jack Nicholson, The Joker, Lucille Ball, Michael Jordan, Ron White, Cindy Crawford, Salma Hayek, Wolverine, JFK, Jay-Z, Arnold Schwarzenegger, they have style, they smoke cigars. Some resentful fellows might argue that aficionado is too grandiose of a term for cigar smoker. I do not want to elaborate any further, but I will yawn to that. Women are a minority in the cigar world (like in the real world, but with cigars); much like a “cat that behaves like a dog,” women who smoke cigars are venerated and coveted. A woman smoking a cigar is confident, and cannot bother with the disdain from her female cohorts or disapproving male opinions. Instead, she cunningly smiles knowing she is unconventional. Raise your glass while holding your cigar, girl!
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Whether she enjoys a cigar at a lounge wearing a casual outfit or dressed to the nines at a Black Tie party, she knows condemning eyes are on her. Great deal like the Honey Badger: She don’t care! Since I live on the East Coast now, I often recall cherished memories of some nights in Pebble Beach, sitting by a firepit, smoking a Cohiba while the Pacific Ocean’s breeze gently caresses my skin as I drink a glass of Porto next to my love. That is what cigars do; they help craft connections and preserve memories. Smoky writings on the wall of your hippocampus, you never forget your first, I know I have not. Then again, it is on my Instagram. Thank you for supporting and reading the Foolish Times and for making a stop on my column, may you enjoy the Holidays and best of all have a Happy New Year. Which reminds me, if you are going to be a new you, do not wait until January, and start meow!
Female reindeer retain their antlers till spring while their male counterparts shed in November. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should have known…only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.
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Christianity, Paganism and Christmas
by Rex Keyes
It’s amazing how Christianity and Paganism have joined together to form just about all the famous holidays we now have. Now, just take a look at Christmas. It was originally set on another day of the year but hardly anyone celebrated it. At the time, there was a huge pagan celebration around the end of December to celebrate the winter solstice, the long nights now becoming shorter, signifying the beginning of the end of winter. Well, the Christian powers that may, decided to move Christmas onto the pagan holidays in December in order to suppress it and promote Christ’s birth. So the final result we have
now is going to church, having Christmas trees, Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and exchanging presents. The Christmas tree’s popularity in the U.S. is the result of Prince Albert of Saxony, and the Montgomery Ward and Sears Catalogs. Prince Albert had a pine tree cut, put it in his castle then hung decorations and small toys all over it for his family at Christmas. A drawing of him with the tree appeared in several newspapers in the U.S. The management at Montgomery Wards’ thought that in order to sell toys, ornaments and gifts that it would be a great idea to
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
put pictures of this in its catalog. So they published a pine tree with many gifts hanging on it in the catalog all for sale and it was highly successful. The Montgomery Wards’ catalog was sent and known throughout the U.S. at the time. Sears and Roebuck not wanting to be left out in competition, published the same thing in its catalog the following year. Those two catalogs were seen, even in the remotest areas of the U.S., and that is how the Christmas tree became popular in the U.S. So when people complain about the commercialization of Christmas that is the pagan part of the season, the pagan part being with humanity throughout the ages. But, all in all, it is a great holiday season whether one goes for the pagan or the Christian part, or enjoys both. Now the information I have given you is from ancient texts and history
books, so if this information is not to your liking, as an old saying goes, “Don’t shoot the messenger.” Christmas decorations and sales seem to be going on earlier year after year. A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, decorations were up at some stores, advertising for gifts were already on TV and some channels had Christmas movies. Thanksgiving seems to have gone by the wayside. It used to be that the Christmas season started only after Thanksgiving. If it were not for getting candy and taking the kids out trick or treating I suppose that the Christmas season would start just before Halloween. Who knows! Give it another ten years and it may happen! Well, no matter how we got to where we are in celebrations, it is a great time for fun and joy and families and friends to get together. So have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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THE ANSWER IS…the arts!
The Arts Council of Monterey County was launched in 1982 to inspire, discover and promote the diverse range of artistic magic that blesses the region. That’s 35 years of cultural bliss strengthened by an organization that has left its imprint from San Ardo to Pajaro, supporting a range of artistic expression ranging from symphonic productions to schoolyard murals. Most folks who call Monterey County their home are aware of the inspiring influence of art. But they might not be aware that the collective group of artists — those involved in the “creative industries” — represents a considerable economic driver for the region. A survey conducted last year by Americans for the Arts found that about 870
businesses in the county are focused on the arts. Those businesses — plus those involved in art schools and services, publishing and design, museums, and visual and performing arts — employ more than 7,000 people according to additional research by ArtsMarket. The Arts Council has remained a key catalyst for greater growth and impact for our ever more vibrant community though a comprehensive strategy of grants, consulting, training and a range of special initiatives. Friends of the Arts Council will celebrate 35 years of service in grand style with the annual Champions of the Arts Gala at Monterey’s Portola Hotel & Spa on January 14.
