March 2017
Zachary Jack takes on this local issue Pg Âť 8
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March 2017
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S. Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
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Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Stefan Chapman, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Zachary Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks In May, I’m going to Mexico to ride my bike fifty miles over a mountain from Rosarito to Ensenada. I did this a few years ago and vowed never to do it again. Don’t believe a Mexican map señor. Around the twenty five mile mark just before the steepest incline, my left peddle broke. I did my best to ride up the grade but ended up walking my crippled bike up the final quarter mile to the summit. At this point, I was passed by a guy in a SpongeBob costume. SpongeBob was ahead of me! This was totally not acceptable. Determined to reach the finish line ahead of this Cartoon Network character, I forged ahead not caring what damage I was creating to my bike and body. There was no way SpongeBob was going to beat me. The view from the top of the mountain was stunningly beautiful. Although the fact that I’m terrified of heights, I was clinging as close to the inside of the road as humanly possible on the high speed downhill romp. Coming around a bend, there were no less than a dozen bikes sprawled out in a major wreck. My options were to either be included
in this mess or ride to the left knowing there were no guard rails and a sheer drop. If SpongeBob could get around this tragedy, so could I. Needless to say, I made it down the mountain and limped into Ensenada where the streets were filled with people cheering as I crossed the finish line to collect my medal. The best part was that I beat SpongeBob. This year, I’m riding with a friend from Arkansas. Will Williams is his name, just like his father, his father’s father and his son. His wife put the brakes on the name when a daughter popped out. He is a towering man with determination. I tried to talk him out of competing as I spun a tale of a death, major crashes, steep inclines, sheer cliffs, and SpongeBob. Nothing was going to stop this man from riding. So here I go again. May isn’t that far off and it’s time to get my bike tuned up and prepare my body and mind for this crazy ride. Beware SpongeBob, I’m coming back!
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People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice… unfortunately it’s not my choice. When my wife and I have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are, “Sorry, you’re right.” Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me. Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in. My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back. Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore.
My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying: “helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative” Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means? After years of marriage I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry. Yesterday I asked my wife what she wanted for her upcoming birthday and she told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds. I hope she likes the pack of playing cards I got her.
I don’t always get asked out on dates but when I do it’s always April 1st.
A quiet Irish man is usually a thinking Irish man. A quiet Irish woman is usually getting ready to tear your head off. Both can be dangerous.
I never have any luck with women. The other day my girlfriend won a trip for two to Las Vegas, she went there twice on her own. Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no, on both occasions.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her. My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, double Whopper with cheese!
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. Lunch buffet daily. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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The Luck of the Irish! Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? Real rocks are too heavy!
Why can’t you iron a fourleaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham-rock! What type of bow cannot be tied? A rain-bow! Where can you always find gold? In the dictionary! Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? Because they’re already wearing green! Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? Her red ones were in the wash!
What did the leprechaun do for a living? He was a short-order cook!
How can you tell if a leprechaun is having a good time? He is Dublin over with laughter! What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? He gets wet! What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer? Paddy O’Furniture! Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn’t afford plane fare!
From your co-worker who is going to have to cover for you the next day because you are sleeping off your hangover.
When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? When it’s a French fry! What do you call a diseased criminal? A leper-con! Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short!
Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009
All winter he was a caring, sweet, attentive husband. Then baseball season started.
Bonded • Insured • Green
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March 2017
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram March right through the Big Apple core and take no seedy prisoners. Pioneering as Machiavelli you pull people toward you with your magnetic and upbeat manner. But, you always leave somebody crying in the bathroom. Not everyone has the characteristics of Marietta Corsini. She was a saint!
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion “Dead Cat Bounce” You want to be the best, the brightest, the biggest! You wanna be somebody. (How’s ‘bout chiu?) So the numbers dropped, as does the rain, pliff and ploff. Soooo the duh Jones, just cycles ya know, all will come round again and again, take stock, when it does.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Puccinelli said: Rinascimento you bum steer! But you’ve got to weigh your station. Rebirth is on its own clock. All that shoving and snorting is going to keep you standing on line. Think of the subway as a ribbed vault, a Gothic revival, showing you the same friendly faces every day. Whoa! That pointed arch of yours just poked your fellow passenger in the eye. Run! ... Run!
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Aaahhh Shaddap! You can expect tongue circumcision when you are so elaborately direct! You have virtually done yourself in with all the gab. A virgin that never sleeps is practically an oxymoron. Get some rest, maybe a couple hundred years ... Galileo was pardoned in 1992, so chin up!
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins As elusive as Mercury! Swift as the wind ~ In Roman times Mercury was the God of thieves, full of guile. Now, YOU, they can smell coming like a hot New York afternoon, perfume and garbage. Lay low out of the limelight flow. Take your March marching orders and straighten out your cage. When in Rome ... Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Useless in Seattle! Down back to the shore you go, to Lawn Guyland. Don’t be schlock, you know you need a change. C’mon get your kit’n kaboodle and skadoodle your way back to your ol’ stoop. Reminisce, rekindle, reboot ... and watch out for the poop!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You are always schlepping! This here and dat der...sheez! No wonder you have been fantastically charmless lately. To restore, you must be delivered from this evil knows as busyness. Get a slice. Eat. Just Eat. No! No fork, no knife. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are always about dat! But now, you are ass-out. You are masquerading as egg cream with no egg. No artificial sweetener is gonna cut it. Hangin’ out with the Outta Town Cats gotcha a little bit of diss an’ dat, some heat eh? If you wanna get out of the kitchen learn the ropes, revive your dream, and fetch off the dopes. See ya in the hood.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Appalling wild promise you made! Twenty minutes in your Pedicab around all of Gotham, that would floor anyone. Wasn’t your fault you ran over a squirrel and that guy while he was singing Julie Andrew songs. That was a long time ago, now resurgence is necessary. Back into society you go, back to the business of life. Get some cawfee, a biali or two-- it always helps. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Truth is, in many senses we are always in some mid-renaissance. A nascence is occurring in your shadow self. This is good medicine. Pantomime if you have to but stay in the game. Keeping steadily in sight that whispered
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By Bini distant promise of success. You’re just shedding the old goat smell, pally. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier What is going on hea! Lack of momentum? Here is how it must be; the waning and the waxing shapes are mingling and the new forms emerging. Grab the post-its, yes, the blue one’s, and mark the cycles, you will then see the shape of things to come. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s never been so good! This is not even as good as it gets. Late winter brings Jonquils, Jazz and a Birthday Jig, which is something like a jolly quip. What YOU feel concerns ART. The rest is rubbish. But, don’t be.
What’s that hotty reading?
