Foolish time may 2014 small

May 2014

New Feature: News of the Weird

by Chuck Shepherd Turn the page Âť

Pets

replacing kids since 1993

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May 2014

www.foolishtimes.net Chuck Shepherd’s

By Chuck Shepherd From the Week of January 20, 2013

Leading Economic Indicators Another “Airline-Pricing” Model: The Jiangdu District kindergarten recognizes that providing a quality education requires supporting the child emotionally as well as helping develop reading and other skills, and toward that end, it now requires teachers to hug each pupil twice a day -- provided that the parent has paid the monthly “hugging fee” of the equivalent of about $12.80. An education agency investigation is under way, according to a December Shanghai Daily report, but one teacher defended the trial program as boosting a child’s confidence and establishing a “good mood” for learning.

Science on the Cutting Edge Behold, the McGyver Spider: Biologist Phil Torres, working from the Tambopata national park in Peru, revealed in December that he had witnessed a tiny Cyclosa spider construct a replica of an eight-legged spider in a web made of leaves, debris and dead insects. Since the real spider was found nearby, Torres hypothesized that the wily arachnid had built a decoy to confuse predators.

Artist Maria Fernanda Cardoso, already known for her “circus” of performing fleas at Australia’s Sydney Festival 10 years ago, has since become a legitimate academic expert on the sex organs of fleas

and other insects. She debuted the Museum of Copulatory Organs last year near Sydney, teaching visitors such esoterica as: In many insect species, females are promiscuous; snails are hermaphrodites in which one shoots sperm “darts” that form rigid chastity-belt-like blockages on his mate; and a male flea copulates for eight hours straight (but only mates three times in his life).

Perspective First-World Crisis (I): Tufts University opened America’s first animal obesity clinic at its veterinary hospital in North Grafton, Mass., in September, to supply nutrition information and to help owners develop weight-loss regimens for their pets. Without treatment, veterinarians told the Tufts Daily newspaper, pet obesity can lead to pancreatitis, joint disorders and skin disease. One of its first clients was a golden retriever (a breed known for its desire to run but also known for its adaptability to non-running lifestyles), who now requires $90 prescription dog food -- though the owner reports that his best friend has lost eight pounds and is thus almost halfway to his goal of 87.

First-World Crisis (II): Researchers writing in the December issue of the journal Urology reported a “five-fold increase” over 10 years in emergency room visits for accidents caused by pubic-hair “grooming.”

Unsurprisingly, 83 percent of all injuries appeared to be shaving accidents, but only 56 percent of the patients were women, according to a summary of the research on MedicalXPress.com.

Jails Need Locks Too? “Fulton Jail Will Get Working Cell Locks,” read the Dec. 19 Atlanta Journal-Constitution headline.

The county commission serving Atlanta had finally voted to break a longstanding 3-3 tie that prevented buying new jailhouse locks -- even while knowing that inmates could jimmy the old ones at will and roam the facilities, threatening and assaulting suspects and guards. The three recalcitrant commissioners were being spiteful because a federal judge had ordered various improvements to the jail, costing $140 million so far, and the three vowed to spend no more. The 1,300 replacement locks will cost about $5 million -- but will not be installed right away.

The Entrepreneurial Spirit!

The Chinese fashion designer “Ms. Lv” told China Newsweek in November that her sales had “quintupled” since she began using her 72-year-old grandfather to model her clothing styles for girls. “(It’s) helping my granddaughter,” Liu Xianping said. “I’m very old,” he said, and “I have nothing to lose.”

Challenging Business Plans: (1) British “medical illustrator” Emily Evans recently created eight pricy, bone china dinner plates emblazoned with the microscope images of tissue slides of the human liver, thyroid, esophagus and testicles ($60 per plate, $200 for a set of four). (2) In October, a shop in London’s St. Bart’s Pathology Museum ran a special sale of cupcakes as part

This month we debut News of the Weird, the brainchild of Chuck Shepherd who has set the bar in reporting the bizarre and the ridiculous for the last 21 years. Our funny bones are just so tickled to have Chuck on board!

We can hear you laughing already. of a sexually transmitted disease awareness campaign. Each pastry’s icing was crafted to resemble the lesions, boils and warts of gonorrhea and other maladies.

Leading a “jerky renaissance” is Krave, a Sonoma, Calif., company creating nontraditional flavors such as turkey jerky and jerky flavored with basil citrus or lemon garlic.

Actually, Krave points out, jerky is rich in protein, with low calories and fat (but with, admittedly, sky-high sodium) and could be reasonably pitched as a healthy snack. However, jerky’s main obstacle (a Krave competitor’s CEO told The Wall Street Journal in September) is “jerky shame,” in which some male consumers remain mortified that their girlfriends might see them enjoying the snack.

Awe-Inspiring Animals A team of French researchers writing recently in the journal PLOS ONE described a species of European catfish, growing to a length of five feet, that feeds itself pigeons by lunging out of the water (“cat”-like) and snatching them, even if the leap carries it to shore. Like Argentinian killer whales, the catfish are able to remain on land for a few seconds while wriggling back into the water where they can enjoy their meal.