Lavonne Chin, gala chair, promises “several surprises” during the evening, which last year drew 400 guests. In addition to being a major fundraiser for programs for arts education programs and services, the gala traditionally honors champions from throughout Monterey County. This year’s lifetime achievement award will be presented to Alan Silvestri, a renowned film composer from Carmel Valley. Also feted will be Melissa Chin Parker of Western Stage, South County Strings, Richard Bains, Xochitecpatl Victor Juarez, Peggy Carroll, and Don and Lois Mayol. And, certainly, representatives from the Arts Council will take time to reflect on their decades of progress. “In 35 years of research and experience, we have found over and over that the arts are the answer to overcoming our greatest challenges and making the most of every opportunity,” according to Paulette Lynch, executive director. The success of the council can be counted in thousands of ways. In recent years, the number of professional artists in Monterey County schools has increased 20 percent annually, and more than 6,000 students are being served. Partnerships are key. Over the years, the council has teamed with the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, the Monterey Bay Aquarium and the State Farm Youth Advisory Board to produce bilingual arts programs that integrate environmental science, inspire good stewardships and develop 21st century skills for the youth involved. As an advocate, the council has increased the number of music
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classes, teachers and supplies in the Monterey Peninsula Unified School District. And it recently initiated “Music for All Monterey County” a network of music educators and supporters devoted to expanding music education for all school children. Examples of the Arts Council’s influence are found throughout the county. In Pajaro, the council created a 2,400 square foot mural for the new Pajaro Park— led by CSUMB Visual and Public Art Professor, the renowned muralist Johanna Poethig. In Greenfield, the council was deeply involved in the launch of the cultural center and a recent mural project there. With the help of the Stuart Day Bequest, they provide teaching artist residencies in Monterey Peninsula schools and community centers each year. Just this year, Council board members, launched the Local Emerging Artists Program, providing grants and mentorships for individual artists. The Arts Council for Monterey County is dedicated to reaching everyone. Their new strategic plan reflects that commitment with a list of ambitious goals for the next three years: equitable access for all, high quality arts education programs in every school, and promotion of the region’s diverse artistic offerings for residents and visitors. The council also plans to further increase their reach and impact through art programs tailored for adult facilities, including day programs and group homes for seniors, veterans and others.
New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.
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December 2016
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Questionable Judgments
By Chuck Shepherd
Glaciers and Gender
Can’t Possibly Be True
University of Oregon professor Mark Carey produced a 10,300-word journal article in January proposing a new sensitivity to Earth’s melting icecaps: a “feminist glaciology framework” to “generate robust analysis of gender, power and epistemologies” with a goal of more “just and equitable” “human-ice interactions.” The jargonized, densely worded tract suggests that melting icecaps can be properly understood only with more input from female scientists since, somehow, research so far disproportionately emphasizes climate change’s impact on males. (The New York Post reported that the paper was funded by a National Science Foundation grant of $412,930.)
• A senior federal administrative law judge recently claimed (and then, for good measure, repeated and emphasized) that, in his experience, “3-year-olds and 4-year-olds” do not need the help of lawyers to advocate for them in immigration proceedings. Teaching those kids their rights, Judge Jack Weil said, “takes a lot of time” and “a lot of patience,” but there is no need for government to provide lawyers. (Weil, a U.S. Department of Justice employee, was contesting an American Civil Liberties Union claim at a recent deposition in an immigration case in Seattle.)
Chutzpah! Trying to put (as a critic charged) “lipstick on a pig,” Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder boasted in March that the lead-in-the-water crisis plaguing the city of Flint for months now had actually spurred job growth. Though Snyder has been heavily criticized for tightfisted budgeting that enabled the crisis, 81 temporary workers have been recently hired—to hand out bottled water so that residents would not have to hydrate themselves with poisoned municipal water.
• Homeless people frequently store their few possessions in commandeered shopping carts, but New Yorker Sonia Gonzalez, 60, became a legend recently on Manhattan’s West Side by maneuvering a stunning, blocklong assemblage of more than 20 carts’ worth of possessions along the sidewalks. Among the contents: an air conditioner, a laundry hamper, shower curtain rods, a wire shelving unit, wooden pallets, suitcases and, of course, bottles and cans. She moved along by pushing carts two or three at a time, a few feet at a time, blocking entrances to stores in the process. (The day after a New York Post story on Gonzalez’s caravan, Mayor DiBlasio ordered city workers to junk everything not essential, leaving her with about one cart’s worth.)
Mexico’s latest female accessorizing craze is shellacking tiny dead scorpions onto fingernails, using the secondmost venomous species of the arachnid, selling briskly at the Miss Unas parlor in Durango. In fact, while in town (according to a London Daily Mail dispatch from Durango), shoppers may check out the Raices restaurant, which pioneered tacos filled with still-wriggling scorpions (that had been soaked in surgical alcohol to neutralize the venom).