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March 2017
A Dog’s Life for Me
by Zachary Jack Lately I’ve begun to cast an envious eye on the treatment given our furry companions. It’s clear to me that in many places on the Monterey Peninsula canis familiarias, not homo sapiens, is the favored species. Even I notice that when I’m traveling with my four-legged friends, I often get the best seats in the house and the brightest smiles. I certainly can’t blame our dog-friendly businesses for drooling over their four-legged guests. The pooches are consistently cuter than I am, and boast a far superior pedigree to my mongrel mix. At times over the wet and wooly winter now past, I’ve succumbed to what can only be called canine envy, a full-blown inferiority complex that would surely have me in therapy; if only I could I afford it. Fortunately, any recent psychoses have birthed a radical new concept—the peoplefriendly business. The premise is absurdly simple: take the accommodations joyfully given our four-legged BFFs and extend them to we service humans. For me it’s a matter of creed, even dogma, that lowly homo erectus receive a whiff of the same fringe benefits reserved for hounds-about-town.
For starters I would like a small bowl of savory treats available to me at point-of-sale—some mozz sticks or tapenade will suffice. I would also like a right-sized door to aid and abet my entrances and exits—an even six feet tall with extra width cut around the middle for any added winter girth. If it could be engineered to swing smartly shut behind me, and thereby cut the cold winter drafts, all the better. But really, why should we stop
It’s clear to me that in many places on the Monterey Peninsula canis familiarias, not homo sapiens, is the favored species. there in our desire for true homocanis equity? If in my commercial zeal I inadvertently pee on the floor of some trendy, spendy boutique, I would like for the shopkeepers to smile winsomely at me, and, laughing musically at my little accident, commence cleanup with a cheery swipe of a paper towel. No more body-
I finally got my boss to laugh. I asked for a raise.
shaming for me! Should I sniff my fellow shoppers in an urgent need to discover their provenance, I humbly request my advances be chalked up to “human nature” and suffered with the same good-natured glee one typically reserves for the peccadillos of man’s best friend. And give me freebies, please… freebies of all breeds. In the hot summer months hominids like me would be ever so appreciative if the human-friendly businesses of Monterey County would provide us with a bowl of cool clean water when, in the midst of some especially heated shopping, our tongues loll out and we begin to pant. Might I also suggest a communal drinking fountain for my people friends similar to the famed Fountain of Woof in the Carmel Plaza. I’m told Diggidy Dog provides 2000 square feet of doggie rumpus room complete with a small grassy spot just outside the front doors where dogs can relieve themselves. If Spot can have his own small outdoor spot to pee, mayn’t we? Long ago I grew envious of the children in my life for the mac and cheese, grilled cheese, and other affordably-priced savories exclusively available to them on their kiddie menus; why should we already responsibility-laden adults be deprived of the sublime economy of the children’s menu? And by a similar logic shouldn’t we be able to save a buck or two by ordering from the doggiemenu at some of Carmel’s finest restaurants? Maybe we’re hankering for some low-cost kibble, biscuits, grilled chicken, or steak tartar. The dog’s life could be great for our bottom
www.foolishtimes.net line! If the President takes our Obamacare, could we turn to the Peninsula’s vets for first-class care? If we temporarily lose our grip on reality in Donald Trump’s America, could we save a few bucks on a people shrink by visiting an area pet psychologist instead? And if being allowed to order doggie services at doggies prices is too predictable a demand coming from whiny humans like us, may we at least be allowed to sit, unmolested, under a corner two-top to graze quietly upon table scraps? Would Canine-by-the-Sea, the number one dog-friendly town in America, likewise supply free toiletries for we humans the way they graciously provide biodegradable bags for my pup’s doggie waste? We could all save ourselves a line-item in our monthly Safeway bills if Carmelby-the-Sea would provide us with unlimited complimentary T.P. at dispensaries conveniently located throughout the Village in the Forest. After all, when we humans have to go on Eighth, what good does it do us if the nearest bathroom is on Scenic Avenue? I, for one, could learn a thing or two about the good life from the higher-minded dogs in my life. I could use the “Yappy Hour” and room service menu offered my friends at Doris Day’s Cypress Inn. I could stand more off-leash time, more doggie deep tissue massage and doggie cones and scones delivered to me for free or at a fraction of retail. Call me a needy human, but I want to be met at area patisseries with the same broad and beatific smiles (not to mention free pastries!) with which the merchants of our fair Peninsula greet my more hirsute friends. I entreat you, fair Monterey County, treat us like dog-people we are!
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March 2017 French towns with silly names. “Tres con,” translated, is “very stupid.” Mayor Georges Leherle accepted the town’s membership, joining 38 incumbent members including “Monteton” (“My Nipple”) and “Mariol” (“Dumbass”).
Least Competent Criminals
By Chuck Shepherd
Designer Leather • The late fashion designer Alexander McQueen (who dabbled in macabre collections, himself), might appreciate the work of acolyte Tina Gorjanc: She will grow McQueen’s skin (from DNA off his hair) in a lab, add back his tattoos, and from that make leather handbags and jackets. Gorjanc, a recent graduate of McQueen’s fashion school alma mater, bills the project mainly as showcasing the meager legal protections for abandoned bits of human DNA -- and fears industrial use of such DNA on a much larger scale.
Scientific Breakthroughs • Friendly Bacteria: Plastics are well-known to decompose slowly, but the most difficult is the polyethylene used for containers such as the omnipresent water bottles, and despite recycling, tens of millions of metric tons wind up in landfills, where the plastic’s strong polymer bonds resist breakdown. Recently, however, two Japanese researchers, after tedious trial-and-error, identified a bacterium that views the polyethylene terephthalate as an efficient, tasty meal. A colleague of the two said further tweaking was necessary before using the bacteria industrially. • Room-Sized Bong? Samuel Oliphant, 35, was arrested on various charges in Scottsdale, Arizona, in June after police were called to a house to investigate a
“strong and unusual” odor (which cops suspected to be drugs). Inside, they found a “laboratory,” necessitating use of their “hazmat protocols,” because Oliphant had allegedly built a “complex and elaborate” system apparently for the purpose of enhancing the smoking of marijuana.
Awesome! • Rapper Kasper Knight apparently shot himself in the cheek with a revolver on July 17 in Indianapolis -- as part of a staged music video -- according to raw footage of the incident posted on his Facebook page (and then of course seen by almost 2 million people). Knight, seen bleeding afterward, said he tried to recruit a shooter, but when no one volunteered, shot himself, anticipating (as in previous times he had been shot, by other people) “like a 4 out of 10 on the pain scale.”
The Passing Parade • The Belton (Texas) Early Childhood (pre-kindergarten) School staged an “Enchanted Evening” prom in May and posted many photos on its Facebook page of little toddlers arrayed in tuxedos, gowns, corsages and of course, for some, limousines. (A Kansas City Star reporter suggested that this was just the beginning of an expensive parental trend.) • The village of Trecon was inducted recently into the club of
• Didn’t Quite Think It Through: The men who tried an armed carjacking at the Oasis car wash in Shreveport, Louisiana, on July 20 were sent running by the car owner Michael Davis, who was holding a high-pressure hose at the time and casually directed the stream to one potential thief’s face while swinging the metal wand at the other.