The lead researcher said he filmed 54 catfish attacks, of which 15 were successful.

Copyright 2013 Chuck Shepherd.

Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO. 64106; 816-581-7500

May 2014

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Admin Fool...............................Lisa C. Sales Fool.................................Matt Z. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde

Contributors Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Jeanne Gavrin, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood, Chuck Shepherd

When

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Editor’s Note

May is a very busy month in our area. With the unofficial start to summer, the number of events and things to do is overwhelming. One event you didn’t hear about (until now) is moving the Foolish Times office to 482 Alvarado Street, upper level. We needed more space and found a great location with a great property owner with a great sense of humor.

So as you are going through the Foolin Around Town section of our paper planning your month, we will be unpacking boxes, setting up technology and wishing all of you a fun start to summer. Now that you know where we are, feel free to stop in and visit us.

Hey! Guess what! We think weird is funny. In fact, we think it’s so funny we’ve added a special column celebrating weirdness ... News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd. For more than 20 years, he’s been culling the strange and weird news from, well from wherever he can find it, and sharing it with friends and family. Sometime around 1988, ok in 1988, his column was published in a newspaper. Now, many, many years later, it’s a syndicated daily column enjoyed by all of us who love to read about other people’s absurdities, oddities and quirkydinks.

And now, Foolish Times is part of the News of the Weird family ... we all feel so at home.

Not to be outdone by this new addition to FT, our not-so-new contributors have some equally intriguing perspectives. Be sure to check them out, too.

Happy Mother’s Day to the most important person in the world...Mom. –Stevie P

Get out the maypole and celebrate this month.

–Susie Q

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May 2014

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Aging Just Keeps Getting Better

The Internet …

What’s That?

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it,” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

“Ok,” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses.

“What do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of google,” I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in any question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question,” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?

Crafty Old-Ager So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.

She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulled her over and said “Ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, don’t move, I’m calling for backup.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie.

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible,” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?”

asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John.

Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Five minutes later, half the squad pulled up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window, “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulled out a license from her purse.

He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty.

The woman brandished a finger at the first cop and said accusingly, “And I’ll bet that fibber told you I was speeding too!!”

Guzzendheit Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.

“What’s the problem,” asked his wife.

“Are you OK?” “I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.

“And it was so bad up there that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.

“You bet!” exclaimed Adam. “I got up there and was right in front of God himself, when he suddenly sneezed … and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”

“I want to be cremated because if I am burned and scattered things won’t change much.” – Carrie Snow

May 2014

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations.

CAFÉ KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor.

Seafood, steak, salads and the soon to be famous “Ship Sinker” Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money!

Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288

SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting.

This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality.

Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave. Monterey 831.373.4647

ITALIAN Gianni’s Best known for their pizza, has a great extended menu of pastas, ravioli, lasagna salads and hot baked subs 725 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.649.1500 Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating their 15th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

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May 2014

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B.B.Q.

by Monty Truitt

Bite Adversity in the Butt (Before It Bites You)

Y

ou can conquer the alligators with a lighthearted attitude. The only thing certain in today’s rock’em sock’em world of commerce is uncertainty. What worked yesterday is a formula for failure tomorrow. Tried and true tenets of business that helped past generations to the top – the cookiecutter gray suit, anything-for-thecorporation mind set – is doomed in the 21st century.

The world has undergone dramatic transformations. Markets have amorphosized into fluid global networks. Job security as we once knew it has gone the way of the village blacksmith. Teamwork and change are operative words now.

In this new cooperative era, individual heroics are not nearly as important as how well a person performs as a creative member of a dynamic team.

Changes is occurring with mind-boggling speed. Nothing in business seems anchored on solid ground – almost everything is cast adrift. But one element of this stress-producing equations remains constant and can serve as the rudder to steady our boats through the raging seas.

No matter what challenges we face, no matter what obstacles or adversity we encounter or how many alligators we met, a lighthearted attitude is our most potent, dependable tool for surviving and thriving.

A sharp sense of humor gives the mind flexibility to cope with the unexpected. It is perhaps the singularly most important requirement for achieving success and happiness.

Humor is the lubrication of business. It prevents friction and wins good will. A light-hearted attitude counters the heavyhanded approach to business and helps to cultivate a positive work environment that enables us to maximize creativity and productivity. Humor diminishes hostility.

“If that isn’t enough, a mirthful mood is fun, fat free and doesn’t require batteries.”

The Power of Perspective on the Job Humor is like a beacon. When we are light-hearted people are attracted by the light. Our cheerfulness has a great effect on others.

Studies show that people doing tasks with a joyful spirit and a buoyant attitude do a better job.

Humor in the workplace gets positive results. When you bring laughs to work there is increased job performance and career satisfaction.

A spirited outlook takes no special talent or ability, no physical prowess or skill, no post-graduate degree or license. What’s more, it feels good. It doesn’t require any time to download. You don’t need extra RAM. You don’t have to upgrade software. There are no glitches or internet disconnects and you never, ever have to phone for tech support.

Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators, ©1998

By Rex Keyes

T

he world of aviation can sometimes be very funny.

Humor can be divided up into sections in which jokes will be funny to one group and not others.

Then there are jokes that apply to everyone including passengers and crewmembers. An in-joke to a pilot would be something like this: What are the three qualifications a pilot must have before being promoted to Captain on an airplane? He must have a large watch, a sports car and a divorce. It may not seem funny to everyone else but those three items prevailed in the industry.

Now some pilots when flying like to have fun with the passengers and crew. Here are just a few

announcements that added a little fun to the flights: “Ladies and gentlemen you see that large mountain just to the left of us? That is Mt. Shasta. Now look carefully and you will see a smaller mountain, cone shaped, between Mt. Shasta and highway 5. That smaller mountain is called Diet Shasta.”

After leveling off at altitude and turning off the seat belt sign a captain made this announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to introduce our two flight attendants, Mary and Cathy. Please whatever you do be nice to Cathy, she can be pretty mean if upset. She was women’s wrestling champion of Walla Walla High in 1998 and she can bench « pg 6

May 2014

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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality

by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have anybody to respect.”

A. George Burns B. Jennifer Lawrence 2. “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

A. Thomas Paine B. Ellen Goodman 3. “A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.”

A. Betty Boop B. H. L. Mencken » pg 7

press 150 pounds. So please be nice to her when she comes down the aisle and takes your order.”

Immediately after that announcement the flight attendant made one. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce our pilots that are in the cockpit, they are Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. Because of the pilot shortage they just got hired about a month ago to fill in. Don’t worry they are highly qualified as they got their pilots’ licenses out of a Cracker Jack Box.”

“Because we are over an hour late I am comping all alcoholic drinks” And then there was a great comment from the wife of a married couple. The flight attendant came down the aisle and mentioned to the couple that complimentary wine was served. The husband, being finicky, asked what kind of wine it was. Before the flight attendant could

answer, the wife said, “Honey, it’s the best brand of wine there is, it is free, F-R-E-E. If you don’t like it after you taste it, you don’t have to drink it.”

The wife’s thinking was completely logical and the husband drank the free brand of wine and enjoyed it.

It so happens that when flying many legs a day, a crew and their airplane can get way behind their schedule due to weather, maintenance and plane changes.

Passengers boarding a late plane are sometimes not too happy. But there was an announcement a few of us captains would make that would remedy most of that. “Ladies and gentlemen this is the captain speaking. Because we are over an hour late I am comping all alcoholic drinks to include beer and wine.”

We could hear the cheers from the passengers through the cockpit door and above the sounds of the engines.

Passengers on deplaning would leave very happy and forgiving us for being late.

4. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”

A. Zsa Zsa Gabor B. Margaret Thatcher 5. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

A. Dr. Benjamin Spock B. Redd Foxx 6. “The important thing in acting is to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.”

A. Glenda Jackson B. Marie Curie 7. “Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head or tail out of it.”

A. Suri Cruise B. Groucho Marx 8. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

A. Phyllis Diller B. William Shakespeare Answers (all true): 1-A 2-B 3-B 4-A 5-B 6-A 7-B 8-A Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Weird 5-6 Petite 3-4 Frantic1-2 Damp 0- Insane Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

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May 2014

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Spring in for Savings!

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net Do You Have What It Takes?

$69.95 value

Happy Mother’s Day!

Is there a medical distinction between guts and balls? We’ve all heard of people having guts or having balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Sanity in Retirement

Chainsaw Magic

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model.

This chainsaw will cut 100 cords of wood for you in one day.” So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts and cuts ‘til nightfall and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut 100 cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.” Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars ... watch ‘em slow down!

2. On all your check stubs, write for marijuana!

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, I Won! I Won! 7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, run for your lives, they’re loose!

8. Tell your children over dinner: Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting rom is.

And the final way to keep healthy level of insanity: 10. Go to a large department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: There is no paper in here!

Eight Words with Two Meanings 1. Thingy (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car’s hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. Commitment (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. Making Love (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

May 2014

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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram May Day, May Day! If you’d rather fight than switch then don’t bitch about the black eye…you know how vain you are. No room this month for Aries vagaries, it’s all about the core.

Question is how many licks does it take to get to your center? Chin up!

Taurus: April 20 - May 20 The Bull A tranquil May afternoon may have you sauntering towards the sunny side of the ring and popping down some Pipas. But your baloney has a first name, it’s b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t and you are about to bust! Put away that Blimpus Olympus attitude. Perhaps a few forgot your Birthday, so bite that gritty red rose and charge!

Gemini: May 21 - June 20 The Twins What Paul Sasson said nearly a century ago today is still true: Release no whine before it’s time.. now is certainly the exception!