Latest Religious Messages • Power of Prayer: Businessman Induvalu Suresh cut off, and donated, the little finger of his left hand recently at the Hindu pilgrimage site Tirupati, India, as homage to the gods for the granting of bail to prominent India leaders Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi, who are charged with fraudulent business practices in a case heavily politically weighted. • In October, a regional court in Nizhegorodsky, Russia, decided that the Russian Orthodox Church could pay off part of a debt for its new boiler spiritually. According to an Associated Press dispatch from Moscow, the church can settle the remaining debt, equivalent to $6,585, to the boiler company by paying $2,525 in rubles and the remainder by prayer.
Awesome! • In a suburb of Newcastle, Australia, in February, workers using a crane extracted a 1-ton snake-like mass of sewage (mostly “wet wipes” unwisely flushed down toilets) from an underground pipe—with
the gummed-together sludge reaching a height of more than 20 feet when the crane finally yanked the whole thing up. Said a representative of the water company, “(Y)ou’ll flush the toilet, and the wet wipe will disappear,” and you think (wrongly) it’s therefore “flushable.” • Making Canada Great Again: Syrian refugees arriving at the airport in Vancouver, British Columbia, have been warmly greeted personally in a video by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, but in March some were inadvertently booked into the same hotel that was hosting the fifth annual VancouFur convention of “furries.” Anthropomorphic, full-suited tigers, dogs, bears, foxes, etc., roamed the hotel, leading London’s The Independent to report that the child refugees loved every minute, playing with the furries and posing for pictures.
Leading Economic Indicators The Cash Economy: China’s Peoples Daily reported in January that Mr. Cai Zhanjiang (described as “tuhao,” or “uncultured but still well-off”) had just purchased a new truck from a dealer by driving another truck to the showroom and unloading 100,000 renminbi (about $15,300 U.S.) entirely in small bills—a stash weighing about a half-ton. Shanghaiist.com also noted a story from June 2015 in which a man (likely also tuhao) bought a new vehicle with the equivalent of $104,670—almost all in coins. Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal UClick; 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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December 2016
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December 2016
Christmas Decisions By Debbie Harris Every year when I face the month of December, there are certain decisions I have to make with regard to Christmas. Decision 1: Should I listen to Christmas carols sung by Jewish people? Why do Neil Diamond, Barbra Streisand or Barry Manilow need to sing Gentiles’ yearly favorites? Do they feel left out? I don’t remember hearing Dolly Parton, Elvis or Bruce Springsteen singing the Dreidel song. Decision 2: Which traditional recipes can I use? The answer is none. Traditional recipes have
too much fat, sugar, gluten, salt and deliciousness to be included on your holiday table. Everyone at your meal has cholesterol problems, blood sugar issues, high blood pressure and/or a gluten allergy. Or maybe they’re vegetarian or vegan. I’ve thought about making a sugar-free, saltfree vinaigrette, pouring it over the clover that grows in my back yard, and inviting everyone to graze. There’s less clean up that way too. Decision 3: How much decorating should I do? I phrase that with a “should” because if I asked how much decorating
When we send our companion to pet heaven, should we include its Christmas stocking?
Now We Pronounce You…
WRONG!
Colonel ker-nul
Quinoa KEEN-wah
Anemone ah-NEM-oh-nee
Worcestershire WOOster-sher
Onomatopoeia on-o-mot-o-PEE-a
Isthmus is-muss
Mischievous MIS-chiv-us
Scissors sizzors
Otorhinolaryngologist oh-toh-rye-no-lar-ingGOL-uh-jeet
Draught draft
I want to do, the answer would be—none! Bah Humbug! But I usually pull out the boxes of decorations and select a few items to Christmas-up my house. Then the questions change—should I use the old big round, plain ornaments that I haven’t used in 10 years on my little fake tree? If not, should I finally get rid of them? Should I use my grown children’s child-made decorations, like the one with my 5-year-old son’s pouty face school picture glued to a construction paper poinsettia leaf? How many of the 25 cat ornaments I’ve collected over the years will fit on a onefoot tree?
Decision 4: What do you do with dead pets’ Christmas stockings? If the pet had a common name like Fluffy, Mittens, Prince or Buddy, the stocking might be reused, but what about stockings for Tigrita, Ellington, Tartar Sauce or Touché? What are the odds another owner who hangs pet Christmas stockings would have an animal with that name? Should dead pets’ stockings be left out like cookies and milk for Santa, so he can take them to the North Pole to be reused? When we send our companion to pet heaven, should we include its Christmas stocking?