Recurring Themes Things That Have Happened Before: • An ambulance was called in July when jockey Chris Meehan was kicked in the face by a horse and knocked out cold after he fell during a race in Merano, Italy, but the arriving ambulance accidentally backed over his leg. He is recovering. • At England’s premier agricultural event (the Great Yorkshire Show), a winning show cow was stripped of her title, suspected of having artificially “enhanced” udders. The runnerup, of course, was promoted.
The Classic Middle Name (All New!) • Arrested Recently and Charged With Murder: Cody Wayne Fish (Norman, Okla., August); Curtis Wayne Trexler (Salisbury, N.C., July); Daryl Royston Wayne Cook (Hobart, Australia, July); James Wayne Rodgers Jr. (Dallas, May); Bruce Wayne Cameron (St. Louis County, Minn., June
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2015). Fugitive Murder Arrest Warrant Issued: Vernon Wayne King (Harrisburg, Pa., August). Pleaded Guilty to Murder: Stacy Wayne Brown (Wilmington, N.C., July). Sentenced for Murder: Christopher Wayne Hill (Harlan County, Ky., June) (a different Christopher Wayne Hill than reported years ago in “News of the Weird”). Killed Himself Resisting Arrest for Murder: David Wayne Campbell (Mason County, Wash., February). Granted New Sentencing Hearing: convicted murderer Michael Wayne Norris (Houston, June). Committed Suicide in Prison: convicted murderer Flint Wayne Harrison (Farmington, Utah, July). Executed for Murder: John Wayne Conner (Jackson, Ga., July).
A News of the Weird Classic (September 2012) •“Pheromone parties” attract men and women seeking romance, not via often-insincere conversation, but based on the primal-scent signals emitted by each other’s slept-in T-shirts. Organizers have staged parties in New York City and Los Angeles and plan to expand, according to a June (2012) Associated Press report. The organizers’ initial conclusion: People prefer lovers with a somewhat-different genetic makeup than their own, but not too different. (Update: “Pheromone parties” were attracting attention as recently as 2014, but not much since then.) Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd, distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo.
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
I heard that you like the bad girls Springtime is here; the weather is getting nicer and not hurting my face when I go to work in the morning. If you live in Southern California, you need to know the weather is not all rainbows and 70 degrees all year-round in the rest of the country (I would say the world, but we are taking baby steps here.) I encountered a rather unpleasant awakening after leaving my West Coast bubble; think of that dog with goggles on the sidecar of a motorcycle, not the one having fun, but the one hanging on to dear life. Mostly
due to the lack of quality Mexican food, Horchata is an art, and I had to shovel snow, however, it is true what they say, it does build character. When I lived in San Diego, I used to send my friend living in the mid-West pictures of me wearing shorts and sandals and enjoying a refreshing drink (wearing a shirt goes without saying, people… or maybe I wasn’t wearing a shirt). To add insult, I would be wearing shades and throwing a West side hand sign in our beautiful California winter. Now, I am on the same frozen boat. However, as I type this story, it is 10 degrees colder in her hometown. Ha! Still winning. I cannot show her weakness, I
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
remain strong, I layer up, I got a fashionable scarf and she will not enjoy my struggles with the lower temperatures, the pain is only temporary. I am taking her power away, and by doing so, I actually enjoy the winter. Now, perhaps you are thinking this is the part where I break down crying to tell you I am a big not-so-fat liar (I
I have developed a different perspective. I welcome change; sometimes I even put it in my piggybank. work out), and my pants are on fire, but you would be mistaken. I have developed a different perspective. I welcome change; sometimes I even put it in my piggybank. I used to dislike it, but then I realized that mentality was outdated, the world is changing and those who fail to adapt will vote for some old dude with a terrible tan that thinks women are to be grabbed not heard. Wait, I digress. Some people fear what they do not know, some people still watch Fox News. Personally, I fear those I do know. I know what to expect.
I have learned that I regret the decisions I did not make more than those I did. You live, you learn, you dust yourself off, and you move on. Sure, your ego might get a little bruised up in the process but by learning the lesson we are meant to learn, we make sure we do not encounter the same situation in our future. Thus, we are able to handle a similar difficulty with poise and graciously give the middle finger to those hoping for us to fail. Make that maximum effort look easy. I am talking lemon squeezy! I know how un-Mexican I sound, after all, we are programmed to feel guilty if we are not pleasing others, el orgullo de la famila, even, and it took me years to free myself from the shackles of oppression a la Mexicana. I used to make decisions based on what my mom would approve of, but I was the one living the consequences of her actions, and I was not happy. What she wanted for me and what I wanted for myself were not even in the same zip code. Fights ensued and I left that dysfunctional nest and flew away on a quest. The opposite of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, with booze, strippers and gambling… and ok, I made the last part up.
An Irishman lost a hundred dollars on a horse race. He also lost another hundred on the television replay. Answers on page 24
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March 2017
By Lily Brun
Cheer for Decayed Organic Material California is being pummeled by winter rain storms. We have so much water in our creeks, rivers lakes and reservoirs we might actually be out of our drought. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone! I’ve spent a lot of time inside these past few months. Fortunately, all of my seed catalogues arrived and I spent way more time than I’d like to admit checking out the latest varieties of beans and squash and beets and rutabagas … ok, maybe not rutabagas. Seed catalogs are my vice, my dirty little secret I keep stashed in the greenhouse - in between the potting mix and the fertilizer. The pictures are luscious looking, the descriptions enticing, the promise of a bountiful vegetable garden, irresistible. They never fail to rejuvenate my gardening ardor. But, before any seeds can go in the ground, those dormant garden beds need to be readied for planting. Wake ‘em up! Best way, a good dose of compost otherwise known as decomposed organic matter. Nothing like humus to make a garden grow. It’s just what the soil doctor ordered. I’m lucky enough to have the room in my garden to make my own compost, a delicious mix of grass clippings, leaves, chicken manure - because I’m also lucky enough to have chickens - coffee grounds and food waste, topped off with a couple of buckets of water. It’s a veritable carbon, nitrogen and oxygen stew. I think of my compost bins as giant crock pots cooking
all of these ingredients, all the while creating the right blend of microorganisms to break down what’s in the pots into a beautiful meal for garden soil. Give it a good stir regularly and over the course of a few months it will automatically turn into a sumptuous soil amendment. The science of it is really cool;
I think of my compost bins as giant crock pots cooking all of these ingredients. the process really hot. Put a compost-cam (if there were such a thing) inside a bin and you’d see bacteria, actinobacteria, fungi like molds and yeast, protozoa and rotifers all working in unison to break down the diverse organic matter. Earthworms move in, eating their way through the composted material, aerating it and creating drainage tunnels. What a team! And all I have to do is stand on the sidelines and cheer them on:
It’s no lie I’ve got great fungi. It’s so firm I’ve got hungry earthworms. It’s no boast I’ve got awesome compost. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go … Gotta make things grow! Clearly, I missed my calling as a high school cheerleader! Nevertheless, compost is worth cheer-ing for: add it to the soil and it helps with water retention, so you can water less … incredibly important in garden water management; use it to clean up and repair contaminated soil; use it to help prevent erosion; use it to improve soil structure; and in very simple terms, when added to soil it helps plants go stronger. So, this summer when the garden is in full bloom and all of those seeds I was enticed in to buying have grown into plants laden with vegetables, I’ll be standing nearby, pompoms in hand … Gotta make things grow! Go Team!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything? No, what about him? Now he’s trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball! Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies! Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can’t swim? Dead ones!