Wash that man/woman right out of your hair and you will double your pleasure, double your fun with BrylScream! A little dab’ll do ya.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22 The Crab Hey Spikey the Recluse! Don’t be a killjoy. Waiting for a new shell to harden? Anticipation, an-ti-cipa-tion is making me gray... How’s about a nice Hawaiian Punch?! Let go of that Kung Fu grip and say yes to Martini & Fosse, and do the jump and jive.

Leo: July 23 - August 22 The Lion Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a familiar bizz this is! You are a magnanimous spicy meat-a-ball of

power. But your impatience leads you to eat the whole thing...uh, uh Ralph and Ralphina. Take advice from Speedy and get the relief you need. Before your heart burns for more!

Virgo: August 23 - September 22 The Virgin You were a big splash in the small pond in your back yard. You can be a real Kool Aid Kid when you are happy go plucky like this. It’s good for once that you’re not all business as usual. You’ve earned yourself an instance of winsome. Coast the back stroke Virgie.

Libra: September 23 - October 22 The Scales Mr. Whippie was a hippy right before he started squeezing the Charmin.

We all know what that led to. You too are once again attempting to balance your subterfuge with directness. Not a tiptoe through the tulips is it! You may want to roll with surrender and wipe with surprise.

Scorpio: October 23 November 21 The Scorpion Droll, but you made an impression with Skoal, between your cheek and bum. You are drawn to the mysterious, no need to keep this a secret. (It was the crunch that gave you away.) A sensuous eclipse this month will allow your true alluring personality to gnaw, chew, and grind...but not with your mouth open.

Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 The Archer A simple case of the Blahs can send you reeling! Especially with all the scheduling, dozens of runs, serving tons, greeting thousands and all delivered with love. No wonder things go better for you with Koke,

after Koke after Koke after Koke.

Moderation is the REAL Thing!

Capricorn: December 22 January 19 The Goat In the dull and commonplace occurrences one thing stands out as a completely unique experience; sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t! But life has a daily assortment of nuts. It’s up to you to pick which nut to crack... BeCause ~ Mounds and mounds of joy can be found in any nut.

Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier Your comfort zone will allow you two all golf caddies, special gloss, zealous breeze, tickles, from Paul Bunyan

9

By Bini

all on a ecstasy believed run! Go to it...Sometimes in order to churn out some amazing ideas, you have to let your uninhibited desires bite your social conscience. It’s alarming how charming this feels!

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 The Fishes Paris in the springtime PI? Why not! The smell of success is never too sweet for a compassionate soul like yourself. This time you’re going to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, and you’ll never ever forget you’re on land, because you’re a human! Yet, it’s time to teach the world to swim in perfect harmony.

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May 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

FOOL CURB on the

Join Us!

Our Fool was hanging out at the 7/11 in Seaside this month. Question: Why should you have been chosen as the new David Letterman?

By Stacy Lininger

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However, customer, Marlo Solorio, was all over it because he knows everything about anything and even more about nothing.

Now that would make a great talk show host!

In the meantime, witticist, Bob Dubac weighed in with: “It can’t be me since I have bad eyesight and can’t read cue cards. Plus, that wasn’t even funny.”

Even Stephen Colbert, the guy who got the job, announced that he doesn’t envy the guy filling Letterman’s shoes or his “big pants.”

I just can’t believe Barack Obama wasn’t considered. He sure could use some comedy relief after what Congress put him through … ba-dum-dump!

Answers on page 20

May 2014

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By Tom Burns

The Writer “The bullet ripped through her heart and killed instantly. She dropped like a big box of Costco groceries, hitting the driveway with an impressive thud, much more than you’d expect from a 90 pound 87-year-old woman.

“The bullet continued its trajectory, approaching Old Mister Kornbaugh next door who had been watering his front lawn.

Mister Kornbaugh, depending which way he had been looking, either saw no bullet, or being cross-eyed, saw two bullets. He, too, dropped dead from a bullet wound to the back, right rib, wrist and thigh bone. Like the JFK Assassination Magic Bullet, the bullet had taken many turns as it tore through Mister Kornbaugh’s feeble, withered body.

“Later that afternoon, neighbors noticed the two flycovered bodies and notified the authorities.”

Rex yawned as he sat on the back porch as I read the beginning of my murder mystery aloud to him. “Well what do you think, Rexie?” I’m a writer. I’m writing a murder mystery. I think I’ll call it Rex and the Maple Street Massacre.

Rex jerked his head up when he heard he’ll be in the title of the book. Now I had his attention.

“Remember that writing class I’m taking? Well, I like it so much I’m switching careers. No more dirty fingernails from an auto mechanic’s life. Nosiree, buddy. I can stay in my jammies all day long and type, type, type. How cool is that?”

Rex wagged his tail. “No. Wait a minute. The old folks don’t die in their front yards. That’s already been done before. Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone. I need to grip the readers.” I squinted off into the distance, coaxing my muse out of hiding.

“I can stay in my jammies all day long and type, type, type.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay. How about this, Rex? The old folks are shot down in their front yards, but then … but then… they are hit but still alive! The old woman, named Abigail, calls out to Old Mister Kornbaugh, ‘Ed? Ed? Are you still alive?’ Kornbaugh coughs up some blood, and maybe some leftover oatmeal, and hoarsely whispers, ‘Down but not out, Abby.