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Decision 5: The most difficult decision for me each year is how can I wish happiness for the season to others without getting anyone mad at me? I’ve been known to swallow a greeting during a hug until I see where the hugee’s greeting goes. I like to say, “Happy Holidays” because it feels more inclusive and is shorter than saying “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,” but some folks feel that not saying “Merry Christmas” is passing over their religious custom in an insulting way (even though the term “Merry Christmas” didn’t arrive on the scene until the mid-1800s with Clemente C. Moore’s poem “A Visit From St. Nicolas,” and Christians did not celebrate Jesus’ birth until around that same time. Before that, Christmas had been mainly a secular holiday). I don’t care what greeting I get. I’m just glad to be wished some happiness or merriness, but I’m also a pacifist and I don’t want a tug of war over terminology, so I wait to get a wish before I do any wishing. So, I’m wishing you easy decision-making this holiday season and a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous Season, and any other greeting that will keep me from a lecture. Amen.
Best New Year’s Resolution: Start giving up giving up.
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December 2016
Human Relations and Degrees of Separation by Robyn Justo
By the time you read this, the States (in good conscience I can no longer call them United) will have a new President. I have never liked politics and I rarely engage in a conversation about it, but this recent and blatant demonstration of unconsciousness and the presentation of exaggerated, evilutionary, cartoon-archetypes for our choices left me cold and confused. Being a Libra, I have always had trouble with making choices. Whenever possible, I choose both if there are two good ones (things on a menu, pairs of shoes, etc.) In this case, I wanted to put a checkmark by the box that said “NONE OF THE ABOVE.” In sales there is a psychological technique of presenting two choices to a client (such as “Would you like to meet on Monday or Tuesday?”) so that he or she will automatically choose one of your options. I never used it in my career, nor did I fall for it when the shoe was on the other foot and I don’t, and we should not, appreciate it now.
This time it was between the red and the blue pill and I would have taken them both, cheeked them, and then spit them both out if I could have just for the effect or taken a pharmaceutical leave of absence. Bitter pills the both of them, bad hair days (or lifetime) for one of them. Anyone else please, the guy who fixed my flat tire, the Council of Twelve, anyone with an ounce of compassion and integrity. I was reading that Ms. Clinton was somehow related to Madonna (no idea how many degrees of separation were involved) so I got to thinking how ridiculous all of this really was. From what I could see and feel, Donald and Hillary might have been siblings from another lifetime who played in the same sandbox for years and then suddenly (and conveniently) brought out the worst in each other or possibly terminated one another in a coliseum. So was this a ploy or just a play into which we were unwittingly dragged? Following that tangent I wondered…should that happen
now, would the Vice-President elect take over? And why is the second in command called the VICE President when our two candidates are the ones with respective and disrespectful vices for days? Will Kaine take over for Unable?
And why is the second in command called the VICE President when our two candidates are the ones with respective and disrespectful vices for days? I currently live in the United States of Hawaii (because we are) and sometimes I feel safer here and more shielded from all of this nonsense. 2,500 miles of water (maybe it’s the electromagnetics) might be protecting us. There has been talk of secession and a little
www.foolishtimes.net mini-Brexit. Not so far-fetched anymore. But there is land beneath all of our islands and continents and we are all indeed connected in the grander scheme of things by a common thread in the tapestry of life, the ties that bind, apron strings, or sticky suspenders. Heck, we are all related to the Material Girl if we go back far enough. Maybe it’s just a matter of omnesia, of forgetting that we are all made of the same primordial stuff, siblings of the same human and universal family. After this, it is a little hard to believe and embarrassing to admit. No doubt that this was an illumination for us all. The process itself has to change, of which we need to be more a part and not just an audience member. Voting doesn’t count. If I had a real choice in the matter, I might teleport to Tibet for a while where there are no scary red-headed clowns and lots of mountains but no Hills, and the tweets come from beautiful birds and the air is clean, sweet, and breathable. As I write this tonight I have no idea what will happen, but I want to close my eyes, click my red heels, and go back to the Golden Rule and the three r’s of responsibility, respect, and reality (and not the TV kind.) There really is no place like OM.
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December 2016
on the
FOOL
CURB
1. How does Santa get around the world in one night? 2. What are your pet peeves about the Holidays? 3. Who would you call for bail money? Stacey
1. A hope and a prayer. 2. Rude people. A lot of people too close together. Traffic. 3. I wouldn’t because I don’t get in trouble. I just don’t get caught.
We Wish You a Happy & Safe Holiday Season – Tony and Staff
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Nuch
1. At night the world is beautiful, so lucky to be in the world! 2. I love the holidays. It’s exciting. 3. I would call my husband. He would come get me; he is very kind, never mad.
Monja
1. On his sled. He has cookies and mike. That’s his special thing. 2. When people get crazy and rude. 3. My sisters. All of my sisters. Twin sisters and my older sister.
Sarita
1. He turns back time. 2. People rush them. Let me enjoy Christmas until January 16th and then I’m fine. 3. My best friend. I can’t call my husband, I’d get in trouble.