It took six days to build the world. That was in the days before building permits.
How do Welsh people eat cheese? Caerphilly!
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March 2017
THE ANSWER IS…the arts!
For the sake of our collective sanity, let’s assume that a strong public education system remains a major priority in the United States. We’ll assume that facts, science, innovation and the arts will continue to be at the core of the curricula presented to our children during the next decade. That sort of stuff is important, after all, at least for a society that doesn’t aspire to Third-World status. Most of us would like to believe our rose-colored glasses will counter balance the terrifying possibility that facts and figures won’t matter anymore. We can only hope that everything will be okay. And if everything will be okay in our schools, we can be hopeful that one particularly innovative approach to teaching students
January 2014
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known as STEM Education will continue to be part of our children’s education. STEM integrates four distinct disciplines — Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics — in a cohesive learning approach based on real-world experience. The approach is gaining favor in schools throughout the country, including on campuses at the Monterey Peninsula Unified School District. The concept is picking up STEAM (note the addition of an “A”) in at least one Monterey Peninsula middle school. Walter Colton Middle School in Monterey has incorporated an arts-anddesign element to the STEM curriculum. Now it’s Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Mathematics. “Creating STEAM by including
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. “On a scale of zero to ten,” I asked her, “with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?” She shook her head. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good with math.” “Not all of us are as smart as we look”
Arts with a STEM curriculum is such a program because it is critical to the overall educational preparation of our future leaders,” according to Harvey White, a technology entrepreneur. “It clearly makes sense to do both Arts and STEM — i.e., STEAM.”
The “A” in STEAM helps to spark the interplay between left-brain convergent thinking and rightbrain divergent thinking. It’s an approach naturally endorsed by the Arts Council for Monterey County, which has a strong presence in schools throughout Monterey County. For one thing, the inclusion of the arts in a STEM curriculum teaches children that problems can have more than one solution. A STEAM curriculum recognizes that to be successful in technical fields, individuals must also be creative and use critical thinking skills, which are best developed through exposure to the arts The “A” in STEAM helps to spark the interplay between leftbrain convergent thinking and right-brain divergent thinking. Its purpose is to spark imagination in skills to conquer the everchanging challenges in a world that is evolving quickly. Carolyn Wormley, who teaches science and technology at Walter Colton using the STEAM approach, told the Monterey Herald recently that art is inherent in the other disciplines.
www.foolishtimes.net “It’s in architecture,” she said. “You don’t have ugly buildings.” To get her program up and running, Wormley found much support from parents, who donated art items and gift certificates from art stores. The teacher also set up a GoFundMe page for supplies. In the face of uncertainty in public-school education these days, the National Art Education Association and local organization like the Arts Council for Monterey County remain key organizations in promoting the importance of arts in the classroom. The organizations believe that arts teach children to make good judgments in disciplines that do not adhere to strict rules and answers, while celebrating multiple perspectives. “The arts make vivid the fact that neither words in their literal form nor numbers exhaust what we can know,” said Elliot Eisner, the late Stanford University professor who specialized in arts and education. “The limits of our language do not define the limits of our cognition.” In the context of education’s immediate future, Eisner was downright prescient: “The arts’ position in the school curriculum symbolizes to the young what adults believe is important.” For more information about the Art’s Council and its programs, call 622.9060
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Enrich Your Vocabulary
By Debbie Harris
I like to challenge my brain, so I subscribe to two dictionary sites that email me a vocabulary word each day. I’ve been doing this for years and I’m guessing that Merriam Webster and Wordsmith have too, because the majority of the time, I’ve never heard the words they send me, and I can’t imagine them being used in 2017 American English. I offer: Pulchritude (pronounced PUHL-kruh-tood)—physical comeliness. Seriously? Somehow I just can’t imagine someone saying, “I saw your picture on Match.com and your pulchritude prompted me to contact you.” Hypocorism (hye-PAH-kuhriz-um)—a pet name. “Well Greg, we’ve been seeing each other for six months now, so I think it’s time for us to come up with some hypocorisms for each other. Maybe you could call me pulchritudinous.”
Nescience (ne-sh(ē-)ǝn(t)s)— lack of knowledge or awareness. Isn’t that stupidity? Still, I think I’d much rather have nescience than stupidity. It sounds like it has something to do with science. Using that word you could insult people in their presence. “Your nescience is grander than that of anyone else’s I know!” Would one be considered to have nescience if they didn’t know what nescience meant? Doughty (DAU-tee)—brave; courageous; determined. He received the Presidential Medal of Freedom for being doughty. Well, that doesn’t sound right. What about: The few, the doughty, the Marines! Nah! Ken (KEN)—the range of view; sight, view; the range of perception, understanding, or knowledge. Really? Not Barbie’s boyfriend? Fetid (FET-tid, FEE-TID)— having a strong, unpleasant odor. Is feta fetid?
March 2017 Purblind (PUHR-blynd)— partially blind; lacking in understanding, insight, or vision. What happens to cats when they close their eyes while purring? Blandishment (BLAN-dishmuhnt)—something (action, speech, etc.) designed to flatter, coax, or influence. The candidate offered blandishments at each campaign stop. Hmmm. More like the candidate offered a bland speech at each campaign stop. Specious (SPEE-shuhs)— superficially true, but actually wrong. And speaking of politicians . . . Ecdysiast (pronounced ek-DIZee-ast)—A person who disrobes to provide entertainment for others. I thought that was a stripper. The word sure makes the profession sound better! One could even use that term on a resume. Still, I don’t see anyone remarking “For Tom’s bachelor party, we decided to find a place to see some ecdysiasts.” Piebald (PYE-bawld)--1. Composed of incongruous parts. 2. Of different colors, especially spotted or blotched with black and white. This word is used most when describing the fur of animals, so couldn’t they come up with something different than
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combining two words that have very little to do with animals? Piebald? The first definition seems to describe the word itself— composed of incongruous parts. I prefer my pie bald—no hairy pie for me! Could the word be used to describe hairless men who enjoy a specific dessert? He’s not cakebald; he’s piebald! Maybe he has black and white spots on his bald head, making him a piebald baldie. Crazy! Under the “I Didn’t Know There Was a Word For It” category is: Petrichor (pronounced PET-rikuhr)—The pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell. Aaaaah. Those of us in drought-sticken areas look forward to a moment of petrichor. We just call it a blessing. So may you be doughty and not purblind ; may your ken show that you don’t have nescience; and may you have pulchritude even if you’re piebald.