You okay?’”

“See the possibilities Rex? The reader has been almost calcified by the vicious mowing down of the two senior citizens, and now, there is hope. A future. Perhaps … perhaps … love!”

I’m losing Rex. He was to be in the book, and as of yet, not a hint of my noble friend.

“Okay. Rex, you get to be the UPS delivery man. You pull up to deliver Abigail’s monthly box of auto-ship mineral supplements.

You see the two gunned down in the yard, you deliver the box but realize it’s time for your break.

Not wanting to violate union rules, you head down the street for McDonald’s.”

Rex had once again been filled with delight since he gets to be a

UPS driver in my book. “Hey, how about you getting two parts in the book? Yeah. That’s cool! Okay, okay, okay. Now you get to be the Official Monterey Sidewalk Crack inspector. You are on your hands and knees, well, paws, working your way up the street as the UPS van chugs off. You overhear two people talking. ‘Oh, Ed, I must tell you before I kick the bucket, I’ve always had a crush on you, Ed. Your beautiful silver hair, your matching white shoes and belt, the shiny chrome walker … and I’ve always had the hots for you, Abby. Your tramp stamp tattoo of Lawrence Welk, the way you

“I have three cats but I am only allowed two — so two of them have the same name.”

– Betsy Salkind

15

16

May 2014

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Go GREEN

NCI NOW ACCEPTS YOUR USED ELECTRONICS FOR RECYCLING

By Mary Tompsett

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Abby!

Abby who?

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If Drop off or schedule a pickup

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Tarzan who?

Tarzan stripes forever.

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Canoe come over and play.

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Little old lady who?

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Water who?

Water way to answer the door!

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Cargo!

Cargo who?

Car go “Beep beep”!

Spoken from the ruby lips of Lady Rhea Divine: Fasten your seatbelts!

‘Tis the merry month of Mother May I, and the importance of being foolish is on a conspicuous high, hence that the first comic actors at the very dawn of mythology were women!

Noah is a complete sentence, so is Yes. (Pause here for wild laughter with breath mints thrown at the stage.) And my complete answer to, “What did you think of the movie?” is to hack up a hairball. As nonverbals go, coughing up hairballs does send a strong message. But my vet says I just need more oil in my diet. Yo! Olives and extra cheese on that rice cake, please.

But hey, what do I know about judging movies? I can be as bitchy as any critic but, unlike them, I do it for free. Maybe I’m out in left field.

Or perhaps right or center field, just don’t make me wear an unflattering uniform. So let’s say Noah is the best film ever, and next year it sweeps the Oscars. What would that be like?

My predictions: Best Picture. Noah has cleverly bridged the gap between fundamentalists and vegetarians.

It will heal the rift between contemporary rock collectors and biblical rock people, and promote harmony between PETA and the retailers selling pooper scoopers.

Noah is flooded with enough idiotic elements to irritate Christians and non-Christians alike. The movie has been described as “Water World meets the San Diego Zoo, full of explosions but without the car chase.”

Best Actor and Best Actress.

Congratulations to the boy/girl twin babies hatched on the ark by Emma Watson. The stellar performances were given by 60-something former porn stars, but a talented makeup crew transformed them into babbling newborns. Call me crazy, but the baby boy was a spitting image of Harry Potter.

Supporting Actor. This award stunned everyone by going to the bad dude who hid in the ark, undetected for nine months while

he munched his way through a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet of fresh meat.

I guess karma kicked Noah’s ass for drugging all the animals with incense.

Supporting Actress. This award was shared by the entire herd of real-life rock people, all female, who insisted they weren’t computer-generated. The all-girl rock group began acting while still young pebbles and worked part-time at a Hard Rock Café in Boulder, Colorado.

“Noah has cleverly bridged the gap between fundamentalists and vegetarians”

Costumes. This award actually went to The Lego Movie, an unusual choice because it was an animated film. In any case, the Noah movie had not budgeted for costumes so the entire cast wore whatever leggings, torn hoodies and discontinued Uggs they could steal from the catering service.

Set Decoration and Production Design. The Oscar in this category was withheld pending settlement of the lawsuit filed by the architects who designed the Mall of America. Noah’s lawyers argued that although the ark strongly resembles the monstrous mall, the food courts on the boat were substandard and there was no room for a roller coaster.

Visual Effects. Inspired by hundreds of nearly identical video games, the computer graphics dwarfed everything in Noah except the sound of Russell Crowe laughing all the way to the bank.

Copyright © 2014

May 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

By Debbie Harris

I

try to keep up with the news, whether in newspaper or digital form, and as I do that some questions and thoughts come to me.

Some of them are as follows: Message to crazy people with guns: Don’t shoot at the police.

Really. The police have guns too and they’re well trained in using them (read: they’re better at it than you are). And they don’t seem to like being shot at. It makes them cranky.