Elf
1. Santa is all that is magic. That’s all you have to know. 2. I work my pointed ears off only to be let go in January. 3. Mrs. Claus, she is the real boss.
Winter Weather Words Answers on pg 24
Hoarfrost Glaze Ice Hard Rime Thunder Snow Firn Albedo Gloriole Parhelia Glacier Melting Barometer Flurries Polar Whiteout Tundra Numb Icy
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December 2016
The Quality Of Our Hippies Is Diminishing In America
by Roger Freed I am writing this out of concern for the quality of hippies we have here in America at the moment. The other day I overheard a small group of alternative types in a natural food store discussing how they were going to fly around the U.S. this summer. Since when, I do ask, do hippies FLY other than when they have scored some particularly good dope? REAL hippies hitchhike or ride bikes or drive around in old VW vans that have seen more engine changes than Joan Collins has seen face lifts. A couple of days later I heard a similar discussion in a local coffeehouse amongst a young group of gypsies talking about their plans to storm Europe by air (of course Europe would be too far to swim, but with the right drugs who knows what is possible?).
I’m very distressed by what these seemingly moneyed bohemians are doing to ruin the very image of hippiedom. I’m very distressed by what these seemingly moneyed bohemians are doing to ruin the very image of hippiedom. Any real hippie worth his weight in sandalwood incense wouldn’t be caught sober indulging in such affluence (stoned-then maybe). Whatever happened to the REAL hippies of the 60s and
70s- the long haired, Salvation Army shirted, patchouli reeking, unshaven arm-pitted, draft-card burning, black light illuminated, Food Stamp using, Grateful Dead loving hippies of yesteryear, the kind that made this country great? Just the other day I saw a hippie with a credit card. A CREDIT CARD FOR GAWD’S SAKE!!!!!!!! Oh, the shame of it!! Jerry Garcia would be rolling over in his grave if he hadn’t of been so fat. I say it’s time for America to invest in a little of its most treasured recent history. We need to recognize them as cultural icons. We need to recognize their contributions to our society, excluding of course the sexually transmitted diseases. And most importantly we need to find a way to make some money using them. We could make a social program by which we transport some REAL hippies from Berkeley, Boulder, Berlin or wherever to our major tourist areas to show those visiting our shores. They could camp out in teepees next to rivers and beg for change on major intersections. It could add some local color to the areas, especially if they know how to tyedye. And think of all the karmafree revenue the areas would make from all the head shops that would pop up. Is this a good idea or am I just high again and imagining it all?
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December 2016
T h e R x- F i l e s
By Ted Gargiulo
Suffering from election-year hangover? Campaign hype and overkill got you down? Tired of the posturing, the evasions, the half-truths and the political doublespeak that pass for news night after night? Wish you had some hard scientific data—a clinical scoresheet, if you will— with which to evaluate the elusive, biological entities running our nation? You’re not alone. Never has transparency in government been as hot an issue as it is right now. The clamor for truth has gone viral. Already, our collective obsession with knowing everything about everybody has all but dominated the media. If trends continue, nothing will be hidden from public scrutiny. Eventually, the medical records of every elected official, candidate and political wannabe will be posted on the internet and discussed on all the major news programs and social networks. Schools of self-styled “psycho-political physiologists” will analyze these disclosures to better understand the forces that make these creatures tick. How might such factors as blood sugar, heart rate or serotonin levels affect one’s leadership? Should a pre-diabetic, three-pack-a-day smoker with adrenal insufficiency, a body-mass index above 410 and a family history of stroke, run for President? One day, the biological cycles and mood swings of every Washington bigwig will be documented in The Snoop’s Almanac, along with a list of “best guess” days on which certain persons should (or should NOT) be approached. Boob-Tubers will be regaled with increasingly invasive news
specials, as competing networks dig ever deeper to deliver the dirt. For starters: an up-close, in-your-face account of a certain congressman’s colonoscopy, replete with graphic testimonies from attending physicians and radiologists! What did the surgeons find? What did they remove? What secrets did the congressman mutter under
Should a prediabetic, threepack-a-day smoker with adrenal insufficiency, a body-mass index above 410 and a family history of stroke, run for President? anesthesia? Watch an exclusive interview with the orderly who emptied the dude’s bed pan! With the 300 pound nurse who held him down when he became violent! Next, meet the Missouri housewife who shared a hospital room with Sen. Babs Fullerbunk [actual name withheld]. Marvel as she reveals their intimate conversations. How does the senator really feel about the major issues? Her political rivals? The President? Find out what the senator’s nervous breakdown cost the taxpayers. Hear chilling eyewitness accounts of the night Babs attacked her roommate with a tongue depressor, then threatened to pull out her IV if she
didn’t vote for her in November! Don’t be surprised if, between now and the next major election, there’s talk of placing medications on the general ballot, as a way of giving voters greater power over the people they put in power. Sound like a winner? Why not add magic potions to the list! Specifically: • Mind altering preparations that would render key decision makers more sensitive to the people they represent, more compassionate, easier to persuade; • Sedatives to reign them in when they crack; • Serums that force them to tell the truth; • Elixirs to induce guilt when all else fails.