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March 2017
A LIFE WITHOUT PUNCTUATION
by Robyn Justo I recently walked away from a relationship with a virtual partner, virtual in the respect that he was barely there. I ran into a good friend of his shortly after and I told her that I was truly sorry that things didn’t work out. “Oh, no worries. It’s just a comma,” she said, a little flippantly. “Excuse me?” I sked, feeling leveled by the comment. She went on to explain about how it was a short relationship and that it was a mere pause in both of our lives. My ego wanted to rise up and scream, “I am NOT a comma!” I fought the urge. I suppose it isn’t painfully uncomfortable enough to have to break away from someone you care about and have high
The trouble with people who give until it hurts is that they are sensitive to pain.
hopes for, but then to be reduced to a comma. I mean, why not an exclamation point? And I suppose that in the bigger picture, a relatively short romantic relationship is indeed like the blink of an eye in the interest of eternity, but comma on. A few months later this common friend (aka comma
It brought up the ick factor quickly for me like being asked to wear a friend’s underwear. friend) asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no and was tempted to say that I was choosing to live my life without punctuation. Again I fought the urge. She had someone in mind for me, but I wasn’t really thrilled with the idea nor was I prepared for another pause. A few weeks after that, I met a man at a casual gathering and he was interested in me. It turned out that he knew this same common friend and there had been some romantic energy and banter between them about the possibility of a relationship, but it never materialized. (Maui is a very small island and quite socially incestuous.) It brought up the ick factor quickly for me like being asked to wear a friend’s underwear, not that I ever have. Just sayin. Does that mean that she and I would be sharing a comma? Eeesh. But it got me to thinking…how does one punctuate a relationship? Or do they punctuate (or puncture) us? I have had many “question
mark” relationships, the proverbial WTFs, the ones without answers that leave us scratching our heads. I have also had a few “periods, the end.” There is never any doubt about these. I think my favorite might be the “etc.” kind…to be continued, more to follow, past-life, infinite future sort of hookup with someone you might meet on Match. Milky Way. Yep, come to think of it, that’s it. Enough already. No more going comma-tose. Bring me a Starman, an enlightened interdimensional ready for etcetera, an astral adventurer, a celestial cowboy, telepathically endowed and well versed in long term and light language.
www.foolishtimes.net My name is Robyn and I am here on a small island called Maui on a bigger island in the sky called Earth. I shouldn’t be too hard to find, so let’s do this. Instead of pausing for reflection time after time after time, I think I’m ready to leave the commas behind and get together for one big run-on sentence (and maybe a galaxy ride!)
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Foul Fowl
By Rosie Sorenson Apparently, it’s not enough that I made a contribution to the economy, say, by buying a rubber chicken from Amazon. No. After my purchase they have to go and badger me into writing a review. Of a rubber chicken! The subject line in the emails from Amazon read: “Did Rubber Chicken Meet Your Expectations?” Seriously? Please tell me, in what intelligently designed universe is this not crazy? Just how many expectations can one have of a rubber chicken? I mean, you can’t eat it; it can’t spring to life to do the funky chicken dance; it can’t lay eggs.
It just lies around in its rubber chicken-ness, doing absolutely nothing to contribute to the relationship. That’s pretty much all you can expect of a rubber chicken, not unlike some men I dated back in the day. But was Amazon going to stop harassing me because I didn’t log onto its website and record my opinion of their funny floppy fowl? No-siree-bob. Just like that boyfriend you once had who wanted to be with you 24/7 so he could suck the brains right out your head, they were not going to give up. This is, after all, WeRule-the-World Amazon. Now, I have no intention
Spring into Action This Month Answers on pg 24
Picnic Jog Hike Softball Bike Cafe Farm Animals Beach Golf Horseback Riding Kite Fly Jump Climb Swing Wade Skip Vacation
March 2017 of telling Amazon, but I will tell you—50,000 of my closest friends—why I shopped online for a rubber chicken. Many years ago, before I met my sweetheart Steve, I engaged in what could only be called binge dating. When someone seemed a
Don’t they know with whom they are dealing? If a woman is screwy enough to buy a rubber chicken, what else might she do?
possible “keeper,” my friend Jill would organize a “rubber chicken” dinner, a coming-out party, if you will, for my new man to meet several of our friends. It was really more of an excuse for them to audition him. I blush to admit that none of the men prior to Steve received a follow-up invitation; none made the cut. Years later I found out that when my date-dujour and I would leave the party, eyeballs would begin rolling around in my friends’ heads as if aliens had overtaken them. What was she thinking? Anyway, after my friends met Steve, Jill said, “Looks like I can finally hang up my rubber chicken!” No more eye rolling.
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When our eighteenth anniversary was upon us, I realized I had been remiss in repaying Jill for all her steadfast support. Thus, the rubber chicken. After the fourth beseeching email from Amazon, I relented. I logged onto the site and wrote: “I bought this as a gag gift. It’s pretty funny.” Satisfied that I had captured the essence of my chicken purchase, I clicked “Publish.” Done. But, no! Mr. Amazon flashed a message scolding me because I hadn’t “used enough words.” OK—now I’m really cheesed off. First, they demand I write a review—then they censor me? Don’t they know with whom they are dealing? If a woman is screwy enough to buy a rubber chicken, what else might she do? Whaddya say we gather a million of our closest friends, don our chicken suits and lay some eggs at Amazon headquarters? Cluck, cluck.
An Irishman once read of the dangers of drinking. He gave up reading.
I have a Peter Pan garden. It never grew up.