They will shoot back. The result will not be good, particularly for you.

Don’t do it.

According to the bureau of people who keep track of these things (gum manufacturers?), gum is less popular than it used to be. Hmmm. Why are we chewing less? Maybe it’s the electronic gadgets we have. People don’t have to chew anymore. They

can tweet, Facebook, text, surf and even electronically puff away their restlessness. And there are benefits to less gum. Less to get stuck to the bottom of our shoes when walking downtown on a hot day. Less to be stashed under school desks for custodians to have to chip off. Less jaw fatigue. This one might be a win.

A note to retail stores: I presume that you don’t like people trampling over each other rushing to get to your sale merchandise, right? It causes injury and bad publicity for your establishments, right? Then stop calling your sales door busters!

According to news outlets, news readers must not have the slightest bit of common sense. Our area may have one day of moderate rain and news reporters feel the need to publish a three column article about how the drought isn’t over. Do you

really have to tell us this?

Are there actually people who think that four drops on a rain gauge can end a three year drought? I sure hope not.

Are we running out of ribbon colors for causes and diseases? The last cause ribbon I saw promoted was black. Black? I can only surmise that all the other colors were taken. In that case maybe we need to move away from ribbons. Perhaps we can use lapel pins made from ores and minerals or other objects. Teeth deposited in the Tooth Fairy’s care can be made into a broach touting good dental care.

Seashells can be affixed to our lapels to announce awareness of ocean pollution. We’ll have to get creative.

Celebrities: Pleeeeease. Just say no plastic surgery. If your eyelids droop down to your cheekbones and you can’t see, then sure, have a nip.

If your breasts are knocking into your knees when you walk, then ok, have a tuck. But forget the tightening for looks. When we see you in your

January 2014

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17

later years, we’d rather say, “Boy, she has aged,” than, “What the hell has she done to herself????” or “Who is that?” I’m telling you, even when the plastic surgeries are successful, you don’t look real. Take the pressure off yourself. Please wrinkle, sag, droop and crease. That’s normal. Don’t make yourself look like you belong in a wax museum. Just say yes to aging.

“Then stop calling your sales door busters!”

Through reading the newspaper I have discovered that more than support for a political candidate, more than loyalty to an ideology or even a sports team, people are deeply, emotionally attached to their favorite comic strips. Who knew Garfield, Dennis the Menace or Blondie could have such power? Take note news providers: don’t mess with the comic strips! That’s it for now.

Time for the news.

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Submitted by a retired doctor who is learning that the internet has the types of answers that were going through his mind from question from his patients.

18

May 2014

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Everyday is Mother’s Day Because...

WE DO THE COOKING

By Jeanne Gavrin

I

hold the large red handle of a retractable leash. At the other end is Darwin, 19 pounds of bristle-coated, almost black Cairn Terrier. He thinks jaunts are stop-and-go for his needs. I adjust. Darwin does his leg lifts, I do my power walk.

Strangers grin as they watch me pace back and forth.

These are no easy-peasy moves following doctor’s orders: Walk! At least a half-hour a day!

Get your heart rate up! Since 2005, that’s more brisk miles than I can count on paws, fingers and toes.

Walking does not bore me.

There’s litter to trash. A quick pick-up and a refuse-can-dunk to say, “Thank you for sharing your neighborhood with Darwin and me.”

And litter to treasure. The business card from a bed and breakfast in Turkey may come in handy; three addressed French postcards on to France I send, after adding stamps and my greetings, en français bien sûr, an invoice I reunite with one grateful contractor; wallet I discover with license, credit cards, a bank ID and $250 cash.

The bank teller connects this billfold and contents with a relieved owner. The $20 bill I spot on a path I keep.

One recent day, Darwin stops, squats. I march in place, scooping the poop while he pokes his muzzle at a rock. A rustle at my feet reveals an entire

newspaper Examining closer, I see a photo, a handsome profile of a dark-colored dachshund.

Next to it, I read Adventures with Rex and a subtitle, Life in the Hammock.

A pull from the leash tells me Darwin’s powering on. In a rush, I gather up Foolish Times.

Pacing down the pavement, back and forth depending on Darwin’s stop and go, I read how Tom Burns gets Rex off the back porch hammock.

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“Foolish Times makes my heart happy.”

After multiple tries, Tom entices Rex with the offer of a sniff at Mr. Delahunty’s Endangered Species Feces Exhibit. Sounds like something my Cairn companion might like, too There’s a twist when Mr. Delahunty shows his collection to his wife’s bridge group. I laugh out loud. Foolish Times makes my heart happy. A faithful reader I become.

To Darwin I wonder, “Upon us, what may future litter unleash?”

By Rosie Sorenson

W

hen God created Man and Woman, she might have been indulging in a wee bit of hard cider from ye olde apple tree. “Boy, that’s a knee-slapper,” she must have said, laughing. “They’re just enough alike so they can be together, but those differences? Now, that took divine inspiration! I’d better endow them with comedy, though, or they might just kill each other.”