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Given our penchant for contention, I expect the above proposal will spark furious national debate. Every pundit, crank and buttinsky in the land will be weighing in on, “What’s best for the people?…for the nation?…for our CHILDREN?” And, “Who has the right to decide such things?” The poop is out there. Let’s spread it around! VOTE YES ON “RX.” I’m Ted Gargiulo, and I approve this message.
The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
Gratitude A grain of sand Warmed by the sun Expresses praise Reflecting light
Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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December 2016
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Greeter of the Human Race ….continued
By Laura “LA” Sottile
Palace of Spare Parts I’ve stopped gathering labor saving devices and I’m having withdrawals. I‘m tolerating the fact that I donated all my labor saving devices to the Palace of Spare Parts. A place where nothing happens unless you donate or need a spare part. I feel lighter. A feather falling from a molting Eagle, or realistically a Down feather that has poked it’s way out of a fusty pillow. I know my natural excitement and curiosity will return! (Hopefully, sooner than 4 years.) I’m changing gears and directing my creative energy away from my least effort imperative, but there lies a gap. I’m not talking about
the one between my rump cheeks from sitting far too long switching on and off my appliances, but rather the gap between applianceless-ness and JOY. I shall now stare into space…Is shopping more pleasurable than staring into space? Or are they synonymous? I must take a closer look inside the GAP! I’m leaning in, looking, looking inside the Gap. I must lean over the GAP railing. I’m leaning over some more, a little further, whoosh! F-A-L-L-I-N-G through a donut hooooooole!…OUCH! My rumpus just saved me from too much bumpus!! My grandmother always said to me that its good to have a little more meat on your bones for
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situations like these. I’ve landed under a palm tree on what feels like turf and surrounded by dinosaur eggs that look a lot like coconuts. I shall have to climb up this tree to see where I am! Oh! Hello…Cookoo, Cookoo, Hello Bird, CooKoo, Cookoo! This is far more intriguing than shopping. Not missing that empty nest nagging feeling of trying to connect with an object and unconsciously waiting for it to prop you up inside a bubble of an American dream. AH! I think I see a castle and a mote! I shall have to climb down and meet the castle people! HELLO, HELLO! I’m greeted by an electric blue ROBOT who has a sad lower face and a happy upper face and a snow white dog named RUFUS. Robot blue wraps a pink smock around me and chop-chop Fairy dust is sprinkled all over me. It better be fairy dust and not a substance that could later arrest my reproductive organs. Robot Blue gingerly scoops me into his/ her arms, she’s warm! Plunks me into the palace of SPARE PARTS… PALACE OF SPARE PARTS!?! I was just here donating my labor saving devices! Oh, you always have to go back to where you left yourself behind! I told Blue I would stay if he would consider letting his lower face meet his upper face. “Where?” asked Blue, I said, your nose knows. I stayed for hours and hours and hours and played many, many games. Abruptly, I was handed a trump card. A terrific anxiety coated me like a plague, so I quickly dumped it in the tidy bowl so no spare parts could be left behind.
Is this an amazing workshop of elves? No, its people! Humanoids swapping different parts with other different parts and creating new ways and innovating new rules! A gorgeous array of colors is radiating from this integration, a resplendent prism! Making good use of everything and doing it for the sake of doing it! I even saw my old labor saving devices waving good-bye to their own limitations. This is it! A perfume suddenly, a fragrant freshness wafted the air. A bigeyed Girl flounced over and whispered to me, “com petere.” I learned that to compete in Latin translates to seek together, to agree! I gave her a big hug and her eyes got even bigger! Suddenly I realized I still didn’t know where I was and even more curious about how would I get back? Big Soulful eyes assured me that Liberty will not be half buried under a pile of salt on Fort Ord Beach. I hugged her again… yes her eyes got bigger. She turned me around and nudged me into a haze and WOOSH! I was up and whisked over acres and acres of turf. I flew over the cuckoo’s nest. I felt reconciled to the fact that there is nothing in this world entirely positive. Everything has the tendency to get out of hand like the law of supply and demand. Going cold turkey on “not getting enough of what you really don’t want” is not as easy as turning a switch, or flicking a like, or defriending a friend or an all neat and tidy delete. It is a challenge of self-discovery you can’t beat! Even better than a parker-lusseau treat! (close though). Curiosity is the meat that lies in the GAP between YOU and ME. LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com
www.foolishtimes.net
December 2016
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Just the Beginning By Rosie Sorenson
Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school? A. The Elfabet. Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden? A.Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: What do Santa’s elves drive? A: Minivans. Q: What do Santa’s elves drink? A: Minnesoda. Q: What is Claustrophobia? A: The fear of Santa Claus. Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat? A: Snowflakes. Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve? A: Sandy Claws. Q: Where does the snowman hide his money? A: In the snow bank. Q: What type of cars do elves drive? A: Toy-otas. Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? A: It needed to be trimmed.