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March 2017
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Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel by Roger Freed It isn’t often one sees a saber toothed squirrel. Of course, it isn’t often one wants to see a saber toothed squirrel, but when one does see one it invariably leads to commentary. For instance: “Why the (bleep) does that squirrel have a saber tooth and how can he chew anything without sticking himself?” is often heard. Chena Hot Springs Resort, Alaska has one. His name is ‘Tham’ for reasons that will become apparent to those endowed with enough patience to finish this article. He lives in the roof of a cabin like a furry Quasimodo possessing instead a socially alienating tusk rather than a hunchback. The poor
creature, much like Quasimodo, is surely rejected by his peer squirrels and had to endure taunts in his childhood from the other neighborhood squirrel kids such as “Hey, Mr. Big Tooth! Did you remember to floss today?” or “Hey Large Mouth! Don’t you know its uncouth to have such a big tooth?” The poor guy probably never even has had a squirrel girlfriend. She would have been seriously lacerated by their first kiss. Tham would come over and eat at the restaurant’s bird feeder. We would put up a sign that stated “For Bird’s Only!” but he ignored it. Other than his tusk he was an ordinary Alaskan squirrel which is puny by normal U.S. squirrel
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons. Kate says, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.” Lorna responds, “My Francis is a saint too. Not only hasn’t he looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.” “My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.” “I am” announces Lorna. “When he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and we warmed by their Hospitality and humor.
standards. This puniness is undoubtedly a further source of humiliation for poor Tham. Most Alaskans take great pride in their state possessing so many critters of humongous size and here he is pulling down the status quo. Alaskan squirrels look like runts of the litter. I am sure that in the wild when caught and devoured by predators they are considered to be the Chicken McNuggets of the animal kingdom.
Alaskan squirrels look like runts of the litter. Tham’s tooth really looks like a miniature elephant’s tusk. It comes out of his mouth through his cheek and curls into an elongated C shape. It is so big that it looks like if he were to turn his head too swiftly he would slit his own throat. It is impressive. The other side had apparently been long too but had broken off leaving a strange stub. Tham is Nature’s answer to the piercing craze. Tham theems...excuse me “seems” to be a throwback in evolution. Most animals appear to be moving forwards in evolution towards better body designs, much like Japanese cars do each year. Humans, for instance, supposedly developed from fish to weasels to aardvarks to monkeys to cavemen to Tom Cruise over several million years. Tham seems to be going back towards being a mastodon. Perhaps there is such a thing as reverse evolution, where we degenerate back to more primitive forms. That would explain heavy metal rock bands, the dark overgrowth’s of hair sprouting on my back recently and our latest President. I had a nightmare about Tham a while back. It was late at night (this would be a Fairbanks, Alaska night with 18 hours of darkness, not a wimpy summer ‘lower 48’
night. Somehow nightmares that occur on nights when it is still light enough to thread needles by just aren’t all that scary). There was a strange scratching at my window. I got out of bed, pulled up the blinds and there he was! Tham stood outside with his little paws on the glass and stared icily in with beady eyes. He had clawed his way through the screen. In my head I heard a squirrely voice saying “Let me in!” I obeyed. He jumped before me, his mangy tail darting back and forth ans saliva dripping down from his tusk and all the while his staring eyes boring into me. The voice came into my head again, “Give me thom thyrup!” “What?” I asked out loud. The voice commanded again “Give me thom thyup!” “What is ‘Thom thyup’?” His rodent eyes flashed redder and voith...sorry “voice” was angry. “Don’t make thport of my acthent! I can’t help it if I have a lithp! Just give me thom thyup and thut up!” the saber tooth glinted evilly in the dark. “I don’t have any ‘thom thyup’!” I replied nervously. “What if I give you thome ith cream inthtead?” What happened next I can only remember in a blur. There was horrendous thcreetch much louder than I would have imagined squirrel vocal chords were capable of making and he lunged for my face faster than I thought squirrel muscles were able to. Squirrely fur obstructed my vision and I felt a pain intense. Everything went dark. I awoke gasping for breath with my pillow over my face. It had all just been a nightmare. I sighed in relief. Strangely though, when I went to shave, I discovered a nose piercing that hadn’t been there before.
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March 2017
Raccoon Real Estate
by Stefan Chapman
Hello other raccoons of Monterey. It’s P. Lotor here, long-time user of your newspaper for a place to sleep, first-time writing in. I wanted to talk about the crazy living situation we have here in Monterey. I’m the co-owner of Real Raccoon Real Estate up near Del Monte Boulevard. A lot of people mistake us with Cardinalli Realty & Property Management Company, and that’s because we are living underneath them. My boss wanted me to write in to give our pitch to all of the local raccoons looking for the perfect place to live. For all you trash dwellers looking to can your can, for those of you who have had enough of your next-door raccoon keeping you up at 12 in the afternoon. Welcome to the triple R. The Real Raccoon Real Estate. We are here to inform you about what is hot, smelly, and can fit every member of your family. So, you’re new to Monterey because you just saw that HBO series with Raccoon Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman about how exciting it is to lie to your husband and be by the ocean. You moved to Monterey with hopes of an exciting new chapter, but you’re still living that same old life finding new ways to sneak into the human’s house. Here’s the type of wisdom we can offer you at the triple R. If you’ve moved to “The Wharf,” it’s time to get out. We get you raccoons. Who doesn’t’t love the wharf? The smell of rotten fish wafting through the air. The feeling of water on the back of your coat as the water sweeps away one of your children you don’t like. The fear you see in the humans as they shine a flashlight at you and see the glassy reflection in
your unblinking eyes as you stare blankly at their trembling face. Plus, all the free food. Unfortunately, it’s time to leave that spot to the local raccoons. There are too many raccoons down there. Shaun, a local raccoon, said, “Some raccoon just pushed my wife into the ocean, and stole our favorite rock. What are we, seals?” Obviously, this area is too maxed out to accommodate any more raccoons.
Who doesn’t love the wharf? The smell of rotten fish wafting through the air. But here’s the good news: CSUMB! If you’re a raccoon and you want a new place to stay that’s the place for you. College students are the closest things to raccoons that you are going to find. They’re smelly, they leave their trash everywhere and they live in rooms with too many other humans. Just like raccoons! CSUMB is filled with empty parking lots that cars never park in, so your children can run free in peace. There are trash cans everywhere and the humans just hurl their trash at the dumpster, so finding an old sandwich is as easy as scurrying into the shadows. Plenty of room, and trash for all you immigrating raccoons. Well, this is all the info I wanted to share with the raccoons of Monterey. Stop by our office and we’ll offer you some great customer service. I’ll leave you a buying tip for Monterey though. The “G” in “PG” stands for garbage.
MAKE ME How do you make Irish stew? Take away their beer! Here’s a safer way: Ingredients • One lb. lamb shoulder cubed • 2 onions wedged • 4 carrots think cut • 4 Yukon Gold potatoes quartered • 1 turnip cubed Directions 1. Salt/pepper the lamb chunks. 2. Add oil to pot and heat 3. Add lamb/garlic and brown all sides 4. Remove meat, scrap the pan to loosen 5. Add broth and stout, bring to a boil
• 2 cups beef broth • 2 cups Stout • 1 large sprig of tyme • 2 cloves garlic •Olive oil • Salt & pepper
6. Reduce heat to simmer 7. Add the vegetables and tyme 8. Add the lamb 9. Cover with lid slightly ajar 10. Cook until lamb is fork tender
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Beware the Ides (storms) of March By Rex Keyes In February we had high winds and lots of rain with power outages throughout the county. On our street a tree fell down over the power lines and the communications lines which meant no electricity, no TV and no internet for four days and nights. It was like the “dark ages” in which we had to use candles for light at night and wear winter clothes because there was no heat in the house. We did have a gas stove for cooking. The whole area around our house was pitch black at night and it was strangely quiet between storms.