One day last week I stood in the hallway and called out to Steve, my sweetheart of 15 years, “Honey, did you remember to take the cat litter out of the car?” He was sitting at his desk five feet away, around a

corner. No response. I repeated my question, only a teensy bit louder this time. Again no reply. I can’t say for sure, but it’s possible I might have amped up to Dolby Surround Sound as I headed for his office.

“Geez,” he said, looking up from his computer, grinning, “You don’t have to yell.”

“Well,” I said, leaning on his file cabinet, “I was talking in a normal tone, but you didn’t answer, so I thought maybe you didn’t hear me.”

He looked up at me with that handsome face I fell in love with and said, “You only have two settings, Rosie: Mumble and Overkill.” Thank God for humor. » pg 19

May 2014

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19

April Showers Bring May Flowers Answers on pg 20

Ageratum Belladonna Carnation Dandelion Forsythia Goldenrod Heliotrope Iris Jonquil Lilac Mustard Narcissus Oxalis Phlox Rhododendron Sweet Pea Tuberose Violet Dahlia Broom

« pg 18

When I stopped laughing, I said, “Yeah, but here’s the problem, Steve. You only have two settings for listening: Dim and Dimmer.”

This morning as he was lying in bed, I tried to tell him that I wasn’t sure if I had to remain at the hospital while our neighbor Jennifer had her colonoscopy, or if I could come home and then go back to pick her up.

“You what?”

“Sometimes it’s best to put down the words so no one will get hurt.”

“Jennifer–I’m taking her for her colonoscopy.”

“You have to stay there?”

“No. I just said maybe they’d let me come home and--” I sighed and threw up my hands. Sometimes it’s best to put down the words so no one will get hurt.

Sensing my frustration, he said, “No, go on, I’m listening.”

“No,” I said, collapsing into myself like an aluminum camping cup. “I’m too exhausted.”

So then, Steve started channeling me, mimicking my voice in a singsongy way, “‘You don’t listen, you don’t listen, then when you do, I’m exhausted.’” He let loose a maniacal cackle.

“That’s rude,” I said, my sides beginning to ache from laughter.

“I just thought of a name for you and me,” he said, convulsing. “Dim and Dimmer. You’re Dim, and I’m Dimmer!”

“You’re plain nuts, you know that?”

“Don’t make me laugh--I can’t listen!”

Rosie is an award-winning writer whose work has been published in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh-Tribune Review and other publications.

By Ted Gargiulo

M

eet Anya Schkapopnik.

Her day begins with back pain, a cup of coffee…and two extra-strength acetaminophen capsules. Gulp. A few hours pass; her pain returns during a staff conference. Anya makes a beeline for the water cooler and swallows two more pills. Gulp. After lunch, Anya lumbers painfully up the long staircase leading to her office. Her drab grey business skirt, bound tightly about her legs, makes it even harder for her to raise them. Poor woman! She should have worn slacks to work. She grimaces, catches her breath, heads for the break room…and swallows more pills.

Gulp.

Anya clocks out for the day, walks to her car. There she runs into Rita Fajita, a wealthy client who has everything Anya wants... and isn’t afraid to flaunt it. Rita is younger and cuter than Anya, and a lot happier because she’s not in pain. And because she wears stylish business suits that don’t bind her legs when she walks…which Anya would probably wear if she made the kind of money Rita makes. But she never will, which is why Anya secretly hates the woman and would choke her right there in the parking garage if people weren’t looking.

Turns out, this cheetah named Rita is savvier and more knowledgeable than Anya.

(Attractive, well dressed, younger women with money usually are.)

This chipper young client with the pretty, free-moving legs introduces Anya to an over-the-counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatory substance she knew nothing about… until now. Never heard of it, never tried it, never even saw it on TV. Really? Anya is dumfounded!

Rita explains that two OTC NSAIDS work better for pain than six of those do-nothing crappy caps

Anya’s been taking all these many commercials. Makes you wonder.

How could Anya not have known that? Standing next to gorgeous young Rita, poor haggardly, raggedy Anya looks older and more pathetic than ever. Maybe it’s that ugly grey suit she wears that’s kept her out of the loop, limping and tripping over her skirt and wolfing down useless meds. Little wonder her back hurts.

Imagine how miserable she’d feel standing next to the Colon Lady!

Fast-forward one day. Anya has taken her client’s advice. She feels better; she even looks better. The pills worked! End of story.

“Imagine how miserable she’d feel standing next to the Colon Lady!”

Next time the commercial airs, Anya Schkapopnik begins her day with the same back pain, wearing same drab skirt, faced with the same choice as before. She takes the usual two acetaminophens with her coffee. Gulp. Same as always. Has the woman learned nothing? Why is she back to Square One, making the same dumb choice all over again?

Because making dumb choices is what Anya does. It’s her lot, her reason for being. Because the real choice was made by the ad’s creators, who made her this way.