They say that bad news comes in threes. Sandwiched between the schizophrenic election season and Halloween (during which razor blades often end up in the candy), we’re reaping the harvest of seeds sown by Mark Zuckerberg and his “Move-Fast-and-Break-Things” crowd, those worshippers of the Internet of Things (IOT). Experts predict that the internet outage recently experienced on the Eastern seaboard by Paypal, Netflix, the New York Times and others was just the beginning, a practice run, if you will, for hackers intent on loosening the training wheels to derail us all. You can thank the Internet of Things for this Armageddonin-the-making. Baby monitors! Smart TV’s! Coffee pots and other internet-connected devices, all of which are lying in wait to whoop our gullible asses. Think of it—the smart coffee pot that remembers your schedule and knows at what time you’ll need your jolt of caffeine; the pink plastic thingie that allows you to monitor your little one while you’re at work; the TV you can beseech to find and broadcast the latest Star Wars movie—all have the power to bring the world to its knees. Our devices of convenience are twirling around to bite us in our collective butts faster than you can say, “Please don’t hurt me.” According to Jeremiah Grossman, Chief of Security Strategy at Sentinel One, a computer security company, the hackers stole passwords from hundreds of thousands of these devices, mini-computers, really, and harnessed their power to
create the ISIS of the web to launch a mass attack against the Dyn corporation. Dyn operates the central servers for internet traffic, and when DYN goes down, so goes much of the internet. You want to watch a movie on Netflix? Sorry. You want to buy that lacy blouse with PayPal? Uh, no can do. You’re dying to read the latest online editorials at the New York Times? Too bad, sucker. There’s always someone around to spoil the party. No internet? No economy. No nothing. Silicon Valley prides itself on “disruption.” Yes, well, now you have it. How’s that working out for ya? And this is just the beginning. What would happen if driverless
cars (which are hooked up to the internet) were hacked? Oh, lordy, you think we have traffic jams now? And how many people could freeze to death this winter if their Nest thermostats were hacked? Word has it that even Dick Cheney’s doctors are worried, so much so that they’ve disconnected his pacemaker from the internet, because, well, who wouldn’t want to disrupt that old war criminal? Anyway, I say it’s time to dust off ye olde typewriter, unearth the vintage stationery, lick the stamps and stroll to the nearest post office. Before it gets hacked, that is.
SeasideAutoDealers.com
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December 2016
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Foolish Search
NEW ENGLAND HOME
Answers
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION
HANDYMAN
Freedom Medical Transportation
Bob
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
SCREENS Real Screens
Affordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
MUSIC
AUTOMOTIVE
DJ Vossenova
Hans Auto Repair
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com
Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
AUTO DETAIL We make your car look new. Waterless detail inside & out. At your office or home. By appt. 7 days a week. Holiday specials, ask us. 831.383.2993
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
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KNOCK OFF it
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Alaska. Alaska who? Alaska Santa for a new bike! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Alex. Alex who? Knock, knock! Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita lift, Rudolph. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery merry Christmas to you! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Canya. Canya who? Canya please get me a Christmas cookie? Knock, knock! Who’s there? Claus. Claus who? Claus I can’t wait any longer! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.
Knock, knock! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Who’s there? Donut. Ho, Ho, Ho. Donut who? Ho, Ho, Ho who? Donut open until Christmas. Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas to you! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Knock, knock! Elf. Who’s there? Elf who? Holly. Elf I knock again will you let me Holly who? in? Holly – days are here again! Knock, knock! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Who’s there? Eyewash. Honda. Eyewash who? Honda who? Eyewash you a Merry Christmas. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Gladis. Gladis who? Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas!
December 2016
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Hosanna. Hosanna who? How’s sanna claus gonna get down our chimney? We have central heating and no chimney! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas! Submitted by: Liam Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana wish you a Merry Christmas.
Foolish Resolutions for 2017
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Hanna. Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Harold. Harold who? Hark the Harold Angels Sing! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ho Ho. Ho Ho who? Your Santa impression needs a little work!