Man did I feel stuffed. I have gained a few pounds in just four days. The terrible thing was that there was no internet and TV. Imagine no TV and internet. Imagine missing all your favorite TV programs, no email and no looking up items on the internet. We actually had to carry on what they call conversations. We also missed what was happening in
the world for four days; what the actors and actresses’ were doing, what was on the Kardashians, and the afternoon soap operas. Oh the horror!! It was terrible. I actually ended up doing things around the house like raking all the fallen leaves and mowing the lawn. Then our cell phone went dead and we had to plug it into the car’s cigarette lighter outlet to charge it. And since the charging outlet was not the best and very weak, we had to make telephone calls from the car with the cell phone plugged in. It was like living down in the boondocks. With no power, our freezer started thawing out. So we had to eat three full meals a day since the food would start spoiling. Man did I feel stuffed. I have gained a few pounds in just four days. For example one day we had to eat bacon and eggs and French fries for breakfast. Then for lunch we had to eat a large salmon sandwich with cream cheese since fish will easily spoil. And for dinner we ate ribs and more French fries (we had a large package of frozen French fries in the freezer). I may have to actually start jogging and doing some exercises in order to lose some
The movie was so bad; the holdup man went to the box office and said “Give me everybody’s money back.”
weight and I don’t mean lifting a martini glass, although that is not a bad exercise. So if you hear a storm is approaching, here are a few important suggestions to prepare yourself. Make sure your electric toothbrush is fully charged. Make sure your electric razor is fully charged or you will have to shave the old fashioned way with a razor. Make sure you cell phone is fully charged and buy an adapter for it to plug into the car’s cigarette lighter. Buy two cases of bottled drinking water. If you don’t have running water, and belong to a local gym, take a shower there, or mention to one of your relatives that has no power
outage that you haven’t seen for a while, that you miss them, and if your family could spend a few days visiting them. If you have a self-contained RV in storage take it out of storage and park it in your drive-way and you’ll be all set, especially if you have satellite uplink for your TV and internet. Good luck with the next storm and as an ancient saying goes, “Beware the Ides of March”.
IRISH HANDCUFFS: Holding a beer in each hand
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Greeter of the Human Race ….continued
By Laura “LA” Sottile What happened to the TRUTH! It was just here! Did you see it? Has anyone heard where it went??? Does ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE TRUTH HAS GONE? Wasn’t it just here a moment ago? Use me to find the truth. Should I stand as a flag or a sign post? Or flip 3 fingers for scouts honor? If the truth not be known it finds it’s way into tirades of tornados and tsunamis. Truth can be subjective, especially when you shmeer enough gourmet mayo on it. But you always feel it in the gut! The truth is coming! It has to. The human race is the only one of all relations that’s lost the inner knowing of its purpose! I certainly don’t know what I am supposed to do. At least the Iroquois Peace Confederacy did! Their twelve cycles of truth; learning the truth, honoring the truth, accepting the truth, observing the truth, hearing the truth, presenting the truth, loving the truth, serving the truth, living the truth, working the truth, walking the truth, and being grateful for the truth. Certain humanoids deem themselves exempt unfortunately. Are we listening? Are we abiding? Oh right we are too busy now shoving a pipe line up their poor tired arses! I must admit something to you, that is hard to say, but, GHR is white, as in Caucasian. It has been difficult being void of color. A tanning bed won’t cut it, notice our strange orange STEER-LESS leader. He too may be trying to hide his whiteness, but that would take an eclipse coupled with the Aurora Borealis and a lot of studio make-up to change the face of that!
The human race is the only one of all relations that’s lost the inner knowing of its purpose! PENNY ARCAY says that I am repeating myself! Of course, I am repeating myself! It needs repeating!!!! Aren’t we supposed to THRIVE! THRIVE upon this beautiful blue planet! Yes, THRIVE! What a lovely word, you can just feel the fresh long blades of grass caressing you until you connect it with a Hospital and your blade of green turns into a needle. OUCH! I am trying to THRIVE along with my labor saving devices, but a limb, a mutation, a malformation, a fastening to my purchases. INSURANCE! Stolen from the word, ENSURE, Brilliant! (I’m feeling that boot back there!) If my labor saving device falls apart within a certain allotted time I can have it replaced! WOW! COOL DUDE! This ensure business popped up a while back like a sweet bean sprout that grew into a vine that is choking the very trust out of us. Once again our fellow humanoids struck hard by greed can’t help themselves from making a profit at our expense and blindly enough, their own expense. We are all in this together! FOOLISHLY they believe to be elite, separate, on a different plane all together. But they might find my saddened face show up in their toilet bowl one day saying careful now I can see everything from here. More importantly my recliner declined. I loved my recliner couch until it decided to behave like a swamp. I have had to become the creature of the black lagoon trying to get out of the
couch swamp! I had to lasso my USB cord around my desk leg and pull myself up. But I have insurance! YAY! So no matter what I am always be looked after… after…after. I have been waiting 2 months for them to come and fix icy RECLINER! Bullocks! Insurance disguised in a Mother Hubbard get up. Underneath that pressed bonnet lies a caretaker’s weapon, a plastic smile that never cracks under pressure. PENNY ARCAY says this is a bit morbid. A well needed circumcision is needed to uncap this monster. INSURANCE is the lawyer, the agent in-between, the lather, the foam from the friction of when we are off pivot! The human race is the only one of all relations that’s lost the inner knowing of its purpose! PENNY ARCAY you are on my foot! OUCH!!! Talk about stepping on one’s toes! I don’t have insurance for my foot!!! The trust that this place, this vast magical universe is indeed in need of a empathetic face and abiding heart is the least to say. Crime doesn’t pay they say.
March 2017
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Even though some are getting paid quite handsomely. For me this mode of operation creates a bile in my gut, stifles my air passages with an abundant amount of FLEMBOYANCE! The wave of truth always prevails and washes up to shore. I need to be PROTESTING! On top of the Eiffel Tower. Topless perhaps and YELL, “FORGIVE US…OUR EDDIE HASKEL BEHAVIOR!” I doubt those chic Parisienne’s would even notice. PENNY ARCAY says I’m SPUN! Perhaps Penny Arcay is right, I am spun. But I love you. You have gone out to protest, you are creating support groups for all the important issues we are facing today. We do come through! Don’t we, dammit! We do! PENNY ARCAY, where did you put my protest sign?! Give it back! No, I won’t change the verbiage! What is wrong with suck my…. Love GHR
LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com
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A good person is someone who can sell their parrot to the town gossip without moving away.