We’re the ones who’ve learned nothing from reliving this facetious, pseudo-scientific simulation night after night. It’s obnoxious, insulting, beneath our dignity, totally without merit…and it bores the <bleep> out of us! Yes, but we watch it. We endure it. No one forces us. That’s our choice, our badge…the backache we can’t live with, can’t live without--the medicine we gorge on every day, from which no good can ever come.

20

May 2014

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Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

Answers

Answers from page 17

from page 10

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What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple.

You’re two tents.”

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Mediterranean Influence We help enhance the value of your home Residential & Commercial 831.324.0637 pmlandscapingmonterey.com CSLB:939753

CLEANING Peninsula Cleaning & Moving We love to clean!

New client discounts Last minute appointments Family owned and operated Bonded & Insured 831.373.6243

May 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission!

What do you use for bait?”

Q: Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can’t the blonde make ice cubes?

A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?

A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work?

A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.

Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?

A: A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes?

A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.

Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?

A: They’re refueling.

Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?

A: She didn’t want one for nights.

Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?

A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?

A: She was last year’s hide and seek winner.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?

A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A: A dumb terminal.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?

A: So brunettes can understand them.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in?

A: The sign said must be 18 to enter.

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?

A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?

A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the instant pudding setting button.

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May 2014

Every Friday & Saturday in May

Planet Gemini

Monterey’s #1 comedy and dance nightspot.

The Lane brothers feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com

May 2-4

Steinbeck Festival

Annual event consists of film, speakers, panels, theater and bus and walking tours. All this in honor of Salinas’ favorite son, John Steinbeck

www.foolishtimes.net

May 3-4

Rota Psychic Fair

Over 40 outstanding Healers and Psychics. Lectures, books, gifts and lots more… but you already knew that. Special BeeZonged event Saturday evening. www.rotapsychicfair.com

May 5

Cinco de Mayo

Corona took the model from Hallmark and created a huge buzz to promote their brand and to commemorate the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862

May 10

Shimmy Mob

Flash mob of belly dancers in Oldtown Salinas in the middle of Gabilan and Main Street. The event is part of a worldwide dance to raise awareness and fund victims of domestic violence. Come dance. www.shimmymob.com

May 10

Feliz Diá de las Madre

May 23-25

California Roots

5th annual music and art festival featuring world class reggae acts and live art in a family environment.

An environmental consciousness event with a zero waste program. www.californiarootsfestival.com

May 25-26

Santa Cruz Blues Fest

Every Memorial weekend, the faithful gather in Aptos for two days of great music by world class blues musicians. Saturday night jam at Moe’s Alley is also a must for any blues enthusiast. www.scbluesfest.com

www.steinbeck.org

May 30

Traditional Memorial Day

May 11 May 9-10

Rock and Rods Festival

May 3

Walk and Wag

19th annual event to help fund programs for homeless, abused and neglected animals. A fun people and pet walk-a thon. www.spcamc.org

May 3

Street food Fest

These trucks used to be called “roach coaches.” Now these trucks arestaffed by culinary experts and have a nicer décor than 4 star restaurants. www.montereycountyfair.com

Sock Hop kicks off this 8th annual event followed by a custom car show.

Terry Sylvester from The Hollies headlines. www.montereyrockrod.com

May 10

Relay For Life of Monterey Peninsula

An organized, overnight fundraising walk that features food, games, music and activities for the whole family. This community event honors cancer survivors, remembers loved ones lost, and to fights back against a disease that has already taken too much. www.relayforlife.org/ montereypeninsulaca

Happy Mother’s Day We all have a mother

May 13-14

AMGEN Tour of California

The greatest bike race in America comes to Monterey.

Festivities start on Alvarado St. at Farmer’s Market. And race activities start at 10am Wednesday www.amgentourofcalifornia.com/ stages/stage-4

May 17

Ride to Restore

4th annual Bridge to Bridge bike ride fundraiser for yearlong faith based program to help men and women overcome drug and alcohol addiction. 8-20-50-100 mile rides www.b2bbikeride.com

Originally called Decoration Day. The Civil War claimed more lives than any conflict in U.S. history, requiring the establishment of the country’s first national cemeteries.

By the late 1860s, various towns and cities had begun holding springtime tributes to these countless fallen soldiers, decorating their graves with flowers and reciting prayers. And you thought it was just the unofficial start of summer.

May 31-June 1

Artichoke Festival

The 55th annual event is a commemoration of all things artichoke. A tradition for over half a century, it is moving to Monterey from Castroville www.artichoke-festival.org

May 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

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SPCA Benefit Shop

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John's Consignment & Home Decore

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836

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Tailwaggers

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Second Chance

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Branches Resale Shoppe

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MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

NCI Affiliates, Inc.

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www.nciaffiliates.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

Ash Resale â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Finders Keepers

8059 San Miguel Cyn Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com

Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650

RESALE TRAIL

110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899

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THE

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105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

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480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122

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F

G

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C B

A

Featured Shop

NCI recently opened a thrift store in Oldtown Salinas. Besides the thrift store, they also operate a State approved Electronics e-waste collection center. NCI provides vocational training opportunities for individuals with disabilities.