• I will not spend New Year’s Eve trying to figure out where to spent New Year’s Eve • I will have a fat bank account and a thin waist • I will make better bad decisions • I will stop taking my cell phone with me to the bathroom • I will turn off auto correct on my phone • I will re-gift all the gifted coffee mugs I received
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• I will check my Fitbit more than my Facebook account • I will do less laundry and wear more deodorant • I will stop asking Siri dumb questions • I will lose enough weight so my gut doesn’t giggle when I brush my teeth • I will stop making resolutions that goes in one year and out the other
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December 2016
December 2
Tree Lighting
Celebrate the lighting of Monterey’s community tree at Colton Hall. Carols, candles, cookies and cider make for good cheer this year. www.oldmonterey.org
www.foolishtimes.net
December 7
December 16-18
Meet the author
Salinas Valley Comic Con
Susan Shillinglaw will be signing her books “A Journey into Steinbeck’s California” and “Carol and John Steinbeck: Portrait of a Marriage” www.svtvb.org
December 9-10 December 3
Santa’s Reindeer
December 7-10
Streets of Bethlehem
Come see two of Santa’s reindeer at the entrance to Golden State Theater on loan from the North Pole. www.oldmonterey.org
25th annual re-creation of living enactments of the tiny village where Christmas was started and comes to life in Salinas. streetsofbethlehem.com
December 3
December 9
Native American Market
Carmel by the Glass
Spreckels is the location for this 13th annual shopping experience offering unique gift ideas, great food & culture. Info: 831.601.3051
The fifth annual winter party featuring all 14 tasting rooms in Carmel. carmelbytheglass.com
Comic book lovers unite! Multiple sessions and displays include presentations by leaders in the genre and more than 30 vendors. www.steinbeck.org
Christmas in the Adobes
Stroll through the streets of Historic Downtown Monterey and visit more than 25 properties. Music, refreshments, games and history. www.mshpa.org
December 10-11
Christmas on Main
Featuring Aaron Encinas from The Voice, comic sensations “3 Wise Guys,” an artistic acrobat team and of course… Santa. compasschurchmc.org.
December 25
Merry Christmas December 26
Boxing Day
A European tradition of giving gifts to servants and tradesmen. Also a day of giving money to those in need.
December 9
Lewis Black
December 3-11
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Free community week with proof of residence. Come see the fish we named… “Dinner” “Sushi” and “Ceviche.” Montereybayaquarium.org
The king of rant is back using his trademark style of comedic yelling and animated finger-pointing to skewer anything and anyone that gets under his skin. goldenstatetheatre.com
December 31 December 11
Tuba Christmas
Over 50 tubas blast out toetapping, finger-snapping, and soul-stirring sing-along concert of your favorite holiday carols. goldenstatetheater.com
First Night Monterey
A community celebration of the arts in downtown Monterey. Family friendly activities start early and end late. Firstnightmonterey.com
December 2016
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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
27
Sunday
December Monday
Tuesday
November 25 - December 26 4
5
Tree of Life Ceremony Monterey
5 PM
HospiceGiving.org
Gingerbread House
Located in the Custom House Plaza IceSkatingBytheBay.com 7
Farmers Market 4-7 PM
Extravaganza
Brighten the Harbor (Kid Friendly) Lighted Boat Parade 9:30 AM MYMuseum.org mpyc.org
11
TubaChristmas Monterey 1 PM
12 From Coffee-to-Cocktails:
Take a break in
Old Monterey
Wednesday
13
2
Christmas Tree Lighting on Colton Hall Lawn
Gingerbread House Extravaganza
(Ages 21+) 7:30 PM MYMuseum.org
FREE
8
9
Farmers Market 4-7 PM
15
John Prine 8 PM
Golden State Theatre Facebook.com/ TubaChristmasMonterey
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Last 2016
Only one week left to shop!
Lewis Black 8 PM
GoldenStateTheatre.com
Farmers Market
4-7 PM
Winter Begins
Santa’s Live Reindeer
Noon - 4 PM FREE
OldMonterey.org
Shimabukuru 8 PM
GoldenStateTheatre.com
10 Merry Carolers Victorian Singers stroll through the downtown each Saturday
Christmas in the Adobes December 9 - 10 mshpa.org 16
GoldenStateTheatre.com 19
3
Jake
OldMonterey.org
Johnny Lang 8 PM
with Ramblin Jack Elliott
Saturday
5 - 6 PM
Enjoy a FREE self-guided tour of Historic Old Monterey
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Post me on your fridge!
Friday
Call (831) 649-7118 for a map!
at the
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Thursday
11/19/2016-1/8/2017
6
December 4
2016 1
TWO HOURS FREE PARKING Downtown in the West Garage
Downtown Monterey Holiday Events
22
Don’t forget to buy your First Night Buttons!
Pick up Holiday Treats
at Downtown Bakeries
23
Hanukkah Begins Tomorrow
17
MIIS Winter Commencement miis.edu 24
Christmas Eve
FirstNightMonterey.org
25
Merry Christmas!
26
Happy Kwanzaa!
27
28
NO
Farmers Market
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Visit us online!
OldMonterey.org
for more information and our
Downtown Dining Guide
31
Noon Year’s Eve
MYMuseum.org
First Night Monterey
FirstNightMonterey.org