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March 2017
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Outside the trains station in Salinas a kid selling newspapers bellowed, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Five men swindled!” A man walks up and buys the paper. After reading it he comes back to the kid. “Hey kid, I don’t see anything here about five people being swindled!” “Extra! Extra!” yells the boy. “Six men swindled!”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
TINY HOUSES Affordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment. Contact: mr.hutch@att.net
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
SCREENS Real Screens
Affordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
MUSIC DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
AUTO DETAIL TAX PREPARER Hiring Now!
FT experienced tax preparer using Drake. March & April, possible permanent PT. Pay DOE. Email resume to:
nancy@cpabythesea.
We make your car look new. Waterless detail inside & out. At your office or home. By appt. 7 days a week. Holiday specials, ask us. 831.383.2993
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March 2017
Hannah
By Ted Gargiulo I never realized how many caring relatives and acquaintances my mom had until she wrote them about her cancer. People I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years responded in droves. Some called long distance. The one response that surprised us all was from my late Uncle Al’s friend, Hannah. She and my mom had visited Al in the hospital back in New York two years earlier when he was dying, and had kept loosely in touch since then. When Hannah, now living in Taos, heard of my mom’s illness, she called to say she was flying out to California to spend a few days with her, “Not as a guest, but as a helper.”
We were delighted at the news. Having a friend help care for my mom would boost her spirits and give my wife Jann and me a much needed respite. What’s more, I was finally going to meet this woman who had been close to Al for so many years. It would be almost like seeing my uncle again. I enjoyed hearing about the two of them. Seems they’d been intimate early in their relationship. Later, they decided they weren’t romantically compatible but remained friends anyway. Something I did NOT know was that Hannah had modeled in the nude for Al some 40 to 50 years ago. He’d actually done a series of charcoal studies of her.
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“THAT WAS YOU?” I gasped. “I’ve got those drawings hanging in my office at home. You mean to say I’ve been looking at YOU this whole time and didn’t know it?” Hannah chuckled. She said I reminded her of Al, not physically, but in my manner and body language. I took that as a compliment. Sadly, our collective euphoria over seeing Hannah began to wane shortly after her arrival.The lady, it turned out, was a loud,
The lady, it turned out, was a loud, bossy, know-it-all. bossy, know-it-all, who credited herself (far too generously) with being everybody’s Friend in Need—the star and heroine of practically every story she told. And she told a lot of stories. Yet despite all that, she was nincompoop in the kitchen. The woman couldn’t even boil pastina without making a big complicated deal out of it. Some helper! Worse, she was pig-headed about doing things her way. She insisted, against Jann’s advice, on taking my mom out to breakfast. (“Don’t be silly, of course she
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wants to go!”) My mom wasn’t up to it, but was too polite to decline. The trip wore her out and exacerbated her pain. That afternoon, she began vomiting up everything she’d eaten for breakfast. Once Smartass Hannah realized how sick my mom really was, she panicked and called Jann, whom she had recently chided for being overly concerned over my mom’s wellbeing. Drove the poor girl crazy. Desperate, Jann called Hospice and had them send over a nurse, then summoned me at work and begged me to rush home. The woman pushed her way into everything, till it was all any of us could do not to let her know how we felt, my mom especially. We couldn’t wait for her mission of mercy to end. Once she left, we all breathed easy again. So, this was THE famous Hannah I’d heard so much about… in the flesh! Sorry, Al, but I liked her better as charcoal.
You can cut down on the number of mistakes you make at work by coming in late.
The honeymoon is over when a couple stops doing dishes together and the guy starts doing them himself.
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March 2017
Through May 20
Walking Tour
Tour the lower Presidio and learn a piece of history with noted historian and author Tim Thomas. oldmontereyfoundation.org
March 4
www.foolishtimes.net
March 6
Chef Duel
Stop me if your heard this before. Two chefs compete with surprise ingredients in front of a live audience. Hosted by the “cool kid” chef Todd Fisher. www.folktailwinery.com
March 17
St Patrick’s Day
Starz of Comedy
Lenten restrictions are lifted this day to celebrate the foremost patron saint of Ireland. Wear green to avoid being pinched.
Enjoy a night of laughs in Oldtown Salinas featuring Steve Hytner, Steven Michael Quezada and Jimmy “JJ” Walker. foxtheatersalinas.com
March 4-19 March 14
National Pi Day
3.14 and on and on and on. It’s also Albert Einstein’s birthday.
March 10
Comedy Open Mic
March 5
Multiple Personality Day
Don’t be surprised if you come across people having conversations with themselves today. A great day to get in touch with yourself.
Bela Fleck
This 15 time Grammy winner is the worlds premiere banjo player. He teams up with Abigail Washburn for a one of a kind music experience. www.sunsetcenter.org
March 28
Jewish Film Festival
Entering its seventh year, this fest offers films with universal appeal drawn from the Monterey area and beyond. www.calmeljff.org
March 26
It’s easy to make your friends laugh. This is your opportunity to stand behind a mic and make strangers laugh. Don’t give up your day job. pinkflamingotheater.org
March 15
Ides of March
This was a day that Julius Caesar wished he didn’t cross paths with Marcus Brutus.
March 17
Los Lobos
This powerful band from East Los Angeles is a multi-Grammy Award winner. Their blend of rock, blues, Tex-Mex and other deep Americana musical influences will have you on your feet dancing in the aisle. goldenstatetheater.com
Weed Appreciation Day
A flowering plant that grows where you don’t want it. Hundreds of “weeds’ are important to heath, science and culinary. Dandelion wine is not just a pretty name.
March 17-19
Monterey Symphony
Enjoy the exhilarating themed program “Shakespeare in Music” at Sherwood Hall. Montereysymphony.org
March 20
Vernal Equinox
A special moment where day and night are of equal time. We head toward longer days and shorted nights.
March 31-April 2
Next generation Jazz Fest
Over 1300 of the nation’s top student musicians compete for a chance to perform at the jazz Fest. Called the“Super Bowl of Jazz Education” Monteryjazzfestival.org
March 2017
www.foolishtimes.net Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer? A: “I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N....ah, oh well. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...” Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said, “DON’T WALK.” Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locked the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde call the
welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!” Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air
BINGO
Fundraiser proudly benefiting Teddy Bears With Heart
$20 for six games Great Prizes!
SUNDAY APRIL 2ND 1:00 pm Moose Lodge // 555 Canyon Del Rey Blvd
Early Bird Games $5 Start at 1:30 pm
The new tax form just came in the mail. Who said blanks can’t hurt you.
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More info or to donate: 831.915.1112 susie@tbwh.org teddybearswithheart.org
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